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Heart Chronicles

Have you ever just woken up and felt like you were just tired of it all. Nothing had happened the night before to cause this feeling and mindset to surface, just a culmination of things that have occurred in your recent history. It’s like something in your mind and heart just click. You can’t really give an explanation for why it happened right now, you just know that you’re drained. Your body feels exhausted and tired. Mentally and emotionally you’re just spent. It feels like all your energy and desire has been sapped from your body. It just has the feeling of depression, a hard one, trying to settle in over you and you just don’t really want to fight it currently. It feels pointless to do so, because all you’re really going to get is an artificial passification of your feelings and troubles that are weighing you down. While you sit and look off into space wondering one simple question.. Why?

You are asking yourself why did these things happen to you in the sequence that they did. Why were you denied children for a third time. Why was your heart unnecessarily broken again, when you did nothing wrong. Why was your biggest protector and supporter taken away with no real warning. Why aren’t you able to close the deal now on new employment opportunities. Why with the impressive and solid resume you possess are you still toiling in a position that you know you are vastly over qualified for. Why are you sitting in a sort of financial circle. Able to obtain a small degree of financial security, but nothing like what you feel that you should have right now. Why haven’t some of your dreams and desires happened for you yet. Why haven’t you been able to assemble the cast necessary for the show you want to reach the masses. Why does it seem like you can’t catch the break that you need to be found and exposed for the talented individual that you really are. Why are you unable to keep a lover. Why do people always want to try to reshape parts of your image into what they want, instead of accepting that with you they get 90 percent of what they want in a man. That 10 percent will never be found, that’s not the point. The point is when someone meets you that far down the road, why would you destroy him?

You ask yourself why do people feel the need to lie to you about what they want or their level of satisfaction. Why is it necessary to hide things from someone who is so open and real with life and the experiences that you have had. Why does it feel like you will are always the resource for others, but never given the resources for yourself. Why are you always seemingly expected to put out or pour out from your blessings, but never given a blessing from others. Why are you so kind hearted and willing to forgive, when being an ass would save you so much time and disappointment. You just sit and question everything about yourself and what you’re doing with your life. You wonder should you really just take off the shackles and allow yourself to be less restrained. Give in to the unhinged personality waiting to exist. Wondering what does that version of you actually look like. Does that mean that you’re willing to be even more free willing, less concerned with negative results and consequences? Does it mean that you allow yourself to abandon many of those considerate, resourceful dispositions that you’ve maintained for all these years? It feels like even that wouldn’t give you the successful results that you really are seeking at this time.

It all just starts to overwhelm you so much. You keep wondering how much more are you going to be asked to take. How much more can you sacrifice or not have satisfaction for in your life. You don’t understand how you can be feeling all this torment and despair, yet still people don’t see the pain or heartache. They keep coming to you, knowing that you will give them what they need. Be it an ear to listen, a brain to provide solutions, a heart to provide empathy and compassion, money to provide financial relief or food relief, or a ride to somewhere. You are given a gift but you also see how much you have been taken for granted that weighs on you just as much as anything. When you were at the height of your giving, so called friends were always around and to be found. Yet, when you started curtailing those things, not being so freely to give of money and food primarily, a lot of those folks dried up. Now there isn’t a dinner to be had, joint shopping to be done, chill times to be had. Now, it’s just a lot of you being by yourself. No appreciation shown when your birthday comes or Christmas comes. Just you and you appreciating you. I guess that’s the lesson that has stuck with me the most. Always just rely on yourself.

It feels better to have sat and released some of the things that are on my heart. It doesn’t remove the pain or sadness. It doesn’t take away the feeling of not being appreciated or recognized, but it releases some of it from my spirit. Let me be perfectly clear. All the the things that I’ve done were never for the acclaim or so that people would give me back. It was all done because I wanted to and I enjoyed the bonding time and laughter and priceless moments that were created. The memories from those events are always going to stick with me. At the same time, people have a habit of showing their appreciation or thanks for folks buy giving of themselves in some way to them. Be it with a financial gift or physical gifts, the art of showing that appreciation is there. Maybe this doesn’t resonate with you. Maybe you’ve always been shown appreciation or you’ve never had to worry about any of these feelings. Hopefully you never will. If you have, then some or all of what I’ve written speaks to you. Talk back to me or pass it forward.

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Mental War

The title is very self explanatory so I will not indulge with a lead in here. Let’s just really get the nuts and bolts of the situation. I’m starting find myself at war with mental make up here lately. Now some might read that and say, How the fuck can you be at war with your own mental makeup, you’re the designer of that head space? The answer to me is simple.. my heart and the other reaches of my mind are conflicting with the primary cognitive processes that go through my head on a daily basis. If you’re still a bit confused then I challenge you to really take some time to get a little more in tune with all of your mental faculties, it’s a very eye opening and self aware thing to do. With that though, comes a greater deal of awareness of yourself, including past and present, which makes things more complex in a way. You often things are able to think of what past version of you would do, you know what the present version of you is likely to do, but then you have the deeper reaches of you that are toiling about. Sometimes, it can be a more sinister side of yourself, or it can be a more utopian or idealistic version of your thoughts that wants to include itself in your mindset.

