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Life Chronicles – The Brittney Griner Outrage

Laughing at some of the comments I’ve heard since the release of Brittney Griner seemed to be the correct approach as opposed to being upset or disgusted. I wasn’t surprised that sooo many “patriotic” Americans were outraged that the U.S. government negotiated to get an “athlete” back home over an “American patriot”. Oh, and part of the specificity for why they were so mad is because of the individual we swapped Griner for. While at first glance one might say, “damn, why the fuck did we trade this guy for her?” A closer and more educated analysis would bring to light the consciousness needed in this matter. You’re trading with an enemy, who has despised you for decades, why would you think they’re going to accept a nominal, low level person in return. Consider the facts, if B.G. was a man, she would be world known far more than what she is. Her resume is unquestioned in terms of its greatness, yet, she has to hoop in Russia to make the money she should make in the States because of the devaluing of the WNBA game.

Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and tell me you wouldn’t do the same thing. You have an American asset that is high value, and very notable who has broken one of your laws. You throw the hammer and demand a kings’ ransom to get her back. That’s what they did and that’s what we did. Stop pretending for this ignorant ass outrage and cries of make it make sense. An arms dealer for a basketball player. That underscores your lack in political and international understanding. It was always going to be a high price to pay for her release because of who she is. And true to American nature, we couldn’t resist gas lighting the situation at against the urging of the top officials. The more you show your hand how valuable an asset is, the higher the price you pay. That’s negotiation 101. The moral argument that her name needed to stay in the news so that no one forgets is nice, but highly unnecessary. She was never going to be forgotten, and while in the end the same price may have been paid to extract her freedom, I have to wonder if we could’ve gotten Paul Whalen and B.G. for the dealer if the gas lighters had kept quiet.

Understanding the story of Whalen and many other Americans held captive by Russia accused of crimes that seem so farfetched, until you understand the chess moves these countries make against each other on a daily basis. Could Whalen truly be an American spy, hell yea he could. And to sit and try to say otherwise just because the government says so is stupid. We know that these countries use mundane, simple covert covers for their spies in other countries. The Americans do it all over the world and so do all other powerful governments. I have no information to support Russia and their claims, nor do I have any knowledge to support the U.S. and its claims. What I do know is that the freedom of B.G. should not have any attachment to Whalen, unless it’s truly known that he’s innocent and we really had a chance at a swap realistically. You bargain from a position of strength, and if you can’t do that you at least try to make the strongest hand possible.

What we now know is that these governments are enthralled in a fabulous game of chess. The pieces are Americans and Russians who are innocent and guilty. We know that Russia is a dirty adversary who wants its knights, rooks, and bishops back to reassemble a strong chess board. For the U.S., at this point, it seems we are just trying to get pawns back, while our rooks, knights, and bishops are safely being deployed. High powered pawns sucking up the oxygen reserved for more valuable chess pieces is a weakness that the U.S. gets exploited on because of the “moral values” expounded upon by the President and rest of the government. Do your homework, read up on these things and obtain a better understanding, then return to this discussion.

Love and respect

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Heart Chronicles – Disappointing Love

Sometimes the love that brings you together will be the love that brings you disappointment. In the arch of a love story there is always the reveal of true character that tests how much the foundation you built is sustainable. What really happens is the representative that you met and loved so much goes away and the true personality and actions of the individual began to apply to you too. Often times when someone is courting you and you court them, you put your best foot forward. The things you show that person differs from the things you show everyone else. And then the shoe drops. You begin to tell truths that will make smoother transitions and instead of them being honored as norms and customs, it begins the slow decline out of the honeymoon phase of that new love.

I never know how long that phase will last. Some say it lasts for months, others have said it can last a year, and yet there are still others who say it only lasts days. Wherever you fit on the pendulum, you know when it starts to feel different, and you have to adjust. The truth also is that’s when you have to have a conversation. In my opinion when you can see and feel the shift the worst thing that you can do is ignore it. Yes, you know that it always will happen, but knowing the why and when should help to ease into the transition better than just watching it happen and changing along with your partner just because you don’t want to be on the limb by yourself. Sadly, for me that time has come much sooner than I thought. It hit me from the blind side in a way I didn’t expect and the catch 22 on display was both hurtful and angering. I didn’t think that I would see the indifferent, immature, petulance that I saw and felt. And now I must follow my own guidance and speak on it.

