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Heart Chronicles

As the journey throughout life continues one thing that you will eventually reckon with is your decisions and how they affect you in the present life that you live. I don’t think it’s something that’s meant to be a negative but it’s something that will make you look deeper at yourself, before you look at the person you’re with, if you’re in a relationship. If you’re single, then it will make you evaluate your choices before or while you’re considering your next love. This thought process and evaluation is one that has no timetable and in fact, can take quite a while to sift through. It pulls together the emotional highs and lows that you feel or felt. It presents goals achieved and failed. It reminds you of the things you said you wanted and still have left to accomplish.

What it does, if you’re honest with yourself, is it makes you be patient with the process of growing yourself and having patience for the partner you share your life with as well. Now to be honest, patience is not something that I’ve ever been really good with on the whole. In relationships I tend to have a quick trigger to remove something that I think will not work, and at times I have overcompensated and been too patient in situations where I knew the right thing to do was to leave, but I didn’t want to appear to be a quitter so soon. It’s a challenge that I’m sure many people struggle with, not just myself. It’s something that I feel is a result of not giving enough time for healing and self reflection from past relationships before engaging in the next one.

What happens is that your mind starts to really dig deep into where you have been, what you have been through and what you really want from what you’re doing now and where you ultimately hope to go in the future. It makes you have reason to attempt to try things differently if you really want success, because if you know prior relationships failed attempting things a certain kind of way, it would benefit you to try to do things a little different. What you learn about yourself will be helpful, either to the person you’re with currently or the next person that you allow to enter your world if comes to that. It is the need to say that you are flexible and not sedentary. To me, the person who is open to change and willing to accept that they don’t have all the answers is a person that can navigate the uncertainty of the mind.

You know I was watching something that said you have to have patience in a relationship sometimes. While that wasn’t news or anything new or earth shattering, the comment after is what gave me pause and has really had me in more a reflective and learning state as of late. The comment was, sometimes if you can get over the discomfort and struggles in the relationship, that person will give the best time of your life. That is what stuck with me more than anything. It’s the concept that sometimes you really just have to have the patience to allow for all the edges to be smoothed out so that the two of you can have the harmony and desires that you want from each other.

Something that I think is often forgotten is when you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you really don’t know what’s going on in their world, if you aren’t connected to them prior to you dating. The thing is most times, the person you’re choosing to be with is someone that hasn’t been in your orbit prior to the beginning of the dating/relationship process. So just like you’re dealing with past things and working on being a better you in the present and the future, that person could be doing something similar. They most likely are in a different stage in the process than you and that’s something that the two of you have to manage as well. Maybe one could help the other progress or the two of you work together if you’re closer to each other in your rebirth process.

It honestly feel uncomfortable to not really know how you feel or think from day to day. What I mean by that is, when you have a solid grasp on things, there is a consistent thought process usually. You wake up wanting to further yourself in the goals that you’re working towards. But, when you’re in the middle of changing and growing your mindset isn’t stable. It’s more scattered and it’s definitely not confident in some of what it feels or thinks. This is when that patience needs to be practiced more than ever. Because when you’re in this state you question things really easily, and you’re more prone to make snap decisions to want to change things because you see it fitting in with what you feel in the moment. That moment can last for a day or two or three and you have to have the discipline to understand that you’re changing and something that’s stable needs to remain present.

It’s hard because even as I’ve been writing this my mind has wondered from being confident in the thoughts I have regarding relationships. There is disconnects sometimes between the physical self and the emotional self. I yearn for sex with my partner, but I also try to be patient and understand maybe he’s at a different stage in his process and he isn’t feeling the sexual tension because he isn’t satisfied with parts of his life and sex is an afterthought because of it. I challenge myself to stick with it and go through the wave of inconsistency hoping that things square up and improve. Desiring for things to become closer to how it was in the beginning. When the affection was obvious and the intimacy was consistent. Hoping that with a return of those things, the physical, sexual activity will increase and the balance will be set.

I have always said that when you take away any one of the critical areas in a relationship you hurt the balance and create tension. It creates a feelings of uneasiness because things or something is missing. When you aren’t able to have a full and complete relationship, it leads to feelings of neglect and unwantedness. This is something that needs to be treaded upon lightly in my view. It’s also something that at some point needs to be discussed. When you’re going through your own person changes and reviews, you want to feel that your relationship will provide a stability that you can rely on, but the fact that you have two people who are making adjustments can make that not be a reality.

