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Heart Chronicles – Closure is like a drug

You know one of the most difficult things to do is move on from someone without having “closure.” And when you ask people what does that word really mean, you get so many different answers. That is because everyone takes closure to mean something different. You see a lot of times when someone feels a situation hasn’t had its proper ending, they will continue going back to date someone until they reach their hearts content. In my mind I feel like that means until they get their hearts broke, in one way or another. It is the thing that people chase almost as much as they chase love. Wanting to have a definitive answer as to why a relationship didn’t work out, when all signs seemed to point to the match being a long lasting one.

One of the hardest things for us to realize is that chasing closure can be like waiting to get a hit. It can be debilitating; it can be addicting and suffocating at the same time. Someone you had invested your time, energy and resources into turns you away or leaves you without much explanation and you don’t know yourself why it happened. That’s enough to make the most sane person itch for a conclusion so bad that they can’t leave the person alone until they reach the end. Also, I’ve seen the other way play to be true: the person feels that they’ve never gotten the best out of someone, and they refuse to let the relationship die until they have the relationship end on their time and in the manner they see fit. I’ve seen this scenario in action too, one of my closest friends will not quit dealing with a man who has fucked him over time and time again, rekindling the situation under the name of closure.

Closure makes people hold on to an old flame longer than they really should, because they believe that there is still something to resolve. You trick yourself into believing that you didn’t get the ending that was needed to close the book on that person, so you let yourself give them power to tear at the strings of your heart. The addiction of the desire to know that things are over and there is no hope to fix it, overpowers the rationale of looking being present in a relationship and seeing that it’s not going to work. It leaves you looking for the one thing that is a deal breaker, instead of seeing that the totality of things happening means it’s time to walk away.

The truth about closure is that you have to define what that looks like before you go seeking it from a situation. You need to know what it is that you need from that person in order to say goodbye. Or, you need to know what you need to be said to you or feel so you can peacefully walk away. I’ve had a couple of relationships where that closure was never reached, and I’ve handled each one differently trying to obtain that final chapter. In one situation, I kept that door to my heart open for him. I would never allow for the ties to be severed because I never felt that we had the time needed to decide if we could make a future together. All the while, I was missing the signs that were flashing in my face, that this was something being held onto from the past. That he knew that I was still in love with him. Time, energy and emotions went into someone who was never going to give me what I wanted and I chased closure with him for years. Feeling the high of highs when we were together, and the low of lows when he toyed with my emotions.

Finally, I had come into the present moment and realized he was taking advantage of knowing my heart still wanted him. I found my closure in thinking about all the things that had happened, and all the things that never happened. I allowed myself to make peace with the fact that he was not the one for me, and not as real as he pretended to be. The second situation I handled the complete opposite, but it’s left me with the same hole, craving for answers. He walked away from me, no reason given, no warning either. Just waited for me to leave the house and by the time I came home, just a note on my door, claiming that he was moving across the country. To this day I haven’t heard from or seen him again. I have no idea why it ended and no clues to point me in the direction of finality. And while I have not and will not search for him, it really fucks with my mental that I don’t know why he did what he did.

To someone who reads this and says what the point.. when you hung on too long you got hurt, when you let it go without trying to reach closure, you still are hurt. The point is that you have to allow yourself to be okay with not knowing why, not getting that closure and when you feel yourself thinking about the past, remember that they don’t deserve to occupy space in your mind, find the lesson from the failed relationship and move forward. Don’t let the drug of closure bog you down, keep you stuck and let you miss out on who could be waiting for you.

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Accountability Compassion Honesty

Simple and direct, I apply these three words to every part of life for me and that’s how I would hope others would engage with me, but I learn every day that I can only make that the standard for admission, I can’t make people believe and live these words like I do. Now yes, from time to time there may be a need for a slight bend of the truth. Mostly when I’ve wanted to get out of work, LOL, or get out of doing something that I really did not want to do. But on the whole, the baseline practice is to be accountable to myself and others, to have compassion for the situations that happen in life, and to be honest in my efforts, my deeds, words and actions when interacting with people and myself.

All three of these traits seem to be very difficult for people to develop with consistency. It’s as if they’re allergic to practicing developing traits that would make daily interactions mostly humane and enjoyable. No matter it be relationships, friendships, or any other type of ship, being able to say that you are accountable to yourself and those people, that you have compassion for the challenges life presents to you and others, and to say that you are honest about your intentions and the words that you speak. And then we wonder why there is so much hate and anger in the country today. We wonder why people aren’t willing to extend grace and mercy to each other. You don’t understand why there is so much killing and disrespect going around. While all the answers will not lie in the practice of these three traits, I can promise you if we all practiced these things consistently and with intent, the world we live in, the country we occupy, the state we call home, the communities we inhabit would be better off, would be more pleasant to travel through.

