lifestyle

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What’s Your Status

Still one of the most touchy subjects in Gay community is people being open and honest about their status. Even though we’re in the year 2021 and the medical advances are substantial, it is still the forbidden fruit for many to be honest about their medical situation. The irony about that is we now have medicines that make someone who does have HIV, be able to not pass the virus to a partner, once they’re undetectable for longer than six consecutive months. Additionally, for those who are negative who like that skin to skin, or raw, action, there is Prep that helps to protect people against catching the virus if they’re fucking people and aren’t fully certain of their status. After all these years, why is it that the community at large, still seems to be so paralyzed by someone who has HIV but takes care of himself. Why is it that a person will far more readily accept someone simply saying their negative, as opposed to taking someone who is being honest saying they’re positive and undetectable?

The concern for health in the Black Gay community is real, but it also is misrepresented also. It is really interesting just how stigmatizing people are still with someone who tells their truth about their health status. I think it’s honorable for someone to come clean and tell the truth about that. What it does it give the other person the opportunity to make a fully informed decision as to whether or not they want to sexually lay with you. And to that end, I honestly feel like the reason most don’t want to accept someone who is positive is because so many gay men love to have raw sex. They like how it feels and the like to be freaky with their sex lives. They usually like having multiple sex partners and group sex links. Things that aren’t really conducive to safe sex practices or healthy sex practices. To me, the truth about that is so many people are afraid of living their true selves. They live the double persona and want to portray an image of being extra careful and cautious, while on the other side, they’re a bedroom freak.

The stigma associated with HIV and the lying done by people trying to portray the “good boy” I think has led to so many people feeling ashamed to be open about who they are. Now, for those who are taking their medicine daily and taking care of their bodies, they pose very little to no threat to those who are negative. It’s the guys who are positive and aren’t taking their medicine and taking care of themselves that are the challenge. Because they feel a sense of shame and lack of self-esteem, they tend to hide their truth and those are the ones who are continuing to spread this disease hand over fist in the community. There is such this lack of compassion and empathy for someone who has an illness that can be contained. The missing links are education and compassion. If you ask someone to tell the truth about their status, be real and mature enough to accept the answer and not make them feel like shit. You never know what they went through to get the virus. You never know if they were raped or abused or anything that led to it happening.

Now don’t get me mistaken, I’m not saying that you have to accept them and keep talking to or dating them. That is each individual’s choice and you have to decide how much you want to take different precautions to protect yourself and your partner. To be fair, there are many people in the community who are open minded and compassionate and welcoming. If you find one of these type people, appreciate them and don’t abuse their love and compassion for you. It’s also my belief that people who do accept positive men, get done wrong by them so often because that positive person usually expect that equal treatment, so they abuse it. Which we all know friends talk to their friends and it leads even more so to the divide in the community. Living in this community for as long as I have, I’ve seen all sides of the spectrum. I fully believe that when we have people being open and honest, and we have compassion we can make any issue a learning and bonding moment and not a dividing moment.

The Gay community has the potential to be amazing and it can be such a fun and loving place. But, it can also be a place that tears you down and destroys your self esteem. No matter what issue you’re dealing with, you have to always remember that the illness is part of you, it doesn’t define you. Take care of yourself, love yourself, take care of your mental and you can be as accepted as you desire. Not all will open their arms to you, but they don’t need to. Love hard on those who genuinely love on you and the rest will fall into place. Know your status and have a plan.

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Know When to Fold and Walk Away

One of my most talked about principles when it comes to dating and the past, is that there is a time and place for the past to become jus that. Even through the desire to hold on to a friendship and provide that continued support, you have to know when to truly step away from that person and give space and air so you can truly have just the friendship you desire to keep. Or, maybe it’s one of those situations where you have to know when to say enough is enough and walk away for good, no strings left to be attached to. I have always held that concept to be accurate because I thought that no matter what you say or do, when the end comes you have to embrace it. No matter how much it may hurt and be uncomfortable. No matter how hard it is for you to mentally accept and fathom that that person will be loving someone else, touching someone else, fucking someone else, you have to learn to let go. I held very firm to that belief until the past couple years with two specific individuals. Now to be clear, there have been others who have danced around in and out, but when I mean these two have been like my constant always turning over the rock again every few months, it’s serious.

To give back story to each of these men, the first ex that I keep doing the dance with, has been in my life for eleven years. Back to when I was adjusting to so many things changing in my life. He provided a sense of peace and love for me. He accepted all the changes I had going on, and while he didn’t always know how to handle them, he did his best to stand beside me. We had a deep and passionate connection. The issues centered really around self-esteem and self-worth. A lack of both of those on his part led to him doubting his worth and usefulness in our relationship. This was despite numerous talks and efforts to reassure him that his purpose in my life wasn’t around what he could contribute monetarily. Nor was it about how complete of a man he was, knowing that I was still a major work in progress. I just had things figured out a little more and was a little more driven to see my way through the mountains that were placed in front of me. We would eventually separate, as he was certain he needed to learn how to be on his own and do things for himself before he could be fully committed to me. While I never wanted to break up while he figured those things out, he felt that it was best not to have a relationship hanging over his head while he was trying to discover himself and grow into the man he wanted to become.

I fought him to the ground over that decision, but ultimately I had to understand that this was something very personal to him and I had to accept that and allow him to do things his way. In my mind, love doesn’t let you be selfish and hold someone in place for your benefit. You trust that that bond will remain in tact and that when the time is right, if he is meant to be with you, you two will find each other. We went through these starts and stops. Only to see him move away and both of us move on. Finding love in different places, that really wasn’t that lasting love we sought. We would keep up with each other off and on over the years. Trying to rekindle that flame and deal with the different issues that crept up over the years of being apart and having life create more baggage to clean up. Every time we start doing the work, a big blow up or misunderstanding would happen and we would stop talking. Or, he would get too scared of what was happening and run away. Saying that while he loved the idea of being with me and wanted that, that he still wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready to commit to me.

