Talking out both sides of your mouth eventually will get you roped up. Being a grown nigga means being responsible for the shit you say and do. What is point of always saying you’re so grown when you don’t walk the talk every day? To use the excuse that you don’t want to have to be honest and accountable is laughable. That’s not grown or being about yo shit. Tell the truth, always. Why would you need to conceal what you doing unless you know the shit left and you would be looked at funny.

Tell the world that right now it’s about you having fun and enjoying the youthful part of adult life. All that is fine. To say that you have trust issues is a real thing and I can accept that. Problem is the way you moving is not like that either. You carry it like you know you look good so you can do what you want. And that may be true. But don’t forget the other side of that coin too.. I look good too and I can do what I want. I give respect and I expect the respect to be given back. If you have a problem being respectful, then it’s time for you to go. In a world filled with unrealistic, fake, and fucked up ass people, you take one who is genuine and real with you and you can’t even show the necessary respect.

I found myself last night listening to someone on the phone talking to their ex, no big deal, about the next nigga, big fuckin issue. Compound that with the night before, you decided to have another conversation about me and you continue to use to bullshit ass excuse of It’s awkward, I can’t explain it. Let’s address each part one by one. I don’t care that you decide to talk back to your ex. Even though you spent plenty of time telling me how awful of a person he was. You did give him credit that he helped you out when you were lacking. But you also made clear that the shit y’all went through was toxic as fuck. You also told me you blocked him and cut him off. Now all of a sudden you back talking all the time. You calling him at 3am to talk about what exactly? While we laying in the bed watching a movie. Was that your way of being petty to get me off you? If you felt that way all yo had to do was say something. But, you wouldn’t because I had been laying on for a lil minute and you ain’t have nothing to say.

Now, why you felt the need to do all that at almost 4 in the morning, I don’t know but that really started the issues. Then you sit and you read out loud the fact you fuckin on the next niggas and explaining the situation with you and him to the ex. Why the fuck do you think that makes sense to do while you’re laying in the bed with me. Yes, we know we’re not in a relationship. We know that it’s a situationship, so why the fuck would you wanna have that conversation laying here with me? To add a little extra sauce to the dynamic, why the fuck are you here at my house? Because you want your freedom from the place you stay now? I’m not your fucking safety net from your life. You so grown, keep yo grown ass over there. Have all the conversations that you want with whomever you want. Oh, that’s right, you’re the secretive adult. You say you don’t want anyone in your business to that degree. You tell me some of the truth that you want me to know about what you’re doing, but you ain’t gone keep it bean with me. You know if you do thar yo ass ain’t gone be here. Well the truth is already sliding out and the facts are being litigated. You will not be here as much.

Now to this conversation you decided to have the other night about me. You wanna talk about me, but tell the nigga the real about me too. I’m chocolate and handsome as fuck. I don’t look my age at ALL. I have plenty of motion and swag to me. I choose to keep shit simple and easy right now. I am more than capable of taking care of you, if I wanted to or had to. That’s relationship shit, not situationship shit. You really showed your immaturity and fuckness that night. Because we’re in that store and I couldn’t really get right with you then, it slid for a second. Early this morning thou, I got in your ass and I meant every fuckin word of what I said. You will not sit, lay, walk, eat, shit, shower, in my fuckin house and be waxing on about the next nigga or other nigga, whatever you wanna call it. I don’t give a fuck about you saying you wanna have fun. If that’s the case, have all the fun you want at the place you stay. Ain’t nobody forcing you to come over here. Ain’t nobody asking for you to come here if we keeping it honest. You keep asking can you come over here and lettin me know that you wanna come back. I get it you say you need your space and peace. Well imma let you have all that, away from me. You can sleep on my couch too if you want. That will make it comfortable right.

Because according to you it’s awkward with us. But not too awkward for you to lay in my bed every night your here. Not too awkward for us to fuck for month. Not too awkward for us to spend hundreds of dollars on each other for Valetines Day. Not too awkward to go on dates for months. Not too awkward for you to show me off to your family and close friends you have. Not too awkward for my name to always be in your mouth. Not too awkward for you to have your personal shit sent to my house and keep some of your shit here. But you want to keep running on this fuck ass idea that there is some awkwardness that still exists. Nigga don’t keep playing in my face. Because you play pussy you get fucked as my old teaching mentor used to say. I gave you more than enough rope and I allowed you to have the access you did because you hadn’t given me a reason to restrict myself from you. The bullshit from the past couple nights have changed that calculation. Like I told you last night, we finna reset this shit. It’s time for you to spend less time here. Yes, I know it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna be a little awkward now because I’ve gotten used to you being around and you’ve gotten used to being around me. We did have our own little world we operated in. I could tell for a while you was fuckin with it. Why would you say you would’ve gone to VA with me last weekend if the ticket prices were lower. Not with the way you carried on last night. Do you know I would’ve got back to Atlanta, dropped yo fuck ass off and that trip next month would be the next time that you see me.

I know some may say well that nigga is much younger than you, why are you acting this way. Because I don’t cut no slack to a nigga, I don’t give a fuck how recent into adulthood you are. When you decide to fuck with someone significantly older than you, the expectation is you get the same treatment and the same standard level as anyone else. If that’s not something you can understand or rock with, then like I said, take ya ass back to where you live and stay away from me for a lil bit. It’s okay, we still cool. We still good, but now you gone have to open that wallet more. You gone be responsible for your shit even more. We not gone have all this sweet and rosy shit around. The first time you fuck up my respect that’s on you. The second time you do it, that’s on me. I swear on me, there isn’t a third. I get it. To the eyes of many they will say you knew this would happen, why put yourself in this position. My response is, because he showed motion early and kept it consistent. I wanted to do something a lil different and see what the outcome would be. Turns out, it’s just like the rest of the shit. Can’t give a nigga nothing in Atlanta. He’s already showing he gone be just like the rest of the Atlanta vortex gays. Willing to be petty and talk about folks regardless, because he wants to be with the in crowd.

Funny, when we settle into what we do, you talk like a nigga who really wanna be around me and be in my space. But, when you get them other niggas in your ear and/or your friends, you quickly show that you still have a lot of maturing left to do. It shows that you will sway with the breeze a little more than I thought. And let me give you plenty of credit, you have a lot of maturity to you as is. You take the punches life throws at you and you navigate them better than most who are 10+ years older than you. You listen and take advice well when managing life. Clearly, you had/have feelings for me but, whomever is in your ear encouraging you to see what else is out there, I see you’ve allowed yourself to listen to them. I heard you when you said you don’t think anyone in Atlanta can be faithful. You said you would never have someone to yourself in this city. I disagree with you. I think if you find someone that really wants to fuck with you and you choose to fuck with them, then you can have that. Only if the two of you really want that life. If you believe in each other and get wrapped up in each other then it works.

