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Keep Your Hands to Yourself

I was watching a show earlier today and the argument that was had was over a man putting his hands on a woman in a fight/altercation. The friend of the females confronted the male after the situation was over to question why they would put their hands on the woman. The man said it was an error in judgement but the heat of the moment in the situation caused him to react and not really think about the fact that it was a woman challenger. Now, I’ve had this discussion a number of times with people and I’m sure I’ve previously written about this before, but my stance on this is probably controversial and some may not like it, but my thing is this.. If you don’t to get punched in the mouth, don’t put your hands on anybody. Period!!

This rule has no exceptions. I do not give a pass to a woman for hitting a man first at all! I think that has got to be one of the most stupidest excuses for violence that I’ve heard. If a woman hits a man, then a man shouldn’t hit back because in theory they are genetically stronger. I say bull shit to to that. I was taught and raised to not let ANYONE put their hands on me. There was not an exception made for a girl or boy, man or woman. So as I got older and was able to freely form my own opinion on this topic, I have stuck strictly to this rule when handling and discussing this subject with people. There shouldn’t be any excuse given as to why a woman can hit a man in anger but the man must simply take it and either hold the woman or take her punches or slaps because they are “superior.”

I want someone to help me understand why in the legal world and in the society at large, we felt the need to have this unwritten rule be the norm. I really can’t understand why this exists. In the gay community if a trans woman get into a physical altercation with a cis man or conforming man, it’s taboo for the man to hit the trans woman. Why the hell is that? I think it’s a complete farce, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I don’t view the transgender person a woman, it’s because it goes against my principle of keep your hands to yourself. For me it is very simple, if you feel that you are agitated enough to want to hit someone be prepared for the consequences regardless of what gender you recognize yourself to be. Also, lets make this a bigger point. Women are always says that they want to be considered equals to men. That they just as strong and aggressive as men, well if that’s the case, definitely all is fair in a fight.

See I’m not one of these folks who says lets separate when to consider women equal and when to say a man is superior simply because it makes for an easier situation. I want things to be as complex as they should be and as simple as they really are. And to me what is really simple about this topic and to squash any complications, make it very easy.. assault is assault. If your a woman and you hit a woman…assault. If you’re a woman and you hit a man… assault. If you’re a man and you hit a man… assault. See that way there is no favorite or predetermined situation that makes the man always guilty no matter what. If we operated with this premise then all these unnecessary conversations after the fact about why a dude hit a woman is unnecessary.

Stop playing like this is really hard. I know many were raised not to put their hands on people, but there was a major emphasis on the man not ever hitting a woman. This was mostly said because one, the man is supposed to be the protector and two, primarily because the man is stronger than the woman so it’s an unfair fight. While that may be true in a majority of cases, that isn’t always the case and should never be the rule to begin with. So as I keep saying, to make this a easy and simple conversation let the rules be the rules for all. If you don’t want no smoke keep your damn hands to yourself. Otherwise, fair game when throwing hands.

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A Self Reflection

One of the things that has happened as a result of the Covid pandemic is people have had lots of time to be home. A lot times alone, to think about themselves, their lives and where they are in life. Many people have talked about feelings of depression and sadness because they haven’t been able to be as socially active, not able to interact physically with friends and family. It has forced, in my opinion, people to think about things they’re happy with, but more deeply, things that they’re unhappy about. Things that may have hurt and people that have been lost. It has forced people also to look at themselves and see if they are truly happy with where their life is or are they feeling a sense of dissatisfaction.

I find myself, of late, in this position. I have been thinking a little more often about where I am in this stage of my life. I don’t see the level of personal or professional satisfaction that I expected to have at this point. Most of it is self inflicted wounds. I haven’t always allowed myself to stay focused on my goals, be it professionally or personally and it has started to really bother me. I think what also makes it more difficult is I really don’t know just yet which way to turn in order to make the changes that I really want to make. I feel a sense of being stuck and just spinning my wheels in the same type of pattern. But, there are also times where I see progress being made. I see things getting better, I see certain facets improving and I’m happy in a couple regards, but I see too much inconsistency and it bothers me still.

