Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

Bitch Grow Up

If there is one thing I really have low tolerance or patience for, it’s a whining, complaining ass individual, especially a man. Gay or not there comes a time when the babying, self pity, feel bad for me shtick grows old. And damn it the time has come.

You know being a gay father for me is something I take to heart, because they people that I accepted and grew up were young, impressionable and in need of that tough but caring love of a father. My sons are all grown men now. By grown I mean over age 25. They have been developed and now are now in more of an advisory father role. I don’t hold on too long like mothers do, lmao, I let them go to experience life with all the tools given to them.

They have all fell at different points, made mistakes and learned and grew into stronger men. Now as they are coming to the end of their twentys they’re working towards life time goals. Working on legacy building and story making. They’re doing what I always taught them, think of your goals beyond this gay world because a bigger world exists. But you know there is always that one and he has found out the hard way why his siblings always said daddy is mean sometimes.

Let’s be clear folks, I’m not mean but I just dont tolerate the bullshit and the deep self loathing. We all get put in tough situations and if you’re a black man from the inner city, well you know you good for at least 10 challenging situations before age 30. He is in the midst of these challenges and at 26 years old I expect you to have a foundation of conflict resolution and problem solving that is still missing. He has been my son since age 15. I have shielded him from some things when he was too young but let him be exposed as well as he aged. He got some very valuable life lessons and they gave him a thick skin and a humor that masks his true pain. But it also created a liar and a pity party person and an oversized child in the process. Primarily because his birth parents coddled him, giving him any and everything no matter if earned, but they didn’t really accept him as a gay man. His dad, like most black fathers, doesn’t accept it really and it shows that it bothers him. So I’ve always loves on him as much as I can so he knows he has that love he seeks. While not his real father I do my best to stand in that gap. But I need you to grow up!

Stop asking everybody for money every week and get a damn job and make some. Stop fucking around with college, that you’ve been in for 8 years and still dont have your bachelor’s degree. Stop being dumb and fucking the wrong dudes all the time. Dont get caught taking trips to other states to fuck and get stuck in that state. Stop blaming your mom and everyone else for your failures and downfalls. Accept responsibility, grow up and make changes.

Damn is it that hard for a person to realize being a child dont last a lifetime?

2 Comments Posted on dating, lifestyle, real talk, Sex

Sad Motha Fuckas

Well it’s that time again for me to bring you some truth and reality from my own perspective of course ha!

You know I would like to consider myself a pretty fair dude and definitely one who doesn’t shy away from expressing my like or dislike for individuals. I’m also not shy about expressing my attraction, whether strong or marginal for you. This however, in no way should be confused with any kind of thirst. I think it’s sad that niggas who are cute have been so brainwashed to think that everyone thirsts for them. Because what it’s doing is clouding their vision and boosting they egos wayyyyy too much.

Recently I encountered a former adult male film actor. Like how I dressed that shit up don’t u, lmao. But we started out with a legit business deal, he providing massages for a fee, like all legit hand experts. To be fair it was very professional and amazing. The softest hands and the most gentle touch. But that’s where the story veers left. See while lying on the massage table n my underwear he admitted my ass attracted him. As if that was shock, I thanked him nd he continued the massage.

Next thing I know he’s pulling off my underwear saying he didn’t want any oil gettin on my drawers. I said fine nd the massage continued. He began to now caress my ass real thorough and I could tell he was a bit mesmerized by it. I was right because he had me prop my ass up in the air so he get a better “feel.” Then I feel his tongue sliding my hole. Damn this man can eat some ass!

He does this for a while and that’s where the massage ends, but not the night. After we were done and I was dressed he asked if I would take him to the smoke shop up the street from him. I agreed and we got in my car. While preparing to go nd riding he says that he wouldn’t have normally turned a massage session into a borderline fuck session. But he couldn’t resist, his words not mine. I said it’s fine and then he starts talking about chillin nd how his dick game is. Shocked nd a bit surprised I poked the subject to see where this would go. He says he fucks smooth nd slow, long nd deep. It’s like he knew he was fucking me wit my clothes on.

I said it was interesting maybe one day I could find out if he was legit wit it. This led him to say, “if you got time tonight, I’m free.” I did and so we did. No lie he was a man of his word. He ate me deeply again nd then slid his pretty dick up n me nd stroked me like a fucking king. It was amazing and yet once we finished he didnt want me to leave right away. We kicked it talked, vibedz watched Basketball Wives nd laughed. And we fucked again. Then I went home, cuz by then we were both tired.

