dating

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Alone with You

Titles this vague make you unsure where I’m going with this and that’s on purpose. Well, this is about when you’re in a relationship with someone but you feel alone within the relationship. Have you ever had that feeling before? You know, where you just don’t like the vibe within the relationship? Where it feels like everything is all on you but all about the other person. Do you get the feeling that the energy for and towards you is lacking, it’s basic and really has no passion behind it. But with other things or people, you see an enthusiasm that should be seen with the daily interactions with you. It is one of the worst feelings that you can have. In some ways it’s a hopeless feeling. In some ways it makes you want to scream. In some ways it makes you want to throw the whole mood upside down to at least justify the actions that you feel.

Then there is the reality. You wonder why. You question whether or not the relationship is truly that. Is it two people becoming one, or is it one person becoming whole with themselves, while at the expense of the other. Who is giving all the love and understanding and energy needed for their partner to feel good and right within themselves, but leaves you drained and empty. You’re pouring out your fuel to help drive the other person and no one is refueling your tank. So you have be the conductor and producer of all the energy. That is where the loneliness hits harder than anything. It’s when you want your partner to have that sense that you’re tired and feeling little worn down and you want them to pick up the mantle and do something about it.

It is at this moment I think that some begin to realize they have a problem. I think the question then becomes what do you do in order to fully address the situation? Feeling alone within a relationship is not a new or novel concept. It has existed I’m sure since the beginning of time with dating, but it is one that has the ability to tear holes that grow deep and sometimes are never repaired. When you start to wonder where things went left, I dare you to think back to the first time when you started to feel alone within your relationship. It usually will be that point in which your mind started thinking different. Your feelings started to take on more than just warm, happy feelings. It’s when your emotions began to get sporadic and your personality swayed with the days events.

Never does someone want to feel that they are lonely with the person that they love. It is an oxymoron that doesn’t belong within a relationship. Truth is, more than likely someone will have that feeling at some point. More often that not there comes a time when one is more distracted with life than the other and it comes at the expense of the relationship as they attempt to reset their life and themselves in the process. I think that is one of the more delicate balancing acts that gets lost in relationships. It’s still two people living life and on a journey while attempting to weave a life long relationship in the midst of that. When those things are working in unison then the balance of focus is always thrown off. There will be times that focus will have to be more on one thing that the other, and it is then that you hope you have built a foundation that can withstand the absence that will be present for that period of time.

I just wonder how long one thinks that this type of situation can exist. The dynamic can’t be something that lasts for a prolonged period of time and it shouldn’t be one that should only be discussed by the offended party. Both have to acknowledge the issue and then both must figure how to really reach the solution that starts to remove the feeling of aloneness and brings back the feelings of togetherness and equality. I can tell you this much, there is only so long that you can feel like you’re in it by yourself or that you’re giving 100 and getting 65 before you get tired and the energy output fades. If this is you, talk about it and figure out what to do to fix it. Or consider the thought of moving on from it.

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To forgive don’t mean forget

This is an aged old discussion and advice that’s been given from generation to generation, but I keep hearing it come back and I’m not sure why people continue to equate the two. When someone tells you that for your sanity or your betterment you need to forgive someone, they aren’t saying that you need to forget what that person did to you as well. And, conversely if you are told to forget something, it’s saying that it needs to be forgiven either. It might just mean in order to move to the next stage of a situation you need to forget something that was done so you can focus on the healing or whatever it is that you’re trying to get through.

Lets really revisit this forgiving part. I really think it bears further discussion and understanding why you might be told to forgive someone for something that has been done. To actually forgive the person is a means for you to allow yourself to move on from a hurtful or negative action that was done against you. It has to be understood that when you allow yourself to forgive someone, you are actually taking power and control back from that person. Forgiveness says that you will no longer dwell on the situation. It says that you are allowing yourself to excuse you for allowing or permitting that person to hurt or wrong you in the first place. That in itself is where the power and control lies.

It’s my feeling that when you hold that grudge or hostility towards someone for something that they did to you, in reality what you are doing is giving them a measure of control against you. As long as that venom and disdain is allowed to fester inside you that person will be able to alter your emotional and likely mental state with their presence or words that are spoken to you. Lots of times, it impacts the personal aspects of your life. It can impact your relationship, if you’re in one, because it can allow that past person to impact your present situation. I think that’s the reason that most times when asked for advice from someone who is freshly out of a relationship, the first thing I suggest they do is take time to forgive themselves and the person who hurt them, if the relationship ended because of betrayal or hurt.