I’m not really sure why it is that I feel so incomplete at this point honestly. There really are good things happening but something inside tells me that it’s not enough. Some things are also telling me that it feels like I’m out of place now. I think this may be what some have talked about when they say they’ve felt despondent and listless. Like they just don’t want to anything and not feeling inspired. Then they get help to reorganize and stabilize themselves. Maybe for me I’m at that point of needing that type of assistance. The truth is though, I don’t really have anyone that I trust to really get into the depths of things like I need to and talking to a professional ain’t cheap.

For me sometimes, I just really feel like I’ve failed myself and let myself down so much. I figured that by this time in life I would be much further along in my professional career. And if I’m being honest, I would’ve been had personal issues not impeded that progress and blown up all the great work I had accomplished. At least three times that I can count where this has happened. Personally, I thought I would have been married by now and had a family started. Real shit, I was close to both things happening on a couple of occasions. I’ve been seriously engaged three times and each one failed to produce a marriage. I’ve been on the verge of having kids twice, once lost to abortion, against my will and without my knowledge. Second time, due to a miscarriage.

It just feels like for me each time I get close to things and take three steps forward, something happens and there are five steps back. It gets to a point honestly, where you feel exhausted and worn out. You think and question whether or not it’s meant for you to have it. Even though you start working on those goals again, you just wonder if you’re in the right place at the right time/ And you realize that it’s a matter of time and opportunity for those things to show themselves and that is one of the most difficult parts to it all. All I really want is a sign of some sort. Something to confirm or deny what I’m doing. I know that I never plan to stop trying to attain those goals. Time will tell if it’s going to happen.

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Quality Time Versus Quantity Time

If you know anything about me then you know that I always tell people to be careful of how they describe time spent together. I believe that there is a big misconception that simply because you are around someone that it means you’re spending quality time with them, or just because you live together it means all your time is quality and that just isn’t true. In fact I believe that more people misjudge and often times neglect to have meaningful time together with their partners when they live together. Typically because one or both parties think that living together automatically means quality time together.

So here’s the thing about that. There is nothing quality about laying in bed together while one person or the both of you are just scrolling and typing away on the phone, not really interacting with each other. There is nothing quality about one person trying to be intimate or just have real quality time while the other does just sit on their phone and dismiss the offering of time from their partner. That is neglect in the purest form and something that can lead to trouble in your relationship. Just because you have a high quantity of time together, you have to make sure you get quality out of some of that time. That will and is always the key to healthy relationships, making sure you get quality time out of every day possible.

I think that when we’re younger we have a greater tendency to mix up the two because we maybe haven’t had the experience to better inform us of which one we really are performing, and we haven’t been shown or told how to really have quality time until we have had that relationship that puts a focus on it, causing us to pay more attention to just how we are spending time with the one we love. It’s a loophole that doesn’t get covered as much by parents or people who are influences to us. If it is discussed it isn’t given the requisite time it deserves in order to be properly understood. So here’s the deal.. Being on your phone all damn day and laying under your partner doesn’t equal quality time. Not focusing on each other for a period of the day without your phones is not quality time it’s just time, quantity time.

Now if you two are making a Youtube channel video while you’re online, that’s one thing, but the overwhelming majority aren’t so it wouldn’t apply. I really get tired of people trying to make the argument that all they need is to be next to the person they love and that’s quality time for them. Have you looked up the definition of the word quality. Laying there with no interaction or limited interaction isn’t a definition in the world quality. So how about if while you’re laying there y’all put the phones down and watch a couple movies or have dinner together or play video games together or get real intimate, where you fuck or not, that time is valuable. Or have a deep conversation to learn things deeper about you two and your desires together.

Do any of those activities for a bit, or sing and dance together, whatever it is there is where you have created quality time. That will make the both of you feel a lot better than just your face planted in the phone not or barely acknowledging the others presence. It is great important and value in making great use of the time you get to spend together. It is my belief that things operate on cycles. There will come time where the two of you won’t have that time to spend lots of it together. Work, children, family will intercede and require you guys to have less time together, making quality time less available and even more important. If you lack having it then, when times have gotten tighter, it could be the relationship killer.

I challenge you all to take time and think about what kind of time to you spend with your partners? Is it more quality than quantity or is it more quantity than quality?

