One of the many things I tell anyone who gets into conversation about living life, gay or straight, mostly gay though, is that you can’t be afraid to be alone. Whether anyone believes it or not, being alone is usually one of the largest reasons people remain in unhealthy, toxic relationships. They aren’t comfortable having to live life by themselves, theoretically. The truth of the matter is most people feel they need to have someone sharing their life, and space, in order to have a complete and full life. I don’t completely disagree with that sentiment, but I’m not fully in favor of it either. I believe there is and can be a happy medium between having your own space and sharing it with someone you love.

Far too often individuals choose to remain a couple with someone they know they’ve fallen out of love with because they don’t really know how to live or lead a life that doesn’t involve someone being there to support them and aid them in all things. Be it financial support, most common, emotional or mental support, that lack of someone there makes people scared and feel as though they must keep a man or woman around, even if they don’t have all of their best intentions for them. I’ve seen it paralyze people to the extent that they reject opportunities for betterment and prosperity in life all because they don’t want to be without, fill in the blank. I’ve yet to understand why that dynamic is so strong and prevalent, but it is and most times what’s forgotten is that if you have a strong circle of friends, or family, you aren’t alone anyway. No, you may not have someone living with you, but your journey is still being shared with people who love and care for you.

Why I feel that once a person understands how to live alone, they are better equipped to be with someone is simple. When you live alone, you have to learn how to live with yourself. You learn your traits, your patterns, your habits. You understand your likes and dislikes, which will make you better at identifying people you could see yourself sharing your space with, be it on a permanent basis or regular/frequent basis. It allows you to discover these things without sacrificing the relationship that you’re in. I believe that when you don’t know how to be with yourself, it impacts your ability to be with someone else. Ultimately, you’re learning yourself while learning and living with someone else at the same time. While this is definitely possible, it usually winds being detrimental because as you learn yourself you change, and what you like and want changes. If you have to learn another person at the same time, it could be that the two of you are changing separately. Be alone and learn you, then introduce someone to your space and see how they fit into your world and you in theirs. Then you can make adjustments and compromises on the things that you feel aren’t critical to who you are.

The truth is for me, I hate being alone when I come home. I’ve done for a long time, and I’ve also been in relationships where me and my partner lived together. That joy and sense of fulfilment when I had that was intoxicating. It was something that I knew I wanted and didn’t want to be without. Sometimes it came at great personal hurt for myself, because at times I had chosen the wrong person to build that life with. When I was younger, I would struggle to end those types of relationships because I hadn’t learned how to be comfortable with being by myself. My mom was always in a relationship, be it married to my father, or being divorced and in relationship with someone else. Right after I came out, my first boyfriend wound up being the first person I lived with. It came less than three months of being together. For two years all I knew was him and building a life together. I was growing and evolving, and so was he. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. The crazy part is for the first 5 years that I was dating, I lived with my partner for 4 of those years. Talk about not learning to live by yourself. It showed itself too. Even in dating, I would want the person to stay the night and be under me, because that’s what I used to and hadn’t learned how to be by myself.

The reality is once I learned that it’s truly ok to be by yourself and I accepted that challenge, I grew even more as a person. I evolved into the human that I feel fits who I am, and it’s allowed me to discover how to remove people quickly who aren’t good for me, to accept that things have a shelf life, and I can’t hold onto it past the expiration date, and that moving on my time is perfectly sufficient. My challenge to everyone is to find that space with being comfortable being by yourself. Learn yourself. Learn your mind, body, emotions, preferences, likes, dislikes and all those things you need to know to make yourself the best version of yourself. It can be painful and lonely at times, but close family and friends that you trust will always be there to occupy that space until you’re ready to let the man or woman in that you want to try and build something with.

I am a person who enjoys a good tease as long as the end result pays off for all involved. See, it is my opinion that a little teasing is good for both people. You get to stir up some trouble and stimulate the mind and the body. What really makes the tease effective is when you both know that what’s going to happen when the two of you get together will make the tease all worth it. What sucks, is when the tease isn’t just a sexual tease, but it’s an emotional one as well. Those are the kind that if both people aren’t on the same page, and both people stop playing the games, that it could lead to continuous emotional trauma. And that is recipe for disaster, better yet, a recipe for mental instability.

