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Mental War

The title is very self explanatory so I will not indulge with a lead in here. Let’s just really get the nuts and bolts of the situation. I’m starting find myself at war with mental make up here lately. Now some might read that and say, How the fuck can you be at war with your own mental makeup, you’re the designer of that head space? The answer to me is simple.. my heart and the other reaches of my mind are conflicting with the primary cognitive processes that go through my head on a daily basis. If you’re still a bit confused then I challenge you to really take some time to get a little more in tune with all of your mental faculties, it’s a very eye opening and self aware thing to do. With that though, comes a greater deal of awareness of yourself, including past and present, which makes things more complex in a way. You often things are able to think of what past version of you would do, you know what the present version of you is likely to do, but then you have the deeper reaches of you that are toiling about. Sometimes, it can be a more sinister side of yourself, or it can be a more utopian or idealistic version of your thoughts that wants to include itself in your mindset.

I’m starting to figure out when you have all these different iterations of your mentality mixing about, it can make for some very arduous times. Essentially what you have is your mind wondering in all of these different directions about the myriad of situations playing out in your day to day life and the decisions that you make as a result of these situations. On a deeper level, once many of these situations have played themselves out, you really spend time mentally talking yourself through all of it. Looking at it from all the angles of the mind that you have unlocked. In some ways, you are acting as a counselor for yourself. Thinking of all of these different scenarios as to why things occurred the way they did. If you could have changed anything to make the situation better or prevent it from occurring in the first place. And definitely, if things didn’t go well, you’re wondering if one of those different mentalities could’ve handled it better and allowed for the situation to have a more satisfactory or positive ending.

Part of the deal also is that you wonder if your primary mindset is the correct mental perspective you need to operating with in this time. It makes you think if you need to take time to regroup and reshape your mentality to gravitate to one of other mindsets, making the necessary personality changes or adjustments to follow suit with that mentality. That to me is where things become just a little more complicated. Because in these moments where you’re questioning your own mental make up, it means you’re also questioning the personality traits and style that you are operating from. What it represents is a challenge to yourself and your way of thinking and living. It’s you forcing yourself to look at how you do things and determine if you can do things a better way. If you need to retool your own demeanor for the betterment of yourself. It’s that constant personal battle within, to be the best version of yourself or the most comfortable version of yourself. Many times they aren’t one in the same and that struggle to determine which needs to exist primarily is a bitch.

When you are alone with yourself and your thoughts, you allow for yourself to have an honest moment, if you’re being honest and open with yourself. It gives you a chance to look at the things that are happening and have happened and decide what you should to in order to continue to get those results or what needs to be done to prevent those outcomes from continuing to happen. It challenges you to look at yourself and wonder if your style is too passive or aggressive, or if it’s just right and the designed outcomes is happening for you. It makes you wonder if you’re attracting the right people and if you’re not, what it says about you and the energy and aura you’re putting out to the universe for people to pickup on. I think it also forces you to make real decisions about being present or allowing yourself to remain on pause. When you’ve been hurt this process can be doubly complicated because you’re emotionally broken and damaged, which feeds into your mental state as well. Emotional instability leads to mental instability and vice versa. So if you’re dealing with mental and emotional traumas, it stands to reason that you’re compromised from a decision making stand point and you need time to heal from all those wounds before you starting making major overhauls to yourself and your character.

Writing this today, has really helped me to see with even greater clarity, that I am a man who is deeply scared and severely wounded. I have learned how to cope with the pain and hurt to the point that I can function, but my mind is constantly at war with itself and my emotions are inwardly fighting daily to become more outward showing. It, for me, is why I feel that this mental war is the most challenging that I’ve ever been through. It encompasses so many things that have been so close to my heart and losing all of them has really tossed me into this unknown state. Days come where I want to burn it all down, destroy it all and just disappear. To be removed from the emotional and mental and physical pains that occupies space in my life. And then times come, where my sanity returns and I continue to move forward. Smiling and trying to find ways to handle these obstacles. The war within is trying to decide what to do, where to go and who to be. Questions that will alter the course of my life, that will shape this next part of the journey. Part is saying let it all go. Burn it to the ground and start all over again. Part of me is saying, leave all of yesterday in yesterday and let today be the beginning. Part of me is saying, take the best parts of what was, put them with the best parts of what is and create the best of what will be.

I don’t know how many of you this will resonate with, but maybe in your days, weeks, months and years to come you will reflect back on this post and think to yourself, my mental war is not one that I’m alone in fighting, I just have to have the resolve and the strength to keep fighting. My breakthrough and reward is on the other side. Just make the right choice and let the chips fall where they will.

