lifestyle

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Heart Chronicles – Can’t get enough

I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted this to the universe, but today is going to be a first. Maybe this blog will help to break that seemingly suffocating cloud that looms in my environment, blocking the next phase of my journey from being grabbed and accepted. Today I have to admit that I’m an sex addict. I don’t know really when this became known to me, but I am here to acknowledge it today. It feels so weird to admit to such a thing because sex is seen as so out of bounds by many, misunderstood by some and nasty by others. Maybe it’s because I’m a openly, Black, gay man and I know that in my community those are three strikes right there, so to also admit that I have an addiction to having sex with men just seems like the final nail in my proverbial coffin. I mean how much more of a sinner could I be in the eyes of some right? For the question is.. how the fuck did I let this happen? When did I really become this sex starved guy? For the longest I use to be the guy that wanted that long term commitment. Wanting to have someone who wanted to share his body mind and soul with me. That way, the sex would feel better, it would linger longer, my dick would stay hard seemingly forever, and my ass would so moist that just a couple strokes would make me cream. I yearned for that in every relationship I had, and because of that, I wasn’t really willing to just fuck just because. I thought that having a couple sex partners being single was cool, but not too many. Always wanting to save the extras for that one guy.

Well, somewhere between being cheated on and mistreated and abused, I guess that hopeless romantic, that deep lover, got sidelined and gave way to the whore that exists today. It feels like I can’t even stop when I say that I’m going to take a break. Since I’ve been single the past 6 months, it’s like I’ve been playing catch for the lack of sexual attention and satisfaction my ex gave me the prior 6 months that we were living together. It felt as though with him I was willing to wait for the moon in order to have sex with him. It didn’t happen often at all, the fuck sessions in six months together. He probably sucked my dick maybe 10 times total. He complained that my dick was too thick made his jaws hurt, so he didn’t want to suck it so often, even though he claimed that dick sucking was his passion. He complained that my width stretched his hole too much and do he couldn’t take having sex regularly with me. Through all that I attempted to make the best of the times when we did. All the while, in the back of my mind I was screaming for more. Wanting to have passionate, love making sex, three times a week. Knowing that anything else would be too much, I figured that would be reasonable. It wasn’t for him and so my drought was epic for me. I thought at that moment I had my sexual sweet tooth under control.

However, once we broke up, it was like the chains to my sexual demon were unleashed and I haven’t been able to stop myself or slow down at all. One after another, same guy, different guy. Ass, dick, head and all of the above. Solo missions and threesomes. One a day up to as many as four a day. Temporarily stopping to get sleep and allow my body to have a slight recovery. Only to be tempted by a cute face, delicious body, big dick, juicy ass, and all that I’ll slow up talk disappeared like smoke from a blunt in the air. Replaced by a sultry lust for release. Not satisfied until that last drop of cum leaves my or his dick. Asses wet, flip fucking, that means we fuck each other, smiling when it’s all said and done. Smoking a blunt or two, just to loosen things up and allow the real freaks to emerge and leave their mark. U name the location, I’ve done it. The driveway, the street, the duck off, the car, the house, the shower, the bathroom, work, home it didn’t matter. I was willing to be caught if it meant releasing that beast that wanted to feel that sexual satisfaction. The fact that I’ve fucked at every job I’ve had since I’ve returned to this city is crazy. To be fair I’ve had two full time jobs and two part times jobs. I’ve fucked in the department store dressing room too. I’ve fucked with people watching in the room, with the blinds and curtains open. I’ve recorded some sessions and watched them back while we prepare to fuck again. All of these encounters and it still hasn’t been enough to satisfy that taste.

What’s crazier is that there is a specific set of people out there, who all they really want is the one off sex with you. No matter how good it was, they don’t want to repeat, they want someone different each time or a different scenario. I am the type of addict that if you got some shit ass and/or dick, I wanna keep getting it until I can’t have it anymore. Blow my mind and make me want to leave you alone. But that just seems to be a little too much here. The itch is too strong that once you have it once, maybe twice, they move on; which in turn means I move on to the next too. Finding the next one who’s ready to fill that prescription. Make me feel how I want to feel so that for that moment or day, my sexual desires are satisfied. I used to know how many people I had slept with. Even when the number was just barely over 100 I knew. Now, it’s been soo many people. Soo many hook ups, link ups and fucks, that I really don’t know. I can’t remember them all if I tried hard, because some days it was all a blur. That sexual fire burning so bright all I cared to do was have my fire rage, and then extinguished from however many sexual interactions it took to calm that flame.

Maybe it’s because of all the hurt and pain that I just turn to the sex as a means of coping. So many years spent trying to be a great boyfriend. Doing all the things I feel that a man should do to keep home happy. Making sure that my lover knew no lack, no not only materialistically, but completely. Loving on him, giving him attention, feeling his emotions. No, I was never perfect and will never pretend to be, but I know I was a damn good boyfriend. I always tried to work on my flaws and made sure that I didn’t make the same mistakes in the next relationship as I did in the prior one. Always willing to take constructive feedback to work on myself and be a better me. That shit never worked. All it did was allow niggas a chance to get the utopia they dreamed of and then run away, claiming they weren’t ready for that realness yet. Maybe it’s how I’m dealing with the loss of my twins and the abortion of what would have been my first born son a couple years earlier. Maybe it’s a ways for me to feel appreciated just a little. As twisted as it may sound, to hear and feel and see someone express their gratitude for your sexual pleasings makes you feel a little better about yourself. Until you realize that it’s just fucking, that you’re just a one off or a dick or ass call, then you want more. Maybe, it’s my way of filling the void of the people that I thought were friends, who ducked out on me. Years of fun times together. Laughing, joking, breaking bread, being there, listening, helping, supporting. But when the time came for me to get that support, feel that love, get that listening ear, break bread to help reassure me all would be well, that was too much to ask and all I get are half assed dry conversations. Avoidance of in person meet ups, to catch up and bond again.

