Where the fuck do I begin? It’s been an interesting few months since I was last spilling my guts here. I’ve had conversations about my thoughts, feelings, emotions and how I express them. I’ve discussed whether or not this forum is best used for that outlet. I’ve talked about how I should be writing and expressing myself. Listening is a skill and understanding is a requirement. I’ve been navigating managing feelings for someone while also being a friend without those feelings interrupting the bond that’s been and continuing to be built. I’m navigating building a career with another company and experiencing the overt bias and privilege of the White women and men in the company. Understanding that being one of the intelligent, competent and qualified black men isn’t enough to overcome the bias alone. Having to constantly show out and display your qualifications skills even on bad days is tiresome, but necessary. I’ve been navigating the changing dynamics of my life. Friendships challenged and tested. Family relationships challenged and lost. Life is always challenging me. To grow, to evolve, to stand on business, to pour into others, and to pour into myself.

It’s crazy to think that it’s almost been a year since you came into my life. What was originally just a fun link has turned into what appears to be a life-long bond. Navigating this dynamic has been one of the easier and also most challenging experiences of my life. When you like someone but you know they don’t want the same thing you do right now. How do you balance all of that. Being around, wanting to do more and be more involved, but understanding that they don’t want the same thing from you. Being there to support and lend guidance and help when asked for. Also, to step back and provide the space for both of you to explore the other people in y’all life that balance out whatever this is. The word is friendship, right. Always given that label but not really moving solely in friendship spaces. Understanding though, that at any time that could change and you have to accept that. The difficulty isn’t in accepting change, it’s in accepting that the person who will likely benefit from the growth and maturation that you’re part of shaping will not be you, most likely. Seeing and knowing that some of the work you’re putting in is 100 percent helping you, but it’s to the benefit of the next man. That’s the part where I struggle the most. Why? Because I see you as more than just the friend with benefits label that’s been given to me.

Sometimes when you cross generations you have to understand that life’s meeting points don’t always align with your timeline. It can be a case of right person, wrong time. Maybe it’s wrong time and wrong person. Maybe it’s wrong person, right time. Any of these scenarios can be the reason that someone who fits you and you fit them, ultimately becomes just a friend instead of exploring the love and romance of your relationship. When the time was given, you see there’s so much chemistry to explore. There’s a natural vibe that comes off. It’s easy and doesn’t require a lot of explanation. Learning how each other functions and thinks. Taking a trip together, so soon after meeting each other was crazy, but it was enjoyable. I don’t know that things will ever reach the pinnacle that they could. I’ve heard from people linked to me and you that they miss seeing us together. I think this is a case where anybody who sees us together, realizes that we have the magic to make the cross generational relationship work. Shit, we know that we have the magic. I remember the conversation we had around Christmas. That night we acknowledged to each other we can do this, if we want to. I also remember the conversation from Valentine’s Day when you told me that’s not what you want right now. You didn’t want a boyfriend, and I knew then that this was a friendship I had to accept. At least for right now. Then came the blow up that night in March. When you showed ya ass and I had to respond accordingly. These moments also reminded me of some of the feelings that I have for you.

Months later and it feels like things are steady but unsteady at the same time. No more conversations had about dating and being together. No more time spent together outside of taking to or from work. We don’t go on dates or try to spend time together either. And it’s not just a you thing it’s me too. For months I tried to plan dates for us on your off time, but you never wanted to go. I accepted that and took that to mean you were through with the ‘date night’ phase of us. Because any other time when we talked about and planned something, we made the date and we went. Living through a situationship is harder than it appears. You function daily like you enjoy it. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you enjoy the freedom of it, right. Not answering to anyone and not having to fully consider the other person when you do whatever that you’re doing. The truth is, you’re always still considering the other person. Even if you’re going to have sex with anyone else, you need to consider their sex health. To make sure that you’re not giving anything to each other. Still, questions are asked about past sex links. Why? Because even though you’re not a couple, you still have the feelings of a couple. You still want to know, generally and specifically sometimes, what the other is doing and when they’re doing it. You don’t want to feel like you’re missing out because they’re being more active than you are. Truth is, I really want it all with you. I want you to feel me and I want to feel you. I’ve seen you naked many times. I love your body. You have a nice, long, fat dick. Then you got a juicy, pretty ass. You have the combination that I love. You have the personality and demeanor to match. The whole package of what I want in a man I see with you. Yet, I can’t have you.

I also begin to look forward at the career I’m building and the decisions I’m making about what comes next. I’m watching myself on a daily basis, gain the knowledge and comfort to be just as dynamic in this phase of my career as I was in previous iterations. I’m accomplishing the goals that are required for growth, not just within this company but within this business sector. I see the qualities becoming more solidified. I see the mentorship and peer support adding to and heightening my career ladder. Knowing that I’m providing this type of quality support to my peers but I’m not being currently considered for a Senior TAM position is diabolical. Add to that one of the people being considered doesn’t do or have half the skill set, in my opinion that I do. Yes, she chose clients that are extremely negligent in their work, which requires the AM to do more to fix their support issues. That’s not my fault or problem. I handle all the cases I’m given, and I learn about the solutions that need to be applied. I feel like my TL is straddling a fence that isn’t going to hold up much longer. I notice his bias towards the two white girls who are a tandem at work to achieve their goals together. I hear the whispers that they’re only being considered for Senior and not me. How the fuck can you justify that? How are you sitting in my face telling me that there’s nothing for me right now, but you’ve sent your recommendation to the director for the two white women. One is deserved from a work standpoint. She does the work and is willing to take on all types of cases. She doesn’t do the peer support and teaching that you claim you require. Neither of them do. But, I do.

