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Emotional Rollercoaster

This writing won’t attempt to connect dots necessarily to prior writings. It will encompass a couple topics that I’ve written about previously but touch on them in a slightly different way. I think it’s because these three situations are very personal and emotionally difficult for me to get through. It’s something that I struggle to really handle and it’s also because I haven’t told my mom about any of these. I feel like as a son I’ve wanted to protect her from some of the major disappointments and pains of my life. When you’re an only child a mother is like your rock, best friend and all that. Put to it that you’re gay and it usually magnifies that dynamic ten fold. That means that when you hurt they hurt just as hard as you do. Sometimes a little harder depending on the circumstance. These three circumstances, while I’ve been able to work through, they still hurt and often times the emotions seep into my daily function of life.

I think the hardest thing for me to do is to tell my mom that twice she was set to become a grandmother but it wasn’t to be. The first time because my ex, without consultation with me, killed our first child. It was going to be a boy. My first born was going to be a mini me. But, because they were being selfish, I wasn’t able to see his beautiful face come into this world. He wasn’t given the opportunity to live and grow in this world. That moment has stuck with me more than a little bit. My son would be three years old, only a few months away from his fourth birthday. Getting ready to begin the journey of school and developing himself. I really believe that had my son been born, that would have been a life changing moment for me. Just having someone be pregnant, willingly at first, with my child was amazing. But, for things to have turned within a span of months because we couldn’t see eye to eye on a relationship was heart breaking.

I have thoughts and dreams about what my son would be doing right now. I think about how my momma would feel, knowing and seeing her little grandson developing. I wonder if he would look like me or his other parent? The truth is this still eats away at me because I ask myself if I could have done anything different. And while I know the answer is yes, the one thing that would have allowed my son to be born would have been the one thing that would have made me unhappy and wasted years of my life just to appease someone else. That, in my opinion, is wrong and it’s sad that people who know they can hold that kind of power would do so, just so that they can get what they want. Instead of allowing something so beautiful as a child to be born into this world. Your legacy forever entrenched on this planet.

If that loss wasn’t bad enough, I had the chance for me to have a child a second time. This time we were pregnant with twins. Not with the same person and this happened last year. While it was not planned immediately, it was definitely wanted. We had no idea that we would be blessed with two babies at once. It was a high risk pregnancy however and unfortunately, three months after, we lost the kids to a miscarriage. I can tell you that both of us were as heart broken and devastated as you can be. It is the most hurtful and painful experience to go through. Yet, this moment hasn’t been shared with my mom because this also occurred a little more than a month after the unexpected death of my grandma. If you can compound loss on top of loss, it’s among some of the worst pain you will feel.

When I found out that we were having twins, it made me have these feelings of another rebirth of sorts. I felt this incredible high because I thought maybe I was getting a make up for the loss of my first child with two kids this time. And when it wasn’t to be it crushed me so bad. I don’t know that I’ve really recovered from it, but, because I live on my own and away from fam I don’t have time to wallow in my sorrow because I have to continue to provide for myself. But there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about what could’ve been. Especially knowing that there was a tentative due date of my birthday this year. What a special gift that would’ve been. To welcome my twins on my birthday. The emotions in me are still somewhat blank, because I don’t know how to really overcome this grief that I feel. Because the grief turns to a tint of resentment towards others, who didn’t want kids and got them. How do you wrap your head around it, I have no idea.

Finally, I opened up on this subject a few months ago when we were at the peak of the protests in the Black Lives Matter, after the murder of George Floyd. It was my account of my life altering experience with the Atlanta Police Department. You know, having an intimate understanding of what a black man in this country goes through, I think that trying to explain to your momma that you have been subjected to some of the things she has seen on tv is a very challenging thing to do. Primarily because she lives in another state and if something was to happen she couldn’t get to me for hours. I never want to burden her with knowing that her son is another part of the statistic of black men who have been wrongfully profiled, held at multiple gun points by the men charged to protect and serve. All because someone made a generic profile of a black man committing crimes that I happen to fit. Even though I was still in my work uniform, at my own car, I was still the suspect and forced to prove I’m innocent, instead of being proven guilty on the spot.

I haven’t told her about this because I know that she would be more concerned than a mother normally is for her child. I don’t want to add any more stress to her, but in some ways I really want to just break down in my momma’s arms and tell her the things her son has been through and how emotionally scared I am. But I think one of the other reasons that I haven’t is because being forced to accept these truths with no filter has also grown me in a lot of ways. Made me realize that I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I really have to appreciate myself for my strength and resiliency more than I do.