It becomes a sticking point for people when they either don’t want to, or know how to properly forgive and let go of their past. It keeps them somewhat bound to that past situation and person. It can and usually does how you interact with the current person and it usually prevents that person from being able to really get close to you and have the full understanding of you as an individual because the past is staining the present and future. Again, though it bears repeating and mentioning again, if you are ever told to forgive someone, it doesn’t mean that you have to forget what they did. This is more important if you are still going to be with that person and you don’t want to lose them. You need to pay even more attention to that statement. It doesn’t mean that you disregard your feelings or ignore what was done to make you feel that way. It means you allow for change and growth to happen.

How many times have you told someone that you want to get over something they did to you, and you say you forgave them, but you didn’t really let it go? What it means to forgive is it means you let the situation pass. You move forward and look to rebuild whatever bond was damaged as a result. It means that you have to allow yourself to put the issue to the back of your mind so that it isn’t a focus. You should remember that it happened, but allow it to have a seat in the rear, only to be looked at if things don’t improve, not as a constant sword held to the other persons throat. Nor should it be your crutch that you use to enable your anger or hurt to linger. Once you’ve had time to process the hurt, have your allowed feelings and emotions, once you’re ready to move on forgive. Forgive, not forget and move on. It will be necessary. A clean break is just that, if you’re moving past something you need a clean break or else it will only make things worse. So if you want someone, forgive the deed, forgive the person, forgive yourself and remember what it felt like. That way you don’t keep going thru it over and over.

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My Promise to You

Laying here thinking about the news I was told. Letting my mind wonder to grasp the seriousness and the heartache that I felt. Knowing that I’ve been through the same thing and have had and maybe still have similar thoughts to the ones you possess. I can only wonder what really is my duty. What should I be doing, both intentionally and purposefully to ensure that you feel all that you need to in order to know that better is here and lies ahead for you and us. What is it that one would want to hear and feel so that they know that what was will never be again, as long as I’m around? I came to a few conclusions and this forum allows me to put it in the universe for the winds to take it manifest it and spread it from coast to coast, ocean to ocean.

I promise you that I will always be there to hear your innermost private thoughts and feelings. I promise that I will always be there to be the ear you need to listen, the sounding board you need to talk to. I will be the rock that supports your foundation. I will be that shoulder that you need to lean on. I will be that comforter when you feel less than your best. I will be the guider to help navigate the uncertain and uneasy feelings you possess. These were the first sets of things I came to when I said what is needed from me. These I think encapsulate what is needed when I first think of some that heinous happening and the true support needed once you start to emerge from that dark terror. It is that compassion and empathy that will help to move you along healing from the situation.

Then I started to extrapolate that a little further and deeper. That’s when I came to the heart of the matter and depths that I’m willing to go to for you. I promise that I will be your protector when you need that extra shield. I will be there to make sure you never feel alone or lonely, in moments where you just need time to yourself. I will make sure that I am always responsive to you. There to make sure you always know that no matter what, I will never put you in position that to happen or ever allow someone to approach with a disgusting suggestion. I promise that I will always show you the love and attention that you need. I will provide the love and care and affection that is required, whenever it is required. It doesn’t matter if it’s morning, afternoon or midnight hours. Anytime you need to have your soul touched, your spirit put at ease or mind pacified I will be here.

These things came to me after really allowing myself to remember what it was like for me to have to go through that trauma and the variety of things needed coming out from that and trying to be with someone again afterwards. I know that it will not be easy and most of all it will take a large amount of patience and understanding. It will require me to be more openly cognizant of your sensitivity and emotional needs. Knowing all of this can be overwhelming if you’re not prepared or ready for the tasks. But when I look at your beautiful face and I feel the strength of your heart, I know that I’m more than prepared and able to handle this situation.

It it definitely when you learn the deepest, darkest parts of your lover that you can truly gain even stronger love and appreciate for that person. It is then, in my opinion, that your love starts to learn bounds that you never thought possible. I think that each person is responsible for bringing themselves happy and as whole as possible to the relationship, but I also feel that it is the responsibility of your partner to ensure that you maintain that happiness by striving to give you the happiness that a companion, a lover and hopeful forever partner provides. It is my opinion that if you can’t promise someone that level of love and happiness, then you need to think twice if they are for you.