I’ve never come across so many guys who seem to want to be part of your life but be so unwilling to be accountable to the equality needed for that to be a reality. What makes you think that you can just take and take and take, but not be willing to give back when the time calls for it. And what makes you think that lying about what you already know would make the situation any better. Accountability is something that gays struggle with mightily. Too many are worried about who can get the upper hand on who. Who can make who look more foolish than they look? Worrying about all the wrong shit, not concerned enough with how their actions make them appear in the eyes of the ones they seek partnership from. How can you be so grown, and yet so unwilling to accept the fact that part of the problem is your unwillingness to be honest, which means you will not hold yourself accountable for what you do, nor will you allow anyone else to hold you to account because you won’t accept the truth?

Then to me the biggest part that’s missing from folks is the ability to have compassion. When you know that someone is going through something that is legit, no matter how big or small it may seem to you, extending the compassion that they may not be the same person you’re use to while they figure it out is so important. Compassion takes three seconds really; it means just taking a breath before you speak. It means allowing yourself to imagine yourself in the other persons place and give the grace needed to come through it. Often times we expect people to react to things the way that we would, or to have the poise and resiliency that you may have, forgetting that life hits everyone different and if you really care about the person, you will let them handle life their way. Giving your true and honest opinion when asked, not trying to overrun their lives. And the honest part seems to really not need much explanation. Stop bullshittin people and just be authentic. Don’t lie about shit you don’t have because you want to impress someone. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not because you don’t like where you are. Trying to be real, you might find out that people are more willing to help you, or grow with you when you’re real, let them see that you might not have it all together, but you’re making efforts to try and need help. And if you think about that example, it provides an opportunity for all three dynamics to be presented. Your honesty gives the accountability, compassion and honesty that needs to be on display.

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Pieces of Me

Sometimes through the slanted holes in the dark room I try to get a glimpse of the people that occupy the space. I hear the voices and feel the presence, but it feels as if no one is really there. My mind races trying to figure out how is this possible? How can I hear the voices, feel the presence, but not see the people? Some days it feels like they’re right there, peering over my shoulders waiting for me to make a move or introduce myself to the room. Other times, it’s like we’re all here together and we know each other very well. No need for introductions, ice breakers or anything of the sort, just start talking and get down to the issues at hand. So I begin to lay out my story of what’s going on and one of them stops me before I can get going good, letting me know that how I’m seeing it isn’t actually how it’s going at all. They tell me that I’m missing some details and they begin talking to fill in the missing parts of the story.

That conversation ends and so does that day, week, month, all filled with the same types of situations. Numerous conversations from the different people in the room, expressing the different feelings and thoughts felt regarding the events of the life happening around me. I half expect everyone to say that I’m wrong, but this time that isn’t what happens. Three of them agree with what I said, adding that their feelings are even more bothered by the shit than how I’m feeling. The other two don’t agree, but they don’t disagree either. Instead, they provide additional context, expressing the more alone, unappreciated feelings and description of the situation. Listening to how they feel about things, I find myself torn between what is the reality and what is more of an illusion. It’s like there are moments where I feel like I have control of the situation and agreement from those who know most intimately of the situations, and then out of nowhere, one of them throws a grenade on the whole situation. Showing emotions, I never thought about, but clearly were present or, at least, worthy of consideration.

Somewhere in the middle of all these different conversations, thoughts, feelings, and emotions I realize that there aren’t different people physically in the room, all of these people are within me. I am flipping through the different personalities that exist within me. All of them seemingly unlocked, awake and ready to give their thoughts. They are ready to live and have their turn at the wheel to direct and guide my life. And while that can be difficult for the rest of the world to try and figure out how to interact with me on a daily basis, for me it’s magnified by tenfold. Trying to know which version of me is going to show up today. Whether it will be just or two or three people that I need to manage and satisfy their desires, needs, feelings, and wants. It’s like one day I wake up and the world makes sense, I appreciate myself for what I’ve accomplished and come back from, and then some days I wake up and I wanna say fuck all these people who take me for granted, who abuse my kindness and compassion. And all of those feelings and emotions that exist between those two extremes.

It’s as if these with each betrayal, with each heart break, with each disappointment a piece of me broke and another personality arrived. Coming to protect me, to try and shield me from the dangers of fucked up ass people. To shield me from leeches and trash people while I try to heal from the scars torn into my heart and mind. In the past I would be able to let them out to be the shield of protection and put them back to sleep after I’ve sufficiently healed and regained my composure. Yet, I feel that with the passing of times, the increased frequency and severity of the trauma I suffered, they came out and stopped allowing me to put them back into a dormant state. The result is often mixed and confusing, usually resulting in varied personalities within the day. My wants and desires raging at times, sex, food, weed, sleep, companionship. Most times I’m able to satisfy all of these desires, but when they more complex and robust I can’t and the depression sets in. Like I wonder why I haven’t achieved more when I look at what I’ve done and am capable of. I wonder why I don’t have my three children I so carefully selected the individuals to contribute to that being possible. Then thinking why, I am not married with the one I love. How is it that I package all the things niggas say they want, but they can’t commit to when it’s right there for them.

