love

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Heart Chronicles – Rearview Mirror

You know I have always been a big proponent of not looking back to grab your future partner. I’ve argued for years that it is much harder in reality to be with someone from your past, than it is to start fresh with someone new and unknown. I argue this position for a number of reasons and I will break down why I feel this should almost always be the case. Why there are always exceptions and how to know when something is a chapter closer and not a chapter starter. If you’re not careful, a reunion with a lost flame could prove to be costly or harmful to your progress in the present day.

As has been commonly said, looking behind you doesn’t really do you any real justice. It doesn’t help you to see what’s happening in present day and it doesn’t do a lot to prepare you for what’s to come in the future. Looking back, in my mind, is used to teach us lessons and to help grow us from what we were and used to be into who we are and will ultimately become. It gives you a memory of experience to draw off of should you encounter a similar situation down the line, ensuring that you will be able to use more tools to better handle the situation should it present itself again. It works for reminding you of why you left someone alone, or why something didn’t work in the time period that it did. It serves to be a hallmark of where that past person must climb to just to be considered fairly relevant. But that’s where the problem comes in at. Too many times they reach the old bar, but you’ve graduated to an even higher bar that they must over come, and most people forget that when that past comes roaring back to the forefront.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been having a lot of reunions with my past and I’m really not sure why this season has been presented to me over the past eight months. But, it has definitely served to do some of the work I believe it was intended to do. It also caused some deep wounds and pain that I’ve been working through. Well, add two more people to the list of the returned and one blew up in a ball of fire less than a week after it got going. I’m glad that I have the ability to know what the past is primarily used for. Also, I’m glad that I have an understanding that not everything is black and white. There is a lot of color and gray area where we have to make decisions and be prepared for the consequences of those decisions. This guy from a few years ago, came back around to me again this time and I really thought that this was going to be something worth investing my time into. He was someone that we didn’t end on bad terms, we both just needed so much and neither of us were really ready to give each other what we needed. So we left things alone and life moved on.

Last week we reconnected, and for the most part, it was just like old times. Catching up, revealing feelings hidden and things sought and wanted from the other. So we began to talk heavy discussing whether or not we were going to finish the work we started years ago. I agreed and so did he, that we would attempt to make this work in the improved versions and forms of ourselves, than 3 years ago. Before that opportunity could even be tried out, he pulled the fag move. Got to the city and disappeared. Not talking any longer, not answering phone calls or returning missed calls. It showed me that he was meant to close a chapter. His bluster and bullshit, while sounding good, was nothing more than a time filler. Wasting my time and energy and his, because I guess he was bored. Or maybe he wanted a backup plan, while I was thinking I was primary, because he claimed he was spending his time talking to me. Which, from all accounts has proven to be false, cuz I haven’t seen the bitch since he arrived in town. It reminded me that just like all the others who have returned, these are chapters mostly closing and not new ones being written.

It reminds me that the truth is you only go back for one you believe is the one. A soulmate that you know fits you perfectly. That no matter how many years pass or how much time goes without you two being together as lovers or in each others presence, you still have a bond that is unmatched. It needs time to recalibrate to account for the changes that both of you have made. And then you write a new chapter, aiming to see if this is something that needs to be further developed, or is it a new chapter to close the prior partnership, opening a new friendship while closing the relationship portion of life together. That is a hard thing to decide that you need to do, but it becomes the right choice if it becomes obvious that only one of you is still into it and the other is just living their best life. See, you have to be prepared in great detail for all options to happen with people that you reconnect with. You have to be very careful to protect you energy and time. You don’t want to extend yourself for something that is really dead and trying to be reincarnated into something different.

I really don’t feel that there are any other real reasons to examine a past love for reignition. Don’t buy into the I still want to love you. Or the lets try this again and make it work. Or the you’re stuck with me now. None of that bullshit is true if you don’t see the actions matching those words. Don’t cancel plans that you made or adjust the way that you move until you are sure that the person is serious. That you two are really building towards something special. If this isn’t happening, then you’re just writing final chapters for people. And to be honest, you need that in life. Closure! A word that many say they want but when they’re given the opportunity to take it, they run from it. Because it means letting go and moving on and so many people want to hang on to things. Wanting to use what is familiar and comfortable as a basis for their new happiness. When in reality, it’s when you go outside what you know that you grow the most and usually experience the success as well.

So here is the summation. Don’t let yesterday become today unless yesterday and done all the work to become the present and future. Not just catching up to what was. And don’t let sweet words and matching rhetoric equate to love matching and compatibility, because you never know the reason for the season. Take your time, flush it out and when it’s time, write the final sentence and close that chapter. Move On and be happy.

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Heart Chronicles – Cuffed or Free

The older I get and more time I spend thinking, I feel like it’s the subliminal messages we take from the shit we go through in life that unconsciously trains us for the way we react with people and the way we build and decide on relationships. Check this out and let me help bring you to where my mind rests.

