lifestyle

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Remember the First times

A little bit of fun before back to the realness of the world. So I was sitting around just letting my mind wonder and I started thinking back to some of the first times that I did things. This isn’t really about sex or love, though all of those things crossed my mind. I just took a little time to think about what it was like having my firsts. The real ones and the pretend ones. LOL. We all know when we was little kids playing house or whatever you played, we had our first kisses and little grinds on each other. Then you remember your actual first time. Whether it was wanted or not. Whether it was stolen from you or you gave it willingly. Or whether it was brand new or used. Happiness or disappointment.

I remember the first real kiss I had, I was in elementary school and I really wanted to see what it was like. I kissed her and she liked it so she kissed me back. LOL, my first time kissing a man, wow. It was really nerve-wrecking to me. It felt weird but then I really liked it. But because at the time I wasn’t able to be out with it, it was a lowkey thing that I just held inside. Then I think about my first car. It was a surprise to me and one that I was geeked about. It was a brand new 2000 Pontiac Sunfire. It was red with a sunroof and it fit me just perfectly. It was very noticeable and I was always spotted by friends out and about. My mom brought my first car and she showed up to my job as I was getting off in my car. When I figured out it was mines, I couldn’t get the smile off my face.

Then I thought about the first car that I brought. It was a different feeling. It made me feel like a grown up because this was the first major thing I was buying for myself in my own name. Which then I thought about the first relationship that I was in, gay that is. It was really something unexpected. He was two years older than me. He was tall, light skin and so in control and confident. It was a two and a half year love affair, that saw so many ups and downs. Being young and trying to find myself in the gay world and in a relationship was a lot. He understood my insecurities and helped me to grow into being a man. But, it wasn’t as confident as I thought and that led to the end of the deal.

Remembering the first time I had sex is a little bit harder. I did a lot as a young child. I was very curious and my first time having sex with a girl happened when I was around 11 years old. My first time having sex with a guy was around the same age, maybe a little bit younger. It was a lot because at that time puberty hadn’t hit me, so honestly I was pretty much taking his and it hurt, but it was something that I knew that I wanted to continue feeling. Another first that I recall is the first time I tried to get someone pregnant. Wild and so irresponsible, but it was when I was 18 before I went to college. The person I dated, we was hot in the ass and tried to make it happen. It failed and it was probably for the best.

The first time I said I Love You and meant it was definitely something I don’t forget. It was with my first boyfriend and it was something I never thought I would say. But, it was something I was happy that I felt. My first ever car accident was scary as hell. It was something out of a movie. I was taking my partner home and it started to rain, a tractor trailer was coming up the country road and I was going down. Road too narrow, the tractor trailer took up half my lane. I tried to swerve to miss the truck but the slickness of the grass caught my tires and sent my car on a trip. It whipped hard across the street, into the ditch and up and over. It tumbled at least 3 times on the side and landed on the roof. The windows were smashed and I had to crawl out through the driver side window. Thankfully I was not hurt and my seatbelt definitely saved my life.

I remember the first time I was accused of being a criminal. It was here in Atlanta, and it was one of the most traumatizing times in my life. I was swarmed by police from all angles. No less than 7 marked and unmarked units. Guns drawn and police dogs were on the scene. I was scared and didn’t make any movements. I allowed the officers to find my wallet after telling them where it was. It was a call someone made saying a tall dark skin man wearing black and red was breaking into cars. I was a tall, dark man standing at the back of my car eating, talking to a friend. No apology was given, they just disappeared as quickly as they came.

All the other firsts are amazing and weren’t thought of at that time but I can surely think of them. My first apartment, The first time I traveled outside my home state of Virginia. The first time I went to college. My first time getting drunk, first time smoking weed. My first job and other firsts. I dare you to think of some of your firsts. Laugh, cry, all the things inbetween. Just take a little time to reflect and see how things have changed, how you have grown.

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Sexual Therapy

Have you waited a while to have sex with your lover for whatever reason and once you do it you feel this euphoria? You have this ease and peace about you, if they fucked you good, or you fucked them good? What is that about and why is that type of therapy such a necessary thing for the health and happiness of your relationship? I know I touch on this topic on a regular basis and that’s because I feel that it is needed. Being comfortable talking about sex, the different elements and the necessity for it should be something that is done more often.