Now the crazy part of it all is when I’m back to the main personality, I start to figure out that maybe the reason that I haven’t accomplished more is because the more that these personalities have existed, the more I’ve been torn and twisted with different wants and interests because they’re so diametrically different from each other and require a little different attention in order to feel whole. There is the dilemma that I really have no clue how to rectify. Hell, I don’t know if I can do anything about it at this point. The pieces of me that have been taken, have been filled by my personalities and they refuse to be put away, instead they rage like wildfire, and I battle myself over what I want and how to go about achieving those goals. Therein lies the pieces of me.

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Don’t Tease Me, Just Leave Me

I am a person who enjoys a good tease as long as the end result pays off for all involved. See, it is my opinion that a little teasing is good for both people. You get to stir up some trouble and stimulate the mind and the body. What really makes the tease effective is when you both know that what’s going to happen when the two of you get together will make the tease all worth it. What sucks, is when the tease isn’t just a sexual tease, but it’s an emotional one as well. Those are the kind that if both people aren’t on the same page, and both people stop playing the games, that it could lead to continuous emotional trauma. And that is recipe for disaster, better yet, a recipe for mental instability.

There have been a couple situations where I’ve involved with guys and we did the dance. We talked and flirted something serious. Mentally, emotionally, and sexually charging each other up in ways that many have never even began to touch with me. Teetering at the edge of a dynamic union, only to have the bridge collapse because one person decides they only want to do the dance and don’t want to really commit. That’s the thing about being a tease, you can do such a good job that you fuck up the other person once you pull away and that’s more damaging than just being a sexual tease. Truth is most people probably don’t mind a little teasing as long as you don’t go too far, and once you do then all bets are off. For me that’s one thing that I could never wrap my mind around to understand. Why do some people feel that since past people damaged them emotionally and mentally, that the best thing to do is tease and toy with people’s emotions in the present?

You become an expert at finding the right words to say and the rights actions to take in order to make sure that your rouse works the way you want it to. It’s also clear that everyone has different reasons for their actions. Some people tease because they are afraid of being hurt again, so before they do that they would rather get their fix of that emotional feel good, then run away back to their comfortable place. You also have people who do it because it’s what they’ve become use to doing. Put it another way, they know they shit they doing is fucked up, but it’s what makes them feel good about themselves so as the old saying goes “hurt people, hurt people.” To me it’s only one of these two situations that you belong in. Any other type of excuse is just a long hand version of slotting into one of these two dynamics. Unfortunately I’ve been exposed to both types of people. Learning how to handle each type is difficult because there so many different ways to do the same types of things, so you have to take each one separately and dissect them accordingly.

My answer to you all who feel the need to be the constant tease, is to leave me the fuck alone!! I’m tired of attracting the mentally and emotionally damaged guy who wants to be understood or wants to be loved and accepted for the damage they have, so they can helped be healed to become the person they use to be. Don’t use me for that purpose, get a therapist or ask me as a friend for help and don’t try to fuck me with in that way. I’m not your rag doll that you can fuck over, use and throw away once you feel that you are recovered, or you got the fix you needed to carry you to the next time. Case in point, this one asshole use to love to say he want me and I fit the ideal guy he looks for. You know all the same bullshit that so many gays spout out they mouths like they chucking the shell of sunflower seeds. The problem with what he was saying was the actions never measured up. The result of this was his ass got cussed out worse than most and then I blocked him. Only for a couple years to go by and he try to come back and convince me he’s changed. I let three days pass allowing for certain situations to present themselves and I saw the same shit. Suffice to say, no cuss out needed, no words to be spoke, I silently blocked his number and quietly walked away.

The other two iterations of this situation are very similar, only differing in the people and number of years that the rouse went on. One guy, we had a 13 year love affair. Talking, texting and seeing each other off and on. Making sure that when we were on, the world couldn’t stop what were doing. But when he decided he was ready to walk away he disappeared faster than he showed up. Always using some excuse of lack of readiness as his reasoning for why he needed to get a break. Loving the atmosphere he built up. See we had so much history and we knew so much about each other, we knew how to pull the right heart strings to get what we wanted most times. I never wanted to take advantage of this, no matter how much I had been hurt or damaged by others, including him, I never wanted to play the game and not pay it off. I always wanted the end to be what we talked about so many times. Only, it took that long to realize it will only and always be just a tease. Giving me a glimpse of what the present and future would be like if he were serious, disappointed knowing all I get is to sample because the tease is all he cares for.