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Heart Chronicles

I am usually the eternal optimist. I almost always try to see things from a positive disposition. But there are things that really just pull at me and it makes me think, causes pause in my mind and heart. I know that I’ve talked about my past pain with my lost children, and while there has been some closure there, I always have these hard dreams and empty feelings of missing what I helped to create that didn’t get to breathe life on this planet. I don’t know how to explain it or really the best way to describe it. I can be doing just fine and then see commercials with young kids or babies, or see my friends timeline on social media talking about their kids or showing pictures of their kids and my mind instantly goes to the thoughts about my missing three. No matter how hard I try and how much I move forward, I think about what my life would be like with my three babies here.

You know it’s one of the few things that makes me have some resentment towards the general public. I don’t understand why I wasn’t and currently haven’t been given the opportunity to have my own children. I took on the role of parent, being a Gay father to all my babies that I’ve grown up over the years. And while that has been extremely fulfilling and I have loved every minute of helping to raise them and grow them into the amazing men that they have become, I am also hurt and saddened that I haven’t been able to just enjoy being a father from birth all the way through to children of my own creating. There is a pain and hurtfulness that comes along with losing kids that you really don’t get to recover fully from, in my opinion. Especially this time of the year. Christmas time, kids excited and trying to barter their way into extra presents. Trying to do everything under the sun asked of them to make sure they get the most of what they want. That spirit of cheer and happiness, something I feel but that I also miss because I don’t have them to share it with.

Granted if my twins were here they wouldn’t be able to really appreciate it, because they would only be 8 months old, but if my three year old was here, he would be really excited I’m sure. As a child I know that I was always overly excited and energetic for this time of the year. Knowing that gifts were coming and I would see all my friends and family and how much fun I would be having with them. I really just sit sometimes and wonder why am I not being given this gift of creating life and then raising that child or children that I created. I know that God doesn’t make mistakes and if it is within my calling to have children I will. At the same time, I hate that I have to feel this heart sinking feeling on such a regular basis. I don’t know that I will ever have the thoughts and dreams of what could’ve been out of my mind. I’m not sure that I will ever get to know what it’s like to hold a baby in my arms that comes in part from me. The miscarriage that we suffered last year was devastating on a level that I can’t explain. But the abortion, that I never agreed to or knew about until two years after it was done, is the one that kills me more than anything. To know that we were just a few months away from having a beautiful child, it leaves such a sickening feeling in my heart.

It’s so hard to not have resentment for the mother of my first child. Knowing that so much was done in secrecy and private, but I always try to remember that through it all, that person was willing, at least at first, to give my my first child. I can’t really tell you how often my mind wonders what I could have done differently, while still being true to myself and my feelings, and still have my son here with me today. After having a recent conversation with my would’ve been baby mother, I’m convinced that there really was nothing I could so, short of being in a relationship that wasn’t as healthy as it should have been from a mental perspective. I finally realized after this last talk that I really wasn’t able to salvage that situation. And even with that knowledge I still don’t think it was right or fair to basically kill my child because your emotions were raw and your feelings were hurt. That to me should never be the reason that something life changing like that is done. Playing with life and the lives of people, not just your own, should never be the end result.

Life teaches me that in order to make way for the next gift, I have to be able to get over the past torment or pain. My heart will forever be torn on this dynamic because I hurt for my lost child that didn’t have to be. I hurt for my twins that were lost and I don’t really understand why me. But I will keep my head clear, my heart open and my emotions under control. Hopefully my time will come and I will be able to raise my own.

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Hard or Soft.. Masculine or Feminine

I’ve written in the past about the dynamic in the gay community where masculinity or femininity is based upon one’s sexual position rather than the personality and appearance given. I want to revisit that because after a recent conversation I feel like, especially in the Black Gay community, this is still a BIG mischaracterization and it shouldn’t still be happening so prevalently. It needs to be understood that just because one is versatile or a bottom, that it doesn’t automatically mean they’re soft or feminine or less masculine that a top or vers top. Let’s get into this conversation point just a little deeper.

When I was talking to this friend, he said that he can’t date someone who is versatile because they aren’t masculine enough. That essentially, because they took dick, they can’t be hard or dominant enough to handle a fully submissive bottom. I challenged that assertion because I was trying to figure out how did he come to that conclusion? I thought that we had gotten a littler further past the point of position determining dominance. His response is typical of what you hear from gays. He said “I don’t know, I just assumed because they taking dick that they can’t be that dominant or masculine.” I laughed at that notion, thinking to myself, damn are we still living in the early 2000’s or early 2010’s? I mean damn what really makes someone think that only taking dick is the definition of being dominant or submissive? Well, I had to remind him that there are many masculine and dominant bottoms that exist. In fact, especially in Atlanta, there are far more manish bottoms that there are manish tops. LOL, if you disagree with this opinion, just ask some gays in this city, they will tell you. You can find a solid top, but there will always be a little more sweet twist to them than you might expect.

