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Being Rough Can Make You Go Soft..

So listen I’ve had many different experiences with people trying to be hard and firm with me in order to prove a point or teach a lesson. And to honest most people fail and fail miserably; typically because I’m just not the type of guy who really responds well to that kind of tactic and also because if I don’t really have strong feelings for you, all you gone by being a “bitch” is close the door and I’ll walk away.

However, if you have my interest, and a piece of my emotions then you really can get a lot of this tactic. But you still have to know how to correctly blend the tough love part with the sweet conversationalist part. See I try to let it be known that I am a complicated melody. In order to get the right harmony out of me you have to stroke the right keys and listen carefully. Because while you may think you’re hitting the right cords and you’re in the pocket, in reality you could off just enough to see the other side of me.

I don’t try to do things to make it necessary for the hard ass approach but I guess there are times when I need a lil tough love to make me understand why I don’t always need to be so complicated, and maybe there are times when I need to lower my guard and just let that special someone in. You know I guess it’s true what they say, that once your heart starts to turn a little black, it takes a pure form of love to turn you back.

I’ve been in some situations where I put my all out there and was the nice, sweet, harmonious melody from the beginning, only to be destroyed and left to pick up the pieces. So now I have a style that makes the melodies a little harder to reach, it makes the notes more effort to attain, but once you figure out the right style for you to tickle my chocolate ivory to get that perfect sound, well…you’ve opened Pandora’s box and the sky is the limit for what I’m willing to do for you.

It’s funny because you would think that someone who is well seasoned in the life would be able to figure out how to be the hard ass and get what they want out of me…but the funny thing is sometimes its the person that you least expect to give that hard ass love, that makes you feel like you’re right where you should be.. I laugh so many times because only a person whose really close to me would know how to use this trick.

So yea, I’ve kinda given the playbook away as to the trick that could unlock the box, but once again I say beware…because like I said earlier in this blog, if I don’t no fucks about you the hard, rough line you try to draw will be the benediction line, and I’ll be saying in my head ” May the Lord watch between me and thee, while we’re absent, one from another.”

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The Tyrant Within..

You know as I’ve evaluated myself and the things that I’ve done throughout the recent past in my life I have to accept that for a period of time I was a tyrant to the likes of which I had never seen within myself. I never knew that I had the power to be as vengeful and wreckless to other peoples well-being and livelihood. I never realized that I could be so destructive and yet at the same time give off an air of innocence, pain and fear.

For so long I had operated with a mindset that the pain I felt inside was a result of torment inflicted upon me by a couple of figures from my past. And yes while there is some validity to that, there is also a truth that I was very destructive to quite a few people who tried to come into my life and help clean up the mess that was left behind from those dealings.

You know, you never really know how awful you were until you’ve come through the smoke and can see clearly what was behind you and around you. I am so very regretful for my painful actions. I pushed away many, ripped the hearts out of a few, strung along a few and never allowed anyone to really get to my soul because the black heart that tyranny fed off of was too big to allow anyone close.

For as much as I knocked those who hurt me, I must be open enough to admit that I hurt so many and I’ve had to confront that because some of those folks are still in my life to this day and there are times when we talk that I often flash back to those memories and realize that I was an asshole to the 20th power. I could control and manipulate a situation so strong that I would the person questioning why they had a problem with me in the first place.

And yes I’ve often wondered why there are so many who have said that I was and am an intimidating presence. To say that I have the total package is understandable but at the time I was with a couple of these people, I had nothing. I was trying to rebuild and really only had my looks and my personality. What I really realize now is that the intimidation came from the overpowering presence of the bully and tyrant in my body.

While none of the people whom that side of me affected may read this blog, I am a big believer in paying it forward and putting things in the atmosphere and they somehow have a way of completing the intended task. So I guess the lesson in all of this is.. yes you can be hurt and in pain, but also be a tyrant to others as well.