Either way, there are so many more moments of things that have happened, but these three for me are the emotional rollercoasters that really give me pause and makes me pause to not want to tell her.

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Heart Chronciles

I am a firm believer that once people begin to consistently show you the signs of who they intend to be in your relationship, you have three options in my opinion. You can accept what you’re shown and adjust accordingly, you can attempt to make them bend towards the characteristics you prefer, or you can have a conversation if what you are seeing is different than the words you have heard and are hearing to get an understanding of why, to see if there is room for growth and flexibility or if the situation is going to not resolve itself and and because the person you actually are with isn’t who they talked about being. For me I have taken all three approaches in the past and with varying degrees of success.

I’m sure that there are many people out there who can relate to a situation/subject like this one. One where you have a person that is a good person and for the most part they fit with you on a relationship level, but you feel that something just doesn’t feel quite right. You get the feeling that while they’re a good fit, they aren’t the fit that you know it should be. You have questions as to whether you need more time for each of you to grow together and maybe for some of the personal challenges or both of you are going through to subside, or is it a case of a person hyping themselves up and they aren’t able to be who they told you they were and you need to decide if you want to stay in something that doesn’t make you fully happy and satisfied. It is complicated by the fact that earlier in the relationship you saw almost off the things that you were told you would see, so you know that it’s inside the person. The question is what changed that holds them back now?

It is my belief that when time starts to pass and you start to see someone change in a significant way, you have to allow them time to reverse that trend, if nothing occurred between the two of you, before you just bring the conversation to the table. That way when you do have the heart to heart that will be needed there won’t be room for just give time. I think that line is one that is a crutch used far too often and it’s one that is so subjective. Honestly when someone says that, how much time are they wanting you to give them? The truth is that time itself, the noun form is infinite. Time doesn’t end, but time the adjective form used to describe what we have on this Earth is small and wasting it isn’t fair. It can be a rather selfish ask if you know that you won’t have the situation or issues worked out in short order.

It is my belief that people often will find someone they know can be their security blanket or their crutch in some fashion if they’re trying to rebuild a portion or all of themselves. It too is a selfish move and one that can cause resentment on the other persons behalf. if they figure out that they’re being used as more of a rebound or a regroup instead of really trying to be immersed in a relationship wholly independent of the past, building towards a strong present and even stronger future. In too many circumstances a person will want to use the words they’ve said as their support that they want you or use past actions that aren’t relevant to current dynamics in order to show that they want something. Forgetting that action isn’t just past tense thing, it very much so is present and as actions change feelings change with it. It is this dynamic that most skip when discussing how a relationship breaks down that could provide the clarity and the evidence that shuts down a retort of see what I did in the past.

The outcomes of these types of relationships are wide spread and aren’t really predictable unless you see such a dramatic shift that you aren’t interested in what you see. One thing I don’t want and have never allowed myself to do is be in one of those relationships where you decide to split, and then days later or a week or two later, you reverse course for no real reason and keep going through the same shit over and over. I don’t think that’s fair to anybody. It traps you in something that is really making you more resentful to the person and you’re resenting yourself. Because in that scenario, there isn’t anybody getting what they really want. You want to see change and you want to have what you had but it isn’t coming and you’re settling because you fear starting over and not having someone. The worst reason ever to stay in a relationship with someone.

I favor the patient but decisive approach to things. Talk and be clear and direct about what you want and what the issues are at hand, give time for discussion to resonate and thoughts to be had and changes to be made, then make a decision after you feel that sufficient time has passed. Once you make it stand on it. People won’t take you seriously if you say you’re going to do something only to change your mind after you made a choice. It means that you can be easily influenced. If someone is really wanting you and they see you mean what you say, they will be willing to meet you half way on the situation. If you can’t accomplish this then I think you have to consider moving along in your life. Don’t let talk alone be the thing that holds you to someone.

There is nothing that makes a situation more confusing than someone being able to talk the best game in order to buy time, only to underperform and you’re right back where you started. It is a tactic used by many and it has worked for hundreds, if not thousands of years. It is because as people we want to hear things that make us feel good and reinforce what we think, but sometimes what we’re being told just isn’t accurate to the real happenings of the situation. In those cases you must move forward for your own sanity and future. I don’t think that anyone just talking about the future and growing old together should absolve them of having to show that’s what they really want. If you happen to be with someone like this be careful. What could be happening is trifold. One could be they really mean it and are working on themselves to make sure they can meet that rhetoric, two, they’re buying time because they know they can’t meet that talk but they don’t want to lose you, or three they’re just blowing smoke and if you are supporting them, you need to end that support.