And to me that’s normal anyway. I mean as a gay man that’s what makes it so much fun. I can be a dominant or alpha type man and still like to have a big, eccentric personality as well. I can be the one normally controlling the relationship and still like to take dick from time to time if I decide I want to. Or, I can just be with a bottom who loves to please me and be just as satisfied. The complexity of being a gay man should be embraced and accepted, as opposed to trying to over simplify people into a category based on whether or not you take some wood in your hole. I never really understand the need for that this of discussion anyway. LOL, I mean yes I do get it and realize that people find the need to quickly box folks so they can make quick decisions, but I think that takes away from the dynamic of learning and knowing each other. Sometimes the right one for you will be right there, but because you make an baseless assumption, based on one thing instead of knowing them could make you miss out on that right one.

I don’t plan to get too deeply involved in this conversation because I feel that this stereotype is changing, but I just felt the need to come back and readdress this because I’ve heard this a little more often that I thought I would. Like why would you want someone to be just so stock standard to something? I think the different personality traits and dynamics is what makes the art of finding a love match so intriguing, but also so frustrating at times. Love yourself and the skin you’re in, but also be open to accepting that dominance and masculinity comes in different forms and in different packages. Maybe, opening your mind to that will allow for you to find the love that you want. I always say, if you’re only use to looking for the same thing, in the same place, you will continue to get the same failing results.

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Holiday Rollercoaster

This year, as has been said millions of times, is unlike any other. We are dealing with something that we’ve never dealt with before. We are living through times where we have no idea of what will happen during the day we are living in, let alone what the next day will bring. We’re having more people die than what usually die. We’re losing loved ones and able to fully mourn them because of this pandemic. Many of us, airing on the side of caution, are not with our families this year but doing things separately. We are experiencing things that we never thought we would and yet we try to figure out how to handle mourning the loved ones we lost.

This year has been difficult for me on a number of fronts. The least of which is dealing with the loss of two family members. I lost one of my favorite cousins this April and I lost my Aunt just days before Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I was unable to be present for either of their funerals or to grieve with my family because of the restrictions related to Covid-19. There are countless people out there like me. Having people they know and love die and all they can do is mourn from a distance. It’s one of the hardest things to do in this current climate. It makes you hard pressed to find peace, happiness or joy. hard to get in a mindset to have Thankful mind.

For so long the start of the holiday season usually signals the easing of tensions for most. A majority tend to find their better angels and behave accordingly. Often times, people are looking to be more generous and kind, and while all those things are present this year, there is definitely a fatigue and exhaustion from dealing with the effects of this pandemic. People have lost their jobs and haven’t found one to replace it. People have gotten sick and didn’t have money to get appropriate healthcare. People are watching loved ones struggle and continue to struggle with no real end in sight. Hungry and some homeless this holiday season isn’t one that makes it easy to say Give Thanks.

Then you really to remember what being Thankful means. You have to really sit and consider your own life and whether there are things in it that you are grateful for. If you have family that is living that you have a relationship with. If you have children that are in touch with you. If you have friends that you lean on and laugh with. If you have a job or career that you can still go to. If you have your own peace when you walk into your place that you rest your head, then you have reasons to give thanks. If you are able to do everything on and for yourself then you need to give thanks. Those blessings are things that you can’t take for granted either.

It’s hard to do but it’s something that needs to be done. Find that warmth, find that love and find that care and peace. Please remember that we’re all going through challenges and the more we can show the love and be the love that we want to receive. Only then we can try to mourn and recover together. Peace, love and blessings to all.

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Heart Chronicles

Sometimes things will happen in life that make you question did something previously that was intentionally designed to prepare you for the next time, or was it just a real coincidence? I have a hard time really understanding why a situation will happen, only for it to come back around sooner than you expect it to. When you have two of the same situations back to back, your mind goes crazy trying to understand what should you do. Do you allow yourself to give that new person a second chance, or do you take a lesson from the prior situation and distance yourself from them as well?

The truth is I don’t know if there is a singular right answer. I think it all depends on the individuals involved and what caused things to end with that person. Ironically, in this case, the situations are actually almost mirror images of each other. The only difference maybe being the personalities of the two people. Otherwise, both of them are the same type, with the same setup that caused all of this to be unsettling to me. It has caused me to have more pause than a little bit and it makes me think about whether or not I’ve made the right choices. Someone who without a doubt makes me feel good and special. Someone who shows me love beyond what they get out of me. More than just a token nod or bullshit statement out of their mouth.