Now back to the topic at hand. When you haven’t been fully sexually satisfied in a minute, there is nothing like getting some A1 ass, fye dick, wet ass pussy to put your minds at ease. Focusing on this is necessary for a number of reasons, one, if you have questions about the chemistry look no further than the level of sex you have. If it’s basic and usual, maybe you got problems. If it’s good and improving then you just might be on the right track. If it’s great and fulfilling then you got exactly what you need. It makes you feel like the king or queen. It gives you a sense of completion that your partner fucks you or you fuck your partner so good. If you don’t have to tell your mate how to do it, which way to do it because they know your body, how does that make you feel?

If you’ve had the foreplay leading into the sex so your always moist and the dude is already stimulated, just how much better is that sex than if it just seems set up and happens? What does it do to your mental and emotional psyche when you have sex that feels so good. That sex that makes you either hungry as fuck or fall into a slumber for awhile? These feelings that you have are important to the health of your relationship. It can provide a sense of security that you might not otherwise have if you aren’t having sex. Or if when you do have sex it isn’t good. Or if the sex feels rushed, or if one of you feels disconnected in some way.

I don’t pretend to subscribe to the notion that a healthy relationship can survive without a regular sex life. I don’t believe that you’re matched with someone to only experience parts of them. It is fully my belief that relationships are meant to have all elements involved. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. There should be levels of connectedness that make you feel like you and that person are one more times than not. Individual journeys being woven together by life experiences together, by conversations and by the best sex that each of you can provide. Tell me how does one feel that they have you if they don’t really have that deep physical intimacy that needs to be had? You can be as emotionally connected as you want, but if you don’t feel anything when it’s time to get physical, I don’t believe that you will stay together long term.

Sometimes what you really need to feel is the love of that person. To have that man feel your strength. To go through that release of tension, that rush of energy and pleasure is a feeling that nothing can compare to. There is amount of talking or cuddling that will actually replace the physical touching and tangling and mixing of bodies. I challenge you to go home and put it down on your lovers if it’s time. And even if you just recently did that tell me how did you feel when it was done? Did you just want to bask in the moment? If you’re the person that will do this today, I bet when you’re done you will enjoy that person just a little more than you did before.

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Gays of Our Lives

This is a conversation that is near and dear to my soul, I think it’s one that all of us the LGBTQ+ community need to have and understand. Being gay in any way, whether your lesbian, bisexual, transgender or just gay doesn’t mean that you have to conform to any of the norms of society. This will focus more on men than women, but I will address that community as well.

Please understand that being gay doesn’t mean that you aren’t a man. It doesn’t mean that you are any less of a man if you aren’t the most masculine man either. It needs and should be understood that a man is not and will not be defined by how deep your voice it. Nor will it be defined by how muscular you are. It will not be defined by how straight-acting you are or how athletically gifted you are. Being a man is more a definition of what you stand for. What do you do? Are you a man who takes care of your responsibilities? Do you handle yourself with respect? Are you honest with people and do you honor the word that you give? Do you make an honest day’s work out of yourself? These are the things that are the definitions of being a man.

I get so annoyed with people both inside and outside of the community that continuously judge being a man by what you look like or how hard you act. It is a fundamental flaw and it is a stereotype that destroys the fabric the community. We aren’t heterosexual people and we should not be holding each other to those standards. But, all too often we look at each other with the same prejudgment as those who want to discredit our equality with them. Far too many times gay dudes always get caught up in wanting the thug or the trade boy. The DL hard boy or the strict top who’s overly masculine. Don’t mistake me, everyone has a right to like what they like, but damn I know everyone doesn’t want the same thing.

This urge to get the manly nigga just so that you get cred or you catch a break from others because you’re feminine or you’re too scared to live your truth so you need another manish dude in order to hide your true teas better. It’s sad and unfortunate. Truth is in this community there are so many different types of dudes and they all deserve the love and recognition for being a man just like the masculine acting man does. Being a feminine guy doesn’t make you less of a man. It makes you the embodiment of a man. They live in their truth and accept all the things that come with it. Being an in between man, one who is both masculine and feminine is just as much a man too. They accept that they split tendencies are and proud of it. They are definitely a man. Being a butch queen or a bear or a twink or geek or nerd or athlete or any other description of a gay male is just as legitimate for being a man as any other description.