As I started and as I finish, I ask myself am I really being the man that is needed for this situation? I know that I am because when I see that beautiful smile on your face, or when I hold you close after sharing that story, I feel the love and comfort come out of your body. I feel you relaxing and trusting that the arms that hold you are also protecting you. If this love story has the ending that we desire, then everything that I have promised you has definitely come true.

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Show Me Your Feelings

Having a pretty vast memory of experiences and conversations with people, including myself, I have come to understand that feelings are the emotions that our words aren’t able to grasp or willing to express. Maybe we don’t know how to verbalize what it is or we’re have some fear or anxiety about expressing it outwardly to someone we care about. This is particularly true in relationships. Couples have disagreements about feelings that one or the other may feel. This is prevalent in friendships too. You and a friends have differences over a subject matter and the feelings it creates can sometimes foster an environment of negativity or hostility because no one is willing or knows how to share those feelings with words for concern out hurting someone else.

Let me tell you that there is more than one way to get those feelings on display than just saying what you feel. Maybe it will be easier for you if you show what you feel. I know it’s a novel concept but one that people seem reluctant to try as well. You know if you don’t really know what to say with the feelings that you have, then show it with your actions. I find that people really understand body language or physical action or inaction when it comes to expressing themselves. If you’ve been in a particularly challenging situation and you feel something strong, having a declarative physical reaction lets everyone know that you are feeling something potent and powerful. That it could be negative or positive depending on the action that you choose to display.

If someone is “in their feelings”, it often means that they are emotional. It means that they are having a moment of self loathing, where they don’t feel good about themselves or their emotions at the moment. There are a number of actions that people take to show you that this is case without them ever having to fully explain why, but sometimes that may not be enough. If someone becomes reclusive or acts in a manner of distance from you, after telling you this, it is likely because they are feelings things that they don’t want you to know, don’t know how to express or don’t want to burden you with their feelings. This is usually because the feelings are attached to the past. It most likely is tied to someone from the past, usually a lover, and they don’t want to put that on you, without realizing that they already did.

It is these situations that usually cause the most tension amongst relationships. Because what has now happened is the atmosphere has become negative and it’s at the control of one person over something that has no relevance to the relationship. Due to the fact that the person isn’t willing or doesn’t have the ability to fully discuss what is causing this change, it has made questions come about the fitness or the presentness of someone in the relationship. If this is where you find yourself, try to get your partner to express themselves with their actions more openly. Maybe once they’ve come out of their feelings, have them express through their actions what they are feeling. Or, if you really need to have better understanding, ask them to be more open and forthcoming. Understanding that it takes a toll on anyone to have someone just randomly and unexpectedly become caught up in their feelings for no good reason.

If they only show this to you and are able to interact with the rest of the world, then you really need to get clarity there. You need actions to explain and words to justify. It will take you being willing to be creative. Maybe let them dance for you or draw. These artistic forms of expression can usually paint a very clear picture of what the problem is. Maybe have them write poetry for you. See through actions and words you are obtaining insight as to why your partner is struggling. Remember that through the work of the two of you, all things should be able to be resolved. If you have the trust, belief and love between you two, nothing should stop the progress you make. Understand that sometimes space and time is needed for the person to find the words or actions to explain where it all comes from. Be willing to give the space needed, but also have the fortitude to push back it becomes too frequent or happens too often. You don’t get infinite opportunities to address potential pitfalls in your relationship.

Just remember if your friend or lover says they don’t know how to explain what they feel, give them the option to display an action that will show you or possibly show and tell you what the deal is.

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Your Mind is Your Weakness

Do you ever stop to consider that in most situations, your mind is your biggest hurdle? It is just as fragile and sensitive as the heart, but the difference is it has the ability to deceive you as well. See, I believe because we have both the conscious and subconscious thoughts that travel through us constantly, that our mind becomes the fertile ground for which doubt and insecurity can dwell. I am a firm believer that once you take control of the thoughts you allow yourself to entertain on a daily basis, you really have won 70 percent of the battle. If you have your heart broken, what do you do in order to recover? Some they jump right to the next, ready to put the negative thoughts, energy and feelings out of their minds. Others, they sit and take time to reflect, learn from whatever mistakes or missed signs that were present to alert you to the possible hurt to come.

