real talk

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Heart Chronicles

There is one fundamental lesson that must come from allowing yourself to love again, if you’ve been heartbroken. You must learn to love yourself and more importantly, all in love with yourself before you fall in love with someone else again. I know some may think this is a no-brainer or trivial, but you would be amazed how many people skip this step or don’t fully complete this step before getting back out there. Let me tell you, if you find real love before you’ve finished doing the work on yourself, you will find yourself torn between accepting the new, while removing and disowning the past. It is one of the most important things that you can do for yourself. To allow yourself to be in love with yourself again. It brings a special power with it that can’t be understated.

Falling in love with yourself again means that you have forgiven yourself for the past pain and hurt that you went through. It means that you have allowed yourself to remember just how special and deserving you are of that true and beautiful love. It also allows for the special someone to get in close to your heart. It embraces the magical moments being made, it gets caught up in the moment and doesn’t care about what happened before. It aides in removing those past memories that are taking up space in your mind, so you can make room for the amazing memories that you are currently making. What it really does is allow your soul to be replenished and your heart to feel light. Can you imagine if you are in love with someone else and not fully in love with yourself? Are you this person?

How can you be giving all of you to the next one and not appreciating the love within yourself for yourself? Honestly, this is me to a degree. The more that I find myself loving this man I’m with, the more I’m realizing my own love for myself. The more he loves on me and professes his love for me, the more I quietly profess my love for myself. The more we lay together, body to body, pulling the harmonious, loving energy from each other, the more my heart gets lighter, feels purer, embraces his unconditional love that he is providing. Sometimes, it can take for you giving all of the love you have left to someone else, and them return that love ten fold to you, for you to realize just how much you have love for the person that you are. And once you realize that, honestly it opens you up to continue to love harder and deeper. It allows you to breathe again. Enjoy the little things once more, like before.

The heart is a vessel that needs constant attention. It needs to be massaged, talked to, loved, nurtured and developed. When it gets hurt or broken, it needs to be reassured, rebuilt, comforted and protected. If all these things are done, then you have a chance at finding true love again, otherwise, you continue to falter and have false starts. Sometimes you neglect to complete all these steps before you start looking for love. Usually, that’s when that someone helps you or pushes you to want to finish the work. Because you start to feel something on the inside that you want to let blossom into the beauty that it holds. It means taking control of the fear and uncertainty and reassuring yourself that this love won’t repeat the past failed love.

Take your time, take small steps, don’t try to over do it and allow the process to follow you. When you are genuine and intentional about healing and loving, it can be accomplished at the same time. Just understand that once the veins to the heart have been opened and blood is freely flowing, you are vulnerable and no longer in control. Make sure that the man or woman that you are giving this power to and embarking on this journey with, is worth the effort. If you’re assured of that, then gear up and enjoy the journey. It just may be the last one you need to take and the one that leaves you eternally satisfied.

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Unquestioned Trust

I was watching a documentary on Netflix yesterday and something that was said by one of the folks really stuck in my brain and caused me to really ponder this question.. Why do so many people blindly trust law enforcement? The court system blindly trusts that all cops are good and are going to honorably represent the shield that they wear. They assume that all cops will protect and serve as their creed states, when in reality, they are human and some have other motives, and some very vicious. You have some who are secret Klansmen and others who are private racists or prejudicial. You have people who have a superiority complex and feel that others are beneath them. These traits are not conducive to good policing. Yet, they are tasked with running investigations when crimes are committed, assuming they will be fair and unbaised.

Why also, are we so trusting of judges as well? They too are human beings, capable of being brought or having predetermined notions that are not upholding to the judicial code of ethics or the oaths they take to blindly execute the laws of the land. We place unchecked trust in these individuals, and when things happen that are overt against the intentions of the laws and justice, we don’t seem to have an efficient and effective system in place to correct the errors and mistakes made. Primarily, because that human element kicks in and those same judges and cops don’t want to admit they were wrong. That they erred in judgment. Which leaves innocent people trapped in the system locked away. It can lead to innocent men and women being convicted of crimes.