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Insta/Snap/Book Influencer

Yea if you on social media then you are likely to know what these apps are. Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook. And I can’t forget Twitter either. All of these social media vices are where most of the country absorbs it’s content. From news to sports to entertainment to social activities and events. Social media has become the largest influence over society. Print Media and Television media have become second and third in whatever order you want, but their importance has definitely diminished as instant news and idealist news has become the it thing in society. When you can have someone who looks like you and talks like you deliver what you think is the news. It’s usually their slant on what’s going on in the world and more specifically the country we live in.

It’s gone so far that now we have people labeling themselves as influencers. What does it mean when you call yourself that? More important what does it mean when a generation of people believe it without questioning the source or the validity of such a claim? It means that we are living is a bit of dangerous times. Social media as a whole is and has been a positive. It allows for people to unite far quicker than needing to call and get people in place. It allows for messages to be disseminated to the masses quickly and efficiently. It allows for you to find someone that you need to find, for people to memorialize themselves without having to pay lots of money to do so. It allows for people to be discovered without sacrificing their livelihoods to do so. All positives and things that have helped move us forward as a society.

However, it has also come with a great cost. It has allowed for social media thugs. People that pretend they’re hard or living a tough life, while really they are the total opposite. It allows for an alarmingly high rate of bullying, especially among teens. That has led to far too many deaths because of these hurtful actions. It had lead to pressures of having sex earlier than one wants, just to fit in with the crowd. It has led to people fighting and being killed over the go live culture. People who need to feed their egos and fan the flames rather than put them out. There are so many things that social media has been used for that is unhealthy and it has been used for many helpful things as well,

What it means is that the more that people, societies and cultures gravitate towards this vice for business and personal use, it is incumbent upon us to be more respectful and thoughtful. We all know someone who has benefited from the rise of social media and someone or people who have been hurt and as a result of social media. While we will never fully remove the negatives that are associated with social use, we can definitely control how much we allow people to attempt to tear each other down. Remember that even though you can’t be “seen” doesn’t mean you are all powerful. Consequences come with everything that we do, both good and bad. So with the rise of the influencer title, comes a rise in responsibility.

If that is something that you don’t want to assume, responsibility that is, then don’t label yourself as a influencer and don’t seek that mantle. Truth it that is millions of people out here looking for someone to believe in. Someone that will speak to them in a way they understand and can relate to. Someone who may be able to relate to their life and maybe help better their life and in some cases save their life. There is more to social media than just crystalizing a moment, or shaking ya ass for the camera or mike dropping on somebody. It is also to inform, connect, build, and inform. So choose your social media outlets wisely, Whether you know it or not, whatever you indulge in is influencing what you believe in and the view you take on things.

Be smart, be wise social media influence is on the rise.

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Say Their Names

As we sit here a little more than 60 days out from the election I’m concerned that people are forgetting what happened 4 years ago. Many people wrote off Donald Trump and elitist Democrats took too many states for granted and we got the worst President of a lifetime in the White House. Four years later it seems that a little has been learned but not much. We still don’t see the candidate pushing hard enough on the issues that will help them win. Pushing that there is abuse in the policing, the justice system is biased, racism is still present and systemic, the economy is in the shits for most people and this pandemic is fucking this nation up.

All these things are issues that should be pressed on a daily basis and they aren’t being done. We need to step up the attack lines and remind people just how terrible it has been and how much worse it will get if he gets four more years in office. Lets focus a little more on this Black Lives Matter situation. I said in my title to say their names. It’s serious because I want you to be able to understand just how horrible this situation is. There was a March on Washington this weekend, there are protests in Wisconsin, still protests in Portland, there were protests here in Atlanta this weekend. It’s coming quickly and over and over but Jesus this isn’t enough. So right now I want to say their names.. Philando Castile, Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, George Floyd, Jacob Blake, Admaud Arbery, Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin, Mike Brown, Trayford Pellerin. The list is far longer than this. The names just as important as these. But these are the names that have energized movements more and more because of the videos seen. Because of the outright disbelief in the stories told. Innocent black people, not being violent, not being criminal, and yet they were killed.

Justice for my brothers and sisters still hasn’t come and it appears it never will. This is the thing that continues to be talked about and action continues to be demanded for. We are looking for equality in the system. We are looking for police to be held accountable. we are looking for justice to equate to what we expect to see. Time and time again we sit here and we wonder when will it end. When will we get equal justice under the law for us. When will we get police held accountable for their brutality and misuse of force. Amber Guyger, one of the few officers held to account for murdering a black man in cold blood, when she went into Botham Jean’s apartment and shot him dead, he was unarmed by the way. She still only got a ten year sentence for her crime.