In truth, I think both choices work, depends on who you are and how you look at the world and people. Some folks who look at life with a positive outlook, tend to want to get back on the horse quickly. They don’t want to allow the negative vibes and energy to fester in their minds and spirits. And will often times decide that the next person will be able to help as they remove the bad and hopefully replace it with the good. Sometimes that’s exactly what it takes. Let go of what was and embrace what will be and what is. But, the question is do you really just wipe that bad experience away that quickly? Does your mind block it from its existence, or does it sit back in the recesses of your mind, toiling in the subconscious, waiting for you to have time to yourself for your to playback the things that may have caused you grief? See it is my belief that even the optimistic person has this period where their minds wonder about what was, even if nothing more than to bring the needed closure for the situation.

I am also of the mind however, that most people, while they try their might to move on without looking back, spend far too much time in their down time or thought time, thinking about just that. The yesterday; more precisely the things that went wrong. The damage that was done and the feelings that they felt after it all happened. They try to bury those feelings with the next person, but it doesn’t really work as smoothly as they believe. In fact, what is created is this kinda false dichotomy. What happens is in order to mask whatever warts were created as a result of that past failure, a substitute personality is created. It can be a hybrid of the real self mixed with the fronting self, in order to give someone the impression that all is well while you try to work through some things. Or, it just is a completely alternate version of yourself. One that focuses solely on making positive memories and moments and rejects any type of negativity, often times neglecting the fact that you just may be the cause of the rift because your too busy trying to be agreeable and upbeat, while behind the scenes emotions or feelings may be whopping your ass.

It can be such a tricky balance. The heart is getting mixed signals because on the one hand, you have opened it up to someone else, while on the other hand, you’re still a little damaged from the last and it has a little hesitation because it’s unsure if it is ready to handle the uncertainty and excitement of the new challenge. The mind to me is fifty times worse. It creates the alternate universe that allows you to walk into the next endeavor, while still dealing with the true realities of what you may be feeling. It is this imprisonment of the mind that to me leads to the conflicts that cause relationships to actually end. See, your mind may not be strong enough to handle all that’s coming its way. While the heart is far more resilient that we think, it is the mind that is far more fragile and more unpredictable. For the person who thinks they can withstand any and everything, and for the person who knows they may be one heart break or tragedy away from destruction.

It is my belief that just like we treat our bodies to relaxation and regeneration with massages and rest, the mind is in need of the same thing. When it has incurred too much stress and trauma, it needs a rest. It needs time to breathe, refresh, recharge and prepare itself fully for the next set of situations to present itself. If you don’t allow your mind to fully close one old chapter before opening a new chapter, you make the journey doubly difficult for you as well as whomever you chose to share the journey with. And ask yourself is that really fair? Does someone deserve for you to randomly shutdown for no logical reason? Does someone deserve to not have a full openness and understanding to you? Are you just that self absorbed and self centered that you would rather make someone feel uncertain of you and your love, all because you are so yearning to feel the love that was lost? Because you don’t want to be stuck in the misery that you may feel and think about?

Let’s be honest, that is part of your recovery. If you have been through a difficult breakup you need time to experience all the feelings and emotions that go along with that breakup. And just as important, you need time to have the thoughts and perceptions of it too. Your brain needs to be able to blow off all the steam it may have built up over the course of that past relationship. It needs time to fix its thought process so that the next person doesn’t get saddled with unnecessary doubts and obstacles or for you to be distracted because you haven’t fully released the past. And let me help with something else related to this. If you mind is that distracted or if it can become that detached that you need to isolate yourself from the one your with, maybe you need to leave them alone and get yourself together first. If that isn’t an option, then you need to include them fully in your healing. Let them be what you seem to lack; a guide to give you direction to move past the old pains and the vessel to come forward into current happiness and sustain that mindset.

Don’t fool yourself, you can lose your soulmate if you aren’t prepared to handle them. Sometimes, the right one comes at the wrong time; and if that happens you have to decide if you want that ride now and risk losing it because you’re not ready to be fully committed. Or, do you trust in the fact that if someone is meant to be, they will be and time will allow for the two of you to have what you are meant to. Either way, it’s a tough decision that requires selfless thought. You can’t be absorbed in yourself and make that decision honestly, because you are already compromised. Your mind is already weakened because it isn’t thinking of both sides.