This post is calling out the 10 percent. Not the ninety percent. Yes, it is my belief that 10 percent of judges and cops are crooked, in one way or the other. They don’t have the best intentions of their residents in mind, they have their own agendas in mind. They have ax’s they want to grind and they do so, under the guise of justice, under the premise of the law. It is difficult enough to just be a person and not have trouble find you. But imagine being someone that the law officials deem beneath them. Imagine being a race or class of people that they don’t respect. What do you do then? One wrong step, one coincidence that goes against you and you could be giving up the rest of your freedom or your life.

Why don’t we have a system in place to review judicial actions? That will review police activity to ensure that the communities that these people serve are being evenly and justly represented? Would it require time and effort? Yes it would, But isn’t that the point. Things that you care about and mean something to you, you’re willing to devote the time and effort needed for it to be right. Reform is complicated but it is also kind of simple. You can appoint or elect people to provide a check and balance on authority. Elections need to be every two years, to make sure that no one gets too comfortable. Qualifications need to be simple and easy to attain, as to not leave anyone out. Common sense things that will make people feel safer and more valued in their communities. Would bring a sense of trust and nobility to the process of enforcing justice.

Again, I really want people to think about this and just have some conversations within your circle or even on this comment section. Why do you blindly trust police? Why do you blindly trust the courts?

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The Heart Chronicles

I’ve decided to start this regular post because I want to speak to the truth of the matters of the heart, relationships and it all relates to the real shit of life. It can be, and usually is impossible to understand why the heart falls for certain people sometimes. It can be attributed to people being skilled wordsmiths and allowing their tongues to massage the heart, which subsequently appeases the brain for a period of time, before all the other rationales take over. It really is amazing that the heart can be such a pure beacon of goodness. It only wants to feel loved and warmth and acceptance. It wants to feel peace and happiness, and far too often people take advantage of that for their own purposes.

Additionally, people are sometimes unprepared for truly being in something that involves fully giving themselves. They use their hearts to secure the person they want, but their minds and emotions are prepared to fully engage, which usually leads to disappointment. I can’t honestly tell you what the solution to this is. Because in truth, there is no solution. You can protect yourself by having lots of guards or layers that need to be broken down before you let someone get close, but that really causes more issues than solutions. It forces someone to have to deal with red tape that could end the courtship before it even begins. It can also cause misinterpretations to be formed, because instead of getting the real person, you get numerous fake representatives.

Truth is also when you lead with the heart, you’re always going to subject yourself to heartache and trauma. When you want love and desire to have real and true love, there are always going to be people who will try and prey upon that. Yet, there will also be others who believe in that same concept, but you meet them at the wrong time and things just don’t gel well. But if that person is really meant to be yours, you will find each other. True love always wins out. Remember that the heart is a very delicate muscle. It can be very resilient, while at the same time it can also be damaged beyond repair. Be careful and choose wisely who you let get that close. Because they always take a little piece of you with them, whether it ends on good or bad terms.

If you get lucky enough to find that one early on, well then you know just how special it can make you feel. If it happens to take some time, well then you know how it feels to feel the euphoria of love and pain and hurt of failure. Speak truth to love and speak honesty to the soul. The heart will always find peace there within.

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A letter to the heart

Sometimes in life you have to take a moment to be honest and real with yourself. You have to take some time to speak to your heart from your heart. I that sounds crazy or you ask how the hell can you both from your heart and to your heart. Well, I think that speaking from the heart means your speaking genuinely and without hesitation. That you’re being as honest and open as you can with yourself. Speaking to your heart means that you’re really talking to yourself. Giving yourself the honest opinion and advice as you see it from your eyes, think it from your mind, and feel it from your body. In a way it’s a sort of validation or contradiction of things felt by yourself. You give clarity, as best you can, to things that you feel.

It is imperative, in my view, that you have this kind of honest discussion with yourself on a regular basis. It is needed if you to have a full and grounded approach to life. It’s necessary for you to be able to be considerate of yourself and others. It’s a way for you to have the necessary control of yourself and emotions/feelings that’s required. Honestly, for me this is usually one of the toughest assignments that I give to myself. Sometimes, because I have so many different feelings and thoughts that I’m not sure which to really give energy and voice to and which to just ignore and let go because they really need to be let go. It is also because I have often times struggled with handing the deep emotional parts of life that are brought forward.