I’ve never witnessed someone change so swiftly in front of my eyes before. I didn’t think that I would this man become so nonchalant and distant within the same night. How do you go from hugging and kissing and romancing, to moving me off you and removing your metaphorical presence from me, only to just be present in the flesh but not the soul and spirit like you usually are? As I went in and out of sleep I saw and felt something that was foreign to me and yet oddly familiar as well. I felt the change starting to happen and it infuriated me. Because what I now know is that thing dynamics are changing and things, I thought I didn’t need to concern myself with for a while, are now here and how much longer this journey lasts is anyone’s guess. It’s as if one forgets their own actions and the reactions they receive when similar events occur, and they want to feel their jilted feelings when they aren’t called for.

Waking up this morning I feel a sense of disbelief and anger that I haven’t felt in a while. I felt something that shouldn’t be there and my anxiousness to discuss the situation is eating at my patience that I really do not have much of. I want to know why it happened, what caused it and why was it felt to show your ass the way that you did. In learning your lover, you must understand their bitch levels. It is critical in understanding how you will handle certain situations. Talking and gaining insight into their thinking will only assist in maneuvering through this time period. And it can possibly aid in removing this unnecessary shift before it’s time, and giving you back to that effortless, but intentional love that you share. What to say and how to say it is so difficult to know. Waking up with these feelings is even worse. So as this morning progresses, I will figure out the way to address him directly, but with love. The point of this conversation isn’t to stoke further division, it’s to understand why and hopefully bring the closeness back and take away the disappointment.

Love and respect to all who read this.

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Heart Chronicles – The Evolution of Self

Being mistreated, talked about, abused and ashamed can have a lasting effect on you as a person. It affects your mental health, your emotional well-being, and your physical fitness. So many times, when you struggle with your self-esteem it doesn’t take too much to throw you off. Whether it be family, or friends, lovers or just fuck buddies, and even the occasional opp that just wants to see you doing bad, the words, and actions of others can impact how you feel and see yourself. Gathering that understanding that you are who you are, and that you are grade A quality is something that’s either instilled in your early on, or you learn it for yourself through time, trials, and bullshit that happens. For me, it was the combination of it all that helped me get to the point of today.

The honest truth about me is that I’ve struggled with my self-confidence for years. Regardless of how many times I’ve been told I’m attractive, or my body looks good, I am much more easily rattled by the insults, or the putdowns than I am reassured by the compliments. The actions of people mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing me have left scars and damage that is still being healed. I didn’t receive enough support and reassurance earlier in my youth and young adulthood to properly know how to disregard and ignore the fuck people. I think, more than anything, the fact it came from those who were supposed to be my biggest support, lovers, family and even close friends, it stings a lot more. It hovers over you even longer, because you didn’t that the friendly fire would come.

As time passes and I’ve truly had time to learn myself more, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone anymore. Yes, I get nerves and have thoughts creep into my mind about my qualifications for things in my life, be it personal or professional. Most times, I reassure myself that I am that guy. The more I feel reassured within myself, and no lie, the more those I care about give my flowers, the more I evolve into that man I know that I’ve always been. It’s taken a lot of tears and dark days to get to this point. I used to think that in order to be seen as legit and A1, you had to have it all together. Job, car, place, money, looks. As I’ve evolved in life, having a combination of those things are more than enough. The truth is that when you start with you and you grinding on your come up, everything else is always magnified in your favor. You can simply do nothing at all, and it will be enough because what you’re currently doing is plenty. Catch that if you understand.

The crazy thing is even in my evolution I still feel the nerves and have the shreds of doubt linger in my mind. I still question myself at times, wondering if I’m really good enough for some of the interactions I have and for some of the accomplishments that I achieve. I at times struggle accepting my flowers, because I fear the other shoe dropping, but I’ll talk in conversation about how it’s the other shoe that drops, it’s just reality and the challenges that comes along. Yet, I listen to others as we talk, and I marvel at how resolute they are within themselves. I’m amazed at how grounded they are in themselves, how the belief in who they are, and their character overpowers the negativity and critiques that come at them. Younger, older, same age grouping, that determined belief in themselves is something that I still yearn too fully master. Not on the part-time basis that I do now, but on a full-time level that I see others on. I am believer though, that when you surround yourself with that kind of company, if you are in tune with energy and the vibes, it can’t help but to rub off on you.