Today begins the next phase of this situationship. One that brings less time and less energy for each other. I think you need to be free more to have fun as you say. Vibe with whomever you want. Make the connections you feel you need or want to make. You will do it with less of me though. I don’t respect you as much as I did. What you did in my face this morning, that changed how I saw you. I’m grown enough to have enough respect for you to let be here for the next couple days. When you go home on Wednesday though, I don’t think I wanna see you for a couple weeks. I need space and time away from you. You need space and time away from me. I have given you nothing but respect since I met you. I’ve been nothing but considerate of you while you’re in my presence. Twice now, you’ve pulled me out of character because you wanted to show your ass. You knew the fuck shit you did was wrong when you did it. Maybe you didn’t think I would say anything because we talked and you said you just wanna have fun. That conversation has been had a couple times, and I’ve always said to you keep the other shit you do outside my house. And for you to acknowledge that I said that you and you still decided to do it anyway… Yeaaaa I’m definitely looking at you different now.

All that heat off my chest let’s get to the softness and heart of the situation. I gained a lot of respect for you over the past four months because of how you carried yourself. Because of how you showed me your maturity and your heart. For being honest with me, to a point now. I bonded with you because of life and the circumstances that happened. It wasn’t expected or forced. It was by chance of life and I accepted the call that life threw out and apparently you did too, until you didn’t. I don’t know if the age gap really sits in your mind. Maybe you feel a way because you can’t post me on your socials the way you want because I’m older. Maybe you’ve talked to people who know me or have fucked with me and they’ve given you a different opinion to think about, I can’t say. I know that we both understood the assignment when we accepted it a few months ago and rightfully you decided you wanted to pivot. I accept that and I don’t hold a grudge for that. I do hold resentment for how you’re now managing this situation. You’re showing me something I didn’t expect to see and that you never showed before. The first time you did it, I decided that I needed to get in ya ass about it because I had to set the precedent that I’m allowing that shit. Single or not. New or not. You ain’t gone be in my house on the phone with the next nigga. And some fuck nigga at that. You heard and understood that message. You haven’t done it since.

What in your head made you think that it was cool or cute to be talking about the next nigga you tryna build bonds and shit with on the phone in my face? That’s the same fucking thing. I don’t care what the fuck you try to say. None of the shit makes sense and it points to a willful desire to ignore me and disrespect me in my own house. Now I know you didn’t think it was cute because as soon as you got on the phone with the nigga you quickly grabbed your ear pod so you could have the conversation. All the other conversations you were quick to have on speaker phone. And it seems to me that your ex is the problem. Ever since you started back talking to him again, your actions have become more hoeish than when you cut him out. Says plenty about the examples you allow yourself to talk to. I guess the fuck shit always has the most attention over the real shit, huh. A real nigga knows that coming in someone how and talking about the next nigga you fuckin and laying up with, while being laid up with someone else is trifling as fuck. It’s trashy and faggot like. Then you have the nerve to be on the phone with you brother this morning and pretend as if shit cool. Yea he felt the energy off too. Ain’t nobody dumb bro.

I know, I keep going in and out of niceness lol. It’s a true reflection of how I feel about all this shit. I really don’t feel the same about him right now. My energy for and towards him isn’t the same right now. He really showed his ass in my face and I feel like I have to teach a lesson. Whether it be tonight or Wednesday night, when he goes home it will be a lil minute before I want to see him again. Let’s make sure that all the important business is handled before he leaves here. Honestly, I don’t really want an excuse needed for him to come around me for a lil bit. Yes, I say all this now knowing that it could change before the day is out. It could change before we get to Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. It also could stay the same or get worse. I’m playing all of this through my head again as I’m fully awake and it’s not the middle of the night anymore. When it all happened, it was late as fuck and I was really in a wind down, chill mindset. Now, I’m up and my mind continues to race about what was said and what happened. I had someone lay in my bed looking dumb as fuck in the face, trying to justify himself. First trying to pretend like he didn’t know what the fuck I was talking about. Only to finally be real and admit he knew what the fuck was going on. Then pivots to IDK why you acting like that, I said I was having fun. Nigga have fun out of my house. Have fun away from me. Have fun without being always in my presence. Have fun with the nigga you wanna spend time with. Have fun and let him take you around. Have fun and let him get you to work and to your appointments. I’m okay with that honestly. Knowing that it would be an adjustment and knowing that means limited time together, it also allows me to distance myself from him and get back to holding my own energy without worrying about someone else’s primarily.

So here we are. On this dreary day, I find myself uncertain of exactly how I want to move with him. I know it’s not that serious to not really say anything at all to him. I also realize it is serious enough to not say shit to him for a while. The first time we went through this, his realization happened after we were already on the way back to his place for me to drop him off. Before he called and asked to come back to my house the next day. This time, he gave a tacit acknowledgement before we went to sleep, saying okay Xavier, I won’t do that here. Right, because you already know you was dead ass wrong. You know that what you did and how you did it was completely the fuck outta line. Call anybody you want and tell them that shit. Call anybody you want and let them know the entire situation of how it came about and what you did. We had a conversation once and I told him that when pitted against someone else for a man, if I really wanted him, I would get him. He said really and maybe that plays part in this too. He knows and wants to be the difference. If that’s your real aim, you’re going to lose. I don’t care enough to sit in a back n forth with a nigga over you. IDGAF if you just stopped or started talking; from what you said, I know enough to know this shit is very recent and I have to give you less of me. Less access, less attention, less focus.

He told me I love you first. Then he tried to qualify it and say like a best friend. Do I fully believe that? No, I don’t. And I don’t think that the other people who know about me do either. We all appreciate the fact that you say you’re not ready and you want to have fun, because you need to finish getting yourself together. That’s the claim that you made. As time continues to move though, I’m not so sure that I fully believe that either. It’s awkward because you want it to be. It’s awkward because you’re protecting yourself. I’m not stupid and I been understood it. I can’t make you believe me or believe in me. I can’t make you trust me and my loyalty to you, if we was together. That can only happen if you want it to. You claim you trust me with your business. You claim you tell me everything. I’ve been with you in the trenches, but I think it was too much too fast for you. We’ve done all these things and you’re either scared or that man got in your ear and you choose to believe the toxic ex because you’ve known him longer. No matter the reasoning, I see what I see and that’s enough for me to know it’s time for a change. And that’s what I’m going to deliver.

How this winds up playing out, I can’t say right now. I will say that my mind is torn between the rationalization that he’s young and needs to be able to freely see the world and the niggas in them. The other side is that he still needs to be held accountable for himself and his actions. Just because you’re free to explore, doesn’t mean you will do it disrespectfully to me. I’m learning to balance myself and temper my reactions for when the moment calls. Constantly blowing up doesn’t solve the issue and continuing to be nice doesn’t solve it either. The balance must be present to provide maximum effect. How you handle it the day after is equally important. No matter who you are, we all want to be free to do the things we like/want to do and not have to explain ourselves to anybody. I believe that you can have it that way. When you have your own, on your own, do all your own. When that isn’t the case, you should respect the person or people, you’re sharing life with. They don’t have to let you in their life and space, and you don’t have to let them in yours.

Today feels like a sit with me day. Which means, sit and think day. I want to do so much and so little all at the same time. Like every day. It feels like I don’t belong. It feels like I’m around and I don’t have people who truly just want to be around in the dynamics we’ve created. Always trying to alter them to favor them. Not willing to grow in the spaces created and allow life to dictate the rest.

Damn.. it’s been good lil minute since I revealed my heart. Let’s play catch up and Ian gone lie, this will take a while. There’s a lot that’s happened since I last truly sat down to spill my soul.