When you get into a relationship you go through the ups and downs, the good and bad. Sometimes things happen where you get a person pregnant and try to have kids, other times you deal with them and shit just makes your relationship grow apart or end. It’s my belief and opinion that if you try to have relationship forever goals and you keep ending up with short term fire, long term pain, or lots of great sex but no real commitment, it shapes what you seek as you get older and makes you more prone to one type of relationship over the other. It almost assures that unless someone comes along to disrupt the pattern of things that happens you will likely shift to being more in favor of what you are experiencing more of. For example, if a person tries throughout life to have the long term relationship goals, but they’re always taken away or not lasing, they will eventually say fuck it and just be single with entanglements along the way. Conversely, if someone winds up establishing a long term love affair. Maybe years, maybe they married. Or maybe they together a long time and just end because they grew in opposite directions you’re likely to want to try again for that long term happiness.

But if you are the person who, you try to have a family with someone and it fails. You heal and then you try again and it fails for a different set of reasons. You go back to the drawing board take time to figure it out then you try again, and it fails again for another set of varying reasons. And you try again, and same result failure with a hard end and you start to think are you really meant to be in a long term relationship. Is a forever love affair in your future. Have you missed your forever partner or have you been selected to just feel lots of short term pleasures. It’s hard not to feel like this when you have so many opportunities in life to have those long lasting moments, only to be denied and always end up with shorter term satisfactions, and long term disappointment. We know that not everyone will be lucky enough to meet their forever in high school or college. Maybe it takes you well into your 30s or 40s before that happens. To that end I ask why did it have to take so long. Why was your divine plan set for you to experience let down after let down until you reached that age of supposed stability?

Take it a step further, if you get peeped for sex a lot more than you do for the relationship end, what does that say about you? Does it mean that you are only giving off that energy or is that the strongest vibe being picked up by other people from you. And you know you think about how that fucks with your mind space. Do you really want to feel that your reputation is only that you have great sex. You’re a nice person and all that, you could be that number 1 on 90 percent of the people that you come across, but the biggest hit seems to be to experience your sexual satisfaction. And don’t let you be good at what you do. You get the hits from, damn we need to just keep fucking to yea it was great and now I want to do shit with you and other people. It’s like one great thing isn’t enough, It’s how do you get maximized without giving you the full prize. And the thing that can unintentionally reinforce one notion or the other is how often you see people you use to link with, settle down now with people that you aren’t as good as you, but you were never given the chance to rise about the amazing fwb you were.

It can be difficult to see yourself as the one, when you’re always over looked or not fully given appreciation until after others have had less than you and they want to try to return. Shit that you know was going to be the case. Or you see that they took less than you and tried to build the mountain, when you were only given a chance to build the hill. Having these things happen, seeing these things in front of you can only cause you question yourself. If you think about all the different scenarios given in this blog, you realize that more often than not, the little messages within a breakup or within a relationship gives you mental guidance or blueprints to understanding why decided to become the person that you did. You know there are many people who have wanted to have forever happiness, that end up with forever entanglements. Largely because they were shaped by what happened to them early on in their relationships. Yes, the old saying great things don’t come without effort. But there is a saying I also like, a beaten person can’t give what he doesn’t have. If you’re constantly swatted away from what you try to attain, maybe isn’t not meant for you to have.

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Heart Chronicles – Men always tell

Bruh, I’m gone keep it all the way real with you right now, if you a man and date men, you know the nigga actions tell you when he’s moved on to someone else. Women same thing to you, you should know when your man got his side chicks or whatever, because his actions towards you will change. I think it’s actually quite comical when people say, Oh I didn’t know he was doing this. He never treated me different, then one day he was gone. Or one day he broke up with me. Those are the bold face lies that you tell yourself because you don’t want to acknowledge that the shit was right in your face and you ignored it. A nigga will show his stripes, unless he was already showing you them and you got caught up. This post is not for you, you are a dumb ass and if you get played that’s your fault. This is for the person that been with a nigga and then things changed and y’all weren’t together anymore and you thought it was sudden, when in reality it happened before you took notice.

If you have ever been in a relationship with someone and you broke up over what seemed to be a steady decline in the relationship, or one day you had an argument, minor one at that, and shit ended right there, I’m here to tell you it was over long before then. The truth about men is that they will always show when they’ve reached their peak, and essential end with you. A man almost always marks his proverbial territory but the energy that they put out on a daily basis. The more that man is giving of himself and time and effort to you, that more you know that they are with you. That have their full attention and that they are committed to you. It is my opinion that the first time you see that energy waver and the same gusto isn’t there, it is at that moment that he has began the process of entertaining other people. In my mind when he first shows the crack that there is unstable energy, that is the moment where y’all need to talk, see where that triggered from and how to go about fixing it. Because the longer that you wait to start realizing the drop in effort, the less likely it is that you can save your relationship.

