lifestyle

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Heart Chronicles – Unnecessary Lying

What I cannot understand for the life of me is why niggas spend so much time lying about what you want, what you looking for, and what your intentions are. It’s not really a difficult concept to understand, but it seems like people would rather lie, waste peoples time and create unnecessary mental and emotional uncertainty, all because you won’t be real with what you want. The simple solution to this is for people to be honest with themselves first, which should allow them to be honest with the people they talk to after that. If you find trouble being real, then at the very least just keep things on a low stress level situation. If you know you not ready for something real, keep it at a friend level or a fuck friend level, if you wanna know what you getting before you commit. Another thing you could do, if you’re not comfortable doing that, just stop blowing bullshit and then disappearing after. Be the man that you are and just let it be known the whole situation.

All of these options to me present opportunity for situations to end without burning a bridge that you may want to revisit one day. One life lesson I learned is that you never know when someone from your past may come back to be present in your future. And in those cases, often times you find yourself wanting to revisit things because maybe you’re in a better place with life, but you forgot how you wronged them in the past and so you don’t get that chance in the future. The main thing is, and maybe some really don’t care, you never know who could be meant for you, but you spend too much time trying to be slick or have it all your way and you lose something that could be special. Even bigger than that common respect says you should at least be upfront with someone that’s not just a fuck. One thing I respect someone for is the ability to be honest and say they just wanna fuck, nothing more and nothing less. That establishes the dynamic from the jump, leaving no room for false pretense.

Part of the reason lies are unnecessary is because you never know if the person you’re lying to feels the same way you do. In creating situations where you lie or just flat out disappear without giving any reason for what’s going on, you rob the person of knowing why you left and again create unnecessary mental pauses within the mind of someone. One of the biggest lies I hear all the time when someone wants to tell me why they’re single is because they were mistreated, abused, misused, unappreciated and fill in the blank with every negative that you can think of. Meanwhile, in your dealings with that person they’re showing you all the traits that they claim someone gave to them. And isn’t that part of the problem with lies. When you’re the one that is displaying the actions that you claim were given to you, it creates this schism that you were the one who fucked up, but you had to blame it on the others because they’re not present to refute what you said. Again, unnecessary lies, wasting time.

When you sit and spend weeks having conversation and building and bond, then you erase yourself as quickly as you showed up, it makes everything you said in those weeks feel like a lie. Because the truth is if you were true to the things you said about yourself prior, you wouldn’t have removed yourself randomly and sneakily without expressing why. I am a big believer that you should be willing to face someone when you decide you want to walk away from something that isn’t just a physical connection. The same way that you take the time and energy to start engaging with someone, is the same way you should be eager to face them and explain why you are walking away. If it’s because you’re not ready say so, if it’s because you found a better connection with someone else say so, if it’s because you got overwhelmed say so. Whatever the reason be willing to say it, because then you make someone have a feeling that they’re not worth the truth.

The worst is when you have someone speaking out both sides of their necks because the outside influences have infiltrated inside their mind. When you make a decision that you want to deal with someone, it’s not about what anyone outside y’all relationship that should be impacting what you do, it should be the two people. But, when lies are involved, you see why people keep their business to themselves. The lies can go both ways, and I’m very well aware of that, but again I believe that when you confront someone with the truth you have a much easier ability to remove yourself quickly when the truth gets exposed in the light. I don’t understand why people claim to want something, but then run the lies that waste time. If you want a person then embrace it, stop running or looking for other people give you dirt to allow you to run to your insecurities.

Lies hurt and then impact of the lies can hurt even more. Just be real with yourself at all times, and therefore, you will be real with others as well. Stop the cycle of hurt, by not contributing to someone else’s pain.

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Heart Chronicles – One Sided relationships hurt

I honestly can’t explain why I feel like this all the time, but with so many friendships, relationships, situationships, people love to wait for me to do everything and then bitch or complain when I put some responsibility on them. Who the fuck really thinks that any real relationship is healthy if you don’t have consistent, equal communication? I will understand why people want to deal with folks, but you don’t want to be responsible for playing your part in the relationship. I do not accept the excuses of living a busy life, because believe me, my life isn’t just a piece of cake, but I know how to make time for the friends and important people in my life. It’s really not a hard thing to do, if you ask me. It’s something that if you really care for someone, you will make sure you make the effort necessary to let them know you care.