We would text daily and we linked up two more occasions, one of which I took him to get himself food before going home. We talked about normal life shit not just let’s fuck shit and when we both were ready for sex, he said pull up and I did. But tragedy struck his life and once I learned of it from him, I asked if he was ok and if he needed anything. He asked: “anything like what?” I said normal shit, just whatever u may need while u grieve. He said he needed some eggs and sausage. I said ok after work I got u. I guess that was too long for him because he had it by time I was off.

So later he asked for something to eat from a fast food place near his house. I said cool I can do that for u. He said ok whenever I have time with a lol behind it. An hour later I asked him what exactly he wanted because he never specified and thats when the shit hit the damn fan. He said he was good because he never wants to feel like someone is doing him a favor. Then he says my response made him feel like he was a nobody and like I was beneath him. Additionally he says, I was thirsty for him but then my slow text response to his two needs made me sketchy.

Now baby battle lines were drawn and you know me I lit back into that ass. I said first off thirsty for u, nigga never. U sexy and ya dick game strong nd ur smart but I dont sweat over a dick or pretty face nd u not my man. Sketchy, as for that as I explained I work two jobs most every day. Means I’m working 12 to 13 hours a day. When I just work one I try to make time for who or what I like but, be clear, I made the extension of concern and need because I cared and wanted to make sure ur okay, knowing you use ur legs and get rides everywhere. So after that was said his response was muted just saying he didnt want talk right now.

Fine I said nd left it alone. Let me be clear, ain’t no nonemotinally invested nigga gone have me thirsty for them. I’m too good for that. I know I can and will find sex better than yours and you’re not the only cute nigga in this city. It’s sad a man been propped up so much he believes his dont stink wayyy too much and thats when I disembark off the train, because fucking with me I will give u a reality check you need. It’s sad a nigga dont know genuine interest from a fan. We talked for hours day 1 and numerous times after about ourselves, personalities and styles and yet you think I’m you’re fan, when I was actually a growing love interest.

Guess he got the lesson thou, everybody dont sweat you, nor do they wait on you and move when you say. Go find them groupies porn star. Maybe that’s just what you need.

Comment vent talk to me y’all. I talk back

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

My heart is hurting…

Last year I wrote about losing my first child to abortion. And damn if a few weeks ago, I had the exact same thing happen again. I dont know how to accept this and I dont know what to do with this but wow, I can’t deal with this again. God help me to understand why i needed this a second time?

Four months after thinking that I was going to be a daddy again, it was revealed that the pregnancy was going to be terminated without my input or consultation. I dont really understand why people play around with this shit man. To have your heart torn out of your chest again is just hard to fathom. It makes you have questions about everything man. You dont kno what to believe when you’re blindsided by thwaw things.

I’m not really sure how to recover from things like this. Especially when there are so many things going on. When you lose someone so close and then have to deal with the loss of a child before they saw life, I mean damn. I dont know what to do with this and more importantly I dont know how to release this hurt and pain. I’m at a place in my life now where I have to figure out how to redevelop a sense of myself. How to grow and accept more of lifes challenges and devastations. It affects my trust and comfort of people. It makes me hesitant to want to try to have kids again. As a gay man it’s not like I can just fuck and have a child, I cant. So having had two opportunities and they both get snatched away with real reason, I’m just left to sit and question things.

I am a torn and hurt man. I’m lost in many ways and I dont really know what to make of it. But in time and with patience I will overcome this too. But damn my heart hurts

Leave a comment Posted on real talk

Good bye Queen

This is the first time that I’ve posted or talked really in depth about this. On Memorial Day this year I lost my most ardent supporter. I lost my shield, my blanket and my second mother. My grandmother Mary Ellen Trapp passed away at the age of 87. I thank God that I was able to have her for 35 years and it hurts that I dont have her anymore.

She lived a long life and left one hell of a legacy behind. She left 6 beautiful girls and a big huge family of grand, great grand and great great grands behind. She was stern but soft. She was real and maybe too much so. She always spoke her mind and even if you didnt want to hear what she has to say she gone say it.

She carried such a large presence and she loved her family no matter what. Her best moments were being with her family always. Because she didnt have any boys, the first born grandsons got away with everything. And I was definitely at the top of that list.

We would always talk om Sundays. It was our time to just sit and talk. To laugh and catch up, for her to tell me about all the shit that was going on. She always made me laugh and would always end the call letting me know how much she loved me. I miss so much being able to call her and talk to her on Sunday. It’s just not the same.

When she died my heart broke. Nearly 3 months later I’m still shattered. I think so much about all the things she’s said to me. All the tipsy moments we shared. All the heartfelt moments we shared. She was to me a one of a kind woman that will never be duplicated and I dont know that I will ever be the same again.