This discussion has the potential to branch off into so many different directions and there is no one set blue print on how to present this situation, but one thing that should be present is you being as direct as you can. There isn’t time for you to sit by and just wait for time to wain away in your life. There can only be so much time that you can allow yourself to not receive the fullness of what you want.

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The System is Broken

I have really sat back and thought about this and it is my conclusion. I think that what really needs to happen to the system is it needs to be torn down and rebuilt. For hundreds of years now it has been skewed towards the White people in this country and I really don’t see anything coming that will reset the balance to be equal. I know some may think that the incremental changes made are steps in the right direction, and on the one hand they are. However, I also feel that it’s not enough because it can’t really help to do what’s needed. That is to reconstruct the mind and souls of the Black community. My community is torn and struggling because the fabric and foundation of who were are was ripped from us by the White community and we haven’t recovered since.

Here is my honest truth about all of this. First of all, being Black in this country is a dominant trait. When genealogy has been done, it has been determined that the African American race is the dominant trait, and because White Americans weren’t able to simulate to that, they had to become the oppressive race because they are the recessive trait. If you aren’t sure what word recessive means, it means that it is not the predominant trait. It means that when White people and Black people create a baby together, that child is melaninated. It means that contrary to what some would have us believe, the White race is not superior to Black people. Truth is that Black people have the dominant gene and in most cases the superior race. We have created so many of the inventions attributed to White people, but the victors get to write history.

The facts are when people want entertainment, they turn to the Black community for athletes and musicians to be their relaxation and enjoyment. When they need things repaired correctly, they turn to Black people. When they need their children raised and their food cooked, they turn to Black people. When they want their hair done stylishly and healthy they come to Black people. It seems to be that the system is willing to admit that Black people are talented and in most cases, superior to their White counterparts, but we’re not talented enough to be widespread business leaders, to be owners of professional franchises, to be heads of state and leaders of government. Similarly the legal system doesn’t take even handed to us either.

I wonder why it is that the same crimes can be committed by a Black man and a White man, yet the Black man is infinitely times more likely to get a severe punishment, while the White man might not even get any jail time at all. I wonder why it is that money can buy you anything in the legal system. That definitely disproportionately affects Black people because we weren’t given the same opportunities to acquire wealth, nor have generational wealth to pass down from one generation to the next. You wonder why it is that when we were brought here as slaves we were oppressed and kept uneducated so we could not realize that we were being robbed of our culture and wealth. That’s the reason that the young were typically separated and kept without education, because it was known that if you educate the young it passes down and then we aren’t able to kept ignorant and in the dark.

Fast forward to all the marches, protests, sit-ins, boycotts and fights for us to get a measure of equality in this country. They were all for the right to have the same seat at the table as the White man who controlled the levers of power in this nation. From King to Malcolm to Lewis to Young to Obama and all those before, during and after that helped to organize those marches and protests to conquer the systemic inequalities of hundreds of years of captivity. The reality is that no matter how much we march and protest, we will not achieve the goal. There will never be nationwide reparations for Black people to fairly restore the financial balance of power. There will never be a true reset of principles taught to underscore the importance of family, togetherness, wealth, education and equality.

What Slavery did was permanently separate the races. It defined Black people as inherently inferior to Whites. It also created a permanent stigma that we must fight against each other for who should be given opportunity, instead of fighting alongside each other to attain power together. What White people correctly gaged that if you split people up and throw nominal amounts of money at them that they will lose sight of the power of togetherness they possess. That has been prevalent for us as a people for hundreds of years. Whenever Black America comes together and uses its power to effect change, change happens. Whenever Black American decides that we want to show what our collective might can do, we do it. It’s just that far too often, White people do enough to make us stay in the lanes they made for us.

Here is my solution.. blow this damn system up. Take away all that we know and write a system that is truly equal. A system that doesn’t have systemic racism and prejudice built into its founding. A Constitution that really treats all people as equals. Laws that are equally enforced on both sides and a justice system that doles out punishment, but also has mercy built in as it’s supposed to do. Build the levers of finance so that Black people have opportunity to be business owners and have the capital necessary to sustain business and obtain loans as needed. A system that allows for us to really have our history taught in schools and throughout civilization. Then and only then will this system be fair and equal. Then and only then will we have a system that appreciates the prowess, power, intellect, and collective strength of the Black community.