On a professional level, so much has changed. Some for the good, and some not so good. Taking it all in stride and figuring out the way through has been challenging, but ultimately, I think it will all be worth it, sooner than later. I took a promotion at the end of June and became a Technical Account Manager at the Practice Group level. What that means is I’m dealing. primarily, with high dollar spending clients. Also, with clients who are very knowledgeable about the software and specific business unit that I service.

There are definite advantages to being on a Practice Group team. There is a level of freedom and accountability attached that must be respected and maintained. You have to somewhat serve to the needs of your client, but the tradeoff is you get to have a level of autonomy that is enjoyable. There is a lot of bias that exists within this business unit. There isn’t a lot of true office variety. They don’t provide at work relief opportunities. They don’t provide any financial incentives for doing your job above and beyond. They don’t have a pay structure that rewards you for becoming a Practice level account manager.

There’s more to add but that’s coming in a latter post, more specific to just the work shit I’ve been dealing with.

Family-wise, life has been very difficult and challenging. I lost my aunt, my uncle, my sister’s momma, my cousin’s husband all since we last spoke. My family is still fractured from the actions of my aunts during the loss of their sister. The other truth is that my family still has old wounds that have existed since we were younger and they still have not been resolved. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen and I don’t know that it will happen any time soon. It’s a sad story to see such a powerful family torn apart because we can’t heal from our old wounds. Something that probably began during my grandma’s life and heightened after she died. That served as the split that seems to have permanently distanced our family from each other.

There have been efforts to mend the pain and at least bring some sort of family unity. Sadly, that hasn’t happened either. An attempt to bring us together blew up into petty and childish ass arguments. Just when I thought that we had a chance to better it turns out that we’re so fucked up. I hate it and it makes my heart hurt because I really thought and still think that can be a dynamic force if we can squad up and not remain so fuckin fractured. The sectionalism is pretty fucking crazy and I’m not sure what the solution is.. I truly hope we can find our way soon. It’s a family that’s in need of a lot of healing. Cousins, aunts, sisters, brothers, uncles and all. Good luck to those of us who really want to make this shit better. We’re in the minority and these strong-willed, stubborn women do not seem to be inclined to break the bullshit.

Personally, my life has been an interesting roller coaster. It seems no matter where I meet people, and what age they are, there’s this level of bullshit that exists and I think I’m either overreacting or I really am living ahead of or behind my time. I’ve come across some very interesting people and they all seem to revolve around the same bullshit. Niggas are good at giving the milk and not the cow. During my work trip to Texas, I met Terrence and he seemed like he would’ve been a good match if I lived in Dallas. However, as we continued to talk, I learned more about his personality and his beliefs. I understood that we weren’t really the chemistry connection that was physically on display when we met. Then there was MJ. He is from Detroit and again, early on the chemistry was pretty decent. We had good conversations and seemed to have a lot in common. Then the truth started to show and he came off as very crazy and weird. I think he isn’t used to dealing with someone who brings a realness to the situation that isn’t clouded in control or manipulation.

The ones who came after those two were largely forgettable and mostly on the same amount of bullshit as the rest of them. Good for a few good nuts, maybe an overnight visit or two and not much else. I tried to allow both Malcolm’s to show me how much they’ve grown and/or evolved in the years since I took them seriously. That showed itself to be much of the same shit. A lot of talking, but very little consistency and action. A desire to still think that there is a level of control or stature that they possess, when in reality they don’t. I think they definitely overstated their positions. They are good though for the occasional date and/or fuck. Sounds like a familiar pattern at this point right. There is Billy. I think he’s one that possess the potential to be more, but I also think there is a little fuck nigga sitting inside him that I’m not overly thrilled with. I feel like he needs to too prim and primed to get the best out of him. At the same time, I notice that he has some motion that I find interesting. I think it might be the best thing for me to think about spending more quality time with Billy to see just what he brings to the table.

That brings me to Pharrell. I met him in November, and life really took off quickly after that. We had this whirlwind set of life events happen that seemingly built a bond and foundation that could be the basis for something special. Yes, he is the definition of a YN and maybe that’s where all of this begins. Him being 19 and me being 41. That 22-year gap seems to be a larger impediment to him than to me. And for a lot of reasons, I can completely understand why it would be. very different spaces and times in life of where we are and where we’re going. To me though this is where the story starts to slide very left and the confusion, frustration, and manipulation resides. In so many conversations the theme is “I can’t explain it.” What is it that you can’t really explain. Is that that you’re truly captured by the gap in age and the opinions of the world about us? I know that I’m acutely aware that you look very young and you’re still young age wise. And me, while I don’t look 41, I still am and everyone will look at stare a little. Same time, why the fuck do you care. It didn’t seem to matter to you when we started fuckin. It didn’t seem to matter when you brought me around your family constantly. You could’ve made the choice to go do anything with anyone else. Why did you choose to stick around me?

There are signs and glimmers that he has a little more comfort with me. There is also signs and more motion that shows he’s found or is finding others that are closer to his age and probably relate more to him than I do. He is consistent in his belief that for now single and fun is the way to go for him. He references having some kind of trust issues and that’s not something that I can fix. That takes him dealing with those issues and also being willing to admit that everyone is not alike. No matter what anyone says, you can’t move to the next if you haven’t left the past alone. Having exes around isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, as long as there is a respect and a level drawn.

There is a lot of similarities between him at this age and me at the same age. I also see so many differences between us and that’s also normal and expected. There are different influences and life situations present between us, so it brings a different set of beliefs and values. One thing I’m very attentive to though, is the time we spend. While I’m okay with not rushing or forcing anything, I’m also not willing to be your play toy. Maybe I should really just be his friend. Much like I’ve done with Jaden. We’ve established a bond that does go beyond just the sex or the relationship. Honestly speaking though, part if it is tied to the fact I would want to be with him. For me that’s where I really have to do my own soul searching. Why am I so willing to be patient and wait for a young ass man who has a lot of life experience growth to have? What is it about him and this time of life that makes me want to be patient for him? Is it the right thing to do? The better question for me is, if I decide not to be patient. what’s the impact to our dynamic? The truth is a major one.

No matter what anyone tries to say, when you decide to put your time and interest in a person it sends and receives a different energy than when you casually fuck with someone. In a casual space, you’re more than welcome to be around and you’re more than welcome to share my space. However, you don’t get as much access or for nearly as long. I’m not in the let’s have shared fun mindset. I do that shit as a single man, on my own terms and my own way. Most of the niggas I wind up fucking around with aren’t the group fuck type either. They enjoy spending the time, having fun, quick fuck or enjoyable hours. Whatever we decide it’s ours to decide and not impeded upon. What that means for you is definitely less time here. I’m not going to suppress that just because you want your space from the place you currently reside. I can feel a shift in the energy just a little and I think that while I’m going to be a little sad to not share as much time and space with him, it will be for the best. I can clearly feel and tell there is a reluctance to fully embrace the dynamic that we’ve spent time building. I’m not sure how much longer continuing to hear I can’t explain it is going to work.