Sex became my escape and my drug. Sex became the way for me to meet some half way cool people. No, they weren’t my true friends, but they filled a void in some way. Some times the sex did become regular, or we did more than just fuck here and there. Never enough, but just enough to take away that edge for that moment or that day. Leaving a trail though, of emptiness and loneliness in its wake. I guess while I don’t know exactly when I became a sex addict, I definitely know why I am one. How or if I can get rid of it, I guess that is the million dollar question.

Talk back to me… do you relate to this at all?

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Heart Chronicles – Cuffed or Free

The older I get and more time I spend thinking, I feel like it’s the subliminal messages we take from the shit we go through in life that unconsciously trains us for the way we react with people and the way we build and decide on relationships. Check this out and let me help bring you to where my mind rests.

When you get into a relationship you go through the ups and downs, the good and bad. Sometimes things happen where you get a person pregnant and try to have kids, other times you deal with them and shit just makes your relationship grow apart or end. It’s my belief and opinion that if you try to have relationship forever goals and you keep ending up with short term fire, long term pain, or lots of great sex but no real commitment, it shapes what you seek as you get older and makes you more prone to one type of relationship over the other. It almost assures that unless someone comes along to disrupt the pattern of things that happens you will likely shift to being more in favor of what you are experiencing more of. For example, if a person tries throughout life to have the long term relationship goals, but they’re always taken away or not lasing, they will eventually say fuck it and just be single with entanglements along the way. Conversely, if someone winds up establishing a long term love affair. Maybe years, maybe they married. Or maybe they together a long time and just end because they grew in opposite directions you’re likely to want to try again for that long term happiness.

But if you are the person who, you try to have a family with someone and it fails. You heal and then you try again and it fails for a different set of reasons. You go back to the drawing board take time to figure it out then you try again, and it fails again for another set of varying reasons. And you try again, and same result failure with a hard end and you start to think are you really meant to be in a long term relationship. Is a forever love affair in your future. Have you missed your forever partner or have you been selected to just feel lots of short term pleasures. It’s hard not to feel like this when you have so many opportunities in life to have those long lasting moments, only to be denied and always end up with shorter term satisfactions, and long term disappointment. We know that not everyone will be lucky enough to meet their forever in high school or college. Maybe it takes you well into your 30s or 40s before that happens. To that end I ask why did it have to take so long. Why was your divine plan set for you to experience let down after let down until you reached that age of supposed stability?

Take it a step further, if you get peeped for sex a lot more than you do for the relationship end, what does that say about you? Does it mean that you are only giving off that energy or is that the strongest vibe being picked up by other people from you. And you know you think about how that fucks with your mind space. Do you really want to feel that your reputation is only that you have great sex. You’re a nice person and all that, you could be that number 1 on 90 percent of the people that you come across, but the biggest hit seems to be to experience your sexual satisfaction. And don’t let you be good at what you do. You get the hits from, damn we need to just keep fucking to yea it was great and now I want to do shit with you and other people. It’s like one great thing isn’t enough, It’s how do you get maximized without giving you the full prize. And the thing that can unintentionally reinforce one notion or the other is how often you see people you use to link with, settle down now with people that you aren’t as good as you, but you were never given the chance to rise about the amazing fwb you were.

It can be difficult to see yourself as the one, when you’re always over looked or not fully given appreciation until after others have had less than you and they want to try to return. Shit that you know was going to be the case. Or you see that they took less than you and tried to build the mountain, when you were only given a chance to build the hill. Having these things happen, seeing these things in front of you can only cause you question yourself. If you think about all the different scenarios given in this blog, you realize that more often than not, the little messages within a breakup or within a relationship gives you mental guidance or blueprints to understanding why decided to become the person that you did. You know there are many people who have wanted to have forever happiness, that end up with forever entanglements. Largely because they were shaped by what happened to them early on in their relationships. Yes, the old saying great things don’t come without effort. But there is a saying I also like, a beaten person can’t give what he doesn’t have. If you’re constantly swatted away from what you try to attain, maybe isn’t not meant for you to have.

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Heart Chronicles

Have you ever just woken up and felt like you were just tired of it all. Nothing had happened the night before to cause this feeling and mindset to surface, just a culmination of things that have occurred in your recent history. It’s like something in your mind and heart just click. You can’t really give an explanation for why it happened right now, you just know that you’re drained. Your body feels exhausted and tired. Mentally and emotionally you’re just spent. It feels like all your energy and desire has been sapped from your body. It just has the feeling of depression, a hard one, trying to settle in over you and you just don’t really want to fight it currently. It feels pointless to do so, because all you’re really going to get is an artificial passification of your feelings and troubles that are weighing you down. While you sit and look off into space wondering one simple question.. Why?