At the same time, my mind is brandished with how it all tumbled down. How the abandonment was swift and blind-sided. How there was no warning or any discussion of the issues that made him feel that needed to distance himself from me. Same setup as someone different over a year ago. No reason given, no explanation presented, just disappeared for a year and then randomly out the blue, boom, pops back up. Offers his story and apology, pleads against my emotions and feelings that I had buried for him, asking for a second chance. Having conversation for hours to make sure that this was something serious, that it wasn’t going to be another game that would have a random and heart wrenching ending.

As hard as I tried and as much as I was guarded against the possible games to be played, it turned out to be exactly the same almost as the first time. This time after nearly six months of living together and experiencing difficulties together. Learning more of the deeper and more emotional parts of our past, bonding on what I thought was foundational strengthening, but turned out to be time filling bullshit. I can’t really understand why someone would want to do that to someone. Why would you waste time like that? Why would you want to expose parts of your story, that you claim are sacred to you, if all you intended to do was walk out randomly, with no warning, with no explanation, with no answers provided.

As crazy as it sounds, I really did all I could to protect against this outcome. I gave my heart to the relationship, I put my own flair on things, but I also made sure to not just completely lose myself in building a potential forever. I was not going to allow myself to waste my time if I could spot shit before it happens. And yet, I was unable to do it again. I was blind-sided yet again. I was turned away for simply being me, after being told that I was wanted for just simply being me. And here comes another man, different in every way from the first, but with the exact same kind of situation that the first man presented. He came along and was an amazing guy. Pushed me in some ways and I pushed him in other ways. We made a special bond over a 7 month period, only for him to run away, no notice, no reason given.

He stayed away for a year as well, only to return to my life and give the same apologies and regretful diatribe that the first man had given to me. I made a very intentional effort to let him know that I had just went through this exact same scenario a couple months prior and I’m not interested in having this shit happen to me again. The torment and anger that festered within me was deep and burning bright. I was trying to be open to this man, while also knowing he was just like the man I had to say goodbye to without understanding why. And here is where the difficulty and complexity comes into play.

I’ve made a history of telling friends and family that you can’t convict the next person for what the last person did. You can’t hold the next one accountable for what the prior person got away with. You can only learn and grow to not allow it to happen again, but you must give each person a fair chance. However, this seems to be the rare exception to that rule in a couple ways. This case involves someone who previously did the exact same thing as the first man. Nothing at all different about how they did it. The reasonings given by both men are actually damn near the same. Being in bad places mentally and emotionally. Needing to cleanse themselves and clear their minds of the things that they had been through and had going on.

Can you see just how challenging this is for me now. I want to have love and be loved. I want to have someone who wants to be with me for me. Who isn’t afraid to put their love out there to be matched by mines. Making themselves vulnerable enough to be loved and not so scared that they run away when it gets too real I suppose. The heart wants to be loved and it wants to be protected. It wants to feel appreciated and accepted. Dealing with this situation is immensely challenging and I don’t know if I can really go through with this or not. But I’m trying to fight the urge to pull away. I’m trying to allow this love to show me it’s different than the one before.

Anybody been through something like this? Talk back.. post your comments.. lets discuss..

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Heart Chronicles

There comes a point in your love life when your heart just can’t take anymore bullshit and creates the space for a hardened form yourself to exist, which can ruin the chances of you finding your special match that out there waiting for you. It’s difficult to turn away from that when you have had that love you give taken advantage of numerous times. Keep in mind, it doesn’t mean that it happens the same way each time. This is a case where different people inflict different types of hurt that cause you to want to stray away from seeking love and finding happiness with a special someone. Maybe there is solution and maybe the solution is just the one that you present, but either way, let’s see if we can determine how to let the love live without killing you inside in the process.

We all know the addicting and powerful effect that love can have on us as people. Our hearts yearn for that acceptance and togetherness that being in love brings. It allows you to see past flaws of one person to get to the core and heart of them instead. You want to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to allow someone to touch the parts of you that you reserve for someone that you truly feel is worth that experience. You anticipate having someone that you share your inner most thoughts with, someone that knows the deep, dark secrets that you hold so close you will go to your grave with them, be it not for that person you love. All of these things and more you want to experience with just one person, and when the person you think is that one turns out not to be, it just depends on how you find that out as to how much of that burning love flame will die down.

If you have what is considered a normal breakup, you know arguments or just to many differences to work, then you accept that maybe that person was meant to open your mind to certain parts of life, but that ultimately they weren’t that one and you allow yourself to continue on the journey. You take the time to recover from the emotional scars of the relationship and set your sights on being ready for the next one to come along. Not knowing if they will be teaching a lesson, robbing your time and heart, or here for the ride until the end. That is what we all hope to have from the failed relationships, yet more often than not, that’s not what you get though. Now we come across people who have nefarious motives. They want their survival to be so big time that they are willing to lie and abuse the love you give in order to maintain their lifestyle and survival that it tears you down in the process.