The second man, well he was the last guy I was engaged to be married to. The love affair with him began so innocently, and heated up so quickly. It was like a freight train that I really couldn’t control. He had a very charming and determined mindset and he knew what he wanted. No matter that he was 12 years younger than me, he was set on getting what he wanted, which was me. And honestly, he fit the entire package of what I wanted in a man and I was more than happy to go on the journey with him. We got engaged after only being together for three months, but I had to slow things down in order to make sure we really knew who we were getting in each other and that we weren’t just so swept up in emotion and love that we made a decision that wasn’t truly ready to be made. In total we’ve known each other for 7 years now. Back then, we were nearly inseparable. We spent almost every weekend together and we would have fun dates and amazing times together. He was always the bougie one, wanting to be as politically correct as possible. And that worked for me, because while I’m highly educated and regimented in certain things, I have a very laid back approach most times, so he balanced me out well. The major problems with him stemmed from the need to control everything. I’m not submissive and I can’t be molded to behave like, or think like someone wants me to.

It was so striking to me that for all the commonality we shared and the ease with which we loved each other, there was such a hard push pull on the relationship because that asshole didn’t know when to shut the fuck up and let me be and do me. He was always concerned with what appearance someone else saw in regards to his relationship and the man that he was dating. It was less about there really being an issue, and more about what his family or certain friends would think if they knew about some of my skeletons from the past. There was also this tension from him having a more old school, traditional belief about how a male role was to be portrayed, and me being far more modern, contemporary and worldly in my views. He felt that the man should always have a refined, tailored look. Having a little hair was fine but always well kept and his guy should never have his hair braided. It was too hood and street, no matter that it was very much so a part of our culture. He also felt that his man shouldn’t have a very checkered past, preferring the clean nose to the more experienced person. Well I failed both of those requirements, I liked the options to have my hair braided or worn out, and I had one hell of a checkered past in certain aspects of my personal life.

The truth was professionally and most time emotionally and mentally, we were connected. We shared many of the same beliefs and values about life and how to maneuver through it. When I took him home to meet my family it was nothing for them to like him and approve of my choice in partner. I loved seeing him and my moms and grandma talking and interacting with each other. He made me so proud that I had chosen to be with him and he chose me. That we worked through some of our adversity and had a bond that seemed to be unbreakable. But, his need for perfection and desire to control eventually just became too unbearable for me, and the end came far sooner than I imagined it would. While he tried harder than I did to keep the relationship going, I decided that it was better if we weren’t together until he could figure out how to let go of that need to control his man. I was too independent and strong to be reigned in by anyone, especially if I felt what you were saying didn’t make me better.

Both of these men had special relationships with me and my family. Both my biological family and my gay family. I introduced them both to both sides of my family structure, because I have always been really big on family being important to me. My gay family has meant just as much to me as the one I was born into. My mother really took well to both guys. She had a special bond with the first guy. That nigga opened up to her in a way that he hadn’t even opened up to with me. So I was very appreciative to learn some of the things I did during those talks with the three of us, because I gained a better perspective for him. At the same time, I was so disappointed that he shied away from giving to me and to being more accessible to my gay family. We both talked about how much we wanted a family and how much having a supportive and positive gay family was to us. It hurt that he was so caught up in himself and his faults to be able to commit to the full dynamics of our relationship. Now the second guy, he was the complete opposite. He loved being in that environment with me and my gay family. He went to church with us and out to lunch. He was there for some of our famous dinner parties at my house too.

These events allowed for them to see him and for him to see them as equals and as family. It also though, allowed for my kids to see a little of what I talked about when they would question why we hadn’t pushed forward with marriage yet. They saw some of his perfectionist ways and how he would try to have a little more control over how I conducted myself with my family. While they never disrespected him or said anything wrong to him, they would regularly talk to me about how they had concerns regarding his style and mines. Knowing that I was going to address it anyway and that I wasn’t going to be moved to change unless I felt it was warranted. For all the years since I’ve been in a committed relationship with either of these men, it’s the memories that I have with them over the years and the deep love we shared that never let me fully end their chapters of love in my book. I always held commas for both of them, not wanting to fold my hand and walk away just yet. Always feeling that if I gave them enough time to figure things out, which allowed me time to continue to work on me to always present the best and true version of myself, we would figure this thing out. At least one of them would be ready to move past all the travails of the past and find our rightful places together in the future.

See I was going against everything that I’ve told my kids and friends to do. I allowed myself to keep going back to the well. To see them as potential last loves and forever partners. The truth is I probably should have stuck to my rules regarding the past a couple of years ago with both of them. Allowing myself to keep the wonderful friendships we formed and nothing more. Giving enough air and breath to the situation so we could fully heal ourselves to close the door to a love relationship and keep the friendship in tact. Instead here we are today, both of these men tried to get back into the space in my heart and I opened the door for each of them. Allowing them to show me who they are today so I can decide which is the one for me. Not really knowing if this would the last time I would renig on my promise to myself again about letting the past truly be the past, unless they show you they are the best thing for your future. And so what is the truth about this time and today versus the past. Fact is that the issues are different, but the outcome is the same.

The first guy has done all the things he said he was going to do. He has established himself and gotten his life in order. He is in a positive place in his life. He is also divorced. He got married to someone who couldn’t do half the things that I could for him. He wasn’t half the man I was and yet he made him his first husband. He admitted to me that he made a mistake but found something in the man he couldn’t resist. Though he couldn’t help provide and he called me for financial assistance, he was all in with the guy, until it burned deep in flames. He came back to be numerous times, and this time I finally allowed myself to fully address all the issues that plagued us. I let my guard down to let him in again as he asked. We were working on all the things we said we wanted to see from each other in order to build a new foundation of love that would take us into forever. I gave him the consistent phone conversation time he was seeking and then he flipped the script. Once I gave him all of what he was asking for, now he has become a ghost. Seemingly running away again, and from what this time I have no fucking clue. No calls in four days, no texts in two days. I’ve called him numerous times in different times of day only to get no answer. I texted him throughout the day, to get no answer. So now I ask what next.. and my answer is simple… I will give you what I said I gave to everyone else, the period next to your name. The chapter of love in my book will now close for you. Friend you may remain, but lover you will never be again.

