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Life Chronicles – Morehouse Man

Damn it y’all I fuckin’ did it!!! It’s been 17 years in the making, but I am officially a Morehouse Man. Back in May 2002, when I wrote my acceptance letter to Morehouse College, informing them of my intention to enroll and accepting the offer letter they sent me, I just knew that in 4 years I would graduate with a degree from one of the best college institutions in America, and the best HBCU in the land. I never expected that life would.. well life, and it would take me 17 years to complete the journey I started all those years ago.

The feeling that I felt when I realized that the journey was complete was surreal. It was on Wednesday night, around 8:30 pm, after my Marketing Management class was over. The final project for the class was complete and I knew at that moment it was done. That was the only thing that could’ve kept me from passing the course, so I had to focus and make sure that I not only finished the assignment, but that I put my A effort because I had a goal to accomplish. Knowing that I had done so after I submitted the assignment, all the emotions hit me at one time. I cried my eyes out for about 40 minutes. A Black man in America graduating college, those odds are steep. Fuck what you hear about equality. A Black man is more likely to get shot in the streets or to be locked up in jail than he is to graduate from college. Not only am I graduating from college, but it’s also one of the best colleges in America. The dream realized, a journey complete, a promise kept, a goal completed.

The emotions came from so many different places. Realizing that my journey to this point was anything but smooth. Leaving school, re-enrolling and finding out that things changed so you can’t go back without satisfying a balance that you didn’t have the money to pay. Make another attempt at returning, only to have your mother switch up on the plan y’all made together, ruined and facing the prospects of never graduating from the place you yearned for. Also, maybe not being a graduate at all. Some may say why do you even care? A college degree has been devalued in this country for a few years now. The most successful and wealthiest people do not have a degree. They don’t have that debt burdening them down. Those points are true, but for me, it was something I always wanted and aspired to accomplish. It’s challenging for Black people to earn a college degree. The failed everything that happened along the way and to finally be at the top of this mountain.

This moment was supposed to be shared in the physical presence of my gramz. She was my biggest supporter all the time. She always believed in anything I did and would always remind me that I needed to finish school. I promised her for years that I would. I never told her how my moms fucked that up in 2010 with her selfish decision. I kept my head down, hoping for the opening to go back and finish. That door opened in 2021 and I jumped at the chance. With the Morehouse Online program being launched, the opportunity was being presented and I was going to do what it took to finish. First thing was to pay off the debt still owed to the school. It still blows my mind that a damn college would hold a financial debt on it “college books” instead of sending it to collections like most businesses do when you owe a balance. Given that it had been 15 years I just knew I didn’t have to pay that $1100 back. Wrong! They made sure that they got their money.

For the better part of the last 17 years I had been living a life of a lie. Everyone in my professional world, and most in my personal life assumed that I graduated from college. Primarily because I spent 3 plus years in school. I withdrew early in the Spring semester of 2006. I was burned out, tired, and my personal life was really fucking with me. I needed a break and had come up with a plan to take a year away, re-enroll in Spring 2007 and complete my degree. Well, you know even the best plan is just that, a plan. Life did what it does, and that plan got all fucked up, so I had to adjust and pivot. Still operating under the guise of being a graduate in Corporate America. In some ways, that fear of being found out paralyzed me more than I even realized. My light shined so brightly for me at a young age in the corporate world. But not having my degree completed was always in the back of my mind. I wondered if I applied for positions that were truly a stretch would I be found out because the company would do a thorough background check and see that I was a dropout, not a graduate.

I danced around with the idea of going to another school to finish, but I knew the hassles of that. Trying to find another HBCU that would accept the majority of my credits, so I didn’t start over as a Sophomore was going to be difficult, plus, I didn’t want to finish anywhere else. I wanted to finish at Morehouse. Despite struggling with desires to change schools for a different scenery and environment during the years I was on campus, and a personal life that almost saw me attempt to transfer to Howard or Hampton to be closer to my then lover. I just felt that deep down, this school was the place that would prepare me best for the world that I was going to live in. And in truth, Morehouse did a tremendous job of that in just 3 years. These final years spent finishing have opened my eyes to new things, new understandings about myself and my heritage, and made me an even more dynamic person. Dreams do come true, you have to do the work though.

Here I find myself today, reflecting on the LONG journey that has gotten me to this point. I hope that my gramz is looking down smiling at me. Talking about me to my family that she’s with up in heaven. Proud of her grandson for finishing the journey I started. Proud that I kept the promise that I made to her. I miss you so much and my heart fills with emotion when I think about you and hearing your voice in my head. I know that if you were here, the family would be tired of you. LOL. I know that you wouldn’t stop talking about this moment. This weekend will be a celebration of me and I will be thinking about you. I cry tears of joy and tears of hurt when I think about this accomplishment and you not physically being here to celebrate in it. Know that I strive to make you proud and I know I don’t always achieve that goal, but more often than not I aim to accomplish it.

Being able to not live a lie and to confidently and boldly walk in my truth of being a graduate is so freeing. I feel like the rest of the goals and ambitions I had I can complete without fear of looking over my shoulder. Because I sealed this deal. Look me up and you will find my name with Morehouse College part of my educational background and a degree in Business Administration: Management under it. Walk in your truth and doors will be opened. As many that were opened before, when I was walking in half-truths, more will be open now that I walk in full truth. To God be the glory! My momma is preparing to slide down to Atlanta, and she is bringing some of the fam with her. Friends and my chosen family are going to be in attendance too. What a time to be alive. No time to stop though, I have and will pause to reflect, appreciate, enjoy, and celebrate this momentous achievement. Then on to pushing hard to make more goals reality, more dreams into possibilities and more opportunities to the table.