The second guy, well he doesn’t have as long a history but he knew how to do the right things that pushed the envelope to it’s edge without forcing the contents out of the package. While his personality was direct and sharp, when he was in my presence it was like he became a completely different guy. He would be soft and affectionate. Loving on me just as much as I loved on him. Wanting to just be cuddled up under me the entire time he was with me. Saying things before we link up, like he’s ready to stop playing the games we been playin for the past couple years. He ready to make the next step and move. Only to have the night end and the next day begin and all of sudden he ready to go back to the place that he spent days and days telling me he ready to leave. It took some time for me to understand that this was the tease he wanted to feel. He needed to feel that comfort, peace and affection. He wants to have that feeling of being wanted as much as he wants, and once he gets that feeling, he’s ready to go back to the life of the streets. I tried to give you that and more, but the dance you wanted to play I can’t tolerate anymore.

The long and short is I’m sure we all know these type of people. They can trick you sometimes because the words they say are usually true. They want the love and affection and sex and all the things that come with it. But they don’t want for a long time, you’re jus the short term means to an end.

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Body My Way

Most time I read health conscious blogs and articles and they’re usually trying too hard to get you to change the way you live your life. This will not be one of those types of blogs. I simply want to give you some tips and insights that may help you if you want to try to naturally have a good shape and healthier lifestyle. So don’t worry as you keep reading you won’t get brainwashed.. LOL.

One of the things that makes me happy about myself, is that I’ve maintained a relatively healthy body, especially in comparison to some of the friends I have. I’ve never really tried to be the health nut freak. I don’t avoid eating things that I like, nor do I avoid having a drink or two if I want, when I want. I haven’t stopped smoking my trees either. What I did learn to do was eat and drink the things that detox my body and keep my body healthy. Now, this will not be the perfect elixir, but I promise you when you decide that you wanna have a healthy life, you find the things that will make your body have the balance that you need to. You also will put the nutrients and necessary things in your system to keep you healthy and feeling good.

For me, I’ve always tried to make sure I get my green vegetables in my diet all the time. I was once told by my doctor to make sure to have dark green leafy veggies with all your meals. Now I’m not gone tell you that I accomplish that goal all the time, but I definitely try to make sure I hit that mark when I cook, which is usually 3 to 4 times a week. So I make sure to get close to hitting that mark. Why them greens is important is because you get the health value you need. The iron and shit that keeps your body running smoothly. It also helps to turn your insides so you have regular bowel movements. We all know how important it is to be regular. Not only from a comfort point of view, but health wise when you are regular then you’re releasing the toxins in your body. For those who may not know, a majority of your illnesses come from your body not consistently releasing those harmful substances in your body and they build up, mixing with other chemicals ingested and there you have it.

Another thing that I do, and it helps for multiple purposes, is I drink high protein smoothies mixed with berries. I learned just how important berries are to the health of the body, especially blueberries. Knowing that blueberries are superfoods, you get soo much value from having a regular helping in your diet. I make every smoothie with a nice helping of blueberries, raspberries and blackberries. They clean you out, give you healthy skin, healthy heart and plenty of energy. I also don’t eat beef or pork. Now let me be fully transparent, I’m not recommending that you stop eating the cow and the pig. I made the decision and it was the best choice I could’ve made. I felt the changes to my body once I stopped and I haven’t went through many of the physical aches and pains lots of my friends have, who do still eat beef and pork. Am I saying it’s all correlated? No, I’m really not, but I do think there is some symmetry between the two.

Ironically, for years I use to try figure out how to gain weight within my old eating habits, when I ate beef and pork and had much more carefree diet, LOL. Nothing really worked, even though my grandma use to always say she was gone fatten me up one way or the other. Truth is she couldn’t do it either. My eating habit changes, and inclusion of protein drinks and bars and eating healthier actually made the difference for me. I still eat whatever I want, when I want, but my healthy weight gains happened after I stopped eating beef and pork. After I started to have healthy green veggies on a regular basis. After I started drinking my protein shakes and after I included a high fiber, high natural berries diet. I also make sure to drink plenty of water every day. That too has been one of the biggest changes over the years. I don’t like to drink cold water either, I drink room temperature water. I learned that it helps the digestive system process better. Try it out for yourself and see how you like the difference.

Now reading this blog, you shouldn’t come away with me doing anything other than giving you some tips, advice and suggestions of what to do. I just want to make sure people understand just how changing the little things, and some big things, about how you eat can change how your body breaks down food, gets rid of wastes and ultimately, may save your life. The choice is yours and the decisions are for your mind and heart to make. Ohhhh, and a quick aside, sometimes you should meet in fresh nuts. LOL, not those kind, but walnuts, sliced and whole.

