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Sad Motha Fuckas

Well it’s that time again for me to bring you some truth and reality from my own perspective of course ha!

You know I would like to consider myself a pretty fair dude and definitely one who doesn’t shy away from expressing my like or dislike for individuals. I’m also not shy about expressing my attraction, whether strong or marginal for you. This however, in no way should be confused with any kind of thirst. I think it’s sad that niggas who are cute have been so brainwashed to think that everyone thirsts for them. Because what it’s doing is clouding their vision and boosting they egos wayyyyy too much.

Recently I encountered a former adult male film actor. Like how I dressed that shit up don’t u, lmao. But we started out with a legit business deal, he providing massages for a fee, like all legit hand experts. To be fair it was very professional and amazing. The softest hands and the most gentle touch. But that’s where the story veers left. See while lying on the massage table n my underwear he admitted my ass attracted him. As if that was shock, I thanked him nd he continued the massage.

Next thing I know he’s pulling off my underwear saying he didn’t want any oil gettin on my drawers. I said fine nd the massage continued. He began to now caress my ass real thorough and I could tell he was a bit mesmerized by it. I was right because he had me prop my ass up in the air so he get a better “feel.” Then I feel his tongue sliding my hole. Damn this man can eat some ass!

He does this for a while and that’s where the massage ends, but not the night. After we were done and I was dressed he asked if I would take him to the smoke shop up the street from him. I agreed and we got in my car. While preparing to go nd riding he says that he wouldn’t have normally turned a massage session into a borderline fuck session. But he couldn’t resist, his words not mine. I said it’s fine and then he starts talking about chillin nd how his dick game is. Shocked nd a bit surprised I poked the subject to see where this would go. He says he fucks smooth nd slow, long nd deep. It’s like he knew he was fucking me wit my clothes on.

I said it was interesting maybe one day I could find out if he was legit wit it. This led him to say, “if you got time tonight, I’m free.” I did and so we did. No lie he was a man of his word. He ate me deeply again nd then slid his pretty dick up n me nd stroked me like a fucking king. It was amazing and yet once we finished he didnt want me to leave right away. We kicked it talked, vibedz watched Basketball Wives nd laughed. And we fucked again. Then I went home, cuz by then we were both tired.

We would text daily and we linked up two more occasions, one of which I took him to get himself food before going home. We talked about normal life shit not just let’s fuck shit and when we both were ready for sex, he said pull up and I did. But tragedy struck his life and once I learned of it from him, I asked if he was ok and if he needed anything. He asked: “anything like what?” I said normal shit, just whatever u may need while u grieve. He said he needed some eggs and sausage. I said ok after work I got u. I guess that was too long for him because he had it by time I was off.

So later he asked for something to eat from a fast food place near his house. I said cool I can do that for u. He said ok whenever I have time with a lol behind it. An hour later I asked him what exactly he wanted because he never specified and thats when the shit hit the damn fan. He said he was good because he never wants to feel like someone is doing him a favor. Then he says my response made him feel like he was a nobody and like I was beneath him. Additionally he says, I was thirsty for him but then my slow text response to his two needs made me sketchy.

Now baby battle lines were drawn and you know me I lit back into that ass. I said first off thirsty for u, nigga never. U sexy and ya dick game strong nd ur smart but I dont sweat over a dick or pretty face nd u not my man. Sketchy, as for that as I explained I work two jobs most every day. Means I’m working 12 to 13 hours a day. When I just work one I try to make time for who or what I like but, be clear, I made the extension of concern and need because I cared and wanted to make sure ur okay, knowing you use ur legs and get rides everywhere. So after that was said his response was muted just saying he didnt want talk right now.

Fine I said nd left it alone. Let me be clear, ain’t no nonemotinally invested nigga gone have me thirsty for them. I’m too good for that. I know I can and will find sex better than yours and you’re not the only cute nigga in this city. It’s sad a man been propped up so much he believes his dont stink wayyy too much and thats when I disembark off the train, because fucking with me I will give u a reality check you need. It’s sad a nigga dont know genuine interest from a fan. We talked for hours day 1 and numerous times after about ourselves, personalities and styles and yet you think I’m you’re fan, when I was actually a growing love interest.

