I’ve written in the past about the dynamic in the gay community where masculinity or femininity is based upon one’s sexual position rather than the personality and appearance given. I want to revisit that because after a recent conversation I feel like, especially in the Black Gay community, this is still a BIG mischaracterization and it shouldn’t still be happening so prevalently. It needs to be understood that just because one is versatile or a bottom, that it doesn’t automatically mean they’re soft or feminine or less masculine that a top or vers top. Let’s get into this conversation point just a little deeper.

When I was talking to this friend, he said that he can’t date someone who is versatile because they aren’t masculine enough. That essentially, because they took dick, they can’t be hard or dominant enough to handle a fully submissive bottom. I challenged that assertion because I was trying to figure out how did he come to that conclusion? I thought that we had gotten a littler further past the point of position determining dominance. His response is typical of what you hear from gays. He said “I don’t know, I just assumed because they taking dick that they can’t be that dominant or masculine.” I laughed at that notion, thinking to myself, damn are we still living in the early 2000’s or early 2010’s? I mean damn what really makes someone think that only taking dick is the definition of being dominant or submissive? Well, I had to remind him that there are many masculine and dominant bottoms that exist. In fact, especially in Atlanta, there are far more manish bottoms that there are manish tops. LOL, if you disagree with this opinion, just ask some gays in this city, they will tell you. You can find a solid top, but there will always be a little more sweet twist to them than you might expect.

And to me that’s normal anyway. I mean as a gay man that’s what makes it so much fun. I can be a dominant or alpha type man and still like to have a big, eccentric personality as well. I can be the one normally controlling the relationship and still like to take dick from time to time if I decide I want to. Or, I can just be with a bottom who loves to please me and be just as satisfied. The complexity of being a gay man should be embraced and accepted, as opposed to trying to over simplify people into a category based on whether or not you take some wood in your hole. I never really understand the need for that this of discussion anyway. LOL, I mean yes I do get it and realize that people find the need to quickly box folks so they can make quick decisions, but I think that takes away from the dynamic of learning and knowing each other. Sometimes the right one for you will be right there, but because you make an baseless assumption, based on one thing instead of knowing them could make you miss out on that right one.

I don’t plan to get too deeply involved in this conversation because I feel that this stereotype is changing, but I just felt the need to come back and readdress this because I’ve heard this a little more often that I thought I would. Like why would you want someone to be just so stock standard to something? I think the different personality traits and dynamics is what makes the art of finding a love match so intriguing, but also so frustrating at times. Love yourself and the skin you’re in, but also be open to accepting that dominance and masculinity comes in different forms and in different packages. Maybe, opening your mind to that will allow for you to find the love that you want. I always say, if you’re only use to looking for the same thing, in the same place, you will continue to get the same failing results.

Sometimes things will happen in life that make you question did something previously that was intentionally designed to prepare you for the next time, or was it just a real coincidence? I have a hard time really understanding why a situation will happen, only for it to come back around sooner than you expect it to. When you have two of the same situations back to back, your mind goes crazy trying to understand what should you do. Do you allow yourself to give that new person a second chance, or do you take a lesson from the prior situation and distance yourself from them as well?

The truth is I don’t know if there is a singular right answer. I think it all depends on the individuals involved and what caused things to end with that person. Ironically, in this case, the situations are actually almost mirror images of each other. The only difference maybe being the personalities of the two people. Otherwise, both of them are the same type, with the same setup that caused all of this to be unsettling to me. It has caused me to have more pause than a little bit and it makes me think about whether or not I’ve made the right choices. Someone who without a doubt makes me feel good and special. Someone who shows me love beyond what they get out of me. More than just a token nod or bullshit statement out of their mouth.

At the same time, my mind is brandished with how it all tumbled down. How the abandonment was swift and blind-sided. How there was no warning or any discussion of the issues that made him feel that needed to distance himself from me. Same setup as someone different over a year ago. No reason given, no explanation presented, just disappeared for a year and then randomly out the blue, boom, pops back up. Offers his story and apology, pleads against my emotions and feelings that I had buried for him, asking for a second chance. Having conversation for hours to make sure that this was something serious, that it wasn’t going to be another game that would have a random and heart wrenching ending.

As hard as I tried and as much as I was guarded against the possible games to be played, it turned out to be exactly the same almost as the first time. This time after nearly six months of living together and experiencing difficulties together. Learning more of the deeper and more emotional parts of our past, bonding on what I thought was foundational strengthening, but turned out to be time filling bullshit. I can’t really understand why someone would want to do that to someone. Why would you waste time like that? Why would you want to expose parts of your story, that you claim are sacred to you, if all you intended to do was walk out randomly, with no warning, with no explanation, with no answers provided.