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Biden’s Death Drop

I sounded this alarm back during the Democratic Primary and it is showing itself in the first year of the current President’s administration. The unfortunate part, it may be ushering in another era of Trump. And God help all of us if that happens. But President Joe Biden is failing one of the most important tests of a new president and it’s going to get him beaten in 2024 if he doesn’t fix it and fast. He’s not taking care of the constituents that got him elected President and they’re about to make his ass pay for it dearly.

If we remember back to when his candidacy was on life support, it was the Black community that came to his aide. The South Carolina Democratic Primary was the rebirth of Joe Biden. Older Black people went out in masse to lift Joe back to relevancy. He was teetering on the brink of disaster and they saved him. He came roaring back and then the young, Black people came out in enough numbers to support Biden. But the groups that also powered him to the White House were middle of the road folks. Independents that didn’t want Trump and weren’t ready for the full revolution that needs to come to Democrats. Those centrist people who felt that Biden was better then Trump. But, again, the block that delivered the White House and the United States Senate was the BLACK vote. My people in Georgia, including myself, went to the polls to deliver TWO Senators from the state of Georgia who were Democrats. In fact, we delivered the states first Black U.S. Senator and Jewish Senator.

The promise was elect Warnock and Osoff to help give Biden control of a Senate that would partner with Democratic controlled House of Representatives to give to Black people what we deserved, change! There was all the talk of significant financial assistance to Historically Black Colleges and Universities, that is so desperately needed. There was the promise of cancelling student debt for so many Americans, that would dramatically help Blacks more, since the majority of student debt is held by African Americans. There was the promise of major police reform legislation that would address the disproportionate brutality of innocent Blacks by police across the country, There was the promise of restoring Voting Rights that are being attacked by Republicans in state after state that they control the legislatures. All of these items were spewed out of the mouth of Candidate Biden and down ballot Democrats across the country. Well, here we are nine months into the Presidency of Joe Biden and he is fucking failing! The police reform was shot to shit, as expected. Voting Rights is being held up by Republicans, as expected. The fuck boy and fuck girl Senators Joe Manchin and Krysten Sinema, are holding up the Infrastructure Bills because they’re protecting the lobbyists and elite Whites who don’t want regular people to get the leg up we really fucking need. Covid is still fucking with our economy and country. HBCU’s are still struggling for financial assistance, and what the Biden people do in the reconciliation bill to appease Manchin and Sinema? Oh they stripped the aid going to HBCU’s down to $1.45 billion, instead of the $45 billion originally promised.

We all understand that most times a President, or candidate, just blusters when they’re giving speeches to court votes. It’s understood that Congress actually sets the financial agenda and allocates money. But, a President can have a significant influence in that plan. We’ve seen throughout history when President’s really want something, and they have the control of Congress to get it, it gets done. What this shows me is that Biden, at this point, doesn’t have the courage of his convictions and it will cost him and the party dearly. One thing I’ve consistently read about, and discussed is just how turned off the Black community is with Joe Biden right now. Pair that with women of all races and ethnic backgrounds beings dissatisfied with his accomplishments so far, and that spells disaster for his Presidency at this snap shot in history. It will really hurt the Congressional Democrats in the districts and states that voted to put Biden in office. What is showing us at this point, is an inability to act and lead. Seeing and hearing the constant fighting between the factions of Democrats is ugly. And to see that the President ain’t saying shit really, is worse. Where are the meetings with both sides, forcing a swift compromise, a united front and a determination to get the work of the People done? That shit ain’t happening and it will cost him when we vote next year.

It has been a consistent theme for some national Democrats and I think that the time is coming for them to pay a steep price in order to understand how to take Black votes serious. They pander to the community with things that we desperately needed, increased financial resources to our schools, fair and enforced voting rights, better primary schools, reforms for policing and criminal justice, more opportunities for good paying jobs. And in the end, we get shit. Or what we do get is pennies on the dollar to what they give to the White constituencies. It is a shame, but it’s the one thing that has been extremely consistent throughout the history of this country. Both parties have done the exact same thing. When it’s time to put their money where their mouths are, they punt and give some watered down, fuck ass version of their promise and then make promises to deliver the next time they’re elected. Or, they pass it to the Congress and say if you want what I promise you, elect these Congress men and women who can give it to you. Well, when they have the majority they ask for, they still can’t get their house in order. So in my mind, what needs to be done is to clean house. Old guard out, new guard in. Consistent and forceful voting for young, competent candidates that truly want to make a difference for the Black community. Times up Joe, deliver or you will be delivered back to Delaware as the ex-President.