You see it is this type of relationship that the path of heart hardening gets sped up like a runaway freight train. Because it exposes you to the toxic nature of users. They know how to talk the bullshit better than most. Always keeping you lured in with the whims of your desires and stories of past pains they’re trying to move beyond themselves. And just how much you’re helping with your open and honest approach with them. While, they’re “recovering” they’re using all your energy, love and maybe even finances to get themselves better. This person is dangerous because they can take you for everything if they play the long game. Or even if they don’t they can leave you feeling raped of all that you work hard to store and give to someone deserving. When it’s all said and done, you have that feeling of despair and you struggle to make sense of the how and why. How did they get over and why would they choose to be users. Maybe their past pain just permeates their mind and as the old saying goes.. Hurt people, hurt people.

It’s a damaging psychological concept, but one that has one hundred percent validity. The cycle of making someone else feel the pain you feel, is as human as the cycle of the hopeless romantic, willing to be open to love at all costs. They come from the natural instincts of people. One a desire to protect yourself and inflict hurt on someone else to free it from yourself. The other, to never give up on the idea of sharing life with someone. Not wanting to be alone all your life. That is where these two mind sets overlap in my opinion. They both want to avoid that feeling of being alone, so you allow yourself to believe in things or behave in such a way that isn’t as healthy as you should be, but it’s attempting to satisfy a means to an end and real logic doesn’t really matter right now.

Yes there are many different levels to being a hopeless romantic and a jilted or scorned lover, this writing is really looking at the more extreme ends of these dynamics. The individuals who because of the hurts and abuses suffered are either so willing to believe in love that they are willing to disregard the norms or guardrails that protect you, or the person that’s been hurt so bad or so many times that they would rather inflict that type of pain on someone else so that they can say it doesn’t reside within them anyone. Usually, the person that they inflict that hurt to is one who doesn’t deserve it. It’s the person that was sent to help them really heal and be better than they are, but they’re blinded and so the cycle doesn’t break it continues.

I sit here so many times wondering why have I been chosen by so many different types of men to be their hurt person. The person that they give their hurt to by hurting me because of their past pains. It’s not something I seek or even can say I allow. I just feel that everyone deserves to be loved and have an opportunity to have someone be in their corner without using them or expecting them to “do something” in return. The price I’ve paid has been steep. I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for in life before. I’ve lost stability and happiness. I’ve lost blood and tears. I’ve lost time and love. Having these situations happen to you, create scars that over time can heal, but also over time can really harden. They make more willing to accept being alone and they start to turn some of that sweet, naïve love into a form of bitter love. Where you will love but with an eye bent towards protection from someone instead of protection by someone.

Sadly these stories are written all throughout history and time. People being jilted by past lovers, rushing too quickly into the next situation and hurting that lover. Or, just thinking that they’ve sufficiently addressed the past pain, only to find out they haven’t and the next lover paying the price for the former. We know the stories and drills so there is no need to pretend it doesn’t exist. For all those, we have all those instances as well of people actually doing the work to heal and not letting the next person pay for the last person. But the point is this, pain causes reactions and emotions that we don’t know until it happens. The deeper the pain the more radical the reactions. The more unexpected the hurt, the more punishing the next hurt will be. Instead of being willing to hurt the next one so you feel better about the last one. Try to sit and make yourself really better, that way the next one might stand the real chance of being the last one. Because they could have been sent to give you everything you need and almost all of what you want.

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Sex Confessions

The truth of the matter is that sex can often be a way of coping, offering a release from the struggles and challenges you face. It allows you to take the tension off. To fuck or be fucked and forget that you’re facing emotional and difficult things. Taking away the pain, however temporary, giving you a rush that makes you feel like you’re normal when you know that you’re not. Sex also soothes a situation sometimes. It can allow for you to take out the tension in your relationship by sexually releasing all that energy so that you can talk with each other and hopefully resolve your issues minus the negative energy. It can also just be for pleasure and fun. To fuck whomever and not worry about feelings or emotions attached because all you really want to do is get that nut and feel that elation. All three of these can be addicting and misleading, while also proving beneficial.

Having sex as a means of coping after a painful breakup or a damaging situation is very tricky. This type of sex is usually very misleading and has the power to be highly addicting. Because you’re getting that euphoric release and, if you’re not just fucking and going you have the ability to form a nice little vibe with people you’re sexing. It’s providing a false dynamic though. Because the vibe is just so you feel comfortable enough to fuck the person that you just met. And depending on how that vibe goes, you could become regular fuck buddies. But be careful, you could also mislead and misread things and end up in another quasi-relationship before you’ve healed from the last heartache. You have to be strong enough to resist that urge to make more out of jus the sex that you’re having.