Instead of knocking someone for what they aren’t or who they can’t portray, support each other for who we are. For being adult and man enough to live the truth of ourselves. When we do that, then we don’t have so many men who are afraid to come out the closet. Show them that there is love for them no matter where they land on the gay man spectrum and maybe they will find the strength to face their families and friends who may not be as accepting. To that end, to the heterosexual community, stop trying to make us all be the same. Gay men are unique. We are equal and we are created, just like you, in God’s image. The bible can’t be used as a judgment text. Because all of us are guilty of something in the bible that says we shouldn’t do certain things.

When will people understand that gay people have been around since the beginning of time. We aren’t just people who popped up out the blue. We trace back to the beginning of time. There needs to be a meeting of the minds that acceptance is needed. We don’t have to agree on the merits of whether or not it’s a choice, but we should agree that we’re human and deserve the same respect that is given to you. The same needs to be said for the lesbian community.

Women aren’t just defined by who is more womanlike or who has more of a butch like quality. They should be and are defined by do they carry themselves with the style and grace of a woman? Do they have the compassion and grace and substance of a woman? Do they love and show the empathy of a woman? Just like a man struggles with the acceptance of himself because of the personality and demeanor he carries, a woman has the same issues. She should not be told that she needs to act more like a lady or woman, because she is a ton boy or because she carries herself in a more masculine fashion.

If she chooses to be more butch, more power to her. If she chooses to wear heals and fashioned down to the tea more power to her. Both iterations are women, strong and vibrant and deserve to be admonished as such. Give them their just due and stop trying to position them in a box to fit the label of the hetero world. Women deserve the room to fit on the pendulum wherever they desire and they shouldn’t be pressured to do anything else.

The beauty of being a gay man or woman is just that. We are not the baseline. We are not the norm or the standard. We are beautiful rainbows that can express ourselves any way that we see fit. We can be on one end of the spectrum today and on another tomorrow and all still be within the per view of being a man or woman. Masculine man stand tall, feminine man stand tall, butch queen stand tall, in between man stand tall, fem queen stand tall, bears, stud stand tall, fem stand tall, stem stand tall. All of these types and any that were missed stand tall together. We are the gays and proud of it. We should be celebrated for who we are and what we are. Love and peace to us all.

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Foreplay All Day

One of the best things you can do to get and keep your romance sparked is to have a healthy dose of foreplay. Nothing gets the mood right like doing things to turn each other on and keep things fresh. If you know anything about what it does, foreplay sets the tone for how things go. It is a sort of mind fucking that stimulates the body. No matter if the sex happens the same day or the next, when you allow yourself to be turned on and teased by your lover it only makes things better.

I think that foreplay, when done right and engaged by both parties, makes the relationship keep a sense of the unexpected. It has a way of making the day better when you least expect it to be. It can also be the thing that turns a good sex session into an amazing sex session. There has to be some understanding though about how far to take it. Make sure you know the level of freak that your partner has. Have a full understanding of what they deem to be acceptable to them. Nothing can ruin a mood more than having a lover who is super freaky and kinky and one who is… more basic or traditional. This can lead to awkward sexual foreplay, which can then lead to disappointing or uninspiring sex.

Also, be open minded when you choose to have foreplay with your lover. Don’t be afraid to show some skin, or if you’re together, get naked and lay up together. More than that, use your mouth, tongue, lips and hands on each other. Let that lead into the more intense moments of sex that happen between you two. Maybe just leave it at swapping head on each other. Let that take you over into the next day. Then do something else and something after that. Let the tension and heat build until you can’t take anymore and then let it all out. Explore and enjoy all the elements and levels of sex. Fuck until you have nothing left and let that aura and vibe engulf you and your lover. Bask in the afterglow of amazing sex, inspired by great foreplay.

People, you must understand that sometimes great sex is all about what’s done leading up to the sex, as much as it is the sex. Often times if you’ve been with someone for a while, just getting right to fucking may solve the primary itch, but the foreplay keeps it spicy. It can also reinvigorate your love life it it’s gone a little sour and stale. It can also keep your sex life from getting to that point, if you’re willing to be eventful and take a few fun risks. Explore the depths of your sexuality together. Nothing brings people closer than trying new things together. Can you imagine having oral sex in your vehicle in broad daylight? Playing around with each other in the park. Just think about the rush that would give and how much fun it would be.