Thoughts?……

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Unleashed, Unhinged, Uncontrolled

Something that I have always prided myself on being able to do was controlling my urges, and the different personalities that roamed within me. I always knew that there were different versions of me that could come out and be active, but I was pretty disciplined enough to keep them in check, until I was ready for one of them to show themselves. You know there are always different situations that happen that makes you feel as though you have to show people a different side of you. It lets them know that you ain’t the bitch they think you are. Or maybe you it to be known that you won’t be taken advantage of any longer. It could also be the case that you want your sexual freak to have his moment in the sun. All of these different personalities, and more, exist and for the longest I’ve been able to control them. Well, that’s all changed and I don’t think I have that control anymore. If I’m being honest, I don’t think I like it anymore, but I also don’t think I can control them anymore either.

As one person who has seen a lot of things, I understand that often times the personalities in our heads are created out of necessity. In order to survive, we find ways to protect our vulnerable selves or personalities from the wolves that are attacking us. Then, once those attacks are neutralized we can allow our “normal self ” to reappear. Only there are times that I feel like we never really let that person show back up. We tease it’s existence back out most times. That’s when you start seeing the representative of yourself show it’s personality more and more. You give what you want people to see and keep hidden what you don’t want people to take advantage of. I will take it multiple steps further. Once you have been exposed and hurt enough, not only do you not let the original version of you exist, you never let that person come back out. You create these different personalities of yourself to cope with the hurt, pain and anger of life and you switch from one to the next depending on the day, time and situation. Some call it losing yourself. I call it becoming unleashed. You ask me why do I use that word, because most times, the other characters you create are more sinister, devious versions of the real you.

Once the harsh realities of life start to claw away at your heart, you have to create personalities in your head in order to deal with the damage done to your mind, soul or spirit. Lose a child and see how you find ways to manage with that pain. Get your heart broken and watch how you mentally find ways to adjust to the new reality. Let someone abuse you and see the mindset you create in order to survive that ordeal and get away. Have things you worked hard to obtain taken away from you because of someone you trusted and watch how you make changes to avoid a repeat of that situation. It is the events of life that force you to create these alternate personalities to be able to handle those dark, painful moments in life. Well, what happens when you’re pushed too far or things happen too frequently and you decide that you can no longer be who you once were? Or maybe you decide that you don’t want to restrict the people who live in your head. Then maybe it’s not even a choice you consciously make. It could be that your subconscious makes the choice for you. All those thoughts and actions that you just use to think about and wonder what it would be like if you behaved in such a fashion now become reality. You are now living it out in real time. The chains that you put on the more unhinged versions of yourself are now off.

I think about how effective it has been for me to have all these personalities free roaming around now in my head. And the truth is I’m not happy with it now. There are a lot of things that have happened that have shocked me, but there are times where I feel like I’m looking down at myself and wondering what the fuck am I doing? I’m trying to figure out how the fuck did I become this reckless and disconnected from things I use to hold so true to my core? I’ve always had a high sex drive and been a freak, but damn that shit been blown of the water now. I don’t have the consistent pattern with my routine that I had before and I can’t really see why, until I think about when I was fucked over. It’s hard when the personalities are moving at once, because I feel myself thinking from those different personality points it my decisions are always so scattered as a result. And I can hear the opposing view speaking up, why don’t you get therapy or counseling? Good question, are you going to give me money to pay for that shit? Cuz them sessions are expensive as fuck and I don’t have the bank built up for that at this moment in time.

I used to think that I was just coping with life and I would get through it and allow myself to shine back through. The more time that has passed, I’m realizing that this iteration of me seems to be here to stay, and I’m actively working to find a way to change that. To control what I have unleashed is a difficult thing. Part of me wants to the genie back in the bottle, while other parts want to just continue roaring uncontrolled. I miss some of things that I now don’t seem capable of doing anymore. Finding my way back to me is tough, and the truth is, it really may never happen again.

Tell me what you think….

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

Memories In Darkness

Greatness comes from failure as much as it comes from success. I’m sure someone else may have said that, but I’m the only person I know that my ears have actually heard say that. And now my eyes seeing me write that on this blog is the first time I’ve seen those words written just like that. It is my belief that true greatness in whatever it is you strive for excellence in comes from having failure in your life. It teaches you how to respond to adversity, it shows you how to recover from disappointment, it reveals if you have the character to be a survivor after going through difficulty. All of these things are needed if you are going to come through tough times, or dark moments. What happens when those dark memories don’t subside? What happens when you’ve found your way to recover from those deeply challenging situations, but your mind is still damaged and your soul is still stained?

There are things I go back to and wonder why did they happen, and then I spin forward and I ask myself, why the fuck am I still feeling so damaged by these events? In part I understand, because these events when presented separately and far enough apart, create these life altering moments that can take time to recover from, if ever. On the other hand, when you compound trauma one on top of the other for months and years, what you get is a fucked up human trying to figure out how to ground himself again in himself, let alone in society that has beaten him down like a bear mauling an animal in the wilderness. You might say that’s a strong analogy, and my response would be if you knew me and understood the extent to which some shit has happened, you would say that’s a fair comparison. All at the same time I’m not one who seeks sympathy or pity. I don’t want or need anyone to feel sorry for me and what I’ve experienced, I just wish I really had true understanding and I do wish I could openly talk about the darkness I feel with people who really can understand, relate and give the compassion and love I seek to help heal a damaged soul.

