This has been eating away at me for a little bit of time now and I guess now is as good of a time as any to really release these feelings and thoughts. I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure out, what is really a friend and who in my life really fits that image. It’s funny, for as long as I can remember I’ve never really struggled to have what you would call friends. As a child I made friends easily and seemingly effortlessly. It was pretty easy to tell that we had a real friendship at that time. How you say? Because those people were always around me and I was always around them too. It didn’t matter if I moved away from the neighborhood or we into the normal dumb arguments that friends have, we were always going to wind up right back around each other before too much time passed. And the biggest thing about it was that it very rarely one sided. Meaning, my friends would call and come see about me just as much as I would see about them. It was a mutual understanding of friendship and brotherhood/sisterhood. Never to be too far away from each other. Never allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose track of each other. Those were the easier days too I suppose. No responsibility really, just school, homework and playing. No kids, or careers/ jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends to really disrupt the circle too much.

What inevitably happens though, is we get older and the roads we take in life separate us sometimes. Some move out of state for college, or just to start life elsewhere. Some get married, have kids and settle down, which means their friend group is going to change. A married person with kids definitely tends to connect with other married or parenting type folks. They have more in common and have a better idea of how to offer the support needed during the child raising and marital life situations. So it is understandable that friendships grow and develop on some levels and they shrink or become estranged on other levels. Yet, I am one person who believes that real true friendships withstand all of those things. When it is someone who has shared your life intimately and have become like family, they don’t just get swept out and away. You just don’t forget them or push them out of the routine of your life. That’s what I thought, maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe they dynamics of all friendships change such that when you’re out of sight then you are somewhat out of mind. No matter how much you try to use that phone to keep contact, it just doesn’t work if there is too much distance and so much of life being lived that you just don’t have time.

Over the past couple of years I have come to wonder just how many real friends do I have currently in my life. This question sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks, as both newer, but lengthy friendships seem to have faded away and the long term ones don’t seem as settled and fulfilling. Far more distance and one sided contact than what I ever thought would happen. I’ve asked the friends that I thought I had on numerous occasions to meet up just to catch up. To have dinner or drinks or do something so we can take some time to reconnect, build back the foundation that may have cracks and every time I’m shut down and told no. Reasons that in my mind aren’t valid or justified for just not trying to have some bonding time. I find myself now ever increasingly alone, no one to consistently talk to, hang out with, travel and just enjoy some of life’s moments. Hell even sexually, friends with benefits are harder and harder to come by here in this city. So many preferring to continue to try new and unknown partners, rather than gettin what they know is grade A quality and satisfaction. It’s the desire to have group sex or threesomes all the time. It’s the what can you do for me, friend with benefits. You know we can fuck around as long as you doing more than just giving me sex.

Nothing replaces that feeling of being able to call your best friends or your really close friends and talking about the day. Maybe gossiping about the bullshit at work or what someone said to you. Talking about the same shows you guys watch or planning a trip or outing together. Things that create memories and make lasting moments. If you cherish these types of interactions, nothing makes you feel more angst, sadness and hurt than not being able to have those reliable people there, around and close to go through some of life’s darkest moments. Yes, I can say that I have a couple that fit this mold and I’m so thankful for them. The truth is, the ones that were the closest and that I’ve known the longest, are the ones that aren’t here. They’re the ones that things are so one sided; if I don’t message them or call them, then I’m never going to hear from them until something happens. It hurts when you feel yourself losing a friend. When you know that you’ve done all you can and you’ve tried to talk to them about it and still it goes away. There are days where I really feel as if I have no one. That is a very lonesome feeling, it’s one that makes you question your character and whether people really are for you, when you’re not doing things that immediately benefit them. And it all makes you wonder, you are really my friend.

So many times we hear that you shouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s said in many different iterations and forms, all with the same meaning. But, there is also knowledge passed that you must learn from your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it. These competing messages offer a glimpse into why so many people, in my mind, struggle to reckon with their past wishes and failures. And why, in their present, they have such disappointment. I have to admit that I am guilty of this a little bit and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve experienced too many past blow ups of great dreams that I feel stagnant and disappointed in my present. Or, if it is because the dreams of the past were so strong and positive and genuine; and because of the people who I tried to share those dreams with, it left a void and a lot of heart break and sadness. Either way, when you can begin to identify those things and work to reconcile those issues and feelings, then you can work to turn your present dreams into present and future success.