As I’ve sat here and written this blog, I’ve given you reasons why you should allow yourself to be adventurous and have a robust foreplay life with your partner. I’ve also given you reasons why it works and why it might not. Hopefully your mind is open and hopefully your partner has a freak streak in them too. If so, experiment and explore. Love and let love. Foreplay all day

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Gay Isn’t Traditional

So, the title is meant to encompass the entire community. The LGBTQ+, but that isn’t as catchy as just the simple opening title. Now, lets get into what I mean by this and how it applies to the daily shits of life. Many relationships in the community seems to have a basis in the traditional male and female relationship. There has to be a masculine, dominant one and a submissive more feminine one. Now, most times that is going to come to pass because people are typically split as type A or Alpha people and the type B or submissive people. The natural dynamics of human interaction says that the outgoing person tends to date a more low key type person. The alpha tends to want a submissive type and fill in the blanks in between.

Why is this important? Because too many people assume that the looks of a guy determine what he is in his relationship. That’s usually the funniest and most inaccurate thing that you can judge from. Now yes, there are some guys that will openly show you who they are. But it doesn’t always mean that it follows that script all the time. For example if a feminine dressed or personality type is out in public, most people also assume that he is a bottom and submissive in his relationship. While that sometimes is true, there are more times than not, that it’s not the entire truth. Sometimes he’s the more dominant one and the bottom or the submissive one and the top and sometimes they do both and want both.

Furthermore, when it comes to getting married, there is this assumption that things go traditionally and the engagement as well. Most tend to follow this, but those that are current and present, realize that it isn’t necessary to follow a heterosexual script, because we’re gay not traditional. I’ve long since said that I am not a traditional guy. I don’t intend to have a typical wedding where only one person is being walked down the aisle. Also, I don’t want an engagement where only one of us gets to have that special moment. I think we each deserve to be proposed to and say yes to this engagement. I wish more in the community stopped thinking like we’re the same as straight couples. We have the same rights yes, but we also have the right to make our own dynamics.

One thing that I’ve appreciated so much about my current boyfriend, is that we have embraced the idea of being nontraditional. We agree that each should get their special proposal. We agree that we both should be walked down the aisle by our person of choice. While we do have some dynamics that are similar to hetero couples, such as the masculated and feminated dynamics with regards to character traits, but there can be a blend at times. We have many moments where we both exhibit feminine traits and masculine traits. It’s truly the part of this relationship that makes things unpredictable. Because for us, we both have big personalities. We embrace the fact that there is no ultra male or female here. We know what roles we typically tend to portray and we love who we are.

Being gay is awesome in my opinion. While we are still struggling for acceptance and we struggle as men to be fully accepted, for us it’s amazing. We can write our own rules. We don’t have to play by the norms for society just because someone wants to put us in a box. We have the right to determine what is normal for us and have no problem braking the molds that are predetermined. I hope that many of you out there that are in this community understand this concept. Embrace your difference, love your individualism and reject the urge to be boxed into a group or painted with a broad brush. Gay is not traditional. Gay is not a relic. It is very much so contemporary and progressive and growing. Think of yourself as a blank canvas and paint whatever portrait you want the world and those around you to see.

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Heart Chronicles

So today I come back with another situation for the heart. Think about this… What happens when you’re heart gives you mixed feelings because you get uncertain vibes from the one you love? You know I think to be honest when you’re use to having certain types of dealings with people when you get someone new that’s different it can take adjusting to. I mean when you’re heart and more so your mind is use to having certain physical actions being tied to love when it changes you get a little uncertain. There has to be a usually feeling of displacement while you figure out what other things you need to feel in order to appease the discomfort of the heart.

This is not restricted to just physical interaction. You can substitute anything there that you are use to feeling or experiencing, that changes and you wonder if that new love is the right love. I think you have to look at it a little differently. If the love of the past had worked or was correct, don’t you think you would still be with that person? I believe that you must challenge yourself sometimes when you start thinking of these things. You have to realize that you really wanted something different, which is why you ended your dealings with the last person and sought a new person. Again, lets face the facts about it. When you keep trying to get the same type of person or the same characteristics of a relationship, aren’t you being a bit insane? Some practical application of the word insane is doing the same thing and excepting a different outcome.