I’m starting to figure out when you have all these different iterations of your mentality mixing about, it can make for some very arduous times. Essentially what you have is your mind wondering in all of these different directions about the myriad of situations playing out in your day to day life and the decisions that you make as a result of these situations. On a deeper level, once many of these situations have played themselves out, you really spend time mentally talking yourself through all of it. Looking at it from all the angles of the mind that you have unlocked. In some ways, you are acting as a counselor for yourself. Thinking of all of these different scenarios as to why things occurred the way they did. If you could have changed anything to make the situation better or prevent it from occurring in the first place. And definitely, if things didn’t go well, you’re wondering if one of those different mentalities could’ve handled it better and allowed for the situation to have a more satisfactory or positive ending.

Part of the deal also is that you wonder if your primary mindset is the correct mental perspective you need to operating with in this time. It makes you think if you need to take time to regroup and reshape your mentality to gravitate to one of other mindsets, making the necessary personality changes or adjustments to follow suit with that mentality. That to me is where things become just a little more complicated. Because in these moments where you’re questioning your own mental make up, it means you’re also questioning the personality traits and style that you are operating from. What it represents is a challenge to yourself and your way of thinking and living. It’s you forcing yourself to look at how you do things and determine if you can do things a better way. If you need to retool your own demeanor for the betterment of yourself. It’s that constant personal battle within, to be the best version of yourself or the most comfortable version of yourself. Many times they aren’t one in the same and that struggle to determine which needs to exist primarily is a bitch.

When you are alone with yourself and your thoughts, you allow for yourself to have an honest moment, if you’re being honest and open with yourself. It gives you a chance to look at the things that are happening and have happened and decide what you should to in order to continue to get those results or what needs to be done to prevent those outcomes from continuing to happen. It challenges you to look at yourself and wonder if your style is too passive or aggressive, or if it’s just right and the designed outcomes is happening for you. It makes you wonder if you’re attracting the right people and if you’re not, what it says about you and the energy and aura you’re putting out to the universe for people to pickup on. I think it also forces you to make real decisions about being present or allowing yourself to remain on pause. When you’ve been hurt this process can be doubly complicated because you’re emotionally broken and damaged, which feeds into your mental state as well. Emotional instability leads to mental instability and vice versa. So if you’re dealing with mental and emotional traumas, it stands to reason that you’re compromised from a decision making stand point and you need time to heal from all those wounds before you starting making major overhauls to yourself and your character.

Writing this today, has really helped me to see with even greater clarity, that I am a man who is deeply scared and severely wounded. I have learned how to cope with the pain and hurt to the point that I can function, but my mind is constantly at war with itself and my emotions are inwardly fighting daily to become more outward showing. It, for me, is why I feel that this mental war is the most challenging that I’ve ever been through. It encompasses so many things that have been so close to my heart and losing all of them has really tossed me into this unknown state. Days come where I want to burn it all down, destroy it all and just disappear. To be removed from the emotional and mental and physical pains that occupies space in my life. And then times come, where my sanity returns and I continue to move forward. Smiling and trying to find ways to handle these obstacles. The war within is trying to decide what to do, where to go and who to be. Questions that will alter the course of my life, that will shape this next part of the journey. Part is saying let it all go. Burn it to the ground and start all over again. Part of me is saying, leave all of yesterday in yesterday and let today be the beginning. Part of me is saying, take the best parts of what was, put them with the best parts of what is and create the best of what will be.

I don’t know how many of you this will resonate with, but maybe in your days, weeks, months and years to come you will reflect back on this post and think to yourself, my mental war is not one that I’m alone in fighting, I just have to have the resolve and the strength to keep fighting. My breakthrough and reward is on the other side. Just make the right choice and let the chips fall where they will.

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Heart Chronicles

I am usually the eternal optimist. I almost always try to see things from a positive disposition. But there are things that really just pull at me and it makes me think, causes pause in my mind and heart. I know that I’ve talked about my past pain with my lost children, and while there has been some closure there, I always have these hard dreams and empty feelings of missing what I helped to create that didn’t get to breathe life on this planet. I don’t know how to explain it or really the best way to describe it. I can be doing just fine and then see commercials with young kids or babies, or see my friends timeline on social media talking about their kids or showing pictures of their kids and my mind instantly goes to the thoughts about my missing three. No matter how hard I try and how much I move forward, I think about what my life would be like with my three babies here.