I do honor and realize that someone being so much older and younger than the other presents its own set of complications that maybe need more time to be addressed. The truth about that is I don’t plan to sit around and give you all this time to figure it out. You will need to do it and hope that when life circles back around, that the timing is right and I have the desire to circle back to finish the story. This is the price of what happens when someone decides they want to play the field right. You want to have the freedom to do whatever you, when you want and that’s your right. However, the trade-off is that you risk losing the depth of the relationship that you’re building. There is a level of focus that gets removed from you because you decide to live the life of discovery. And listen, I applaud the desire to have the freedom and independence of learning yourself and what you like. We all need that time and energy to do it the way that we see fit. What you don’t have is a monopoly or right to have someone waiting on or for you. If I choose to give time for the development, then that’s on me.. Once I decide to move around, that’s when the end starts to come.

Now the question of timing is what I’m trying to decide. When do I say enough is enough? When do I want to say that I can’t deal with the excuse of I can’t explain it anymore? Someone who sits and wants to control the narrative so they can ensure they have the transportation they need, which is what this seems to be, will only last for so long. How does this end? I’m not really sure just yet. I do feel like the month of April will be a very pivotal month. That’s where all the actions will come from. Birthday’s, trips, concert. It seems the instant bond and romance that began a few months ago is slowly starting to unwind itself. When will the chapter close, I’m not sure yet. I do think that’s gonna happen soon. I think and feel like there is a new situation developing and I must accept that my role is going to change. It’s not gonna be as exclusive or as enjoyable. I know what I know that’s the hard part. The lies on who you let fuck and what it takes. The lies on the pause on sex, when I find condoms in your pants when washing your clothes. There is enough out there to say that what you’ve been giving isn’t quite the full truth.

I want to know why should I keep allowing myself to focus on you? If I ask you, I know you’re gonna tell me that I shouldn’t and you’re definitely prioritizing the have fun and be free parts of life right now. I understand and respect your decision because it’s always been yours to make. At the same time, I can’t say that I’m disappointed. It’s really crazy that I have these thoughts and feelings about someone who is so much younger than me. I think that part of it comes from truly falling for someone just because of who they are. I didn’t care what you had and what you don’t have. I didn’t care about any of the semantics that make up the ignorant shit that people use for not associating with people. I really was just focused on the person. Who you are and what you bring to the situation. The thing that I’m trying to figure out with you is why are you so hesitant to allow yourself to get caught up in the energy that’s created. Let’s tell the truth about the situation too.. We chose to give the energy to each other, and then you decided that you couldn’t. I truthfully would like to understand why. We’ve had a few conversations and there is never a moment where you give me an answer of understanding.

Do we have to keep having these awkward days, nights and moments? The ability to talk to others with energy and life and clarity. But when we do talk, there is an inconsistency that shows itself and I can’t really understand it. Maybe I truly have come to the point and place where I’m not being chosen again. 10 years ago this happened. And the craziest shit is it happened with another Aries. My kryptonite again it seems. My sign is the best and the worst. We can make great magic and we can also create great fire and disharmony. As this story continues its journey, I can only hope that the way it began with peace and joy is the same way the transition happens. With peace and joy. It’s not going to be the easiest or most enjoyable part of this story, it is though going to be necessary. I think he’s doing the job of pushing me away from him on his own. There is and will be other niggas that get his attention. There is and will be others who look better, have more, and will do more with him on a level that he connects with better than you. Take it for what it is. Enjoy it for what it is and allow the journey of life to take its course. You’re known and talked about. You’ve been discussed probably more than you know. You also know that you are not the prize or the choice this time. You are part of the story that you need to find your place for you in.

The beautiful thing about growth, learning, healing and evolving is that you see the shit before it comes. You understand the trends and patterns, which means you are expertly adept at knowing the outcome before it ever happens. The trouble with that is you don’t believe it. LOL! And I mean how could you not. You’re never told that You know what will happen. When You pay attention, connect with nature, and plug-in to their energy, You know the outcome before it happens. I’m here to let it be known that I understand the outcomes and fates of those who try around me. I see what’s possible and I know what’s the truth. When I listen to that, I always have you figured out. We All are given special gifts or talents, that allow Us to be dynamic. When You listen to it, the world seems to be so simple and easy. When You get scared or ignore the signs life is giving You, then You make mistakes that become detrimental, if You don’t get rid of them. People will circle around in Your life sometimes, just to remind You of where You don’t need to be. To have a truly balanced life, You should be exposed to All types of people. If You don’t know what an Opp looks like, how will You know when they’re there?

Sometimes, people will fall into Your universe to teach You lessons. Other times, it’s to remind You of who You are. Then, there’s times when they come to show You, tell You, remind You, advise You, why You shouldn’t do things that run counter to Your success and whole happiness. When You forget to disconnect, You get reminded why You should. Once You allow nature to run the course intended, You will also find out if the seeds planted bear fruit. Things don’t always stay as they begin. You have to know when an Opp is masking as the truth and when the truth is masked as an Opp. Life isn’t singular, monolithic, one dimensional, black and white. Life is color, it’s unpredictable, it’s fucked up, it’s surprising, it dynamic! Always changing, never the same. People that started out one way, become something else; and folks who start another way, show up differently all together. The golden rule for me is never assume that You KNOW. Accept that you almost know. There is always deviation. Nothing is absolute. Which means that You need a variety of people in You life to keep You sharpe and on top of Your faculties. Be accepting and welcoming to the fact that You will know a lot of life and You will know nothing of life.