Undoubtedly, I’m sure that this is something that has occurred to others. Surely, these are things that people work through daily. It’s something that can be an easy quick fix, or something that can take time to overcome. There are so many things that can become attached to this. Self esteem issues can become part of the dynamic and lack of appreciation thoughts become more prevalent. How you work through these challenges will really determine whether or not the relationship lasts and sustains itself. The decisions that you make yourself and the ones you make together will really determine how you come through this uncertain time.

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Heart Chronicles

I’m sure if you read down the list there are quite a few blogs written about this topic, but I’m going to write about it again because I think it is one of the most underrated and least understood concepts in relationships. Just talking about the type of person you are, just telling someone about the types of things of you like doesn’t mean that you actually do them. Nor does it mean that it’s the end of the situation and because you said it, then it’s true so there needs to be no actions to demonstrate what you said. I think people get confused because when they are approached in conversation about the things talked about not happening, too many times the response is why am I proving myself or my love to you?

The truth is we all have to prove ourselves. Yes, you do have to show that what you is real. It has always been like that in all walks of life and in all things that we do. What it does is it shows that you are not just about talking about something, it means that you do what you say. It means that it truly is your character to act that way, not just talk. It means that you are dependable to hold true to what you say you’re going to do. More than proving your love, what you’re doing is proving yourself. We always know what the old saying is.. Actions speak louder than words. It is true all the times because anybody can say anything. You can tell me that you are the best athlete in the world, but if you can’t demonstrate that in a sporting event, then it’s just simply words with no proof.

Love is a lot like that. You can say that you’re a lover, an affection person, but if you don’t show that action then what does that really say? It means that you’re just talking, you’re not really that person because you can’t show the action that verifies what you say. If you say that you are highly sexual but there is no sex life, it’s scarce at best, then what does that mean in regards to your person? It means to me, that you’re not really that person. It means that you talk about something but you have no intention on showing this to be true. Actions and words have always gone hand in hand in life and they always will. If you’re the person who tries to push back against complaints of not being genuine to your words by saying, “Why I gotta prove myself to you?” What you’re doing is telling someone that you’re a lie and you just want to ear hustle. You know, use your mouth to get what you want, but not actually do what you say.

This type of person is one that makes being in a relationship complicated. Because on the one hand, we all love to hear the things that make us feel good or the things that we relate to, or that syncs up with us. So when that person tells you these things it makes you feel good, and while you’re still in the learning phases, you are inclined to believe them and give them the chance to show that they are that person. Yet, what happens when those opportunities present themselves and the actions don’t follow is you learn they can’t be trusted, because they aren’t being real and legitimate about who they really are. Again, actions show who you really are as a person, not just the words you speak. You must be able to show that you do what you say.

What will happen over time, is you will wear out your welcome. Meaning, people will sour on you because you say one thing and do another. You don’t follow through and that makes you unreliable. I can’t explain to people how much a lack of action leads to relationships ending more times than not. Sex is the leading thing that this shows up. A person talks on the phone or through text messages about being very sexual, then when the in person action comes, there is nothing that happens that verifies that. Talking about it honestly won’t solve the issue unless it gets backed up with action. This is true also when it comes to just affection and intimacy. It’s very to say that you like affection, but when you’re together, do you actually show it? If not, it usually leads to issues because nobody wants to be in a relationship where shit is boring and mundane. Where all you do is just have simple convos, or convos about days past, yet no actions that build memories and moments in the present.

If you read this and you can relate, I wonder which end are you relating from. Are you the person who has no problem delivering the actions and your partner struggles? Or, are you the person who loves to mouth hustle? You can talk a damn good game but can’t back it up with your actions? How fair do you think it is if you want real love, that you can’t show the love you talk about?