Can you imagine if that were reversed. If that was a black officer who killed a white man. That officer wouldn’t have been given mercy or leniency. They would have been sentenced to life without parole. They would have been crucified by the media and White America. But here she was with people begging for grace and mercy for her. Botham’s brother forgiving her as we are always asked to do, when our people are killed. Injustice that should be corrected. You wonder why we are outraged and tired of the system. All of these situations aren’t necessary. You have white people that have killed innocent black people taken to get food. You have a White teenager who kills people and he was not vilified. Why is this the case in this country still?

Stand for this movement, stand for decency. Stand for change. It is time to put leaders in positions that will help the cause. Leaders that will pass legislation to rewrite the penal code to be more fair and just. Change the rules for law enforcement so brutality isn’t permitted and accountability will be held. Time for change. Time to remove the status quo. Trump and all need to go. New President, different congressional leaders. Stand up and make a demand for change. So I say again.. Say Their Names. Justice must be done.

#BLM#change#saytheirnames

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Heart Chronicles

There is something that I think many need to make sure to understand, the lack of openness or a suppression natural affection and sexual intimacy is not a reflection necessarily of both parties in a relationship. Most times it can be the result of one persons lack of transparency, but it can have a transfer effect. Meaning, that that missing or negligent action can cause doubts on both parts. Or, it can create a sense of resentment. Either way both are dangerous and need to be monitored because they can cause serious problems within a relationship.

As I’ve been saying recently, it’s not always one major thing that happens that causes change. It usually is smaller things that occur, that either lead up to the big thing happening that is obvious and noticed or the small things happen often enough, or in important enough situations that they’re noticed, at which point something must be done. It would be a mistake to just dismiss something small happening now, because it can be the catalyst that leads to something bigger down the road. If you notice these things happening you can handle it a number of ways and each carries different consequences. One way you can address the situation is to speak with intent on it. Meaning, ask why is it happening. Why is there a need to hide or feel the need to sneak if there is happiness and moving on one accord?

Be careful though because if that person isn’t use to that type of directness or bluntness it can lead to a retraction in that person. They may feel attacked and rather than engage in the conversation they may push back and attempt to disprove what it is that you’re putting forward. The other reaction you could get is a direct response. One that either you must accept or push forward if you feel that it doesn’t address the issue sufficiently. The second way you could handle it is just let it go. Don’t entertain it or any thoughts that could be associated with it. Maybe it’s just a situation that the person wanted an immediate fix and you were busy in the house and they chose to do it themselves and not involve you. Nothing against you and nothing indicating that any attraction is being lost or missing.

This is the passive approach, but it’s one that could also work. Again, it may allow for the situation to die out and not be tackled because it just may not need addressing at all. But be ware, because this could also be a flash point that needs to be marked as a sign of trouble down the line. Always remember, you have to maintain being present, which means attune to things within your relationship. A third way to deal with it combines the two approaches in a way. You address it but not questioning the deal. Speak your peace as to the necessity of your partner self pleasing themselves with you there in the house just in another room. Make it known your displeasure and let them think about why did they need to hide it and do it alone in the first place.

Now what you do after that is really up to you. If they don’t really have an answer and then ask you to join, well decide what you want to do. Maybe that was just a way for you to invite yourself, even though it was being hidden and you had to be playful and pull back the covers to see what’s happening. But maybe they wanted you to do it. Also consider, that had you not done any of that. Had you not played with person, had you not pulled the covers off none of that, you would’ve never known anything. It would’ve continued to be done and you would be in the dark. Maybe you need to leave them alone with your words and their thoughts. Nothing further to be said. No argument to have, no conversation to be debated. Just blunt words and then silence.

This has multiple ways it can turn out as well. Maybe the person thinks and talks to you about it and you clear the air and things improve. Maybe it leads to some tension and silence and nothing is really resolved. Or maybe there is some quiet, silent reflection that leads to discussion or action to ease your fears and doubts. Hopefully the outcome is the one you desire and the two of you can move forward in a peaceful and happy manner. Remember, relationships are going to have issues and obstacles. They will the most minimal of things to heavy and major things. Decide where it fits and handle it accordingly. It grows you both and makes you better if you accept it.