I also struggle with this when it comes to dealing with people because I have no real ability to know the thoughts and feelings of someone else, other than what they tell me. When trying to have appropriate rationale of someone else if you don’t really have their full, honest and open disposition you will always be wrong. You must be comfortable with making decisions that are hard even when you aren’t sure. You have to trust and rely on the knowledge built up and the feel you have amassed for people and situations to get you through this time. You can never really allow yourself to let your heart have full control a matter unless you are ready for anything that may come of it. Being vulnerable enough to let your heart be exposed is something that can lead to tremendous heartache, but it also lead to amazing reward.

The heart is something that you can never take for granted. You don’t get another one once it’s been broken beyond repair. You are always changed every time you give yourself to someone and they break your heart. You are always different with each emotional let down and disappointment. I think the fair thing to do is assess how you feel on a weekly and monthly basis. Allow yourself room to adjust as things affect you in different ways. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you need to move past some things in order to make room for other things. Make sure you have a full understanding of the dynamics surrounding you. It is very important that you have a real life understanding of what’s going on and not simply going off the discomfort you may be feeling. Take time to breathe and allow the peace and quiet to help analyze things for yourself. Make sure you’re being fair to both parties involved.

It is an extremely scary situation once your heart is involved because you that you can’t easily pull it back. You know that once you involve all the emotions and feelings that are associated with a vulnerable heart, you will allow for mistakes to be made that need to happen in order to grow. It doesn’t mean your allowing your red lines to be crossed nor does it mean you should allow for yourself to be taken advantage of or have a feeling of being less than. It means you know that you’re going to have to deal with imbalance and inequality here and there. It means that you’re going to have to be mindful to determine whether or not the relationship is mutually beneficial as it should be. It means that you will have to be open to the possibility of things ending suddenly. It means you will have to be open to the possibility of things changing and adapting to that change.

It can also mean that you experience a level of happiness and pleasure that you’ve never felt before. It means that you have to willing to accept that pure and unconditional love can be given to you and you have to accept it. It means that you have to be willing to allow your partner to have control sometimes, in order to allow for you to feel the comfort of their protection as well. In order for you to have all the things that your heart desires and you have dreamed of, you will have to relinquish full control. You must allow for someone to love you deeply in their own way. For them to show you they love and care you for you in a way that feels comfortable for them, but is reassuring for you too. Passion and intimacy and love are things that come with time and feeling and comfort.

These are things that can’t really be defined with time. They aren’t equally or universally shown the same way. It requires a finesse of the heart. It requires you to take yourself out of the equation of satisfaction and put your partner first and allow them to satisfy you. It means telling your partner what makes you feel good and how you like to be treated, so that they can figure out how to do it in their way to you so that you feel the love. And so that you know the love is real and legitimate from them. I know that all of this seems so complicated and at times frustrating. But that is part of what love is. That is part of what leading with your heart means. It takes the thoughts from the mind filter them through your heart. There is a real solid chance that it will lead to varying degrees of happiness and sadness. You may feel disappointed and surprised. All of these things are normal and should be allowed to happen.

The goal is that with time and communication and practice, it will become normal to feel the good. Abnormal to feel the pain or disappointment and regular for the love and romance and passion to be on display. These things happening means that the love is real. That the heart is being exercised and the feelings are freely flowing. Good, bad, great, disappointment. All these words will be used at one time or another. Accept them all, embrace them all. Learn from the unhappy words, bask in the positive ones and hopefully a life full of memories and love will follow.

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My Promise to You

Laying here thinking about the news I was told. Letting my mind wonder to grasp the seriousness and the heartache that I felt. Knowing that I’ve been through the same thing and have had and maybe still have similar thoughts to the ones you possess. I can only wonder what really is my duty. What should I be doing, both intentionally and purposefully to ensure that you feel all that you need to in order to know that better is here and lies ahead for you and us. What is it that one would want to hear and feel so that they know that what was will never be again, as long as I’m around? I came to a few conclusions and this forum allows me to put it in the universe for the winds to take it manifest it and spread it from coast to coast, ocean to ocean.

I promise you that I will always be there to hear your innermost private thoughts and feelings. I promise that I will always be there to be the ear you need to listen, the sounding board you need to talk to. I will be the rock that supports your foundation. I will be that shoulder that you need to lean on. I will be that comforter when you feel less than your best. I will be the guider to help navigate the uncertain and uneasy feelings you possess. These were the first sets of things I came to when I said what is needed from me. These I think encapsulate what is needed when I first think of some that heinous happening and the true support needed once you start to emerge from that dark terror. It is that compassion and empathy that will help to move you along healing from the situation.