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Heart Chronicles

Something that I urge everyone to do is to think about what the word vulnerable means to you. In more detailed words, how does you being vulnerable affect you and your decision to get into a relationship? How likely are you to take your guard down to let someone in? Because it is my belief that once you have amassed some baggage from being hurt and disappointed in relationships, you tend to restrict the level of vulnerability to show in order to protect yourself. And believe me I truly understand why you would want to do that, but the question I have is are you willing to alter yourself so much to the point that you might miss the one for you, because you don’t want to be vulnerable enough to let them in to see the true, full you?

This is a discussion that I know has many different view points and there may not be a majority opinion to be had because it’s so subjective, but I truly believe that you have to make a decision at some point after you’ve been hurt, to allow your heart to be open to being loved by someone. If you are truly a hopeless romantic then this really isn’t a problem for you. As you naturally are predisposed to allowing yourself to be open to love. It’s your nature so you will want to let someone in to see if they’re going to make you feel how you want to feel. If you’re the shy type, it will most definitely be difficult for you to open back up to love. But that is the test of your heart and your mentality.

As someone who has a significant amount of baggage in his life, I truly think that this situation is multifaceted and it can ebb and flow with the emotions that you feel and the affection that you’re receiving from people or that special someone. I feel like there is always a push pull when it comes to being vulnerable. You feel the need to let your guard down to some extent in order to go through the process of finding the one you want or letting them find you. But on the other hand, you may also feel the need to hold back and reserve some until you truly feel as though that person is going to hold you down the same way that you’re holding them down. That can sometimes be problematic as well. Consider this point.. what if both of you have some baggage and are needing to feel the stability from each other to really release that hesitation? Who takes that lead to say I’m going to pull you and you can pull me too?

I think more times than not that happens in relationships between people with a past. One of the parties recognizes that there is a need for one to pull the rope for the other to follow. And it is in that moment you find out who is true to their words. You also find out who is willing to be the alpha. the lead person in the relationship and who will be more of the submissive person. Yes, I know that may be a little controversial but I do believe that once someone steps up to take the lead role that person will hold it for a prolonged period of time, until it is necessary for the other partner to lead on something they feel comfortable carrying their partner through. The ability to show that vulnerability of leadership and support, while the other submits and follows along is critical to a relationship. Truthfully both people don’t lead at the same time, it doesn’t work, neither can both parties be submissive it doesn’t work either.

When you are truly vulnerable, you allow all of your true traits to show. And if you are compatible with your partner they will respond accordingly because they are open enough to trust what you put forth. Honestly, that is how it should and needs to work. Anything else and you’re being disingenuous and that will always lead to failure. So take the time to make sure that you are ready to be vulnerable and then you will allow yourself to be open to be found, or to find your love.

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Quality Time Versus Quantity Time

If you know anything about me then you know that I always tell people to be careful of how they describe time spent together. I believe that there is a big misconception that simply because you are around someone that it means you’re spending quality time with them, or just because you live together it means all your time is quality and that just isn’t true. In fact I believe that more people misjudge and often times neglect to have meaningful time together with their partners when they live together. Typically because one or both parties think that living together automatically means quality time together.

So here’s the thing about that. There is nothing quality about laying in bed together while one person or the both of you are just scrolling and typing away on the phone, not really interacting with each other. There is nothing quality about one person trying to be intimate or just have real quality time while the other does just sit on their phone and dismiss the offering of time from their partner. That is neglect in the purest form and something that can lead to trouble in your relationship. Just because you have a high quantity of time together, you have to make sure you get quality out of some of that time. That will and is always the key to healthy relationships, making sure you get quality time out of every day possible.

I think that when we’re younger we have a greater tendency to mix up the two because we maybe haven’t had the experience to better inform us of which one we really are performing, and we haven’t been shown or told how to really have quality time until we have had that relationship that puts a focus on it, causing us to pay more attention to just how we are spending time with the one we love. It’s a loophole that doesn’t get covered as much by parents or people who are influences to us. If it is discussed it isn’t given the requisite time it deserves in order to be properly understood. So here’s the deal.. Being on your phone all damn day and laying under your partner doesn’t equal quality time. Not focusing on each other for a period of the day without your phones is not quality time it’s just time, quantity time.