#peace #innerstrength #strong

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Is Sex Really Just Sex…

I’ve often heard Pastors and some in the Medical community articulate that people who have a lot of sex are trying to compensate for some sort of pain or have a lack of self-esteem. While I think that there some validity to that opinion, I also feel like sometimes it’s just the case of a person really liking sex and wanting to explore their sexual beings more than trying to get over a painful, emotional breakup or a lack of self love.

As one of those people who’s has more sex than I ever thought I would at this age, I can say that I truly fit into both of these categories to be honest. There are times where I’ve had sex because I didn’t really feel good about myself and I figured I could fuck the pain away. There were other times, and most often, where I just liked having sex and found people who had great dick or ass, or both, and I wanted to just enjoy those experiences without having to worry about the emotions that are usually attached.

But I’ve often wondered whether some people run to the sex argument because deep down inside they just really want the sex and don’t know how to explain it any other way. I  think about how everyone says there are these unwritten rules that should govern ones’ pursuit of a relationship. Like you should wait before you have sex, and if someone wants to rush straight to the bed then they really don’t care about you.

I wonder how folks feel about those who have sex on the first date. Is it wrong to want to hit it out the park the first time you meet? Is there truth to the theory that if you give it to them too soon that won’t be nothing left? Or, is it a case to be made that if you give them a sample of everything, they just keep on coming back?

I am a person who believes that there is nothing wrong if you choose to wait and go on a few dates before you decide to get in bed together. But I also believe if you want to smash after the first, second, or third date more power to you.

I also believe that sex to some doesn’t mean the same as it does to others. There are people who have learned to become emotionally detached from sex, for their own reasons, and therefore will have sex whenever they feel because they like it and enjoy it. There are other people who can’t detach the emotion and once the sex happens, typically can be hooked on that person because that’s the final straw to bind them together.

I honestly don’t know which is true, because as with the previous part of my post, I’ve been down both roads. I’ve fucked just for the hell of it and had zero emotions attached and I’ve had sex be the thing that pulled it all together and the relationship was sealed and formed.

Whether you have great dick and ass, or ya vagina is all that, I think that it’s always interesting to find out how people feel about sex and whether or not they will be hooked to it enough to be with someone, or whether a long term fuck buddy relationship is established. Where ever you land on this broad spectrum, I am one who just doesn’t believe that you can be lumped into one group or another. I think each person defines their sexual bravado based on the situation at hand. Happy Sex Talk

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Just My Take

I wanted to take a few minutes to give my thoughts about the recent events surrounding Ray Rice and his wife. I have previously spent time writing about my feelings on domestic abuse and how destructive and detrimental it is to relationships and communities as a whole. As I’ve listened to the conversations, had my fair share, and thought about it all, I will say that my view is slightly controversial but very well thought out. 

First and foremost let me say that I do not in any way condone what Ray did. I have seen the video and it’s very disheartening to see that he could not exercise better restraint and discretion to walk away from the situation instead of striking his now wife. That being said, it is my belief that this is not their first time having a physical alternation and I also think that without having full knowledge of everything that happened we don’t know if she baited and provoked him in any way to lose his temper.

While I am all for a man being raised to not put his hands on a woman, I am also all in favor of women being taught to not put their hands on a man, and more importantly to not provoke and bait the man. There is reason to believe that both of them are to be blamed for the situation because the honest truth is, more often than not, women are not raised to truly respect their partner the same way a man is.

See if you’re a man, you’ve heard it from your mom, father (father figure), friends, and family alike, that you do not hit a woman. But is that same emphasis put on women to understand that putting your hands on a man, or provoking a situation is just as wrong. I would submit that we don’t see that. If you need proof look at so many of our young teenagers and kids today. So much more you’re seeing girls bullying boys, primarily because that little boy has had it drilled never to touch a woman.

Well let me say that I do not and will not agree with the premise that just because you’re a man you don’t hit a woman. I firmly believe that if a woman wants to act like she’s bad enough to hit a man or get in his face and act as though she wants to fight, then she needs to be ready to shoot the five and accept responsibility for the consequences. See nobody was screaming domestic abuse when Solange was beating on Jay Z in the elevator. In fact it was laughed at and made fun of. 