You are asking yourself why did these things happen to you in the sequence that they did. Why were you denied children for a third time. Why was your heart unnecessarily broken again, when you did nothing wrong. Why was your biggest protector and supporter taken away with no real warning. Why aren’t you able to close the deal now on new employment opportunities. Why with the impressive and solid resume you possess are you still toiling in a position that you know you are vastly over qualified for. Why are you sitting in a sort of financial circle. Able to obtain a small degree of financial security, but nothing like what you feel that you should have right now. Why haven’t some of your dreams and desires happened for you yet. Why haven’t you been able to assemble the cast necessary for the show you want to reach the masses. Why does it seem like you can’t catch the break that you need to be found and exposed for the talented individual that you really are. Why are you unable to keep a lover. Why do people always want to try to reshape parts of your image into what they want, instead of accepting that with you they get 90 percent of what they want in a man. That 10 percent will never be found, that’s not the point. The point is when someone meets you that far down the road, why would you destroy him?

You ask yourself why do people feel the need to lie to you about what they want or their level of satisfaction. Why is it necessary to hide things from someone who is so open and real with life and the experiences that you have had. Why does it feel like you will are always the resource for others, but never given the resources for yourself. Why are you always seemingly expected to put out or pour out from your blessings, but never given a blessing from others. Why are you so kind hearted and willing to forgive, when being an ass would save you so much time and disappointment. You just sit and question everything about yourself and what you’re doing with your life. You wonder should you really just take off the shackles and allow yourself to be less restrained. Give in to the unhinged personality waiting to exist. Wondering what does that version of you actually look like. Does that mean that you’re willing to be even more free willing, less concerned with negative results and consequences? Does it mean that you allow yourself to abandon many of those considerate, resourceful dispositions that you’ve maintained for all these years? It feels like even that wouldn’t give you the successful results that you really are seeking at this time.

It all just starts to overwhelm you so much. You keep wondering how much more are you going to be asked to take. How much more can you sacrifice or not have satisfaction for in your life. You don’t understand how you can be feeling all this torment and despair, yet still people don’t see the pain or heartache. They keep coming to you, knowing that you will give them what they need. Be it an ear to listen, a brain to provide solutions, a heart to provide empathy and compassion, money to provide financial relief or food relief, or a ride to somewhere. You are given a gift but you also see how much you have been taken for granted that weighs on you just as much as anything. When you were at the height of your giving, so called friends were always around and to be found. Yet, when you started curtailing those things, not being so freely to give of money and food primarily, a lot of those folks dried up. Now there isn’t a dinner to be had, joint shopping to be done, chill times to be had. Now, it’s just a lot of you being by yourself. No appreciation shown when your birthday comes or Christmas comes. Just you and you appreciating you. I guess that’s the lesson that has stuck with me the most. Always just rely on yourself.

It feels better to have sat and released some of the things that are on my heart. It doesn’t remove the pain or sadness. It doesn’t take away the feeling of not being appreciated or recognized, but it releases some of it from my spirit. Let me be perfectly clear. All the the things that I’ve done were never for the acclaim or so that people would give me back. It was all done because I wanted to and I enjoyed the bonding time and laughter and priceless moments that were created. The memories from those events are always going to stick with me. At the same time, people have a habit of showing their appreciation or thanks for folks buy giving of themselves in some way to them. Be it with a financial gift or physical gifts, the art of showing that appreciation is there. Maybe this doesn’t resonate with you. Maybe you’ve always been shown appreciation or you’ve never had to worry about any of these feelings. Hopefully you never will. If you have, then some or all of what I’ve written speaks to you. Talk back to me or pass it forward.

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Mental War

The title is very self explanatory so I will not indulge with a lead in here. Let’s just really get the nuts and bolts of the situation. I’m starting find myself at war with mental make up here lately. Now some might read that and say, How the fuck can you be at war with your own mental makeup, you’re the designer of that head space? The answer to me is simple.. my heart and the other reaches of my mind are conflicting with the primary cognitive processes that go through my head on a daily basis. If you’re still a bit confused then I challenge you to really take some time to get a little more in tune with all of your mental faculties, it’s a very eye opening and self aware thing to do. With that though, comes a greater deal of awareness of yourself, including past and present, which makes things more complex in a way. You often things are able to think of what past version of you would do, you know what the present version of you is likely to do, but then you have the deeper reaches of you that are toiling about. Sometimes, it can be a more sinister side of yourself, or it can be a more utopian or idealistic version of your thoughts that wants to include itself in your mindset.

I’m starting to figure out when you have all these different iterations of your mentality mixing about, it can make for some very arduous times. Essentially what you have is your mind wondering in all of these different directions about the myriad of situations playing out in your day to day life and the decisions that you make as a result of these situations. On a deeper level, once many of these situations have played themselves out, you really spend time mentally talking yourself through all of it. Looking at it from all the angles of the mind that you have unlocked. In some ways, you are acting as a counselor for yourself. Thinking of all of these different scenarios as to why things occurred the way they did. If you could have changed anything to make the situation better or prevent it from occurring in the first place. And definitely, if things didn’t go well, you’re wondering if one of those different mentalities could’ve handled it better and allowed for the situation to have a more satisfactory or positive ending.