As crazy as it sounds, I really did all I could to protect against this outcome. I gave my heart to the relationship, I put my own flair on things, but I also made sure to not just completely lose myself in building a potential forever. I was not going to allow myself to waste my time if I could spot shit before it happens. And yet, I was unable to do it again. I was blind-sided yet again. I was turned away for simply being me, after being told that I was wanted for just simply being me. And here comes another man, different in every way from the first, but with the exact same kind of situation that the first man presented. He came along and was an amazing guy. Pushed me in some ways and I pushed him in other ways. We made a special bond over a 7 month period, only for him to run away, no notice, no reason given.

He stayed away for a year as well, only to return to my life and give the same apologies and regretful diatribe that the first man had given to me. I made a very intentional effort to let him know that I had just went through this exact same scenario a couple months prior and I’m not interested in having this shit happen to me again. The torment and anger that festered within me was deep and burning bright. I was trying to be open to this man, while also knowing he was just like the man I had to say goodbye to without understanding why. And here is where the difficulty and complexity comes into play.

I’ve made a history of telling friends and family that you can’t convict the next person for what the last person did. You can’t hold the next one accountable for what the prior person got away with. You can only learn and grow to not allow it to happen again, but you must give each person a fair chance. However, this seems to be the rare exception to that rule in a couple ways. This case involves someone who previously did the exact same thing as the first man. Nothing at all different about how they did it. The reasonings given by both men are actually damn near the same. Being in bad places mentally and emotionally. Needing to cleanse themselves and clear their minds of the things that they had been through and had going on.

Can you see just how challenging this is for me now. I want to have love and be loved. I want to have someone who wants to be with me for me. Who isn’t afraid to put their love out there to be matched by mines. Making themselves vulnerable enough to be loved and not so scared that they run away when it gets too real I suppose. The heart wants to be loved and it wants to be protected. It wants to feel appreciated and accepted. Dealing with this situation is immensely challenging and I don’t know if I can really go through with this or not. But I’m trying to fight the urge to pull away. I’m trying to allow this love to show me it’s different than the one before.

Anybody been through something like this? Talk back.. post your comments.. lets discuss..

There comes a point in your love life when your heart just can’t take anymore bullshit and creates the space for a hardened form yourself to exist, which can ruin the chances of you finding your special match that out there waiting for you. It’s difficult to turn away from that when you have had that love you give taken advantage of numerous times. Keep in mind, it doesn’t mean that it happens the same way each time. This is a case where different people inflict different types of hurt that cause you to want to stray away from seeking love and finding happiness with a special someone. Maybe there is solution and maybe the solution is just the one that you present, but either way, let’s see if we can determine how to let the love live without killing you inside in the process.

We all know the addicting and powerful effect that love can have on us as people. Our hearts yearn for that acceptance and togetherness that being in love brings. It allows you to see past flaws of one person to get to the core and heart of them instead. You want to allow yourself to be vulnerable enough to allow someone to touch the parts of you that you reserve for someone that you truly feel is worth that experience. You anticipate having someone that you share your inner most thoughts with, someone that knows the deep, dark secrets that you hold so close you will go to your grave with them, be it not for that person you love. All of these things and more you want to experience with just one person, and when the person you think is that one turns out not to be, it just depends on how you find that out as to how much of that burning love flame will die down.

If you have what is considered a normal breakup, you know arguments or just to many differences to work, then you accept that maybe that person was meant to open your mind to certain parts of life, but that ultimately they weren’t that one and you allow yourself to continue on the journey. You take the time to recover from the emotional scars of the relationship and set your sights on being ready for the next one to come along. Not knowing if they will be teaching a lesson, robbing your time and heart, or here for the ride until the end. That is what we all hope to have from the failed relationships, yet more often than not, that’s not what you get though. Now we come across people who have nefarious motives. They want their survival to be so big time that they are willing to lie and abuse the love you give in order to maintain their lifestyle and survival that it tears you down in the process.

You see it is this type of relationship that the path of heart hardening gets sped up like a runaway freight train. Because it exposes you to the toxic nature of users. They know how to talk the bullshit better than most. Always keeping you lured in with the whims of your desires and stories of past pains they’re trying to move beyond themselves. And just how much you’re helping with your open and honest approach with them. While, they’re “recovering” they’re using all your energy, love and maybe even finances to get themselves better. This person is dangerous because they can take you for everything if they play the long game. Or even if they don’t they can leave you feeling raped of all that you work hard to store and give to someone deserving. When it’s all said and done, you have that feeling of despair and you struggle to make sense of the how and why. How did they get over and why would they choose to be users. Maybe their past pain just permeates their mind and as the old saying goes.. Hurt people, hurt people.