The rumor mill was swirling about if there were issues within his marriage and Beyonce`’s sister was standing up for her. The double standard is ridiculous and I’m sick of it quite frankly. The only difference is Jay Z knew if he did anything remotely physical to her, it was going to be all holy hell. If you want to start to curb this epidemic of domestic abuse, it will start with holding everyone accountable. It will continue with making sure real and consistent counseling is available to both parties. It will have to include raising up boys and girls to men and women who understand that putting your hands on someone else in a physically violent, abuse way is wrong. Whether you’re a MAN or a WOMAN it is WRONG.

#Just my take

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Damn That was Good…

So listen I have to be honest, there is nothing more that I like sometimes than make-up sex. I’m not sure if its the emotion, the passion, the releasing of the anger or all of the above, but there is something special about being able to have a steamy sex session after there has any type of tension, be it intentional or not. U know I know quite a few people who look forward to make-up sex because they feel it’s a time when the sex is extra special. You know the person doing the fucking puts a lil extra force in the their stroke or the person taking the dick puts a lil extra into it to make the sex more pleasureable.

My question has always been why does it take for someone to argue with you in order to have the best sex you’ve ever had. Why can’t you put it down on a consistent basis in order to make sure that your man, or woman always know how good the dick, ass, or cooch is? I mean I guess I’m the type of guy that feels like every time we get it in, I need you to make sure you know how good it is when do it. But man, I can honestly say two of best sexual encounters I’ve had have been when its after I’ve had an argument with someone. 

I also think that make-up sex and break up sex is one in the same. You have make-up sex in order to get the good vibes going. You have break up sex so you can remind the person of what it is that they will be missing. Quite frankly the best sex that I ever had was break up. It was the last time that me and my ex saw each other and slept together. And in all fairness, it did give me second thoughts about whether or not I was doing the right and I know it did the same for him because he told me so after the fact.

I think it’s so funny that most everyone living has a make-up sex and break up sex story similar to that. I’m not sure why we feel the need to do that and it’s weird to think that you would save your best for last but I guess that’s apart of our nature to leave your mark where you left.

#What do you think.. make-up sex or break up sex?

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If Only I Could Go Back…

One of the things that I really dislike is when people are too caught up living in the past. Now I have to be honest and say that when I was going through some of my difficult times I often said If I could only go back to when I was.. or Damn I gotta get myself back to when I was… That right there was a defeated mentality. Because, the reality of the situation is that we aren’t meant to live in the past. No matter how successful and fun and productive the past was, it is not the present nor the future. It should be used as a point of reference, a source of inspiration of it was good and a motivational point if it wasn’t so good. 

The past is something we should not want to go back to because we aren’t intended to just be content living out of or off or the past successes. I challenge everyone to take some time and evaluate yourselves to determine if you still are hanging on to parts of the past because of the memories that were created. I often find it to be the reason why so many people, especially the LGBT community, hang on to old relationships that have reached their expiration dates. It’s that feeling that if only they can recreate the time and situation that led to the happiness that existed that the relationship will thrive. 

That to me is a very flawed notion because truth is as we get older and time passes we evolve and change. We stop wanting things that we use to seek and have a desire for something more in most cases. We aspire to have a sense of happiness and satisfaction and what we realize often times is that a person who made us happy in the past doesn’t make us happy now because they haven’t evolved with us. And instead of admonishing that and moving forward, we spend so much time and effort trying to hold ourselves back or wishing for the days gone by so we can keep that person that has our hearts.

The person that you will be with is one who grows along with you. You may not reach the same points at the same time but the work and effort and time put in will reflect someone trying to grow themselves much like you. I’m very proud to say that once I figured that out a lot of things became easier. While I realized I lost some people and let some others gets away because I was stuck in an old mind set, I was thankful that I had grown to accept that the best is always in front of me and I will always be better today than I was yesterday.

#Get out of the past…Sometimes you have to be ok with giving someone the benediction. 