Now if you two are making a Youtube channel video while you’re online, that’s one thing, but the overwhelming majority aren’t so it wouldn’t apply. I really get tired of people trying to make the argument that all they need is to be next to the person they love and that’s quality time for them. Have you looked up the definition of the word quality. Laying there with no interaction or limited interaction isn’t a definition in the world quality. So how about if while you’re laying there y’all put the phones down and watch a couple movies or have dinner together or play video games together or get real intimate, where you fuck or not, that time is valuable. Or have a deep conversation to learn things deeper about you two and your desires together.

Do any of those activities for a bit, or sing and dance together, whatever it is there is where you have created quality time. That will make the both of you feel a lot better than just your face planted in the phone not or barely acknowledging the others presence. It is great important and value in making great use of the time you get to spend together. It is my belief that things operate on cycles. There will come time where the two of you won’t have that time to spend lots of it together. Work, children, family will intercede and require you guys to have less time together, making quality time less available and even more important. If you lack having it then, when times have gotten tighter, it could be the relationship killer.

I challenge you all to take time and think about what kind of time to you spend with your partners? Is it more quality than quantity or is it more quantity than quality?

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Friends With Benefits

Simple title, should be simple concept but apparently it’s very complicated and too many people seem to not take the nondirect clues or they want more than what it is. Now, just to give disclosure this doesn’t apply to me, but I’ve been watching some shows and know many people who this situation has happened to and I still don’t understand why people try to place blame on someone when this situation unfolds and one parties feelings gets hurt because a dynamic shifts. I’m going to explain this and try to make sure it’s understood why this type of setup should be very simple and not complicated.

If you’ve ever had a situation like this then you already know what the title of this writing means, if you haven’t well I will tell you. A friend with benefits is someone that you have a friendship with but you guys do extra and other things. Not just like going out together or having dinner, but you have a sexual, intimate component to your situation. But, it is an understanding in place that you aren’t exclusive, you aren’t building towards a relationship, it simply means that you don’t want to restrict yourself to only platonic dealings, you want to get sexual and not have to worry about feelings being caught behind it. Plain and simple that is the jest of the situation. This is what should happen in this type of arrangement, but, it’s commonly not how it goes.

In this situation what usually winds up happening is someone catches feelings. One of the parties likes all the attention and the intimacy and so on that happens, which leads to one getting feelings where it should just be fun and casual. I have been in these types of situationships before and I can say that while I do have an understanding for why one person catches feelings, I don’t agree with or accept it because when it’s clearly understood what’s going to happen, then there is no reason that blame should be assigned or angry feelings felt if the feelings aren’t mutual. If you are the type of person who can’t handle a setup like that, then I suggest you never agree with someone who says that’s all that they really want from you. Or, if you drop hints about being serious and they never really commit to it or talk about it, take that as a clue that you’re going too far and the whole situation may be called off.

If you are the person who is a hopeless romantic type person, this type of situation will never work for you. It will always leave you unfulfilled and wanting more, so don’t waste your time. If you’re the person who doesn’t like to be alone, but you also aren’t sure that you’re the relationship type this situation could be perfect for you. You have a friend that you kick it with and fuck around with, but you know that there is nothing serious between you two. Sounds like you’re getting the best of both worlds. You know the occasional sleep over and shit. Now, if you’re the person who is kinda broken and you might not be ready for a relationship then you could also be perfectly setup to benefit from this situation. But you also be setting yourself up for failure.

See the person who is trying to heal and recover from a relationship usually wants someone to keep them company and help to ease their pain. Usually they can rebound too quickly and jump into a relationship before they’re ready, but if they’re smart they also get into a friends with benefits situation and that can generally appease them until they feel they are ready to put their heart into it again. Then there is the person who doesn’t want anything serious and just wants to fuck around. This setup works for them too as long as it doesn’t seem too personal or exclusive. It’s pretty self explanatory too.

Hopefully this post will help people understand why if you aren’t a direct talker but you exhibit these actions and someone says they were misled or anything of the sort, this will clear it up. It should always be understood that physical actions work as well as actual words. Pay attention to the situation and the person. Don’t overplay the deal and you will be fine.

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Heart Chronicles

There is something that I think many need to make sure to understand, the lack of openness or a suppression natural affection and sexual intimacy is not a reflection necessarily of both parties in a relationship. Most times it can be the result of one persons lack of transparency, but it can have a transfer effect. Meaning, that that missing or negligent action can cause doubts on both parts. Or, it can create a sense of resentment. Either way both are dangerous and need to be monitored because they can cause serious problems within a relationship.