Part of the deal also is that you wonder if your primary mindset is the correct mental perspective you need to operating with in this time. It makes you think if you need to take time to regroup and reshape your mentality to gravitate to one of other mindsets, making the necessary personality changes or adjustments to follow suit with that mentality. That to me is where things become just a little more complicated. Because in these moments where you’re questioning your own mental make up, it means you’re also questioning the personality traits and style that you are operating from. What it represents is a challenge to yourself and your way of thinking and living. It’s you forcing yourself to look at how you do things and determine if you can do things a better way. If you need to retool your own demeanor for the betterment of yourself. It’s that constant personal battle within, to be the best version of yourself or the most comfortable version of yourself. Many times they aren’t one in the same and that struggle to determine which needs to exist primarily is a bitch.

When you are alone with yourself and your thoughts, you allow for yourself to have an honest moment, if you’re being honest and open with yourself. It gives you a chance to look at the things that are happening and have happened and decide what you should to in order to continue to get those results or what needs to be done to prevent those outcomes from continuing to happen. It challenges you to look at yourself and wonder if your style is too passive or aggressive, or if it’s just right and the designed outcomes is happening for you. It makes you wonder if you’re attracting the right people and if you’re not, what it says about you and the energy and aura you’re putting out to the universe for people to pickup on. I think it also forces you to make real decisions about being present or allowing yourself to remain on pause. When you’ve been hurt this process can be doubly complicated because you’re emotionally broken and damaged, which feeds into your mental state as well. Emotional instability leads to mental instability and vice versa. So if you’re dealing with mental and emotional traumas, it stands to reason that you’re compromised from a decision making stand point and you need time to heal from all those wounds before you starting making major overhauls to yourself and your character.

Writing this today, has really helped me to see with even greater clarity, that I am a man who is deeply scared and severely wounded. I have learned how to cope with the pain and hurt to the point that I can function, but my mind is constantly at war with itself and my emotions are inwardly fighting daily to become more outward showing. It, for me, is why I feel that this mental war is the most challenging that I’ve ever been through. It encompasses so many things that have been so close to my heart and losing all of them has really tossed me into this unknown state. Days come where I want to burn it all down, destroy it all and just disappear. To be removed from the emotional and mental and physical pains that occupies space in my life. And then times come, where my sanity returns and I continue to move forward. Smiling and trying to find ways to handle these obstacles. The war within is trying to decide what to do, where to go and who to be. Questions that will alter the course of my life, that will shape this next part of the journey. Part is saying let it all go. Burn it to the ground and start all over again. Part of me is saying, leave all of yesterday in yesterday and let today be the beginning. Part of me is saying, take the best parts of what was, put them with the best parts of what is and create the best of what will be.

I don’t know how many of you this will resonate with, but maybe in your days, weeks, months and years to come you will reflect back on this post and think to yourself, my mental war is not one that I’m alone in fighting, I just have to have the resolve and the strength to keep fighting. My breakthrough and reward is on the other side. Just make the right choice and let the chips fall where they will.

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Hard or Soft.. Masculine or Feminine

I’ve written in the past about the dynamic in the gay community where masculinity or femininity is based upon one’s sexual position rather than the personality and appearance given. I want to revisit that because after a recent conversation I feel like, especially in the Black Gay community, this is still a BIG mischaracterization and it shouldn’t still be happening so prevalently. It needs to be understood that just because one is versatile or a bottom, that it doesn’t automatically mean they’re soft or feminine or less masculine that a top or vers top. Let’s get into this conversation point just a little deeper.

When I was talking to this friend, he said that he can’t date someone who is versatile because they aren’t masculine enough. That essentially, because they took dick, they can’t be hard or dominant enough to handle a fully submissive bottom. I challenged that assertion because I was trying to figure out how did he come to that conclusion? I thought that we had gotten a littler further past the point of position determining dominance. His response is typical of what you hear from gays. He said “I don’t know, I just assumed because they taking dick that they can’t be that dominant or masculine.” I laughed at that notion, thinking to myself, damn are we still living in the early 2000’s or early 2010’s? I mean damn what really makes someone think that only taking dick is the definition of being dominant or submissive? Well, I had to remind him that there are many masculine and dominant bottoms that exist. In fact, especially in Atlanta, there are far more manish bottoms that there are manish tops. LOL, if you disagree with this opinion, just ask some gays in this city, they will tell you. You can find a solid top, but there will always be a little more sweet twist to them than you might expect.

And to me that’s normal anyway. I mean as a gay man that’s what makes it so much fun. I can be a dominant or alpha type man and still like to have a big, eccentric personality as well. I can be the one normally controlling the relationship and still like to take dick from time to time if I decide I want to. Or, I can just be with a bottom who loves to please me and be just as satisfied. The complexity of being a gay man should be embraced and accepted, as opposed to trying to over simplify people into a category based on whether or not you take some wood in your hole. I never really understand the need for that this of discussion anyway. LOL, I mean yes I do get it and realize that people find the need to quickly box folks so they can make quick decisions, but I think that takes away from the dynamic of learning and knowing each other. Sometimes the right one for you will be right there, but because you make an baseless assumption, based on one thing instead of knowing them could make you miss out on that right one.

I don’t plan to get too deeply involved in this conversation because I feel that this stereotype is changing, but I just felt the need to come back and readdress this because I’ve heard this a little more often that I thought I would. Like why would you want someone to be just so stock standard to something? I think the different personality traits and dynamics is what makes the art of finding a love match so intriguing, but also so frustrating at times. Love yourself and the skin you’re in, but also be open to accepting that dominance and masculinity comes in different forms and in different packages. Maybe, opening your mind to that will allow for you to find the love that you want. I always say, if you’re only use to looking for the same thing, in the same place, you will continue to get the same failing results.