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Raise Your Closed Fist…

It is often said that violence begets violence and I am a big believer in that. In any type of real relationship no matter how much you argue and have disagreements it should never culminate in ya hands being balled up and fists being swung. No weapons should be used, no hair should be pulled, no kicks should be fly. I hate the fact that in the Gay community soo many women and men allow themselves to be victims of domestic abuse and justify the actions as acts of love or proclaiming that the person must care for them because that violence is some how a simblence of affection.

I think its stupid and it’s a state of being imprisoned in a mentality that pain is love. I do believe that there is an element of lack of self worth that allows the person to stay in a violent relationship. There could also be elements of fear and the reality that the person doesn’t feel like they have no where to go, so they feel forced to stay in the situation until they can do better. Even if you’re fighting back and the both of you wind up with battle scars, does that in any way mean that love is any more real or strong?

I truly believe that once a fist gets thrown and other forms of violence occurs it will never get better, it will only get worse. What happens when they people get more enraged and instead of throwing hands, someone picks up a weapon? A knife, a bottle, and of all things a gun.. For as much as I’m in favor of play wrestling and slightly aggressive behavior in the bedroom to make the sex a lot more interesting and passionate, there absolutely is no room whatsoever for someone to think that they can put their hands on me and I accept it.

I can speak on this from a position of first hand knowledge. I have been in a physically violent relationship and I know how hard it can be to get out at times and how easy it is to trick the mind to justify the actions by any means you choose. Having said that, I also know that when you get tired of the fighting and you feel yourself pushed to the edge where you contemplate killing the other person, that is definitely when it’s time to go.

You should never allow yourself to feel so low as to stay in any situation where your safety is in jeopardy; because I promise it’s not love. Love might make a nigga yell, or push you away, but it won’t make them throw their hands at you in any harmful way. 

#No violence zone…

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Baby… I L*** You…

Ahhh another favorite of mines to talk about and discuss. The ability of someone to say I Love You and do you really know what it means when you say it.I don’t know if there is something that more people disagree on is how important it is tell the one you with I Love You. And then the other big debate is when should say it? Is there a certain length of time before it becomes appropriate? Is there a certain number of obstacles and challenges you’ve been through together before saying those words would be acceptable.

I guess it also depends on the context in which the words are said because in reality we have different types of love for different groups of people. Folks that are your very dear friends and family you love them too but its not the same kind of love and you probably can say it with less thought, although I would submit that you need to be fairly cautious of when you say that to friends, more so than family, because you need to make sure that that friend really does deserve the right to have your love in that way.

The real meat in this discussion is when is too soon to tell the one your with that you love them? I’ve heard some folks say that it’s not about how much time that passes, but more about what situations happen during the time that allows you to say I love you. Is there such a thing as falling in love too quickly and you really wanting to be loved so badly that you will lower the bar for being in love enough to tell the person you love them. On the flip side of the coin, if you’re the person who tends to take a long time to let those words come out why is it? Have you been hurt in your past for uttering those words too soon? Has someone taken advantage of the fact that they know you love them and exploit it to their benefit? Or could it possibly be that you just truly have a firm understanding for what it means to tell someone you in a relationship with that you love them and you don’t want to play around with those words and its meaning.

To tell your lover that you love them and to mean it, means that you are ready to make the necessary sacrifices in your relationship to make two lives merge into one. You are willing to stand by that person when they’re sitting on top of the world and when they’ve fallen to the bottom if it happens. It means that you are willing to take care of them when they sick and not run to the streets to find some dick, ass or pussy to fuck while they recover. It means that if they’re grinding to make life easier for the two of you and you are fortunate to not have to work, that you are pulling your weight around the house to make sure when they come home they’re hard efforts are appreciated.

See to say I Love You is more than just so you can fuck the night away or pull the strings of emotion of a person. It is actually the words that activate the process to work towards forever and to give yourself to your partner and them give themselves to you.