I’m also going to honestly say that the shit hurts too. It feels like I’m living in a time period that I don’t fit in when it comes to talking and communicating. Most people want to just do their own thing and come and go out of people’s lives whenever they feel it’s convenient for them, when in reality, the truth is it’s a fuck ass way out of having to be a real and responsible friend or lover. It makes me feel very unappreciated and that’s such an awful feeling to have. For me, I feel like if I chose to be part of your life, I owe it to you to make sure we have regular conversations. That doesn’t mean that we gotta talk every day or every other day for that much, but it does mean that we should be talking regularly enough that I’m not wondering why the fuck do I have your number in the first place.

These feelings take on even more significance when you’re a best friend or lover and the only time I can talk to you is if I text or call you first. Again, understanding that if you have kids your time is limited. If you take care of family or you have a career that demands your time, you may not be able to have routine conversation, but again that should not prevent you from communicating. I will never understand someone who says they want you, but you don’t have time to talk regularly if I’m not initiating the conversations. How can you want someone, but you can’t make time for them? Talking and making time for the people you care for are the things that are free in life to do. It’s also something allows for them to know that you are interested in them.

The worst thing that you can do is to let someone feel like they’re in it alone. It has a tendency to make that person feel smart or not important to you. The second worst thing that you can do, is to give a bunch of bullshit ass excuses and make it seem like they should always be understanding, while you take no responsibility for your lack of actions. The third worst thing you can do is ignore the concern they are expressing to you. When you do that, you’re setting yourself up for things to end on a sour note. People don’t seem to understand that most times, when someone is telling you about something they don’t like that you’re doing, or they’re telling you how what you’re doing, or not doing, is making them feel, that is their way of showing they still care about what you do. Which also means that they still care about you as well. Once that person stops talking and telling you about the situation, that usually means they’ve come to their own conclusion about things, and you might not like how it ends up.

I’m not sure who told people to start acting like they don’t have to do their part, and do it consistently, but it’s causing so many relationships and friendships to come to an end. No one likes to feel like they’re being fucked around with. So, stop the fuck shit and act like you want the friendship or relationship that you claim you do.

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Accountability Compassion Honesty

Simple and direct, I apply these three words to every part of life for me and that’s how I would hope others would engage with me, but I learn every day that I can only make that the standard for admission, I can’t make people believe and live these words like I do. Now yes, from time to time there may be a need for a slight bend of the truth. Mostly when I’ve wanted to get out of work, LOL, or get out of doing something that I really did not want to do. But on the whole, the baseline practice is to be accountable to myself and others, to have compassion for the situations that happen in life, and to be honest in my efforts, my deeds, words and actions when interacting with people and myself.

All three of these traits seem to be very difficult for people to develop with consistency. It’s as if they’re allergic to practicing developing traits that would make daily interactions mostly humane and enjoyable. No matter it be relationships, friendships, or any other type of ship, being able to say that you are accountable to yourself and those people, that you have compassion for the challenges life presents to you and others, and to say that you are honest about your intentions and the words that you speak. And then we wonder why there is so much hate and anger in the country today. We wonder why people aren’t willing to extend grace and mercy to each other. You don’t understand why there is so much killing and disrespect going around. While all the answers will not lie in the practice of these three traits, I can promise you if we all practiced these things consistently and with intent, the world we live in, the country we occupy, the state we call home, the communities we inhabit would be better off, would be more pleasant to travel through.

I’ve never come across so many guys who seem to want to be part of your life but be so unwilling to be accountable to the equality needed for that to be a reality. What makes you think that you can just take and take and take, but not be willing to give back when the time calls for it. And what makes you think that lying about what you already know would make the situation any better. Accountability is something that gays struggle with mightily. Too many are worried about who can get the upper hand on who. Who can make who look more foolish than they look? Worrying about all the wrong shit, not concerned enough with how their actions make them appear in the eyes of the ones they seek partnership from. How can you be so grown, and yet so unwilling to accept the fact that part of the problem is your unwillingness to be honest, which means you will not hold yourself accountable for what you do, nor will you allow anyone else to hold you to account because you won’t accept the truth?

Then to me the biggest part that’s missing from folks is the ability to have compassion. When you know that someone is going through something that is legit, no matter how big or small it may seem to you, extending the compassion that they may not be the same person you’re use to while they figure it out is so important. Compassion takes three seconds really; it means just taking a breath before you speak. It means allowing yourself to imagine yourself in the other persons place and give the grace needed to come through it. Often times we expect people to react to things the way that we would, or to have the poise and resiliency that you may have, forgetting that life hits everyone different and if you really care about the person, you will let them handle life their way. Giving your true and honest opinion when asked, not trying to overrun their lives. And the honest part seems to really not need much explanation. Stop bullshittin people and just be authentic. Don’t lie about shit you don’t have because you want to impress someone. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not because you don’t like where you are. Trying to be real, you might find out that people are more willing to help you, or grow with you when you’re real, let them see that you might not have it all together, but you’re making efforts to try and need help. And if you think about that example, it provides an opportunity for all three dynamics to be presented. Your honesty gives the accountability, compassion and honesty that needs to be on display.