See what I mean. The mind is far more sensitive than we think. It stores everything. It consumes too much and most times it’s the wrong things. If you cut out some of the noise, focus on you and healing. Consciously make decisions with the best intent for you and the one you love, I promise it may still be hard and a little uncomfortable, but you will have control. Most importantly, you will have clarity of mind to do what needs to be done.

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The Love Maze

A lot of times I think to myself was it worth going thru all the pain to get to where I am today. Along with the pain came experience, knowledge, understanding, growth, resiliency, destruction, lack of trust, loss of self, lack of trust and belief in people. All of these things when you read them show you the good and bad of having loved before and it not working out too well. It shows you that what is commonly understood in life is this: love has to be one of the most complicated things out there. It can provide you with the highest of high feelings. It can make you feel invincible and like nothing to get to you. But, it can also make you feel less than human. It can make you doubt yourself, as well as your abilities as a lover. It can make you feel like maybe happiness doesn’t deserve to land at your door and reside inside your home when it comes to having love and a happy relationship.

It is something that for me I have struggled with greatly over the years, and more specifically so the past couple years. Recovering from what has been the most toxic, destructive and life changing two years, these past two years of rebuild have challenged me as a man, as a person. To have lost friends, children, family and love all within the course of the past two years has been devastating. It has really pushed me to find a better understanding of myself. It tests my patience and my ability to believe in the process and healing power of love. It frequently has me questioning the validity of myself and the love that I give and receive. Because to be perfectly honest, when you have been destroyed, love can feel like the light to the fire, waiting to burn once again.

That last statement can be taken a number of ways. It can mean that the love is going to burn brightly again, giving you that warm and comfortable feeling. Or, it can mean that it will burn out of control, rage like wildfires and destroy whatever is in it’s path. Sometimes, I struggle to know which it truly is. Honestly, I struggle to know if my heart really knows or is truly ready to understand just how much good and true and pure love can really assist in the healing of the deep, dark wounds that have been clawed into it. When you get these feelings, I think they’re normal because it means that you feel something strong. It means that you’re making yourself vulnerable to the process and to the love itself and that is what really is making me scared.

Vulnerability to me signifies that someone is close. It means that your heart is involved. It means that you’re invested in the relationship and the person that you’re taking that journey with. It also means that you have now lost a significant amount of control. That is something that we all fear to some degree, losing control. It is my opinion that when you give up that control, you’re agreeing to allow love to have its way and run its course. You accept all the things that now are placed at your doorstep. The ups and downs, the good times and bad, the magical days, the passionate nights and the days you just want to punch the shit out them too. All of those feelings that you are going to experience you’re accepting and welcoming, because they make you feel like you’re the best. They make you feel like the world doesn’t matter except for the two of you.

I’m sure many others have had this issue. You’ve been hurt before. Your heart has been broken and you pieced it back together. But, you have the residual scars and hesitation about allowing someone inside, getting close to you. But, if you’re a hopeless romantic or you just love the idea of love and being in love, you know that you have to let it happen in order to find that true happiness that you seek with the love of another. You will always have a little doubt as it’s normal to have, but I think in time, real love always wins and the complicated melody that is love becomes a harmonious ballad, belting out the words to your heart that are filled with love.

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Companionship.. You Got It?

Another one of the more overlooked and underappreciated elements within a relationship is the companionship piece. That seems to be something that people often lump together with sex, but in reality it’s its own dynamic. To have someone be your companion to me, is like having that person who sees things similarly to you. They have a personality that meshes with yours. They love being in your presence as much as you do. You can have easy and open talks. You love just hanging around and interacting with each other. You like being cuddled up and laid up together. There is an aura of bliss that seems to permeate the air when you are together bonding. These are things that bring the companionship part out of your relationship.

It generally has nothing to do with the physical acts and elements of the relationship. It can however, be a catalyst to passionate, deeply intimate sex when it happens. Don’t believe me, just try it out. Allow the day to just flow to you instead of forcing it upon you. Let the relationship have the air to breathe and the energy to thrive. If you have a true companion, you guys can have dinner together and just talk about the bullshit of the day or talk about things that you don’t know about the other. Growing closer and bonding, all while just being the others companion. Watch movies together, go take a walk in the park. Do the little things that make you want to be around each other all the time.