God knows all and I’ve cried my eyes out numerous time in my private talks with the creator. I’ve asked so many times why me? Why was I chosen to have these particular obstacles put in front of me? And honestly I haven’t seen anything revealed to met yet that fully helps me understand the plan or reasons why. Yes, there are people who look to me that have had similar experiences or were traveling down the road to being exposed to some of the same things I have and I was able to either talk them down to prevent it, or I was there to be able to help them through it. In that respect I understand why I was chosen to deal with some of those situations, but then I ask myself did I really need to be exposed to all of what I was just be the shepherd to protect the flock? Maybe I need to keep living life and in time more of the puzzle will be put together for me to see why I had to endure so much dark energy.

The hard part is when you feel like you’ve got all this dark memory inside you, you don’t really know how to release it so it’s not haunting you in the stillness of the night or day. So many times I’ve been listening to music or working out, times where my brain can just roam, no direction or instructions given for my thoughts and my mind carries me back to the dark places. Or it takes me back to times when I had gotten to a certain place of satisfaction, only to remind me of the destruction. Showing me the painful memories and images that I tried so hard to work past and bury. Is that what truly dark memories do to you? Do they root themselves in the deepest part of your mind, ready to resurface when you let the subconscious mind free to roam? It disturbs me so much because it just constantly reminds me of just how damaged I really am. And I know what some of you might say too.. Have you thought about it from the positive aspect? Your mind is also reminding you of just how much you have overcome and just how strong of a person you are? I thought about that too and while you have a point, I hit back with, how many times to do you need to be reminded of the dark past you left? Don’t you realize that you’re also being reminded of what you lost? It is also a perverse situation where you don’t get to move past it because it routinely is being thrown back into you memory and sight.

The darkness hurts, and more importantly than anything, it changes you to someone that you really aren’t sure how to handle. At least in my case I don’t know how to control the darker version of myself. I find myself thinking and doing that I never would have done before. I see so many unusual character traits that never showed before all the trauma. I’ve lost a sense of the light that I used to operate with and please be aware, dark light shows just like bright light. Manipulation is mother fucka and those who know how do it masterfully can control things so easily. So that leaves me to try and figure it out once again… How do you control the memories in darkness?

Talk back to me…

Leave a comment Posted on current events, dating, love

Cuddle Me Not

Here is one thing that I really don’t understand about gays now days. Why is that so many of you want to cuddle up? I mean I get it, most don’t like saying they’re just on a “dating” app to fuck, but lets keep this shit real. If you’re on certain ones, that’s all you really aiming to do. Get your dick wet, your ass plunged or your mouth stuffed. I’m really not one for all the fluff and beating around the bush of it all. The overwhelming majority of niggas on there truly just want to get their nut in one way or the other and be about their business. And in truth, that’s perfectly fine. My only problem is stop masking the shit with saying you don’t just wanna fuck or you want more than just a nut. The truth is most just want that fucking nut. Whether it’s a consistent person to get that nut with or randoms, that is truly what you want. Then you have those who love to say they just wanna cuddle. Or cuddle me and fuck. My question is what the fuck for? Is it because your conscious is fucking with you because you just see yourself as some ass or dick and you don’t like it? The hoe in you is coming out and you want to find a way to justify it? To that I say, appease your mind but stop the bullshit.

Now an important point of order, I am not against cuddling! In fact I think it has its place and it is truly a wonderful feeling. Nothing beats having a man laid up under you, feeling each others bodies touching and the vibes flowing between each other. It makes the mood so much richer and the sex much more pleasing. However, that also carries tones of emotions and feelings in my book.. I don’t want to cuddle with just a fuck. If you my friend and we also fuck, then yea that makes sense to me. If you my boyfriend, then hell yea that shit should be happening regularly. But you if just my means to get my nut, or I’m your means to get yours, I don’t want to cuddle with you before sex. It’s too intimate in my mind and it creates situations that aren’t positive in my mind. Don’t spend too much time talking to me and chillin. Let’s have a couple conversations to take the edge off. We can smoke a blunt too, weed only, to relax ourselves and take away the nerves, then let’s fuck! Simple as that and just that easy. This cuddling shit that niggas want to do really is starting to annoy me. If you want something more than a nut I can understand why the cuddling shit happens, but don’t just let that be in the moment, then the next day or two you forgot what you wanted.