I write about these things because I know that I’m not the only person who has these feelings or thoughts about the emotions and dealings of the heart. I challenge you to sit and really think about it for yourself. Look at the failed relationships that you’ve had. Are you currently dating or seeking someone who is similar to who you’ve dated? Are you in the middle of the same characteristics of a past relationship? If you are, why do you think that you will have better success dating the same thing and doing the same thing over and over again? Try if you dare, to step outside the box. Do what you have never done. Feel uncomfortable and then allow yourself to go through the process of learning yourself again, but also learning new things about you and falling in love with yourself again first. Then fall in love with your partner next.

Maybe just maybe that’s the answer. Let me know what you think.

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Integrity Matters

If you know me, then you know that one thing that I stand for more than anything else is having integrity for yourself. That statement is one that should apply universally to all things and in all things that you do. Having integrity means that you should always uphold your word once you give it. It means that you should be proactive to handle matters in life and not reactive, when possible. I find it utterly amazing how many people love to talk the talk of realness and integrity, only to fall way short of those words when the actions are called for. Another thing about integrity is you can’t verbally claim it, it’s something that you must demonstrate, always and without fail.

I dare you to apply this to your life and to the people that you know, and see of the people you have kept around you, how they fit within this dynamic. Think of the folks that you have been or are in relationships with. Was integrity, or lack there of, a role in the downfall or success of the relationship. I think more now than ever, in the times we live in and with the state of the nation, people should want to be filled with as much integrity as possible. They should want to show that they are as legit and forward as can be. I will never be one to say that we will miss this mark at some point in time, because we’re all human, but the overwhelming practice should be to show this trait as often as possible.

I am one of those people who believes that when the difficult conversations and topics come to the table, that’s when you should show your integrity the most. It’s the time when you need to be the most thorough and legit as you can. Why, because just think, if you have someone who isn’t willing to be straight up or they switch up when the shit gets dicey, is that someone that you really want in the foxhole with you should things get hard in life? Do you want to have someone is only a fair weather partner? You know, someone who is great to be around when things are breezy and smooth, but flakey when things get tough? I really believe that more relationships fail due in some part to this trait lacking in its existence.

I really feel strongly about the need to talk openly and forwardly from the beginning. I think that when you show yourself to be the same no matter good days or bad, it gives a confidence, a reassurance of the stability that you can count on from someone. It also allows you to be seen as reliable and dependable. I can’t tell you how important this becomes to a relationship when times get tough or just when people try to throw trash into your space to disrupt what you’re trying to build. To be honest, your integrity is for your partner as much as it’s for yourself. What it gives them is trust in you and your word. And if that isn’t one of the most important, if not the most important thing then I don’t know what is.

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A letter to the heart

Sometimes in life you have to take a moment to be honest and real with yourself. You have to take some time to speak to your heart from your heart. I that sounds crazy or you ask how the hell can you both from your heart and to your heart. Well, I think that speaking from the heart means your speaking genuinely and without hesitation. That you’re being as honest and open as you can with yourself. Speaking to your heart means that you’re really talking to yourself. Giving yourself the honest opinion and advice as you see it from your eyes, think it from your mind, and feel it from your body. In a way it’s a sort of validation or contradiction of things felt by yourself. You give clarity, as best you can, to things that you feel.

It is imperative, in my view, that you have this kind of honest discussion with yourself on a regular basis. It is needed if you to have a full and grounded approach to life. It’s necessary for you to be able to be considerate of yourself and others. It’s a way for you to have the necessary control of yourself and emotions/feelings that’s required. Honestly, for me this is usually one of the toughest assignments that I give to myself. Sometimes, because I have so many different feelings and thoughts that I’m not sure which to really give energy and voice to and which to just ignore and let go because they really need to be let go. It is also because I have often times struggled with handing the deep emotional parts of life that are brought forward.