Can you see yourself being quarantined with the person. In the current climate that we’re living in, if you’re being safe and protecting yourself, then you and that person may be seeing a lot of each other or none of each other. If you know that you can’t be without that person, it’s very reasonable to assume that not only are they your lover, but they’re also your companion. A companion is needed in my mind for your relationship to be really successful. Many folks love their partner, but don’t always enjoy being with their partners. They love the sex they provide, they love the stability or security they provide, but not really the companionship they offer. I wonder why that is for some. Is it because you don’t have a lot in common? Is it because you have taken the time to develop that bond? Is it because you just have that strong a desire for the dynamic or do you just use your friends to fulfil that part for you? Whatever it is, I think the relationship is done a disservice if you don’t include that part.

Now, back to my previous point. If you want to know how the companionship part can make your sex life even better, try having a date night. Try just laying around with just the two of you, talking having fun, playing with each other. Then just let the night come to you. See how intimate and special it feels. Try softly kissing and touching on your partner and see how their body feels and reacts to you. I’m sure that the night will take a different feel and subsequently your sex as a whole will have more connection that you think. What do you think?

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Partnership in Relationship

There are times that I sit and just think about what it takes to achieve greatness within a relationship. It’s the things that must be done, in my mind, in order to ensure that a relationship is healthy and both parties feel complete. It is in my opinion that there are elements in relationships that need to be met in order for there to be peace. One, there needs to be a sense of partnership that exists. Now when I say partnership I mean exactly that. It is the sense of equalness and shared responsibility. If the two of you are living together then there should always be a sense of equality with regards to household responsibilities.

I think that one of the more underrated and often forgotten aspects of relationships, is the actual partnership involved. I think relationships that are strong and healthy have a strong sense of partnership. Each individual knows what’s needed and contributes their parts to ensure that they’re both coming up together. That with financial and mental stresses of a relationship are shared equally. Or, shared to the degree that each person has what they need to feel that they are in a true partnership within the relationship. There is an inevitable sense of pressure that gets felt when someone feels that they’re taking on all of the responsibility or when one person doesn’t feel the need to be as committed to handling their share.

I feel that one thing that shouldn’t be overlooked is someone who doesn’t appear to have the drive and push to level up accordingly. It it irrespective of age. I don’t and won’t accept that someone needs to reach a certain age in order to understand that concept. I think it is more of a mentality that has be at the forefront of the mind. And it doesn’t just stop at the financial aspect. The emotional and physical part of the relationship is just as critical. A partnership means that one should feel all the love coming back that they give putting out. But it also means having the patience to allow your partner to grow into what they need to.

In a partnership, sometimes it requires someone to guide the other to help them grow and develop further. A person sometimes has to understand that we all need assistance with being a full partner. With saying all that I did at the top of this blog, it’s important to understand the full dynamics. When you have a partnership you also have to realize that there is likely to be an imbalance. Relationships aren’t like businesses. You can’t honestly expect to have a real 50/50 split. The truth is that in any relationship the different elements will have a different split in the partnership aspects. Maybe on the partnership level its 70/30, the companionship level it’s 40/60, the intimacy level it’s 65/35. All of these different pieces to the puzzle make up the whole. If you don’t have levels that are reassuring and comforting to you then you have to figure out what to do.

Before you decide what to do or what needs to be done, you need to ask yourself at what level are you both at from a partnership standpoint. Are you more prepared than the your lover. Are they more polished in other aspects of the partnership than you are. What ever the case may be, you need to understand that it all works together. Part of the partnership part is the communication aspect as well. That to me is the one part where it needs to be just as close to 50/50 as it can get. When that part of your partnership is off too far, then that will be a potential downfall. See, the shit just isn’t as black and white as you think. So examine things for yourself, think about what you see and feel and make your own decisions about how best to move forward.

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In Love with the Phone

Ahhhhh, a subject that many have talked and written about and still is a destructive force today. The role that social media, phones and apps play in daily relationships, not to mention, actual relationships is probably getting worse by the day. I’ve noticed that a number of my friends who have gotten in to substantive relationships have minimized their time on social media. I don’t see the posts nearly as frequently as when they were single or when they were in the infancy stages of their relationships. It doesn’t take a scientist for me to figure out why that really is. And in reality I don’t think anybody really can’t figure it out.. Social Media and overuse of it and the phone you use, can destroy your relationship.