Let me clear about this, when you are in a relationship with a man who says he is only with and for you, you will always know if the man is not fully interested by how he acts with you. If you are in a relationship with a hoe who is just trying to survive, you lost from the opening gate. See when a man has to share his time in more than one place, there is bound to be an energy drop off at some point. Usually because they get tired of trying to give 110% every day to two different people, if their emotions are in it. That overwhelms him, so he will eventually choose one of the two, and the one who isn’t chosen, if he doesn’t tell you, will know by the small things he does or doesn’t do anymore for or with you. Conversely, if it has been just the two of y’all for a while and then you feel a shift in the energy and effort department, time for concern if that energy isn’t increasing. And I know, some may say well you can’t give that same constant high energy forever, you will get worn out. The level is bound to decrease at some point, it’s just natural. You can’t say that just because the level decreased it automatically means they’re done. And I say to that, yes you can.

One of the common arguments against what I have said being the tried and true fact, is well look at how many people went to therapy to fix their marriage or help to give tools to repair it. Look at how many people stayed together and how many people made it. My comeback would be, it’s because the energy and effort given never decreased, it just changed its composition during the relationship that led to the need for issues. I would say there is a difference between things becoming more negative versus energy just being absent and void. The two can be interchanged, but it would be incorrectly done so because too often the two are linked together. A person can become negative because they lost interest, or because there have been too many arguments, too much nit picking, someone becomes too controlling. Energy and effort becomes lacking and missing when someone is tired of being together, when one doesn’t want it anymore and has moved on to someone else.

Now also to be clear, moving on to someone else could mean they just to be with themselves for a while too, not always being with another man. But, I want to make sure that it’s clear in this example, when the guy starts to give less to you, he is already out the door with someone else. It’s just up to you to figure this out and decide what you’re going to do about the situation. Some people say let the nigga leave. Can’t or won’t try to keep someone who as decided he doesn’t want to be kept. Some say, if you got history and love, try to fix it, maybe it’s something that can be done to boost that energy level again. Wherever you land on that spectrum know that you need to pay attention to your man, he is always going to give clues that he’s not feeling it. If y’all use to do a lot of playful stuff, and joke around a lot and shit like that, and that changes.. he is likely moving on. If y’all usually are very affectionate and touchy, all up under each other when you aren’t working, and that changes, he is likely already gone. If you use to always call each other pet names, and then all of a sudden he starts to use your name more often, he has likely moved on. The obvious one, if the sex level drops for no real reason at all, he has likely moved on.

Pay attention to the mannerisms and movements of your guy. Pay attention to his actions, how he intentionally act towards you, the words he says to you, the way he caresses you. When these things start to change you need to be concerned. Don’t wait until it’s been weeks and months before you address it, because by then it will be too late and they will be gone. Maybe that’s for the best and maybe it’s not. That’s for you and him to decide, more you than him, because his actions show he may already be a foot and some toes out the door. Either way, know this, you must always be present and attentive in your relationship, a failure to do so will lead you to missing signs and opportunities, and probably you will end up single.

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Heart Chronicles – Love Hurts

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like love isn’t meant to hit you the way it has others? You know, you’ve had relatively successful relationships, but for one reason or the other they never seem to make over the last hurdle to long time sustained happiness. Whether it be your young and dumb and trying to live life or you deal with someone who has self esteem issues and they prevent them from fully trusting in you and the foundation that you all built. Only to turn to the opposite race and settle for less, when the world was your oasis with you. Maybe you come across that person who is trying to pick themselves up after a horrible breakup and they aren’t ready for all of you even though they profess that they are. Maybe you come across someone who’s use to doing the break up to make up bit with someone and so they only know how to have toxic relationship practices and they bring them into the relationship with you.

It could also be possible that you deal with a fake and fraud. Someone who is pretending to want long term happiness and relations, only to protect their own interests. You know, maybe they need a place to stay because they really don’t have no where to go, so you become the means to an end. And it could just be that you aren’t ready yourself. You are recovering from bad relationships and hurtful past dealings. Truth is I want to be happy and married and loved on by that man who wants to ride with me just the same as I’m going to ride for him. The problem is, too many niggas want to play games and be tepid about committing because they feel like they’re going to miss something. Seeing people who came along and didn’t appreciate what I brought to the table, or I wasn’t prepared for them, involved with someone else is a bitter sweet pill. On the one hand, I’m truly happy for them and glad they found happiness. On the other, I’m very disappointed, especially if I gave the very best of me, that they didn’t show me the same love and effort they show their current.