You know it’s one of the few things that makes me have some resentment towards the general public. I don’t understand why I wasn’t and currently haven’t been given the opportunity to have my own children. I took on the role of parent, being a Gay father to all my babies that I’ve grown up over the years. And while that has been extremely fulfilling and I have loved every minute of helping to raise them and grow them into the amazing men that they have become, I am also hurt and saddened that I haven’t been able to just enjoy being a father from birth all the way through to children of my own creating. There is a pain and hurtfulness that comes along with losing kids that you really don’t get to recover fully from, in my opinion. Especially this time of the year. Christmas time, kids excited and trying to barter their way into extra presents. Trying to do everything under the sun asked of them to make sure they get the most of what they want. That spirit of cheer and happiness, something I feel but that I also miss because I don’t have them to share it with.

Granted if my twins were here they wouldn’t be able to really appreciate it, because they would only be 8 months old, but if my three year old was here, he would be really excited I’m sure. As a child I know that I was always overly excited and energetic for this time of the year. Knowing that gifts were coming and I would see all my friends and family and how much fun I would be having with them. I really just sit sometimes and wonder why am I not being given this gift of creating life and then raising that child or children that I created. I know that God doesn’t make mistakes and if it is within my calling to have children I will. At the same time, I hate that I have to feel this heart sinking feeling on such a regular basis. I don’t know that I will ever have the thoughts and dreams of what could’ve been out of my mind. I’m not sure that I will ever get to know what it’s like to hold a baby in my arms that comes in part from me. The miscarriage that we suffered last year was devastating on a level that I can’t explain. But the abortion, that I never agreed to or knew about until two years after it was done, is the one that kills me more than anything. To know that we were just a few months away from having a beautiful child, it leaves such a sickening feeling in my heart.

It’s so hard to not have resentment for the mother of my first child. Knowing that so much was done in secrecy and private, but I always try to remember that through it all, that person was willing, at least at first, to give my my first child. I can’t really tell you how often my mind wonders what I could have done differently, while still being true to myself and my feelings, and still have my son here with me today. After having a recent conversation with my would’ve been baby mother, I’m convinced that there really was nothing I could so, short of being in a relationship that wasn’t as healthy as it should have been from a mental perspective. I finally realized after this last talk that I really wasn’t able to salvage that situation. And even with that knowledge I still don’t think it was right or fair to basically kill my child because your emotions were raw and your feelings were hurt. That to me should never be the reason that something life changing like that is done. Playing with life and the lives of people, not just your own, should never be the end result.

Life teaches me that in order to make way for the next gift, I have to be able to get over the past torment or pain. My heart will forever be torn on this dynamic because I hurt for my lost child that didn’t have to be. I hurt for my twins that were lost and I don’t really understand why me. But I will keep my head clear, my heart open and my emotions under control. Hopefully my time will come and I will be able to raise my own.

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Heart Chronicles

One of the hardest things to do is to recover from a relationship without closure. I think that when you have so many questions that aren’t answered and you have no true reason as to why things ended so abruptly, it makes you examine and over examine things to try to find the solution. It creates the constant state of uncertainty. It makes you not sure of yourself from a compatibility stand point. I say that because if you don’t really know why someone chose to leave a situation that didn’t have any obvious or clear issues, you know that there was some underlying issue at play. You just aren’t sure if it was you or the other person that really caused that issue to exist. You wonder what you did or said that may have triggered something that caused them say the can’t continue further.

It leaves you with a sense of turmoil and a lack of understanding. You frequently question yourself when you have time alone to yourself to think about what happened. There is no way to resolve those questions within a short period of time. You have to let your mind wonder, if only to find its own answers that can be logical enough for you accept it as reality and allow you to move forward the best that you can. But, this usually also results in you feeling sort of bland about yourself. Yes, it’s possible that you could convince yourself that it wasn’t anything you did, that it was all about the other person. Other times, and more likely, you find yourself wondering if it was a con job. Were you being played, just so that they could achieve whatever goal they had in their mind.

It is often the second scenario that causes the most heart ache and disappointment. I am willing to bet that in that scenario, both of you expressed your love for each other, planned to build life together, considered yourselves to be likeminded souls who were yearning for that person that would understand you and be ready to grow together. You’re left feeling abandoned and alone. It really doesn’t matter if you have others who are trying to pursue you after this failure. You don’t really want to have their affection and you aren’t wanting to return the energy they are putting out. What you really want is just have time to yourself to wallow, but you aren’t able to do that because you know that you can’t afford to shut down.

If you are someone who relates to this, I can only offer you this kind of advice: Allow your mind the freedom to roam and reflect on all that has happened. Allow your emotions to bubble up to the surface and display themselves. But do not sit and wallow in your pain for too long. Use your coping mechanisms to overcome this situation. If you love music, listen to songs that will allow you to shed the tears you wish to shed and also to begin to rebuild you and encourage you thru the process. Don’t feel obligated to share the details of your breakup with anybody. Don’t feel pressure to discuss that person at all. Take time to heal as much as you need before you decide to talk about any of this. Involving too many people will only make it worse for yourself. In time you will be able to express as much or as little of it as you wish to those around you.