I also struggle with this when it comes to dealing with people because I have no real ability to know the thoughts and feelings of someone else, other than what they tell me. When trying to have appropriate rationale of someone else if you don’t really have their full, honest and open disposition you will always be wrong. You must be comfortable with making decisions that are hard even when you aren’t sure. You have to trust and rely on the knowledge built up and the feel you have amassed for people and situations to get you through this time. You can never really allow yourself to let your heart have full control a matter unless you are ready for anything that may come of it. Being vulnerable enough to let your heart be exposed is something that can lead to tremendous heartache, but it also lead to amazing reward.

The heart is something that you can never take for granted. You don’t get another one once it’s been broken beyond repair. You are always changed every time you give yourself to someone and they break your heart. You are always different with each emotional let down and disappointment. I think the fair thing to do is assess how you feel on a weekly and monthly basis. Allow yourself room to adjust as things affect you in different ways. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you need to move past some things in order to make room for other things. Make sure you have a full understanding of the dynamics surrounding you. It is very important that you have a real life understanding of what’s going on and not simply going off the discomfort you may be feeling. Take time to breathe and allow the peace and quiet to help analyze things for yourself. Make sure you’re being fair to both parties involved.

It is an extremely scary situation once your heart is involved because you that you can’t easily pull it back. You know that once you involve all the emotions and feelings that are associated with a vulnerable heart, you will allow for mistakes to be made that need to happen in order to grow. It doesn’t mean your allowing your red lines to be crossed nor does it mean you should allow for yourself to be taken advantage of or have a feeling of being less than. It means you know that you’re going to have to deal with imbalance and inequality here and there. It means that you’re going to have to be mindful to determine whether or not the relationship is mutually beneficial as it should be. It means that you will have to be open to the possibility of things ending suddenly. It means you will have to be open to the possibility of things changing and adapting to that change.

It can also mean that you experience a level of happiness and pleasure that you’ve never felt before. It means that you have to willing to accept that pure and unconditional love can be given to you and you have to accept it. It means that you have to be willing to allow your partner to have control sometimes, in order to allow for you to feel the comfort of their protection as well. In order for you to have all the things that your heart desires and you have dreamed of, you will have to relinquish full control. You must allow for someone to love you deeply in their own way. For them to show you they love and care you for you in a way that feels comfortable for them, but is reassuring for you too. Passion and intimacy and love are things that come with time and feeling and comfort.

These are things that can’t really be defined with time. They aren’t equally or universally shown the same way. It requires a finesse of the heart. It requires you to take yourself out of the equation of satisfaction and put your partner first and allow them to satisfy you. It means telling your partner what makes you feel good and how you like to be treated, so that they can figure out how to do it in their way to you so that you feel the love. And so that you know the love is real and legitimate from them. I know that all of this seems so complicated and at times frustrating. But that is part of what love is. That is part of what leading with your heart means. It takes the thoughts from the mind filter them through your heart. There is a real solid chance that it will lead to varying degrees of happiness and sadness. You may feel disappointed and surprised. All of these things are normal and should be allowed to happen.

The goal is that with time and communication and practice, it will become normal to feel the good. Abnormal to feel the pain or disappointment and regular for the love and romance and passion to be on display. These things happening means that the love is real. That the heart is being exercised and the feelings are freely flowing. Good, bad, great, disappointment. All these words will be used at one time or another. Accept them all, embrace them all. Learn from the unhappy words, bask in the positive ones and hopefully a life full of memories and love will follow.

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To forgive don’t mean forget

This is an aged old discussion and advice that’s been given from generation to generation, but I keep hearing it come back and I’m not sure why people continue to equate the two. When someone tells you that for your sanity or your betterment you need to forgive someone, they aren’t saying that you need to forget what that person did to you as well. And, conversely if you are told to forget something, it’s saying that it needs to be forgiven either. It might just mean in order to move to the next stage of a situation you need to forget something that was done so you can focus on the healing or whatever it is that you’re trying to get through.

Lets really revisit this forgiving part. I really think it bears further discussion and understanding why you might be told to forgive someone for something that has been done. To actually forgive the person is a means for you to allow yourself to move on from a hurtful or negative action that was done against you. It has to be understood that when you allow yourself to forgive someone, you are actually taking power and control back from that person. Forgiveness says that you will no longer dwell on the situation. It says that you are allowing yourself to excuse you for allowing or permitting that person to hurt or wrong you in the first place. That in itself is where the power and control lies.