Then I started to extrapolate that a little further and deeper. That’s when I came to the heart of the matter and depths that I’m willing to go to for you. I promise that I will be your protector when you need that extra shield. I will be there to make sure you never feel alone or lonely, in moments where you just need time to yourself. I will make sure that I am always responsive to you. There to make sure you always know that no matter what, I will never put you in position that to happen or ever allow someone to approach with a disgusting suggestion. I promise that I will always show you the love and attention that you need. I will provide the love and care and affection that is required, whenever it is required. It doesn’t matter if it’s morning, afternoon or midnight hours. Anytime you need to have your soul touched, your spirit put at ease or mind pacified I will be here.

These things came to me after really allowing myself to remember what it was like for me to have to go through that trauma and the variety of things needed coming out from that and trying to be with someone again afterwards. I know that it will not be easy and most of all it will take a large amount of patience and understanding. It will require me to be more openly cognizant of your sensitivity and emotional needs. Knowing all of this can be overwhelming if you’re not prepared or ready for the tasks. But when I look at your beautiful face and I feel the strength of your heart, I know that I’m more than prepared and able to handle this situation.

It it definitely when you learn the deepest, darkest parts of your lover that you can truly gain even stronger love and appreciate for that person. It is then, in my opinion, that your love starts to learn bounds that you never thought possible. I think that each person is responsible for bringing themselves happy and as whole as possible to the relationship, but I also feel that it is the responsibility of your partner to ensure that you maintain that happiness by striving to give you the happiness that a companion, a lover and hopeful forever partner provides. It is my opinion that if you can’t promise someone that level of love and happiness, then you need to think twice if they are for you.

As I started and as I finish, I ask myself am I really being the man that is needed for this situation? I know that I am because when I see that beautiful smile on your face, or when I hold you close after sharing that story, I feel the love and comfort come out of your body. I feel you relaxing and trusting that the arms that hold you are also protecting you. If this love story has the ending that we desire, then everything that I have promised you has definitely come true.

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Your Mind is Your Weakness

Do you ever stop to consider that in most situations, your mind is your biggest hurdle? It is just as fragile and sensitive as the heart, but the difference is it has the ability to deceive you as well. See, I believe because we have both the conscious and subconscious thoughts that travel through us constantly, that our mind becomes the fertile ground for which doubt and insecurity can dwell. I am a firm believer that once you take control of the thoughts you allow yourself to entertain on a daily basis, you really have won 70 percent of the battle. If you have your heart broken, what do you do in order to recover? Some they jump right to the next, ready to put the negative thoughts, energy and feelings out of their minds. Others, they sit and take time to reflect, learn from whatever mistakes or missed signs that were present to alert you to the possible hurt to come.

In truth, I think both choices work, depends on who you are and how you look at the world and people. Some folks who look at life with a positive outlook, tend to want to get back on the horse quickly. They don’t want to allow the negative vibes and energy to fester in their minds and spirits. And will often times decide that the next person will be able to help as they remove the bad and hopefully replace it with the good. Sometimes that’s exactly what it takes. Let go of what was and embrace what will be and what is. But, the question is do you really just wipe that bad experience away that quickly? Does your mind block it from its existence, or does it sit back in the recesses of your mind, toiling in the subconscious, waiting for you to have time to yourself for your to playback the things that may have caused you grief? See it is my belief that even the optimistic person has this period where their minds wonder about what was, even if nothing more than to bring the needed closure for the situation.

I am also of the mind however, that most people, while they try their might to move on without looking back, spend far too much time in their down time or thought time, thinking about just that. The yesterday; more precisely the things that went wrong. The damage that was done and the feelings that they felt after it all happened. They try to bury those feelings with the next person, but it doesn’t really work as smoothly as they believe. In fact, what is created is this kinda false dichotomy. What happens is in order to mask whatever warts were created as a result of that past failure, a substitute personality is created. It can be a hybrid of the real self mixed with the fronting self, in order to give someone the impression that all is well while you try to work through some things. Or, it just is a completely alternate version of yourself. One that focuses solely on making positive memories and moments and rejects any type of negativity, often times neglecting the fact that you just may be the cause of the rift because your too busy trying to be agreeable and upbeat, while behind the scenes emotions or feelings may be whopping your ass.