As I’ve been saying recently, it’s not always one major thing that happens that causes change. It usually is smaller things that occur, that either lead up to the big thing happening that is obvious and noticed or the small things happen often enough, or in important enough situations that they’re noticed, at which point something must be done. It would be a mistake to just dismiss something small happening now, because it can be the catalyst that leads to something bigger down the road. If you notice these things happening you can handle it a number of ways and each carries different consequences. One way you can address the situation is to speak with intent on it. Meaning, ask why is it happening. Why is there a need to hide or feel the need to sneak if there is happiness and moving on one accord?

Be careful though because if that person isn’t use to that type of directness or bluntness it can lead to a retraction in that person. They may feel attacked and rather than engage in the conversation they may push back and attempt to disprove what it is that you’re putting forward. The other reaction you could get is a direct response. One that either you must accept or push forward if you feel that it doesn’t address the issue sufficiently. The second way you could handle it is just let it go. Don’t entertain it or any thoughts that could be associated with it. Maybe it’s just a situation that the person wanted an immediate fix and you were busy in the house and they chose to do it themselves and not involve you. Nothing against you and nothing indicating that any attraction is being lost or missing.

This is the passive approach, but it’s one that could also work. Again, it may allow for the situation to die out and not be tackled because it just may not need addressing at all. But be ware, because this could also be a flash point that needs to be marked as a sign of trouble down the line. Always remember, you have to maintain being present, which means attune to things within your relationship. A third way to deal with it combines the two approaches in a way. You address it but not questioning the deal. Speak your peace as to the necessity of your partner self pleasing themselves with you there in the house just in another room. Make it known your displeasure and let them think about why did they need to hide it and do it alone in the first place.

Now what you do after that is really up to you. If they don’t really have an answer and then ask you to join, well decide what you want to do. Maybe that was just a way for you to invite yourself, even though it was being hidden and you had to be playful and pull back the covers to see what’s happening. But maybe they wanted you to do it. Also consider, that had you not done any of that. Had you not played with person, had you not pulled the covers off none of that, you would’ve never known anything. It would’ve continued to be done and you would be in the dark. Maybe you need to leave them alone with your words and their thoughts. Nothing further to be said. No argument to have, no conversation to be debated. Just blunt words and then silence.

This has multiple ways it can turn out as well. Maybe the person thinks and talks to you about it and you clear the air and things improve. Maybe it leads to some tension and silence and nothing is really resolved. Or maybe there is some quiet, silent reflection that leads to discussion or action to ease your fears and doubts. Hopefully the outcome is the one you desire and the two of you can move forward in a peaceful and happy manner. Remember, relationships are going to have issues and obstacles. They will the most minimal of things to heavy and major things. Decide where it fits and handle it accordingly. It grows you both and makes you better if you accept it.

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Rediscovery of Identity

Often times when you’ve gone through something traumatic, especially if it’s at the hands of a lover, you tend to lose yourself for a time while you recover and heal. And if you choose to stay in that relationship longer after the damage has been inflicted upon you, you’re further alienating yourself from you. Because you have to turn into a survivor. That’s right, the minute that you try to remain in something damaging, you are no longer really living. At that point what you’re doing is existing, surviving until you ground yourself again and find you.

Once you decide to leave that situation you start that process of rediscovery. It takes you through the highs and lows of the past. It reminds you of the person you use to be. It harkens back to better days and maybe even bad days to see just how far you’ve drifted away from yourself. It is a painful process, but ultimately one that becomes necessary in order for you to center yourself and move forward. Magnify that times ten when it comes to entering back into a relationship and defining yourself and role within the scope of that situation. If you’ve ever lost yourself in a relationship you know how hard it is to rediscover that being in the next one. Primarily because most of us really won’t take the time to examine who we became during that time and evaluate how much of that person we want to keep and how much we want to remove. Want to return to the person that we once were with some enhancements.