As long as we are bound to a system of inherit inequality, we will always be subjected to racist and prejudicial situations. Radical thought I know, but truth to power it is. Blow this damn system up and start again. Maybe then, we will be able to say that the system isn’t rigged. That law enforcement isn’t practicing discriminatory practices against my people. Tell me what you think.

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Have It Your Way

Are you someone who feels that you have to have things go your way majority of time, or almost always? If you are that person, can I ask you why you feel that the world must revolve around you and what you want? And yes to some degree I understand that it’s a little self deprecating because, most of like things to go our way, or rather we don’t want to do things if it doesn’t have some tangible benefit for us. But I also think that more often than not, people are willing to cede that their way won’t be the predominant way when dealing with people and the battle of wills I suppose you call it.

Truth is, I guess it’s possible to have always have things go your way if your will is strong enough that you make someone bend to your desires. But I don’t think that it’s healthy, nor do I think it’s fair. I believe that there should be give and take in things, especially when dealing with love and relationships and real friends. You have to be willing to not have control of everything all the time. I think that is a bit selfish and self serving. It can lead to a lot of loneliness and isolation. The fact is that people usually don’t to feel like they have no control over things beyond just themselves. We all like to think that we have a say so in things that go on with our friends, family, and lovers to some extent. Whether you do or not, I think is very important for your standing within these relationships.

I have always struggled with dealing with individuals who think that the world should revolve around them at all times. Typically this is because I’m the guy who believes that no one person is that important that all things should exist when they say or how they feel they should. We all have the right to control ourselves and what we do without someone feeling like they’re being slighted. It’s an important part of self love to understand that you are always in control of what you want to do with yourself and life. Things will happen beyond your control, but the people you place in your life and the choices you make about how you interact with them will remain something that you can dictate.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who feels that you don’t enough for them or you don’t make everything about them, you need to ask yourself is this what you really want. If you love them because they make you feel a certain kind of way, but their insistence on being the center is part of the deal, consider if that love is really worth keeping. Why? Because in this situation you will always be second, not equal always less than. It has to be that way in order for them to always get their way. If you’re a person that is satisfied with that then you’re in the right kind of relationship for yourself, but if you know that you like being put first sometimes, consider if you are with someone who is a match for you. I think you have to really drill down on this too. If you’re relationship is one sided to where one person is controlling the activities you do and if or when you have sex, then y’all need to talk. Make sure there is balance to where control feels more even and no so one sidede.

You have to remember that when you give that person the controlling hand to dictate terms all the time, you are essentially setting the terms for your relationship. Even relationships have negotiations and posturing for what will and will not be accepted. The way to discuss them has to be direct but not too harsh. If you’re okay with telling your to have it your way, then keep it as it is, but if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable or feeling as if things are only going as one partner sees it then you have to really re-evaluate how things are going. There needs to be a harmony between you two. Have it your way is a recipe for failure, if there isn’t clear communication involved. If you’re the person who is having it all their way, if your pressed about why it needs to be that way, be open to discussing and not just shutting down.

One thing that seems to be obvious to me is that many times when someone who is use to getting things their way is pushed to make changes, it causes friction. Because they don’t know how to accept change or don’t want to accept change because it doesn’t benefit them. Those of you who fit this description, tell me why do you buck so hard when confronted with this reality?

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Heart Chronicles

As the journey throughout life continues one thing that you will eventually reckon with is your decisions and how they affect you in the present life that you live. I don’t think it’s something that’s meant to be a negative but it’s something that will make you look deeper at yourself, before you look at the person you’re with, if you’re in a relationship. If you’re single, then it will make you evaluate your choices before or while you’re considering your next love. This thought process and evaluation is one that has no timetable and in fact, can take quite a while to sift through. It pulls together the emotional highs and lows that you feel or felt. It presents goals achieved and failed. It reminds you of the things you said you wanted and still have left to accomplish.

What it does, if you’re honest with yourself, is it makes you be patient with the process of growing yourself and having patience for the partner you share your life with as well. Now to be honest, patience is not something that I’ve ever been really good with on the whole. In relationships I tend to have a quick trigger to remove something that I think will not work, and at times I have overcompensated and been too patient in situations where I knew the right thing to do was to leave, but I didn’t want to appear to be a quitter so soon. It’s a challenge that I’m sure many people struggle with, not just myself. It’s something that I feel is a result of not giving enough time for healing and self reflection from past relationships before engaging in the next one.

