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The Voices In My Head

Everybody has different ways of coping with pain, stresses, hurts and disappointments of life. Depending on the severity, frequency and who causes these traumas to happen, your ability to cope may be very drastic or very easy.

When I was younger and would endure emotional or mental or physical pain, my recovery from those things was usually pretty swift and seamless. I was able to effectively erase those moments from memory and live like nothing happened.

That’s what I was leading myself to believe. However, the reality is, in truth, what was happening was I was slowly being torn nd broken with each incident. I was making multiple personalities and voices inside me in order to try and protect myself from the people and situations that led to my heartache.

The irony is every time I would do the work to recover and strengthen myself better than before, some shit would happen to blow up the progress made. And you know, it wasn’t because I kept doing the same things, I wasn’t dating the same type person. All the boxes you check, I checked every fucking one. But there I was going through anothter rebuild.

Well this time the shit was as intrusive, invasive and devastating as anything I’ve ever been through. It ripped every thing I worked for, built, sacrificed and put my effort to pieces. And with that came all the different voices and personalities rushing to try and shield me from any more pain, hurt and despair.

I have worked so hard the past 7 and a half months to rebuild myself, from head to toe. Not knowing sometimes how I’m going to eat. Sometimes worries if I’ll be able to take care of myself. Trying to understand who I am today and who I can lean on for support. And you know what, all that work and the job isn’t nearly close to complete.

The voices are strong some days. Some days they take over my brain and my thoughts are erratic and scattered. Emotions and feelings are vast and unfiltered. Raw and intense. Other times, they’re muted and aloof. Withdrawn and reclusive. Then occasionally, I realize that I have made significant progress and I feel a little good about myself.

Just read the last couple paragraphs again and it’s enough to make you feel like you’ve been in a hurricane. It’s just surreal sometimes. From a complete destruction of my personal and professional life, to the details of how I lost my son, to the betrayl of who I thought was a brother and one who was like a protege. All of it sitting on my chest and really no one to truly turn to.

It has bore a man who is sometimes truly lost. No trust in no one. No belief in anybody, no matter the title they currently hold. Sometimes I just detach myself from the world. I don’t wanna be bothered or disturbed. Sometimes to conquer this, I unlock the inner beast and fuck my way out my feelings. I know people have it worse. But trust me I can’t just explain it all and nor do I wanna try. All I know are the voices are getting louder. They are growing bigger and they are starting to take over.

The result of all of this. I have no fuckin clue. I just kno it can only lead to the unknown and that may be the scariest thing of all. I don’t really kno where it bottoms out and turns back up.

Talk to me America

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My Final Thought

As I watched and discussed the outcome possibilities of the new Associate Justice on the Supreme Court, my calculation was one based on logic, not partisanship.

I’ve heard many pundits on many television stations discuss the merits of all the flash points surrounding Justice Kavanaugh. I was almost certain that two of the three Republicans, if not all three would vote no. But that meant ignoring the tea leaves and the cover job given by Sen Flake.

Let’s think about it for a minute. I believe he was deeply torn, but I also believe he was always going to be a yes vote for Justice Kavanaugh u til he got called on it. The same with Sen Collins. She was always a yes until the allegations. Sen Murkowski she was the one to watch thou. She was never on board with the nominee and apparently nothing was said to convince her.

But what he did last Friday calling for an FBI review, ultimately provided cover for him, Collins and Sen Manchin to all vote for this man. Claiming they believe Dr Blasey Ford, but the evidence didn’t support her. Well truth is the investigation wasn’t thorough or complete and the reality is you can’t have double speak like that. If you believe Dr Ford, then u think Justice Kavanaugh was lying. To say both of them were honest nd believable is bogus. Everyone knew 1 week wasn’t going to solve this allegation but it was all Dems could get nd it was all the time the Reps needed.