For now I’m truly allowing all of this to sink in. I gotta say it again: I am a fuckin Morehouse Man! Graduate C/O 2023. Thank you and I’m done.

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I am Whoever I Say I am

One of the most challenging things about actively living with dueling personalities is that they clash so frequently that finding a happy balance is increasingly difficult to accomplish. I struggle on a, damn near, everyday basis to meet the required need of both people that control the space in my brain. Someone might read this opening and ‘What the fuck did he just say?” And someone else might read it and go “that sounds just like me.” Wherever you fit on that spectrum know that there are more people like me than unlike me, they just might be unaware of it.

Ironically enough I have no idea when these two people split and became fully independent people living within my body. I’m not sure who came first, but I do who is most dominant. Yet, I’m not really sure of the actions of which person sometimes because it’s like there are moments when they’re moving on one accord, with one mind and purpose. Then, there are times where I know these two motha fuckers are battling it out to determine who will have the final say of the day. I’m never one to make a scene of what’s going on in my mind and in my body. I prefer to quietly manage these two individuals and hope to force a balance of what they want. There was a time where I was successful in this approach. I was able to fully integrate the needs and wants of both people into a day, or a week, or a month. Now, it doesn’t work at all and I feel like sometimes I lose the fight and it scares me because I fear that one is sabotaging the other, which in the end will fuck me over and destroy all I’m working to rebuild again, from a failed attempt to appease one person more than the other.

The funny thing about me and the people that reside in my head is that they attract vastly different people when they’re in control of things. One version of me attracts the quiet, shy, reserved guy. If you met him in the streets, he’s going to steal the show because his light shines bright from the background. He’s loyal, humble and respectful. That type of guy appeals to me in so many ways. It fits the balance that needs to be had because I tend to be very eccentric and outgoing. I don’t mind walking into any room, anywhere, and owning that bitch. So, to have someone on my side who doesn’t need or want that shine on that level is a bonus. On the other side, the other person attracts the same type of personality as me. The guy is outgoing and loud in his own right. His light shines bright, and he tends to be a little more ratchet than what is comfortable for me, but I appreciate it because it shows me my abilities and my limits with people. It allows me to demonstrate my true dominant nature, because to have influence in that situation, my dominance must be consistent.

Aside from the vast difference in guys I attract when each one is in control, my actions, emotions, needs, wants, and desires shift also. One version of me is satisfied with a under the radar life. I’m not being checked for regularly. People aren’t trying to find out what I’m doing, who I’m doing it with, and where I’m doing it at. Conversely, the other man in my brain wants to live life! Have more, be more, do more. The odd thing is that I feel comfortable in both settings. When the more extroverted person is out, I can pretty comfortably ride in that space as well. More eyes become fixed on me and there are more conversations had about me, and what I’m doing. The difficult part is getting the calm, introverted person to go along with the extroverted person, that’s where all the issues begin. To slow down or to speed up, and when to do each one leads to so many interesting conversations in my head, and probably some missed opportunities along the way.

One factor that impacted the rate of growth in my life was the lack of completion of my college degree. Admitting this today is not difficult, but it comes with a little trepidation. When I chose to leave school back in February of 2006, I thought it was the wise chose given the state of my life. I needed a break and taking a semester off would be good for me. I could handle the obstacles in my life, then refocus and finish my degree the following school year. The plan was off to a great start. Then life happened and derailed everything. For the better part of the last 17 years, I continued to live the life I never finished. I was pretending to be a college graduate because I only had 1 semester to finish. In my mind, I pretty much learned everything that I was going to need to say I was a college graduate. Yet, I wasn’t and there was still more that I needed to learn from an Academic, and preparedness standpoint that would have greatly benefitted me. But, after things fell apart a second time, I felt I couldn’t wait any longer and moved forward living the persona, because I had already started to build the foundation with it, to strip it away would’ve been disastrous.

I secretly lived with that fear for all these years. Knowing that at any moment if someone wanted to do a check to verify me, if a business wanted to make sure they knew who they were hiring, all they had to do was a search and they would find out that I didn’t graduate college like I said on my resume. I was a fraud. I was pretending that I had my shit all together when the reality was, I was riding half-assed out here. Trying my hardest to be seen but not shine too bright, because at any moment my trump card could be pulled, and I wouldn’t be able to defend any of it. That is until two years ago. I took the step to go back and finish what I started all those years ago. Back to the place I began, to close that chapter the right way. Some may ask why didn’t you just go back at any point and finish? Because I wanted to finish where I started, in my mind nowhere else was sufficient for me. Morehouse College, despite all its flaws and shortcomings, is a special place that carries special meaning. The name speaks volumes in many circles, despite what others may think.