The second guy naturally took a slightly different approach. Our path has been much harder and emotionally challenging. We’ve addressed the issues we had and I can see that time has allowed him to have grown to having a much more varied view of life and relationships. No longer does he hold to some of those old ass traditional beliefs. He doesn’t try to control me, but he is always trying to make sure he can control the situations that involve us. He tries not to allow a conversation to get too emotional or deep. He avoids having to fully address topics that involve him being vulnerable and expose his feelings too deeply. He tells me that he is scared of my mouth and anger when we talk and he says something that I have a strong disagreement to because I don’t filter what I say and his feelings can get hurt some what easily. Understanding that I worked on being less expressive verbally. Not changing what I say, just how much or how frequently I say something and that worked well. One day he comes out the blue and said to me why don’t we get married. Very passive and I thought he was being funny. I laughed and asked was he serious, he said he was.

It was then that I told him I needed time and we would address the situation again at a later date, once I had time to really process what was being asked and whether I thought we were ready for something like that. Why that surprised me so much is that we still haven’t seen each other since I moved back to Atlanta three years ago. So I don’t understand why you want to marry me and we haven’t even had time to see what the actual vibe and energy is like again in person. After a few weeks, we finally discussed that idea. I told him that in order for me to really consider it and marry him, he needed to really do one thing for me: He had to open himself up and become vulnerable with me again. That meant seeing each other and spending time together, getting deeper into conversations and letting me see how evolved he is in his processes. It was agreed and we had set a day to see each other of last Thursday. Well when that day arrived the bullshit began from jump. After I was off work and able to meet up, he came with the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard. He said that he was unable to follow through because financially he wasn’t making the huge salary he thought, even though he just brought a house 9 months ago and you live with family so you aren’t paying a majority of bills. Despite you telling me how much you’re hanging out with your friends and going to dinners you are paying for. But you weren’t ready just to see me because your mental was fucked up cuz your bag not full as you want.

If he was staying home and not really doing shit, I would’ve accepted his reasoning. But know that just a few days before you was out in the streets with your friends and shit, that pissed me the fuck off. I’m proud of myself for how I reacted though. Rather than fire off a strong ass message or phone call, I decided just not to say shit. I left it alone with a simple okay. Knowing that he knows me well enough to know shit ain’t gravy with us. As the days have past, I have thought about it and I’ve decided his fate must meet that of my other ex. The comma is erased from you and the period is placed. The book closes on the chapter of love with you and maybe the era of friendship has arrived. Different in all ways from that of lover or potential lover.

It hurts me to do this twice in a week with two guys that I truly loved with all my heart. It makes me have continued doubts about myself and makes me have to rebuild my own self-esteem. I keep asking myself why if I’m so everything these men want, do I get dismissed and fucked over when I finally relent and give them all that they ask for. When I hold something back, they keep coming for it. The minute I show them all of what they want to see, they run and claim they’re not ready. That their mental isn’t right, that emotionally they aren’t ready to commit. But weren’t you just saying last week, you want me to let my guard down. All this shit and now I have to walk away. I know when to do this and I see that the time is now. Forever my love will be with you, but today I fold and walk away.

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Heart Chronicles – Real equals Real

Part of the problem with dating in the gay community, particularly the Black Gay community, is that no one really wants to be real and open with themselves and their feelings. Clearly this doesn’t apply to all people and in all places, but it is especially for folks who live in major metropolitan cities that are highly attractive tourist cities. There is this seemingly invisible, but very noticeable, atmosphere of fakeness. In short, so many niggas feel like they either have to stunt, pretend or manipulate their way through relationships. Willing to do emotional, mental and in some cases, physical trauma to a person in order to get what they want. Or to make sure that they’re never “missing out” on the next hot thing they see. It is the sad truth, that more often than not, gays like to be hoes. They like to feel like they’re the shit because they can get lots of dick or ass at any time, rather than feeling great knowing that that’s out there, but someone wants to take the time to know them and try to build something special and meaningful with them.

I think part of that struggle to get real and be real is because so many guys now are willing to have long term friends with benefits, and there is now a huge increase of open relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Essentially creating the space for a man to have what he wants. To be able to have more than one guy that they are dating and fucking and it all be above board. It allows the hoe to be a hoe, while also giving himself a little sense of security, because they have one or multiple that are their consistent sex and emotionally connected person. Missing are the days where guys really want to have something consistent. Something that takes time and effort and makes you have to show your true self in order to get what it is that you want. It is truly my opinion that because so many guys who want something real, come across all these liars and fakes, they eventually grow tired and allow themselves to just have casual interests, while waiting for the real one to come along. The tricky thing about that though is if you aren’t careful you become just what it is that you didn’t want.

The reality of what I notice is that it’s hard to come across people who are willing to tell you the truth and let that stand for itself. They rather tell a room full of lies and misrepresentations, when the simple truth will do. If all you want is sex with no strings say that from jump. If you’re looking for friends with sex privileges, then let that be known from jump as well. Don’t sit and give the lip service, you know you want to find someone special or you not trying to rush into anything; knowing that what you really mean is you just want to fuck and leave the emotions and attachments for another day if ever. The truth of the matter is you will attract what it is that your energy gives off. You can say all day long that you want the real thing, but if you’re vibes and energy don’t say that, you’re likely to come across mostly people who just want to fuck . Or those who to fuck and get financial benefits from you. It is very interesting just how many people say they want a guy but really they want the perks of the guy without really putting themselves into the situation.

The other unfortunate thing that comes from these currents dealings in a lot of places across the country is guys taking advantage of the getting to know you process. You know how that goes, you get a bottom who says they don’t want the usual shit. They don’t wanna Netflix and chill or nothing, they want to be takes on a date or dates. They want more than just the typical interaction. And while that can be true at times, it’s also true that usually means they’re going to use the person for what they can get. if they’re willing to spend a little money to make them feel special, they will try to ride that out for as long as they can. Or the reverse can be true as well. Guys now give the sob story of how they have no one to help them. That they work hard but are always broke. Never having money of their own for anything because they always spend it on “bills”. And again, this can be a logical and reasonable situation, but all too often it’s not. It’s just the latest scheme for a guy to get money out of people for their own benefit. And if the guy is real, he will peep that bull shit and just simply walk away, if he’s not or he’s desperate, well… ya pockets gone get touched up a little bit.