Guess he got the lesson thou, everybody dont sweat you, nor do they wait on you and move when you say. Go find them groupies porn star. Maybe that’s just what you need.

Comment vent talk to me y’all. I talk back

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My heart is hurting…

Last year I wrote about losing my first child to abortion. And damn if a few weeks ago, I had the exact same thing happen again. I dont know how to accept this and I dont know what to do with this but wow, I can’t deal with this again. God help me to understand why i needed this a second time?

Four months after thinking that I was going to be a daddy again, it was revealed that the pregnancy was going to be terminated without my input or consultation. I dont really understand why people play around with this shit man. To have your heart torn out of your chest again is just hard to fathom. It makes you have questions about everything man. You dont kno what to believe when you’re blindsided by thwaw things.

I’m not really sure how to recover from things like this. Especially when there are so many things going on. When you lose someone so close and then have to deal with the loss of a child before they saw life, I mean damn. I dont know what to do with this and more importantly I dont know how to release this hurt and pain. I’m at a place in my life now where I have to figure out how to redevelop a sense of myself. How to grow and accept more of lifes challenges and devastations. It affects my trust and comfort of people. It makes me hesitant to want to try to have kids again. As a gay man it’s not like I can just fuck and have a child, I cant. So having had two opportunities and they both get snatched away with real reason, I’m just left to sit and question things.

I am a torn and hurt man. I’m lost in many ways and I dont really know what to make of it. But in time and with patience I will overcome this too. But damn my heart hurts

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Good bye Queen

This is the first time that I’ve posted or talked really in depth about this. On Memorial Day this year I lost my most ardent supporter. I lost my shield, my blanket and my second mother. My grandmother Mary Ellen Trapp passed away at the age of 87. I thank God that I was able to have her for 35 years and it hurts that I dont have her anymore.

She lived a long life and left one hell of a legacy behind. She left 6 beautiful girls and a big huge family of grand, great grand and great great grands behind. She was stern but soft. She was real and maybe too much so. She always spoke her mind and even if you didnt want to hear what she has to say she gone say it.

She carried such a large presence and she loved her family no matter what. Her best moments were being with her family always. Because she didnt have any boys, the first born grandsons got away with everything. And I was definitely at the top of that list.

We would always talk om Sundays. It was our time to just sit and talk. To laugh and catch up, for her to tell me about all the shit that was going on. She always made me laugh and would always end the call letting me know how much she loved me. I miss so much being able to call her and talk to her on Sunday. It’s just not the same.

When she died my heart broke. Nearly 3 months later I’m still shattered. I think so much about all the things she’s said to me. All the tipsy moments we shared. All the heartfelt moments we shared. She was to me a one of a kind woman that will never be duplicated and I dont know that I will ever be the same again.

I always think about the memories. There are so many we shared that I can do nothing but smile. I hear her voice in my head, I see her imposing physique and just smile. In my dreams I know shes still there, but not having her here just still isnt so real. I just dont know how to navigate this challenge. I’m doing it the best I can day by day. Some days I talk some days I dont.

I carry her with me every day. I move forward with the spirit of my grandma in my heart. As she said dont take no wooden nickles and dont accept no cardboard dimes. Lmao, which means take no shit and dont accept just anything. Grandma I promise you I wont. I love you and i miss you.

Rest in heaven queen

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Time to Rally

Ahhhh, another hiatus down, more life challenges happening and plenty to write about. Right now, let’s get down to the business..

Ladies and gentlemen of America, time to organize, rally, pay attention, select a nominee and get that orange bitch out the White House. He is the President but its definitely not of the United States. He is President of the Unites Trumps and that’s a recipe for disaster.

Have you been paying attention to the stories that are not making mainstream headlines? This one should cause members of the LGBTQ+ community concern. The Trump Administration is in court to deny Trangender couples protection from discrimination under Federal law.