My story of evolution is one that I’m sure is familiar to many. You go through things, you learn shit, you fail, you succeed and all the while you’re building yourself. Believing in yourself will always start with you, but truly it begins with those who nurture you and start to instill those things inside you. Someone recently told me; they don’t care what anyone says about them that’s negative. They know who they are and what they are, and that’s all that matters. As long as they know the truth. It doesn’t hurt that physically they fit what almost anyone looks for in a guy, personality wise, they have the ideal mix of outgoing and fun, and reserved and quiet. Hearing that they like the way I move, made me smile, offered reassurance of the changes I’ve gone thru and yet, I was more satisfied with myself because the compliment came from me doing nothing at all, just being who I am, which is more than enough.

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Heart Chronicles – Alone and Not Afraid

One of the many things I tell anyone who gets into conversation about living life, gay or straight, mostly gay though, is that you can’t be afraid to be alone. Whether anyone believes it or not, being alone is usually one of the largest reasons people remain in unhealthy, toxic relationships. They aren’t comfortable having to live life by themselves, theoretically. The truth of the matter is most people feel they need to have someone sharing their life, and space, in order to have a complete and full life. I don’t completely disagree with that sentiment, but I’m not fully in favor of it either. I believe there is and can be a happy medium between having your own space and sharing it with someone you love.

Far too often individuals choose to remain a couple with someone they know they’ve fallen out of love with because they don’t really know how to live or lead a life that doesn’t involve someone being there to support them and aid them in all things. Be it financial support, most common, emotional or mental support, that lack of someone there makes people scared and feel as though they must keep a man or woman around, even if they don’t have all of their best intentions for them. I’ve seen it paralyze people to the extent that they reject opportunities for betterment and prosperity in life all because they don’t want to be without, fill in the blank. I’ve yet to understand why that dynamic is so strong and prevalent, but it is and most times what’s forgotten is that if you have a strong circle of friends, or family, you aren’t alone anyway. No, you may not have someone living with you, but your journey is still being shared with people who love and care for you.

Why I feel that once a person understands how to live alone, they are better equipped to be with someone is simple. When you live alone, you have to learn how to live with yourself. You learn your traits, your patterns, your habits. You understand your likes and dislikes, which will make you better at identifying people you could see yourself sharing your space with, be it on a permanent basis or regular/frequent basis. It allows you to discover these things without sacrificing the relationship that you’re in. I believe that when you don’t know how to be with yourself, it impacts your ability to be with someone else. Ultimately, you’re learning yourself while learning and living with someone else at the same time. While this is definitely possible, it usually winds being detrimental because as you learn yourself you change, and what you like and want changes. If you have to learn another person at the same time, it could be that the two of you are changing separately. Be alone and learn you, then introduce someone to your space and see how they fit into your world and you in theirs. Then you can make adjustments and compromises on the things that you feel aren’t critical to who you are.

The truth is for me, I hate being alone when I come home. I’ve done for a long time, and I’ve also been in relationships where me and my partner lived together. That joy and sense of fulfilment when I had that was intoxicating. It was something that I knew I wanted and didn’t want to be without. Sometimes it came at great personal hurt for myself, because at times I had chosen the wrong person to build that life with. When I was younger, I would struggle to end those types of relationships because I hadn’t learned how to be comfortable with being by myself. My mom was always in a relationship, be it married to my father, or being divorced and in relationship with someone else. Right after I came out, my first boyfriend wound up being the first person I lived with. It came less than three months of being together. For two years all I knew was him and building a life together. I was growing and evolving, and so was he. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. The crazy part is for the first 5 years that I was dating, I lived with my partner for 4 of those years. Talk about not learning to live by yourself. It showed itself too. Even in dating, I would want the person to stay the night and be under me, because that’s what I used to and hadn’t learned how to be by myself.

The reality is once I learned that it’s truly ok to be by yourself and I accepted that challenge, I grew even more as a person. I evolved into the human that I feel fits who I am, and it’s allowed me to discover how to remove people quickly who aren’t good for me, to accept that things have a shelf life, and I can’t hold onto it past the expiration date, and that moving on my time is perfectly sufficient. My challenge to everyone is to find that space with being comfortable being by yourself. Learn yourself. Learn your mind, body, emotions, preferences, likes, dislikes and all those things you need to know to make yourself the best version of yourself. It can be painful and lonely at times, but close family and friends that you trust will always be there to occupy that space until you’re ready to let the man or woman in that you want to try and build something with.