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Heart Chronicles

Sometimes things will happen in life that make you question did something previously that was intentionally designed to prepare you for the next time, or was it just a real coincidence? I have a hard time really understanding why a situation will happen, only for it to come back around sooner than you expect it to. When you have two of the same situations back to back, your mind goes crazy trying to understand what should you do. Do you allow yourself to give that new person a second chance, or do you take a lesson from the prior situation and distance yourself from them as well?

The truth is I don’t know if there is a singular right answer. I think it all depends on the individuals involved and what caused things to end with that person. Ironically, in this case, the situations are actually almost mirror images of each other. The only difference maybe being the personalities of the two people. Otherwise, both of them are the same type, with the same setup that caused all of this to be unsettling to me. It has caused me to have more pause than a little bit and it makes me think about whether or not I’ve made the right choices. Someone who without a doubt makes me feel good and special. Someone who shows me love beyond what they get out of me. More than just a token nod or bullshit statement out of their mouth.

At the same time, my mind is brandished with how it all tumbled down. How the abandonment was swift and blind-sided. How there was no warning or any discussion of the issues that made him feel that needed to distance himself from me. Same setup as someone different over a year ago. No reason given, no explanation presented, just disappeared for a year and then randomly out the blue, boom, pops back up. Offers his story and apology, pleads against my emotions and feelings that I had buried for him, asking for a second chance. Having conversation for hours to make sure that this was something serious, that it wasn’t going to be another game that would have a random and heart wrenching ending.

As hard as I tried and as much as I was guarded against the possible games to be played, it turned out to be exactly the same almost as the first time. This time after nearly six months of living together and experiencing difficulties together. Learning more of the deeper and more emotional parts of our past, bonding on what I thought was foundational strengthening, but turned out to be time filling bullshit. I can’t really understand why someone would want to do that to someone. Why would you waste time like that? Why would you want to expose parts of your story, that you claim are sacred to you, if all you intended to do was walk out randomly, with no warning, with no explanation, with no answers provided.

As crazy as it sounds, I really did all I could to protect against this outcome. I gave my heart to the relationship, I put my own flair on things, but I also made sure to not just completely lose myself in building a potential forever. I was not going to allow myself to waste my time if I could spot shit before it happens. And yet, I was unable to do it again. I was blind-sided yet again. I was turned away for simply being me, after being told that I was wanted for just simply being me. And here comes another man, different in every way from the first, but with the exact same kind of situation that the first man presented. He came along and was an amazing guy. Pushed me in some ways and I pushed him in other ways. We made a special bond over a 7 month period, only for him to run away, no notice, no reason given.

He stayed away for a year as well, only to return to my life and give the same apologies and regretful diatribe that the first man had given to me. I made a very intentional effort to let him know that I had just went through this exact same scenario a couple months prior and I’m not interested in having this shit happen to me again. The torment and anger that festered within me was deep and burning bright. I was trying to be open to this man, while also knowing he was just like the man I had to say goodbye to without understanding why. And here is where the difficulty and complexity comes into play.

I’ve made a history of telling friends and family that you can’t convict the next person for what the last person did. You can’t hold the next one accountable for what the prior person got away with. You can only learn and grow to not allow it to happen again, but you must give each person a fair chance. However, this seems to be the rare exception to that rule in a couple ways. This case involves someone who previously did the exact same thing as the first man. Nothing at all different about how they did it. The reasonings given by both men are actually damn near the same. Being in bad places mentally and emotionally. Needing to cleanse themselves and clear their minds of the things that they had been through and had going on.

Can you see just how challenging this is for me now. I want to have love and be loved. I want to have someone who wants to be with me for me. Who isn’t afraid to put their love out there to be matched by mines. Making themselves vulnerable enough to be loved and not so scared that they run away when it gets too real I suppose. The heart wants to be loved and it wants to be protected. It wants to feel appreciated and accepted. Dealing with this situation is immensely challenging and I don’t know if I can really go through with this or not. But I’m trying to fight the urge to pull away. I’m trying to allow this love to show me it’s different than the one before.

Anybody been through something like this? Talk back.. post your comments.. lets discuss..

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Heart Chronicles

There comes a point in your love life when your heart just can’t take anymore bullshit and creates the space for a hardened form yourself to exist, which can ruin the chances of you finding your special match that out there waiting for you. It’s difficult to turn away from that when you have had that love you give taken advantage of numerous times. Keep in mind, it doesn’t mean that it happens the same way each time. This is a case where different people inflict different types of hurt that cause you to want to stray away from seeking love and finding happiness with a special someone. Maybe there is solution and maybe the solution is just the one that you present, but either way, let’s see if we can determine how to let the love live without killing you inside in the process.

We all know the addicting and powerful effect that love can have on us as people. Our hearts yearn for that acceptance and togetherness that being in love brings. It allows you to see past flaws of one person to get to the core and heart of them instead. You want to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to allow someone to touch the parts of you that you reserve for someone that you truly feel is worth that experience. You anticipate having someone that you share your inner most thoughts with, someone that knows the deep, dark secrets that you hold so close you will go to your grave with them, be it not for that person you love. All of these things and more you want to experience with just one person, and when the person you think is that one turns out not to be, it just depends on how you find that out as to how much of that burning love flame will die down.