I don’t judge anybody for what they choose to do because it’s not my business to judge how you make your life choices. In this case, I’m just issuing words of advice… if you want to be a hoe be that, if you want to fuck around with a couple people do that, if you want to be a hopeless romantic lover, be that. No matter which path you choose and how you choose to operate in your personal life, just be authentic. Be real about your shit. It’s the thing that separates respect from disgust. I’m easy to admit that I can be a hoe, I can let you be my friend with benefits or I can cuff you. It’s all subject to what energy you give me. It depends on what you show me, more than what you tell me. As I told someone earlier, I do whatever I want whenever I want, until such time that someone decides they want to have my time and I feel they are worth it. They give me honesty and transparency that entices me to want to know more, have more, be more. I’m sure many of you feel the same way and once you announce that to the world, then you allow for all of your options to present themselves transparent and open, the choice then becomes yours.

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Heart Chronicles – A Liars Truth

I don’t know if this will apply to anyone who reads this, but maybe you know someone like this or you’ve been the recipient of this type of situation. There is a reality that I’ve learned about someone who has lied to you on an important level, that to me is funny and at the same time disturbing. A liar feels that once they’ve found their conscious to tell you the truth that they shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your energy after being told the truth, because they’ve already had to deal with their own issues and feelings about the situation. It’s like they feel entitled to be let off the hook from any further consequence, like ok they admitted to the truth so give them credit and let the situation die. I don’t know who told them that, but that has got to be the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever seen. Admitting that you lied isn’t the get out of jail free card. It is the start of maybe being forgiven, and working your way towards being trusted again. The truth starts that process towards healing and having real openness, not you feeling vindicated and just simply moving forward.

Something else that learned about a liar’s truth, is they may not accept all of what them telling the truth means. They don’t necessarily accept that there are emotional pains that need to be healed from the lies. When you lie about serious matters and then come clean, it creates a ripple effect that takes time to recover from, if you ever recover. The trust that’s lost may never return, and just as importantly, the emotional scars you caused by hiding the truth and just expecting your honesty to remove whatever damage you caused is totally unrealistic. I don’t understand why someone who lied feels that they can just snap their fingers with the truth and magically everything is back to normal. You have to do some work to try and gain back what was lost. The vibe is completely fucked up, the energy is off balance, and your mind is no where near stable. Your heart is most likely torn too, because you gave it to someone thinking that they’re going to protect it and cherish it. Instead, they decide to hurt it and tear it apart. Do people think about the full consequences of their act of lying? Is it that you think the truth is more hurtful that those lies you’re about to tell. Or is it that you’re too selfish and don’t want to lose someone?

The worst thing that a liar can do is tell the truth and then shut the conversation off because they don’t want to hear how they’ve made the person feel. It is a cowards way out to me and it also shows how little respect you have for the feelings of the person you’ve been lying to. How can you expect to turn the page and maintain anything of substance if you don’t allow the person to fully express how they feel. It all rings of selfishness in my mind and there really isn’t way to spin it to say it is anything different. If anyone says, oh I lied to protect you because I didn’t think you could handle knowing the truth, you’re just covering up the fact that you knew if you told the truth the person would stop fucking wit yo lame ass. It wasn’t that you lied to protect them, you lied to protect yourself. You knew that you would be on the outs and lose out on someone that was good for you, so you hid that shit so you could keep what you got. The problem is either your conscious or the pressure of keeping up them lies would get the best of you at some point. That is if you really care about the person, you’re not going to want to keep lying to them or hiding shit from them. If you’re just narcistic. In that case, you will keep lying to protect your ass.

Come to think of it, I’m almost sure that most everyone has dealt with this in some fashion with someone close to them in life. Be it a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend or family member. You know how you felt when the truth was finally told to you. You know that sickening feeling that you got in your stomach. You know how angry and hurt it made you to know that that person would lie to you about something important and significant. I’m sure in the moments that followed you questioned that person, their loyalty to you and whether or not you could trust them. I just really wonder why so many liars feel they’re entitled to coming clean and not having to hear about it though. Like you really feel that you should get a medal for telling the truth. You know, the thing that you’re supposed to do anyway. If you had done that to begin with, there wouldn’t be a need for the moment in the first place. As I found myself in this situation not too long ago, I sat thinking all the things that I’ve written about today. My conclusion for my situation is that the nigga was selfish and only wanted to think about him and what he wanted. Little does he know, it is all coming to an end, sooner than he realizes.

Like, comment, discuss with your people. Tell the truth.

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Heart Chronicles – You Say We’re Friends

This has been eating away at me for a little bit of time now and I guess now is as good of a time as any to really release these feelings and thoughts. I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure out, what is really a friend and who in my life really fits that image. It’s funny, for as long as I can remember I’ve never really struggled to have what you would call friends. As a child I made friends easily and seemingly effortlessly. It was pretty easy to tell that we had a real friendship at that time. How you say? Because those people were always around me and I was always around them too. It didn’t matter if I moved away from the neighborhood or we into the normal dumb arguments that friends have, we were always going to wind up right back around each other before too much time passed. And the biggest thing about it was that it very rarely one sided. Meaning, my friends would call and come see about me just as much as I would see about them. It was a mutual understanding of friendship and brotherhood/sisterhood. Never to be too far away from each other. Never allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose track of each other. Those were the easier days too I suppose. No responsibility really, just school, homework and playing. No kids, or careers/ jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends to really disrupt the circle too much.

What inevitably happens though, is we get older and the roads we take in life separate us sometimes. Some move out of state for college, or just to start life elsewhere. Some get married, have kids and settle down, which means their friend group is going to change. A married person with kids definitely tends to connect with other married or parenting type folks. They have more in common and have a better idea of how to offer the support needed during the child raising and marital life situations. So it is understandable that friendships grow and develop on some levels and they shrink or become estranged on other levels. Yet, I am one person who believes that real true friendships withstand all of those things. When it is someone who has shared your life intimately and have become like family, they don’t just get swept out and away. You just don’t forget them or push them out of the routine of your life. That’s what I thought, maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe they dynamics of all friendships change such that when you’re out of sight then you are somewhat out of mind. No matter how much you try to use that phone to keep contact, it just doesn’t work if there is too much distance and so much of life being lived that you just don’t have time.