It can be such a tricky balance. The heart is getting mixed signals because on the one hand, you have opened it up to someone else, while on the other hand, you’re still a little damaged from the last and it has a little hesitation because it’s unsure if it is ready to handle the uncertainty and excitement of the new challenge. The mind to me is fifty times worse. It creates the alternate universe that allows you to walk into the next endeavor, while still dealing with the true realities of what you may be feeling. It is this imprisonment of the mind that to me leads to the conflicts that cause relationships to actually end. See, your mind may not be strong enough to handle all that’s coming its way. While the heart is far more resilient that we think, it is the mind that is far more fragile and more unpredictable. For the person who thinks they can withstand any and everything, and for the person who knows they may be one heart break or tragedy away from destruction.

It is my belief that just like we treat our bodies to relaxation and regeneration with massages and rest, the mind is in need of the same thing. When it has incurred too much stress and trauma, it needs a rest. It needs time to breathe, refresh, recharge and prepare itself fully for the next set of situations to present itself. If you don’t allow your mind to fully close one old chapter before opening a new chapter, you make the journey doubly difficult for you as well as whomever you chose to share the journey with. And ask yourself is that really fair? Does someone deserve for you to randomly shutdown for no logical reason? Does someone deserve to not have a full openness and understanding to you? Are you just that self absorbed and self centered that you would rather make someone feel uncertain of you and your love, all because you are so yearning to feel the love that was lost? Because you don’t want to be stuck in the misery that you may feel and think about?

Let’s be honest, that is part of your recovery. If you have been through a difficult breakup you need time to experience all the feelings and emotions that go along with that breakup. And just as important, you need time to have the thoughts and perceptions of it too. Your brain needs to be able to blow off all the steam it may have built up over the course of that past relationship. It needs time to fix its thought process so that the next person doesn’t get saddled with unnecessary doubts and obstacles or for you to be distracted because you haven’t fully released the past. And let me help with something else related to this. If you mind is that distracted or if it can become that detached that you need to isolate yourself from the one your with, maybe you need to leave them alone and get yourself together first. If that isn’t an option, then you need to include them fully in your healing. Let them be what you seem to lack; a guide to give you direction to move past the old pains and the vessel to come forward into current happiness and sustain that mindset.

Don’t fool yourself, you can lose your soulmate if you aren’t prepared to handle them. Sometimes, the right one comes at the wrong time; and if that happens you have to decide if you want that ride now and risk losing it because you’re not ready to be fully committed. Or, do you trust in the fact that if someone is meant to be, they will be and time will allow for the two of you to have what you are meant to. Either way, it’s a tough decision that requires selfless thought. You can’t be absorbed in yourself and make that decision honestly, because you are already compromised. Your mind is already weakened because it isn’t thinking of both sides.

See what I mean. The mind is far more sensitive than we think. It stores everything. It consumes too much and most times it’s the wrong things. If you cut out some of the noise, focus on you and healing. Consciously make decisions with the best intent for you and the one you love, I promise it may still be hard and a little uncomfortable, but you will have control. Most importantly, you will have clarity of mind to do what needs to be done.

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Partnership in Relationship

There are times that I sit and just think about what it takes to achieve greatness within a relationship. It’s the things that must be done, in my mind, in order to ensure that a relationship is healthy and both parties feel complete. It is in my opinion that there are elements in relationships that need to be met in order for there to be peace. One, there needs to be a sense of partnership that exists. Now when I say partnership I mean exactly that. It is the sense of equalness and shared responsibility. If the two of you are living together then there should always be a sense of equality with regards to household responsibilities.

I think that one of the more underrated and often forgotten aspects of relationships, is the actual partnership involved. I think relationships that are strong and healthy have a strong sense of partnership. Each individual knows what’s needed and contributes their parts to ensure that they’re both coming up together. That with financial and mental stresses of a relationship are shared equally. Or, shared to the degree that each person has what they need to feel that they are in a true partnership within the relationship. There is an inevitable sense of pressure that gets felt when someone feels that they’re taking on all of the responsibility or when one person doesn’t feel the need to be as committed to handling their share.