This was the dream and the vision that needed to be completed. To become a Morehouse Man was the goal I made in May 2002, when I wrote my acceptance letter to Morehouse College. Every day after that day I was striving to accomplish that goal. Living life, especially in the professional world, without my degree was tough, but I did it for 17 years. No one in my professional life knows now or knew before now that I didn’t have my degree. I climbed the latter to a point and then I would get stuck. Part of it was being in my head, not wanting to get outed and embarrassed. Part of it was not having the full training needed to grasp the opportunities and thrive with them successfully. It exacerbated the split in my personalities I believe. The introvert was content to take the modest gains and live that life. The extrovert wanted more and felt that why should those few missing hours and courses hold me back. Let’s find a way, through mentors and just hard work, to obtain the skills and knowledge needed to be an exceptional corporate professional. That way no one would want to question my background, because my work speaks for itself, and the assumption of a polished educational background would be a given.

Fast forward to the now, the fake life living is over. As of Friday, May 12, 2023, I am officially a college graduate!!! I am graduating this Sunday from the only undergraduate institution that I felt suited me. I am finally a Morehouse Man! When I cross that stage to accept my degree, what a sweet, beautiful moment that will be. Maybe that will help to make the two people work to become whole. Still needing their space to run free and control my brain, but in a more controlled and complimentary way. I guess time will tell. I also know that writing this blog just released sooo much tension and fear. Thank you for reading and hopefully this helps someone else out there.

Until next time y’all. I’m signing off this post.

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Life Chronicles – Community Failure

It continues to amaze me just how outdated and selfish the Black community can be at times. As a strong, black man I’ve watched as so many of us seem to make the same types of mistakes that can be corrected by community help, but it rarely seems to occur. Learning lessons from the past and passing that knowledge on to the future is critical element of community growth that lacks in our community far too often. While there are efforts to ensure that young up and comers have this knowledge, far too often it’s substituted for street knowledge and culture, that while critical for understanding of history of self, is not as relevant as knowing the tools needed for a successful life. And there aren’t enough corners where the messages of how to survive and thrive are being embraced and passed down either.

I was watching a recent Facebook story where someone was gloating about how much they love their young nieces and nephews because they were all in the living room dancing and rapping lyrics to trashy rap songs. Why would you be proud of kids who aren’t even able to fully understand basic life but can flaunt and behave in gutter, street like behavior. Wearing their clothes like they street thugs instead of being presentable. Please tell me what fuckin lesson is being learned by this behavior? Some people may say, aww it’s harmless and innocent they’re just young. And there belies the stupidity and ignorance of the community. Where do you think lessons and impressions and personality is built in us. When we are young is when we are the most impressionable and spongelike. Knowing your culture and the history of where you come from is fine but be proud of them because they can correctly recite their alphabets, spell their names, do basic mathematics and reading comprehension.

A community that doesn’t invest enough in its young is a community that will suffer. Our community is so fractured from past pains, scars and divisions that today’s leaders are being put behind an 8-ball before they can get out the gates. I appreciate those who do the work to ensure that the next generation has more than the current. That is the way it’s supposed to be. Learn lessons and pass them forward. Teach those who don’t know what you do know so they can carry the baton once your time is up. Not learn what you know, make yourself successful then sit on it and let that wisdom die with you. Imprint on kids the importance of knowledge and understanding. Allow them to seek and obtain credible, healthy knowledge from those who will protect and grow them. Expose them to the ugly truths of life, while also giving them the talent and mental acuity necessary to combat these nasty realities.

What typically happens is procrastination and self-preservation over progression and evolution. How many parents really take time to explain life fundamentals to their children once they start to reach an age of understanding? Where do you see parents showing kids how to handle money and discussing the importance of credit, negotiation, budgeting and balance? It’s not enough to just let the teachers teach them these lessons. The reinforcement should come from home, and if not home then the community. Sowing back into the community could be financial, if you are blessed to do so, it can also be with your time and energy. It’s free to give back to the community. Organize free workshops for financial literacy. Provide free life counseling on managing money, expectations and influence. Talk about your struggles and successes with folks and do it with love and honesty and humility. Things that cost you nothing and can help generations of people.

I was watching Jennifer Lewis in a recent interview, and she said we have to start with love. I would amend that slightly to say we need to lead with love. When you do things from the kindness of your heart because it makes you feel good, and because you want to enrich someone else, it lands with the intended punch. When we as a community can love each other despite the skin tone, wealth gap, and education gap we are better as a collective. It disappoints me to see so many of us in conflict with each other because of the foolish and outlandish divides. We don’t collaborate enough, and we fail to do sufficient outreach. We are so strong minded in our belief of things we won’t accept views and perspectives that are healthy and natural alternatives. Stand on your beliefs always yet be open to receiving another view that has just as much logical reality as yours. More than one thing can be true at a time, and we keep missing that point.

African communities throughout history had been known for fierce loyalty and tribalism to be sure, but they were also known for community and providing for the whole and less fortunate as well. There was always the desire for growth, success and advancement, yet there was also the need to remember from where you came and promote the village not just yourself. In Black culture we’ve been so fixated on “equality” that we lose sight of the community and the ties that bind. We are so short sighted on financial stability, that lose track of the emotional, mental stability that is also needed. Don’t just teach financial literacy, teach mental, emotional, spiritual literacy. Teach how to manage relationships and how to build them. Display the ability to find common ground amongst differences. Community helps to provide that sense of belonging and acceptance. It promotes healthy, strong bonds. We need to embrace all of these things and once we do, maybe we can heal and truly reach the promise that King, Malcolm and others talked about.