Need more, Trump Admin officials now want to change immigration rules to let more financially apt immigrants have priority entrance to the country over the lead educated ones. This administration is also trying to continue to destroy the Affirdable Care Act, aka Obamacare, and remove millions from healthcare they need.

Let’s keep going shall we. We still have a President who is openly siding with foreign governments over his own intelligence community with credible information on these adversaries. We still have a Russia problem and a China problem. Let’s not forget Trumps little Trade War that’s killing the Farmers and hurting Americans and American business.

Trump is also at the very least a White Supremist and at worst a closet racist. Try that on for size for the man that’s supposed to be the President of all America. How the fuck can you have the bull shit media ops in Texas and Ohio after those mass shootings. The things u said after Charlottesville, you’re disgusting remarks about immigrants from impoverished nations, you’re hateful comments about 4 democratic women and calling two of them disgusting.

Now listen I know there will be many who say all of that he’s said is taken out of context. Also many will say he did did wrong with Russia, but Special Counsel outlined least 10 obstruction charges against Trump. They will point to his economy, more specific Wall Street, but people are still struggling and a recession seems looming. But his followers I know dont care.

So ask yourselves this Trumpians, are you okay with him dehumanizing people. Are you okay with him lying about bringing troops home? Are you okay with him cheerleading for racists and white extremists killing people? Yea those rants and nasty comments he makes gives approval to those assholes to kill.

I get it, many of you white people who support Trump didnt want to see the eight years of Barack Obama and you ran to Trump and his racist mantra. Some of you just vote with your party no matter what. And some diverse supports like his policies that constantly change because he protects your money.

Let’s examine facts: he has tried to take your healthcare, he is trying to take away LGBTQ+ rights, his party is on a full assault of Roe v Wade, he made clear he wants foreign help to win, he is a constant liar of the facts. Oh and he is scared that he could be Impeached, which if you follow the money and evidence, he should be removed.

A lot to unpack folks and I more than happy to debate discuss and dissect all this. Comment, let me know your thoughts and I will respond to you.

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The Shits Catch Up To You

We’ve all done some shit in our days that either we knew was wrong or we knew we just shouldn’t do cuz it just wasn’t a good look. And if you haven’t then just keep living and eventually you will.

Most times we do it towards someone or multiple someone’s, lmao, but nonetheless we do something to undercut someone and try to act like we don’t care when the shit hits the fan. In reality, most times we don’t, however there are a select number of people that we know if we ever did that to, we would have big regrets if it wasn’t truly warranted.

I make no bones that I’ve done this a few times along the way, Ha!! And have had to eat my words or actions a few times because I would up needing that same person in short order after showing my ass. Thankfully I had people who didn’t he grudges and were there with open arms and a smart mouth when I needed them.

As far as I go, I’m not that nice, especially if I’ve been there for you through time in ways that few or none others were. If you pull the shit wit me after I’ve been that person to you, you will get my ass to kiss permanently. No, I didn’t say I was a perfect man or Christian. I certainly never pretended to be that nice of a person. I will tell anyone this same warning, if you’re lucky enough to make it in my life for any prolonged period of time, please don’t be wit the shits cuz that will be the end.

Why am I saying all of this? Cuz yesterday one of these types of people I described, decided to try and pop the fuck up in my text messages. See ion change my number cuz I don’t like the giving my number out process, lmao, so if u knew me a decade ago I got the same damn number. All thst was said was Hey, but I was curious as to why the fuck he talking to me..?

Bitch you flaked on me and decided to be my side with my past. You stooped so low as to fuck my past, and tried to be secretive about it. Then, when I try to speak to u about it, you ignore me and tell my past. Then you had the nerve to flex and lie about the shit I did to help yo bitch made ass out so you didn’t taken advantage of. Then you dare to send me that weak shit.

The block function is a motha fucka and I use it with great joy and little hesitation. As I said, when you be on the shits, it will catch up to u. When you fuck over a good person solely so u can get what you, you rue that. You will reap it and still need that person cuz a good bitch wit you is still a good bitch without you.