Depending on how deeply involved you were with this person you will have a shorter or longer recovery period. Depending on how much of yourself you put into the relationship, you will have longer moments of grief and disbelief. Only time will be able to resolve the conflict that roars within you. The answers that you’re looking for will only come as time passes and hopefully you still let yourself be open to love so you can see why you had to go through that situation in order to prepare you for the next one or the one after that. Don’t allow this to completely destroy you or discourage you from wanting to date and have love again. Some day someone will come along who will truly appreciate you for you and will want you for you.

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Rising Phoneix

If you are familiar with the metaphorical Phoenix, then you understand that to be called a Phoenix is both a blessing and a curse. This post strips away the physical form of this beautiful creature and focuses on the characteristics and how they apply to the human self and how it is impacted. From my point of view the Phoenix being has great strength and passion. A love that burns bright and pure. They give of themselves unapologetically, and yet is often taken for granted and mistreated. They are underappreciated and not given their flowers until after they’ve moved on from those that have damaged them. They and others marvel at their ability to recover and rebuild from devastation and hurt. It can often times create a twisted addiction to the thrill and flame out, but eventually that strength becomes it’s weakness. That fire burns too bright and too long and they just can’t take anymore. Causing another beautiful soul to turn black and either wither away or retreat into a more introverted way of being.

I think that the general guiding premise for the Phoenix like personality, is that you are at the core a pure soul. You have intentions that are only good. You love with clear and vibrant passion. You have an energy and fire about you that is contagious and unmistakable. People often gravitate towards you, but also away from you because your fire is bright and almost always positive. That keeps away those who seek to have you toiling in their negativity. It is something that leaves you prone to being more alone at times because your strength of character doesn’t allow you to be manipulated easily into wrong doing. Or contributing to unsuccessful behavior. Your strength of purpose and resolve makes others envious at times and that also creates a void of friends. Usually that means when you truly make genuine friendships, they last a long time.

The weakness though of the type of individual is a part of their strength. The power of their flame can be used against them. The actions and doings of others impacts the Phoenix person greatly. So imagine that someone is able to get close to you and then abuses you. Takes advantage of the loving and kind and generous nature that you operate from. Once you have removed the rose hue that you look at them with, it is innate within you to now defend yourself from that. But, when it’s someone that you love and care for deeply, you struggle to use that flame to properly extinguish them. Instead you let your blue flame burn enough to shield you, while still being impacted by that negative red flame. It creates a pain that tolerate because you have the strength to withstand it. But the question is for how long and at what cost?

How long will you let that person affect you and how much are you willing to pay in order to let this happen. Are you willing to lose your career, health, internal peace, external happiness and all the possessions that you have worked for, all in the name of loving someone? All because you know that deep down, once you truly activate that Phoenix spirit and character within, you will rise again from the destruction, battered but intact. But the question is how intact are you? Are you losing pieces of yourself every time you have to rise again from the proverbial grave? And then it prompts me to think about the concept that’s presented in one of the mythical stories about the Phoenix bird. That after time, the animal grew tired of living eternally and always being able to reprise itself after flaming out and burning. So it eventually gave up that eternal rebirth and allow itself to be extinguished.

My take on the human characteristic of the Phoenix is that there comes a time when that Phoenix within has had enough. It can’t take the burning flames any longer. It doesn’t have the same energy to give and it eventually gives up. This of course, is if that person isn’t able to find what their inner Phoenix really wants. Someone to tame that flame. To love them and care for them as passionately as they do. Give their full effort and energy so the inner Phoenix doesn’t feel the need to be ignited and burning all the time. When this occurs, it is my belief that then that inner Phoenix can survive, recharge and be prepared should it need to be activated again for a prolonged period of time.

I don’t believe that everyone has an inner Phoenix or better yet, is a Phoenix. It is given to select people, but it’s not hard to detect. Primarily because that energy radiates off the person. It can always be felt. They have a constant warmth to their body because the energy from the fire burns strong. If you are one of these people, let that Phoenix protect you as much as it can, but also be open to letting someone ease that flame, just be careful who you select. If you are the person that gets to be with someone who has this Phoenix quality, understand they are special and will be unlike any person before or after them.

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Broken Vessel

I have tried numerous times over the years to impress upon people how important it is for there to be open communication and total truth within your relationship. Those are two of the most important elements that must be present, along with love, passion and togetherness, in order a relationship to have the success it deserves. When these elements are missing, it creates a tension that has to be alleviated by talking out the issue to resolve the situation and restore the full circle of the relationship. It defies my understanding why someone would choose not to be open and honest with their partner when there has always been established communications lines that have allowed for sharing of deep personal secrets and addressing of the issues.