Sometimes when you start dreaming of the future and planning to have a certain someone be apart of that future, it can take a lot of energy and emotional fuel out of you when that dream blows up in smoke. Especially, if it’s a hard breakup or life altering situations within that end. It can leave you hesitant to draw up the next big personal dream that involves another. It can also make you not want to dream those utopian ideas for you and the next love interest. Often times, I’ve found that it turns people into one of two things. It either makes them very hard and rigid. Preferring to be single and have causal, surface level relationships with people. Just keeping themselves and their bodies bottled up, avoiding the flights of fancy that caused their heart to be broken however many times. The other type of person it spawns is the more loose and carefree person. The one who is far more sexually permissive and explorative. They don’t mind having multiple casual sexual interests, but careful and intentional enough to make sure it doesn’t extend beyond that. They don’t mind making you a permanent friend with benefits, but know that something more serious is highly unlikely.

Me personally, it took years of having my dreams end in nightmares before I just turned into the person who has a lot of sex, makes many friends with benefits, but very few real friends. And in turn, lovers who never really commit themselves to me, just the idea of being with me. Getting all the benefits that I offer. A good heart, giving and great sex, all while plotting their next moves. I’ve tried to be, and have been, in serious relationships the past few years, and all of them wind up ending around the same type of issues. Me not feeling appreciated enough, feeling like my sex is the main attraction, along with my money, too much talk of commitment and not enough action. Never being shown, the way I show them, that they’re important and a priority in my life. So lately, the past six months or so, what has happened is now I’ve just really dismissed the idea of a relationship. I’ve stuck to what I know works best and gets the most attention for me. Having lots of sex, most of the time good to great sex, but sometimes major disappointments there too.

It all revolves around the idea that the past pains from dreams unfulfilled lead to present distractions and resentments, that cause you to not want to lean into those pure and idealistic dreams. Rather, you choose to live in the sarcastic and manipulated real world that we live in. One in which, you have to carefully and wisely decide if, or when, you will use the dreams of your past to hopefully create the happiness of your present. For some you may not understand, or you may disagree, and that too is okay. I’ve learned that people often don’t want accept that the reasons for their actions in the present is directly tied to the results from the past. Most like to think that it is an evolution of sorts that got them to where they are today. That because of what they went thru before they made changes to themselves that lets them behave how they do today. And while I don’t completely disagree with that position, because I do believe there is an element of that in all of us, I am much more of the mindset that if you haven’t fully reconciled those past hurts, you’re really just running from those old thoughts and desires. Letting yourself exist in a shell to protect yourself or as a hoe to shield yourself from is really going on inside of you.

The truth is all that hurt and pain from before creates self doubt. You have issues with your self-esteem, because you aren’t certain that you’re worthy enough to have the things you dream about in the real, woke world that you live in. It fuels your general negative feelings that exist in your mind. We have to face facts that the negative thoughts that we hold sometimes are far easier to tap into than the positive ones. When you take stock of the personal relationships you have built and if you have feelings of being slighted or unappreciated, it can have a tendency to feed the narrative that somehow you aren’t good enough or deserving of those things you think about. It takes a very mentally stable and strong individual to realize that you can’t allow for the absence of another to be associated with you necessarily. If you know that you have only been good to that person and never wronged them, you have to accept that maybe they just aren’t meant to be that close to you in life. And while it does hurt, it is a truth that you have to come to grips with in order to prevent an erosion of your personal wealth.

To be clear this also isn’t just about love relationships either. Sometimes the biggest disappointments and unfulfilled dreams lie within friendships and family relationships as well. These can have a lasting and often times largely damaging effect on someone if they don’t have positive energy. The foundation of a person is usually established at home with your family and loved ones. If those relationships sour and destroy the dreams that you had of what support from family and close friends looks like, then that also is likely to have a grave impact. It is likely to leave you questioning everyone else as you struggle to find the desire and ability to trust strangers, because those you know have caused you so much pain and disappointment along the way. It’s very unfortunate, but it is the way of life that you have to be careful of everyone that you allow to enter your personal space. You have to caution yourself as to how much you allow yourself to dream those sugary dreams, because what lies on the other side of that is disappointment, anger, frustration and pain. How you navigate through all of that will be critical for how your present looks and feels to you.