The lesson, keep the shits to a minimum and never completely burn the bridge. Always leave enough to be able to repair. Cuz once the bridge is gone, you can never build it back.

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The Voices In My Head

Everybody has different ways of coping with pain, stresses, hurts and disappointments of life. Depending on the severity, frequency and who causes these traumas to happen, your ability to cope may be very drastic or very easy.

When I was younger and would endure emotional or mental or physical pain, my recovery from those things was usually pretty swift and seamless. I was able to effectively erase those moments from memory and live like nothing happened.

That’s what I was leading myself to believe. However, the reality is, in truth, what was happening was I was slowly being torn nd broken with each incident. I was making multiple personalities and voices inside me in order to try and protect myself from the people and situations that led to my heartache.

The irony is every time I would do the work to recover and strengthen myself better than before, some shit would happen to blow up the progress made. And you know, it wasn’t because I kept doing the same things, I wasn’t dating the same type person. All the boxes you check, I checked every fucking one. But there I was going through anothter rebuild.

Well this time the shit was as intrusive, invasive and devastating as anything I’ve ever been through. It ripped every thing I worked for, built, sacrificed and put my effort to pieces. And with that came all the different voices and personalities rushing to try and shield me from any more pain, hurt and despair.

I have worked so hard the past 7 and a half months to rebuild myself, from head to toe. Not knowing sometimes how I’m going to eat. Sometimes worries if I’ll be able to take care of myself. Trying to understand who I am today and who I can lean on for support. And you know what, all that work and the job isn’t nearly close to complete.

The voices are strong some days. Some days they take over my brain and my thoughts are erratic and scattered. Emotions and feelings are vast and unfiltered. Raw and intense. Other times, they’re muted and aloof. Withdrawn and reclusive. Then occasionally, I realize that I have made significant progress and I feel a little good about myself.

Just read the last couple paragraphs again and it’s enough to make you feel like you’ve been in a hurricane. It’s just surreal sometimes. From a complete destruction of my personal and professional life, to the details of how I lost my son, to the betrayl of who I thought was a brother and one who was like a protege. All of it sitting on my chest and really no one to truly turn to.

It has bore a man who is sometimes truly lost. No trust in no one. No belief in anybody, no matter the title they currently hold. Sometimes I just detach myself from the world. I don’t wanna be bothered or disturbed. Sometimes to conquer this, I unlock the inner beast and fuck my way out my feelings. I know people have it worse. But trust me I can’t just explain it all and nor do I wanna try. All I know are the voices are getting louder. They are growing bigger and they are starting to take over.

The result of all of this. I have no fuckin clue. I just kno it can only lead to the unknown and that may be the scariest thing of all. I don’t really kno where it bottoms out and turns back up.

Talk to me America

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I Was Wrong.. Kinda

So I’ve spent the past couple days reflecting on the amazing events that occurred on Friday afternoon. Arizona Senator, Jeff Flake, had a real come to Jesus moment with himself which possibly changed the course of history.

Following the emotional and gripping testimony of Dr Balsey Ford and Judge Kavanaugh, it was hard not to come away believing that the Judge was lair. As I sat and watched his performance, because that’s what I think it was, it was hard not to see the striking similarities to all the over predators that get accused. First he says he’s a wholesome man who never did anything out of line. Second, he says well he did things when he was young, but never to the magnitude he’s accused of. Third, he became defiant claiming it was a conspiracy to root him out from the Supreme Court bench.

I watched some of The View on Friday and the picture they showed was stunning. There before Dr Ford were a panel of all White, old men, judging her for her words and demeanor. Amazing, in a country so diverse and rich the people in power are still old, White men. But I also was thinking about the histrionics and antics on display during Judge Kavanaughs testimony. From Senator Graham going full Jerry McGuire, to all those Republican men graveling over themselves to portray the Judge as a victim and the hearing as a farce.