If you have what is considered a normal breakup, you know arguments or just to many differences to work, then you accept that maybe that person was meant to open your mind to certain parts of life, but that ultimately they weren’t that one and you allow yourself to continue on the journey. You take the time to recover from the emotional scars of the relationship and set your sights on being ready for the next one to come along. Not knowing if they will be teaching a lesson, robbing your time and heart, or here for the ride until the end. That is what we all hope to have from the failed relationships, yet more often than not, that’s not what you get though. Now we come across people who have nefarious motives. They want their survival to be so big time that they are willing to lie and abuse the love you give in order to maintain their lifestyle and survival that it tears you down in the process.

You see it is this type of relationship that the path of heart hardening gets sped up like a runaway freight train. Because it exposes you to the toxic nature of users. They know how to talk the bullshit better than most. Always keeping you lured in with the whims of your desires and stories of past pains they’re trying to move beyond themselves. And just how much you’re helping with your open and honest approach with them. While, they’re “recovering” they’re using all your energy, love and maybe even finances to get themselves better. This person is dangerous because they can take you for everything if they play the long game. Or even if they don’t they can leave you feeling raped of all that you work hard to store and give to someone deserving. When it’s all said and done, you have that feeling of despair and you struggle to make sense of the how and why. How did they get over and why would they choose to be users. Maybe their past pain just permeates their mind and as the old saying goes.. Hurt people, hurt people.

It’s a damaging psychological concept, but one that has one hundred percent validity. The cycle of making someone else feel the pain you feel, is as human as the cycle of the hopeless romantic, willing to be open to love at all costs. They come from the natural instincts of people. One a desire to protect yourself and inflict hurt on someone else to free it from yourself. The other, to never give up on the idea of sharing life with someone. Not wanting to be alone all your life. That is where these two mind sets overlap in my opinion. They both want to avoid that feeling of being alone, so you allow yourself to believe in things or behave in such a way that isn’t as healthy as you should be, but it’s attempting to satisfy a means to an end and real logic doesn’t really matter right now.

Yes there are many different levels to being a hopeless romantic and a jilted or scorned lover, this writing is really looking at the more extreme ends of these dynamics. The individuals who because of the hurts and abuses suffered are either so willing to believe in love that they are willing to disregard the norms or guardrails that protect you, or the person that’s been hurt so bad or so many times that they would rather inflict that type of pain on someone else so that they can say it doesn’t reside within them anyone. Usually, the person that they inflict that hurt to is one who doesn’t deserve it. It’s the person that was sent to help them really heal and be better than they are, but they’re blinded and so the cycle doesn’t break it continues.

I sit here so many times wondering why have I been chosen by so many different types of men to be their hurt person. The person that they give their hurt to by hurting me because of their past pains. It’s not something I seek or even can say I allow. I just feel that everyone deserves to be loved and have an opportunity to have someone be in their corner without using them or expecting them to “do something” in return. The price I’ve paid has been steep. I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for in life before. I’ve lost stability and happiness. I’ve lost blood and tears. I’ve lost time and love. Having these situations happen to you, create scars that over time can heal, but also over time can really harden. They make more willing to accept being alone and they start to turn some of that sweet, naïve love into a form of bitter love. Where you will love but with an eye bent towards protection from someone instead of protection by someone.

Sadly these stories are written all throughout history and time. People being jilted by past lovers, rushing too quickly into the next situation and hurting that lover. Or, just thinking that they’ve sufficiently addressed the past pain, only to find out they haven’t and the next lover paying the price for the former. We know the stories and drills so there is no need to pretend it doesn’t exist. For all those, we have all those instances as well of people actually doing the work to heal and not letting the next person pay for the last person. But the point is this, pain causes reactions and emotions that we don’t know until it happens. The deeper the pain the more radical the reactions. The more unexpected the hurt, the more punishing the next hurt will be. Instead of being willing to hurt the next one so you feel better about the last one. Try to sit and make yourself really better, that way the next one might stand the real chance of being the last one. Because they could have been sent to give you everything you need and almost all of what you want.

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Sex Confessions

The truth of the matter is that sex can often be a way of coping, offering a release from the struggles and challenges you face. It allows you to take the tension off. To fuck or be fucked and forget that you’re facing emotional and difficult things. Taking away the pain, however temporary, giving you a rush that makes you feel like you’re normal when you know that you’re not. Sex also soothes a situation sometimes. It can allow for you to take out the tension in your relationship by sexually releasing all that energy so that you can talk with each other and hopefully resolve your issues minus the negative energy. It can also just be for pleasure and fun. To fuck whomever and not worry about feelings or emotions attached because all you really want to do is get that nut and feel that elation. All three of these can be addicting and misleading, while also proving beneficial.

Having sex as a means of coping after a painful breakup or a damaging situation is very tricky. This type of sex is usually very misleading and has the power to be highly addicting. Because you’re getting that euphoric release and, if you’re not just fucking and going you have the ability to form a nice little vibe with people you’re sexing. It’s providing a false dynamic though. Because the vibe is just so you feel comfortable enough to fuck the person that you just met. And depending on how that vibe goes, you could become regular fuck buddies. But be careful, you could also mislead and misread things and end up in another quasi-relationship before you’ve healed from the last heartache. You have to be strong enough to resist that urge to make more out of jus the sex that you’re having.