The Opp will sometimes mask as the real shit. They have a keen ability to verbally touch the titillating parts of Your inner being. The energy they come with is very pure, so when it touches Your senses, You immediately awaken from Your self-imposed slumber. Tired of the bullshit out here. The dumb acting niggas, the too confident niggas, the trash niggas, the trade niggas, the pretend niggas, the hood niggas, the street niggas, the smart niggas, the intellectual niggas, the facade niggas, the catfish niggas, the popular niggas, the sports niggas, the fem niggas, the trans niggas, the DL niggas, the discreet niggas, the exclusive niggas, the trap niggas, the country niggas, drug head niggas, weed head niggas, alcoholic niggas, butch queen niggas, drag queen niggas, fuck niggas, fake niggas, coke head niggas, meth head niggas, cheap ass niggas, savvy niggas, smooth talking niggas, rough niggas, school boy niggas, college niggas, college professor niggas, law enforcement niggas, administrator niggas, fuck boy niggas, clown niggas, star niggas, freak niggas, sick niggas, wealthy niggas, pretty boi niggas, sensitive niggas, soft niggas, hard niggas, mean niggas, sweet niggas, sophisticated niggas, simple niggas, dumb niggas, childish niggas, grown niggas, real niggas, humble niggas, deaf niggas, illiterate niggas, easy niggas, wrong niggas, stupid niggas, beautiful niggas, trifling niggas, artistic niggas, athletic niggas, faded niggas, porn star niggas, innocent niggas, guilty niggas, lying niggas, hurtful niggas, harmful niggas, hurt niggas, quiet niggas, loud niggas, ignorant niggas, church niggas, doctor niggas, lawyer niggas, entrepreneur niggas, broke niggas, hustling niggas, honest niggas, trustworthy niggas, loyal niggas, loving niggas, compassionate niggas, caring niggas, family niggas, individual niggas, selfish niggas, angry niggas, bitter niggas, petty niggas, ruined niggas, sexy niggas, rare niggas, common niggas, tired niggas, hungry niggas, overwhelmed niggas, scared niggas, powerful niggas, powerless niggas, lazy niggas, weird niggas, ugly niggas, cool niggas, intentional niggas, thoughtful niggas, passionate niggas, blessed niggas, honored niggas, tragic niggas, tremendous niggas, fabulous niggas, gorgeous niggas, boring niggas, energetic niggas, excited niggas, eccentric niggas, shallow niggas, lowkey niggas, sleepy niggas, horny niggas, empty niggas, full niggas, deserving niggas, undeserving niggas, tortured niggas, exhausted niggas, needy niggas, free niggas, bound niggas, jailed niggas, partnered niggas, cheating niggas, greedy niggas, settled niggas, happy niggas, sad niggas, thankful niggas, protected niggas, unprotected niggas, ungrateful niggas, grateful niggas, aware niggas, unaware niggas, unresponsive niggas, responsive niggas, responsible niggas, unresponsible niggas, misbehaving niggas, well-mannered niggas, secretive niggas, criminal niggas, preacher niggas, deacon niggas, slut niggas, virgin niggas, dead niggas, alive niggas, musical niggas, lyrical niggas, poetic niggas, jovial niggas, community niggas, village niggas, life niggas, shady niggas, short-term niggas, sneaky link niggas, beginning niggas, middle niggas, superficial niggas, materialistic niggas, twin niggas, curious niggas, inquisitive niggas, reluctant niggas, scary niggas, heroic niggas, giving niggas, aware niggas, high niggas, spiritual niggas, religious niggas, fearless niggas, black niggas, puerto rican niggas, jamacian niggas, blasian niggas, dark niggas, light niggas, brown niggas, foreign niggas, scandanavian niggas, mixed niggas, homebody niggas, outdoors niggas, club niggas, old niggas, young niggas, entitiled niggas, spoiled niggas, hardworking nigga, single parent niggas, dog lover niggas, animal loving niggas, earth loving niggas, acting niggas, serving niggas, dedicated niggas, big dick niggas, little dick niggas, long dick niggas, skinny dick niggas, fat dick niggas, lil booty niggas, plum booty niggas, peach ass niggas, juicy booty niggas, fat booty niggas, skinny niggas, fat niggas, muscle niggas, thick niggas, slim thick niggas, thunder thighs niggas, basketball niggas, football niggas, pretty dick niggas, ugly dick niggas, tall niggas, short niggas, average niggas, singing niggas, musty dick niggas, fresh niggas, dirty niggas, slutty niggas, whore niggas, tight booty niggas, loose ass niggas, wett ass niggas, dry booty niggas, shitty booty niggas, dirty booty niggas, musty booty niggas, clean booty niggas, fresh booty niggas, hairy booty niggas, smooth booty niggas, jiggly booty niggas, muscle booty niggas, soft booty niggas, creamy booty niggas, saggy ass niggas, masculine niggas, fem top niggas, masc top niggas, dominant top niggas, submissive top niggas, power top niggas, power bottom niggas, masc bottom niggas, fem bottom niggas, vers bottom niggas, vers top niggas, top niggas, bottom niggas, hung bottom niggas, bisexual niggas, pansexual niggas, fluid niggas.

Maybe it is the water. Florida, South Carolina, Georgia, all following the same trends. People in their states migrate and take their mindset with them. Altering the cultural and social landscape. There is a certain dominance asserted with a Florida boy. It might be a quiet dominance, loud dominance, balance dominance, submissive dominance, deliberate dominance or powerful dominance. You must respect that energy and be able to absorb and reflect it back. That’s where the respect comes from with them. Don’t let them run You over. Remember why they wanted you in the first place. You are that nigga. The energy, fashion, intellect, mentality, and look is put together. Growing and evolving always. Keeping fresh with time, never in a way to make Yourself look foolish, but always to remind them that You are always current. Setting Your own trend. South Carolina niggas… well they’re just talk and flash. They want You to think that they’ve got it all put together. Often times, they got a piece here and a couple pieces there, but You will be the dominant one there. The catch with them though, is they love affection, quality time, and being affirmed. When You speak their languages, it always an easy win for You. It’s difficult to sustain though, because they want You to be open, honest, humbled, calm, nice with them, but they don’t fully return the favor. Reciprocation is the name of games always in relationships. If you expect me to give you this version of me, then I expect the same from you. How can you not agree with that? Why is it even a fuckin discussion that has to be had? Like on what fuckin planet do you think it makes sense to say, hey I need to You to be this way and that way, but me Imma just do me. Fuck no! Wrong as a bitch!! We doing this shit the same way over here. If I give you what you ask for and I can’t get the same energy in return, I’m gone show you it’s best you leave. And the Georgia boys… that’s the catch. When you meet the ones who are from here, they’re some of the best guys, at times. Now some of these niggas, is just UGHHHHH. The transplants made the shit a million times worse. Now, everything is superficial and fake. How much can you use someone for. What’s the most you can get from a nigga because hey, why not? Time is money they say. If that’s the case, then nobody should get money. If You choose to give someone Your time, then You have paid them, and they paid You. Both of You sacrifice time when choosing to fuck with each other. I get it, You think that You’re the prize all the time. So, if someone isn’t on Your perceived level, You make them pay for just Your time. Now if they meet and/or exceed the criteria, then You become just as humble to them. I can understand and respect that. If you dealing with niggas in Georgia, pray that You get a quiet nigga, or a homebody nigga. They will cherish You. They will respect You. You just need to have the one thing that You suck at… Patience! These types are the opposite of who You were. Who You are, they are the perfect match for You now. Not needing to be Seen. Comfortable in their skin and happy to be beside You. Actually, walking slightly behind You. Not because they are behind or beneath You, but because You are the star, and they want You to lead and shine. Happy to be Your fuel to re-energize when You begin to get drained. If You find one, keep him. If You get lucky to find more than one, hide them! Take Your time and let the relationships develop naturally. The right one of the group, will naturally gravitate towards you.

What You learned along the way, is that age is so fuckin relative. The niggas who should be Your target are so scattered and weak. The ones who are accessible are damaged and need to work on them. The ones You desire won’t be found in this city, and if they are, they’re at a level that You haven’t accessed yet. Until You can, realize that the value is in the quality of the experiences, relative to the age of the person. All adults are different, and at different ages do we mature through life. Some get to have the fullness of life by times they enter their 20’s. An idea most niggas today would say is fuckin crazy. But the truth is, in this country niggas was having full lives by age 18. Kids, school, the military, the workforce. All that shit accomplished by age 18 or 19 or 20. The drawback is that they aren’t as wide open mentally oftentimes. being world experienced, and mentally aware aren’t the same things. Young niggas need to have life happen to them to understand why You live life a certain way. As they begin to understand that You see they gravitate back towards You. You are an example even through Your shit. They see a level of accomplishment, and they realize that You’re not done. You have more ambition and drive to continue growing, learning, evolving, and healing. The challenge for You is identifying who is/are the Opp/Opps. There are niggas in life that are here to destroy everything You have. Take Your peace, happiness, success away from You. Tear You down because they were already torn, or because they believe to come up You must tear down. They hide in the skins of loving, caring, affectionate men. They’ve been heartbroken before by one or multiple lovers. They’ve had an abusive past in one form or another. They getting back up and need help getting there. Those are like activation words for You. LOL. You love trying to help someone get their life together. That’s because You know the value of peace. You’ve been homeless before. You’ve been hungry, having not eaten for more than a day. You’ve had to walk everywhere You went. Having no place with Your name on it, but You can lay Your head. Living on edge because You’re so close to losing it all and having it all. It’s just a matter of time and the right breaks happening for You. That Favor shows up for You right on time. That always has reached Your heart, so You always find Yourself prone to that type of guy. And that’s why You must be careful. Because Opps are ALL in those ones. Waiting for the right Host to be the Parasite on. Draining them while getting themselves full. The right parasite will benefit You, while You benefit it too.