Love and respect

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Heart Chronicles – The Evolution of Self

Being mistreated, talked about, abused and ashamed can have a lasting effect on you as a person. It affects your mental health, your emotional well-being, and your physical fitness. So many times, when you struggle with your self-esteem it doesn’t take too much to throw you off. Whether it be family, or friends, lovers or just fuck buddies, and even the occasional opp that just wants to see you doing bad, the words, and actions of others can impact how you feel and see yourself. Gathering that understanding that you are who you are, and that you are grade A quality is something that’s either instilled in your early on, or you learn it for yourself through time, trials, and bullshit that happens. For me, it was the combination of it all that helped me get to the point of today.

The honest truth about me is that I’ve struggled with my self-confidence for years. Regardless of how many times I’ve been told I’m attractive, or my body looks good, I am much more easily rattled by the insults, or the putdowns than I am reassured by the compliments. The actions of people mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing me have left scars and damage that is still being healed. I didn’t receive enough support and reassurance earlier in my youth and young adulthood to properly know how to disregard and ignore the fuck people. I think, more than anything, the fact it came from those who were supposed to be my biggest support, lovers, family and even close friends, it stings a lot more. It hovers over you even longer, because you didn’t that the friendly fire would come.

As time passes and I’ve truly had time to learn myself more, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone anymore. Yes, I get nerves and have thoughts creep into my mind about my qualifications for things in my life, be it personal or professional. Most times, I reassure myself that I am that guy. The more I feel reassured within myself, and no lie, the more those I care about give my flowers, the more I evolve into that man I know that I’ve always been. It’s taken a lot of tears and dark days to get to this point. I used to think that in order to be seen as legit and A1, you had to have it all together. Job, car, place, money, looks. As I’ve evolved in life, having a combination of those things are more than enough. The truth is that when you start with you and you grinding on your come up, everything else is always magnified in your favor. You can simply do nothing at all, and it will be enough because what you’re currently doing is plenty. Catch that if you understand.

The crazy thing is even in my evolution I still feel the nerves and have the shreds of doubt linger in my mind. I still question myself at times, wondering if I’m really good enough for some of the interactions I have and for some of the accomplishments that I achieve. I at times struggle accepting my flowers, because I fear the other shoe dropping, but I’ll talk in conversation about how it’s the other shoe that drops, it’s just reality and the challenges that comes along. Yet, I listen to others as we talk, and I marvel at how resolute they are within themselves. I’m amazed at how grounded they are in themselves, how the belief in who they are, and their character overpowers the negativity and critiques that come at them. Younger, older, same age grouping, that determined belief in themselves is something that I still yearn too fully master. Not on the part-time basis that I do now, but on a full-time level that I see others on. I am believer though, that when you surround yourself with that kind of company, if you are in tune with energy and the vibes, it can’t help but to rub off on you.

My story of evolution is one that I’m sure is familiar to many. You go through things, you learn shit, you fail, you succeed and all the while you’re building yourself. Believing in yourself will always start with you, but truly it begins with those who nurture you and start to instill those things inside you. Someone recently told me; they don’t care what anyone says about them that’s negative. They know who they are and what they are, and that’s all that matters. As long as they know the truth. It doesn’t hurt that physically they fit what almost anyone looks for in a guy, personality wise, they have the ideal mix of outgoing and fun, and reserved and quiet. Hearing that they like the way I move, made me smile, offered reassurance of the changes I’ve gone thru and yet, I was more satisfied with myself because the compliment came from me doing nothing at all, just being who I am, which is more than enough.

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Heart Chronicles – Alone and Not Afraid

One of the many things I tell anyone who gets into conversation about living life, gay or straight, mostly gay though, is that you can’t be afraid to be alone. Whether anyone believes it or not, being alone is usually one of the largest reasons people remain in unhealthy, toxic relationships. They aren’t comfortable having to live life by themselves, theoretically. The truth of the matter is most people feel they need to have someone sharing their life, and space, in order to have a complete and full life. I don’t completely disagree with that sentiment, but I’m not fully in favor of it either. I believe there is and can be a happy medium between having your own space and sharing it with someone you love.

Far too often individuals choose to remain a couple with someone they know they’ve fallen out of love with because they don’t really know how to live or lead a life that doesn’t involve someone being there to support them and aid them in all things. Be it financial support, most common, emotional or mental support, that lack of someone there makes people scared and feel as though they must keep a man or woman around, even if they don’t have all of their best intentions for them. I’ve seen it paralyze people to the extent that they reject opportunities for betterment and prosperity in life all because they don’t want to be without, fill in the blank. I’ve yet to understand why that dynamic is so strong and prevalent, but it is and most times what’s forgotten is that if you have a strong circle of friends, or family, you aren’t alone anyway. No, you may not have someone living with you, but your journey is still being shared with people who love and care for you.

Why I feel that once a person understands how to live alone, they are better equipped to be with someone is simple. When you live alone, you have to learn how to live with yourself. You learn your traits, your patterns, your habits. You understand your likes and dislikes, which will make you better at identifying people you could see yourself sharing your space with, be it on a permanent basis or regular/frequent basis. It allows you to discover these things without sacrificing the relationship that you’re in. I believe that when you don’t know how to be with yourself, it impacts your ability to be with someone else. Ultimately, you’re learning yourself while learning and living with someone else at the same time. While this is definitely possible, it usually winds being detrimental because as you learn yourself you change, and what you like and want changes. If you have to learn another person at the same time, it could be that the two of you are changing separately. Be alone and learn you, then introduce someone to your space and see how they fit into your world and you in theirs. Then you can make adjustments and compromises on the things that you feel aren’t critical to who you are.