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Heart Chronicles – Today’s Yesterday

I am constantly reminded that my yesterday must have been really dynamic and special. It never seems to take too long before those tasted the drug that is me find some way to return. Whether it’s the random pop up text, or the phone call out of the blue, or it’s the hey long time lets catch up. No matter what happens, there are those who just can’t seem to get enough of their fix. While on one hand I can appreciate that appetite and desire to feel that feeling, on the other hand, I have to wonder just why do they keep returning? What is really the driving force behind trying to recapture the magic that was lost.

Over the past week or so, I’ve been smacked with numerous reminders of my past and the people who have occupied time and space in it. From the fucked up ex, to the constant runner that could never fully commit. It’s been an interesting time in my world. Mixed in with the old, has obviously been the new. And what I’m realizing is that there is a reason why I say I keep the past buried. Within the past three days alone, I’ve had two people who really had a significant pull on me, back then, resurface and it didn’t go as they might have expected. In my mind today, I am not that same sweet, forgiving man that I was years ago. Life has hardened me, blackened my heart a bit, and made me far more skeptical of people than optimistic in them. It was nice having my old on again, off again flame back around for a bit. Ironically though, it was due to his return that I realized his time had truly expired in my life.

The first time he popped up, last month, it was a surprise and his question was an even bigger surprise on the surface, thinking about it now it makes perfect sense for how things kind of line up currently. No apology for the bullshit that caused the last rift that kept us from speaking for almost a year, no his question was would I be willing to fuck again. For me it wasn’t even much that I needed to think about, regardless of how I felt about his actions, his mental and emotional bullshit, the nigga had a dick that would make you melt and yo hole cream. Of course I said yes. It’s been almost a decade since I last felt all that meat and I just knew the stroke was better than it was then. I figured that the 31 year old version of him was far better. Right and wrong, the dick was good, but the stroke… ehhh left much to be desired. Couldn’t keep his dick hard after about 10 minutes and never busted a nut, though he claimed he had been close when we fucked that night before.

All par for the course if you ask me. The problem with him always centered around the truth and his allergy to being honest about shit. Our whole beginning started from a lie he told. The twisting plot that was the next 15 years revolved around his lies and bullshit. It was the moments of truth and openness that captured my heart and he seemed to know this, and throughout time, played on those strings to keep me at his fingertips. That was until 3 years ago, when I reached my breaking point with him. Tired of the lies, the hidden stories and niggas, all of it. The rose glasses were destroyed and along with it was any chance of a real Romeo and Juliet type romance. When he came back this time, it was different and I could feel it. There wasn’t talk of dating and romance, just fucking ohhhh and catching up. It was predictable what he did. He talked to me about his past, and confirmed the lie he told that last time we talked. He tried to say he wasn’t gay anymore. That he was living in North Carolina and going thru this rebirth of sorts. That he had given his life to God and he wasn’t focused on, or thinking about a relationship or men.

The biggest bunch of bullshit I had ever heard him spew from his lips. And it all turned out to be one BIG ass lie. How the fuck you gone lie like that and put it On God. Like really, how fucked up in your head do you have to be? How committed are you to holding on to someone that you’re willing to lie about your relationship, your life and your journey, just to hold on to someone. Too bad for him I didn’t believe none of the shit and I unloaded all the years of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and disappointment on him. The end result being the end of whatever type of relationship we had. Then August happened and we reconnected and had a good sex session, but I could tell my feelings about him were different. Instead of wanting him to stay past the overnight visit, like it was in the past, I was ready for his ass to go home. He hit me up this week to inquire about linking again. I told him we could and Friday afternoon he asked what I was doing that night. I told him nothing, he asked to fuck, I said when and he went zero dark 30 for four hours. At around 130am he hits me to say now, but I was already doing my thing and never responded til the next day.

When I responded to him and told him it’s his fault because he waited 4 hours to respond the mood changed and he began to spew more dumb ass lies that made no sense. Apparently, he’s been lying to lots of niggas out here because we’re all giving him the same responses to the lies he tries to tell. He finally realized his hold was gone and now we have no communication again. I think he would be wise to let, at least, a year pass before he opened his mouth to me again. If ever at all. The lies, disrespect and manipulative actions are dead and so is his time in my life. Reality hurts and I’m sure for him it smacked in his face, his crutch has been kicked out and away. Now he’s charming so I’m sure he will find another unsuspecting, gullible nigga to take him in and let him live with them and build a fake ass relationship, built on lies, deceit and bullshit. Sad as fuck man, a guy with so much potential, caught in his web of lies and deceitfulness. A waste of a genuine heart, due to a twisted soul and fucked up mind.