#Does love always hurt? #Real love don’t bring pain, just challenges…

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Ooo.. I Think You’re Cute..

Is flirting considered cheating? I’ve had about as many arguments as I’ve had civil conversations about whether or not flirting constitutes cheating. This is one subject where I’m a little bit conflicted, because being a gay man, I’ve harmlessly flirted with women for years. I mean I will be extremely transparent and say that I don’t get turned on at all by a woman so flirting with them for me is just for fun. Where I have a little more of an issue however, is when it comes to flirting with another man. 

Yes gay men know how to flirt so smooth and easy, but also can be very blunt, overt and somewhat messy at times, depending on who’s doing the flirting. I have a very genuine respect for the person who says that they don’t like any kind of flirting by their significant other because they don’t like it and feel that it opens the door to all sorts of opportunities by someone else seeking that time and attention. I also respect the person who says that they are comfortable with themselves and their lover and if it’s just a little harmless flirting they don’t really care.

But I think that does beg the question: How much is too much? And this is where the whole divide begins and seems to take on a life of its own. Is it a sign of insecurity if you get caught in your feelings because someone flirts with ya boo, or if they flirt a little with someone else? Is it a sign that you or the other person aren’t really happy at home or are you just acting on your natural instinct to be engaging, personable and flirtatious? The confident man in me says that if there is a little flirting done by my dude or person I’m dating, I don’t become offended unless i feel like it crosses that threshold and becomes more intense and intimate. At no point should phone numbers or kik handles or twitter handles or Facebook handles be exchanged, because that is when I think it will carry too far and become something more than just a little flirting.

While I can honestly say that I have flirted and been flirted with while I’ve been in relationships, I have always made it clear that home is a happy place and nobody can change that unless I want them too. And to that end, I have usually held my poise when I see someone flirting with my dude, because I actually see it as a badge of honor that somebody else is tryna to get what got.. especially when they try to do it in my presence and my dude thanks them but politely says he’s not single. Being on both ends of watching it happen and having it happen I can say that as long as that trust there between the two people I think a little flirting keeps things healthy and fun.

#You look nice.. Do you flirt?

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Settling for Less…

The most confounding thing to me is trying to understand why so many people allow themselves to be content with mediocrity and be with someone familiar, rather than step out and meet someone new and find that right one. While I have to say this happens for both sexes and in all communities, I see it happening far too often in the LGBT community. It’s like many of us think that we don’t truly deserve to be happy and that we have to settle for the person we’re with because we’re too busy latching on to the past and not focused on the today and the future.

In my view, a big part of the reason why we do this is because we second guess ourselves, don’t have the confidence in ourselves and quite honestly are very lazy and rather try to keep making a failing experiment work as oppose to allowing yourself to find someone new. Good men and women are out there and I really don’t know why people would want to waste months, years of their lives trying to make someone into who you want them to be or to make them love you, when there is someone out there who will do it all willingly.

I’ve always felt like sometimes we try too hard to follow the anecdotes of teachings from our parents and we take too literal some of the most common cliches. The reality is, yes you do have to fight for what you and want; and good things don’t necessarily come easy. But, the other reality is that you should never have to sacrifice yourself or your happiness to really have someone you want. Being able to be happy with yourself is the most critical element of knowing when it’s time to move on. 

See I feel that too many times people hide behind love, or the oh so common ” we got history” to stay in what really amounts to a dead situation. One of the things I have come to learn is that if you really want to see if that person you want wants you back, you have to be able to show that you can let them go. You have to let them chase you. One person should never do all the work in the relationship. It is true that the best relationship have elements of the unknown in the sense that at any given point in time you must be willing to chase each other until you put a ring on it and settle down.

As I will always say and believe, I never think that a successful relationship comes without great effort, some sacrifice and a willingness to take the time to learn. But, it never come at the expense of your self worth, of your ability to choose to stay or go, or on what was. The past is just that, a memory that cannot and should not be used to justify your misery with someone; yet, it should be used to form the bond and set the expectations. 

So ask yourself this question… #Are you settling for less??