There have been a couple situations where I’ve involved with guys and we did the dance. We talked and flirted something serious. Mentally, emotionally, and sexually charging each other up in ways that many have never even began to touch with me. Teetering at the edge of a dynamic union, only to have the bridge collapse because one person decides they only want to do the dance and don’t want to really commit. That’s the thing about being a tease, you can do such a good job that you fuck up the other person once you pull away and that’s more damaging than just being a sexual tease. Truth is most people probably don’t mind a little teasing as long as you don’t go too far, and once you do then all bets are off. For me that’s one thing that I could never wrap my mind around to understand. Why do some people feel that since past people damaged them emotionally and mentally, that the best thing to do is tease and toy with people’s emotions in the present?

You become an expert at finding the right words to say and the rights actions to take in order to make sure that your rouse works the way you want it to. It’s also clear that everyone has different reasons for their actions. Some people tease because they are afraid of being hurt again, so before they do that they would rather get their fix of that emotional feel good, then run away back to their comfortable place. You also have people who do it because it’s what they’ve become use to doing. Put it another way, they know they shit they doing is fucked up, but it’s what makes them feel good about themselves so as the old saying goes “hurt people, hurt people.” To me it’s only one of these two situations that you belong in. Any other type of excuse is just a long hand version of slotting into one of these two dynamics. Unfortunately I’ve been exposed to both types of people. Learning how to handle each type is difficult because there so many different ways to do the same types of things, so you have to take each one separately and dissect them accordingly.

My answer to you all who feel the need to be the constant tease, is to leave me the fuck alone!! I’m tired of attracting the mentally and emotionally damaged guy who wants to be understood or wants to be loved and accepted for the damage they have, so they can helped be healed to become the person they use to be. Don’t use me for that purpose, get a therapist or ask me as a friend for help and don’t try to fuck me with in that way. I’m not your rag doll that you can fuck over, use and throw away once you feel that you are recovered, or you got the fix you needed to carry you to the next time. Case in point, this one asshole use to love to say he want me and I fit the ideal guy he looks for. You know all the same bullshit that so many gays spout out they mouths like they chucking the shell of sunflower seeds. The problem with what he was saying was the actions never measured up. The result of this was his ass got cussed out worse than most and then I blocked him. Only for a couple years to go by and he try to come back and convince me he’s changed. I let three days pass allowing for certain situations to present themselves and I saw the same shit. Suffice to say, no cuss out needed, no words to be spoke, I silently blocked his number and quietly walked away.

The other two iterations of this situation are very similar, only differing in the people and number of years that the rouse went on. One guy, we had a 13 year love affair. Talking, texting and seeing each other off and on. Making sure that when we were on, the world couldn’t stop what were doing. But when he decided he was ready to walk away he disappeared faster than he showed up. Always using some excuse of lack of readiness as his reasoning for why he needed to get a break. Loving the atmosphere he built up. See we had so much history and we knew so much about each other, we knew how to pull the right heart strings to get what we wanted most times. I never wanted to take advantage of this, no matter how much I had been hurt or damaged by others, including him, I never wanted to play the game and not pay it off. I always wanted the end to be what we talked about so many times. Only, it took that long to realize it will only and always be just a tease. Giving me a glimpse of what the present and future would be like if he were serious, disappointed knowing all I get is to sample because the tease is all he cares for.

The second guy, well he doesn’t have as long a history but he knew how to do the right things that pushed the envelope to it’s edge without forcing the contents out of the package. While his personality was direct and sharp, when he was in my presence it was like he became a completely different guy. He would be soft and affectionate. Loving on me just as much as I loved on him. Wanting to just be cuddled up under me the entire time he was with me. Saying things before we link up, like he’s ready to stop playing the games we been playin for the past couple years. He ready to make the next step and move. Only to have the night end and the next day begin and all of sudden he ready to go back to the place that he spent days and days telling me he ready to leave. It took some time for me to understand that this was the tease he wanted to feel. He needed to feel that comfort, peace and affection. He wants to have that feeling of being wanted as much as he wants, and once he gets that feeling, he’s ready to go back to the life of the streets. I tried to give you that and more, but the dance you wanted to play I can’t tolerate anymore.