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Pieces of Me

Sometimes through the slanted holes in the dark room I try to get a glimpse of the people that occupy the space. I hear the voices and feel the presence, but it feels as if no one is really there. My mind races trying to figure out how is this possible? How can I hear the voices, feel the presence, but not see the people? Some days it feels like they’re right there, peering over my shoulders waiting for me to make a move or introduce myself to the room. Other times, it’s like we’re all here together and we know each other very well. No need for introductions, ice breakers or anything of the sort, just start talking and get down to the issues at hand. So I begin to lay out my story of what’s going on and one of them stops me before I can get going good, letting me know that how I’m seeing it isn’t actually how it’s going at all. They tell me that I’m missing some details and they begin talking to fill in the missing parts of the story.

That conversation ends and so does that day, week, month, all filled with the same types of situations. Numerous conversations from the different people in the room, expressing the different feelings and thoughts felt regarding the events of the life happening around me. I half expect everyone to say that I’m wrong, but this time that isn’t what happens. Three of them agree with what I said, adding that their feelings are even more bothered by the shit than how I’m feeling. The other two don’t agree, but they don’t disagree either. Instead, they provide additional context, expressing the more alone, unappreciated feelings and description of the situation. Listening to how they feel about things, I find myself torn between what is the reality and what is more of an illusion. It’s like there are moments where I feel like I have control of the situation and agreement from those who know most intimately of the situations, and then out of nowhere, one of them throws a grenade on the whole situation. Showing emotions, I never thought about, but clearly were present or, at least, worthy of consideration.

Somewhere in the middle of all these different conversations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions I realize that there aren’t different people physically in the room, all of these people are within me. I am flipping through the different personalities that exist within me. All of them seemingly unlocked, awake and ready to give their thoughts. They are ready to live and have their turn at the wheel to direct and guide my life. And while that can be difficult for the rest of the world to try and figure out how to interact with me on a daily basis, for me it’s magnified by tenfold. Trying to know which version of me is going to show up today. Whether it will be just or two or three people that I need to manage and satisfy their desires, needs, feelings, and wants. It’s like one day I wake up and the world makes sense, I appreciate myself for what I’ve accomplished and come back from, and then some days I wake up and I wanna say fuck all these people who take me for granted, who abuse my kindness and compassion. And all of those feelings and emotions that exist between those two extremes.

It’s as if these with each betrayal, with each heart break, with each disappointment a piece of me broke and another personality arrived. Coming to protect me, to try and shield me from the dangers of fucked up ass people. To shield me from leeches and trash people while I try to heal from the scars torn into my heart and mind. In the past I would be able to let them out to be the shield of protection and put them back to sleep after I’ve sufficiently healed and regained my composure. Yet, I feel that with the passing of times, the increased frequency and severity of the trauma I suffered, they came out and stopped allowing me to put them back into a dormant state. The result is often mixed and confusing, usually resulting in varied personalities within the day. My wants and desires raging at times, sex, food, weed, sleep, companionship. Most times I’m able to satisfy all of these desires, but when they more complex and robust I can’t and the depression sets in. Like I wonder why I haven’t achieved more when I look at what I’ve done and am capable of. I wonder why I don’t have my three children I so carefully selected the individuals to contribute to that being possible. Then thinking why, I am not married with the one I love. How is it that I package all the things niggas say they want, but they can’t commit to when it’s right there for them.

Now the crazy part of it all is when I’m back to the main personality, I start to figure out that maybe the reason that I haven’t accomplished more is because the more that these personalities have existed, the more I’ve been torn and twisted with different wants and interests because they’re so diametrically different from each other and require a little different attention in order to feel whole. There is the dilemma that I really have no clue how to rectify. Hell, I don’t know if I can do anything about it at this point. The pieces of me that have been taken, have been filled by my personalities and they refuse to be put away, instead they rage like wildfire, and I battle myself over what I want and how to go about achieving those goals. Therein lies the pieces of me.

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Don’t Tease Me, Just Leave Me

I am a person who enjoys a good tease as long as the end result pays off for all involved. See, it is my opinion that a little teasing is good for both people. You get to stir up some trouble and stimulate the mind and the body. What really makes the tease effective is when you both know that what’s going to happen when the two of you get together will make the tease all worth it. What sucks, is when the tease isn’t just a sexual tease, but it’s an emotional one as well. Those are the kind that if both people aren’t on the same page, and both people stop playing the games, that it could lead to continuous emotional trauma. And that is recipe for disaster, better yet, a recipe for mental instability.