Guy number two, well he’s different in every way possible. A true sweet guy, a bottom with a fat ass, a larger than life personality and thickness that people love. The problem with him though is he’s a runner. He has been and still is afraid of commitment. For over 10 years we’ve done a delicate dance of on again, off again. After he moved away, it was always going to be difficult for us to be together because long distance has long stopped being my thing and inconsistency gets you removed from me these days. The patience I had has long since gone, and I felt it when he decided he was ready to pop up again. Pride weekend always seems to conjure up the ghosts of the past. Being with him last night wasn’t like it was in the past. I didn’t feel the romantic embers burn, there wasn’t a special moment that made me want him back. It was all circumspect. I realized that I was talking to someone who does the same dance, asks the same questions, plays the same songs and I was tired of it and him.

Sometimes, you have to let the past surface, if only to finally put it to bed. You have to see why you left it alone, and let it go away. Sure, there are exceptions to that, but most times you wind up seeing why you let it go in the first place. It doesn’t serve you in your now, and it won’t serve you in your future. If the past isn’t able to rise to the level of the present and show signs that it’s ready for the new future that your life arched towards, leave it where it belongs. In the mirror and down the road. He was never one to do anything bad to me. He never showed me dishonesty or deceit, he just has a commitment issue and that I can’t get past. I want better, deserve better and will not allow less to be my new best. While it was fun to catch up and remember the good times of days past, I felt myself empty with the whole experience. Glad in some ways he was here, so I could see that it was done and closure was within reach, and disappointed that I even allowed him to be here.

The past will always be active in one way or the other. It truly is about how you manage it and what you do with it that will determine how impactful it is in the present day and future days to come. Love yourself enough to let it go, listen to the feelings that you feel when the interactions come and pivot away from it when the time is right. Accountability, compassion, love, honesty, loyalty. These words are things that are the fabric of relationship building for me, no matter the type of relationship. Interactions with people have made these words harder to employ to all, but I’m trying. The past gets held to this standard and if they can’t be accountable for their actions, compassionate about how they treat you, love you genuinely, be honest about themselves and their lives, and be loyal to you in whatever capacity they hold, let asses go.

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Heart Chronicles – Thoughts from the Soul

Sometimes in life you have to be alone with your thoughts, your mind, your heart and you have to find your way to understand what life has given to you. Often times I’ve sat and thought to myself why am I going through the things that I am and have? When I’m alone with my thoughts and feelings, I struggle to make sense of it all. Trying to get the understanding of why am I so often chosen to experience things more than I’m ready to handle? Is this really part of life, that you have to go through so many difficult times and situations, and often times alone? The variance of those you call family and the ones who show themselves to be your friends, is often times hard to comprehend as well. Life happens and paths diverge, and you see who was meant to travel on the next part of your journey with you.

See, one of things I’m struggling with at this time is why does it seem like no one wants me. I know that I don’t have it all. I’m not the wealthiest or most connected. I know that I’m no Adonis or the most gifted or talented individual, but I know that I am more than enough. I understand that I’m a damn good catch. I’m a sexy, chocolate, tall, fit, Black man. I’m highly intelligent and can mix and mingle in any environment, at any time. I work my ass off, have always taken care of home, made sure mines don’t know no lack, yet the shit still seems not to be enough. And don’t play yourself, I can fuck with the best of em. No matter if it’s slangin’ dick or being stuffed, I always make sure home is satisfied. I have a personality that is inviting, fun and a whole fuck vibe, but again people seem to only want to use that for their advantage. Yet, I see niggas that are out here doggin’ niggas and still got them on they nuts.

Even beyond the personal, professionally life isn’t where I thought it would be, and that’s mostly due to me. Because while I know that my ex really fucked up my set up, I decided to be with him, so I own part the of the responsibility as well. It’s a difficult thing not to wonder if you’re dooming yourself or if life just continues to offer situations where you don’t always make the right choices, and you have to start over again and again. Mixing in that with a suck ass personal life at times and it’s enough to make you question yourself more than once. Lies get told to you so you will let your guard down, only to be used to take from you and not give back. How many times should someone allow for these things to happen before they push back, enough being enough. Hearing enough times that it’s nothing wrong with you but niggas keep flaking, enough times that happens and it becomes about you mentally and emotionally. Top notch ass, fire dick, all around sex game lit, dynamic personality, smart ass brain and still the results circle around the same.