The long and short is I’m sure we all know these type of people. They can trick you sometimes because the words they say are usually true. They want the love and affection and sex and all the things that come with it. But they don’t want for a long time, you’re jus the short term means to an end.

One of my most talked about principles when it comes to dating and the past, is that there is a time and place for the past to become jus that. Even through the desire to hold on to a friendship and provide that continued support, you have to know when to truly step away from that person and give space and air so you can truly have just the friendship you desire to keep. Or, maybe it’s one of those situations where you have to know when to say enough is enough and walk away for good, no strings left to be attached to. I have always held that concept to be accurate because I thought that no matter what you say or do, when the end comes you have to embrace it. No matter how much it may hurt and be uncomfortable. No matter how hard it is for you to mentally accept and fathom that that person will be loving someone else, touching someone else, fucking someone else, you have to learn to let go. I held very firm to that belief until the past couple years with two specific individuals. Now to be clear, there have been others who have danced around in and out, but when I mean these two have been like my constant always turning over the rock again every few months, it’s serious.

To give back story to each of these men, the first ex that I keep doing the dance with, has been in my life for eleven years. Back to when I was adjusting to so many things changing in my life. He provided a sense of peace and love for me. He accepted all the changes I had going on, and while he didn’t always know how to handle them, he did his best to stand beside me. We had a deep and passionate connection. The issues centered really around self-esteem and self-worth. A lack of both of those on his part led to him doubting his worth and usefulness in our relationship. This was despite numerous talks and efforts to reassure him that his purpose in my life wasn’t around what he could contribute monetarily. Nor was it about how complete of a man he was, knowing that I was still a major work in progress. I just had things figured out a little more and was a little more driven to see my way through the mountains that were placed in front of me. We would eventually separate, as he was certain he needed to learn how to be on his own and do things for himself before he could be fully committed to me. While I never wanted to break up while he figured those things out, he felt that it was best not to have a relationship hanging over his head while he was trying to discover himself and grow into the man he wanted to become.

I fought him to the ground over that decision, but ultimately I had to understand that this was something very personal to him and I had to accept that and allow him to do things his way. In my mind, love doesn’t let you be selfish and hold someone in place for your benefit. You trust that that bond will remain in tact and that when the time is right, if he is meant to be with you, you two will find each other. We went through these starts and stops. Only to see him move away and both of us move on. Finding love in different places, that really wasn’t that lasting love we sought. We would keep up with each other off and on over the years. Trying to rekindle that flame and deal with the different issues that crept up over the years of being apart and having life create more baggage to clean up. Every time we start doing the work, a big blow up or misunderstanding would happen and we would stop talking. Or, he would get too scared of what was happening and run away. Saying that while he loved the idea of being with me and wanted that, that he still wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready to commit to me.

The second man, well he was the last guy I was engaged to be married to. The love affair with him began so innocently, and heated up so quickly. It was like a freight train that I really couldn’t control. He had a very charming and determined mindset and he knew what he wanted. No matter that he was 12 years younger than me, he was set on getting what he wanted, which was me. And honestly, he fit the entire package of what I wanted in a man and I was more than happy to go on the journey with him. We got engaged after only being together for three months, but I had to slow things down in order to make sure we really knew who we were getting in each other and that we weren’t just so swept up in emotion and love that we made a decision that wasn’t truly ready to be made. In total we’ve known each other for 7 years now. Back then, we were nearly inseparable. We spent almost every weekend together and we would have fun dates and amazing times together. He was always the bougie one, wanting to be as politically correct as possible. And that worked for me, because while I’m highly educated and regimented in certain things, I have a very laid back approach most times, so he balanced me out well. The major problems with him stemmed from the need to control everything. I’m not submissive and I can’t be molded to behave like, or think like someone wants me to.