Conversely, while you both might have an understanding of what purpose the sex serves, the other person might catch your vibe and try to push for more, especially if the sex is good as hell. In a situation like this you may need to be prepared to pull the plug on the situation and find you some new dick or ass, because you don’t want to set yourself up for failure too quick. It is that yearning for feeling the heat and intimacy of another that will lure you into that false sense of fulfilment. The truth of the matter is, usually, once you get that nut you return to the mindset that you had before that urge for sexual satisfaction kicked in, you’re back in that place trying to recover from that pain.

Now in my opinion, the best kind of sex is make up sex. We all have had that experience. After you and your partner have an argument or y’all just been going through a little hard time, as is apt to happen in life, and you get that chance to take out all your aggression and energy in that sex session or sessions. That moment when all that energy and tension is released feels like heaven. It’s like you can feel the weight coming off your shoulders. The atmosphere around you two gets lighter. You have more of a lightness and willingness to discuss things than you did before. It feels good to your body and mind, as well as a little soothing to the soul. But, just like the prior type of sex, you have to be careful with this too. Because you can turn this kind of make up passion into a regular thing and that can cause too much pressure on any relationship.

Yes, it can be fun and more erotic to enjoy aggressively pleasing your partner or being pleased, but it can create an air of uncertainty. After a while, you will tire of always needing to have “fights” in order to have highly passionate and emotional sex. That’s when you have to find the things that make you love that person and do things to make that become the muse for highly erotic and passionate sex with your lover. It’s true nothing will replace that heat of the moment sex to make you feel better, but it’s always going to be a quick fix, but don’t let that become the only fix.

Finally, the easiest of the three sexual expeditions is the meaningless, just for fun sex. This kind of sex is usually for people who are single and have no desire to get into a relationship at that time. They just want to feel the pleasure of another pleasing them or being pleased. You want to get that good nut and then let them go on about their business. We’ve all been there at some point. Be it a long period of time or just during your hoe period. Where you just want to fuck. No strings, no long periods of time together. It no doubt is very thrilling, because you usually are willing to far more experimenting than you would in other situations. You may not mind the random hook up, in open places, as well as traditional ones. You might be willing to have the occasional threesome or even a little group play.

There is nothing wrong with exploring your inner freak. But again, a word of caution here with this type of sex. It can truly be highly addicting. And, if you’re not careful it can be a little harmful to your health. Make sure that you strap up during these times, as you never know what you may come across. But, I know many people who just don’t prefer to use them at all, and if that’s you, just be very careful and selective. Have all the fun you want, just don’t put yourself at risk too much. Just don’t let yourself get trapped in a fwb situation that becomes a relationship, because that friend had sex that too addicting and you didn’t keep perspective.

See all of these types of sex offer different benefits and challenges. You have to be sure that whichever one applies to you, you’re responsible and prepared to handle the different possibilities that may arise. Have fun, have great sex and make some fun memories.

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Heart Chronicles

One of the hardest things to do is to recover from a relationship without closure. I think that when you have so many questions that aren’t answered and you have no true reason as to why things ended so abruptly, it makes you examine and over examine things to try to find the solution. It creates the constant state of uncertainty. It makes you not sure of yourself from a compatibility stand point. I say that because if you don’t really know why someone chose to leave a situation that didn’t have any obvious or clear issues, you know that there was some underlying issue at play. You just aren’t sure if it was you or the other person that really caused that issue to exist. You wonder what you did or said that may have triggered something that caused them say the can’t continue further.

It leaves you with a sense of turmoil and a lack of understanding. You frequently question yourself when you have time alone to yourself to think about what happened. There is no way to resolve those questions within a short period of time. You have to let your mind wonder, if only to find its own answers that can be logical enough for you accept it as reality and allow you to move forward the best that you can. But, this usually also results in you feeling sort of bland about yourself. Yes, it’s possible that you could convince yourself that it wasn’t anything you did, that it was all about the other person. Other times, and more likely, you find yourself wondering if it was a con job. Were you being played, just so that they could achieve whatever goal they had in their mind.

It is often the second scenario that causes the most heart ache and disappointment. I am willing to bet that in that scenario, both of you expressed your love for each other, planned to build life together, considered yourselves to be likeminded souls who were yearning for that person that would understand you and be ready to grow together. You’re left feeling abandoned and alone. It really doesn’t matter if you have others who are trying to pursue you after this failure. You don’t really want to have their affection and you aren’t wanting to return the energy they are putting out. What you really want is just have time to yourself to wallow, but you aren’t able to do that because you know that you can’t afford to shut down.