Something I don’t understand though, is every single person that I’ve ever been with, except one, has always tried to come back and have something with me after we ended. There is an admission that they haven’t found anyone who loved and appreciated them the way that I did. And while I appreciate them saying it, it pisses me off because why the fuck couldn’t you appreciate me when we were together. Maybe then we would still be together. Quite possibly we could be married, having a family and living the life that we wanted to live. It makes me wonder if I’m doomed to be alone until the end. Sprinkled with intermittent relationships that help to pass time and fill the gaps until it’s time for me to leave this earth. It just seems like this is one thing that always been just a little out of reach for a reason unknown to me. I have never been able to fully understand why I’m never really appreciated but I can tell you that it hurts. Because most times people just want to feel appreciated by those they love, especially inside of a relationship. And then to see them give that effort to someone else does make you kinda question why not you?

This blog doesn’t seek to find a solution because there is no way to know when love is going to find you and who it will be. But sitting here writing this and thinking back, damn man I’ve been fucked over more than I can remember. From being in love with my first and him not having self trust and restraint to believe in us. To my ten years love affair off and one with a man who use to treat me like a king, but he could never fully commit himself to me. There was the light skin pretty boy that I didn’t see coming, who seemed to really enjoy the dynamic we created, only to show that was the means to his end for him. The insecure guy who had all the promise in the world, but was too stuck on the irrelevant shit that caused things to go off the rails. The young twink who was ready to make it us versus the world, but was wayy too arrogant and controlling. The young hustler who was trying to make a name for himself, that I didn’t give the time to finish developing into the finished product. The lying drug head that wound up destroying my life with abuse and lies. The sweet young man who gave me his heart but wasn’t ready for the full commitment.

These represent, to me, the closest relationships that could have ended in the forever. And then there were the few friends with benefits, where the chemistry was there but I guess the timing was just wrong. They were still more about being free to do what they want but wanted that consistently great sex that we had together. All of these things man and not one developed into forever. People saying years later that they wanted to be something serious with me. Only they never showed or admitted to such when we were dealing at the time. So why the fuck would you bring it up right now? Why would you want to bring it up if you have intention of acting on those words? Pulling at the heart strings and emotions, bull shit at it’s best if you ask me. Have you had these types of experiences? Talk to me or your friends about it. Comments always welcome.

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Heart Chronicles – Heart break

If you have ever had your heart broken or you have had any traumatic event happen, you know that sometimes you become stuck in that moment. By that I mean that you’re emotions and mindset can somewhat become “stuck”, needing to be freed from that moment that placed in a emotional state of paralysis. The truth is when those events happen to you it takes something from you. It can rob you of an innocence or a naiveite towards people and/or life. These moments in time have a way of intertwining in your life and making you feel a sense of emptiness or loss. If you have multiples of these types of experiences in a short period of time, it can serve as a mechanism for which you become depressed or emotionally detached. It can cause you to lose track of yourself and lose touch with the currentness of the world because mentally you’re still locked into those moments that life changed for you. Understand that these moments can be of any variety. They can be physical abuse, emotional trauma, mental anguish, and any combination of those things. If you have been through it and overcome that hurdle then you know that what I’m referring to is real .

One of the truths I have to admit about my life is that I’ve experienced so many of these types of moments that I don’t really know if I’m broken, torn, destroyed or on the road to healing. Some days I feel as if I’m coming through the other side of all the traumas I’ve experienced within the past couple years. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of it. Not sure which way to turn, being tossed between feeling good one day and feeling depressed the next. I wonder how is it that I possess so many good qualities according to others, yet I’m unable to keep a partner fully satisfied. I’m unable to prevent my would be baby mother from killing our unborn child. I’m unable to prevent from being physically assaulted and abused. I’m unable to prevent so called friends from completely breaching the friendship and trust that I thought we had. It makes you wonder why and it makes you question yourself.

Then there are the other natural things that you have no control over, but sometimes happen in surprising fashion and it throws you for even more of a tailspin that you expected. Losing your grandmother and protector before you expected or were ready for. Having your cousin shockingly die of heart failure with no warning. Losing one of your favorite aunts without warning either. All of these things happening within the past 16 months and then you add to it losing your unborn twins to miscarriage a little more than a year ago. All of these things combined with the abuse, the mistreatment, the abandonment of long time friends leads you to feeling worthless at times. Makes you feel alone at other times. And to be clear, I have no problem being by myself, I learned how to be ok with that. But, it’s hard being lonely and feeling alone sometimes. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to heal. Yes, sometimes the journey is meant for just you, but even along the way you need cheerleaders and supporters rooting you on, even if from afar.

It can’t be understated just how much massive trauma can cause you to not believe in yourself and to make you feel a sense of pause within yourself. You physically continue and keep doing what must be done because you have to be an adult and take care of yourself and your business, but internally your a mess, destroyed, wishing that you could turn back the clock to take back the emotional blood spilled. Wishing you could reach back and pull the mental train wreck back so you can make the whole you, and not exist in broken pieces for the world to absorb. It can lead to you being very sporadic and all over the place. It can lead you to just wanting to be alone and wallow in your own self pity for a time. Honestly, it can also make you highly sexual, but very sexually irresponsible. Allowing yourself to do things that maybe you shouldn’t do, but wanting to feel that gratification from someone else may just make you want to push the limits you know you shouldn’t cross.