Sadly the lies told will be the silo that hangs over the court. This Justice appears the most partisan justice to be confirmed. The demeanor and vernacular used show to me his poor temperament. The narrative coming out of it is disgusting. I heard a Republican say on tv this morning that a woman came with baseless accusations and ruined a good man. Let me be clear, I had doubts at first because of the manner that the store at behaved. But after fully engaging I wanted to hear the testimony. Her claims aren’t baseless, sadly they can’t be corroborated so some wanna smear her. To suggest that it’s baseless because you’re a Republican hack, that just wanted the con rush job approved is awful.

That’s why this country is so broken, divided and distrusting. We want to sensationalize everything, rather than have empathy for something and disagree gracefully. We are in a very new time. Maybe all this continues to push people to vote for change. For candidates who reflect their politics, not this bull shit we see. One can only hope.

Whatever your position on the matter few things are true. One, this process harmed everyone involved, two the nation is further divided nd distrusting than ever, three Trump is doing what he promised and we are all along for the ride and finally, if you want to stop what’s happening then use your fucking right given to you and vote!

If you care about the country, your family, friends and people period, get off ur ass nd vote!!

America sound off, lets talk

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I Was Wrong.. Kinda

So I’ve spent the past couple days reflecting on the amazing events that occurred on Friday afternoon. Arizona Senator, Jeff Flake, had a real come to Jesus moment with himself which possibly changed the course of history.

Following the emotional and gripping testimony of Dr Balsey Ford and Judge Kavanaugh, it was hard not to come away believing that the Judge was lair. As I sat and watched his performance, because that’s what I think it was, it was hard not to see the striking similarities to all the over predators that get accused. First he says he’s a wholesome man who never did anything out of line. Second, he says well he did things when he was young, but never to the magnitude he’s accused of. Third, he became defiant claiming it was a conspiracy to root him out from the Supreme Court bench.

I watched some of The View on Friday and the picture they showed was stunning. There before Dr Ford were a panel of all White, old men, judging her for her words and demeanor. Amazing, in a country so diverse and rich the people in power are still old, White men. But I also was thinking about the histrionics and antics on display during Judge Kavanaughs testimony. From Senator Graham going full Jerry McGuire, to all those Republican men graveling over themselves to portray the Judge as a victim and the hearing as a farce.

It was then I began to think this was 1993 again and Anita Hill all over. That the Judge was gonna skate by the skin of his teeth and women again would lose. The country would lose and we would be forced to accept that the movement doesn’t apply to priveledged White men. And then Jeff Flake happened. There were grumbling that numerous Senators were deeply troubled by Kavanaugh, suggesting they knew something was foul, but they didn’t have the guts to vote their heart.

Well two women with a story, emotion and courage told Jeff Flake about himself and now we have an effort to find the truth. What a fascinating day it was. What drama and what courage.

America the movement is alive and well

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Sex Pays My Bills

If you’re reading this then the title caught your eye.. Ha! Damn I’m good. No sex doesn’t actually pay my bills, but for hundreds and even thousands of people it does. This blog is not intended to undress or demean you in any fashion, it is taking on a booming industry in the gay community, primarily young, black gay men.

I never knew that prostituting yourself would become the financial windfall that it has become. Nor did I think it would become so popular and in your face as it is now. It use to be that male escorts were discreet, offering their services through vices that wouldn’t expose them while also keeping their clients low key. Now, the escorts are face front on social media and their clientele is all around literally.

The use of social media and dating apps has caused the prostitution business to flourish and it’s quite disturbing. Now a days men are content to sell their big ass dick or sweet smooth ass to pay they bills, rather than getting up going to work and puttin in work. They would instead choose to put in the work on their back or on someone’s ass to keep themselves off the clock.

When did that become the new normal practice? More importantly when did so many people participate that so many guys feels comfortable demanding you pay them for the feeling and the pleasing that you can easily get for free. Yet, room for this has been made by the fantasizing and romantasizing the definition and the girth of the male body.