Maybe the worst things that can happen are for family members and close friends to dramatically cause emotional scars to you. It has a lasting effect that sometimes never goes away. It masks itself and will rear it’s head in your mind and thoughts. Sure to cause to emotional instability and disconnects as you go along your journey. When these things become the norm and the exception, it is time for you to look inward and decide if you are ready to handle those emotional challenges that are preventing you from having true happiness in your life. You can’t be afraid to challenge the people that you hold near and dear to you. It’s the only way that you will break through that cycle of pain. In order to hurt people to stop hurting people, they have address the issues that are bringing them the pain, so they can resolve the hurt, find the peace and stop inflicting pain onto others. Heal the world by healing yourself. If each of us took that time to do some healing, then we really could make this world better than what it has been.

Over and over I think about what a friend is suppose to be. I challenge myself to select friends that I have in my based upon that particular definition. Then, I erase that mindset and just ask a simpler question… Who is there for me when I need them? Who checks on me when I haven’t sent messages in a couple days or so? Who doesn’t wait for their to be a situation or a provoking post, to reach out and check on my well being? Who isn’t switching up, now that I don’t run the streets much or I don’t over extend myself for them? All of these questions, you might say are more complex that asking myself the definition of friend and seeing who fits it. And if you think that way, then you’re missing part of this entire post. Asking myself that question means I’m making it complex. Because, I’m choosing to omit things that maybe I need to consider. So to ask the direct and pointed questions make it easy. It takes away the guessing or the built in reasons, or excuses, that might be provided and simply gets to the root. Who really cares?

Depending on how you think and what your life experience is, you may think that it’s unfair to associate who really cares, with the above mentioned simple questions asked. Because you might be quick to point out that someone may be going through things in life or they may be transitioning to different levels within their personal or professional careers. It may be some kind of difficulty that they’ve experienced and they need to be supported and checked on, rather than doing the supporting and consoling. In some fashion, you may have a point, but the purpose of friendship is to provide that life raft, any point when it is needed, and if you’re always the person that is waiting for someone to reach out to you in order for you to lend your support, well you’re actually part of the problem. Friends are suppose to have a spirit-like connection. They can sense or feel when someone they care for is in distress or discomfort. And if they can’t, once contact is made they can realize that something is off and change the tenor and tone of their communicative efforts.

To me, friends don’t require reminding or primping. They don’t need you to always be the first to call and check in. Maybe, there is a little time between communicating, but it shouldn’t be the regular practice that you go weeks and months without talking with one another. That seems like a long distance friend. Or maybe a friend out of convenience. Or maybe, they’re just a normal friend. Not to be confused with best friend or close friend. I’m not sure which way you really want to try and isolate or separate the friend category, but one thing I think should be clear, is that there should never really be a feeling of a one sided friendship. If that does occur, maybe you need to redefine how close of a friend this person really is to you. Or alter your definition and thinking of a friend. For me, as of late, I have been questioning if my definition of friend is appropriate. Maybe I need to rethink of how a friendship is constituted. It feels like to me, I’m losing all the close friendships that I have. It feels like everyone is just becoming a causal, situational friend. It doesn’t feel like I have a best friend or any close friends at all. It all is starting to feel transactional. Like when their moment calls for it, they are a close friend, but on the large picture scale, I’m just another one of their many “friends”. Nothing special to the friendship, as initially thought, just someone else who can fill the void when needed. To answer to their needs and comforts when called upon.

It’s crazy to me that when I was in my lowest of places. My darkest of corners and despair, there were more of these close friends to be found. Maybe because I was weak and more prone to being taken advantage of for their needs. You know, willing to spend whatever I had so we could hang out and have fun. Or allowing them to use my place as their retreat from life’s challenges. Venting their hurts and pains, their shortcomings and complaints, being a sexual release, in some cases, when they didn’t want the risks of the unknown, but the assurances and guarantees of satisfaction and safety in my possession. It’s so hard when you are and have been so present for people, to not get that treatment in any meaningful way back from them. And yes, I’m that friend who will blunt say, I don’t feel appreciated to any and all friends, so it’s known how I feel. Wait for the usual bull shit answer and regret that I even said anything because it never really changes anything. The truth is, as with all other things, when you are a true friend that someone cares about they will make time to give you time. Whether it’s a little or a lot. No matter daily or weekly, there will be time given to validate those feelings of attachment that you have because of the bond that you’ve built.