I feel that one thing that shouldn’t be overlooked is someone who doesn’t appear to have the drive and push to level up accordingly. It it irrespective of age. I don’t and won’t accept that someone needs to reach a certain age in order to understand that concept. I think it is more of a mentality that has be at the forefront of the mind. And it doesn’t just stop at the financial aspect. The emotional and physical part of the relationship is just as critical. A partnership means that one should feel all the love coming back that they give putting out. But it also means having the patience to allow your partner to grow into what they need to.

In a partnership, sometimes it requires someone to guide the other to help them grow and develop further. A person sometimes has to understand that we all need assistance with being a full partner. With saying all that I did at the top of this blog, it’s important to understand the full dynamics. When you have a partnership you also have to realize that there is likely to be an imbalance. Relationships aren’t like businesses. You can’t honestly expect to have a real 50/50 split. The truth is that in any relationship the different elements will have a different split in the partnership aspects. Maybe on the partnership level its 70/30, the companionship level it’s 40/60, the intimacy level it’s 65/35. All of these different pieces to the puzzle make up the whole. If you don’t have levels that are reassuring and comforting to you then you have to figure out what to do.

Before you decide what to do or what needs to be done, you need to ask yourself at what level are you both at from a partnership standpoint. Are you more prepared than the your lover. Are they more polished in other aspects of the partnership than you are. What ever the case may be, you need to understand that it all works together. Part of the partnership part is the communication aspect as well. That to me is the one part where it needs to be just as close to 50/50 as it can get. When that part of your partnership is off too far, then that will be a potential downfall. See, the shit just isn’t as black and white as you think. So examine things for yourself, think about what you see and feel and make your own decisions about how best to move forward.

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Are They Your Forever?

One of the questions I have thought about over time is whether or not people are really legit when they say that they want someone to be their forever. In other words, they want to find that person that will be their last. Their last relationship, their last time having to date and learn someone on that level. The last time they have to lay with someone in bed. The last person that they will ever have sex with again. The last person to share those lifelong and life lasting moments with. I’m not sure that people really have an appreciate for the magnitude and weight that saying that statement carries.

I feel as though in this world there is a gross underappreciation for telling someone you want to be with them forever. That is to me the most life defining moment in terms of love and happiness. There is no more clear and definitive way to express love for someone than to say you want to be with them until you die. For some, they want that to continue to the afterlife as well. I wonder just how many people are truly ready for that which they speak out loud. I think it’s worthy of digging a little deeper to understand why people use that phrase as a ploy and manipulation, rather than actually wanting to hold to its meaning.

You know if you want to be honest, if you say that you are in love with someone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you also want them to be your forever. As we know in life, love seems to be far more fleeting in this decade than it was previously. People are far more comfortable uttering that word out of their mouth to someone, even if they really aren’t prepared to act upon the seriousness of that word. It means something deeper and more powerful when you can look someone in their eyes and that I want you to be my forever. I want you to be the one that gets my everlasting love. That you can look at that person and say that my love is truly unconditional and never ending. That you want to make every decision of the rest of your life with and for that individual, along with yourself.

It is very uncharacteristic for people to say that these days. Normally, the average person will tell you they love you. Or they will say that they’re in love with you. Words that while definitely not taken lightly, again don’t have the same infinite and life changing as being called someone’s forever. I just wonder how many people have really had that person come in their lives and they realize it and accept it with the openness that is required. Do you even want to have that type of bond and relationship with someone, that you can say that they are your forever. That you will never desire another man or woman for the rest of you life. That you are happy, content, satisfied and comfortable with walking into eternal life with that person.

Honestly, I’ve thought about this a few times and while it has been a thought in my mind maybe once or twice regarding individuals, I never took it as a serious measure until now. Now, I think that for the first time I can truly say that my forever man is here and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. Listening to him express that love for me and that definitiveness that he has taken his place as the one in my life for the rest of my life never made me more proud and ecstatic. I can honestly say that this is the first time that someone has said those words to me. That someone unprompted and unafraid expressed their endless and deeply personal and passionate love for me. It gave me a new understanding for what it means to truly be in love with someone and have someone be in love with me.