I don’t always pretend to have the answers to solve every problem, especially the ones that I have. What I do try to do is talk and think and write, to express my feelings, emotions and pain and hopefully through expressing and releasing it into the atmosphere it will help to bring about healing and closure. Dealing with the folks, in some way, who played a role in the traumatic events occurring, hoping that we can find closure and with the closing of those chapters finding some peace and allowing myself to be made whole again, to take myself off pause, push play and be as current as I can be. Stay strong, stay encouraged and find your release valve. These things will help to get you through. And above all, find a support system and use it to the fullest extent possible.

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Hard or Soft.. Masculine or Feminine

I’ve written in the past about the dynamic in the gay community where masculinity or femininity is based upon one’s sexual position rather than the personality and appearance given. I want to revisit that because after a recent conversation I feel like, especially in the Black Gay community, this is still a BIG mischaracterization and it shouldn’t still be happening so prevalently. It needs to be understood that just because one is versatile or a bottom, that it doesn’t automatically mean they’re soft or feminine or less masculine that a top or vers top. Let’s get into this conversation point just a little deeper.

When I was talking to this friend, he said that he can’t date someone who is versatile because they aren’t masculine enough. That essentially, because they took dick, they can’t be hard or dominant enough to handle a fully submissive bottom. I challenged that assertion because I was trying to figure out how did he come to that conclusion? I thought that we had gotten a littler further past the point of position determining dominance. His response is typical of what you hear from gays. He said “I don’t know, I just assumed because they taking dick that they can’t be that dominant or masculine.” I laughed at that notion, thinking to myself, damn are we still living in the early 2000’s or early 2010’s? I mean damn what really makes someone think that only taking dick is the definition of being dominant or submissive? Well, I had to remind him that there are many masculine and dominant bottoms that exist. In fact, especially in Atlanta, there are far more manish bottoms that there are manish tops. LOL, if you disagree with this opinion, just ask some gays in this city, they will tell you. You can find a solid top, but there will always be a little more sweet twist to them than you might expect.

And to me that’s normal anyway. I mean as a gay man that’s what makes it so much fun. I can be a dominant or alpha type man and still like to have a big, eccentric personality as well. I can be the one normally controlling the relationship and still like to take dick from time to time if I decide I want to. Or, I can just be with a bottom who loves to please me and be just as satisfied. The complexity of being a gay man should be embraced and accepted, as opposed to trying to over simplify people into a category based on whether or not you take some wood in your hole. I never really understand the need for that this of discussion anyway. LOL, I mean yes I do get it and realize that people find the need to quickly box folks so they can make quick decisions, but I think that takes away from the dynamic of learning and knowing each other. Sometimes the right one for you will be right there, but because you make an baseless assumption, based on one thing instead of knowing them could make you miss out on that right one.

I don’t plan to get too deeply involved in this conversation because I feel that this stereotype is changing, but I just felt the need to come back and readdress this because I’ve heard this a little more often that I thought I would. Like why would you want someone to be just so stock standard to something? I think the different personality traits and dynamics is what makes the art of finding a love match so intriguing, but also so frustrating at times. Love yourself and the skin you’re in, but also be open to accepting that dominance and masculinity comes in different forms and in different packages. Maybe, opening your mind to that will allow for you to find the love that you want. I always say, if you’re only use to looking for the same thing, in the same place, you will continue to get the same failing results.

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Holiday Rollercoaster

This year, as has been said millions of times, is unlike any other. We are dealing with something that we’ve never dealt with before. We are living through times where we have no idea of what will happen during the day we are living in, let alone what the next day will bring. We’re having more people die than what usually die. We’re losing loved ones and able to fully mourn them because of this pandemic. Many of us, airing on the side of caution, are not with our families this year but doing things separately. We are experiencing things that we never thought we would and yet we try to figure out how to handle mourning the loved ones we lost.

This year has been difficult for me on a number of fronts. The least of which is dealing with the loss of two family members. I lost one of my favorite cousins this April and I lost my Aunt just days before Thanksgiving. Unfortunately I was unable to be present for either of their funerals or to grieve with my family because of the restrictions related to Covid-19. There are countless people out there like me. Having people they know and love die and all they can do is mourn from a distance. It’s one of the hardest things to do in this current climate. It makes you hard pressed to find peace, happiness or joy. hard to get in a mindset to have Thankful mind.