Conversely, while you both might have an understanding of what purpose the sex serves, the other person might catch your vibe and try to push for more, especially if the sex is good as hell. In a situation like this you may need to be prepared to pull the plug on the situation and find you some new dick or ass, because you don’t want to set yourself up for failure too quick. It is that yearning for feeling the heat and intimacy of another that will lure you into that false sense of fulfilment. The truth of the matter is, usually, once you get that nut you return to the mindset that you had before that urge for sexual satisfaction kicked in, you’re back in that place trying to recover from that pain.

Now in my opinion, the best kind of sex is make up sex. We all have had that experience. After you and your partner have an argument or y’all just been going through a little hard time, as is apt to happen in life, and you get that chance to take out all your aggression and energy in that sex session or sessions. That moment when all that energy and tension is released feels like heaven. It’s like you can feel the weight coming off your shoulders. The atmosphere around you two gets lighter. You have more of a lightness and willingness to discuss things than you did before. It feels good to your body and mind, as well as a little soothing to the soul. But, just like the prior type of sex, you have to be careful with this too. Because you can turn this kind of make up passion into a regular thing and that can cause too much pressure on any relationship.

Yes, it can be fun and more erotic to enjoy aggressively pleasing your partner or being pleased, but it can create an air of uncertainty. After a while, you will tire of always needing to have “fights” in order to have highly passionate and emotional sex. That’s when you have to find the things that make you love that person and do things to make that become the muse for highly erotic and passionate sex with your lover. It’s true nothing will replace that heat of the moment sex to make you feel better, but it’s always going to be a quick fix, but don’t let that become the only fix.

Finally, the easiest of the three sexual expeditions is the meaningless, just for fun sex. This kind of sex is usually for people who are single and have no desire to get into a relationship at that time. They just want to feel the pleasure of another pleasing them or being pleased. You want to get that good nut and then let them go on about their business. We’ve all been there at some point. Be it a long period of time or just during your hoe period. Where you just want to fuck. No strings, no long periods of time together. It no doubt is very thrilling, because you usually are willing to far more experimenting than you would in other situations. You may not mind the random hook up, in open places, as well as traditional ones. You might be willing to have the occasional threesome or even a little group play.

There is nothing wrong with exploring your inner freak. But again, a word of caution here with this type of sex. It can truly be highly addicting. And, if you’re not careful it can be a little harmful to your health. Make sure that you strap up during these times, as you never know what you may come across. But, I know many people who just don’t prefer to use them at all, and if that’s you, just be very careful and selective. Have all the fun you want, just don’t put yourself at risk too much. Just don’t let yourself get trapped in a fwb situation that becomes a relationship, because that friend had sex that too addicting and you didn’t keep perspective.

See all of these types of sex offer different benefits and challenges. You have to be sure that whichever one applies to you, you’re responsible and prepared to handle the different possibilities that may arise. Have fun, have great sex and make some fun memories.

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Broken Vessel

I have tried numerous times over the years to impress upon people how important it is for there to be open communication and total truth within your relationship. Those are two of the most important elements that must be present, along with love, passion and togetherness, in order a relationship to have the success it deserves. When these elements are missing, it creates a tension that has to be alleviated by talking out the issue to resolve the situation and restore the full circle of the relationship. It defies my understanding why someone would choose not to be open and honest with their partner when there has always been established communications lines that have allowed for sharing of deep personal secrets and addressing of the issues.

Let me explain and let me help you understand why the “avoid confrontation” type is harmful to a healthy relationship. If you have built a solid foundation for your relationship, most likely you and your partner have established solid lines of communication. That means you guys can talk about the fun and entertaining things, as well as the more serious and complicated issues that may arise. If this is in place, it would be very unsettling if one of you decided to up and leave without warning, without explanation and void of conflict that is threating to your relationship. Enter, the “averse to conflict” type individual here. It has become my belief that the person who says they don’t like conflict within their relationship, is someone who isn’t mentally mature to handle the complex dynamics of a relationship. They are also a huge threat to the peace within that you create for yourself.

It has always been my belief that all relationships need a healthy dose of conflict resolution. The conflicts are the things that let you see the type of person you’re embarking on your journey with. It lets you know if you have a quitter, or someone who is more a support type or someone who is a lead Alpha and wants to make sure they can address anything head on to make things better. Either way, conflict resolution takes two to create the conflict and two to resolve such issue. It means that both parties are engaged and ready to work through the issues, and it also means that there is an honesty and openness discussing the situations. If you are the person who says you are “conflict averse” then you are the threat to this resolution being successful.

The person who wants to avoid conflict, is one who on the norm, will be open and honest about everything else within the relationship. They will be willing to tell you the things that are deeply personal about them. They will communicate their likes and dislikes. Sexually you guys can have a very satisfying sex life and have the intimacy you desire. They are flexible and willing to be compromise. But, be warned, when there is conflict that they can’t easily handle, or when their way isn’t the way accepted going forward, the end result will likely be a removal of themselves from the relationship, not a solution to the problem. This characterization is not meant to encompass all people who have this type of character, because we all know people are different. It is a generalized premise, but I can tell you it has more factual following than not. And people who are Type A lite personalities will fall into this category more often than not.