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The Week Sports Took A Stand

As a black man, I’m so proud of the statement that was made this week by the NBA, WNBA, MLB, NHL and WTA. Due to the great courage and leadership of the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks, sports stopped and athletes said that they will not continue to be marginalized and ignored. Black athletes said that they will no longer entertain the masses on television and be killed in cold blood in the streets. I’ve heard many people say well what did that accomplish. The answer is it accomplished a lot. It made the world stop and ask why. It caused the issues of police brutality and racial inequality take forefront once again. It brought some of the families of some of these black people who have been murdered by police back into the spot light.

We got another march on Washington today. We got more actionable items by sports franchises, including voter registration and calls to legislators in their states. More conversation on the demands to be made and those demands becoming more crystal clear. Demanding new legislation to tackle the police unions, legislation to address racial inequality in the justice system, rooting out prejudicial and racist police officers. All these things are necessary if we are going to advance the cause and movement for equality. These are the things that happened as a result of the athletes taking a stand and refusing to play games on television. So if you think their boycotts did nothing, well I guess your view is a little narrow.

The women of the WNBA have taken it even a higher level and it has to be applauded. It’s a shame that because their game isn’t as popular that their messages aren’t seen as much, but they are just as powerful. They have taken a stand and refuse to not be heard. This to me is exactly what should happen. Entertainment is not more important than lives. Black lives are just as important and critical as the black athletes that entertain you night after night. They give all they have so you can be distracted from the daily grind, but you won’t respect their views and lives when they’re off the court or if they’re not entertaining you. Enough is enough. This has been a watershed week and one that will never be forgotten.

This is the time to continue to put pressure and energy on this issue. Voting in two months on November 3 is so critical. No exceptions and no excuses. No need to try and say that there is nothing in it for you because that’s a lie. Your future is at risk. Your equality and freedoms are at risk. When will we say that it can no longer be about ignoring what’s difficult. For all you people who are tired of hearing about this subject, close your damn ears, shut your eyes or just go somewhere else. You’re probably the same people that give lip service about supporting the movement but don’t really want change. Or maybe you’re the people who are happy with how things are now, because it favors you and your family and people so this struggle isn’t relevant to you.

If you can’t understand why this shouldn’t and won’t go away anytime soon, maybe you need to sit down and listen more closely. Maybe you need to find some black people and talk to them about why we’re demanding equality and justice. I will not stop writing about the issue. No matter whether it gets may clicks and views or no clicks and views, I will continue to memorialize my thoughts and feelings. So when history is written, my children and grandchildren and generations of my family yet to be born can know that I was here and that I stood for something relevant and important to my people. That I have done my part voting and engaging in the process.

The message from the week that was is stand up and stand for something. Don’t let your actions be dictated for you or to you, dictate what you do. Change is something that never happens overnight. Grand scale change happens day by day. With little steps and big steps. It starts with a call to action and ends with tangible action. We are in the midst of change, don’t stop, won’t stop.

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I Wish I Would’ve

This headline says it all in my opinion. It’s a blog I’ve written about a little before but not really giving too much insight towards. Things that I have regrets about. It’s something that can be small to some and large to others. There are also some people who say that they have no regrets because they don’t live life with regret. I think for me there are a couple things that I have regrets about and I will dig deeper into these two things and lay it on the alter.

One of the biggest regrets that I have is not being as present during the pregnancy of what would have been my first born son. The person that I was with at the time, we were having major issues and we broke up right before I was told that they were pregnant. It was something that was not planned and I didn’t expect. It caught me off guard and once I was able to find out about it, I tried hard to be attentive and give what was needed, but when I really look back on it, I was not as present nor as sensitive as I needed to be. I can honestly say that it was in large part due to the fact that the relationship had crumbled and I was trying to find the air to breathe, while also trying to be the supportive co-parent to be as well.

Over time I was able to see how my lack of compassion for them led to a premature termination of our child. It hurt so bad because I didn’t get to have a say so in it at all. I wasn’t consulted or anything. Also, I was lied to as well because I was told my child was lost in a fight. It wasn’t until a year and a half ago that my child was actually aborted. It’s something that I live with forever. I truly wonder if I would’ve been able to separate the feelings of disappointment and anger from the joys and happiness then I think my three year old would be here now. Definitely something that I have major regrets about.