What happens is that your mind starts to really dig deep into where you have been, what you have been through and what you really want from what you’re doing now and where you ultimately hope to go in the future. It makes you have reason to attempt to try things differently if you really want success, because if you know prior relationships failed attempting things a certain kind of way, it would benefit you to try to do things a little different. What you learn about yourself will be helpful, either to the person you’re with currently or the next person that you allow to enter your world if comes to that. It is the need to say that you are flexible and not sedentary. To me, the person who is open to change and willing to accept that they don’t have all the answers is a person that can navigate the uncertainty of the mind.

You know I was watching something that said you have to have patience in a relationship sometimes. While that wasn’t news or anything new or earth shattering, the comment after is what gave me pause and has really had me in more a reflective and learning state as of late. The comment was, sometimes if you can get over the discomfort and struggles in the relationship, that person will give the best time of your life. That is what stuck with me more than anything. It’s the concept that sometimes you really just have to have the patience to allow for all the edges to be smoothed out so that the two of you can have the harmony and desires that you want from each other.

Something that I think is often forgotten is when you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you really don’t know what’s going on in their world, if you aren’t connected to them prior to you dating. The thing is most times, the person you’re choosing to be with is someone that hasn’t been in your orbit prior to the beginning of the dating/relationship process. So just like you’re dealing with past things and working on being a better you in the present and the future, that person could be doing something similar. They most likely are in a different stage in the process than you and that’s something that the two of you have to manage as well. Maybe one could help the other progress or the two of you work together if you’re closer to each other in your rebirth process.

It honestly feel uncomfortable to not really know how you feel or think from day to day. What I mean by that is, when you have a solid grasp on things, there is a consistent thought process usually. You wake up wanting to further yourself in the goals that you’re working towards. But, when you’re in the middle of changing and growing your mindset isn’t stable. It’s more scattered and it’s definitely not confident in some of what it feels or thinks. This is when that patience needs to be practiced more than ever. Because when you’re in this state you question things really easily, and you’re more prone to make snap decisions to want to change things because you see it fitting in with what you feel in the moment. That moment can last for a day or two or three and you have to have the discipline to understand that you’re changing and something that’s stable needs to remain present.

It’s hard because even as I’ve been writing this my mind has wondered from being confident in the thoughts I have regarding relationships. There is disconnects sometimes between the physical self and the emotional self. I yearn for sex with my partner, but I also try to be patient and understand maybe he’s at a different stage in his process and he isn’t feeling the sexual tension because he isn’t satisfied with parts of his life and sex is an afterthought because of it. I challenge myself to stick with it and go through the wave of inconsistency hoping that things square up and improve. Desiring for things to become closer to how it was in the beginning. When the affection was obvious and the intimacy was consistent. Hoping that with a return of those things, the physical, sexual activity will increase and the balance will be set.

I have always said that when you take away any one of the critical areas in a relationship you hurt the balance and create tension. It creates a feelings of uneasiness because things or something is missing. When you aren’t able to have a full and complete relationship, it leads to feelings of neglect and unwantedness. This is something that needs to be treaded upon lightly in my view. It’s also something that at some point needs to be discussed. When you’re going through your own person changes and reviews, you want to feel that your relationship will provide a stability that you can rely on, but the fact that you have two people who are making adjustments can make that not be a reality.

Undoubtedly, I’m sure that this is something that has occurred to others. Surely, these are things that people work through daily. It’s something that can be an easy quick fix, or something that can take time to overcome. There are so many things that can become attached to this. Self esteem issues can become part of the dynamic and lack of appreciation thoughts become more prevalent. How you work through these challenges will really determine whether or not the relationship lasts and sustains itself. The decisions that you make yourself and the ones you make together will really determine how you come through this uncertain time.

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Keep Your Hands to Yourself

I was watching a show earlier today and the argument that was had was over a man putting his hands on a woman in a fight/altercation. The friend of the females confronted the male after the situation was over to question why they would put their hands on the woman. The man said it was an error in judgement but the heat of the moment in the situation caused him to react and not really think about the fact that it was a woman challenger. Now, I’ve had this discussion a number of times with people and I’m sure I’ve previously written about this before, but my stance on this is probably controversial and some may not like it, but my thing is this.. If you don’t to get punched in the mouth, don’t put your hands on anybody. Period!!