It’s also very smart in some ways. Why not capitalize off the thing this community loves to do so much, Fuck. So I guess, in a lot of ways we only have ourselves to fault. I do think it’s stunning just how many folks are openly and unapologetically doing this for trade and not bothered by it. Or if they are, they aren’t letting on.

If is this is your job or 9 to 5 or whatever ur office hours are, don’t you get tired of having to fuck just to make sure u can sleep and eat? Dry spells are bound to happen right? Or is the sugar daddy and pay for play community so strong this industry will boom forever?

Tell me your thoughts America

Leave a comment Posted on current events, real talk, Uncategorized

I’ve Got the Power

There has been an interesting dynamic in the sports world the past few weeks that I wanna explore a little bit. Three examples, one from the NFL, one the NBA and the NCAA Football. Three different institutions with different power dynamics and as always, a lack of equality to a degree.

First, let’s look at Le’Veon Bell of the Pittsburgh Steelers. He has chosen to essentially boycott this season playing the game he says he loves and is passionate about because he didn’t want to accept a one year guaranteed deal for 14.5 million dollars. Instead, wanting to reset the market for his position, Running Back, and for him as a whole, as a athlete not just the leading Running Back.

Context on this requires me to tell you football players in the NFL do not have guaranteed contracts, only their bonus money is guaranteed and the rest can be terminated at any time. So Bell wants to make sure his paper is made before possible injury and/or loss of skill set causes him to not reap the financial benefits of his work.

Now his teammates, in an unusual move, to the start the season commented on his contract situation and urges him to get in and grind wit his fellas and make his money after the season, while still pocketing the 14.5 mil. He is betting on himself and that one owner wants him and the diva personality at his cost. It’s a risky proposition for Le’Veon but he is convinced he has the power and that someone wants him. Time will tell but shows you how much the owners controls the league.

Now on to the NBA, a league where clearly the players have far more power than their brotheran in the NFL. There are two examples here that show you what power is when you’re a player and when your among the stars in your league.

Kawai Leonard bet on his talent and the spectacle of a disgruntled superstar playing for a team and coach he felt no trust for. There was also the possibility that he wouldn’t report and sit out, while banking a shit load of money. The result, he was traded to a team in the opposite conference that has some pieces around them and wants to compete for a title.

Then there is the current situation, Jimmy Butler of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Apparently, he doesn’t like the current crop of young and promising talent on the roster and has decided he is now going to hold out, not report to camp and force the team to trade him. He is also demanding the team trades him to a team of his choosing.

Now here are the facts. He is going to be traded, the owner has already signaled that and is taking offers. But, he won’t go where he wants to go. He has power just not absolute power. Fascinating story how if you’re good enough and your money is guaranteed, you can tell your boss to kiss your ass and he listens.

Finally the most demonstrative show of power is the Ohio State Buckeyes and Head Coach Urban Meyer. The most most blatant and disgusting show of power. The stinch of allowing a coach to keep his job after knowing his assistant coach beat his wife more than once, is awful. But when you’re the most powerful University in the state with people attached to your success you can do what you want.

More importantly, when you’re the coach that runs the team and the powers that be feel you are the second coming and can do no wrong. Plus you keep the huge donations and revenue coming in, you can do just about anything and keep your job.

No Meyer is not responsible for his coaches actions but he is accountable for keeping him around his team. I think it is deplorable and reprehensible but we live in an arena where money can almost get you thru anything. The power is crazy and amazing. Different levels but the dynamics are startling.

In short follow the fucking money

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The Big Setup

As you’ve seen today I’ve returned and entered the public discourse regarding the #MeToo movement. You can read my prior two blogs for a detail of my position on the matter as this blog addresses the spectacle that will unfold tomorrow and the things that have and haven’t occurred already.

I think for all of those who are hoping that tomorrow is a real watershed moment, will be disappointed because this is not that moment. This is nothing more than a shit show, meant to appease people in the movement enough to get a nominee for the post of Supereme Court Judge of the United States confirmed.