The truth is for me, I hate being alone when I come home. I’ve done for a long time, and I’ve also been in relationships where me and my partner lived together. That joy and sense of fulfilment when I had that was intoxicating. It was something that I knew I wanted and didn’t want to be without. Sometimes it came at great personal hurt for myself, because at times I had chosen the wrong person to build that life with. When I was younger, I would struggle to end those types of relationships because I hadn’t learned how to be comfortable with being by myself. My mom was always in a relationship, be it married to my father, or being divorced and in relationship with someone else. Right after I came out, my first boyfriend wound up being the first person I lived with. It came less than three months of being together. For two years all I knew was him and building a life together. I was growing and evolving, and so was he. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. The crazy part is for the first 5 years that I was dating, I lived with my partner for 4 of those years. Talk about not learning to live by yourself. It showed itself too. Even in dating, I would want the person to stay the night and be under me, because that’s what I used to and hadn’t learned how to be by myself.

The reality is once I learned that it’s truly ok to be by yourself and I accepted that challenge, I grew even more as a person. I evolved into the human that I feel fits who I am, and it’s allowed me to discover how to remove people quickly who aren’t good for me, to accept that things have a shelf life, and I can’t hold onto it past the expiration date, and that moving on my time is perfectly sufficient. My challenge to everyone is to find that space with being comfortable being by yourself. Learn yourself. Learn your mind, body, emotions, preferences, likes, dislikes and all those things you need to know to make yourself the best version of yourself. It can be painful and lonely at times, but close family and friends that you trust will always be there to occupy that space until you’re ready to let the man or woman in that you want to try and build something with.

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Heart Chronicles – Today’s Yesterday

I am constantly reminded that my yesterday must have been really dynamic and special. It never seems to take too long before those tasted the drug that is me find some way to return. Whether it’s the random pop up text, or the phone call out of the blue, or it’s the hey long time lets catch up. No matter what happens, there are those who just can’t seem to get enough of their fix. While on one hand I can appreciate that appetite and desire to feel that feeling, on the other hand, I have to wonder just why do they keep returning? What is really the driving force behind trying to recapture the magic that was lost.

Over the past week or so, I’ve been smacked with numerous reminders of my past and the people who have occupied time and space in it. From the fucked up ex, to the constant runner that could never fully commit. It’s been an interesting time in my world. Mixed in with the old, has obviously been the new. And what I’m realizing is that there is a reason why I say I keep the past buried. Within the past three days alone, I’ve had two people who really had a significant pull on me, back then, resurface and it didn’t go as they might have expected. In my mind today, I am not that same sweet, forgiving man that I was years ago. Life has hardened me, blackened my heart a bit, and made me far more skeptical of people than optimistic in them. It was nice having my old on again, off again flame back around for a bit. Ironically though, it was due to his return that I realized his time had truly expired in my life.

The first time he popped up, last month, it was a surprise and his question was an even bigger surprise on the surface, thinking about it now it makes perfect sense for how things kind of line up currently. No apology for the bullshit that caused the last rift that kept us from speaking for almost a year, no his question was would I be willing to fuck again. For me it wasn’t even much that I needed to think about, regardless of how I felt about his actions, his mental and emotional bullshit, the nigga had a dick that would make you melt and yo hole cream. Of course I said yes. It’s been almost a decade since I last felt all that meat and I just knew the stroke was better than it was then. I figured that the 31 year old version of him was far better. Right and wrong, the dick was good, but the stroke… ehhh left much to be desired. Couldn’t keep his dick hard after about 10 minutes and never busted a nut, though he claimed he had been close when we fucked that night before.

All par for the course if you ask me. The problem with him always centered around the truth and his allergy to being honest about shit. Our whole beginning started from a lie he told. The twisting plot that was the next 15 years revolved around his lies and bullshit. It was the moments of truth and openness that captured my heart and he seemed to know this, and throughout time, played on those strings to keep me at his fingertips. That was until 3 years ago, when I reached my breaking point with him. Tired of the lies, the hidden stories and niggas, all of it. The rose glasses were destroyed and along with it was any chance of a real Romeo and Juliet type romance. When he came back this time, it was different and I could feel it. There wasn’t talk of dating and romance, just fucking ohhhh and catching up. It was predictable what he did. He talked to me about his past, and confirmed the lie he told that last time we talked. He tried to say he wasn’t gay anymore. That he was living in North Carolina and going thru this rebirth of sorts. That he had given his life to God and he wasn’t focused on, or thinking about a relationship or men.

The biggest bunch of bullshit I had ever heard him spew from his lips. And it all turned out to be one BIG ass lie. How the fuck you gone lie like that and put it On God. Like really, how fucked up in your head do you have to be? How committed are you to holding on to someone that you’re willing to lie about your relationship, your life and your journey, just to hold on to someone. Too bad for him I didn’t believe none of the shit and I unloaded all the years of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and disappointment on him. The end result being the end of whatever type of relationship we had. Then August happened and we reconnected and had a good sex session, but I could tell my feelings about him were different. Instead of wanting him to stay past the overnight visit, like it was in the past, I was ready for his ass to go home. He hit me up this week to inquire about linking again. I told him we could and Friday afternoon he asked what I was doing that night. I told him nothing, he asked to fuck, I said when and he went zero dark 30 for four hours. At around 130am he hits me to say now, but I was already doing my thing and never responded til the next day.