This rule has no exceptions. I do not give a pass to a woman for hitting a man first at all! I think that has got to be one of the most stupidest excuses for violence that I’ve heard. If a woman hits a man, then a man shouldn’t hit back because in theory they are genetically stronger. I say bull shit to to that. I was taught and raised to not let ANYONE put their hands on me. There was not an exception made for a girl or boy, man or woman. So as I got older and was able to freely form my own opinion on this topic, I have stuck strictly to this rule when handling and discussing this subject with people. There shouldn’t be any excuse given as to why a woman can hit a man in anger but the man must simply take it and either hold the woman or take her punches or slaps because they are “superior.”

I want someone to help me understand why in the legal world and in the society at large, we felt the need to have this unwritten rule be the norm. I really can’t understand why this exists. In the gay community if a trans woman get into a physical altercation with a cis man or conforming man, it’s taboo for the man to hit the trans woman. Why the hell is that? I think it’s a complete farce, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I don’t view the transgender person a woman, it’s because it goes against my principle of keep your hands to yourself. For me it is very simple, if you feel that you are agitated enough to want to hit someone be prepared for the consequences regardless of what gender you recognize yourself to be. Also, lets make this a bigger point. Women are always says that they want to be considered equals to men. That they just as strong and aggressive as men, well if that’s the case, definitely all is fair in a fight.

See I’m not one of these folks who says lets separate when to consider women equal and when to say a man is superior simply because it makes for an easier situation. I want things to be as complex as they should be and as simple as they really are. And to me what is really simple about this topic and to squash any complications, make it very easy.. assault is assault. If your a woman and you hit a woman…assault. If you’re a woman and you hit a man… assault. If you’re a man and you hit a man… assault. See that way there is no favorite or predetermined situation that makes the man always guilty no matter what. If we operated with this premise then all these unnecessary conversations after the fact about why a dude hit a woman is unnecessary.

Stop playing like this is really hard. I know many were raised not to put their hands on people, but there was a major emphasis on the man not ever hitting a woman. This was mostly said because one, the man is supposed to be the protector and two, primarily because the man is stronger than the woman so it’s an unfair fight. While that may be true in a majority of cases, that isn’t always the case and should never be the rule to begin with. So as I keep saying, to make this a easy and simple conversation let the rules be the rules for all. If you don’t want no smoke keep your damn hands to yourself. Otherwise, fair game when throwing hands.

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A Self Reflection

One of the things that has happened as a result of the Covid pandemic is people have had lots of time to be home. A lot times alone, to think about themselves, their lives and where they are in life. Many people have talked about feelings of depression and sadness because they haven’t been able to be as socially active, not able to interact physically with friends and family. It has forced, in my opinion, people to think about things they’re happy with, but more deeply, things that they’re unhappy about. Things that may have hurt and people that have been lost. It has forced people also to look at themselves and see if they are truly happy with where their life is or are they feeling a sense of dissatisfaction.

I find myself, of late, in this position. I have been thinking a little more often about where I am in this stage of my life. I don’t see the level of personal or professional satisfaction that I expected to have at this point. Most of it is self inflicted wounds. I haven’t always allowed myself to stay focused on my goals, be it professionally or personally and it has started to really bother me. I think what also makes it more difficult is I really don’t know just yet which way to turn in order to make the changes that I really want to make. I feel a sense of being stuck and just spinning my wheels in the same type of pattern. But, there are also times where I see progress being made. I see things getting better, I see certain facets improving and I’m happy in a couple regards, but I see too much inconsistency and it bothers me still.

I’m not really sure why it is that I feel so incomplete at this point honestly. There really are good things happening but something inside tells me that it’s not enough. Some things are also telling me that it feels like I’m out of place now. I think this may be what some have talked about when they say they’ve felt despondent and listless. Like they just don’t want to anything and not feeling inspired. Then they get help to reorganize and stabilize themselves. Maybe for me I’m at that point of needing that type of assistance. The truth is though, I don’t really have anyone that I trust to really get into the depths of things like I need to and talking to a professional ain’t cheap.

For me sometimes, I just really feel like I’ve failed myself and let myself down so much. I figured that by this time in life I would be much further along in my professional career. And if I’m being honest, I would’ve been had personal issues not impeded that progress and blown up all the great work I had accomplished. At least three times that I can count where this has happened. Personally, I thought I would have been married by now and had a family started. Real shit, I was close to both things happening on a couple of occasions. I’ve been seriously engaged three times and each one failed to produce a marriage. I’ve been on the verge of having kids twice, once lost to abortion, against my will and without my knowledge. Second time, due to a miscarriage.