Let that last sentence sink in. This testimony given by both parties, Judge Kavamaugh nd Mrs. Ford will be to give the public a little skin in the game and to test the mettle of the politicans on Capitol Hill. See many don’t realize that all the parties who are relevant to this accusers claims will not be present. In large part because the Republicans who run the commitee don’t want to potentially get a shit load of egg on their faces with this nominee.

Second, all the accusers are not going to be present now either. When this deal was first struck it was just one person who came forward, since then two more women, with similar stories, have come out to cry foul by Justice Kavamaugh. Damn, you would think that with the magnitude of this appointment, these Politicans would want to get this right. Or, maybe not.

The President of the United States has already declined to ask the FBI to investigate these claims. Mind you, the Anita Hill investigation took three days. Not to say this one would have take that quick period of time, but if we’re being honest, it’s warranted. The Senate says they are investigating but guess what? The people who are looking into this are the staffers for the Republicans that run the damn confirmation process.. How the fuck does that make sense?

This is difficult for me. Because when I first saw the demands being made by Mrs. Ford I was a bit skeptical of her real motives until, I thought nd realized her lawyer is driving that train not her. Listening to the excerpt from her opening statement she will deliver tomorrow, this lady sounds very real and credible. Conversely Judge Kavanaugh has seemingly altered his stance from the beginning. At first he was a saint who could have never done this. Now he’s a flawed man who made mistakes but not this one.

I’m sorry something is wrong here. Maybe all three are liars, I seriously doubt it. I think there is some fire to the smoke that’s been sent and tomorrow will not expose it all. Maybe it will extinguish them for some and fan them for others. Please make no mistake about it. The allegations here are serious and parents need to be mindful to teach their children why any assault of a woman is wrong and not to be laughed off, dismissed, shamed or ridiculed.

I wish tomorrow was really cultural moment we desired, but when the Republican delegation to the proceedings are all old White men and they had to hire outside counsel, a female lawyer with sexual abuse litigation experience, you can see the tea leaves. I will be fascinated to see what gets said and who is believed. Because I promise we need this debate and discussion to continue.

Talk to me America

Leave a comment Posted on current events, lifestyle, real talk, Uncategorized

The Ugly Truth

I know some may read this and get a little angry, but if you know me, then you know I don’t care. I’m a provocative writer so emotion is what I want, along with the facts that get written.

I watched and read yesterday as the sentencing portion of Bill Cosby’s day in court happened and I could be nothing but sickened by the entire process and proceeding. Let me explain where I’m coming from.

As previously stated, I am a #MeToo supporter. I am ten toes down for the movement, however this smells and feels like a screw job if I ever seen it. It reminds me of Tiger and how insanely ridiculed he was for doing something millions of White men have done and even been laughed at for doing. Yes I agree it appears Bill is a rapist. He sexually assaulted women in his lifetime. He needed to have justice brought no denying that. But this is bs and a reason I think the movement is jaded.

He’s the man widely regarded as America’s father. The moral compass for many years on tv as Dr Heathcliffe Hucstable. A staple on tv for decades. He delivered tough criticism of the black community and father’s and was not afraid to voice his opinions. And he is Black and now he’s gotten a taste of the biased justice system.

See people have clamored apparently to see this 81 year old man spend the rest of his natural life in jail for his crimes. Whatever side u fall on that’s your rightful opinion to express. My question is why haven’t we done the same to the powerful, rich, White men who have done the same and worse?

This is why I hate the sham that has become the justice of the legal system. Let me give you some names. Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Charlie Gibson, Les Moonvies, Donald Trump, Kevin Spacey and I can go on and on. Accused and verified stories of sexual assault against women and boys. These men have not and will not get charged or see a day in court. They will continue to live lavishly and privileged. They will get to live their lives freely.

Why is this the dynamic we are faced with in this supposed new era of accountability? Some will say they lost their high profile jobs and were pubically shamed. If that’s all that’s needed to be fair and just, then drop all charges against Bill Cosby, let him go home and never work again. Oh wait, he’s Black and famous so he has to be the example.