When I responded to him and told him it’s his fault because he waited 4 hours to respond the mood changed and he began to spew more dumb ass lies that made no sense. Apparently, he’s been lying to lots of niggas out here because we’re all giving him the same responses to the lies he tries to tell. He finally realized his hold was gone and now we have no communication again. I think he would be wise to let, at least, a year pass before he opened his mouth to me again. If ever at all. The lies, disrespect and manipulative actions are dead and so is his time in my life. Reality hurts and I’m sure for him it smacked in his face, his crutch has been kicked out and away. Now he’s charming so I’m sure he will find another unsuspecting, gullible nigga to take him in and let him live with them and build a fake ass relationship, built on lies, deceit and bullshit. Sad as fuck man, a guy with so much potential, caught in his web of lies and deceitfulness. A waste of a genuine heart, due to a twisted soul and fucked up mind.

Guy number two, well he’s different in every way possible. A true sweet guy, a bottom with a fat ass, a larger than life personality and thickness that people love. The problem with him though is he’s a runner. He has been and still is afraid of commitment. For over 10 years we’ve done a delicate dance of on again, off again. After he moved away, it was always going to be difficult for us to be together because long distance has long stopped being my thing and inconsistency gets you removed from me these days. The patience I had has long since gone, and I felt it when he decided he was ready to pop up again. Pride weekend always seems to conjure up the ghosts of the past. Being with him last night wasn’t like it was in the past. I didn’t feel the romantic embers burn, there wasn’t a special moment that made me want him back. It was all circumspect. I realized that I was talking to someone who does the same dance, asks the same questions, plays the same songs and I was tired of it and him.

Sometimes, you have to let the past surface, if only to finally put it to bed. You have to see why you left it alone, and let it go away. Sure, there are exceptions to that, but most times you wind up seeing why you let it go in the first place. It doesn’t serve you in your now, and it won’t serve you in your future. If the past isn’t able to rise to the level of the present and show signs that it’s ready for the new future that your life arched towards, leave it where it belongs. In the mirror and down the road. He was never one to do anything bad to me. He never showed me dishonesty or deceit, he just has a commitment issue and that I can’t get past. I want better, deserve better and will not allow less to be my new best. While it was fun to catch up and remember the good times of days past, I felt myself empty with the whole experience. Glad in some ways he was here, so I could see that it was done and closure was within reach, and disappointed that I even allowed him to be here.

The past will always be active in one way or the other. It truly is about how you manage it and what you do with it that will determine how impactful it is in the present day and future days to come. Love yourself enough to let it go, listen to the feelings that you feel when the interactions come and pivot away from it when the time is right. Accountability, compassion, love, honesty, loyalty. These words are things that are the fabric of relationship building for me, no matter the type of relationship. Interactions with people have made these words harder to employ to all, but I’m trying. The past gets held to this standard and if they can’t be accountable for their actions, compassionate about how they treat you, love you genuinely, be honest about themselves and their lives, and be loyal to you in whatever capacity they hold, let asses go.

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Heart Chronicles – Thoughts from the Soul

Sometimes in life you have to be alone with your thoughts, your mind, your heart and you have to find your way to understand what life has given to you. Often times I’ve sat and thought to myself why am I going through the things that I am and have? When I’m alone with my thoughts and feelings, I struggle to make sense of it all. Trying to get the understanding of why am I so often chosen to experience things more than I’m ready to handle? Is this really part of life, that you have to go through so many difficult times and situations, and often times alone? The variance of those you call family and the ones who show themselves to be your friends, is often times hard to comprehend as well. Life happens and paths diverge, and you see who was meant to travel on the next part of your journey with you.

See, one of things I’m struggling with at this time is why does it seem like no one wants me. I know that I don’t have it all. I’m not the wealthiest or most connected. I know that I’m no Adonis or the most gifted or talented individual, but I know that I am more than enough. I understand that I’m a damn good catch. I’m a sexy, chocolate, tall, fit, Black man. I’m highly intelligent and can mix and mingle in any environment, at any time. I work my ass off, have always taken care of home, made sure mines don’t know no lack, yet the shit still seems not to be enough. And don’t play yourself, I can fuck with the best of em. No matter if it’s slangin’ dick or being stuffed, I always make sure home is satisfied. I have a personality that is inviting, fun and a whole fuck vibe, but again people seem to only want to use that for their advantage. Yet, I see niggas that are out here doggin’ niggas and still got them on they nuts.

Even beyond the personal, professionally life isn’t where I thought it would be, and that’s mostly due to me. Because while I know that my ex really fucked up my set up, I decided to be with him, so I own part the of the responsibility as well. It’s a difficult thing not to wonder if you’re dooming yourself or if life just continues to offer situations where you don’t always make the right choices, and you have to start over again and again. Mixing in that with a suck ass personal life at times and it’s enough to make you question yourself more than once. Lies get told to you so you will let your guard down, only to be used to take from you and not give back. How many times should someone allow for these things to happen before they push back, enough being enough. Hearing enough times that it’s nothing wrong with you but niggas keep flaking, enough times that happens and it becomes about you mentally and emotionally. Top notch ass, fire dick, all around sex game lit, dynamic personality, smart ass brain and still the results circle around the same.