It’s my feeling that when you hold that grudge or hostility towards someone for something that they did to you, in reality what you are doing is giving them a measure of control against you. As long as that venom and disdain is allowed to fester inside you that person will be able to alter your emotional and likely mental state with their presence or words that are spoken to you. Lots of times, it impacts the personal aspects of your life. It can impact your relationship, if you’re in one, because it can allow that past person to impact your present situation. I think that’s the reason that most times when asked for advice from someone who is freshly out of a relationship, the first thing I suggest they do is take time to forgive themselves and the person who hurt them, if the relationship ended because of betrayal or hurt.

It becomes a sticking point for people when they either don’t want to, or know how to properly forgive and let go of their past. It keeps them somewhat bound to that past situation and person. It can and usually does how you interact with the current person and it usually prevents that person from being able to really get close to you and have the full understanding of you as an individual because the past is staining the present and future. Again, though it bears repeating and mentioning again, if you are ever told to forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to forget what they did. This is more important if you are still going to be with that person and you don’t want to lose them. You need to pay even more attention to that statement. It doesn’t mean that you disregard your feelings or ignore what was done to make you feel that way. It means you allow for change and growth to happen.

How many times have you told someone that you want to get over something they did to you, and you say you forgave them, but you didn’t really let it go? What it means to forgive is it means you let the situation pass. You move forward and look to rebuild whatever bond was damaged as a result. It means that you have to allow yourself to put the issue to the back of your mind so that it isn’t a focus. You should remember that it happened, but allow it to have a seat in the rear, only to be looked at if things don’t improve, not as a constant sword held to the other persons throat. Nor should it be your crutch that you use to enable your anger or hurt to linger. Once you’ve had time to process the hurt, have your allowed feelings and emotions, once you’re ready to move on forgive. Forgive, not forget and move on. It will be necessary. A clean break is just that, if you’re moving past something you need a clean break or else it will only make things worse. So if you want someone, forgive the deed, forgive the person, forgive yourself and remember what it felt like. That way you don’t keep going thru it over and over.

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Companionship.. You Got It?

Another one of the more overlooked and underappreciated elements within a relationship is the companionship piece. That seems to be something that people often lump together with sex, but in reality it’s its own dynamic. To have someone be your companion to me, is like having that person who sees things similarly to you. They have a personality that meshes with yours. They love being in your presence as much as you do. You can have easy and open talks. You love just hanging around and interacting with each other. You like being cuddled up and laid up together. There is an aura of bliss that seems to permeate the air when you are together bonding. These are things that bring the companionship part out of your relationship.

It generally has nothing to do with the physical acts and elements of the relationship. It can however, be a catalyst to passionate, deeply intimate sex when it happens. Don’t believe me, just try it out. Allow the day to just flow to you instead of forcing it upon you. Let the relationship have the air to breathe and the energy to thrive. If you have a true companion, you guys can have dinner together and just talk about the bullshit of the day or talk about things that you don’t know about the other. Growing closer and bonding, all while just being the others companion. Watch movies together, go take a walk in the park. Do the little things that make you want to be around each other all the time.

Can you see yourself being quarantined with the person. In the current climate that we’re living in, if you’re being safe and protecting yourself, then you and that person may be seeing a lot of each other or none of each other. If you know that you can’t be without that person, it’s very reasonable to assume that not only are they your lover, but they’re also your companion. A companion is needed in my mind for your relationship to be really successful. Many folks love their partner, but don’t always enjoy being with their partners. They love the sex they provide, they love the stability or security they provide, but not really the companionship they offer. I wonder why that is for some. Is it because you don’t have a lot in common? Is it because you have taken the time to develop that bond? Is it because you just have that strong a desire for the dynamic or do you just use your friends to fulfil that part for you? Whatever it is, I think the relationship is done a disservice if you don’t include that part.

Now, back to my previous point. If you want to know how the companionship part can make your sex life even better, try having a date night. Try just laying around with just the two of you, talking having fun, playing with each other. Then just let the night come to you. See how intimate and special it feels. Try softly kissing and touching on your partner and see how their body feels and reacts to you. I’m sure that the night will take a different feel and subsequently your sex as a whole will have more connection that you think. What do you think?