It is a challenge that becomes more difficult because as you evolve as a person that mark will move. There are risks to over compensating for the errors you made. Making too drastic a change because of the pain. You run the risk of changing all of you when you may only need to alter a small part. Trying to decide who you are in the current moment is hard enough without dealing with the past pains and traumas. It is also why I understand the need, usually earlier in relationships, for there to be a healthy amount of jockeying for status. Both of you trying to test your boundaries of what will be tolerated. Both trying to see just who is the more dominant person in the relationship. Both trying to re-establish their relationship identity.

Once you lose yourself, you tend to force yourself not to get too lost again. It’s a measure of control that many seek to keep because they don’t want to be hurt too much. They don’t want to be made a fool of and the normal action taken is to hold back. To present variations of yourself until you are ready and comfortable with the person you want to present and who you will giving yourself to. These awkward moments should be expected and shouldn’t be dismissed. They don’t need to be dwelled upon either. You each should take stock of the physical and emotional reactions you got. Think about what you said or did to cause it and understand the limit that your partner just placed on you. If it was something funny and joking understand that within the funny is a message.

I lost nuisances of understand that a message can be hidden in all things is something we should do a better job of. We can laugh and be joking in order to tamp down the harshness of what’s being said, but it shouldn’t be dismissed as not being serious. It should be possibly looked at as your partner wanting to restrict you without hurting you. Also, during this time don’t be afraid to address things that bother or aggravate you. This is when you should be alerting your lover to the things that you aren’t satisfied with. Again, it may be uncomfortable but it will better your relationship in the long run. Talking and understanding, giving constructive and considerate criticism is what makes relationships last. That authenticity and knowledge that you will get the truth from your partner is invaluable.

I’ve always said that until your relationship experiences that uncomfortable honest period, then you haven’t really begun reaching the deeper truths of your relationship. As long as everything is rosy and sunshiny you have nothing to really worry about. Once things become more serious and real, once there is self reflection and evaluation. Once you are asked to listen to your heart and once you have some positives and negatives of each other is when you really know whether or not you love that person deeply. That’s when you really know whether or not you have a love that is really lasting. That’s also when you really find out if you have rediscovered yourself. If you find yourself repeating the same things from before, maybe there is still substantial work to do. If you find yourself seeing the same issues, maybe you aren’t as ready as you think you are.

Always be willing to challenge yourself. Always be willing to look at yourself with a honest lens, not just the you don’t want to be alone lens. Healthy and happy people create healthy and happy relationships. A strong understanding of self and a love of that self is a big of the equation. So for all of those who may be questioning things about yourself. Wondering if you have truly found yourself, look deeper into the mirror and ask yourself if you have rediscovered yourself? If you have then hey move forward in the way that you see forth. If you still in that process, then let time finish working on you and that love will most surely follow.

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Heart Chronicles

So it’s fair to say that I’ve written a good bit about the need and importance of sex in relationships. In this post I will expand a little deeper into the why and what it does. How it has such an important role and what a lack of it can mean for you and your relationship. Sit back, read, relax and enjoy. As always if you have comments feel free to leave them.

The why about sex being important is more than just the obvious and face value. Yes it feels amazing and it’s a great way to release tension from you and your partner. Whether it be towards each other or the just the general ebbs and flows of life. But, there is really a tangible benefit to having sex, or better yet, making love in your relationship. When you and your partner make love, be it slow and intimate or aggressive and passionate, what you’re doing is intertwining your bodies. You’re making that connection that you have even deeper. Because you are giving your most prized possession to that person, You. It can’t be understated just how much control is relinquished in a relationship once sex becomes a normal part of the activities.

Think about it for a minute. You have that special person and y’all are happy, things are going well, the vibe is amazing, but you’ve yet to get naked and let the physical attraction take over. While there is a bond and deepness that grows and develops from the time spent, the cuddling, talking and shit, nothing sends the feelings into overdrive like giving all of you to that person. Once that happens and the two of you have made love for the first time, everything changes. It’s not the same and you can’t even try to lie about it. You have just solidified your relationship with the most special gift of all. It’s then that you really find out just how bonded the two of you are. It takes all the words you’ve spoken and promises you’ve made and made them real and actual. Because now they have a piece of you and you have a piece of them.