This man has everything I need and want in a spouse. He has given me every reassurance of his love and dedication to me. His soul seems to be connected to mines, his heart is interwoven with mines and our lives are forever linked as one. When that day comes that the official markings of this union are given, it will be something that I’ve never experienced before and something I will never experience again. This man is my forever and I am his. I challenge you to take time and think about if you want a forever partner or if you already have one. Share a story if you dare. Keep the conversation going.

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Loving Your Truth

Here we are deep into the year 2020 and we still have a very big issue within society, but more specifically, the black gay community at large, people aren’t willing to be their authentic selves and live in their truth. Listen, I understand all the different forces that are present that can make it problematic for some to do that. From family to financial to religious and on down the line, but in reality it’s all smoke and mirrors. The thing that matters the most is are you at peace and comfortable with yourself. Are you loving your truth and living in it? If you aren’t may I suggest that you find the will and courage and strength to do so, before you end up lonely or worse off dead.

There have been scores of black transgender women being slain across America. It’s sad and heartbreaking. It is tragic and in large parts avoidable. I understand that there is a section of people who don’t accept, understand or respect the transgender community, but also there are numerous transgender folks who are being honest with the tea and it costing them their lives. Let me say this for the record, I don’t give a damn how unclockable or passable you are. Just because you have the face and body to pass as a woman, if you still swinging dick between you thighs, then you need to let whatever nigga you about lay wit know that you are a man underneath it all. That is the only fair and respectable way to approach this situation.

It doesn’t matter if you think or know that the man won’t be interested in you any longer because you share the same parts that he got. The thing is, are you more worried about snatching that straight dude or are you worried about keeping your life? If you get the man but he gets your life, was it worth it in the end? There is never going to be any understanding for me on that front. I don’t like seeing my transgender brothers and sisters killed senselessly and so violently, primarily because they refuse to be upfront and tell them who they are underneath the clothes. Love is hard to come by I know. The dick you want may not be what you get by being you, I get that. But again, what do you value more? A dick that might be community or your life that only exists for you?

This love of truth is not only restricted to that either. You should embrace all the facets of you and who you are no matter be they popular or unpopular. Whether they attract or repel the crowd. Don’t be out here faking, broadcasting yourself as one type of individual, when you know that you’re something else. That too, is disingenuous and misleading. It can cause someone to like you or fall for you that really isn’t you. It allows you to draw someone in to you only for you to switch it up and give them something that they didn’t sign up for or agree to. People in this day and age have to accept that being you is far more attractive than lying about who you are only to get what you want.

If you struggle with something admit that up front. When you talk of your likes and dislikes, be honest and forward. The truth is bound to come out, the actions are bound to show the real and you can’t get upset at someone for choosing to go another direction because who they thought they were going to be with, was not who ultimately they got. I am unapologetic in the directness with which I give my character to the world. I have learned and accepted that all of me is just what it is. The good and the not so good. The flaws and all the things that come with me are just as accepting as all the things you like. I make no bones about my struggles, I don’t hide from the dark creases that part of me reside in either. I make it known that for me I like sex in my relationship early and regularly. I don’t hide the fact that I love affection and conversation. I make it clear that I’m eccentric and have a big personality too.

Conversely, it’s known that I’m bipolar and struggle with depression and anxiety. I am open about my trust issues and the hardened exterior I’ve created to protect myself. I am straightforward when I say that I don’t cut corners when speaking. I say that which I think and comes to my mind. I don’t bend the arch in favor of anyone or anything but fairness. I am not the smartest in the room, but I got plenty of intellect and my street savoy is sharp. I don’t pretend to tell you I like everything because I don’t and I will never tell you that I’m liked by or meant for anyone because I’m not. I know that I have baggage but I don’t give it to the next. I always internalize and handle with care as not to drench my partner with the stains of my past. Just know that I’m attune to it all and I pay attention to everything. I don’t speak on it all at one time, but the mind captures it all like a vault. Waiting until the appropriate time to release it’s findings and discuss.

See when you live in and love your truth you can do these things. You can be unapologetically you. You can pay attention to the people and things in your surrounding and not feel as though your hypocritical because that most of means that you have paid attention to yourself first. You are able to know what is causing you unrest and tension and you are able to seek it out and resolve that conflict to the best of your ability. Love yourself and love your truth. It may mean spending time alone with yourself resolving issues of past hurts and pains. It may mean accepting that life dealt you somethings that you have to overcome. But it will always mean that whomever you have encounters with will all have to say one. That you are real and authentic in yourself. They may not like you, and that’s ok, but they will respect you because it’s authentically you.