I completed my qualified presenter presentation, as required and passed. You claim you want me to be more vocal to the team, but why should I be. I provide my insights when I have them. Otherwise, I do the job assigned and to the best of my abilities. You want to give credit to someone who takes on tasks that are remedial and unnecessary. You want to give credit to someone who always reaches out for help with everything they do. Not researching to learn but trying to get someone else to do it. That’s your definition of a senior? I want to leave this business unit. I don’t like it and I don’t like the direction it’s taken. Time to find that next role, that fits and pays me according to my worth. Being the black nigga with skill isn’t the payoff in this company. You have to do 10 times the work to get the equal acclaim as the others. When you have TL’s for other products bragging about your work quality, but your TL and leadership are not sufficiently recognizing the talent is a problem. You can’t go in blowing steam because then you look like the angry black man with a vendetta. We know that doesn’t end well for the nigga. You’re always going to be perceived as a threat or some other type of negative stereotype that ends with you on the wrong end of the ledger. You know the narratives that will already play. Too talkative, too distracted, too accessible. Needs to grow more. When if you look at tall the metrics, I hit and exceed them all. Case closures, talking to clients, improving my quality interactions with clients, delivering quality assistance to my peers. What more do you want from me? I see no reason I should keep giving if you keep taking. You don’t respect my work with my money. You give these weak ass raises and provide some bullshit excuse and think that folks are supposed to accept it.

I’m considering moving again. I believe that it’s time to work on and make happen the relocation that I’ve been thinkin about for a few years. I made the first attempt 2 years ago and missed my timing by a month. This time, I don’t think I’m going to miss. I believe things are lining up for me to make this transition again. You know, part of me is nervous, like always… because it’s a new journey to a somewhat familiar place. It’s starting a new chapter, this time by myself. Most times I feel like that’s the best way for me to experience something new. Take the journey by myself and find my support once I get there. I’ve tried to go places where I already have someone and build out from there. It’s led to issues every time. I never understand why I can’t take my lover with me and move somewhere new and we succeed. Moved to Ohio, that became a shit show built on insecurity. My ex wasn’t confident enough or comfortable enough in his skin to handle me. It showed up in our relationship, and I had to walk away. Moved to Columbus and that was built on lies. My ex wanted to be a hoe and have a live in nigga. That doesn’t work for me. Moved to Orlando and that became a shit show. My ex was crazy, violent, overly aggressive, a liar, a cheater and a whore. He wanted an open relationship, and I’m just not built for that. Until I get the right two people to show me, we can have a three-way relationship, it’s a no. And I don’t want a relationship where we openly fucking random other niggas. What’s the point of being with you, if I’m going to keep fucking anybody else I want?

Family and Friends can be the biggest bullshit relationships that exist. No matter how much you try to cultivate them, the fact is it takes both people to make a relationship successful. Friends tend to have a what can I benefit from you mentality when assessing their friendships. When you find people who don’t operate from that space you keep those people. Next thing you worry about is them being the type of friend to take advantage of the friend dynamic. Always with their hands out asking for or needing something from you. Never having the ability or wanting to reciprocate to you the love and appreciation you give to them. Be clear, for relationships to work, no matter friends, lovers, family or whatever there must be a balance. Both people must feel that the pouring that happens is into each other. Not just one person benefitting all the time at the expense of the other. When that does happen, you have to recalibrate and make people think twice about how they interact with you. When someone walks away from you, allow that to be the action that you need to see to understand where you stand in their life. If they attempt to comeback require accountability and consistency, if you choose to open that door again. It’s perfectly fine for you to say fuck you when they attempt to comeback if you don’t feel the energy that you need. You’re not required to hold a space open for anyone in your life. Always be willing to stand for you! The boundaries you set you must consistently enforce. It’s hard to do and sometimes unpopular but required. Facts being facts, I miss some of the relationships I had with family and friends. But I took time to sit back and watch how shit went. It’s not because of me that we’re not close or that we fell off or that we fell out. I opened myself to you. I communicated with you. I reached out to you. I provided support to you. When it was time for those things to be done in return, you were missing. You were inconsistent. You always had an excuse. So, I allowed myself to excuse you from my life. Man, this life shit, this adult shit is so fuckin ghetto.

It’s alot more for me to say and I promise I’m coming back to delve deeper into these topics and so many other things. For now, I gotta go get this day moving forward. More extending and pouring out. Will see who pours into me. Thank you to those who already started my morning with a smile by reaching out. Texts and calls. Keep loving on yourself. It might hurt when you not being loved on by the people you thought would do it most, but it feels good when you can shower yourself with the love you need. Have a phenomenal day!