I always think about the memories. There are so many we shared that I can do nothing but smile. I hear her voice in my head, I see her imposing physique and just smile. In my dreams I know shes still there, but not having her here just still isnt so real. I just dont know how to navigate this challenge. I’m doing it the best I can day by day. Some days I talk some days I dont.

I carry her with me every day. I move forward with the spirit of my grandma in my heart. As she said dont take no wooden nickles and dont accept no cardboard dimes. Lmao, which means take no shit and dont accept just anything. Grandma I promise you I wont. I love you and i miss you.

Rest in heaven queen

Leave a comment Posted on Politics, real talk

Time to Rally

Ahhhh, another hiatus down, more life challenges happening and plenty to write about. Right now, let’s get down to the business..

Ladies and gentlemen of America, time to organize, rally, pay attention, select a nominee and get that orange bitch out the White House. He is the President but its definitely not of the United States. He is President of the Unites Trumps and that’s a recipe for disaster.

Have you been paying attention to the stories that are not making mainstream headlines? This one should cause members of the LGBTQ+ community concern. The Trump Administration is in court to deny Trangender couples protection from discrimination under Federal law.

Need more, Trump Admin officials now want to change immigration rules to let more financially apt immigrants have priority entrance to the country over the lead educated ones. This administration is also trying to continue to destroy the Affirdable Care Act, aka Obamacare, and remove millions from healthcare they need.

Let’s keep going shall we. We still have a President who is openly siding with foreign governments over his own intelligence community with credible information on these adversaries. We still have a Russia problem and a China problem. Let’s not forget Trumps little Trade War that’s killing the Farmers and hurting Americans and American business.

Trump is also at the very least a White Supremist and at worst a closet racist. Try that on for size for the man that’s supposed to be the President of all America. How the fuck can you have the bull shit media ops in Texas and Ohio after those mass shootings. The things u said after Charlottesville, you’re disgusting remarks about immigrants from impoverished nations, you’re hateful comments about 4 democratic women and calling two of them disgusting.

Now listen I know there will be many who say all of that he’s said is taken out of context. Also many will say he did did wrong with Russia, but Special Counsel outlined least 10 obstruction charges against Trump. They will point to his economy, more specific Wall Street, but people are still struggling and a recession seems looming. But his followers I know dont care.

So ask yourselves this Trumpians, are you okay with him dehumanizing people. Are you okay with him lying about bringing troops home? Are you okay with him cheerleading for racists and white extremists killing people? Yea those rants and nasty comments he makes gives approval to those assholes to kill.

I get it, many of you white people who support Trump didnt want to see the eight years of Barack Obama and you ran to Trump and his racist mantra. Some of you just vote with your party no matter what. And some diverse supports like his policies that constantly change because he protects your money.

Let’s examine facts: he has tried to take your healthcare, he is trying to take away LGBTQ+ rights, his party is on a full assault of Roe v Wade, he made clear he wants foreign help to win, he is a constant liar of the facts. Oh and he is scared that he could be Impeached, which if you follow the money and evidence, he should be removed.

A lot to unpack folks and I more than happy to debate discuss and dissect all this. Comment, let me know your thoughts and I will respond to you.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

What the fuck was that shit show yesterday in the White House? So you mean to tell me of all the people the President could speak with, he chose Kanye. No offense and by all means if he helps to get real things done for the Black community, then more power to him. But the truth is that was as whacked and nutty as it comes. Won’t shit come of this but publicity for the President about meeting wit a black rapper and how much support he has.

Then what the hell was Kanye talking about. He made as much sense as Trump does when he’s discussing foreign policy. It was embarrassing and a sham. It was pathetic and so disheartening. Lemme be clear, Kanye us free to voice his opinion as is his given right. But the fuck you mean we need to do any with the 13th amendment. What fucking planet you live on son?

I’m going to be very honest here. I’m not under any nieviety that if we abolished the 13th amendment we wouldn’t have slavery. I believe with all the fiber in my soul we would still have some form of real legal slavery in this country if we removed thst amendment. For Kanye to say that it’s a trap door, What the fuck? Son who taught u? Moreover, where is your wife?

Are we this starved for attention and relevancy that you will hitch your wagon on to Donald Trump and you’re talking like this? Folks I’m not saying that all Trump people are delusional, because they aren’t. A large number are Republicans who believe most of the policies Trumps people, and he, push are correct for our country. But there are far more whack jobs, like Kanye that support this man.