More than you know I want to hear I love you; I appreciate you, I’m proud of you, I support you. I want the right one for the moment, be it a minute, a month or eternity, to hold me and just make me feel the physical support I mentally need to hear. I don’t just want to share the intimate nature of holding and being held, by another man with just anyone. I know to some they may not understand, but for me sex has devolved into something that I know how to separate feelings from just sex, and I still feel this strong urge to fuck or get fuck. LOL, but being intimate, passionate and so wrapped up in someone is something that I miss and want to share with just one. Yet, it seems the one I want to share it with never seems to want to share it back. And I don’t dwell on it or wait for them to show, I move forward and live life as it comes. Hoping and yearning for that feeling sooner than later.

Even the greatest warrior needed help along the way. And there are times where I feel like it’s been forgotten that I’m not superhuman. I’m not above the need to be loved on and feel the love and appreciation of those who matter to me. Another day passes, another day spent alone, without someone to really enjoy it with. Without my best of friends and my closest of confidants to do something with. I believe it’s all for a purpose and the journey I’m taking will be for the better, but damn I would love to have an amen corner right now.

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Heart Chronicles – Survival Is a Bitch

So many people don’t really understand that it means to have to survive being Black. More than that, being Black and gay, or Black and trans. Now this is not to minimize the plight of White people, because there are groups of Whites who struggle as well, but this is America and Black survival is so complex and stressful that adding the additional complexity of being gay makes it ten-fold more difficult. Most people don’t realize that once most Black men or women come out to their families they are disowned in many ways. Sometimes mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandparents disown them, leaving them to fight for survival on their own. Often times at ages that most of us are not really prepared to be out here on our own in this world, and you wonder why there are so many gay and trans men and women who are having sex for money. Often times it becomes an early means of survival that can become addicting if you have the right look, a big dick or a fat ass.

The truth of the matter is that we do what we have to do in order to survive because you never know who you can really trust. You don’t know who will help you because they have a genuine good spirit, versus someone who helps you because they now have power in some rights over you, they can get something out of you because they helped you. And if you’re thinking that I’m being negative or pessimistic, live in this community and you will understand that it happens more often than not. That’s a part of what causes so much distrust among the gay community. So many niggas prey on vulnerable and unexperienced gay, lesbian and trans people to the point that everyone looks sideways at each other, until proven otherwise.

I know that life and while I’m not proud of the things that I had to do, I did them in order to survive. I’ve slept with guys so I could have a roof over my head to sleep under, because I was living out of my car for a period of time. I’ve slept with men for money in order to get things that I needed. I entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy, but I could never bring myself to do it because, I didn’t want to feel like I was owned by someone else. There were many times I slept with a guy and had a fuckuationship because I needed to secure a safe place to sleep. And I’ve this same story so many times from other people I’ve talked to. I had one friend tell me that he was put out of his momma’s house when he was 18 because the man she married didn’t approve his lifestyle. Do you understand what that does mentally and emotionally to us? To tell your child you have to get out of my house because some basic ass man said they can’t accept who you are. You put a man over your own blood.

And to those parents who put their kids out of their house because of the bible, you deserve to have your ass whipped. Please read in the bible to me where it says that you should disown your child because of their sexual orientation? So, you force a child, who is not ready for the world, to have to figure out how to survive with no preparation. And we wonder why so gay LGBTQ+ people struggle with mental health and acceptance and love. You wonder why we do anything we need to so we can survive. It is directly linked to the fact that once critical members of our family turned their backs on us, we had to do whatever necessary to survive until we could establish a more “traditional” way to handling life’s challenges. So, before you judge that gay person who keeps fucking for money or whatever they do, understand that the root cause of that, most times not all, is that they were forced to figure out their survival at an age that they weren’t prepared for it. Or life hit them in a way that they had no resources to pull from, so they used what they did have, their body, to make a living.