For so long the start of the holiday season usually signals the easing of tensions for most. A majority tend to find their better angels and behave accordingly. Often times, people are looking to be more generous and kind, and while all those things are present this year, there is definitely a fatigue and exhaustion from dealing with the effects of this pandemic. People have lost their jobs and haven’t found one to replace it. People have gotten sick and didn’t have money to get appropriate healthcare. People are watching loved ones struggle and continue to struggle with no real end in sight. Hungry and some homeless this holiday season isn’t one that makes it easy to say Give Thanks.

Then you really to remember what being Thankful means. You have to really sit and consider your own life and whether there are things in it that you are grateful for. If you have family that is living that you have a relationship with. If you have children that are in touch with you. If you have friends that you lean on and laugh with. If you have a job or career that you can still go to. If you have your own peace when you walk into your place that you rest your head, then you have reasons to give thanks. If you are able to do everything on and for yourself then you need to give thanks. Those blessings are things that you can’t take for granted either.

It’s hard to do but it’s something that needs to be done. Find that warmth, find that love and find that care and peace. Please remember that we’re all going through challenges and the more we can show the love and be the love that we want to receive. Only then we can try to mourn and recover together. Peace, love and blessings to all.

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Heart Chronicles

Sometimes things will happen in life that make you question did something previously that was intentionally designed to prepare you for the next time, or was it just a real coincidence? I have a hard time really understanding why a situation will happen, only for it to come back around sooner than you expect it to. When you have two of the same situations back to back, your mind goes crazy trying to understand what should you do. Do you allow yourself to give that new person a second chance, or do you take a lesson from the prior situation and distance yourself from them as well?

The truth is I don’t know if there is a singular right answer. I think it all depends on the individuals involved and what caused things to end with that person. Ironically, in this case, the situations are actually almost mirror images of each other. The only difference maybe being the personalities of the two people. Otherwise, both of them are the same type, with the same setup that caused all of this to be unsettling to me. It has caused me to have more pause than a little bit and it makes me think about whether or not I’ve made the right choices. Someone who without a doubt makes me feel good and special. Someone who shows me love beyond what they get out of me. More than just a token nod or bullshit statement out of their mouth.

At the same time, my mind is brandished with how it all tumbled down. How the abandonment was swift and blind-sided. How there was no warning or any discussion of the issues that made him feel that needed to distance himself from me. Same setup as someone different over a year ago. No reason given, no explanation presented, just disappeared for a year and then randomly out the blue, boom, pops back up. Offers his story and apology, pleads against my emotions and feelings that I had buried for him, asking for a second chance. Having conversation for hours to make sure that this was something serious, that it wasn’t going to be another game that would have a random and heart wrenching ending.

As hard as I tried and as much as I was guarded against the possible games to be played, it turned out to be exactly the same almost as the first time. This time after nearly six months of living together and experiencing difficulties together. Learning more of the deeper and more emotional parts of our past, bonding on what I thought was foundational strengthening, but turned out to be time filling bullshit. I can’t really understand why someone would want to do that to someone. Why would you waste time like that? Why would you want to expose parts of your story, that you claim are sacred to you, if all you intended to do was walk out randomly, with no warning, with no explanation, with no answers provided.

As crazy as it sounds, I really did all I could to protect against this outcome. I gave my heart to the relationship, I put my own flair on things, but I also made sure to not just completely lose myself in building a potential forever. I was not going to allow myself to waste my time if I could spot shit before it happens. And yet, I was unable to do it again. I was blind-sided yet again. I was turned away for simply being me, after being told that I was wanted for just simply being me. And here comes another man, different in every way from the first, but with the exact same kind of situation that the first man presented. He came along and was an amazing guy. Pushed me in some ways and I pushed him in other ways. We made a special bond over a 7 month period, only for him to run away, no notice, no reason given.

He stayed away for a year as well, only to return to my life and give the same apologies and regretful diatribe that the first man had given to me. I made a very intentional effort to let him know that I had just went through this exact same scenario a couple months prior and I’m not interested in having this shit happen to me again. The torment and anger that festered within me was deep and burning bright. I was trying to be open to this man, while also knowing he was just like the man I had to say goodbye to without understanding why. And here is where the difficulty and complexity comes into play.

I’ve made a history of telling friends and family that you can’t convict the next person for what the last person did. You can’t hold the next one accountable for what the prior person got away with. You can only learn and grow to not allow it to happen again, but you must give each person a fair chance. However, this seems to be the rare exception to that rule in a couple ways. This case involves someone who previously did the exact same thing as the first man. Nothing at all different about how they did it. The reasonings given by both men are actually damn near the same. Being in bad places mentally and emotionally. Needing to cleanse themselves and clear their minds of the things that they had been through and had going on.

Can you see just how challenging this is for me now. I want to have love and be loved. I want to have someone who wants to be with me for me. Who isn’t afraid to put their love out there to be matched by mines. Making themselves vulnerable enough to be loved and not so scared that they run away when it gets too real I suppose. The heart wants to be loved and it wants to be protected. It wants to feel appreciated and accepted. Dealing with this situation is immensely challenging and I don’t know if I can really go through with this or not. But I’m trying to fight the urge to pull away. I’m trying to allow this love to show me it’s different than the one before.