Let me explain and let me help you understand why the “avoid confrontation” type is harmful to a healthy relationship. If you have built a solid foundation for your relationship, most likely you and your partner have established solid lines of communication. That means you guys can talk about the fun and entertaining things, as well as the more serious and complicated issues that may arise. If this is in place, it would be very unsettling if one of you decided to up and leave without warning, without explanation and void of conflict that is threating to your relationship. Enter, the “averse to conflict” type individual here. It has become my belief that the person who says they don’t like conflict within their relationship, is someone who isn’t mentally mature to handle the complex dynamics of a relationship. They are also a huge threat to the peace within that you create for yourself.

It has always been my belief that all relationships need a healthy dose of conflict resolution. The conflicts are the things that let you see the type of person you’re embarking on your journey with. It lets you know if you have a quitter, or someone who is more a support type or someone who is a lead Alpha and wants to make sure they can address anything head on to make things better. Either way, conflict resolution takes two to create the conflict and two to resolve such issue. It means that both parties are engaged and ready to work through the issues, and it also means that there is an honesty and openness discussing the situations. If you are the person who says you are “conflict averse” then you are the threat to this resolution being successful.

The person who wants to avoid conflict, is one who on the norm, will be open and honest about everything else within the relationship. They will be willing to tell you the things that are deeply personal about them. They will communicate their likes and dislikes. Sexually you guys can have a very satisfying sex life and have the intimacy you desire. They are flexible and willing to be compromise. But, be warned, when there is conflict that they can’t easily handle, or when their way isn’t the way accepted going forward, the end result will likely be a removal of themselves from the relationship, not a solution to the problem. This characterization is not meant to encompass all people who have this type of character, because we all know people are different. It is a generalized premise, but I can tell you it has more factual following than not. And people who are Type A lite personalities will fall into this category more often than not.

Unfortunately I recently had to go through this exact situation and the results left this vessel broken. It was the vile and nasty way in which the situation was handled. It to me was uncaring and unempathetic. It reeked of selfishness and self gratification. I would have never thought that someone would have such a callous game plan that they would build up all this good will and “love”, only to destroy all of it in the blink of an eye. This with no warning or explanation. No rationale given, no conversation had to gain understanding or resolution before simply bolting at the first opportunity presented. To be clear things were being portrayed as rosy and well. Communications had were preparing for the future, planning date nights and a impending move within the next couple months. All of it flushed in a matter of an hour.

When you are already questioning yourself because of things prior that you are still resolving internally, to have a lover briskly remove themselves, with no warning is jarring and damaging. Hell if all was right within you, something like this would leave you shaken. But when it something that was a year and half in the building and the open dialog happened without effort, it leaves you questioning what really was going on/ How long had the plan been to exit stage left. It makes you wonder if they were faithful to you the whole time, It puts the spotlight on you, rather than where it should be. On the person who did such a cowardly, fuck nigga thing. It creates so much hurt and anger. Not being able to establish any level of closure, because you don’t know why and you don’t know where they are in order to close the book. So you have to sit with lingering questions, a damaged heart and a broken vessel.

If you know that you’re someone who isn’t good at conflict resolution, try talking to your partner before you just walk out on them. Give it a chance to work. Maybe you will find that you are better at resolving conflict that you thought you were. Conflict is character building and relationship building. You grow stronger together when you face a challenge and overcome it as a unit, rather than trying to handle it all by yourself, or completely removing yourself all together as a means to avoid challenge or critique. None of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers, Therefore, we need to be challenged and opened up to other ways of thinking that are positive and helpful because they help us grow as people.

I never thought that I would go through this because I pride myself on being an open and honest listener and communicator. I always aim to make sure my partner is comfortable and feels comfortable talking to me about anything at any time. I know men have a hard time, sometimes, expressing those things that emotional or complex, but if you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you have to learn how to do so. Lean on your lover and let them help guide you until you find your own footing, That is part of the reason that you’re with someone. To share the journey of life together, to learn and grow from and with each other. Sadly that didn’t happen here. Instead it all now feels fake and contrived. The worst part is I don’t get the chance to ask why and have my questions answered. You left without a trace, only a sticky note with no explanation, just an I’m sorry. It feels like the final straw. The blow that breaks the bow. Who resurfaces from this, I don’t know, but definitely not the person I know inside.

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Emotional Rollercoaster

This writing won’t attempt to connect dots necessarily to prior writings. It will encompass a couple topics that I’ve written about previously but touch on them in a slightly different way. I think it’s because these three situations are very personal and emotionally difficult for me to get through. It’s something that I struggle to really handle and it’s also because I haven’t told my mom about any of these. I feel like as a son I’ve wanted to protect her from some of the major disappointments and pains of my life. When you’re an only child a mother is like your rock, best friend and all that. Put to it that you’re gay and it usually magnifies that dynamic ten fold. That means that when you hurt they hurt just as hard as you do. Sometimes a little harder depending on the circumstance. These three circumstances, while I’ve been able to work through, they still hurt and often times the emotions seep into my daily function of life.