If you are someone who relates to this, I can only offer you this kind of advice: Allow your mind the freedom to roam and reflect on all that has happened. Allow your emotions to bubble up to the surface and display themselves. But do not sit and wallow in your pain for too long. Use your coping mechanisms to overcome this situation. If you love music, listen to songs that will allow you to shed the tears you wish to shed and also to begin to rebuild you and encourage you thru the process. Don’t feel obligated to share the details of your breakup with anybody. Don’t feel pressure to discuss that person at all. Take time to heal as much as you need before you decide to talk about any of this. Involving too many people will only make it worse for yourself. In time you will be able to express as much or as little of it as you wish to those around you.

Depending on how deeply involved you were with this person you will have a shorter or longer recovery period. Depending on how much of yourself you put into the relationship, you will have longer moments of grief and disbelief. Only time will be able to resolve the conflict that roars within you. The answers that you’re looking for will only come as time passes and hopefully you still let yourself be open to love so you can see why you had to go through that situation in order to prepare you for the next one or the one after that. Don’t allow this to completely destroy you or discourage you from wanting to date and have love again. Some day someone will come along who will truly appreciate you for you and will want you for you.

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Rising Phoneix

If you are familiar with the metaphorical Phoenix, then you understand that to be called a Phoenix is both a blessing and a curse. This post strips away the physical form of this beautiful creature and focuses on the characteristics and how they apply to the human self and how it is impacted. From my point of view the Phoenix being has great strength and passion. A love that burns bright and pure. They give of themselves unapologetically, and yet is often taken for granted and mistreated. They are underappreciated and not given their flowers until after they’ve moved on from those that have damaged them. They and others marvel at their ability to recover and rebuild from devastation and hurt. It can often times create a twisted addiction to the thrill and flame out, but eventually that strength becomes it’s weakness. That fire burns too bright and too long and they just can’t take anymore. Causing another beautiful soul to turn black and either wither away or retreat into a more introverted way of being.

I think that the general guiding premise for the Phoenix like personality, is that you are at the core a pure soul. You have intentions that are only good. You love with clear and vibrant passion. You have an energy and fire about you that is contagious and unmistakable. People often gravitate towards you, but also away from you because your fire is bright and almost always positive. That keeps away those who seek to have you toiling in their negativity. It is something that leaves you prone to being more alone at times because your strength of character doesn’t allow you to be manipulated easily into wrong doing. Or contributing to unsuccessful behavior. Your strength of purpose and resolve makes others envious at times and that also creates a void of friends. Usually that means when you truly make genuine friendships, they last a long time.

The weakness though of the type of individual is a part of their strength. The power of their flame can be used against them. The actions and doings of others impacts the Phoenix person greatly. So imagine that someone is able to get close to you and then abuses you. Takes advantage of the loving and kind and generous nature that you operate from. Once you have removed the rose hue that you look at them with, it is innate within you to now defend yourself from that. But, when it’s someone that you love and care for deeply, you struggle to use that flame to properly extinguish them. Instead you let your blue flame burn enough to shield you, while still being impacted by that negative red flame. It creates a pain that tolerate because you have the strength to withstand it. But the question is for how long and at what cost?

How long will you let that person affect you and how much are you willing to pay in order to let this happen. Are you willing to lose your career, health, internal peace, external happiness and all the possessions that you have worked for, all in the name of loving someone? All because you know that deep down, once you truly activate that Phoenix spirit and character within, you will rise again from the destruction, battered but intact. But the question is how intact are you? Are you losing pieces of yourself every time you have to rise again from the proverbial grave? And then it prompts me to think about the concept that’s presented in one of the mythical stories about the Phoenix bird. That after time, the animal grew tired of living eternally and always being able to reprise itself after flaming out and burning. So it eventually gave up that eternal rebirth and allow itself to be extinguished.

My take on the human characteristic of the Phoenix is that there comes a time when that Phoenix within has had enough. It can’t take the burning flames any longer. It doesn’t have the same energy to give and it eventually gives up. This of course, is if that person isn’t able to find what their inner Phoenix really wants. Someone to tame that flame. To love them and care for them as passionately as they do. Give their full effort and energy so the inner Phoenix doesn’t feel the need to be ignited and burning all the time. When this occurs, it is my belief that then that inner Phoenix can survive, recharge and be prepared should it need to be activated again for a prolonged period of time.

I don’t believe that everyone has an inner Phoenix or better yet, is a Phoenix. It is given to select people, but it’s not hard to detect. Primarily because that energy radiates off the person. It can always be felt. They have a constant warmth to their body because the energy from the fire burns strong. If you are one of these people, let that Phoenix protect you as much as it can, but also be open to letting someone ease that flame, just be careful who you select. If you are the person that gets to be with someone who has this Phoenix quality, understand they are special and will be unlike any person before or after them.