I need some serious people to tell me why is happening anyway. There was nothing constructive that came from that meeting. My suggestions are as follows: President or not, don’t entertain stupidness like this, push the conversation back to the relevant stories, the Russia probe, Trump and tax evasion, the Washington Post reported feared dead, the feds response to Hurricane relief. The continued mistreatment in the justice system and in this country as a whole. The masogeny of this President.

Less than 30 days til election day folks. Let’s not get distracted by the window dressing and typical class war being raged by the President. Stay focused, motivated and vote. Show that man his dog and pony show has consequences and we will get that ass out

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle

Music Is the Conductor

Many times it’s been said by people that music helped to get them through. That music helped to heal a broken heart or comfort a wounded soul. It’s also been said that music hyped them up and buoyed their anger to do some destructive shit. Music hit my thoughts and triggered me to unleash. Music set the mood and love making or fucking that night was epic.

Music has always been a conductor for life’s tragedies and stories. We use the instrumentation in a song to help our minds travel to a place of desire. Whether it be a tranquil oasis, an emotional release, a frenzied ball of fire or anything in between. Music has been that buffer to help to world understand the same message from different outlets.

Music never gets enough credit for its ability to create peace, unity, love and understanding in our society. Music can take a Wall Street guy and a street guy and create a bond that other activities can’t. Music has allowed people to release inner demons and burdens through it’s harmonious melodies or it’s fye beat with lit lyrics.

The many different varieties of music make it able to speak to you from almost any platform. It can stoke any feeling you want to feel, all you have to do is just the music play and let it move you. Music has been my vice to help get me through some very trying and emotional times. Music has expressed for me what I didn’t know how to express to someone that I needed to know how I was feeling.

If you really need to find a way to relax, to release and let go of some things bothering your soul, if you need to turn up and get down to business go to the music. The music always has the right tune for you. You don’t always have to pay someone a lot of money to heal you. Sometimes you just gotta get out your own way, relax your mind and let the music conduct it’s way through you.

What kinda music get you through? Talk to me America let’s heal through the music

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

The Shits Catch Up To You

We’ve all done some shit in our days that either we knew was wrong or we knew we just shouldn’t do cuz it just wasn’t a good look. And if you haven’t then just keep living and eventually you will.

Most times we do it towards someone or multiple someone’s, lmao, but nonetheless we do something to undercut someone and try to act like we don’t care when the shit hits the fan. In reality, most times we don’t, however there are a select number of people that we know if we ever did that to, we would have big regrets if it wasn’t truly warranted.

I make no bones that I’ve done this a few times along the way, Ha!! And have had to eat my words or actions a few times because I would up needing that same person in short order after showing my ass. Thankfully I had people who didn’t he grudges and were there with open arms and a smart mouth when I needed them.

As far as I go, I’m not that nice, especially if I’ve been there for you through time in ways that few or none others were. If you pull the shit wit me after I’ve been that person to you, you will get my ass to kiss permanently. No, I didn’t say I was a perfect man or Christian. I certainly never pretended to be that nice of a person. I will tell anyone this same warning, if you’re lucky enough to make it in my life for any prolonged period of time, please don’t be wit the shits cuz that will be the end.

Why am I saying all of this? Cuz yesterday one of these types of people I described, decided to try and pop the fuck up in my text messages. See ion change my number cuz I don’t like the giving my number out process, lmao, so if u knew me a decade ago I got the same damn number. All thst was said was Hey, but I was curious as to why the fuck he talking to me..?

Bitch you flaked on me and decided to be my side with my past. You stooped so low as to fuck my past, and tried to be secretive about it. Then, when I try to speak to u about it, you ignore me and tell my past. Then you had the nerve to flex and lie about the shit I did to help yo bitch made ass out so you didn’t taken advantage of. Then you dare to send me that weak shit.

The block function is a motha fucka and I use it with great joy and little hesitation. As I said, when you be on the shits, it will catch up to u. When you fuck over a good person solely so u can get what you, you rue that. You will reap it and still need that person cuz a good bitch wit you is still a good bitch without you.

The lesson, keep the shits to a minimum and never completely burn the bridge. Always leave enough to be able to repair. Cuz once the bridge is gone, you can never build it back.

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

The Voices In My Head

Everybody has different ways of coping with pain, stresses, hurts and disappointments of life. Depending on the severity, frequency and who causes these traumas to happen, your ability to cope may be very drastic or very easy.

When I was younger and would endure emotional or mental or physical pain, my recovery from those things was usually pretty swift and seamless. I was able to effectively erase those moments from memory and live like nothing happened.