I think the hardest thing for me to do is to tell my mom that twice she was set to become a grandmother but it wasn’t to be. The first time because my ex, without consultation with me, killed our first child. It was going to be a boy. My first born was going to be a mini me. But, because they were being selfish, I wasn’t able to see his beautiful face come into this world. He wasn’t given the opportunity to live and grow in this world. That moment has stuck with me more than a little bit. My son would be three years old, only a few months away from his fourth birthday. Getting ready to begin the journey of school and developing himself. I really believe that had my son been born, that would have been a life changing moment for me. Just having someone be pregnant, willingly at first, with my child was amazing. But, for things to have turned within a span of months because we couldn’t see eye to eye on a relationship was heart breaking.

I have thoughts and dreams about what my son would be doing right now. I think about how my momma would feel, knowing and seeing her little grandson developing. I wonder if he would look like me or his other parent? The truth is this still eats away at me because I ask myself if I could have done anything different. And while I know the answer is yes, the one thing that would have allowed my son to be born would have been the one thing that would have made me unhappy and wasted years of my life just to appease someone else. That, in my opinion, is wrong and it’s sad that people who know they can hold that kind of power would do so, just so that they can get what they want. Instead of allowing something so beautiful as a child to be born into this world. Your legacy forever entrenched on this planet.

If that loss wasn’t bad enough, I had the chance for me to have a child a second time. This time we were pregnant with twins. Not with the same person and this happened last year. While it was not planned immediately, it was definitely wanted. We had no idea that we would be blessed with two babies at once. It was a high risk pregnancy however and unfortunately, three months after, we lost the kids to a miscarriage. I can tell you that both of us were as heart broken and devastated as you can be. It is the most hurtful and painful experience to go through. Yet, this moment hasn’t been shared with my mom because this also occurred a little more than a month after the unexpected death of my grandma. If you can compound loss on top of loss, it’s among some of the worst pain you will feel.

When I found out that we were having twins, it made me have these feelings of another rebirth of sorts. I felt this incredible high because I thought maybe I was getting a make up for the loss of my first child with two kids this time. And when it wasn’t to be it crushed me so bad. I don’t know that I’ve really recovered from it, but, because I live on my own and away from fam I don’t have time to wallow in my sorrow because I have to continue to provide for myself. But there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about what could’ve been. Especially knowing that there was a tentative due date of my birthday this year. What a special gift that would’ve been. To welcome my twins on my birthday. The emotions in me are still somewhat blank, because I don’t know how to really overcome this grief that I feel. Because the grief turns to a tint of resentment towards others, who didn’t want kids and got them. How do you wrap your head around it, I have no idea.

Finally, I opened up on this subject a few months ago when we were at the peak of the protests in the Black Lives Matter, after the murder of George Floyd. It was my account of my life altering experience with the Atlanta Police Department. You know, having an intimate understanding of what a black man in this country goes through, I think that trying to explain to your momma that you have been subjected to some of the things she has seen on tv is a very challenging thing to do. Primarily because she lives in another state and if something was to happen she couldn’t get to me for hours. I never want to burden her with knowing that her son is another part of the statistic of black men who have been wrongfully profiled, held at multiple gun points by the men charged to protect and serve. All because someone made a generic profile of a black man committing crimes that I happen to fit. Even though I was still in my work uniform, at my own car, I was still the suspect and forced to prove I’m innocent, instead of being proven guilty on the spot.

I haven’t told her about this because I know that she would be more concerned than a mother normally is for her child. I don’t want to add any more stress to her, but in some ways I really want to just break down in my momma’s arms and tell her the things her son has been through and how emotionally scared I am. But I think one of the other reasons that I haven’t is because being forced to accept these truths with no filter has also grown me in a lot of ways. Made me realize that I am stronger than I sometimes give myself credit for and I really have to appreciate myself for my strength and resiliency more than I do.

Either way, there are so many more moments of things that have happened, but these three for me are the emotional rollercoasters that really give me pause and makes me pause to not want to tell her.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics, real talk

The System is Broken

I have really sat back and thought about this and it is my conclusion. I think that what really needs to happen to the system is it needs to be torn down and rebuilt. For hundreds of years now it has been skewed towards the White people in this country and I really don’t see anything coming that will reset the balance to be equal. I know some may think that the incremental changes made are steps in the right direction, and on the one hand they are. However, I also feel that it’s not enough because it can’t really help to do what’s needed. That is to reconstruct the mind and souls of the Black community. My community is torn and struggling because the fabric and foundation of who were are was ripped from us by the White community and we haven’t recovered since.