Unfortunately I recently had to go through this exact situation and the results left this vessel broken. It was the vile and nasty way in which the situation was handled. It to me was uncaring and unempathetic. It reeked of selfishness and self gratification. I would have never thought that someone would have such a callous game plan that they would build up all this good will and “love”, only to destroy all of it in the blink of an eye. This with no warning or explanation. No rationale given, no conversation had to gain understanding or resolution before simply bolting at the first opportunity presented. To be clear things were being portrayed as rosy and well. Communications had were preparing for the future, planning date nights and a impending move within the next couple months. All of it flushed in a matter of an hour.

When you are already questioning yourself because of things prior that you are still resolving internally, to have a lover briskly remove themselves, with no warning is jarring and damaging. Hell if all was right within you, something like this would leave you shaken. But when it something that was a year and half in the building and the open dialog happened without effort, it leaves you questioning what really was going on/ How long had the plan been to exit stage left. It makes you wonder if they were faithful to you the whole time, It puts the spotlight on you, rather than where it should be. On the person who did such a cowardly, fuck nigga thing. It creates so much hurt and anger. Not being able to establish any level of closure, because you don’t know why and you don’t know where they are in order to close the book. So you have to sit with lingering questions, a damaged heart and a broken vessel.

If you know that you’re someone who isn’t good at conflict resolution, try talking to your partner before you just walk out on them. Give it a chance to work. Maybe you will find that you are better at resolving conflict that you thought you were. Conflict is character building and relationship building. You grow stronger together when you face a challenge and overcome it as a unit, rather than trying to handle it all by yourself, or completely removing yourself all together as a means to avoid challenge or critique. None of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers, Therefore, we need to be challenged and opened up to other ways of thinking that are positive and helpful because they help us grow as people.

I never thought that I would go through this because I pride myself on being an open and honest listener and communicator. I always aim to make sure my partner is comfortable and feels comfortable talking to me about anything at any time. I know men have a hard time, sometimes, expressing those things that emotional or complex, but if you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you have to learn how to do so. Lean on your lover and let them help guide you until you find your own footing, That is part of the reason that you’re with someone. To share the journey of life together, to learn and grow from and with each other. Sadly that didn’t happen here. Instead it all now feels fake and contrived. The worst part is I don’t get the chance to ask why and have my questions answered. You left without a trace, only a sticky note with no explanation, just an I’m sorry. It feels like the final straw. The blow that breaks the bow. Who resurfaces from this, I don’t know, but definitely not the person I know inside.

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Have It Your Way

Are you someone who feels that you have to have things go your way majority of time, or almost always? If you are that person, can I ask you why you feel that the world must revolve around you and what you want? And yes to some degree I understand that it’s a little self deprecating because, most of like things to go our way, or rather we don’t want to do things if it doesn’t have some tangible benefit for us. But I also think that more often than not, people are willing to cede that their way won’t be the predominant way when dealing with people and the battle of wills I suppose you call it.

Truth is, I guess it’s possible to have always have things go your way if your will is strong enough that you make someone bend to your desires. But I don’t think that it’s healthy, nor do I think it’s fair. I believe that there should be give and take in things, especially when dealing with love and relationships and real friends. You have to be willing to not have control of everything all the time. I think that is a bit selfish and self serving. It can lead to a lot of loneliness and isolation. The fact is that people usually don’t to feel like they have no control over things beyond just themselves. We all like to think that we have a say so in things that go on with our friends, family, and lovers to some extent. Whether you do or not, I think is very important for your standing within these relationships.

I have always struggled with dealing with individuals who think that the world should revolve around them at all times. Typically this is because I’m the guy who believes that no one person is that important that all things should exist when they say or how they feel they should. We all have the right to control ourselves and what we do without someone feeling like they’re being slighted. It’s an important part of self love to understand that you are always in control of what you want to do with yourself and life. Things will happen beyond your control, but the people you place in your life and the choices you make about how you interact with them will remain something that you can dictate.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who feels that you don’t enough for them or you don’t make everything about them, you need to ask yourself is this what you really want. If you love them because they make you feel a certain kind of way, but their insistence on being the center is part of the deal, consider if that love is really worth keeping. Why? Because in this situation you will always be second, not equal always less than. It has to be that way in order for them to always get their way. If you’re a person that is satisfied with that then you’re in the right kind of relationship for yourself, but if you know that you like being put first sometimes, consider if you are with someone who is a match for you. I think you have to really drill down on this too. If you’re relationship is one sided to where one person is controlling the activities you do and if or when you have sex, then y’all need to talk. Make sure there is balance to where control feels more even and no so one sidede.

You have to remember that when you give that person the controlling hand to dictate terms all the time, you are essentially setting the terms for your relationship. Even relationships have negotiations and posturing for what will and will not be accepted. The way to discuss them has to be direct but not too harsh. If you’re okay with telling your to have it your way, then keep it as it is, but if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable or feeling as if things are only going as one partner sees it then you have to really re-evaluate how things are going. There needs to be a harmony between you two. Have it your way is a recipe for failure, if there isn’t clear communication involved. If you’re the person who is having it all their way, if your pressed about why it needs to be that way, be open to discussing and not just shutting down.

One thing that seems to be obvious to me is that many times when someone who is use to getting things their way is pushed to make changes, it causes friction. Because they don’t know how to accept change or don’t want to accept change because it doesn’t benefit them. Those of you who fit this description, tell me why do you buck so hard when confronted with this reality?