It is truly odd to me that someone who doesn’t know me well, or hasn’t had the experiences and bonds with me over time, is more willing and desiring to be in my space than the people who know my quality and character. They’re the ones that can be found that will quickly shoot that empty, baseless Happy Birthday text or post, but have no real substance or meaning behind it. Finding way to avoid being present but at the same time wanting to preserve their “spot” as a true friend. Far too may days I’m alone. Alone in my thoughts and alone in my feelings. Missing the companionship of friends. Wondering why people reduce it down to what you can do for them. Can you deliver great sex? Can you provide refuge from the elements? Can you provide them some kind of assistance, so then they may give you their time. Always a transaction. Always something for something, never something for nothing. Never sacrificing getting something for doing something. Maybe, that’s why now instead of trying to push for time with friends, I just try to make the most of the time with myself. Lonely and as quiet as it may be, I don’t have to worry about any ulterior motives. I don’t have to wonder am I going to be expected to pay for the meal or take us shopping because I want to do something.

Oh how I miss the days of being a kid. When having friendships truly existed. I had real friends then. We did everything together even when the outside world didn’t understand how our friendships came to be and how they manage to be so strong. Before the complexities of life and the worries of image and association became so important. Before it mattered if people cared how you spent your time. And before you became concerned with you being on the high end of the transaction. A friend allows you to take yourself out of the world of Me and firmly place yourself in the word of We. I miss those we days. They were so fun and fulfilling. But, over time, I’ve grown tired of trying to continue to cultivate new genuine friendships, where we willingly sacrifice I for Us. Missing in action.

You know one of the most difficult things to do is to talk about mental health issue, and/or, personal insecurities that you have within yourself. It requires to have a level of vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable with having. Sometimes it takes me time to write some of these more revealing posts because I have to mentally prepare myself for the vulnerability I’m about to show, but I think that the mark of a good to great writer, is being willing to put yourself into your writing. That is, allowing your readers to see and feel you in what you writing. This post, much like the one that posted earlier this week, is tough, because it is forcing me to openly confront certain issues that are deeply personal and issues that I don’t quite have control of. But I think for the sake of my healing and for transparency I want to lay it out here and address it.

The truth of me is that I struggle with depression and I have type two bi-polar disorder. These things combined together produce some very twisted voices in my head. There are days where I’m feeling good and positive about the changes and progress made in life. And in an instant, my mind will think about where I currently am and where I should be and it will cause a regression back to the insecure version of myself that exists. Or, I will think about the sexual addiction I have and while I should be far more concerned with containing it, I’m actively thinking about who I can fuck and when. It’s something that makes me feel some kind of way because my memory also triggers me back to the trauma and devastation that I’ve experienced dealing with my ex. You know when you already have depression and anxiety issues, and you have bi-polar disorder, it can be a very difficult combination. Most people only think about the aggressive and violent end of being bi-polar. But, there is a even more unpredictable and potentially harmful side to this disorder, and that’s the depression that can take over.

Much like the manic episodes that someone can have when they’re angry, when someone who is bipolar goes through their depression stages, they can get very deep and dark. It can make you question everything that you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It can make you feel very worthless and unfulfilled. At times, it can make you feel very isolated and alone. It can sometimes make you feel like the world is looking at you, when the reality is you are feeling the pressures from your own mental breakdown. Having multiple voices operating inside me is a challenge. It pushes the boundaries of how focused I can be. It often makes me do contrasting things or feel contrasting feelings. It’s very hard to understand if you don’t identify with this condition. It has been such a struggle because honestly, when I have these spaced out thoughts and feelings I just don’t know what to do. I be wanting to be alone and by myself, but then I want to hear people that care tell me it’s ok. Then I want someone I care about just hold me because I need to feel reassured. And then the other part of my mind wants to fuck and just be wreckless, and have as much fun as possible. Depression is a real thing within this dynamic and mixing that with a high sexual propensity, and a bad temper and having a bit of an anxiety problem and you get a very sporadic disposition. For me this is where I sit.