Here is my honest truth about all of this. First of all, being Black in this country is a dominant trait. When genealogy has been done, it has been determined that the African American race is the dominant trait, and because White Americans weren’t able to simulate to that, they had to become the oppressive race because they are the recessive trait. If you aren’t sure what word recessive means, it means that it is not the predominant trait. It means that when White people and Black people create a baby together, that child is melaninated. It means that contrary to what some would have us believe, the White race is not superior to Black people. Truth is that Black people have the dominant gene and in most cases the superior race. We have created so many of the inventions attributed to White people, but the victors get to write history.

The facts are when people want entertainment, they turn to the Black community for athletes and musicians to be their relaxation and enjoyment. When they need things repaired correctly, they turn to Black people. When they need their children raised and their food cooked, they turn to Black people. When they want their hair done stylishly and healthy they come to Black people. It seems to be that the system is willing to admit that Black people are talented and in most cases, superior to their White counterparts, but we’re not talented enough to be widespread business leaders, to be owners of professional franchises, to be heads of state and leaders of government. Similarly the legal system doesn’t take even handed to us either.

I wonder why it is that the same crimes can be committed by a Black man and a White man, yet the Black man is infinitely times more likely to get a severe punishment, while the White man might not even get any jail time at all. I wonder why it is that money can buy you anything in the legal system. That definitely disproportionately affects Black people because we weren’t given the same opportunities to acquire wealth, nor have generational wealth to pass down from one generation to the next. You wonder why it is that when we were brought here as slaves we were oppressed and kept uneducated so we could not realize that we were being robbed of our culture and wealth. That’s the reason that the young were typically separated and kept without education, because it was known that if you educate the young it passes down and then we aren’t able to kept ignorant and in the dark.

Fast forward to all the marches, protests, sit-ins, boycotts and fights for us to get a measure of equality in this country. They were all for the right to have the same seat at the table as the White man who controlled the levers of power in this nation. From King to Malcolm to Lewis to Young to Obama and all those before, during and after that helped to organize those marches and protests to conquer the systemic inequalities of hundreds of years of captivity. The reality is that no matter how much we march and protest, we will not achieve the goal. There will never be nationwide reparations for Black people to fairly restore the financial balance of power. There will never be a true reset of principles taught to underscore the importance of family, togetherness, wealth, education and equality.

What Slavery did was permanently separate the races. It defined Black people as inherently inferior to Whites. It also created a permanent stigma that we must fight against each other for who should be given opportunity, instead of fighting alongside each other to attain power together. What White people correctly gaged that if you split people up and throw nominal amounts of money at them that they will lose sight of the power of togetherness they possess. That has been prevalent for us as a people for hundreds of years. Whenever Black America comes together and uses its power to effect change, change happens. Whenever Black American decides that we want to show what our collective might can do, we do it. It’s just that far too often, White people do enough to make us stay in the lanes they made for us.

Here is my solution.. blow this damn system up. Take away all that we know and write a system that is truly equal. A system that doesn’t have systemic racism and prejudice built into its founding. A Constitution that really treats all people as equals. Laws that are equally enforced on both sides and a justice system that doles out punishment, but also has mercy built in as it’s supposed to do. Build the levers of finance so that Black people have opportunity to be business owners and have the capital necessary to sustain business and obtain loans as needed. A system that allows for us to really have our history taught in schools and throughout civilization. Then and only then will this system be fair and equal. Then and only then will we have a system that appreciates the prowess, power, intellect, and collective strength of the Black community.

As long as we are bound to a system of inherit inequality, we will always be subjected to racist and prejudicial situations. Radical thought I know, but truth to power it is. Blow this damn system up and start again. Maybe then, we will be able to say that the system isn’t rigged. That law enforcement isn’t practicing discriminatory practices against my people. Tell me what you think.

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

Keep Your Hands to Yourself

I was watching a show earlier today and the argument that was had was over a man putting his hands on a woman in a fight/altercation. The friend of the females confronted the male after the situation was over to question why they would put their hands on the woman. The man said it was an error in judgement but the heat of the moment in the situation caused him to react and not really think about the fact that it was a woman challenger. Now, I’ve had this discussion a number of times with people and I’m sure I’ve previously written about this before, but my stance on this is probably controversial and some may not like it, but my thing is this.. If you don’t to get punched in the mouth, don’t put your hands on anybody. Period!!

This rule has no exceptions. I do not give a pass to a woman for hitting a man first at all! I think that has got to be one of the most stupidest excuses for violence that I’ve heard. If a woman hits a man, then a man shouldn’t hit back because in theory they are genetically stronger. I say bull shit to to that. I was taught and raised to not let ANYONE put their hands on me. There was not an exception made for a girl or boy, man or woman. So as I got older and was able to freely form my own opinion on this topic, I have stuck strictly to this rule when handling and discussing this subject with people. There shouldn’t be any excuse given as to why a woman can hit a man in anger but the man must simply take it and either hold the woman or take her punches or slaps because they are “superior.”