It’s a damaging psychological concept, but one that has one hundred percent validity. The cycle of making someone else feel the pain you feel, is as human as the cycle of the hopeless romantic, willing to be open to love at all costs. They come from the natural instincts of people. One a desire to protect yourself and inflict hurt on someone else to free it from yourself. The other, to never give up on the idea of sharing life with someone. Not wanting to be alone all your life. That is where these two mind sets overlap in my opinion. They both want to avoid that feeling of being alone, so you allow yourself to believe in things or behave in such a way that isn’t as healthy as you should be, but it’s attempting to satisfy a means to an end and real logic doesn’t really matter right now.

Yes there are many different levels to being a hopeless romantic and a jilted or scorned lover, this writing is really looking at the more extreme ends of these dynamics. The individuals who because of the hurts and abuses suffered are either so willing to believe in love that they are willing to disregard the norms or guardrails that protect you, or the person that’s been hurt so bad or so many times that they would rather inflict that type of pain on someone else so that they can say it doesn’t reside within them anyone. Usually, the person that they inflict that hurt to is one who doesn’t deserve it. It’s the person that was sent to help them really heal and be better than they are, but they’re blinded and so the cycle doesn’t break it continues.

I sit here so many times wondering why have I been chosen by so many different types of men to be their hurt person. The person that they give their hurt to by hurting me because of their past pains. It’s not something I seek or even can say I allow. I just feel that everyone deserves to be loved and have an opportunity to have someone be in their corner without using them or expecting them to “do something” in return. The price I’ve paid has been steep. I’ve lost everything I’ve worked for in life before. I’ve lost stability and happiness. I’ve lost blood and tears. I’ve lost time and love. Having these situations happen to you, create scars that over time can heal, but also over time can really harden. They make more willing to accept being alone and they start to turn some of that sweet, naïve love into a form of bitter love. Where you will love but with an eye bent towards protection from someone instead of protection by someone.

Sadly these stories are written all throughout history and time. People being jilted by past lovers, rushing too quickly into the next situation and hurting that lover. Or, just thinking that they’ve sufficiently addressed the past pain, only to find out they haven’t and the next lover paying the price for the former. We know the stories and drills so there is no need to pretend it doesn’t exist. For all those, we have all those instances as well of people actually doing the work to heal and not letting the next person pay for the last person. But the point is this, pain causes reactions and emotions that we don’t know until it happens. The deeper the pain the more radical the reactions. The more unexpected the hurt, the more punishing the next hurt will be. Instead of being willing to hurt the next one so you feel better about the last one. Try to sit and make yourself really better, that way the next one might stand the real chance of being the last one. Because they could have been sent to give you everything you need and almost all of what you want.

Are you someone who feels that you have to have things go your way majority of time, or almost always? If you are that person, can I ask you why you feel that the world must revolve around you and what you want? And yes to some degree I understand that it’s a little self deprecating because, most of like things to go our way, or rather we don’t want to do things if it doesn’t have some tangible benefit for us. But I also think that more often than not, people are willing to cede that their way won’t be the predominant way when dealing with people and the battle of wills I suppose you call it.

Truth is, I guess it’s possible to have always have things go your way if your will is strong enough that you make someone bend to your desires. But I don’t think that it’s healthy, nor do I think it’s fair. I believe that there should be give and take in things, especially when dealing with love and relationships and real friends. You have to be willing to not have control of everything all the time. I think that is a bit selfish and self serving. It can lead to a lot of loneliness and isolation. The fact is that people usually don’t to feel like they have no control over things beyond just themselves. We all like to think that we have a say so in things that go on with our friends, family, and lovers to some extent. Whether you do or not, I think is very important for your standing within these relationships.

I have always struggled with dealing with individuals who think that the world should revolve around them at all times. Typically this is because I’m the guy who believes that no one person is that important that all things should exist when they say or how they feel they should. We all have the right to control ourselves and what we do without someone feeling like they’re being slighted. It’s an important part of self love to understand that you are always in control of what you want to do with yourself and life. Things will happen beyond your control, but the people you place in your life and the choices you make about how you interact with them will remain something that you can dictate.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who feels that you don’t enough for them or you don’t make everything about them, you need to ask yourself is this what you really want. If you love them because they make you feel a certain kind of way, but their insistence on being the center is part of the deal, consider if that love is really worth keeping. Why? Because in this situation you will always be second, not equal always less than. It has to be that way in order for them to always get their way. If you’re a person that is satisfied with that then you’re in the right kind of relationship for yourself, but if you know that you like being put first sometimes, consider if you are with someone who is a match for you. I think you have to really drill down on this too. If you’re relationship is one sided to where one person is controlling the activities you do and if or when you have sex, then y’all need to talk. Make sure there is balance to where control feels more even and no so one sidede.