I am disgusted by the actions of all the men listed and not listed. They all should have their day in the sun to answer for and atone for their transgressions. But they won’t. It’s the ugly truth that still permeates any discussion. Race matters still just as much as the crime committed. Because let’s be honest, being Black in America is still a crime.

Talk to me America

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The #MeToo Triple Standard

Yea, I’ve decided I’m going to take on this topic and the movement, but not how u necessarily think. I’m going to give the filler needed to understand the argument I’m about to make because some aren’t going to like it.

Let me begin by saying that as a human and a person with a heart, thou some say I don’t, I am all in support of and for the movement. We need this. We need to have a wreckening for women’s right and the damage that men have done to them in this country. This movement is critical to the development of a more equal America.

Now, having said that lets examine my triple standard for this movement. The first standard is for the woman who has currently or recently, let’s say the last 5 years, experienced sexual assault. There is strong and palpable appetite for their story and their experience. There is a desire to get her out there to be heard nd understood, to have her pain felt.

It goes without saying that there is still a vast under reporting of sexual assault but the numbers are increasing and bravo for that. The fact that so many women are presenting themselves and being taken credibly is amazing and needed in this country. There is little shaming being done to these women. They are the fresh blood that activists are looking for to continue the cause and the movement

Now the second standard are the old abused women. The women who have hidden their past from the world. Dealt with the shame and hurt. The betrayal and the embarrassment. These women are seen as credible but not significant. I’ve heard so many times idiots saying why did they wait so long. Why wasn’t there a report made. Why doesn’t she remember every detail. Why did she wait until now. She must want to embarrass her abuser.

We’ve heard all this before and it sounds idiotic and still out of touch. It brings back the shame and ridicule all over again. Now they have to question themselves once again. Be subject to the whims of people judging them for their silence more than supporting them for their bravery. Let’s remember that when something destructive and emotional happens to you, one either embraces it tries to bury it away from memory. Why would this be any different.

I’m tired of hearing people question the legitimacy of a woman who has come forward about being attacked years ago, because they can’t understand or have compassion for her situation. Maybe if you were violated in the most invasive way, you would understand more. That’s the world we live in. You only understand once it impacts your life. It’s a sad commentary.

The third standard is the person accused of such acts. We are such a divided nation that we don’t even apply the same standard to the men accused of assaulting these women. We will be quick to demonize and incarcerate a black attacker. We want to make an example out of them because they’re the worst kind. Their white counterparts thou, they need to be handled with care and caution. Let them disappear and attempt to rehabilitate their image.

I wonder Why as the older the woman is the more challenging it is for their to be taken serious and credible until they have someone who validates their story. Why is it for the younger women they given the benefit of the doubt so quickly but doubted if they don’t recall all details or accused of being complicit if they did anything to entice the situation, even if unintentional.

Finally, why do we still have such a disparate justice bar for the black and white man when it comes to crimes committed against women in this country. Let’s discuss it all.

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The President Has Returned!

Yes I said it and I mean every word of what I said in my headline. He made his triumphant return amongst a popular and familiar crowd. He came with his usual bravado and charm. It was definitely easy to see that he was comfortable and feeling good.

President Barack Obama is back and if this speech is any indication, his eyes are squarely set on the Republicans and precisely Donald J Trump. Mr. Obama has been missing over the past year and half or so. Only chiming in when he felt it to be critical and necessary. Resisting the temptations of coming out and rebuking this current President. He stayed back and prepared himself and his party. He was helping to organize and strategize for this moment. Election season is here and it’s time to get out the base, turn out the new voters and try to get Democracts to retake control of the Legislative Branch of Congress.

In directly talking about the current President, his Administration and this Congress, Obama delivered a powerful smackdown of Trump. He reminded us that Trump was a symptom of the fear and race mongering tactics. He told us that the officials in Congress aren’t holding him accountable, they’re shielding from the reality. I’m my opinion, that reality is that Trump should be locked up for Treason, Perjury and Obstruction of Justice charges.