The lesson You learn is You can’t be the Host all the time. Sometimes, the parasites have to feed on others. Let them use their manipulative skills on the others. They feel, sense and appreciate Your realness. They choose to separate themselves so they can present themselves the right way for You. You set the standard and You enforced it without having to be mean, nasty, or harsh. You gave with a dominant grace. The messages were felt, delivered and respected. The absence and distance is because the respect is mutual, the appreciation is mutual, the feelings are mutual, so changes must happen for them to be realized. The beauty is that because of Your growth, healing, evolving, and learning, You know how to continue to grow that bond, fuel that fire, without being the Host and them being the Parasite. Learning, growing, evolving, and healing are beautiful. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary. It’s the reason that You could identify two Opps before they could get any closer. Before any more time was wasted. You listened and You followed the vibes/energy. Never being disrespectful in walking away. Always giving full appreciation, balancing your critique, delivering it with the strength, dominance, grace available to You. Moving forward is what must be done in all cases. Sweet niggas and smart niggas don’t mean right niggas. LOL. It takes the right mix, and I will never give away the ingredients, because they Always change.

Damn this shit really does feel good. Normally, after I’ve done these things, I sit in my thoughts. Questioning if I made the right decisions. Not trusting the instincts and gifts I’ve been given. Discerning the energy once I connect to the source, seeing the future path when I flow with nature, knowing the soul, once our spirits connect. Today, I feel good. After this, I feel released and at peace. Time to go enjoy a beautiful day!

What have You learned?

True shit… I have always struggled with the urges to be the savior. So many times, I came across people who were good at heart. Genuine, as much as one can be, when you’re struggling to live day to day. It’s relatively easy to catch someone when they’re down and build them up. Some would call them projects… LMMFAO! Until they paused long enough to realize they too, were now a project. They present themselves in many different forms. The social media lover, lol, always publicly in a relationship, which privately kills it before a foundation can be built. But, the chemistry is automatic. The sex is always explosive and intimate. Soo close to making the bond much stickier, every time pulling back for some unknown reason. Like our souls are saying now is not the time. Wanting to protect each other’s heart, as opposed to submitting the humid lust that permeates the air. And then it starts to happen… you catch him at the best/worst time. Ending the last public fuckuationship. Yup, I said it. Done for the ultimate benefit of their pockets, but he is truly a hopeless romantic at heart. Just be the right type and he’s going to do whatever you say. When you’re the right look, but the wrong type… you must catch him at the perfect moment. But you got to see why he’s so loved by those closest to him. His heart is pure. He will follow you because he will love you, but he’s terrified to give up the fast life. It’s what he knows best.

The sneaky link, that becomes a crush, that becomes a friend, that becomes…? Questions of how do you present to him? What do you really want from/with him? Are you sure you can handle the pressure that will come? But see, here is his problem… just like the one before, but on a much more lowkey level, he’s a popular man in the streets. HAAAA!!! But the two of you share an unspoken bond, a link that formed more tightly than you anticipated. Never expecting this, but certainly open to entertaining him. Can you afford the lifestyle? Better yet, can you pull him up enough and until he can get himself situated? If you can, you might just have found someone special… but it’s not that easy. You must balance chasing with being chased. The fearless king that wants it all, but really doesn’t have the foundation. Flying higher than he can smoothly fly. Desiring to experience the turbulence to gain the needed life experience. He presents the characteristics that you love in a man. He’s ambitious and determined. He wants to show his versatility thou. He wants to have love… not the kind that plays and toys, but the kind that sticks and builds something. Problem is, like I said, he’s not fully armed with the needed tools to succeed on your level, right now. With time and guidance, he can, and will be a dominating presence for years to come. Right now, he’s not right for you.

The new guy that arrives with his shit together. Career minded and focused but loves a good time. Desires your company. Enjoys your vibe and aura. Sees your potential just as you see his. This time there’s no need to pull anyone up. Both of you are career minded. You are farther, but he’s not that far behind you. Allow yourself to indulge in him. It’s allowable for you to feel the full pleasure of your hard efforts. The only problem here is that you live on opposite ends of the city. Wheeeewwwwww.. traffic much. LOL. Before, you wouldn’t really allow yourself to test these waters because he was too far. But he’s been to you multiple times now… Return the favor and enjoy yourself. Don’t wait too long though, he’s willing to be a little patient, but if you hesitate, he’s gone. What do you do? Cuz there’s also the typical type you have that someone else fits. LOL. He’s bright, college almost graduate, employed, and aspiring professional. Right down your happy ground. He’s comfortable in his skin, and it’s unique, much like you. He keeps himself busy and that’s the problem, right now. You desire more and he wants to provide that for you. However, he has college son at home problems. You must relax and allow this to breathe. Your ability to feel the moment and have patience has been clutch for you. Do you maintain this patience? Push a little and make the dynamic try to fit your perspective? The flow has always been best.

The nerd, butch queen is still ever present too. Learning how to respect boundaries at all times is a challenge. You’ve been doing what you don’t too with him because once you decided to explore him, you had to grow him to adapt to you. It’s challenging, but truth is it’s been worth it. Because he comes with himself put together in almost all aspects of life. He would definitely aide in your update and upgrade. Religiously wanting to keep you current, even though he knows your appetite for life will demand that you remain current and inquisitive. The energy always surprises. Learning the softer, mellower, yet direct, cutthroat you has been jarring. You chose to have patience, but you demand respect. You’re going to find out very soon, if you should stay or exit stage left. Mr. Smooth School boy is back again and not going away quietly. His problem is that he’s very green still. He needs to find himself more and fully understand his body. Can you sit around and commit to that? You understand his love and affinity for you. It’s beautiful and you appreciate it with all of your soul. The ability to allow two different belief sets spiritually connect and coexist is divine. That goes to provide that both are right. Two different, yet similar belief sets can be true, peacefully. Always appreciative for you. Enjoying your time and presence, not understanding that simply showing up isn’t enough. You want more, but you’re not putting more effort. Growth must happen, and you can’t make it happen. You must allow him to evolve on his own. The guidance thing again… LOL. What are you going to do there?