Now the how is a little more intricate but just as relative. If you refer back to the previous paragraphs sex is the glue that binds the two of you together. How it does that is really simple if you think about it. Most people tend to value who they give their bodies too. And if it’s relationship wise, giving of your body is really the symbolic gesture of surrendering your heart. That’s what really happens when you lay with your lover. It is the act of you giving up control. It’s the emotions being released and bound and the heart being officially being tethered to that person. You have just done what you are or aren’t ready for. Made that person in control of you and the emotions that you display towards them. No matter what is said about you always being in control of you, when you love someone we all know that doesn’t apply the same way anymore.

What it does it changes everything. It allows for there to be tension and arguments so that there can be makeup sex. The best part, to some, of sex. Being able to disagree with that person and then releasing all that heat and passion in a sexual expression. If you’re the top or the male role, then you want to pound them cheeks or puss into submission. You want to make them know that you have that dominance over the situation. You want to make them submit to you and your will. If you’re the bottom or the taker in the situation, maybe you want to be punished and pleased. You want to be dominated or you may want to dish out a little aggression of your own. Maybe you sit on top and rid your partner so you can have control of the situation. Either way it goes, the sex allows you to release the frustration and get those good feeling endorphins released.

What it also does is change the mood and tenor of the environment without needing lots of discussion or time. If the debates are relatively small in nature, however, if things are more serious, sex can have a way of greasing the skids to ease into a more difficult and complicated conversation that needs to take place. Or just remove the conversation part at all until a later time when all parties are more prepared for the conversation. What it also does is allow for you to feel that love and passion that your lover has for you. It makes you feel as good as you want to feel, and we all want to feel good because of the one we love.

Now, if your relationship is lacking in the love making department, then it can mean a few things and most all of them aren’t good. If you aren’t having sex, then you have no real release value that the two you can engage in together. You are missing that physical connection as well, which is much needed. It can be hurtful because it can cause a buildup of tension and make you feel on edge more than you should. It leads to doubts and concerns of infidelity. It can make you feel unwanted and unattractive. These are all things that you don’t want to make your lover feel and if you have this present it needs to be addressed. A lack of sex brings about feelings of uncertainty. It can also make you wonder if the person is really into the relationship. The exception to this is if the two of you have agreed to wait until marriage to have sex.

The other exception is if the person is a virgin and you’re waiting for an appropriate time that they’re comfortable to have sexy with you. In these cases the intimate time spent talking, cuddling and bonding are precious and forming the necessary groundwork for that first night.

So there you have it. My feelings on the how, what and why’s of sex. The importance and what it creates. Having it, you feel good, you’re relationship is likely in a good place. You’re environment is a good one. If the sex is bad, well that’s a whole different conversation, but at least you having it. If you lacking, well time to make some decisions and think about what you want to do. If you want to save the relationship figure out how to put that extra spark back into your love life. If you don’t let it die and get out.

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Gay Isn’t Traditional

So, the title is meant to encompass the entire community. The LGBTQ+, but that isn’t as catchy as just the simple opening title. Now, lets get into what I mean by this and how it applies to the daily shits of life. Many relationships in the community seems to have a basis in the traditional male and female relationship. There has to be a masculine, dominant one and a submissive more feminine one. Now, most times that is going to come to pass because people are typically split as type A or Alpha people and the type B or submissive people. The natural dynamics of human interaction says that the outgoing person tends to date a more low key type person. The alpha tends to want a submissive type and fill in the blanks in between.

Why is this important? Because too many people assume that the looks of a guy determine what he is in his relationship. That’s usually the funniest and most inaccurate thing that you can judge from. Now yes, there are some guys that will openly show you who they are. But it doesn’t always mean that it follows that script all the time. For example if a feminine dressed or personality type is out in public, most people also assume that he is a bottom and submissive in his relationship. While that sometimes is true, there are more times than not, that it’s not the entire truth. Sometimes he’s the more dominant one and the bottom or the submissive one and the top and sometimes they do both and want both.

Furthermore, when it comes to getting married, there is this assumption that things go traditionally and the engagement as well. Most tend to follow this, but those that are current and present, realize that it isn’t necessary to follow a heterosexual script, because we’re gay not traditional. I’ve long since said that I am not a traditional guy. I don’t intend to have a typical wedding where only one person is being walked down the aisle. Also, I don’t want an engagement where only one of us gets to have that special moment. I think we each deserve to be proposed to and say yes to this engagement. I wish more in the community stopped thinking like we’re the same as straight couples. We have the same rights yes, but we also have the right to make our own dynamics.