It was then I began to think this was 1993 again and Anita Hill all over. That the Judge was gonna skate by the skin of his teeth and women again would lose. The country would lose and we would be forced to accept that the movement doesn’t apply to priveledged White men. And then Jeff Flake happened. There were grumbling that numerous Senators were deeply troubled by Kavanaugh, suggesting they knew something was foul, but they didn’t have the guts to vote their heart.

Well two women with a story, emotion and courage told Jeff Flake about himself and now we have an effort to find the truth. What a fascinating day it was. What drama and what courage.

America the movement is alive and well

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I’ve Got the Power

There has been an interesting dynamic in the sports world the past few weeks that I wanna explore a little bit. Three examples, one from the NFL, one the NBA and the NCAA Football. Three different institutions with different power dynamics and as always, a lack of equality to a degree.

First, let’s look at Le’Veon Bell of the Pittsburgh Steelers. He has chosen to essentially boycott this season playing the game he says he loves and is passionate about because he didn’t want to accept a one year guaranteed deal for 14.5 million dollars. Instead, wanting to reset the market for his position, Running Back, and for him as a whole, as a athlete not just the leading Running Back.

Context on this requires me to tell you football players in the NFL do not have guaranteed contracts, only their bonus money is guaranteed and the rest can be terminated at any time. So Bell wants to make sure his paper is made before possible injury and/or loss of skill set causes him to not reap the financial benefits of his work.

Now his teammates, in an unusual move, to the start the season commented on his contract situation and urges him to get in and grind wit his fellas and make his money after the season, while still pocketing the 14.5 mil. He is betting on himself and that one owner wants him and the diva personality at his cost. It’s a risky proposition for Le’Veon but he is convinced he has the power and that someone wants him. Time will tell but shows you how much the owners controls the league.

Now on to the NBA, a league where clearly the players have far more power than their brotheran in the NFL. There are two examples here that show you what power is when you’re a player and when your among the stars in your league.

Kawai Leonard bet on his talent and the spectacle of a disgruntled superstar playing for a team and coach he felt no trust for. There was also the possibility that he wouldn’t report and sit out, while banking a shit load of money. The result, he was traded to a team in the opposite conference that has some pieces around them and wants to compete for a title.

Then there is the current situation, Jimmy Butler of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Apparently, he doesn’t like the current crop of young and promising talent on the roster and has decided he is now going to hold out, not report to camp and force the team to trade him. He is also demanding the team trades him to a team of his choosing.

Now here are the facts. He is going to be traded, the owner has already signaled that and is taking offers. But, he won’t go where he wants to go. He has power just not absolute power. Fascinating story how if you’re good enough and your money is guaranteed, you can tell your boss to kiss your ass and he listens.

Finally the most demonstrative show of power is the Ohio State Buckeyes and Head Coach Urban Meyer. The most most blatant and disgusting show of power. The stinch of allowing a coach to keep his job after knowing his assistant coach beat his wife more than once, is awful. But when you’re the most powerful University in the state with people attached to your success you can do what you want.

More importantly, when you’re the coach that runs the team and the powers that be feel you are the second coming and can do no wrong. Plus you keep the huge donations and revenue coming in, you can do just about anything and keep your job.

No Meyer is not responsible for his coaches actions but he is accountable for keeping him around his team. I think it is deplorable and reprehensible but we live in an arena where money can almost get you thru anything. The power is crazy and amazing. Different levels but the dynamics are startling.

In short follow the fucking money

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The Big Setup

As you’ve seen today I’ve returned and entered the public discourse regarding the #MeToo movement. You can read my prior two blogs for a detail of my position on the matter as this blog addresses the spectacle that will unfold tomorrow and the things that have and haven’t occurred already.

I think for all of those who are hoping that tomorrow is a real watershed moment, will be disappointed because this is not that moment. This is nothing more than a shit show, meant to appease people in the movement enough to get a nominee for the post of Supereme Court Judge of the United States confirmed.

Let that last sentence sink in. This testimony given by both parties, Judge Kavamaugh nd Mrs. Ford will be to give the public a little skin in the game and to test the mettle of the politicans on Capitol Hill. See many don’t realize that all the parties who are relevant to this accusers claims will not be present. In large part because the Republicans who run the commitee don’t want to potentially get a shit load of egg on their faces with this nominee.