It was so striking to me that for all the commonality we shared and the ease with which we loved each other, there was such a hard push pull on the relationship because that asshole didn’t know when to shut the fuck up and let me be and do me. He was always concerned with what appearance someone else saw in regards to his relationship and the man that he was dating. It was less about there really being an issue, and more about what his family or certain friends would think if they knew about some of my skeletons from the past. There was also this tension from him having a more old school, traditional belief about how a male role was to be portrayed, and me being far more modern, contemporary and worldly in my views. He felt that the man should always have a refined, tailored look. Having a little hair was fine but always well kept and his guy should never have his hair braided. It was too hood and street, no matter that it was very much so a part of our culture. He also felt that his man shouldn’t have a very checkered past, preferring the clean nose to the more experienced person. Well I failed both of those requirements, I liked the options to have my hair braided or worn out, and I had one hell of a checkered past in certain aspects of my personal life.

The truth was professionally and most time emotionally and mentally, we were connected. We shared many of the same beliefs and values about life and how to maneuver through it. When I took him home to meet my family it was nothing for them to like him and approve of my choice in partner. I loved seeing him and my moms and grandma talking and interacting with each other. He made me so proud that I had chosen to be with him and he chose me. That we worked through some of our adversity and had a bond that seemed to be unbreakable. But, his need for perfection and desire to control eventually just became too unbearable for me, and the end came far sooner than I imagined it would. While he tried harder than I did to keep the relationship going, I decided that it was better if we weren’t together until he could figure out how to let go of that need to control his man. I was too independent and strong to be reigned in by anyone, especially if I felt what you were saying didn’t make me better.

Both of these men had special relationships with me and my family. Both my biological family and my gay family. I introduced them both to both sides of my family structure, because I have always been really big on family being important to me. My gay family has meant just as much to me as the one I was born into. My mother really took well to both guys. She had a special bond with the first guy. That nigga opened up to her in a way that he hadn’t even opened up to with me. So I was very appreciative to learn some of the things I did during those talks with the three of us, because I gained a better perspective for him. At the same time, I was so disappointed that he shied away from giving to me and to being more accessible to my gay family. We both talked about how much we wanted a family and how much having a supportive and positive gay family was to us. It hurt that he was so caught up in himself and his faults to be able to commit to the full dynamics of our relationship. Now the second guy, he was the complete opposite. He loved being in that environment with me and my gay family. He went to church with us and out to lunch. He was there for some of our famous dinner parties at my house too.

These events allowed for them to see him and for him to see them as equals and as family. It also though, allowed for my kids to see a little of what I talked about when they would question why we hadn’t pushed forward with marriage yet. They saw some of his perfectionist ways and how he would try to have a little more control over how I conducted myself with my family. While they never disrespected him or said anything wrong to him, they would regularly talk to me about how they had concerns regarding his style and mines. Knowing that I was going to address it anyway and that I wasn’t going to be moved to change unless I felt it was warranted. For all the years since I’ve been in a committed relationship with either of these men, it’s the memories that I have with them over the years and the deep love we shared that never let me fully end their chapters of love in my book. I always held commas for both of them, not wanting to fold my hand and walk away just yet. Always feeling that if I gave them enough time to figure things out, which allowed me time to continue to work on me to always present the best and true version of myself, we would figure this thing out. At least one of them would be ready to move past all the travails of the past and find our rightful places together in the future.

See I was going against everything that I’ve told my kids and friends to do. I allowed myself to keep going back to the well. To see them as potential last loves and forever partners. The truth is I probably should have stuck to my rules regarding the past a couple of years ago with both of them. Allowing myself to keep the wonderful friendships we formed and nothing more. Giving enough air and breath to the situation so we could fully heal ourselves to close the door to a love relationship and keep the friendship in tact. Instead here we are today, both of these men tried to get back into the space in my heart and I opened the door for each of them. Allowing them to show me who they are today so I can decide which is the one for me. Not really knowing if this would the last time I would renig on my promise to myself again about letting the past truly be the past, unless they show you they are the best thing for your future. And so what is the truth about this time and today versus the past. Fact is that the issues are different, but the outcome is the same.