More than you know I want to hear I love you; I appreciate you, I’m proud of you, I support you. I want the right one for the moment, be it a minute, a month or eternity, to hold me and just make me feel the physical support I mentally need to hear. I don’t just want to share the intimate nature of holding and being held, by another man with just anyone. I know to some they may not understand, but for me sex has devolved into something that I know how to separate feelings from just sex, and I still feel this strong urge to fuck or get fuck. LOL, but being intimate, passionate and so wrapped up in someone is something that I miss and want to share with just one. Yet, it seems the one I want to share it with never seems to want to share it back. And I don’t dwell on it or wait for them to show, I move forward and live life as it comes. Hoping and yearning for that feeling sooner than later.

Even the greatest warrior needed help along the way. And there are times where I feel like it’s been forgotten that I’m not superhuman. I’m not above the need to be loved on and feel the love and appreciation of those who matter to me. Another day passes, another day spent alone, without someone to really enjoy it with. Without my best of friends and my closest of confidants to do something with. I believe it’s all for a purpose and the journey I’m taking will be for the better, but damn I would love to have an amen corner right now.

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Heart Chronicles – Survival Is a Bitch

So many people don’t really understand that it means to have to survive being Black. More than that, being Black and gay, or Black and trans. Now this is not to minimize the plight of White people, because there are groups of Whites who struggle as well, but this is America and Black survival is so complex and stressful that adding the additional complexity of being gay makes it ten-fold more difficult. Most people don’t realize that once most Black men or women come out to their families they are disowned in many ways. Sometimes mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, grandparents disown them, leaving them to fight for survival on their own. Often times at ages that most of us are not really prepared to be out here on our own in this world, and you wonder why there are so many gay and trans men and women who are having sex for money. Often times it becomes an early means of survival that can become addicting if you have the right look, a big dick or a fat ass.

The truth of the matter is that we do what we have to do in order to survive because you never know who you can really trust. You don’t know who will help you because they have a genuine good spirit, versus someone who helps you because they now have power in some rights over you, they can get something out of you because they helped you. And if you’re thinking that I’m being negative or pessimistic, live in this community and you will understand that it happens more often than not. That’s a part of what causes so much distrust among the gay community. So many niggas prey on vulnerable and unexperienced gay, lesbian and trans people to the point that everyone looks sideways at each other, until proven otherwise.

I know that life and while I’m not proud of the things that I had to do, I did them in order to survive. I’ve slept with guys so I could have a roof over my head to sleep under, because I was living out of my car for a period of time. I’ve slept with men for money in order to get things that I needed. I entertained the idea of having a sugar daddy, but I could never bring myself to do it because, I didn’t want to feel like I was owned by someone else. There were many times I slept with a guy and had a fuckuationship because I needed to secure a safe place to sleep. And I’ve this same story so many times from other people I’ve talked to. I had one friend tell me that he was put out of his momma’s house when he was 18 because the man she married didn’t approve his lifestyle. Do you understand what that does mentally and emotionally to us? To tell your child you have to get out of my house because some basic ass man said they can’t accept who you are. You put a man over your own blood.

And to those parents who put their kids out of their house because of the bible, you deserve to have your ass whipped. Please read in the bible to me where it says that you should disown your child because of their sexual orientation? So, you force a child, who is not ready for the world, to have to figure out how to survive with no preparation. And we wonder why so gay LGBTQ+ people struggle with mental health and acceptance and love. You wonder why we do anything we need to so we can survive. It is directly linked to the fact that once critical members of our family turned their backs on us, we had to do whatever necessary to survive until we could establish a more “traditional” way to handling life’s challenges. So, before you judge that gay person who keeps fucking for money or whatever they do, understand that the root cause of that, most times not all, is that they were forced to figure out their survival at an age that they weren’t prepared for it. Or life hit them in a way that they had no resources to pull from, so they used what they did have, their body, to make a living.

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Heart Chronicles – Unnecessary Lying

What I cannot understand for the life of me is why niggas spend so much time lying about what you want, what you looking for, and what your intentions are. It’s not really a difficult concept to understand, but it seems like people would rather lie, waste peoples time and create unnecessary mental and emotional uncertainty, all because you won’t be real with what you want. The simple solution to this is for people to be honest with themselves first, which should allow them to be honest with the people they talk to after that. If you find trouble being real, then at the very least just keep things on a low stress level situation. If you know you not ready for something real, keep it at a friend level or a fuck friend level, if you wanna know what you getting before you commit. Another thing you could do, if you’re not comfortable doing that, just stop blowing bullshit and then disappearing after. Be the man that you are and just let it be known the whole situation.

All of these options to me present opportunity for situations to end without burning a bridge that you may want to revisit one day. One life lesson I learned is that you never know when someone from your past may come back to be present in your future. And in those cases, often times you find yourself wanting to revisit things because maybe you’re in a better place with life, but you forgot how you wronged them in the past and so you don’t get that chance in the future. The main thing is, and maybe some really don’t care, you never know who could be meant for you, but you spend too much time trying to be slick or have it all your way and you lose something that could be special. Even bigger than that common respect says you should at least be upfront with someone that’s not just a fuck. One thing I respect someone for is the ability to be honest and say they just wanna fuck, nothing more and nothing less. That establishes the dynamic from the jump, leaving no room for false pretense.