The second regret was not taking more time after a very destructive and hurtful end to a relationship. I was in my mid twenties and I thought that I was superhuman. You know, thinking that I just needed a little time and I needed to get back on the horse sooner than later. That with the love of the next guy, mixed with a fresh start I would be able to move on quickly. That was the absolute wrong thing. It turned out that I really needed years. For the better part of 4 years I ran through people. Being with people but never really giving all of myself. Because the truth was I was torn and in shatters. I was attempting to rebuild myself and give my heart to someone. Something that was never going to work.

I wound up being very mean and dismissive of so many people, who could’ve been good people. But because I felt such a pain and distaste for what happened, I felt pushed towards men and it led t some unfortunate, life altering things happening to me. Things that would take years to deal with and work through. It was the textbook definition of spiraling. I couldn’t stop myself. I had no control it felt like. I was building myself back up in some ways and still tearing it down in others. I never really understood why that was. I still really don’t understand it today, but I learned from that mistake. I applied the things I should’ve then and made for a much better result after having a second very traumatic, life changing relationship.

The burden I lived with back then that I finally released years ago caused me to apologize to some of the people I was still in contact with. I finally was able to get a handle on it all. I learned how to be a better me without needing to have someone in order to do it. It was a challenge and it may have cost me a lot, but I accept all the fallout that has happened.

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Gays of Our Lives

This is a conversation that is near and dear to my soul, I think it’s one that all of us the LGBTQ+ community need to have and understand. Being gay in any way, whether your lesbian, bisexual, transgender or just gay doesn’t mean that you have to conform to any of the norms of society. This will focus more on men than women, but I will address that community as well.

Please understand that being gay doesn’t mean that you aren’t a man. It doesn’t mean that you are any less of a man if you aren’t the most masculine man either. It needs and should be understood that a man is not and will not be defined by how deep your voice it. Nor will it be defined by how muscular you are. It will not be defined by how straight-acting you are or how athletically gifted you are. Being a man is more a definition of what you stand for. What do you do? Are you a man who takes care of your responsibilities? Do you handle yourself with respect? Are you honest with people and do you honor the word that you give? Do you make an honest day’s work out of yourself? These are the things that are the definitions of being a man.

I get so annoyed with people both inside and outside of the community that continuously judge being a man by what you look like or how hard you act. It is a fundamental flaw and it is a stereotype that destroys the fabric the community. We aren’t heterosexual people and we should not be holding each other to those standards. But, all too often we look at each other with the same prejudgment as those who want to discredit our equality with them. Far too many times gay dudes always get caught up in wanting the thug or the trade boy. The DL hard boy or the strict top who’s overly masculine. Don’t mistake me, everyone has a right to like what they like, but damn I know everyone doesn’t want the same thing.

This urge to get the manly nigga just so that you get cred or you catch a break from others because you’re feminine or you’re too scared to live your truth so you need another manish dude in order to hide your true teas better. It’s sad and unfortunate. Truth is in this community there are so many different types of dudes and they all deserve the love and recognition for being a man just like the masculine acting man does. Being a feminine guy doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you the embodiment of a man. They live in their truth and accept all the things that come with it. Being an in between man, one who is both masculine and feminine is just as much a man too. They accept that they split tendencies are and proud of it. They are definitely a man. Being a butch queen or a bear or a twink or geek or nerd or athlete or any other description of a gay male is just as legitimate for being a man as any other description.

Instead of knocking someone for what they aren’t or who they can’t portray, support each other for who we are. For being adult and man enough to live the truth of ourselves. When we do that, then we don’t have so many men who are afraid to come out the closet. Show them that there is love for them no matter where they land on the gay man spectrum and maybe they will find the strength to face their families and friends who may not be as accepting. To that end, to the heterosexual community, stop trying to make us all be the same. Gay men are unique. We are equal and we are created, just like you, in God’s image. The bible can’t be used as a judgment text. Because all of us are guilty of something in the bible that says we shouldn’t do certain things.

When will people understand that gay people have been around since the beginning of time. We aren’t just people who popped up out the blue. We trace back to the beginning of time. There needs to be a meeting of the minds that acceptance is needed. We don’t have to agree on the merits of whether or not it’s a choice, but we should agree that we’re human and deserve the same respect that is given to you. The same needs to be said for the lesbian community.