There have been a couple situations where I’ve involved with guys and we did the dance. We talked and flirted something serious. Mentally, emotionally, and sexually charging each other up in ways that many have never even began to touch with me. Teetering at the edge of a dynamic union, only to have the bridge collapse because one person decides they only want to do the dance and don’t want to really commit. That’s the thing about being a tease, you can do such a good job that you fuck up the other person once you pull away and that’s more damaging than just being a sexual tease. Truth is most people probably don’t mind a little teasing as long as you don’t go too far, and once you do then all bets are off. For me that’s one thing that I could never wrap my mind around to understand. Why do some people feel that since past people damaged them emotionally and mentally, that the best thing to do is tease and toy with people’s emotions in the present?

You become an expert at finding the right words to say and the rights actions to take in order to make sure that your rouse works the way you want it to. It’s also clear that everyone has different reasons for their actions. Some people tease because they are afraid of being hurt again, so before they do that they would rather get their fix of that emotional feel good, then run away back to their comfortable place. You also have people who do it because it’s what they’ve become use to doing. Put it another way, they know they shit they doing is fucked up, but it’s what makes them feel good about themselves so as the old saying goes “hurt people, hurt people.” To me it’s only one of these two situations that you belong in. Any other type of excuse is just a long hand version of slotting into one of these two dynamics. Unfortunately I’ve been exposed to both types of people. Learning how to handle each type is difficult because there so many different ways to do the same types of things, so you have to take each one separately and dissect them accordingly.

My answer to you all who feel the need to be the constant tease, is to leave me the fuck alone!! I’m tired of attracting the mentally and emotionally damaged guy who wants to be understood or wants to be loved and accepted for the damage they have, so they can helped be healed to become the person they use to be. Don’t use me for that purpose, get a therapist or ask me as a friend for help and don’t try to fuck me with in that way. I’m not your rag doll that you can fuck over, use and throw away once you feel that you are recovered, or you got the fix you needed to carry you to the next time. Case in point, this one asshole use to love to say he want me and I fit the ideal guy he looks for. You know all the same bullshit that so many gays spout out they mouths like they chucking the shell of sunflower seeds. The problem with what he was saying was the actions never measured up. The result of this was his ass got cussed out worse than most and then I blocked him. Only for a couple years to go by and he try to come back and convince me he’s changed. I let three days pass allowing for certain situations to present themselves and I saw the same shit. Suffice to say, no cuss out needed, no words to be spoke, I silently blocked his number and quietly walked away.

The other two iterations of this situation are very similar, only differing in the people and number of years that the rouse went on. One guy, we had a 13 year love affair. Talking, texting and seeing each other off and on. Making sure that when we were on, the world couldn’t stop what were doing. But when he decided he was ready to walk away he disappeared faster than he showed up. Always using some excuse of lack of readiness as his reasoning for why he needed to get a break. Loving the atmosphere he built up. See we had so much history and we knew so much about each other, we knew how to pull the right heart strings to get what we wanted most times. I never wanted to take advantage of this, no matter how much I had been hurt or damaged by others, including him, I never wanted to play the game and not pay it off. I always wanted the end to be what we talked about so many times. Only, it took that long to realize it will only and always be just a tease. Giving me a glimpse of what the present and future would be like if he were serious, disappointed knowing all I get is to sample because the tease is all he cares for.

The second guy, well he doesn’t have as long a history but he knew how to do the right things that pushed the envelope to it’s edge without forcing the contents out of the package. While his personality was direct and sharp, when he was in my presence it was like he became a completely different guy. He would be soft and affectionate. Loving on me just as much as I loved on him. Wanting to just be cuddled up under me the entire time he was with me. Saying things before we link up, like he’s ready to stop playing the games we been playin for the past couple years. He ready to make the next step and move. Only to have the night end and the next day begin and all of sudden he ready to go back to the place that he spent days and days telling me he ready to leave. It took some time for me to understand that this was the tease he wanted to feel. He needed to feel that comfort, peace and affection. He wants to have that feeling of being wanted as much as he wants, and once he gets that feeling, he’s ready to go back to the life of the streets. I tried to give you that and more, but the dance you wanted to play I can’t tolerate anymore.

The long and short is I’m sure we all know these type of people. They can trick you sometimes because the words they say are usually true. They want the love and affection and sex and all the things that come with it. But they don’t want for a long time, you’re jus the short term means to an end.