It just feels like for me each time I get close to things and take three steps forward, something happens and there are five steps back. It gets to a point honestly, where you feel exhausted and worn out. You think and question whether or not it’s meant for you to have it. Even though you start working on those goals again, you just wonder if you’re in the right place at the right time/ And you realize that it’s a matter of time and opportunity for those things to show themselves and that is one of the most difficult parts to it all. All I really want is a sign of some sort. Something to confirm or deny what I’m doing. I know that I never plan to stop trying to attain those goals. Time will tell if it’s going to happen.

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Heart Chronicles

I’m sure if you read down the list there are quite a few blogs written about this topic, but I’m going to write about it again because I think it is one of the most underrated and least understood concepts in relationships. Just talking about the type of person you are, just telling someone about the types of things of you like doesn’t mean that you actually do them. Nor does it mean that it’s the end of the situation and because you said it, then it’s true so there needs to be no actions to demonstrate what you said. I think people get confused because when they are approached in conversation about the things talked about not happening, too many times the response is why am I proving myself or my love to you?

The truth is we all have to prove ourselves. Yes, you do have to show that what you is real. It has always been like that in all walks of life and in all things that we do. What it does is it shows that you are not just about talking about something, it means that you do what you say. It means that it truly is your character to act that way, not just talk. It means that you are dependable to hold true to what you say you’re going to do. More than proving your love, what you’re doing is proving yourself. We always know what the old saying is.. Actions speak louder than words. It is true all the times because anybody can say anything. You can tell me that you are the best athlete in the world, but if you can’t demonstrate that in a sporting event, then it’s just simply words with no proof.

Love is a lot like that. You can say that you’re a lover, an affection person, but if you don’t show that action then what does that really say? It means that you’re just talking, you’re not really that person because you can’t show the action that verifies what you say. If you say that you are highly sexual but there is no sex life, it’s scarce at best, then what does that mean in regards to your person? It means to me, that you’re not really that person. It means that you talk about something but you have no intention on showing this to be true. Actions and words have always gone hand in hand in life and they always will. If you’re the person who tries to push back against complaints of not being genuine to your words by saying, “Why I gotta prove myself to you?” What you’re doing is telling someone that you’re a lie and you just want to ear hustle. You know, use your mouth to get what you want, but not actually do what you say.

This type of person is one that makes being in a relationship complicated. Because on the one hand, we all love to hear the things that make us feel good or the things that we relate to, or that syncs up with us. So when that person tells you these things it makes you feel good, and while you’re still in the learning phases, you are inclined to believe them and give them the chance to show that they are that person. Yet, what happens when those opportunities present themselves and the actions don’t follow is you learn they can’t be trusted, because they aren’t being real and legitimate about who they really are. Again, actions show who you really are as a person, not just the words you speak. You must be able to show that you do what you say.

What will happen over time, is you will wear out your welcome. Meaning, people will sour on you because you say one thing and do another. You don’t follow through and that makes you unreliable. I can’t explain to people how much a lack of action leads to relationships ending more times than not. Sex is the leading thing that this shows up. A person talks on the phone or through text messages about being very sexual, then when the in person action comes, there is nothing that happens that verifies that. Talking about it honestly won’t solve the issue unless it gets backed up with action. This is true also when it comes to just affection and intimacy. It’s very to say that you like affection, but when you’re together, do you actually show it? If not, it usually leads to issues because nobody wants to be in a relationship where shit is boring and mundane. Where all you do is just have simple convos, or convos about days past, yet no actions that build memories and moments in the present.

If you read this and you can relate, I wonder which end are you relating from. Are you the person who has no problem delivering the actions and your partner struggles? Or, are you the person who loves to mouth hustle? You can talk a damn good game but can’t back it up with your actions? How fair do you think it is if you want real love, that you can’t show the love you talk about?

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Heart Chronicles

Something that I urge everyone to do is to think about what the word vulnerable means to you. In more detailed words, how does you being vulnerable affect you and your decision to get into a relationship? How likely are you to take your guard down to let someone in? Because it is my belief that once you have amassed some baggage from being hurt and disappointed in relationships, you tend to restrict the level of vulnerability to show in order to protect yourself. And believe me I truly understand why you would want to do that, but the question I have is are you willing to alter yourself so much to the point that you might miss the one for you, because you don’t want to be vulnerable enough to let them in to see the true, full you?

This is a discussion that I know has many different view points and there may not be a majority opinion to be had because it’s so subjective, but I truly believe that you have to make a decision at some point after you’ve been hurt, to allow your heart to be open to being loved by someone. If you are truly a hopeless romantic then this really isn’t a problem for you. As you naturally are predisposed to allowing yourself to be open to love. It’s your nature so you will want to let someone in to see if they’re going to make you feel how you want to feel. If you’re the shy type, it will most definitely be difficult for you to open back up to love. But that is the test of your heart and your mentality.