One thing that I’ve appreciated so much about my current boyfriend, is that we have embraced the idea of being nontraditional. We agree that each should get their special proposal. We agree that we both should be walked down the aisle by our person of choice. While we do have some dynamics that are similar to hetero couples, such as the masculated and feminated dynamics with regards to character traits, but there can be a blend at times. We have many moments where we both exhibit feminine traits and masculine traits. It’s truly the part of this relationship that makes things unpredictable. Because for us, we both have big personalities. We embrace the fact that there is no ultra male or female here. We know what roles we typically tend to portray and we love who we are.

Being gay is awesome in my opinion. While we are still struggling for acceptance and we struggle as men to be fully accepted, for us it’s amazing. We can write our own rules. We don’t have to play by the norms for society just because someone wants to put us in a box. We have the right to determine what is normal for us and have no problem braking the molds that are predetermined. I hope that many of you out there that are in this community understand this concept. Embrace your difference, love your individualism and reject the urge to be boxed into a group or painted with a broad brush. Gay is not traditional. Gay is not a relic. It is very much so contemporary and progressive and growing. Think of yourself as a blank canvas and paint whatever portrait you want the world and those around you to see.

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Heart Chronicles

There is one fundamental lesson that must come from allowing yourself to love again, if you’ve been heartbroken. You must learn to love yourself and more importantly, all in love with yourself before you fall in love with someone else again. I know some may think this is a no-brainer or trivial, but you would be amazed how many people skip this step or don’t fully complete this step before getting back out there. Let me tell you, if you find real love before you’ve finished doing the work on yourself, you will find yourself torn between accepting the new, while removing and disowning the past. It is one of the most important things that you can do for yourself. To allow yourself to be in love with yourself again. It brings a special power with it that can’t be understated.

Falling in love with yourself again means that you have forgiven yourself for the past pain and hurt that you went through. It means that you have allowed yourself to remember just how special and deserving you are of that true and beautiful love. It also allows for the special someone to get in close to your heart. It embraces the magical moments being made, it gets caught up in the moment and doesn’t care about what happened before. It aides in removing those past memories that are taking up space in your mind, so you can make room for the amazing memories that you are currently making. What it really does is allow your soul to be replenished and your heart to feel light. Can you imagine if you are in love with someone else and not fully in love with yourself? Are you this person?

How can you be giving all of you to the next one and not appreciating the love within yourself for yourself? Honestly, this is me to a degree. The more that I find myself loving this man I’m with, the more I’m realizing my own love for myself. The more he loves on me and professes his love for me, the more I quietly profess my love for myself. The more we lay together, body to body, pulling the harmonious, loving energy from each other, the more my heart gets lighter, feels purer, embraces his unconditional love that he is providing. Sometimes, it can take for you giving all of the love you have left to someone else, and them return that love ten fold to you, for you to realize just how much you have love for the person that you are. And once you realize that, honestly it opens you up to continue to love harder and deeper. It allows you to breathe again. Enjoy the little things once more, like before.

The heart is a vessel that needs constant attention. It needs to be massaged, talked to, loved, nurtured and developed. When it gets hurt or broken, it needs to be reassured, rebuilt, comforted and protected. If all these things are done, then you have a chance at finding true love again, otherwise, you continue to falter and have false starts. Sometimes you neglect to complete all these steps before you start looking for love. Usually, that’s when that someone helps you or pushes you to want to finish the work. Because you start to feel something on the inside that you want to let blossom into the beauty that it holds. It means taking control of the fear and uncertainty and reassuring yourself that this love won’t repeat the past failed love.

Take your time, take small steps, don’t try to over do it and allow the process to follow you. When you are genuine and intentional about healing and loving, it can be accomplished at the same time. Just understand that once the veins to the heart have been opened and blood is freely flowing, you are vulnerable and no longer in control. Make sure that the man or woman that you are giving this power to and embarking on this journey with, is worth the effort. If you’re assured of that, then gear up and enjoy the journey. It just may be the last one you need to take and the one that leaves you eternally satisfied.