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Broken Vessel

I have tried numerous times over the years to impress upon people how important it is for there to be open communication and total truth within your relationship. Those are two of the most important elements that must be present, along with love, passion and togetherness, in order a relationship to have the success it deserves. When these elements are missing, it creates a tension that has to be alleviated by talking out the issue to resolve the situation and restore the full circle of the relationship. It defies my understanding why someone would choose not to be open and honest with their partner when there has always been established communications lines that have allowed for sharing of deep personal secrets and addressing of the issues.

Let me explain and let me help you understand why the “avoid confrontation” type is harmful to a healthy relationship. If you have built a solid foundation for your relationship, most likely you and your partner have established solid lines of communication. That means you guys can talk about the fun and entertaining things, as well as the more serious and complicated issues that may arise. If this is in place, it would be very unsettling if one of you decided to up and leave without warning, without explanation and void of conflict that is threating to your relationship. Enter, the “averse to conflict” type individual here. It has become my belief that the person who says they don’t like conflict within their relationship, is someone who isn’t mentally mature to handle the complex dynamics of a relationship. They are also a huge threat to the peace within that you create for yourself.

It has always been my belief that all relationships need a healthy dose of conflict resolution. The conflicts are the things that let you see the type of person you’re embarking on your journey with. It lets you know if you have a quitter, or someone who is more a support type or someone who is a lead Alpha and wants to make sure they can address anything head on to make things better. Either way, conflict resolution takes two to create the conflict and two to resolve such issue. It means that both parties are engaged and ready to work through the issues, and it also means that there is an honesty and openness discussing the situations. If you are the person who says you are “conflict averse” then you are the threat to this resolution being successful.

The person who wants to avoid conflict, is one who on the norm, will be open and honest about everything else within the relationship. They will be willing to tell you the things that are deeply personal about them. They will communicate their likes and dislikes. Sexually you guys can have a very satisfying sex life and have the intimacy you desire. They are flexible and willing to be compromise. But, be warned, when there is conflict that they can’t easily handle, or when their way isn’t the way accepted going forward, the end result will likely be a removal of themselves from the relationship, not a solution to the problem. This characterization is not meant to encompass all people who have this type of character, because we all know people are different. It is a generalized premise, but I can tell you it has more factual following than not. And people who are Type A lite personalities will fall into this category more often than not.

Unfortunately I recently had to go through this exact situation and the results left this vessel broken. It was the vile and nasty way in which the situation was handled. It to me was uncaring and unempathetic. It reeked of selfishness and self gratification. I would have never thought that someone would have such a callous game plan that they would build up all this good will and “love”, only to destroy all of it in the blink of an eye. This with no warning or explanation. No rationale given, no conversation had to gain understanding or resolution before simply bolting at the first opportunity presented. To be clear things were being portrayed as rosy and well. Communications had were preparing for the future, planning date nights and a impending move within the next couple months. All of it flushed in a matter of an hour.

When you are already questioning yourself because of things prior that you are still resolving internally, to have a lover briskly remove themselves, with no warning is jarring and damaging. Hell if all was right within you, something like this would leave you shaken. But when it something that was a year and half in the building and the open dialog happened without effort, it leaves you questioning what really was going on/ How long had the plan been to exit stage left. It makes you wonder if they were faithful to you the whole time, It puts the spotlight on you, rather than where it should be. On the person who did such a cowardly, fuck nigga thing. It creates so much hurt and anger. Not being able to establish any level of closure, because you don’t know why and you don’t know where they are in order to close the book. So you have to sit with lingering questions, a damaged heart and a broken vessel.

If you know that you’re someone who isn’t good at conflict resolution, try talking to your partner before you just walk out on them. Give it a chance to work. Maybe you will find that you are better at resolving conflict that you thought you were. Conflict is character building and relationship building. You grow stronger together when you face a challenge and overcome it as a unit, rather than trying to handle it all by yourself, or completely removing yourself all together as a means to avoid challenge or critique. None of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers, Therefore, we need to be challenged and opened up to other ways of thinking that are positive and helpful because they help us grow as people.

I never thought that I would go through this because I pride myself on being an open and honest listener and communicator. I always aim to make sure my partner is comfortable and feels comfortable talking to me about anything at any time. I know men have a hard time, sometimes, expressing those things that emotional or complex, but if you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you have to learn how to do so. Lean on your lover and let them help guide you until you find your own footing, That is part of the reason that you’re with someone. To share the journey of life together, to learn and grow from and with each other. Sadly that didn’t happen here. Instead it all now feels fake and contrived. The worst part is I don’t get the chance to ask why and have my questions answered. You left without a trace, only a sticky note with no explanation, just an I’m sorry. It feels like the final straw. The blow that breaks the bow. Who resurfaces from this, I don’t know, but definitely not the person I know inside.