President Obama knows that in order to uncork the bottle Dems need to control the US House of Reps. And with there being such a good chance, his star power is needed. Trump for his part, claims to have slept thru Pres Obama’s speech, saying the former President is boring. The head of the RNC said that he was glad to see Obama because it will fire up the base. That part I truly doubt. This isnt the past, Dems aren’t in control and they are hungry.

President Obama reminded us all that indifference and inactivity is the demise of democracy. That whatever party you affiliate yourself to that you must be vocal and engage. That we must unite under the common goal of self preservation of our democracy and the institutions that govern them. He reminded us that we are a people and a nation that doesn’t get beaten down by threats to our Republic, yet we find ways to persevere and grow be the and stronger.

Things will never be perfect in a society filled with imperfect beings. The best we can do is attempt to get better day by day. Lean on the common ground and seek to find compromise and understanding where we differ. That is the American ideal, though it’s hard to hold to that at all times.

America, today we got a lesson in civility and respect. Healthy debate and disagreement is expected in such a vast society but it should never get to the point of shaming, race bating and prejudice, homophobia or sexism or religious persecution. We are always only as good as our weakest person. We will always be defined as a immigrant nation that provided opportunity for any and all. So why would we ever need to say we need to Make America Great Again. America has been the beacon shining for years, despite all the many injustices.

At some point in our history we will say that we have overcome many of the injustices and stereotypes that exist today. We will rise up and truly be able to say that we are able to use the contents that make up who we are, rather than our names and skin color to define us.

Now is the time to call on the best in us as a people to thwart the worst that is showing daily in the current President. America, we must polish the light and stand tall and do something about the state of our politics and the state of our nation.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, real talk, sports

Nike on the Front Line

So Nike has come with a new campaign in support of Colin Kapernick’s decision to kneel for the playing of the anthem and the other various forms of protest that NFL players have participated in over the past two plus seasons.

I’m sure by now you have either seen it or heard of it. I saw the ad and what it says. I also understand the head of Nike’s marketing campaign says the ad was designed to target 15 to 17 year old kids, to get them engaged.

The message of the ad is a simple one. Stand for something, even if it means it costs you everything. Now that’s a very strong and powerful message to send out to young people. Hell it’s a strong message to send to all people. Adults could use that line ad a method of reflection and motivation.

Now, while I understand some of the bad taste it has put in the mouths of some, I want to take a minute to break this down so there is clear understanding. The purpose of the ad is to get people active and engaged in a cause they believe in. It is strongly worded and provocative and love it. We need these types of bold messages to get thru. The point is a damn good one. Stand for something. Find a passion you have and be willing to go the distance for it. Allow yourself to be challenged and pushed for the cause of your life.

There have been protests by players that have been respectful and appropriate, yet people are trying to vilify these humans, who are athletes, because they are exercising their rights granted to them. Nike and their brass decided to join in the cause. I applaud them for deciding to stand for something.

I heard a reporter, Jason Whitlock, of Fox Sports bash the ad and the company, questioning if parents would say the same thing to their children that Nike is saying. I find Jason to be much like the other hypocritical masses that will privately tell their children to be independent and love with a purpose and passion, yet now want to berate Nike because they made an ad basically saying as such.

They just chose to be more bold in their word choice, but the message is clear and damn right it needs to be said. To answer Mr. Whitlock, yes my folks would say the same because the context of the message is what we’ve been taught for years. Damn it, I’m tired of people being cowards and bitching up when a company decides to stand with a cause that is making people uncomfortable because it’s shining a light on issues that are real and exist.

Bravo! Nike, I say stand strong behi nd athletes who take their voice and influence seriously and call attention to issues that need to be addressed. Like Serena Williams, LeBron James, Kevin Durant and many others have said, the protests work when you make people uncomfortable about things you know are injust.

America find a cause important to you. Find a cause that you’re willing to stick your neck out for and burn that bitch down making that cause, and the solutions to your cause become reality.