And then there are the three aces. Always have been put together and ready. Away from you though, and that’s the catch with each of them. Different people, different energies, different experiences, but all of them so dynamic that the second confirmation is given, EVERYONE else is DONE. I’m never sure when the day is going to come that one of them really pushes their cards in the table and take the leap to live life with me. All of them show me, in their own ways, how they receive my energy and understand the purpose. Not to just keep pouring into them, only to be used on them other niggas. That soon, very soon, the time will come for us to take our place beside each other. Ready, willing, desired, and able to take this life journey and live it.

All of these situations diametrically different from each other. None of them alike. All with distinct personalities. Fitting some part of my complex inner being. I find comfort in each of these men that cannot be explained. Allowing each one to disqualify themselves from the ultimate perch, while allowing all of them plead their cases. I watch and observe it all. It will never be enough to just physically fit my needs. To be with/around me, you must be able to touch other facets of me. I’m proud of myself. I haven’t chosen anyone. I’m eliminating and evaluating, some have already fallen off, others are regaining footing and momentum. Preparing to understand the terms at play. Dropping hints of their pending character development. Stick around and I’ll see what you share. Desiring now me to share, because that’s what his current need is. Is the allure of balance in the future the reason for his continued journey in my life? IDK, because even when everything stopped, there the both of you were. Continuously in communication with each other. Explanations provided when the time lapse was too long. Never overextending; now showing signs of wanting to extend from sparce to sometimes, expressing a desire for more. Proclaiming his presence when the crowd is gathered. How fuckin grown is that bro. Like, the nigga openly made it known that he wants to be around you during that time. No strings, no questions. Now, openly proclaiming his desire for more of you. Is it real or just like everyone else that’s not quite put together, is this a means to an end? Parlaying that affection for him, into favors for him. Not coming to you anymore, meeting him now. Monitor the situation, though it was acknowledged that wheels are down, so that’s played an even larger role. But, here yo ass stand.

In the past, I would’ve forced myself to choose one. Letting most of them go, holding on to the one or two I have the closest bond too. Losing out on possibly better because I want to play hero, and don’t wanna be patient to allow people to sort themselves out. Not anymore. Feeling the vibe, understanding the moment, setting the tone and mood. That’s how you stay dynamic. Always able to command attention if/when wanted or needed. Today you had the floor and you dictated terms to all. Remember who you are. Not who you were. Yes, they know who you were, and what you did. They also see you for who you are now. Giving you the shine and respect you’ve earned. Stand the fuck up, stick yo got damn chest out, and take a fuckin bow. Now, get on your shit. We’re just warming up. There’s a lot to do and be done. Time to go. That’s going to sift through them very quickly. New home, new start, new life.

Growth is a mother fucka. You have to do to be better. It’s never going to be easy, but it will always be necessary. The more quickly you accept that growth is painful sometimes, you will have the grace to endure it.

When I first started this journey again, to heal my soul, and to discover who I am again, I knew it would be a mighty fucking move. Requiring me to overcome years of trauma. Revealing the most damaged, twisted, painful, lustful, sinful, savage parts of who I am. In the course of one link, I blew his back out and then argued vehemently with him after. I’ve found myself in some situations and positions that never would’ve been dreamed of. The places I’ve allowed myself to be… to do some of the things that I allowed myself to do… Damn, I really had reached a new low that I never seen before.

To know the origins of this recovery, you must know the depths of the destruction. From being on top, thriving, succeeding, growing, evolving, flourishing, productive, accomplished. These were the plaudits being given to You, described You. No matter which end of the spectrum You were viewed from, everyone knew one thing, You were going places nigga. Determined to set the world on fire because You had arrived, and everybody was gone take notice. You showed your deft touch of life by smoothing navigating soo many worlds. You always lived in the Gay one, but you had a professional one, and a separate private one that needed attention, and if you fucked up how You operated the Gay one, well, You was fucking up Your life.

We had a couple instances of those. Relationships where they started with so much passion, fire, and success. Loving and lusting all at the same time, for each other, or so I thought. Before I continue that story, let me take you all the way back to the beginning. To where I was born, and I knew who I was underneath the cloak of “straight-male life”. I was 16 years old, and I met, who I thought was a girl, this dope ass person in a teen chat. Once I saw a picture of her, turned out to be him… WTF?!?!?!?!?! Then he begged me to stop firing off and let him explain. I don’t know why I listened to him, but his soft, soothing voice permitted me to ease the fire boiling in my spirit. Ready to allow this man to possibly expose a truth that’s been waiting to escape for as long as I can remember. He explained himself to me, told me who he was and where he lived. I learned we had a mutual friendship with someone well known in our community. I was scared as fuck then, because nigga WHAT??? This man is the living proof that I’ve been gay, and understanding of it, since I was a teenager. He was the perfect person for me. I gushed like a lil bitch every time we talked. He just knew what to say to me. How to touch my soul with the softness, fondness, and affection of his words. Even when we would argue, because he didn’t answer the phone when I called. Knowing that at our ages, calling each other was kinda crazy… well for me only I later found out. His family knew he was gay, and they loved him even more for it. His brother told me how much he liked me, but because I wasn’t out and couldn’t come out, at that time, I was going to lose him. He said I just needed to come see his brother and everything would be fine. Because his brother loves me and if I’m not scared then I should show up because that means I love him, and we would work through anything together. He even offered me to stay at their house, if my family put me out the house.

I was immediately struck by this terrorizing fear. I froze like a nigga staring down the barrel. Understanding his fate is about to be determined by this next move. Could he, or couldn’t he? Do you want to be happy… or do you want to be accepted? He told me he would tell his brother I called, and he would have him call me back. I was so thankful nigga. LOL. I wanted him to know just how much I truly liked him. Like over the time we spent talking, it was the most effortless conversations I’ve had in life. We waxed poetically like lil kids. Laughing and giggling, serious and honest, thoughtful and affectionate, raunchy and vulnerable. I never thought I could experience what pure, real love is at such a young age. The true definition of high school sweethearts. Just, we don’t fit into the “common America” narrative. So, to have this much love, we gotta hide this shit for now. Until we’re old enough to do this on our own, by ourselves. I remember his brother telling me that if I moved there, I would have to get a job, because no one lived free. But, I would be safe and protected there. Won’t nobody gone fuck wit me. They were a family, and the reason he was so protective over his little brother is because he’s super sensitive. He loves hard as fuck, which means once he’s with and for you, you got a rider til the wheels break off that bitch.

All the things I needed to hear, he told me. I was prepared to step out there, give up everything if needed, because I loved this guy. I just didn’t trust the roots. I was so fuckin scared. I’m just a fuckin teenager, what do I know? How am I sure this is even real? For all I know, this could be a scam. Somebody playing and catfishing, you know. I do all this shit only to be played and look like a Fuckin fool! Ok, let me back up, because there’s details, I’m leaving out that evens the scales. Right now, I look super fuckin weak, and that shit ain’t right. Truth is, during our late night talks he would always ask me to come see him at work. He worked at Taco Bell across town. For me, that was like a 20 min drive, not bad at all. Problem was he worked late night, and I couldn’t leave that late. My momma was the coolest moms, real shit, but she knew what was outside late at night and as the mother of a young, dark-skinned, nigga with man features in my hometown, nigga that was a recipe for one of two things… jail or dead. Well, the third was in fuckin, and she was worried about that, but not with who she thought. LMFAO!! See she was worried about becoming a young grandma, she didn’t know, who I prefer to play wit ain’t no kids coming biologically, we would need a third. HA!!!!! But I digress. LMAO. So, she won’t having it when I asked to slide out late one night to see him at work. I started asking a few times and she began to ask questions. I changed tactics, and instead of waiting late, I would go outside and ask if I could stay out til 12 or 1. Long enough to let him get to work, then go see him.