You have to remember that when you give that person the controlling hand to dictate terms all the time, you are essentially setting the terms for your relationship. Even relationships have negotiations and posturing for what will and will not be accepted. The way to discuss them has to be direct but not too harsh. If you’re okay with telling your to have it your way, then keep it as it is, but if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable or feeling as if things are only going as one partner sees it then you have to really re-evaluate how things are going. There needs to be a harmony between you two. Have it your way is a recipe for failure, if there isn’t clear communication involved. If you’re the person who is having it all their way, if your pressed about why it needs to be that way, be open to discussing and not just shutting down.

One thing that seems to be obvious to me is that many times when someone who is use to getting things their way is pushed to make changes, it causes friction. Because they don’t know how to accept change or don’t want to accept change because it doesn’t benefit them. Those of you who fit this description, tell me why do you buck so hard when confronted with this reality?

As the journey throughout life continues one thing that you will eventually reckon with is your decisions and how they affect you in the present life that you live. I don’t think it’s something that’s meant to be a negative but it’s something that will make you look deeper at yourself, before you look at the person you’re with, if you’re in a relationship. If you’re single, then it will make you evaluate your choices before or while you’re considering your next love. This thought process and evaluation is one that has no timetable and in fact, can take quite a while to sift through. It pulls together the emotional highs and lows that you feel or felt. It presents goals achieved and failed. It reminds you of the things you said you wanted and still have left to accomplish.

What it does, if you’re honest with yourself, is it makes you be patient with the process of growing yourself and having patience for the partner you share your life with as well. Now to be honest, patience is not something that I’ve ever been really good with on the whole. In relationships I tend to have a quick trigger to remove something that I think will not work, and at times I have overcompensated and been too patient in situations where I knew the right thing to do was to leave, but I didn’t want to appear to be a quitter so soon. It’s a challenge that I’m sure many people struggle with, not just myself. It’s something that I feel is a result of not giving enough time for healing and self reflection from past relationships before engaging in the next one.

What happens is that your mind starts to really dig deep into where you have been, what you have been through and what you really want from what you’re doing now and where you ultimately hope to go in the future. It makes you have reason to attempt to try things differently if you really want success, because if you know prior relationships failed attempting things a certain kind of way, it would benefit you to try to do things a little different. What you learn about yourself will be helpful, either to the person you’re with currently or the next person that you allow to enter your world if comes to that. It is the need to say that you are flexible and not sedentary. To me, the person who is open to change and willing to accept that they don’t have all the answers is a person that can navigate the uncertainty of the mind.

You know I was watching something that said you have to have patience in a relationship sometimes. While that wasn’t news or anything new or earth shattering, the comment after is what gave me pause and has really had me in more a reflective and learning state as of late. The comment was, sometimes if you can get over the discomfort and struggles in the relationship, that person will give the best time of your life. That is what stuck with me more than anything. It’s the concept that sometimes you really just have to have the patience to allow for all the edges to be smoothed out so that the two of you can have the harmony and desires that you want from each other.

Something that I think is often forgotten is when you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you really don’t know what’s going on in their world, if you aren’t connected to them prior to you dating. The thing is most times, the person you’re choosing to be with is someone that hasn’t been in your orbit prior to the beginning of the dating/relationship process. So just like you’re dealing with past things and working on being a better you in the present and the future, that person could be doing something similar. They most likely are in a different stage in the process than you and that’s something that the two of you have to manage as well. Maybe one could help the other progress or the two of you work together if you’re closer to each other in your rebirth process.

It honestly feel uncomfortable to not really know how you feel or think from day to day. What I mean by that is, when you have a solid grasp on things, there is a consistent thought process usually. You wake up wanting to further yourself in the goals that you’re working towards. But, when you’re in the middle of changing and growing your mindset isn’t stable. It’s more scattered and it’s definitely not confident in some of what it feels or thinks. This is when that patience needs to be practiced more than ever. Because when you’re in this state you question things really easily, and you’re more prone to make snap decisions to want to change things because you see it fitting in with what you feel in the moment. That moment can last for a day or two or three and you have to have the discipline to understand that you’re changing and something that’s stable needs to remain present.