Second, all the accusers are not going to be present now either. When this deal was first struck it was just one person who came forward, since then two more women, with similar stories, have come out to cry foul by Justice Kavamaugh. Damn, you would think that with the magnitude of this appointment, these Politicans would want to get this right. Or, maybe not.

The President of the United States has already declined to ask the FBI to investigate these claims. Mind you, the Anita Hill investigation took three days. Not to say this one would have take that quick period of time, but if we’re being honest, it’s warranted. The Senate says they are investigating but guess what? The people who are looking into this are the staffers for the Republicans that run the damn confirmation process.. How the fuck does that make sense?

This is difficult for me. Because when I first saw the demands being made by Mrs. Ford I was a bit skeptical of her real motives until, I thought nd realized her lawyer is driving that train not her. Listening to the excerpt from her opening statement she will deliver tomorrow, this lady sounds very real and credible. Conversely Judge Kavanaugh has seemingly altered his stance from the beginning. At first he was a saint who could have never done this. Now he’s a flawed man who made mistakes but not this one.

I’m sorry something is wrong here. Maybe all three are liars, I seriously doubt it. I think there is some fire to the smoke that’s been sent and tomorrow will not expose it all. Maybe it will extinguish them for some and fan them for others. Please make no mistake about it. The allegations here are serious and parents need to be mindful to teach their children why any assault of a woman is wrong and not to be laughed off, dismissed, shamed or ridiculed.

I wish tomorrow was really cultural moment we desired, but when the Republican delegation to the proceedings are all old White men and they had to hire outside counsel, a female lawyer with sexual abuse litigation experience, you can see the tea leaves. I will be fascinated to see what gets said and who is believed. Because I promise we need this debate and discussion to continue.

Talk to me America

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The Ugly Truth

I know some may read this and get a little angry, but if you know me, then you know I don’t care. I’m a provocative writer so emotion is what I want, along with the facts that get written.

I watched and read yesterday as the sentencing portion of Bill Cosby’s day in court happened and I could be nothing but sickened by the entire process and proceeding. Let me explain where I’m coming from.

As previously stated, I am a #MeToo supporter. I am ten toes down for the movement, however this smells and feels like a screw job if I ever seen it. It reminds me of Tiger and how insanely ridiculed he was for doing something millions of White men have done and even been laughed at for doing. Yes I agree it appears Bill is a rapist. He sexually assaulted women in his lifetime. He needed to have justice brought no denying that. But this is bs and a reason I think the movement is jaded.

He’s the man widely regarded as America’s father. The moral compass for many years on tv as Dr Heathcliffe Hucstable. A staple on tv for decades. He delivered tough criticism of the black community and father’s and was not afraid to voice his opinions. And he is Black and now he’s gotten a taste of the biased justice system.

See people have clamored apparently to see this 81 year old man spend the rest of his natural life in jail for his crimes. Whatever side u fall on that’s your rightful opinion to express. My question is why haven’t we done the same to the powerful, rich, White men who have done the same and worse?

This is why I hate the sham that has become the justice of the legal system. Let me give you some names. Harvey Weinstein, Matt Lauer, Charlie Gibson, Les Moonvies, Donald Trump, Kevin Spacey and I can go on and on. Accused and verified stories of sexual assault against women and boys. These men have not and will not get charged or see a day in court. They will continue to live lavishly and privileged. They will get to live their lives freely.

Why is this the dynamic we are faced with in this supposed new era of accountability? Some will say they lost their high profile jobs and were pubically shamed. If that’s all that’s needed to be fair and just, then drop all charges against Bill Cosby, let him go home and never work again. Oh wait, he’s Black and famous so he has to be the example.

I am disgusted by the actions of all the men listed and not listed. They all should have their day in the sun to answer for and atone for their transgressions. But they won’t. It’s the ugly truth that still permeates any discussion. Race matters still just as much as the crime committed. Because let’s be honest, being Black in America is still a crime.

Talk to me America