The first guy has done all the things he said he was going to do. He has established himself and gotten his life in order. He is in a positive place in his life. He is also divorced. He got married to someone who couldn’t do half the things that I could for him. He wasn’t half the man I was and yet he made him his first husband. He admitted to me that he made a mistake but found something in the man he couldn’t resist. Though he couldn’t help provide and he called me for financial assistance, he was all in with the guy, until it burned deep in flames. He came back to be numerous times, and this time I finally allowed myself to fully address all the issues that plagued us. I let my guard down to let him in again as he asked. We were working on all the things we said we wanted to see from each other in order to build a new foundation of love that would take us into forever. I gave him the consistent phone conversation time he was seeking and then he flipped the script. Once I gave him all of what he was asking for, now he has become a ghost. Seemingly running away again, and from what this time I have no fucking clue. No calls in four days, no texts in two days. I’ve called him numerous times in different times of day only to get no answer. I texted him throughout the day, to get no answer. So now I ask what next.. and my answer is simple… I will give you what I said I gave to everyone else, the period next to your name. The chapter of love in my book will now close for you. Friend you may remain, but lover you will never be again.

The second guy naturally took a slightly different approach. Our path has been much harder and emotionally challenging. We’ve addressed the issues we had and I can see that time has allowed him to have grown to having a much more varied view of life and relationships. No longer does he hold to some of those old ass traditional beliefs. He doesn’t try to control me, but he is always trying to make sure he can control the situations that involve us. He tries not to allow a conversation to get too emotional or deep. He avoids having to fully address topics that involve him being vulnerable and expose his feelings too deeply. He tells me that he is scared of my mouth and anger when we talk and he says something that I have a strong disagreement to because I don’t filter what I say and his feelings can get hurt some what easily. Understanding that I worked on being less expressive verbally. Not changing what I say, just how much or how frequently I say something and that worked well. One day he comes out the blue and said to me why don’t we get married. Very passive and I thought he was being funny. I laughed and asked was he serious, he said he was.

It was then that I told him I needed time and we would address the situation again at a later date, once I had time to really process what was being asked and whether I thought we were ready for something like that. Why that surprised me so much is that we still haven’t seen each other since I moved back to Atlanta three years ago. So I don’t understand why you want to marry me and we haven’t even had time to see what the actual vibe and energy is like again in person. After a few weeks, we finally discussed that idea. I told him that in order for me to really consider it and marry him, he needed to really do one thing for me: He had to open himself up and become vulnerable with me again. That meant seeing each other and spending time together, getting deeper into conversations and letting me see how evolved he is in his processes. It was agreed and we had set a day to see each other of last Thursday. Well when that day arrived the bullshit began from jump. After I was off work and able to meet up, he came with the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard. He said that he was unable to follow through because financially he wasn’t making the huge salary he thought, even though he just brought a house 9 months ago and you live with family so you aren’t paying a majority of bills. Despite you telling me how much you’re hanging out with your friends and going to dinners you are paying for. But you weren’t ready just to see me because your mental was fucked up cuz your bag not full as you want.

If he was staying home and not really doing shit, I would’ve accepted his reasoning. But know that just a few days before you was out in the streets with your friends and shit, that pissed me the fuck off. I’m proud of myself for how I reacted though. Rather than fire off a strong ass message or phone call, I decided just not to say shit. I left it alone with a simple okay. Knowing that he knows me well enough to know shit ain’t gravy with us. As the days have past, I have thought about it and I’ve decided his fate must meet that of my other ex. The comma is erased from you and the period is placed. The book closes on the chapter of love with you and maybe the era of friendship has arrived. Different in all ways from that of lover or potential lover.

It hurts me to do this twice in a week with two guys that I truly loved with all my heart. It makes me have continued doubts about myself and makes me have to rebuild my own self-esteem. I keep asking myself why if I’m so everything these men want, do I get dismissed and fucked over when I finally relent and give them all that they ask for. When I hold something back, they keep coming for it. The minute I show them all of what they want to see, they run and claim they’re not ready. That their mental isn’t right, that emotionally they aren’t ready to commit. But weren’t you just saying last week, you want me to let my guard down. All this shit and now I have to walk away. I know when to do this and I see that the time is now. Forever my love will be with you, but today I fold and walk away.