I want someone to help me understand why in the legal world and in the society at large, we felt the need to have this unwritten rule be the norm. I really can’t understand why this exists. In the gay community if a trans woman get into a physical altercation with a cis man or conforming man, it’s taboo for the man to hit the trans woman. Why the hell is that? I think it’s a complete farce, and it had nothing to do with the fact that I don’t view the transgender person a woman, it’s because it goes against my principle of keep your hands to yourself. For me it is very simple, if you feel that you are agitated enough to want to hit someone be prepared for the consequences regardless of what gender you recognize yourself to be. Also, lets make this a bigger point. Women are always says that they want to be considered equals to men. That they just as strong and aggressive as men, well if that’s the case, definitely all is fair in a fight.

See I’m not one of these folks who says lets separate when to consider women equal and when to say a man is superior simply because it makes for an easier situation. I want things to be as complex as they should be and as simple as they really are. And to me what is really simple about this topic and to squash any complications, make it very easy.. assault is assault. If your a woman and you hit a woman…assault. If you’re a woman and you hit a man… assault. If you’re a man and you hit a man… assault. See that way there is no favorite or predetermined situation that makes the man always guilty no matter what. If we operated with this premise then all these unnecessary conversations after the fact about why a dude hit a woman is unnecessary.

Stop playing like this is really hard. I know many were raised not to put their hands on people, but there was a major emphasis on the man not ever hitting a woman. This was mostly said because one, the man is supposed to be the protector and two, primarily because the man is stronger than the woman so it’s an unfair fight. While that may be true in a majority of cases, that isn’t always the case and should never be the rule to begin with. So as I keep saying, to make this a easy and simple conversation let the rules be the rules for all. If you don’t want no smoke keep your damn hands to yourself. Otherwise, fair game when throwing hands.

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

A Self Reflection

One of the things that has happened as a result of the Covid pandemic is people have had lots of time to be home. A lot times alone, to think about themselves, their lives and where they are in life. Many people have talked about feelings of depression and sadness because they haven’t been able to be as socially active, not able to interact physically with friends and family. It has forced, in my opinion, people to think about things they’re happy with, but more deeply, things that they’re unhappy about. Things that may have hurt and people that have been lost. It has forced people also to look at themselves and see if they are truly happy with where their life is or are they feeling a sense of dissatisfaction.

I find myself, of late, in this position. I have been thinking a little more often about where I am in this stage of my life. I don’t see the level of personal or professional satisfaction that I expected to have at this point. Most of it is self inflicted wounds. I haven’t always allowed myself to stay focused on my goals, be it professionally or personally and it has started to really bother me. I think what also makes it more difficult is I really don’t know just yet which way to turn in order to make the changes that I really want to make. I feel a sense of being stuck and just spinning my wheels in the same type of pattern. But, there are also times where I see progress being made. I see things getting better, I see certain facets improving and I’m happy in a couple regards, but I see too much inconsistency and it bothers me still.

I’m not really sure why it is that I feel so incomplete at this point honestly. There really are good things happening but something inside tells me that it’s not enough. Some things are also telling me that it feels like I’m out of place now. I think this may be what some have talked about when they say they’ve felt despondent and listless. Like they just don’t want to anything and not feeling inspired. Then they get help to reorganize and stabilize themselves. Maybe for me I’m at that point of needing that type of assistance. The truth is though, I don’t really have anyone that I trust to really get into the depths of things like I need to and talking to a professional ain’t cheap.

For me sometimes, I just really feel like I’ve failed myself and let myself down so much. I figured that by this time in life I would be much further along in my professional career. And if I’m being honest, I would’ve been had personal issues not impeded that progress and blown up all the great work I had accomplished. At least three times that I can count where this has happened. Personally, I thought I would have been married by now and had a family started. Real shit, I was close to both things happening on a couple of occasions. I’ve been seriously engaged three times and each one failed to produce a marriage. I’ve been on the verge of having kids twice, once lost to abortion, against my will and without my knowledge. Second time, due to a miscarriage.

It just feels like for me each time I get close to things and take three steps forward, something happens and there are five steps back. It gets to a point honestly, where you feel exhausted and worn out. You think and question whether or not it’s meant for you to have it. Even though you start working on those goals again, you just wonder if you’re in the right place at the right time/ And you realize that it’s a matter of time and opportunity for those things to show themselves and that is one of the most difficult parts to it all. All I really want is a sign of some sort. Something to confirm or deny what I’m doing. I know that I never plan to stop trying to attain those goals. Time will tell if it’s going to happen.