It’s hard because even as I’ve been writing this my mind has wondered from being confident in the thoughts I have regarding relationships. There is disconnects sometimes between the physical self and the emotional self. I yearn for sex with my partner, but I also try to be patient and understand maybe he’s at a different stage in his process and he isn’t feeling the sexual tension because he isn’t satisfied with parts of his life and sex is an afterthought because of it. I challenge myself to stick with it and go through the wave of inconsistency hoping that things square up and improve. Desiring for things to become closer to how it was in the beginning. When the affection was obvious and the intimacy was consistent. Hoping that with a return of those things, the physical, sexual activity will increase and the balance will be set.

I have always said that when you take away any one of the critical areas in a relationship you hurt the balance and create tension. It creates a feelings of uneasiness because things or something is missing. When you aren’t able to have a full and complete relationship, it leads to feelings of neglect and unwantedness. This is something that needs to be treaded upon lightly in my view. It’s also something that at some point needs to be discussed. When you’re going through your own person changes and reviews, you want to feel that your relationship will provide a stability that you can rely on, but the fact that you have two people who are making adjustments can make that not be a reality.

Undoubtedly, I’m sure that this is something that has occurred to others. Surely, these are things that people work through daily. It’s something that can be an easy quick fix, or something that can take time to overcome. There are so many things that can become attached to this. Self esteem issues can become part of the dynamic and lack of appreciation thoughts become more prevalent. How you work through these challenges will really determine whether or not the relationship lasts and sustains itself. The decisions that you make yourself and the ones you make together will really determine how you come through this uncertain time.

I’m sure if you read down the list there are quite a few blogs written about this topic, but I’m going to write about it again because I think it is one of the most underrated and least understood concepts in relationships. Just talking about the type of person you are, just telling someone about the types of things of you like doesn’t mean that you actually do them. Nor does it mean that it’s the end of the situation and because you said it, then it’s true so there needs to be no actions to demonstrate what you said. I think people get confused because when they are approached in conversation about the things talked about not happening, too many times the response is why am I proving myself or my love to you?

The truth is we all have to prove ourselves. Yes, you do have to show that what you is real. It has always been like that in all walks of life and in all things that we do. What it does is it shows that you are not just about talking about something, it means that you do what you say. It means that it truly is your character to act that way, not just talk. It means that you are dependable to hold true to what you say you’re going to do. More than proving your love, what you’re doing is proving yourself. We always know what the old saying is.. Actions speak louder than words. It is true all the times because anybody can say anything. You can tell me that you are the best athlete in the world, but if you can’t demonstrate that in a sporting event, then it’s just simply words with no proof.

Love is a lot like that. You can say that you’re a lover, an affection person, but if you don’t show that action then what does that really say? It means that you’re just talking, you’re not really that person because you can’t show the action that verifies what you say. If you say that you are highly sexual but there is no sex life, it’s scarce at best, then what does that mean in regards to your person? It means to me, that you’re not really that person. It means that you talk about something but you have no intention on showing this to be true. Actions and words have always gone hand in hand in life and they always will. If you’re the person who tries to push back against complaints of not being genuine to your words by saying, “Why I gotta prove myself to you?” What you’re doing is telling someone that you’re a lie and you just want to ear hustle. You know, use your mouth to get what you want, but not actually do what you say.

This type of person is one that makes being in a relationship complicated. Because on the one hand, we all love to hear the things that make us feel good or the things that we relate to, or that syncs up with us. So when that person tells you these things it makes you feel good, and while you’re still in the learning phases, you are inclined to believe them and give them the chance to show that they are that person. Yet, what happens when those opportunities present themselves and the actions don’t follow is you learn they can’t be trusted, because they aren’t being real and legitimate about who they really are. Again, actions show who you really are as a person, not just the words you speak. You must be able to show that you do what you say.

What will happen over time, is you will wear out your welcome. Meaning, people will sour on you because you say one thing and do another. You don’t follow through and that makes you unreliable. I can’t explain to people how much a lack of action leads to relationships ending more times than not. Sex is the leading thing that this shows up. A person talks on the phone or through text messages about being very sexual, then when the in person action comes, there is nothing that happens that verifies that. Talking about it honestly won’t solve the issue unless it gets backed up with action. This is true also when it comes to just affection and intimacy. It’s very to say that you like affection, but when you’re together, do you actually show it? If not, it usually leads to issues because nobody wants to be in a relationship where shit is boring and mundane. Where all you do is just have simple convos, or convos about days past, yet no actions that build memories and moments in the present.

If you read this and you can relate, I wonder which end are you relating from. Are you the person who has no problem delivering the actions and your partner struggles? Or, are you the person who loves to mouth hustle? You can talk a damn good game but can’t back it up with your actions? How fair do you think it is if you want real love, that you can’t show the love you talk about?