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Body My Way

Most time I read health conscious blogs and articles and they’re usually trying too hard to get you to change the way you live your life. This will not be one of those types of blogs. I simply want to give you some tips and insights that may help you if you want to try to naturally have a good shape and healthier lifestyle. So don’t worry as you keep reading you won’t get brainwashed.. LOL.

One of the things that makes me happy about myself, is that I’ve maintained a relatively healthy body, especially in comparison to some of the friends I have. I’ve never really tried to be the health nut freak. I don’t avoid eating things that I like, nor do I avoid having a drink or two if I want, when I want. I haven’t stopped smoking my trees either. What I did learn to do was eat and drink the things that detox my body and keep my body healthy. Now, this will not be the perfect elixir, but I promise you when you decide that you wanna have a healthy life, you find the things that will make your body have the balance that you need to. You also will put the nutrients and necessary things in your system to keep you healthy and feeling good.

For me, I’ve always tried to make sure I get my green vegetables in my diet all the time. I was once told by my doctor to make sure to have dark green leafy veggies with all your meals. Now I’m not gone tell you that I accomplish that goal all the time, but I definitely try to make sure I hit that mark when I cook, which is usually 3 to 4 times a week. So I make sure to get close to hitting that mark. Why them greens is important is because you get the health value you need. The iron and shit that keeps your body running smoothly. It also helps to turn your insides so you have regular bowel movements. We all know how important it is to be regular. Not only from a comfort point of view, but health wise when you are regular then you’re releasing the toxins in your body. For those who may not know, a majority of your illnesses come from your body not consistently releasing those harmful substances in your body and they build up, mixing with other chemicals ingested and there you have it.

Another thing that I do, and it helps for multiple purposes, is I drink high protein smoothies mixed with berries. I learned just how important berries are to the health of the body, especially blueberries. Knowing that blueberries are superfoods, you get soo much value from having a regular helping in your diet. I make every smoothie with a nice helping of blueberries, raspberries and blackberries. They clean you out, give you healthy skin, healthy heart and plenty of energy. I also don’t eat beef or pork. Now let me be fully transparent, I’m not recommending that you stop eating the cow and the pig. I made the decision and it was the best choice I could’ve made. I felt the changes to my body once I stopped and I haven’t went through many of the physical aches and pains lots of my friends have, who do still eat beef and pork. Am I saying it’s all correlated? No, I’m really not, but I do think there is some symmetry between the two.

Ironically, for years I use to try figure out how to gain weight within my old eating habits, when I ate beef and pork and had much more carefree diet, LOL. Nothing really worked, even though my grandma use to always say she was gone fatten me up one way or the other. Truth is she couldn’t do it either. My eating habit changes, and inclusion of protein drinks and bars and eating healthier actually made the difference for me. I still eat whatever I want, when I want, but my healthy weight gains happened after I stopped eating beef and pork. After I started to have healthy green veggies on a regular basis. After I started drinking my protein shakes and after I included a high fiber, high natural berries diet. I also make sure to drink plenty of water every day. That too has been one of the biggest changes over the years. I don’t like to drink cold water either, I drink room temperature water. I learned that it helps the digestive system process better. Try it out for yourself and see how you like the difference.

Now reading this blog, you shouldn’t come away with me doing anything other than giving you some tips, advice and suggestions of what to do. I just want to make sure people understand just how changing the little things, and some big things, about how you eat can change how your body breaks down food, gets rid of wastes and ultimately, may save your life. The choice is yours and the decisions are for your mind and heart to make. Ohhhh, and a quick aside, sometimes you should meet in fresh nuts. LOL, not those kind, but walnuts, sliced and whole.

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Unleashed, Unhinged, Uncontrolled

Something that I have always prided myself on being able to do was controlling my urges, and the different personalities that roamed within me. I always knew that there were different versions of me that could come out and be active, but I was pretty disciplined enough to keep them in check, until I was ready for one of them to show themselves. You know there are always different situations that happen that makes you feel as though you have to show people a different side of you. It lets them know that you ain’t the bitch they think you are. Or maybe you it to be known that you won’t be taken advantage of any longer. It could also be the case that you want your sexual freak to have his moment in the sun. All of these different personalities, and more, exist and for the longest I’ve been able to control them. Well, that’s all changed and I don’t think I have that control anymore. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I like it anymore, but I also don’t think I can control them anymore either.