Over the past couple of years I have come to wonder just how many real friends do I have currently in my life. This question sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks, as both newer, but lengthy friendships seem to have faded away and the long term ones don’t seem as settled and fulfilling. Far more distance and one sided contact than what I ever thought would happen. I’ve asked the friends that I thought I had on numerous occasions to meet up just to catch up. To have dinner or drinks or do something so we can take some time to reconnect, build back the foundation that may have cracks and every time I’m shut down and told no. Reasons that in my mind aren’t valid or justified for just not trying to have some bonding time. I find myself now ever increasingly alone, no one to consistently talk to, hang out with, travel and just enjoy some of life’s moments. Hell even sexually, friends with benefits are harder and harder to come by here in this city. So many preferring to continue to try new and unknown partners, rather than gettin what they know is grade A quality and satisfaction. It’s the desire to have group sex or threesomes all the time. It’s the what can you do for me, friend with benefits. You know we can fuck around as long as you doing more than just giving me sex.

Nothing replaces that feeling of being able to call your best friends or your really close friends and talking about the day. Maybe gossiping about the bullshit at work or what someone said to you. Talking about the same shows you guys watch or planning a trip or outing together. Things that create memories and make lasting moments. If you cherish these types of interactions, nothing makes you feel more angst, sadness and hurt than not being able to have those reliable people there, around and close to go through some of life’s darkest moments. Yes, I can say that I have a couple that fit this mold and I’m so thankful for them. The truth is, the ones that were the closest and that I’ve known the longest, are the ones that aren’t here. They’re the ones that things are so one sided; if I don’t message them or call them, then I’m never going to hear from them until something happens. It hurts when you feel yourself losing a friend. When you know that you’ve done all you can and you’ve tried to talk to them about it and still it goes away. There are days where I really feel as if I have no one. That is a very lonesome feeling, it’s one that makes you question your character and whether people really are for you, when you’re not doing things that immediately benefit them. And it all makes you wonder, you are really my friend.

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Heart Chronicles – Past Dreams Present Disappointment

So many times we hear that you shouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s said in many different iterations and forms, all with the same meaning. But, there is also knowledge passed that you must learn from your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it. These competing messages offer a glimpse into why so many people, in my mind, struggle to reckon with their past wishes and failures. And why, in their present, they have such disappointment. I have to admit that I am guilty of this a little bit and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve experienced too many past blow ups of great dreams that I feel stagnant and disappointed in my present. Or, if it is because the dreams of the past were so strong and positive and genuine; and because of the people who I tried to share those dreams with, it left a void and a lot of heart break and sadness. Either way, when you can begin to identify those things and work to reconcile those issues and feelings, then you can work to turn your present dreams into present and future success.

Sometimes when you start dreaming of the future and planning to have a certain someone be apart of that future, it can take a lot of energy and emotional fuel out of you when that dream blows up in smoke. Especially, if it’s a hard breakup or life altering situations within that end. It can leave you hesitant to draw up the next big personal dream that involves another. It can also make you not want to dream those utopian ideas for you and the next love interest. Often times, I’ve found that it turns people into one of two things. It either makes them very hard and rigid. Preferring to be single and have causal, surface level relationships with people. Just keeping themselves and their bodies bottled up, avoiding the flights of fancy that caused their heart to be broken however many times. The other type of person it spawns is the more loose and carefree person. The one who is far more sexually permissive and explorative. They don’t mind having multiple casual sexual interests, but careful and intentional enough to make sure it doesn’t extend beyond that. They don’t mind making you a permanent friend with benefits, but know that something more serious is highly unlikely.

Me personally, it took years of having my dreams end in nightmares before I just turned into the person who has a lot of sex, makes many friends with benefits, but very few real friends. And in turn, lovers who never really commit themselves to me, just the idea of being with me. Getting all the benefits that I offer. A good heart, giving and great sex, all while plotting their next moves. I’ve tried to be, and have been, in serious relationships the past few years, and all of them wind up ending around the same type of issues. Me not feeling appreciated enough, feeling like my sex is the main attraction, along with my money, too much talk of commitment and not enough action. Never being shown, the way I show them, that they’re important and a priority in my life. So lately, the past six months or so, what has happened is now I’ve just really dismissed the idea of a relationship. I’ve stuck to what I know works best and gets the most attention for me. Having lots of sex, most of the time good to great sex, but sometimes major disappointments there too.

It all revolves around the idea that the past pains from dreams unfulfilled lead to present distractions and resentments, that cause you to not want to lean into those pure and idealistic dreams. Rather, you choose to live in the sarcastic and manipulated real world that we live in. One in which, you have to carefully and wisely decide if, or when, you will use the dreams of your past to hopefully create the happiness of your present. For some you may not understand, or you may disagree, and that too is okay. I’ve learned that people often don’t want accept that the reasons for their actions in the present is directly tied to the results from the past. Most like to think that it is an evolution of sorts that got them to where they are today. That because of what they went thru before they made changes to themselves that lets them behave how they do today. And while I don’t completely disagree with that position, because I do believe there is an element of that in all of us, I am much more of the mindset that if you haven’t fully reconciled those past hurts, you’re really just running from those old thoughts and desires. Letting yourself exist in a shell to protect yourself or as a hoe to shield yourself from is really going on inside of you.

The truth is all that hurt and pain from before creates self doubt. You have issues with your self-esteem, because you aren’t certain that you’re worthy enough to have the things you dream about in the real, woke world that you live in. It fuels your general negative feelings that exist in your mind. We have to face facts that the negative thoughts that we hold sometimes are far easier to tap into than the positive ones. When you take stock of the personal relationships you have built and if you have feelings of being slighted or unappreciated, it can have a tendency to feed the narrative that somehow you aren’t good enough or deserving of those things you think about. It takes a very mentally stable and strong individual to realize that you can’t allow for the absence of another to be associated with you necessarily. If you know that you have only been good to that person and never wronged them, you have to accept that maybe they just aren’t meant to be that close to you in life. And while it does hurt, it is a truth that you have to come to grips with in order to prevent an erosion of your personal wealth.