See this is when the problems occur. Why do I say problems? Because, you created an environment and vibe that intimated that you wanted more than just the casual fuck, and when discussed you said as such. So the next encounter after that fuck session, we cuddling and laying up. We fall asleep and you all up under me. Then times passes and a nigga no where to be found. What the fuck was the purpose? Ooooh, I get it, it was the moment that struck you right. In that moment after that good dick was stroked and pounded in yo ass, you weren’t ready to let me leave. You wanted to feel my body and energy next to you. Nigga fuck you and what you want. Again, back to the main point of this writing. Cuddle me not! Don’t waste my time, take my vibe and then act like you don’t know what the fuck going on. I never understand why niggas feel the need to hide their intentions. The truth is you loved the dick from the night before and you wanted more. But you didn’t want to make it seem like it was just that, so you covered with the extra bullshit. Why? Just leave it how it was and shit would’ve been just fuckin fine. Great sex links and a cool vibe to match. Maybe over time something more would have happened, but you moved too fast and now the shit is a wrap.

Moral of the story for me when it comes to most of these niggas, fuck you when you say you want to cuddle. Cuddle with your pillow, or your stuffed animal, or yourself. Or, find yourself a cuddle buddy. There are plenty of niggas out there who just want to cuddle and chill. No sex, or minimal sex, mostly movies and laid up. And if that is you more power to you. I understand why you’re doing it though. You want to feel the companionship of another person without having to have sex with them. I applaud you for that. But that’s a setup in my head and one I refuse to accept. Friends, family and lovers get the cuddle treatment. Fuck buddies get the we can chill and fuck treatment. Save that cuddling shit for something real. It will mean more and you won’t have to worry about unwanted feelings.

Thoughts and comments welcome.

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, love, real talk

Trapped In Time and Space

I awoke this morning with my mind racing as usual, wondering how the events of my life have unfolded how they have. I thought about all the major decisions I made and how they impacted me in so many different ways. I thought about what it would have been like had I stuck with one situation and not landed in other. Would my child be here, would I be married? And yes before you ask it was with a guy that I was engaged and we had decided to have a child together. That story has already been told in previous writings so I wont dig back in those details again. I also wonder, going further back in time, if I had the chance to ride with a guy with years of history where would we be today. My heart says it would be marriage that lasts a lifetime, my brain says the shit would ended tragically. My mind has been in a time warp when it comes to you for the past fifteen years, and it drives me crazy.

The beginning was as unexpected and amazing as anyone could have hoped for. Then the shit became like a major motion picture. It had all the twists and turns, the plots changing on a dime, deceit and lies that have to covered with more lies. Truths being exposed and acceptance and forward movement after a “heart to heart”. Only for there to be more lies and deceit. You rinse and repeat, change the years and the characters involved, but the main protagonist and antagonist remain the same. The issues that cause the turmoil seem to be different but ,when thought about in its totality, they revolve around the exact same narrative. It’s the shit you truly make a movie of and you see of the main characters either move on or die. See in these kinds of movies, after you’ve seen one or ten or however many you watch, you know how the story will ultimately go. One person is truly going to get tired of the shit and they will walk away forever. The one who did all the shit will realize just how fucked up they were and once they truly have changed it will be too fucking late. Because when they had the chance to be real and come to the light with the shit, they kept playing games. They truly hardened the heart of the one who loved them and for that, they have to put in the past forever.

Saying all of that it’s easy as fuck to write. It’s super easy to think of and definitely easy to act out. But doing the shit in real life is a bitch. The truth of the matter is, most people, no matter how much they want to rid themselves of someone they can’t just close them out. If the person comes back with a presentation that seems contrite and they show adequate levels of regret, usually they can get another chance. See the key is to know how to use words and the mental advantage you have over someone to get them to believe that it is different and they are the one who is holding on to the past iterations of who you were. The reality is the reason for that is because of the person who did the bullshit to begin with in the first place. See what you don’t realize is that the pattern that you created gets thought about over and over, so once it’s recognized you don’t want to hear the bullshit again. You really want to see and hear change and difference. Growth is possible for all, and yes we all can change. But really when you change it’s noticeable from the jump. Nothing really needs to be said, it’s felt and understood. Yet, you’re like the forbidden fruit hanging on the tree. You know that you shouldn’t touch and taste it, but you have a special connection and bond that sucks you in every time.

You allow the emotions and feelings to rush back to you and then you find yourself wanting more, wanting to see just how much has changed and if you can truly let yourself go and fulfil the promises y’all made all those years ago. And then, one day when you’re really just trying to move a conversation forward, you see exactly what you knew was still there all along. The shit ain’t changed at all, it just took time for it show. What do you do though after you find this out. How do you move and react? My answer is to be as legit and real as you can. Let them see that while they may be stuck playing the same games, you truly have grown and become wiser. Call it out, be direct, put the shit in his face and then give them the peace and love that you have. Show them that this is what real change looks like. And then make the decision that you know you have to make. Take your time, secure your emotions and finally walk away. Cry, smile and love yourself.

Talk to me