As one person who has seen a lot of things, I understand that often times the personalities in our heads are created out of necessity. In order to survive, we find ways to protect our vulnerable selves or personalities from the wolves that are attacking us. Then, once those attacks are neutralized we can allow our “normal self ” to reappear. Only there are times that I feel like we never really let that person show back up. We tease it’s existence back out most times. That’s when you start seeing the representative of yourself show it’s personality more and more. You give what you want people to see and keep hidden what you don’t want people to take advantage of. I will take it multiple steps further. Once you have been exposed and hurt enough, not only do you not let the original version of you exist, you never let that person come back out. You create these different personalities of yourself to cope with the hurt, pain and anger of life and you switch from one to the next depending on the day, time and situation. Some call it losing yourself. I call it becoming unleashed. You ask me why do I use that word, because most times, the other characters you create are more sinister, devious versions of the real you.

Once the harsh realities of life start to claw away at your heart, you have to create personalities in your head in order to deal with the damage done to your mind, soul or spirit. Lose a child and see how you find ways to manage with that pain. Get your heart broken and watch how you mentally find ways to adjust to the new reality. Let someone abuse you and see the mindset you create in order to survive that ordeal and get away. Have things you worked hard to obtain taken away from you because of someone you trusted and watch how you make changes to avoid a repeat of that situation. It is the events of life that force you to create these alternate personalities to be able to handle those dark, painful moments in life. Well, what happens when you’re pushed too far or things happen too frequently and you decide that you can no longer be who you once were? Or maybe you decide that you don’t want to restrict the people who live in your head. Then maybe it’s not even a choice you consciously make. It could be that your subconscious makes the choice for you. All those thoughts and actions that you just use to think about and wonder what it would be like if you behaved in such a fashion now become reality. You are now living it out in real time. The chains that you put on the more unhinged versions of yourself are now off.

I think about how effective it has been for me to have all these personalities free roaming around now in my head. And the truth is I’m not happy with it now. There are a lot of things that have happened that have shocked me, but there are times where I feel like I’m looking down at myself and wondering what the fuck am I doing? I’m trying to figure out how the fuck did I become this reckless and disconnected from things I use to hold so true to my core? I’ve always had a high sex drive and been a freak, but damn that shit been blown of the water now. I don’t have the consistent pattern with my routine that I had before and I can’t really see why, until I think about when I was fucked over. It’s hard when the personalities are moving at once, because I feel myself thinking from those different personality points it my decisions are always so scattered as a result. And I can hear the opposing view speaking up, why don’t you get therapy or counseling? Good question, are you going to give me money to pay for that shit? Cuz them sessions are expensive as fuck and I don’t have the bank built up for that at this moment in time.

I used to think that I was just coping with life and I would get through it and allow myself to shine back through. The more time that has passed, I’m realizing that this iteration of me seems to be here to stay, and I’m actively working to find a way to change that. To control what I have unleashed is a difficult thing. Part of me wants to the genie back in the bottle, while other parts want to just continue roaring uncontrolled. I miss some of things that I now don’t seem capable of doing anymore. Finding my way back to me is tough, and the truth is, it really may never happen again.

Tell me what you think….

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Memories In Darkness

Greatness comes from failure as much as it comes from success. I’m sure someone else may have said that, but I’m the only person I know that my ears have actually heard say that. And now my eyes seeing me write that on this blog is the first time I’ve seen those words written just like that. It is my belief that true greatness in whatever it is you strive for excellence in comes from having failure in your life. It teaches you how to respond to adversity, it shows you how to recover from disappointment, it reveals if you have the character to be a survivor after going through difficulty. All of these things are needed if you are going to come through tough times, or dark moments. What happens when those dark memories don’t subside? What happens when you’ve found your way to recover from those deeply challenging situations, but your mind is still damaged and your soul is still stained?

There are things I go back to and wonder why did they happen, and then I spin forward and I ask myself, why the fuck am I still feeling so damaged by these events? In part I understand, because these events when presented separately and far enough apart, create these life altering moments that can take time to recover from, if ever. On the other hand, when you compound trauma one on top of the other for months and years, what you get is a fucked up human trying to figure out how to ground himself again in himself, let alone in society that has beaten him down like a bear mauling an animal in the wilderness. You might say that’s a strong analogy, and my response would be if you knew me and understood the extent to which some shit has happened, you would say that’s a fair comparison. All at the same time I’m not one who seeks sympathy or pity. I don’t want or need anyone to feel sorry for me and what I’ve experienced, I just wish I really had true understanding and I do wish I could openly talk about the darkness I feel with people who really can understand, relate and give the compassion and love I seek to help heal a damaged soul.