To be clear this also isn’t just about love relationships either. Sometimes the biggest disappointments and unfulfilled dreams lie within friendships and family relationships as well. These can have a lasting and often times largely damaging effect on someone if they don’t have positive energy. The foundation of a person is usually established at home with your family and loved ones. If those relationships sour and destroy the dreams that you had of what support from family and close friends looks like, then that also is likely to have a grave impact. It is likely to leave you questioning everyone else as you struggle to find the desire and ability to trust strangers, because those you know have caused you so much pain and disappointment along the way. It’s very unfortunate, but it is the way of life that you have to be careful of everyone that you allow to enter your personal space. You have to caution yourself as to how much you allow yourself to dream those sugary dreams, because what lies on the other side of that is disappointment, anger, frustration and pain. How you navigate through all of that will be critical for how your present looks and feels to you.

Maybe the worst things that can happen are for family members and close friends to dramatically cause emotional scars to you. It has a lasting effect that sometimes never goes away. It masks itself and will rear it’s head in your mind and thoughts. Sure to cause to emotional instability and disconnects as you go along your journey. When these things become the norm and the exception, it is time for you to look inward and decide if you are ready to handle those emotional challenges that are preventing you from having true happiness in your life. You can’t be afraid to challenge the people that you hold near and dear to you. It’s the only way that you will break through that cycle of pain. In order to hurt people to stop hurting people, they have address the issues that are bringing them the pain, so they can resolve the hurt, find the peace and stop inflicting pain onto others. Heal the world by healing yourself. If each of us took that time to do some healing, then we really could make this world better than what it has been.

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Heart Chronicles – Missing In Action

Over and over I think about what a friend is suppose to be. I challenge myself to select friends that I have in my based upon that particular definition. Then, I erase that mindset and just ask a simpler question… Who is there for me when I need them? Who checks on me when I haven’t sent messages in a couple days or so? Who doesn’t wait for their to be a situation or a provoking post, to reach out and check on my well being? Who isn’t switching up, now that I don’t run the streets much or I don’t over extend myself for them? All of these questions, you might say are more complex that asking myself the definition of friend and seeing who fits it. And if you think that way, then you’re missing part of this entire post. Asking myself that question means I’m making it complex. Because, I’m choosing to omit things that maybe I need to consider. So to ask the direct and pointed questions make it easy. It takes away the guessing or the built in reasons, or excuses, that might be provided and simply gets to the root. Who really cares?

Depending on how you think and what your life experience is, you may think that it’s unfair to associate who really cares, with the above mentioned simple questions asked. Because you might be quick to point out that someone may be going through things in life or they may be transitioning to different levels within their personal or professional careers. It may be some kind of difficulty that they’ve experienced and they need to be supported and checked on, rather than doing the supporting and consoling. In some fashion, you may have a point, but the purpose of friendship is to provide that life raft, any point when it is needed, and if you’re always the person that is waiting for someone to reach out to you in order for you to lend your support, well you’re actually part of the problem. Friends are suppose to have a spirit-like connection. They can sense or feel when someone they care for is in distress or discomfort. And if they can’t, once contact is made they can realize that something is off and change the tenor and tone of their communicative efforts.

To me, friends don’t require reminding or primping. They don’t need you to always be the first to call and check in. Maybe, there is a little time between communicating, but it shouldn’t be the regular practice that you go weeks and months without talking with one another. That seems like a long distance friend. Or maybe a friend out of convenience. Or maybe, they’re just a normal friend. Not to be confused with best friend or close friend. I’m not sure which way you really want to try and isolate or separate the friend category, but one thing I think should be clear, is that there should never really be a feeling of a one sided friendship. If that does occur, maybe you need to redefine how close of a friend this person really is to you. Or alter your definition and thinking of a friend. For me, as of late, I have been questioning if my definition of friend is appropriate. Maybe I need to rethink of how a friendship is constituted. It feels like to me, I’m losing all the close friendships that I have. It feels like everyone is just becoming a causal, situational friend. It doesn’t feel like I have a best friend or any close friends at all. It all is starting to feel transactional. Like when their moment calls for it, they are a close friend, but on the large picture scale, I’m just another one of their many “friends”. Nothing special to the friendship, as initially thought, just someone else who can fill the void when needed. To answer to their needs and comforts when called upon.

It’s crazy to me that when I was in my lowest of places. My darkest of corners and despair, there were more of these close friends to be found. Maybe because I was weak and more prone to being taken advantage of for their needs. You know, willing to spend whatever I had so we could hang out and have fun. Or allowing them to use my place as their retreat from life’s challenges. Venting their hurts and pains, their shortcomings and complaints, being a sexual release, in some cases, when they didn’t want the risks of the unknown, but the assurances and guarantees of satisfaction and safety in my possession. It’s so hard when you are and have been so present for people, to not get that treatment in any meaningful way back from them. And yes, I’m that friend who will blunt say, I don’t feel appreciated to any and all friends, so it’s known how I feel. Wait for the usual bull shit answer and regret that I even said anything because it never really changes anything. The truth is, as with all other things, when you are a true friend that someone cares about they will make time to give you time. Whether it’s a little or a lot. No matter daily or weekly, there will be time given to validate those feelings of attachment that you have because of the bond that you’ve built.

It is truly odd to me that someone who doesn’t know me well, or hasn’t had the experiences and bonds with me over time, is more willing and desiring to be in my space than the people who know my quality and character. They’re the ones that can be found that will quickly shoot that empty, baseless Happy Birthday text or post, but have no real substance or meaning behind it. Finding way to avoid being present but at the same time wanting to preserve their “spot” as a true friend. Far too may days I’m alone. Alone in my thoughts and alone in my feelings. Missing the companionship of friends. Wondering why people reduce it down to what you can do for them. Can you deliver great sex? Can you provide refuge from the elements? Can you provide them some kind of assistance, so then they may give you their time. Always a transaction. Always something for something, never something for nothing. Never sacrificing getting something for doing something. Maybe, that’s why now instead of trying to push for time with friends, I just try to make the most of the time with myself. Lonely and as quiet as it may be, I don’t have to worry about any ulterior motives. I don’t have to wonder am I going to be expected to pay for the meal or take us shopping because I want to do something.

Oh how I miss the days of being a kid. When having friendships truly existed. I had real friends then. We did everything together even when the outside world didn’t understand how our friendships came to be and how they manage to be so strong. Before the complexities of life and the worries of image and association became so important. Before it mattered if people cared how you spent your time. And before you became concerned with you being on the high end of the transaction. A friend allows you to take yourself out of the world of Me and firmly place yourself in the word of We. I miss those we days. They were so fun and fulfilling. But, over time, I’ve grown tired of trying to continue to cultivate new genuine friendships, where we willingly sacrifice I for Us. Missing in action.