Part of the reason lies are unnecessary is because you never know if the person you’re lying to feels the same way you do. In creating situations where you lie or just flat out disappear without giving any reason for what’s going on, you rob the person of knowing why you left and again create unnecessary mental pauses within the mind of someone. One of the biggest lies I hear all the time when someone wants to tell me why they’re single is because they were mistreated, abused, misused, unappreciated and fill in the blank with every negative that you can think of. Meanwhile, in your dealings with that person they’re showing you all the traits that they claim someone gave to them. And isn’t that part of the problem with lies. When you’re the one that is displaying the actions that you claim were given to you, it creates this schism that you were the one who fucked up, but you had to blame it on the others because they’re not present to refute what you said. Again, unnecessary lies, wasting time.

When you sit and spend weeks having conversation and building and bond, then you erase yourself as quickly as you showed up, it makes everything you said in those weeks feel like a lie. Because the truth is if you were true to the things you said about yourself prior, you wouldn’t have removed yourself randomly and sneakily without expressing why. I am a big believer that you should be willing to face someone when you decide you want to walk away from something that isn’t just a physical connection. The same way that you take the time and energy to start engaging with someone, is the same way you should be eager to face them and explain why you are walking away. If it’s because you’re not ready say so, if it’s because you found a better connection with someone else say so, if it’s because you got overwhelmed say so. Whatever the reason be willing to say it, because then you make someone have a feeling that they’re not worth the truth.

The worst is when you have someone speaking out both sides of their necks because the outside influences have infiltrated inside their mind. When you make a decision that you want to deal with someone, it’s not about what anyone outside y’all relationship that should be impacting what you do, it should be the two people. But, when lies are involved, you see why people keep their business to themselves. The lies can go both ways, and I’m very well aware of that, but again I believe that when you confront someone with the truth you have a much easier ability to remove yourself quickly when the truth gets exposed in the light. I don’t understand why people claim to want something, but then run the lies that waste time. If you want a person then embrace it, stop running or looking for other people give you dirt to allow you to run to your insecurities.

Lies hurt and then impact of the lies can hurt even more. Just be real with yourself at all times, and therefore, you will be real with others as well. Stop the cycle of hurt, by not contributing to someone else’s pain.

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Heart Chronicles – One Sided relationships hurt

I honestly can’t explain why I feel like this all the time, but with so many friendships, relationships, situationships, people love to wait for me to do everything and then bitch or complain when I put some responsibility on them. Who the fuck really thinks that any real relationship is healthy if you don’t have consistent, equal communication? I will understand why people want to deal with folks, but you don’t want to be responsible for playing your part in the relationship. I do not accept the excuses of living a busy life, because believe me, my life isn’t just a piece of cake, but I know how to make time for the friends and important people in my life. It’s really not a hard thing to do, if you ask me. It’s something that if you really care for someone, you will make sure you make the effort necessary to let them know you care.

I’m also going to honestly say that the shit hurts too. It feels like I’m living in a time period that I don’t fit in when it comes to talking and communicating. Most people want to just do their own thing and come and go out of people’s lives whenever they feel it’s convenient for them, when in reality, the truth is it’s a fuck ass way out of having to be a real and responsible friend or lover. It makes me feel very unappreciated and that’s such an awful feeling to have. For me, I feel like if I chose to be part of your life, I owe it to you to make sure we have regular conversations. That doesn’t mean that we gotta talk every day or every other day for that much, but it does mean that we should be talking regularly enough that I’m not wondering why the fuck do I have your number in the first place.

These feelings take on even more significance when you’re a best friend or lover and the only time I can talk to you is if I text or call you first. Again, understanding that if you have kids your time is limited. If you take care of family or you have a career that demands your time, you may not be able to have routine conversation, but again that should not prevent you from communicating. I will never understand someone who says they want you, but you don’t have time to talk regularly if I’m not initiating the conversations. How can you want someone, but you can’t make time for them? Talking and making time for the people you care for are the things that are free in life to do. It’s also something allows for them to know that you are interested in them.

The worst thing that you can do is to let someone feel like they’re in it alone. It has a tendency to make that person feel smart or not important to you. The second worst thing that you can do, is to give a bunch of bullshit ass excuses and make it seem like they should always be understanding, while you take no responsibility for your lack of actions. The third worst thing you can do is ignore the concern they are expressing to you. When you do that, you’re setting yourself up for things to end on a sour note. People don’t seem to understand that most times, when someone is telling you about something they don’t like that you’re doing, or they’re telling you how what you’re doing, or not doing, is making them feel, that is their way of showing they still care about what you do. Which also means that they still care about you as well. Once that person stops talking and telling you about the situation, that usually means they’ve come to their own conclusion about things, and you might not like how it ends up.

I’m not sure who told people to start acting like they don’t have to do their part, and do it consistently, but it’s causing so many relationships and friendships to come to an end. No one likes to feel like they’re being fucked around with. So, stop the fuck shit and act like you want the friendship or relationship that you claim you do.