Part of the problem with dating in the gay community, particularly the Black Gay community, is that no one really wants to be real and open with themselves and their feelings. Clearly this doesn’t apply to all people and in all places, but it is especially for folks who live in major metropolitan cities that are highly attractive tourist cities. There is this seemingly invisible, but very noticeable, atmosphere of fakeness. In short, so many niggas feel like they either have to stunt, pretend or manipulate their way through relationships. Willing to do emotional, mental and in some cases, physical trauma to a person in order to get what they want. Or to make sure that they’re never “missing out” on the next hot thing they see. It is the sad truth, that more often than not, gays like to be hoes. They like to feel like they’re the shit because they can get lots of dick or ass at any time, rather than feeling great knowing that that’s out there, but someone wants to take the time to know them and try to build something special and meaningful with them.

I think part of that struggle to get real and be real is because so many guys now are willing to have long term friends with benefits, and there is now a huge increase of open relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Essentially creating the space for a man to have what he wants. To be able to have more than one guy that they are dating and fucking and it all be above board. It allows the hoe to be a hoe, while also giving himself a little sense of security, because they have one or multiple that are their consistent sex and emotionally connected person. Missing are the days where guys really want to have something consistent. Something that takes time and effort and makes you have to show your true self in order to get what it is that you want. It is truly my opinion that because so many guys who want something real, come across all these liars and fakes, they eventually grow tired and allow themselves to just have casual interests, while waiting for the real one to come along. The tricky thing about that though is if you aren’t careful you become just what it is that you didn’t want.

The reality of what I notice is that it’s hard to come across people who are willing to tell you the truth and let that stand for itself. They rather tell a room full of lies and misrepresentations, when the simple truth will do. If all you want is sex with no strings say that from jump. If you’re looking for friends with sex privileges, then let that be known from jump as well. Don’t sit and give the lip service, you know you want to find someone special or you not trying to rush into anything; knowing that what you really mean is you just want to fuck and leave the emotions and attachments for another day if ever. The truth of the matter is you will attract what it is that your energy gives off. You can say all day long that you want the real thing, but if you’re vibes and energy don’t say that, you’re likely to come across mostly people who just want to fuck . Or those who to fuck and get financial benefits from you. It is very interesting just how many people say they want a guy but really they want the perks of the guy without really putting themselves into the situation.

The other unfortunate thing that comes from these currents dealings in a lot of places across the country is guys taking advantage of the getting to know you process. You know how that goes, you get a bottom who says they don’t want the usual shit. They don’t wanna Netflix and chill or nothing, they want to be takes on a date or dates. They want more than just the typical interaction. And while that can be true at times, it’s also true that usually means they’re going to use the person for what they can get. if they’re willing to spend a little money to make them feel special, they will try to ride that out for as long as they can. Or the reverse can be true as well. Guys now give the sob story of how they have no one to help them. That they work hard but are always broke. Never having money of their own for anything because they always spend it on “bills”. And again, this can be a logical and reasonable situation, but all too often it’s not. It’s just the latest scheme for a guy to get money out of people for their own benefit. And if the guy is real, he will peep that bull shit and just simply walk away, if he’s not or he’s desperate, well… ya pockets gone get touched up a little bit.

I don’t judge anybody for what they choose to do because it’s not my business to judge how you make your life choices. In this case, I’m just issuing words of advice… if you want to be a hoe be that, if you want to fuck around with a couple people do that, if you want to be a hopeless romantic lover, be that. No matter which path you choose and how you choose to operate in your personal life, just be authentic. Be real about your shit. It’s the thing that separates respect from disgust. I’m easy to admit that I can be a hoe, I can let you be my friend with benefits or I can cuff you. It’s all subject to what energy you give me. It depends on what you show me, more than what you tell me. As I told someone earlier, I do whatever I want whenever I want, until such time that someone decides they want to have my time and I feel they are worth it. They give me honesty and transparency that entices me to want to know more, have more, be more. I’m sure many of you feel the same way and once you announce that to the world, then you allow for all of your options to present themselves transparent and open, the choice then becomes yours.