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Love That Don’t Feel Right

Sometimes I sit and wonder why did I go through some of the things that I did. I often challenge the notion that true love or happiness will find me someday. I think it is in part due to the traumatic past pain and the destructive wake that was left behind. I think it’s also due to the fact that I’m never the guy that gets appreciated in the moment. I’m not the guy who is loved in the midst or the guy that people take time to enjoy the view when we’re together. I seem to be the guy that shows what giving oneself means, only to have it be taken for granted or underappreciated. Then after time and failed relationships, people come back and reveal just how good I was, or just how much I was truly different.

These revelations, while fine on the surface, really tear away at me. It does so because I do want to be appreciated while engaged in the relationship. I want to be wanted and partner validated by the guy who has my affection. It’s not that I struggle to get people to want to be with me, but they don’t seem to have that desire for me that is shown for them. Better yet, they talk the game but the actions fail miserably. When you experience this enough, it makes you question whether or not you are doing something wrong. Maybe your energy isn’t right. Maybe your giving off a lack of confidence in self or somehow you just aren’t attracting that which you thought you were. It makes you feel a little insecure to feel the emptiness that should be filled by the one that you love.

I admit that I’ve been split and torn a lot lately. Some days I think that I’m in the most satisfying, happy and loving relationship. Then, some days I feel as though I’m really just here as a placeholder. Like I’m the stop gap to whatever is actually about to come next. It feels like I’m really just being used for knowledge and time, not really getting the full energy that I should be receiving. Not getting the full love that should be felt. Far too often I hear words spoken and at first they rang with this breath of freshness and believability, now they are starting to ring hollow and muted. Almost as if said on program and repeated lifelessly as a means to pacify my concerns or deflect from the obvious stress or lack of excitement for this relationship.

It just feels so wrong. It doesn’t feel like it’s a utopian love that is embracing the challenges and the journey head on. It feels like this love is being weighed down, battered already by outside forces that truly have nothing to do with the happiness or success of this relationship, but maybe a little unexpected blowback or unpreparedness for responses has caused things to become more tense or unsettled than imagined. Maybe the hardened exterior and polished tough words aren’t really the story at all. Maybe the reality is that inside the soul and the mind and spirit aren’t all connected on one accord. Maybe this journey is too much and the effects are starting to show. Love shouldn’t feel or be this way.

Love shouldn’t feel forced or weak, not at this stage and to me at any point. If it’s real love it might take a beating, it might become strained, it might wain a little, but that’s when the reserves kick in. That’s when the mind and most importantly, the heart, churns and reminds you of why you chose this person and this journey in the first place. I tend to think that there are many little battles fought within a relationship, amongst both the couple as a whole and the individuals themselves. It is how these battles are fought and decided that determine what direction the relationship goes and its ultimate succession or failure. I think that ignoring the physical aspect of any meaningful relationship is dangerous and is a source of weakness.

I don’t think that you have to be sexually intimate every day or all the time, but I do believe that a healthy and satisfying sex life within a relationship, coupled with a healthy joint spirit and a combined hearty love for one another builds the foundations solid and strong, so that when the inevitable challenges and obstacles arise, you have enough in the tank to withstand them, defeat and overcome them and then take the time to refill the tank. To me, when any of those elements are missing or aren’t firing on all cylinders, you are already at a disadvantage and usually likely to experience a harder time recovering, if you recover because the base isn’t firm. The foundation has cracks and the obstacles only damage that unsettled ground further.

When the love feels wrong, you have to ask yourself why. You have to be willing to look yourself in the face and ask the tough question of is it you and if so what can you do. But, you also have to have the metal strength to realize it may be your partner and you have to approach them with respect and due caution, but you must be just as blunt and direct with them as you would be with yourself. Otherwise you have no true bond or friendship, let alone a healthy relationship. Once those answers are given, you must then seek the solutions that will allow for this to resolved in a manner that both of you want the situation to go. Be it fixing the issues or dissolving the relationship. Either way, one thing you should never do is allow it to fester or boil over. When love doesn’t feel right, you better make it right or walk away.