As someone who has a significant amount of baggage in his life, I truly think that this situation is multifaceted and it can ebb and flow with the emotions that you feel and the affection that you’re receiving from people or that special someone. I feel like there is always a push pull when it comes to being vulnerable. You feel the need to let your guard down to some extent in order to go through the process of finding the one you want or letting them find you. But on the other hand, you may also feel the need to hold back and reserve some until you truly feel as though that person is going to hold you down the same way that you’re holding them down. That can sometimes be problematic as well. Consider this point.. what if both of you have some baggage and are needing to feel the stability from each other to really release that hesitation? Who takes that lead to say I’m going to pull you and you can pull me too?

I think more times than not that happens in relationships between people with a past. One of the parties recognizes that there is a need for one to pull the rope for the other to follow. And it is in that moment you find out who is true to their words. You also find out who is willing to be the alpha. the lead person in the relationship and who will be more of the submissive person. Yes, I know that may be a little controversial but I do believe that once someone steps up to take the lead role that person will hold it for a prolonged period of time, until it is necessary for the other partner to lead on something they feel comfortable carrying their partner through. The ability to show that vulnerability of leadership and support, while the other submits and follows along is critical to a relationship. Truthfully both people don’t lead at the same time, it doesn’t work, neither can both parties be submissive it doesn’t work either.

When you are truly vulnerable, you allow all of your true traits to show. And if you are compatible with your partner they will respond accordingly because they are open enough to trust what you put forth. Honestly, that is how it should and needs to work. Anything else and you’re being disingenuous and that will always lead to failure. So take the time to make sure that you are ready to be vulnerable and then you will allow yourself to be open to be found, or to find your love.

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Quality Time Versus Quantity Time

If you know anything about me then you know that I always tell people to be careful of how they describe time spent together. I believe that there is a big misconception that simply because you are around someone that it means you’re spending quality time with them, or just because you live together it means all your time is quality and that just isn’t true. In fact I believe that more people misjudge and often times neglect to have meaningful time together with their partners when they live together. Typically because one or both parties think that living together automatically means quality time together.

So here’s the thing about that. There is nothing quality about laying in bed together while one person or the both of you are just scrolling and typing away on the phone, not really interacting with each other. There is nothing quality about one person trying to be intimate or just have real quality time while the other does just sit on their phone and dismiss the offering of time from their partner. That is neglect in the purest form and something that can lead to trouble in your relationship. Just because you have a high quantity of time together, you have to make sure you get quality out of some of that time. That will and is always the key to healthy relationships, making sure you get quality time out of every day possible.

I think that when we’re younger we have a greater tendency to mix up the two because we maybe haven’t had the experience to better inform us of which one we really are performing, and we haven’t been shown or told how to really have quality time until we have had that relationship that puts a focus on it, causing us to pay more attention to just how we are spending time with the one we love. It’s a loophole that doesn’t get covered as much by parents or people who are influences to us. If it is discussed it isn’t given the requisite time it deserves in order to be properly understood. So here’s the deal.. Being on your phone all damn day and laying under your partner doesn’t equal quality time. Not focusing on each other for a period of the day without your phones is not quality time it’s just time, quantity time.

Now if you two are making a Youtube channel video while you’re online, that’s one thing, but the overwhelming majority aren’t so it wouldn’t apply. I really get tired of people trying to make the argument that all they need is to be next to the person they love and that’s quality time for them. Have you looked up the definition of the word quality. Laying there with no interaction or limited interaction isn’t a definition in the world quality. So how about if while you’re laying there y’all put the phones down and watch a couple movies or have dinner together or play video games together or get real intimate, where you fuck or not, that time is valuable. Or have a deep conversation to learn things deeper about you two and your desires together.

Do any of those activities for a bit, or sing and dance together, whatever it is there is where you have created quality time. That will make the both of you feel a lot better than just your face planted in the phone not or barely acknowledging the others presence. It is great important and value in making great use of the time you get to spend together. It is my belief that things operate on cycles. There will come time where the two of you won’t have that time to spend lots of it together. Work, children, family will intercede and require you guys to have less time together, making quality time less available and even more important. If you lack having it then, when times have gotten tighter, it could be the relationship killer.

I challenge you all to take time and think about what kind of time to you spend with your partners? Is it more quality than quantity or is it more quantity than quality?