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Heart Chronicles – Alone in the Chaos

To be clear, I know that I am never truly alone, yet I feel alone so many times as the chaos of life swirls around me. As the realities of a world impacted daily by Covid continue to be felt, the loneliness felt after unexpected and unexplained disappearances by people bothers me. Sometimes I wish I could just call any of my three best friends and just vent. Expressing all the anger, frustration and hurt I feel, but feeling unable to do so for various reasons with each person. I understand that life happens, and we all have things that we must handle, but why does it always feel like when I really am at my point of needing that outlet no one is ever there. When the events are fresh and eroding at my mental the most, I can’t call anyone I need to and talk to them because they won’t answer their phones. And yes, I understand that I don’t know exactly what they’re doing, so they may have a very legitimate reason as to why they can’t be here for me, but it feels like all the time when it’s my time to lean on my support, they’re not there.

There is a trend that has been happening lately that is very disturbing to me and I’m really trying to understand why it’s happening to me at this point. Within the past couple months, four different men have engaged me in conversation towards something more than just a fuck type thing. Of these four all of them have done something of the same thing and I really have no understanding as to why. We talked daily, had good, substantive, engaging, fun conversation, or so I thought, only for them to disappear with no warning, with no explanation, with no reason as to why. All at different times within the conversation points. As I sit here today, I still don’t get it. I don’t come at anyone any way other than authentic. Yet it seems like niggas like to get a taste of that energy then disappear. I guess it’s too much? Maybe people can’t handle someone who is truly authentic and real with them. And I get it, you might say well I may think I’m being honest and real and maybe those people are seeing or sensing something else. You know that may very well be true, the only problem is because they were bitches and didn’t tell me, only they will ever know.

Despite these things happening I haven’t been able to tell my best friends what’s been happening and how I really feel. One of them is never really able to talk to me now because life has made her extremely busy. One of them, he likes to be in and out now. That is new that I’m not used to but I’m trying to have understanding for him and what he has going on with his life. Someone who has been there for me and I’ve been there for him for the past 14 years. I call and get no answer, I call again later and get no answer, I text with no response, so I let it go and deal with these thoughts and feelings on my own. My other best friend is trying to find his closure with a man who has been fucking him over for the past 4 to 5 years. Because I am a good friend and I love him dearly, I sit back and support him, but his availability isn’t the same either, so I handle my issues by myself. I am very capable of doing this, by the way, but having the ones you count on for support there to talk you through it helps so much. being alone is a feeling I don’t really enjoy, but it’s one I’ve gotten used to. Alone in the chaos.

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Heart Chronicles – Unnecessary Lying

What I cannot understand for the life of me is why niggas spend so much time lying about what you want, what you looking for, and what your intentions are. It’s not really a difficult concept to understand, but it seems like people would rather lie, waste peoples time and create unnecessary mental and emotional uncertainty, all because you won’t be real with what you want. The simple solution to this is for people to be honest with themselves first, which should allow them to be honest with the people they talk to after that. If you find trouble being real, then at the very least just keep things on a low stress level situation. If you know you not ready for something real, keep it at a friend level or a fuck friend level, if you wanna know what you getting before you commit. Another thing you could do, if you’re not comfortable doing that, just stop blowing bullshit and then disappearing after. Be the man that you are and just let it be known the whole situation.

All of these options to me present opportunity for situations to end without burning a bridge that you may want to revisit one day. One life lesson I learned is that you never know when someone from your past may come back to be present in your future. And in those cases, often times you find yourself wanting to revisit things because maybe you’re in a better place with life, but you forgot how you wronged them in the past and so you don’t get that chance in the future. The main thing is, and maybe some really don’t care, you never know who could be meant for you, but you spend too much time trying to be slick or have it all your way and you lose something that could be special. Even bigger than that common respect says you should at least be upfront with someone that’s not just a fuck. One thing I respect someone for is the ability to be honest and say they just wanna fuck, nothing more and nothing less. That establishes the dynamic from the jump, leaving no room for false pretense.

Part of the reason lies are unnecessary is because you never know if the person you’re lying to feels the same way you do. In creating situations where you lie or just flat out disappear without giving any reason for what’s going on, you rob the person of knowing why you left and again create unnecessary mental pauses within the mind of someone. One of the biggest lies I hear all the time when someone wants to tell me why they’re single is because they were mistreated, abused, misused, unappreciated and fill in the blank with every negative that you can think of. Meanwhile, in your dealings with that person they’re showing you all the traits that they claim someone gave to them. And isn’t that part of the problem with lies. When you’re the one that is displaying the actions that you claim were given to you, it creates this schism that you were the one who fucked up, but you had to blame it on the others because they’re not present to refute what you said. Again, unnecessary lies, wasting time.