Anybody been through something like this? Talk back.. post your comments.. lets discuss..

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, love

Heart Chronicles

There comes a point in your love life when your heart just can’t take anymore bullshit and creates the space for a hardened form yourself to exist, which can ruin the chances of you finding your special match that out there waiting for you. It’s difficult to turn away from that when you have had that love you give taken advantage of numerous times. Keep in mind, it doesn’t mean that it happens the same way each time. This is a case where different people inflict different types of hurt that cause you to want to stray away from seeking love and finding happiness with a special someone. Maybe there is solution and maybe the solution is just the one that you present, but either way, let’s see if we can determine how to let the love live without killing you inside in the process.

We all know the addicting and powerful effect that love can have on us as people. Our hearts yearn for that acceptance and togetherness that being in love brings. It allows you to see past flaws of one person to get to the core and heart of them instead. You want to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to allow someone to touch the parts of you that you reserve for someone that you truly feel is worth that experience. You anticipate having someone that you share your inner most thoughts with, someone that knows the deep, dark secrets that you hold so close you will go to your grave with them, be it not for that person you love. All of these things and more you want to experience with just one person, and when the person you think is that one turns out not to be, it just depends on how you find that out as to how much of that burning love flame will die down.

If you have what is considered a normal breakup, you know arguments or just to many differences to work, then you accept that maybe that person was meant to open your mind to certain parts of life, but that ultimately they weren’t that one and you allow yourself to continue on the journey. You take the time to recover from the emotional scars of the relationship and set your sights on being ready for the next one to come along. Not knowing if they will be teaching a lesson, robbing your time and heart, or here for the ride until the end. That is what we all hope to have from the failed relationships, yet more often than not, that’s not what you get though. Now we come across people who have nefarious motives. They want their survival to be so big time that they are willing to lie and abuse the love you give in order to maintain their lifestyle and survival that it tears you down in the process.

You see it is this type of relationship that the path of heart hardening gets sped up like a runaway freight train. Because it exposes you to the toxic nature of users. They know how to talk the bullshit better than most. Always keeping you lured in with the whims of your desires and stories of past pains they’re trying to move beyond themselves. And just how much you’re helping with your open and honest approach with them. While, they’re “recovering” they’re using all your energy, love and maybe even finances to get themselves better. This person is dangerous because they can take you for everything if they play the long game. Or even if they don’t they can leave you feeling raped of all that you work hard to store and give to someone deserving. When it’s all said and done, you have that feeling of despair and you struggle to make sense of the how and why. How did they get over and why would they choose to be users. Maybe their past pain just permeates their mind and as the old saying goes.. Hurt people, hurt people.

It’s a damaging psychological concept, but one that has one hundred percent validity. The cycle of making someone else feel the pain you feel, is as human as the cycle of the hopeless romantic, willing to be open to love at all costs. They come from the natural instincts of people. One a desire to protect yourself and inflict hurt on someone else to free it from yourself. The other, to never give up on the idea of sharing life with someone. Not wanting to be alone all your life. That is where these two mind sets overlap in my opinion. They both want to avoid that feeling of being alone, so you allow yourself to believe in things or behave in such a way that isn’t as healthy as you should be, but it’s attempting to satisfy a means to an end and real logic doesn’t really matter right now.

Yes there are many different levels to being a hopeless romantic and a jilted or scorned lover, this writing is really looking at the more extreme ends of these dynamics. The individuals who because of the hurts and abuses suffered are either so willing to believe in love that they are willing to disregard the norms or guardrails that protect you, or the person that’s been hurt so bad or so many times that they would rather inflict that type of pain on someone else so that they can say it doesn’t reside within them anyone. Usually, the person that they inflict that hurt to is one who doesn’t deserve it. It’s the person that was sent to help them really heal and be better than they are, but they’re blinded and so the cycle doesn’t break it continues.

I sit here so many times wondering why have I been chosen by so many different types of men to be their hurt person. The person that they give their hurt to by hurting me because of their past pains. It’s not something I seek or even can say I allow. I just feel that everyone deserves to be loved and have an opportunity to have someone be in their corner without using them or expecting them to “do something” in return. The price I’ve paid has been steep. I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for in life before. I’ve lost stability and happiness. I’ve lost blood and tears. I’ve lost time and love. Having these situations happen to you, create scars that over time can heal, but also over time can really harden. They make more willing to accept being alone and they start to turn some of that sweet, naïve love into a form of bitter love. Where you will love but with an eye bent towards protection from someone instead of protection by someone.