God knows all and I’ve cried my eyes out numerous time in my private talks with the creator. I’ve asked so many times why me? Why was I chosen to have these particular obstacles put in front of me? And honestly I haven’t seen anything revealed to met yet that fully helps me understand the plan or reasons why. Yes, there are people who look to me that have had similar experiences or were traveling down the road to being exposed to some of the same things I have and I was able to either talk them down to prevent it, or I was there to be able to help them through it. In that respect I understand why I was chosen to deal with some of those situations, but then I ask myself did I really need to be exposed to all of what I was just be the shepherd to protect the flock? Maybe I need to keep living life and in time more of the puzzle will be put together for me to see why I had to endure so much dark energy.

The hard part is when you feel like you’ve got all this dark memory inside you, you don’t really know how to release it so it’s not haunting you in the stillness of the night or day. So many times I’ve been listening to music or working out, times where my brain can just roam, no direction or instructions given for my thoughts and my mind carries me back to the dark places. Or it takes me back to times when I had gotten to a certain place of satisfaction, only to remind me of the destruction. Showing me the painful memories and images that I tried so hard to work past and bury. Is that what truly dark memories do to you? Do they root themselves in the deepest part of your mind, ready to resurface when you let the subconscious mind free to roam? It disturbs me so much because it just constantly reminds me of just how damaged I really am. And I know what some of you might say too.. Have you thought about it from the positive aspect? Your mind is also reminding you of just how much you have overcome and just how strong of a person you are? I thought about that too and while you have a point, I hit back with, how many times to do you need to be reminded of the dark past you left? Don’t you realize that you’re also being reminded of what you lost? It is also a perverse situation where you don’t get to move past it because it routinely is being thrown back into you memory and sight.

The darkness hurts, and more importantly than anything, it changes you to someone that you really aren’t sure how to handle. At least in my case I don’t know how to control the darker version of myself. I find myself thinking and doing that I never would have done before. I see so many unusual character traits that never showed before all the trauma. I’ve lost a sense of the light that I used to operate with and please be aware, dark light shows just like bright light. Manipulation is mother fucka and those who know how do it masterfully can control things so easily. So that leaves me to try and figure it out once again… How do you control the memories in darkness?

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Trapped In Time and Space

I awoke this morning with my mind racing as usual, wondering how the events of my life have unfolded how they have. I thought about all the major decisions I made and how they impacted me in so many different ways. I thought about what it would have been like had I stuck with one situation and not landed in other. Would my child be here, would I be married? And yes before you ask it was with a guy that I was engaged and we had decided to have a child together. That story has already been told in previous writings so I wont dig back in those details again. I also wonder, going further back in time, if I had the chance to ride with a guy with years of history where would we be today. My heart says it would be marriage that lasts a lifetime, my brain says the shit would ended tragically. My mind has been in a time warp when it comes to you for the past fifteen years, and it drives me crazy.

The beginning was as unexpected and amazing as anyone could have hoped for. Then the shit became like a major motion picture. It had all the twists and turns, the plots changing on a dime, deceit and lies that have to covered with more lies. Truths being exposed and acceptance and forward movement after a “heart to heart”. Only for there to be more lies and deceit. You rinse and repeat, change the years and the characters involved, but the main protagonist and antagonist remain the same. The issues that cause the turmoil seem to be different but ,when thought about in its totality, they revolve around the exact same narrative. It’s the shit you truly make a movie of and you see of the main characters either move on or die. See in these kinds of movies, after you’ve seen one or ten or however many you watch, you know how the story will ultimately go. One person is truly going to get tired of the shit and they will walk away forever. The one who did all the shit will realize just how fucked up they were and once they truly have changed it will be too fucking late. Because when they had the chance to be real and come to the light with the shit, they kept playing games. They truly hardened the heart of the one who loved them and for that, they have to put in the past forever.

Saying all of that it’s easy as fuck to write. It’s super easy to think of and definitely easy to act out. But doing the shit in real life is a bitch. The truth of the matter is, most people, no matter how much they want to rid themselves of someone they can’t just close them out. If the person comes back with a presentation that seems contrite and they show adequate levels of regret, usually they can get another chance. See the key is to know how to use words and the mental advantage you have over someone to get them to believe that it is different and they are the one who is holding on to the past iterations of who you were. The reality is the reason for that is because of the person who did the bullshit to begin with in the first place. See what you don’t realize is that the pattern that you created gets thought about over and over, so once it’s recognized you don’t want to hear the bullshit again. You really want to see and hear change and difference. Growth is possible for all, and yes we all can change. But really when you change it’s noticeable from the jump. Nothing really needs to be said, it’s felt and understood. Yet, you’re like the forbidden fruit hanging on the tree. You know that you shouldn’t touch and taste it, but you have a special connection and bond that sucks you in every time.