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Heart Chronicles – The voices within

You know one of the most difficult things to do is to talk about mental health issue, and/or, personal insecurities that you have within yourself. It requires to have a level of vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable with having. Sometimes it takes me time to write some of these more revealing posts because I have to mentally prepare myself for the vulnerability I’m about to show, but I think that the mark of a good to great writer, is being willing to put yourself into your writing. That is, allowing your readers to see and feel you in what you writing. This post, much like the one that posted earlier this week, is tough, because it is forcing me to openly confront certain issues that are deeply personal and issues that I don’t quite have control of. But I think for the sake of my healing and for transparency I want to lay it out here and address it.

The truth of me is that I struggle with depression and I have type two bi-polar disorder. These things combined together produce some very twisted voices in my head. There are days where I’m feeling good and positive about the changes and progress made in life. And in an instant, my mind will think about where I currently am and where I should be and it will cause a regression back to the insecure version of myself that exists. Or, I will think about the sexual addiction I have and while I should be far more concerned with containing it, I’m actively thinking about who I can fuck and when. It’s something that makes me feel some kind of way because my memory also triggers me back to the trauma and devastation that I’ve experienced dealing with my ex. You know when you already have depression and anxiety issues, and you have bi-polar disorder, it can be a very difficult combination. Most people only think about the aggressive and violent end of being bi-polar. But, there is a even more unpredictable and potentially harmful side to this disorder, and that’s the depression that can take over.

Much like the manic episodes that someone can have when they’re angry, when someone who is bipolar goes through their depression stages, they can get very deep and dark. It can make you question everything that you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It can make you feel very worthless and unfulfilled. At times, it can make you feel very isolated and alone. It can sometimes make you feel like the world is looking at you, when the reality is you are feeling the pressures from your own mental breakdown. Having multiple voices operating inside me is a challenge. It pushes the boundaries of how focused I can be. It often makes me do contrasting things or feel contrasting feelings. It’s very hard to understand if you don’t identify with this condition. It has been such a struggle because honestly, when I have these spaced out thoughts and feelings I just don’t know what to do. I be wanting to be alone and by myself, but then I want to hear people that care tell me it’s ok. Then I want someone I care about just hold me because I need to feel reassured. And then the other part of my mind wants to fuck and just be wreckless, and have as much fun as possible. Depression is a real thing within this dynamic and mixing that with a high sexual propensity, and a bad temper and having a bit of an anxiety problem and you get a very sporadic disposition. For me this is where I sit.

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Heart Chronicles – Can’t get enough

I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted this to the universe, but today is going to be a first. Maybe this blog will help to break that seemingly suffocating cloud that looms in my environment, blocking the next phase of my journey from being grabbed and accepted. Today I have to admit that I’m an sex addict. I don’t know really when this became known to me, but I am here to acknowledge it today. It feels so weird to admit to such a thing because sex is seen as so out of bounds by many, misunderstood by some and nasty by others. Maybe it’s because I’m a openly, Black, gay man and I know that in my community those are three strikes right there, so to also admit that I have an addiction to having sex with men just seems like the final nail in my proverbial coffin. I mean how much more of a sinner could I be in the eyes of some right? For the question is.. how the fuck did I let this happen? When did I really become this sex starved guy? For the longest I use to be the guy that wanted that long term commitment. Wanting to have someone who wanted to share his body mind and soul with me. That way, the sex would feel better, it would linger longer, my dick would stay hard seemingly forever, and my ass would so moist that just a couple strokes would make me cream. I yearned for that in every relationship I had, and because of that, I wasn’t really willing to just fuck just because. I thought that having a couple sex partners being single was cool, but not too many. Always wanting to save the extras for that one guy.

Well, somewhere between being cheated on and mistreated and abused, I guess that hopeless romantic, that deep lover, got sidelined and gave way to the whore that exists today. It feels like I can’t even stop when I say that I’m going to take a break. Since I’ve been single the past 6 months, it’s like I’ve been playing catch for the lack of sexual attention and satisfaction my ex gave me the prior 6 months that we were living together. It felt as though with him I was willing to wait for the moon in order to have sex with him. It didn’t happen often at all, the fuck sessions in six months together. He probably sucked my dick maybe 10 times total. He complained that my dick was too thick made his jaws hurt, so he didn’t want to suck it so often, even though he claimed that dick sucking was his passion. He complained that my width stretched his hole too much and do he couldn’t take having sex regularly with me. Through all that I attempted to make the best of the times when we did. All the while, in the back of my mind I was screaming for more. Wanting to have passionate, love making sex, three times a week. Knowing that anything else would be too much, I figured that would be reasonable. It wasn’t for him and so my drought was epic for me. I thought at that moment I had my sexual sweet tooth under control.

However, once we broke up, it was like the chains to my sexual demon were unleashed and I haven’t been able to stop myself or slow down at all. One after another, same guy, different guy. Ass, dick, head and all of the above. Solo missions and threesomes. One a day up to as many as four a day. Temporarily stopping to get sleep and allow my body to have a slight recovery. Only to be tempted by a cute face, delicious body, big dick, juicy ass, and all that I’ll slow up talk disappeared like smoke from a blunt in the air. Replaced by a sultry lust for release. Not satisfied until that last drop of cum leaves my or his dick. Asses wet, flip fucking, that means we fuck each other, smiling when it’s all said and done. Smoking a blunt or two, just to loosen things up and allow the real freaks to emerge and leave their mark. U name the location, I’ve done it. The driveway, the street, the duck off, the car, the house, the shower, the bathroom, work, home it didn’t matter. I was willing to be caught if it meant releasing that beast that wanted to feel that sexual satisfaction. The fact that I’ve fucked at every job I’ve had since I’ve returned to this city is crazy. To be fair I’ve had two full time jobs and two part times jobs. I’ve fucked in the department store dressing room too. I’ve fucked with people watching in the room, with the blinds and curtains open. I’ve recorded some sessions and watched them back while we prepare to fuck again. All of these encounters and it still hasn’t been enough to satisfy that taste.