I don’t think I really understand the need for anyone to have their phone in their hand all day every day. it defies the logic to me of having a successful relationship, if you and your partner reside in the same state and definitely within the same household. I think people tend to forget just how important interacting with your partner is to the effectiveness of your relationship. One thing that always confuses me is how people will talk about the type of individual they are or how they don’t like this that or the other, but you will see them doing the exact thing or things they say they don’t like. Or the argument that goes, as long as their physically with their partner, whatever they’re doing doesn’t matter. That to is a like a person saying, I’m not a cheater, but I like to flirt with other people.

Temptation is a bitch and a lack of attention to the needs of your significant other, is the other bitch that bites back. I often wonder how many people find this to be problematic in their relationships. And secondly, what is it that they do to combat that so that it doesn’t really become a divisive issue. I think we all can have a bit of social media obsession. We can all keep the phone glued to our hands a little too much. But, when does it become a conscious thing of no matter what I’m going to prioritize my phone over everything. How many times can you look at the same things over and over again. How many times can you watch the same kinds of videos over and over. When does enough intake become enough? I’ve never really had the issue of overkill with my phone, because there reaches points in the day where I just really don’t care for it. Where I would rather be engaging with my boyfriend in any way rather than being on the phone.

We live in a time now where everything is available on the phone. So from that stand point I truly understand. You can watch tv, listen to music, communicate, learn, read and research any and everything with just the clicks of your fingers and it’s there for your consumption. So again, to a degree I understand and support the need to use technology for many things. But one thing I also know, is that if you put more time in the phone and on the folks who are within that world on phone, than you do with the person that shares your space.. you could be alone with you and that phone. Maybe for some that’s what they want and maybe for others they just don’t care. Some may see it as why is an issue if you’re “together”. But ask yourself this question, what kind of quality is obtained by just being together, if there ain’t no interaction between you?

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One Sided Love Affair

I think that with more than 15 years experience in relationships I have a pretty sloid understanding of how love works when its good and when its not so good. I also am very aware of when the actions of love are more one sided and they don’t show the necessary improvement of becoming mutually beneficial. I think that often times relationships start and the demonstrations of love are usually more one sided than one thinks. There is almost always one individual who is receiving more of the physical love than the other, and for that matter the verbal love as well. But most times is the action love that’s missing that causes more discomfort than the words.

When someone is so easily able to verbalize their love for you, it’s reasonable to expect that the action part of displaying it would be just as easy to show. Maybe for some it’s not and that is where you have to do your best to understand the person and the why behind the reason it’s so hard for it to be shown and figure out how you can help that person or guide them towards being more lovingly affectionate towards you so that you feel the love that you wish to feel. If this is something that can’t or won’t be done, then you have to ask yourself is this a situation that you belong in? Love develops differently for each person. One person might jump for you quicker than you jump for them and you have to be sensitive to that and accept that it may take more time for things to come, but you can’t allow yourself to be blind and miss the moment of where maybe it’s not what you it was portrayed out to be.

One thing I’ve learned over the years of being with guys is that love is something that dudes have a hard time showing and allowing to be shown if they’ve been hurt significantly in the past. It scars them and makes them less likely to want to give all of them to the next guy. That is a reasonable response, but it’s also one that should send alarm signals to the one who’s trying to get the love from them. That could be a sign that the person isn’t mentally prepared and emotionally prepared to handle the task of being in love with someone or loving them completely. It takes someone to really be ready for love. Yes, there are cases where someone has been through something devastating and the love of another helps them to complete their process and journey through recovery. But, honestly, it’s usually because that person has decided that they’re ready, be it on their own or being forced, to give up the walls and fear for someone that they don’t want to lose on account of themselves.

Establish that dynamic from an early outset. Meaning, don’t allow yourself to accept someone passively dismissing your concerns when you see them and voice them. You don’t have to be overly aggressive or too forward. A good dose of humility combined with a honest desire for love and appreciate will go a long way towards making the situation resolve itself without fireworks, name calling or animosity. If that doesn’t work and you have any of those aforementioned events occur, that could your biggest indication that it’s time to consider walking away or putting things on pause to figure out if the time is right and the environment is fertile for this relationship to be happening.

Knowing when to pull back and relax when someone is pulling away from you is just as important as pushing forward trying to reassure them of your pure and true love for them. It’s not always the wise thing to advance, sometimes retreating and gathering your thoughts is just as beneficial to the situation. Either way, one thing that can’t be lost, if you don’t communicate and have understanding for the dynamics, you will fail and the one sided love will be a no sided love. Take note