You allow the emotions and feelings to rush back to you and then you find yourself wanting more, wanting to see just how much has changed and if you can truly let yourself go and fulfil the promises y’all made all those years ago. And then, one day when you’re really just trying to move a conversation forward, you see exactly what you knew was still there all along. The shit ain’t changed at all, it just took time for it show. What do you do though after you find this out. How do you move and react? My answer is to be as legit and real as you can. Let them see that while they may be stuck playing the same games, you truly have grown and become wiser. Call it out, be direct, put the shit in his face and then give them the peace and love that you have. Show them that this is what real change looks like. And then make the decision that you know you have to make. Take your time, secure your emotions and finally walk away. Cry, smile and love yourself.

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Just Keep Spinning

The world mental anguish is a slippery place to be. The struggle with depression and self doubt usually permeates your mind more than a little bit. The hot stove of feeling accomplished and validated, versus wondering if it’s all a setup is so disturbing. It can be difficult to appreciate just how much the cosmic forces have brought you to a path in life that you dreamed of, that you thought about for many, many years. Hearing your thoughts and dreams as a child and young adult in your head while the movie is playing right before your very eyes. The other side of you is saying, do you really deserve this? Are you really the right person for this dream to be coming to fruition for? See that is the push and pull that one can never really escape. It seems that you are destined to walk the tight rope between believing in yourself and your own dreams, and criticizing yourself because you don’t believe that it’s meant to be for you.

The mind set that I present to you is one that is experienced my millions of people across the world. Hell, maybe even billions. People live with self doubt and confidence issues all the time. Most of times, you never see it in that person. You don’t know the extent of how deep it goes. But, if you’re really close to these individuals, you get to peek behind the curtain to see just how debilitating it really is. To actively wonder if this really real, while you’re in the middle of completing one of most productive and potentially life changing meetings in your life, is kinda normal, but also kinda insane. Who really continuously doubts themselves in the face of consistent positive changes being brought into their life? I guess it really is true that once you’ve been burned by life a number of times, the cynic in you becomes the primary character and the believer in you has to wait for further validation. Then again, maybe that’s just the mind of a person who really struggles with their own self confidence. And let me make sure I’m covering all the bases, it’s not just the professional or family issues that fuck you up. It’s the personal ones with other people that usually tend to do the most damage.

Imagine getting promoted into your first formal leadership role. One that, though you don’t have a million years of experience, you are very well qualified for. Only to be constantly disrespected, belittled, marginalized by the other newly hired manager who is an older Black woman. Your same race, with a child who is in your age range, and instead of her celebrating your accomplishment and reinforcing you at a time of some uncertainty, she is the primary person trying to tear you down and sabotage your opportunity. And to be fair, there was plenty of reinforcement else where and from people who are closer and mean more, but to have a peer that you once looked up to because of their approach dog you out after that accomplishment, it’s like being spat on. Someone taking the oxygen and cutting it off a bit, because not only do you have to fight the Black stigma in Corporate America, but you don’t even have an ally who could fully relate to that struggle.

Why is that one scenario so impactful, because throughout time you have been hit with scenarios similar to that. You have individuals who are suppose to be supporters and reinforcers, only to let you down when things change. Or to fall off, or become a critic when the changes don’t really benefit them anymore. Yes, you are confident enough to carry forward, knowing that your skills and expertise qualify you. That whatever is coming to you in that moment you have more than earned and deserve to have happening to you. But, the heat that comes to you from those you expected to be your advocates is startling and throws you. It leaves a little residual doubt that can build momentum and sit over you, casting a shadow that you must out run. Why would someone want to live with these mental scars tormenting them so frequently? Part of it is motivation and the other part is to remind you. People ain’t shit sometimes. And most times they only want you for what the fuck you can give them. And you do happen to stumble upon a real ass person. You better keep them for as long as their season is. Soak up all the resources that they provide and reciprocate that shit as hard as they give it to you.

I struggle with these demons every day. And the sad part is just as much as I felt high and in the clouds after such a dynamic and positive meeting. The minute I dropped the call my mind went racing and wandering. Questioning if what just happened was real. Wondering why the energy I’ve given in other places isn’t being returned back. Thinking if I’m leaving myself open to be fucked again and I just can’t see it yet. I know, I shouldn’t be thinking like that at this moment. But man, after being fucked over as much as I have, I can’t help but to. A madness that just keeps spinning.

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