What’s crazier is that there is a specific set of people out there, who all they really want is the one off sex with you. No matter how good it was, they don’t want to repeat, they want someone different each time or a different scenario. I am the type of addict that if you got some shit ass and/or dick, I wanna keep getting it until I can’t have it anymore. Blow my mind and make me want to leave you alone. But that just seems to be a little too much here. The itch is too strong that once you have it once, maybe twice, they move on; which in turn means I move on to the next too. Finding the next one who’s ready to fill that prescription. Make me feel how I want to feel so that for that moment or day, my sexual desires are satisfied. I used to know how many people I had slept with. Even when the number was just barely over 100 I knew. Now, it’s been soo many people. Soo many hook ups, link ups and fucks, that I really don’t know. I can’t remember them all if I tried hard, because some days it was all a blur. That sexual fire burning so bright all I cared to do was have my fire rage, and then extinguished from however many sexual interactions it took to calm that flame.

Maybe it’s because of all the hurt and pain that I just turn to the sex as a means of coping. So many years spent trying to be a great boyfriend. Doing all the things I feel that a man should do to keep home happy. Making sure that my lover knew no lack, no not only materialistically, but completely. Loving on him, giving him attention, feeling his emotions. No, I was never perfect and will never pretend to be, but I know I was a damn good boyfriend. I always tried to work on my flaws and made sure that I didn’t make the same mistakes in the next relationship as I did in the prior one. Always willing to take constructive feedback to work on myself and be a better me. That shit never worked. All it did was allow niggas a chance to get the utopia they dreamed of and then run away, claiming they weren’t ready for that realness yet. Maybe it’s how I’m dealing with the loss of my twins and the abortion of what would have been my first born son a couple years earlier. Maybe it’s a ways for me to feel appreciated just a little. As twisted as it may sound, to hear and feel and see someone express their gratitude for your sexual pleasings makes you feel a little better about yourself. Until you realize that it’s just fucking, that you’re just a one off or a dick or ass call, then you want more. Maybe, it’s my way of filling the void of the people that I thought were friends, who ducked out on me. Years of fun times together. Laughing, joking, breaking bread, being there, listening, helping, supporting. But when the time came for me to get that support, feel that love, get that listening ear, break bread to help reassure me all would be well, that was too much to ask and all I get are half assed dry conversations. Avoidance of in person meet ups, to catch up and bond again.

Sex became my escape and my drug. Sex became the way for me to meet some half way cool people. No, they weren’t my true friends, but they filled a void in some way. Some times the sex did become regular, or we did more than just fuck here and there. Never enough, but just enough to take away that edge for that moment or that day. Leaving a trail though, of emptiness and loneliness in its wake. I guess while I don’t know exactly when I became a sex addict, I definitely know why I am one. How or if I can get rid of it, I guess that is the million dollar question.

Talk back to me… do you relate to this at all?

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Heart Chronicles – Cuffed or Free

The older I get and more time I spend thinking, I feel like it’s the subliminal messages we take from the shit we go through in life that unconsciously trains us for the way we react with people and the way we build and decide on relationships. Check this out and let me help bring you to where my mind rests.

When you get into a relationship you go through the ups and downs, the good and bad. Sometimes things happen where you get a person pregnant and try to have kids, other times you deal with them and shit just makes your relationship grow apart or end. It’s my belief and opinion that if you try to have relationship forever goals and you keep ending up with short term fire, long term pain, or lots of great sex but no real commitment, it shapes what you seek as you get older and makes you more prone to one type of relationship over the other. It almost assures that unless someone comes along to disrupt the pattern of things that happens you will likely shift to being more in favor of what you are experiencing more of. For example, if a person tries throughout life to have the long term relationship goals, but they’re always taken away or not lasing, they will eventually say fuck it and just be single with entanglements along the way. Conversely, if someone winds up establishing a long term love affair. Maybe years, maybe they married. Or maybe they together a long time and just end because they grew in opposite directions you’re likely to want to try again for that long term happiness.

But if you are the person who, you try to have a family with someone and it fails. You heal and then you try again and it fails for a different set of reasons. You go back to the drawing board take time to figure it out then you try again, and it fails again for another set of varying reasons. And you try again, and same result failure with a hard end and you start to think are you really meant to be in a long term relationship. Is a forever love affair in your future. Have you missed your forever partner or have you been selected to just feel lots of short term pleasures. It’s hard not to feel like this when you have so many opportunities in life to have those long lasting moments, only to be denied and always end up with shorter term satisfactions, and long term disappointment. We know that not everyone will be lucky enough to meet their forever in high school or college. Maybe it takes you well into your 30s or 40s before that happens. To that end I ask why did it have to take so long. Why was your divine plan set for you to experience let down after let down until you reached that age of supposed stability?

Take it a step further, if you get peeped for sex a lot more than you do for the relationship end, what does that say about you? Does it mean that you are only giving off that energy or is that the strongest vibe being picked up by other people from you. And you know you think about how that fucks with your mind space. Do you really want to feel that your reputation is only that you have great sex. You’re a nice person and all that, you could be that number 1 on 90 percent of the people that you come across, but the biggest hit seems to be to experience your sexual satisfaction. And don’t let you be good at what you do. You get the hits from, damn we need to just keep fucking to yea it was great and now I want to do shit with you and other people. It’s like one great thing isn’t enough, It’s how do you get maximized without giving you the full prize. And the thing that can unintentionally reinforce one notion or the other is how often you see people you use to link with, settle down now with people that you aren’t as good as you, but you were never given the chance to rise about the amazing fwb you were.

It can be difficult to see yourself as the one, when you’re always over looked or not fully given appreciation until after others have had less than you and they want to try to return. Shit that you know was going to be the case. Or you see that they took less than you and tried to build the mountain, when you were only given a chance to build the hill. Having these things happen, seeing these things in front of you can only cause you question yourself. If you think about all the different scenarios given in this blog, you realize that more often than not, the little messages within a breakup or within a relationship gives you mental guidance or blueprints to understanding why decided to become the person that you did. You know there are many people who have wanted to have forever happiness, that end up with forever entanglements. Largely because they were shaped by what happened to them early on in their relationships. Yes, the old saying great things don’t come without effort. But there is a saying I also like, a beaten person can’t give what he doesn’t have. If you’re constantly swatted away from what you try to attain, maybe isn’t not meant for you to have.