She blocked that when I wouldn’t tell her exactly where I would be going. And the one time I did, her eyes lit up and it was like I spoke the forbidden language or some shit. LMFAO. She said no, and that was that for me. I wasn’t gone sneak out because I just didn’t wanna be that kid. I love my momma too much and I didn’t want to be a teenage statistic in Va. He didn’t give up on me, but he started to move away from me. I remember the day we broke up. He told me that he just didn’t want to wait anymore. His brother told him everything we talked about that night on the phone. And he asked me “why didn’t I do it yet?” I told him that I really want to so bad, but I just scared as fuck. I could feel the hurt in his voice and the pain in his eyes, he sighed so heavy and brokenly said “I understand.” With that it was over. He broke up with me, told me that he found another guy that was open like him, and they lived close to each other, and he was going to move on. He never closed the door on me though. He told me where he would be if I ever wanted to be happy. I never went, and I never got my high school sweetheart. It broke my soul and my spirit so badly. He was exactly what I wanted in a lover. Sweet, charming, passionate, funny, smart, thoughtful, vulnerable, open. He showed me what heart looks like in a man. I never understand his magical pull over me. How could this person just speak to me like I’m the only person in the world who matters. We laugh about our days. Him in his ratchet school, being the fem kid that just dripped his own sauce.

I would tell him about the boring shit that happened during my school day. He would laugh and always tell me it wasn’t boring. He wished he was there with me. Because we would have the school talking. LOL. Lowkey, I wish he was able to go to school with me to. I know coming out with him would’ve been so liberating. Living my happy truth, with the love of my life. My desire to keep him a secret is what kept us apart. I know had I told my momma I wanted to see my friend. Tell her his name and what school he goes too and where he stays, she would’ve reluctantly said yes. Her reluctance not because he’s a male, she actually would’ve been happy about that. It’s that he lives in a questionable area. She knows what can happen over there and she would be worried about my safety. But, not wanting to shield me from life, she would say yes. I would have to let her know when I got there though. And when I’m on my way home. Knowing how the energy was between me and him, I would probably fall asleep every night and get in trouble every time. But that would start my momma’s clock in her head about just who this boy was. Mothers aren’t stupid and mines sure wasn’t. She was attentive to her son. Me consistently saying I wanna go to the same place, that’s going to draw flags and I wasn’t ready for that. The judgement and questions of it all. I couldn’t face that at 16. I wasn’t ready. I needed to protect this image because I needed to feel loved and accepted. Despite, feeling the real love an acceptance from him.

When we talked about music it wasn’t just rap and shit. It was pop music and female R&B. Never judged, always supported, cheered and encouraged. Express myself as fully as I feel I need to. Allow myself to explore my feelings and my spirit. He was everything to me. But I couldn’t out my head, and I lost him. Once we lost contact that was it. I forgot him, so I could move on and not feel the pain of no longer having him. I would keep tabs on him here and there. Always looking him up to make sure he was good. I remember looking him up when we graduated high school. I saw his name and his honors. I was so proud of that man. Living life his way and accomplishing shit people said he wouldn’t. That was the origin of me. That’s where this journey began. And the most recent travels and movements forced me to find my way back to where I began. This began the birth/rebirth of me.

The second stop on this train was a 17-year love affair. Yea, I said that exactly right! A true fuckin Grease love affair. Met the most innocent of ways and began what was 17 years of chasing, loving, lying, evading, persuading, contemplating, faking and regretting. See the first one was full of young love and ambition. Pureness. This one had everything in it. Fake identities, fake deaths, lying, deceiving, honesty, humility, lust, love, passion, betrayal, humiliation, embarrassment. The extreme toxicity that permeated between us was damn near killer. We had this insatiable desire for the love of each other, but we never knew how to harness it and present it one another without burning the bridge almost to no repair to get there. It was a tiresome game of chicken. Who would blink first and last? I was in love with this man. He showed me that pure love, even though it was introduced to me under false terms. This nigga was just a young bull, full of life and ready to show people just how grown and ready for the world he was, especially the gay one. I’ll admit, he definitely had game. He was a chocolate pretty boy. Smooth baby face, sweet eyes, soft lips and this general innocence that was the magnet to get you caught. Once in the web you see it was mostly smoke with a few broken mirrors.

Each attempt an effort to show he mastered prior challenges that stopped his progression. Forgetting the first rule of return, you must come back to me present, not currently caught up from the past. Present means you’ve done all the work of the past and now of the present and You are presenting You to me now, ready to be all that I want and need in the now. He would always fall short of now, because he was so busy worried about what he didn’t right before, to do right now. We continued this circular dance for a long number of years. Catching each other at the wrong time for one of us. Never willing to be patient long enough for both of us to slide back into our rhythm. Knowing that we don’t need long. Never have, because our souls connect like the links of a fence or the links in a chain. Welded so beautifully as to perfectly catch the weight to evenly distribute it across your neck to gloriously display itself for the world to see on your beautiful body. Again, an effortless ease that everything happened. No matter in person or on the phone, we always fit like gloves. But his lustful playboy life, and my open grown man life never came into alignment. He was always busy trying to have 3 options in case the first option doesn’t work. And I was busy being free. Exploring the world and the brown men in it. We never gave warning to each other. We just found one another and encroached into our personal spaces. Ignoring if anyone was/ is already there. We will make time for each other, until we deliver the safe words that push us away until that person who’s there is gone. Always waiting but not really waiting. Living, while also listening. Once the sounds of freedom were given, there we were finding each other again. But I was tired of that. Tired of the lies and bullshit. All the antics and theatrics. We’ve done them for such a long time and now the curtain must finally drop. As sad and hurt as I was to have to make this move, it was necessary. It was the only way to ensure that this shit ended.

Normally, we would’ve found each other again by now. Reliving why we broke apart. Walking on eggshells, to not damage the fragile foundation we’re attempting to rebuild. Desiring to lust of each other again. Knowing what it could do, understanding it’s only likely a dying mate call. One last time for all the years of bullshit. Doing the thing that we never did enough of, but when we did… exactly as expected. But that’s not how life is playing. That book is finished, the final chapter written, the last period placed. I will always and forever love that man. For 17 years of my life, I could count on him to show up and the world would feel right for a little while. Only to be reminded of just how narcissistic he is. I’m just grateful for the love and heart that we shared. Fuck all the dumb shit, we made beautiful music for a long time, and I’m forever indebted to someone who was willing to ride the roller coaster of life with me.

This one needs more time to air. Part two of the healing story will come shortly. I have to finish explaining about those three times, the Gay life fucked up the Whole Personal life. Damn, talk about healing that had to be done… I’ll be back with that story soon.