Sadly these stories are written all throughout history and time. People being jilted by past lovers, rushing too quickly into the next situation and hurting that lover. Or, just thinking that they’ve sufficiently addressed the past pain, only to find out they haven’t and the next lover paying the price for the former. We know the stories and drills so there is no need to pretend it doesn’t exist. For all those, we have all those instances as well of people actually doing the work to heal and not letting the next person pay for the last person. But the point is this, pain causes reactions and emotions that we don’t know until it happens. The deeper the pain the more radical the reactions. The more unexpected the hurt, the more punishing the next hurt will be. Instead of being willing to hurt the next one so you feel better about the last one. Try to sit and make yourself really better, that way the next one might stand the real chance of being the last one. Because they could have been sent to give you everything you need and almost all of what you want.

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Sex Confessions

The truth of the matter is that sex can often be a way of coping, offering a release from the struggles and challenges you face. It allows you to take the tension off. To fuck or be fucked and forget that you’re facing emotional and difficult things. Taking away the pain, however temporary, giving you a rush that makes you feel like you’re normal when you know that you’re not. Sex also soothes a situation sometimes. It can allow for you to take out the tension in your relationship by sexually releasing all that energy so that you can talk with each other and hopefully resolve your issues minus the negative energy. It can also just be for pleasure and fun. To fuck whomever and not worry about feelings or emotions attached because all you really want to do is get that nut and feel that elation. All three of these can be addicting and misleading, while also proving beneficial.

Having sex as a means of coping after a painful breakup or a damaging situation is very tricky. This type of sex is usually very misleading and has the power to be highly addicting. Because you’re getting that euphoric release and, if you’re not just fucking and going you have the ability to form a nice little vibe with people you’re sexing. It’s providing a false dynamic though. Because the vibe is just so you feel comfortable enough to fuck the person that you just met. And depending on how that vibe goes, you could become regular fuck buddies. But be careful, you could also mislead and misread things and end up in another quasi-relationship before you’ve healed from the last heartache. You have to be strong enough to resist that urge to make more out of jus the sex that you’re having.

Conversely, while you both might have an understanding of what purpose the sex serves, the other person might catch your vibe and try to push for more, especially if the sex is good as hell. In a situation like this you may need to be prepared to pull the plug on the situation and find you some new dick or ass, because you don’t want to set yourself up for failure too quick. It is that yearning for feeling the heat and intimacy of another that will lure you into that false sense of fulfilment. The truth of the matter is, usually, once you get that nut you return to the mindset that you had before that urge for sexual satisfaction kicked in, you’re back in that place trying to recover from that pain.

Now in my opinion, the best kind of sex is make up sex. We all have had that experience. After you and your partner have an argument or y’all just been going through a little hard time, as is apt to happen in life, and you get that chance to take out all your aggression and energy in that sex session or sessions. That moment when all that energy and tension is released feels like heaven. It’s like you can feel the weight coming off your shoulders. The atmosphere around you two gets lighter. You have more of a lightness and willingness to discuss things than you did before. It feels good to your body and mind, as well as a little soothing to the soul. But, just like the prior type of sex, you have to be careful with this too. Because you can turn this kind of make up passion into a regular thing and that can cause too much pressure on any relationship.

Yes, it can be fun and more erotic to enjoy aggressively pleasing your partner or being pleased, but it can create an air of uncertainty. After a while, you will tire of always needing to have “fights” in order to have highly passionate and emotional sex. That’s when you have to find the things that make you love that person and do things to make that become the muse for highly erotic and passionate sex with your lover. It’s true nothing will replace that heat of the moment sex to make you feel better, but it’s always going to be a quick fix, but don’t let that become the only fix.

Finally, the easiest of the three sexual expeditions is the meaningless, just for fun sex. This kind of sex is usually for people who are single and have no desire to get into a relationship at that time. They just want to feel the pleasure of another pleasing them or being pleased. You want to get that good nut and then let them go on about their business. We’ve all been there at some point. Be it a long period of time or just during your hoe period. Where you just want to fuck. No strings, no long periods of time together. It no doubt is very thrilling, because you usually are willing to far more experimenting than you would in other situations. You may not mind the random hook up, in open places, as well as traditional ones. You might be willing to have the occasional threesome or even a little group play.

There is nothing wrong with exploring your inner freak. But again, a word of caution here with this type of sex. It can truly be highly addicting. And, if you’re not careful it can be a little harmful to your health. Make sure that you strap up during these times, as you never know what you may come across. But, I know many people who just don’t prefer to use them at all, and if that’s you, just be very careful and selective. Have all the fun you want, just don’t put yourself at risk too much. Just don’t let yourself get trapped in a fwb situation that becomes a relationship, because that friend had sex that too addicting and you didn’t keep perspective.

See all of these types of sex offer different benefits and challenges. You have to be sure that whichever one applies to you, you’re responsible and prepared to handle the different possibilities that may arise. Have fun, have great sex and make some fun memories.