When you sit and spend weeks having conversation and building and bond, then you erase yourself as quickly as you showed up, it makes everything you said in those weeks feel like a lie. Because the truth is if you were true to the things you said about yourself prior, you wouldn’t have removed yourself randomly and sneakily without expressing why. I am a big believer that you should be willing to face someone when you decide you want to walk away from something that isn’t just a physical connection. The same way that you take the time and energy to start engaging with someone, is the same way you should be eager to face them and explain why you are walking away. If it’s because you’re not ready say so, if it’s because you found a better connection with someone else say so, if it’s because you got overwhelmed say so. Whatever the reason be willing to say it, because then you make someone have a feeling that they’re not worth the truth.

The worst is when you have someone speaking out both sides of their necks because the outside influences have infiltrated inside their mind. When you make a decision that you want to deal with someone, it’s not about what anyone outside y’all relationship that should be impacting what you do, it should be the two people. But, when lies are involved, you see why people keep their business to themselves. The lies can go both ways, and I’m very well aware of that, but again I believe that when you confront someone with the truth you have a much easier ability to remove yourself quickly when the truth gets exposed in the light. I don’t understand why people claim to want something, but then run the lies that waste time. If you want a person then embrace it, stop running or looking for other people give you dirt to allow you to run to your insecurities.

Lies hurt and then impact of the lies can hurt even more. Just be real with yourself at all times, and therefore, you will be real with others as well. Stop the cycle of hurt, by not contributing to someone else’s pain.

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Heart Chronicles – One Sided relationships hurt

I honestly can’t explain why I feel like this all the time, but with so many friendships, relationships, situationships, people love to wait for me to do everything and then bitch or complain when I put some responsibility on them. Who the fuck really thinks that any real relationship is healthy if you don’t have consistent, equal communication? I will understand why people want to deal with folks, but you don’t want to be responsible for playing your part in the relationship. I do not accept the excuses of living a busy life, because believe me, my life isn’t just a piece of cake, but I know how to make time for the friends and important people in my life. It’s really not a hard thing to do, if you ask me. It’s something that if you really care for someone, you will make sure you make the effort necessary to let them know you care.

I’m also going to honestly say that the shit hurts too. It feels like I’m living in a time period that I don’t fit in when it comes to talking and communicating. Most people want to just do their own thing and come and go out of people’s lives whenever they feel it’s convenient for them, when in reality, the truth is it’s a fuck ass way out of having to be a real and responsible friend or lover. It makes me feel very unappreciated and that’s such an awful feeling to have. For me, I feel like if I chose to be part of your life, I owe it to you to make sure we have regular conversations. That doesn’t mean that we gotta talk every day or every other day for that much, but it does mean that we should be talking regularly enough that I’m not wondering why the fuck do I have your number in the first place.

These feelings take on even more significance when you’re a best friend or lover and the only time I can talk to you is if I text or call you first. Again, understanding that if you have kids your time is limited. If you take care of family or you have a career that demands your time, you may not be able to have routine conversation, but again that should not prevent you from communicating. I will never understand someone who says they want you, but you don’t have time to talk regularly if I’m not initiating the conversations. How can you want someone, but you can’t make time for them? Talking and making time for the people you care for are the things that are free in life to do. It’s also something allows for them to know that you are interested in them.

The worst thing that you can do is to let someone feel like they’re in it alone. It has a tendency to make that person feel smart or not important to you. The second worst thing that you can do, is to give a bunch of bullshit ass excuses and make it seem like they should always be understanding, while you take no responsibility for your lack of actions. The third worst thing you can do is ignore the concern they are expressing to you. When you do that, you’re setting yourself up for things to end on a sour note. People don’t seem to understand that most times, when someone is telling you about something they don’t like that you’re doing, or they’re telling you how what you’re doing, or not doing, is making them feel, that is their way of showing they still care about what you do. Which also means that they still care about you as well. Once that person stops talking and telling you about the situation, that usually means they’ve come to their own conclusion about things, and you might not like how it ends up.

I’m not sure who told people to start acting like they don’t have to do their part, and do it consistently, but it’s causing so many relationships and friendships to come to an end. No one likes to feel like they’re being fucked around with. So, stop the fuck shit and act like you want the friendship or relationship that you claim you do.