That’s what I was leading myself to believe. However, the reality is, in truth, what was happening was I was slowly being torn nd broken with each incident. I was making multiple personalities and voices inside me in order to try and protect myself from the people and situations that led to my heartache.

The irony is every time I would do the work to recover and strengthen myself better than before, some shit would happen to blow up the progress made. And you know, it wasn’t because I kept doing the same things, I wasn’t dating the same type person. All the boxes you check, I checked every fucking one. But there I was going through anothter rebuild.

Well this time the shit was as intrusive, invasive and devastating as anything I’ve ever been through. It ripped every thing I worked for, built, sacrificed and put my effort to pieces. And with that came all the different voices and personalities rushing to try and shield me from any more pain, hurt and despair.

I have worked so hard the past 7 and a half months to rebuild myself, from head to toe. Not knowing sometimes how I’m going to eat. Sometimes worries if I’ll be able to take care of myself. Trying to understand who I am today and who I can lean on for support. And you know what, all that work and the job isn’t nearly close to complete.

The voices are strong some days. Some days they take over my brain and my thoughts are erratic and scattered. Emotions and feelings are vast and unfiltered. Raw and intense. Other times, they’re muted and aloof. Withdrawn and reclusive. Then occasionally, I realize that I have made significant progress and I feel a little good about myself.

Just read the last couple paragraphs again and it’s enough to make you feel like you’ve been in a hurricane. It’s just surreal sometimes. From a complete destruction of my personal and professional life, to the details of how I lost my son, to the betrayl of who I thought was a brother and one who was like a protege. All of it sitting on my chest and really no one to truly turn to.

It has bore a man who is sometimes truly lost. No trust in no one. No belief in anybody, no matter the title they currently hold. Sometimes I just detach myself from the world. I don’t wanna be bothered or disturbed. Sometimes to conquer this, I unlock the inner beast and fuck my way out my feelings. I know people have it worse. But trust me I can’t just explain it all and nor do I wanna try. All I know are the voices are getting louder. They are growing bigger and they are starting to take over.

The result of all of this. I have no fuckin clue. I just kno it can only lead to the unknown and that may be the scariest thing of all. I don’t really kno where it bottoms out and turns back up.

Talk to me America

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics

My Final Thought

As I watched and discussed the outcome possibilities of the new Associate Justice on the Supreme Court, my calculation was one based on logic, not partisanship.

I’ve heard many pundits on many television stations discuss the merits of all the flash points surrounding Justice Kavanaugh. I was almost certain that two of the three Republicans, if not all three would vote no. But that meant ignoring the tea leaves and the cover job given by Sen Flake.

Let’s think about it for a minute. I believe he was deeply torn, but I also believe he was always going to be a yes vote for Justice Kavanaugh u til he got called on it. The same with Sen Collins. She was always a yes until the allegations. Sen Murkowski she was the one to watch thou. She was never on board with the nominee and apparently nothing was said to convince her.

But what he did last Friday calling for an FBI review, ultimately provided cover for him, Collins and Sen Manchin to all vote for this man. Claiming they believe Dr Blasey Ford, but the evidence didn’t support her. Well truth is the investigation wasn’t thorough or complete and the reality is you can’t have double speak like that. If you believe Dr Ford, then u think Justice Kavanaugh was lying. To say both of them were honest nd believable is bogus. Everyone knew 1 week wasn’t going to solve this allegation but it was all Dems could get nd it was all the time the Reps needed.

Sadly the lies told will be the silo that hangs over the court. This Justice appears the most partisan justice to be confirmed. The demeanor and vernacular used show to me his poor temperament. The narrative coming out of it is disgusting. I heard a Republican say on tv this morning that a woman came with baseless accusations and ruined a good man. Let me be clear, I had doubts at first because of the manner that the store at behaved. But after fully engaging I wanted to hear the testimony. Her claims aren’t baseless, sadly they can’t be corroborated so some wanna smear her. To suggest that it’s baseless because you’re a Republican hack, that just wanted the con rush job approved is awful.

That’s why this country is so broken, divided and distrusting. We want to sensationalize everything, rather than have empathy for something and disagree gracefully. We are in a very new time. Maybe all this continues to push people to vote for change. For candidates who reflect their politics, not this bull shit we see. One can only hope.

Whatever your position on the matter few things are true. One, this process harmed everyone involved, two the nation is further divided nd distrusting than ever, three Trump is doing what he promised and we are all along for the ride and finally, if you want to stop what’s happening then use your fucking right given to you and vote!

If you care about the country, your family, friends and people period, get off ur ass nd vote!!

America sound off, lets talk