Women aren’t just defined by who is more womanlike or who has more of a butch like quality. They should be and are defined by do they carry themselves with the style and grace of a woman? Do they have the compassion and grace and substance of a woman? Do they love and show the empathy of a woman? Just like a man struggles with the acceptance of himself because of the personality and demeanor he carries, a woman has the same issues. She should not be told that she needs to act more like a lady or woman, because she is a ton boy or because she carries herself in a more masculine fashion.

If she chooses to be more butch, more power to her. If she chooses to wear heals and fashioned down to the tea more power to her. Both iterations are women, strong and vibrant and deserve to be admonished as such. Give them their just due and stop trying to position them in a box to fit the label of the hetero world. Women deserve the room to fit on the pendulum wherever they desire and they shouldn’t be pressured to do anything else.

The beauty of being a gay man or woman is just that. We are not the baseline. We are not the norm or the standard. We are beautiful rainbows that can express ourselves any way that we see fit. We can be on one end of the spectrum today and on another tomorrow and all still be within the per view of being a man or woman. Masculine man stand tall, feminine man stand tall, butch queen stand tall, in between man stand tall, fem queen stand tall, bears, stud stand tall, fem stand tall, stem stand tall. All of these types and any that were missed stand tall together. We are the gays and proud of it. We should be celebrated for who we are and what we are. Love and peace to us all.

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Gay Isn’t Traditional

So, the title is meant to encompass the entire community. The LGBTQ+, but that isn’t as catchy as just the simple opening title. Now, lets get into what I mean by this and how it applies to the daily shits of life. Many relationships in the community seems to have a basis in the traditional male and female relationship. There has to be a masculine, dominant one and a submissive more feminine one. Now, most times that is going to come to pass because people are typically split as type A or Alpha people and the type B or submissive people. The natural dynamics of human interaction says that the outgoing person tends to date a more low key type person. The alpha tends to want a submissive type and fill in the blanks in between.

Why is this important? Because too many people assume that the looks of a guy determine what he is in his relationship. That’s usually the funniest and most inaccurate thing that you can judge from. Now yes, there are some guys that will openly show you who they are. But it doesn’t always mean that it follows that script all the time. For example if a feminine dressed or personality type is out in public, most people also assume that he is a bottom and submissive in his relationship. While that sometimes is true, there are more times than not, that it’s not the entire truth. Sometimes he’s the more dominant one and the bottom or the submissive one and the top and sometimes they do both and want both.

Furthermore, when it comes to getting married, there is this assumption that things go traditionally and the engagement as well. Most tend to follow this, but those that are current and present, realize that it isn’t necessary to follow a heterosexual script, because we’re gay not traditional. I’ve long since said that I am not a traditional guy. I don’t intend to have a typical wedding where only one person is being walked down the aisle. Also, I don’t want an engagement where only one of us gets to have that special moment. I think we each deserve to be proposed to and say yes to this engagement. I wish more in the community stopped thinking like we’re the same as straight couples. We have the same rights yes, but we also have the right to make our own dynamics.

One thing that I’ve appreciated so much about my current boyfriend, is that we have embraced the idea of being nontraditional. We agree that each should get their special proposal. We agree that we both should be walked down the aisle by our person of choice. While we do have some dynamics that are similar to hetero couples, such as the masculated and feminated dynamics with regards to character traits, but there can be a blend at times. We have many moments where we both exhibit feminine traits and masculine traits. It’s truly the part of this relationship that makes things unpredictable. Because for us, we both have big personalities. We embrace the fact that there is no ultra male or female here. We know what roles we typically tend to portray and we love who we are.

Being gay is awesome in my opinion. While we are still struggling for acceptance and we struggle as men to be fully accepted, for us it’s amazing. We can write our own rules. We don’t have to play by the norms for society just because someone wants to put us in a box. We have the right to determine what is normal for us and have no problem braking the molds that are predetermined. I hope that many of you out there that are in this community understand this concept. Embrace your difference, love your individualism and reject the urge to be boxed into a group or painted with a broad brush. Gay is not traditional. Gay is not a relic. It is very much so contemporary and progressive and growing. Think of yourself as a blank canvas and paint whatever portrait you want the world and those around you to see.