I always pride myself on challenging myself to be the most honest and authentic version of me every day. I never say that I’m going to be the nicest or most respectful or understanding. Some days I’m not gonna be any of those things, some days I’ll be all of those things, and other days some combination of them. I always work to make sure I check myself daily. I constantly have talks about who I am, what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and who I’m doing it for. The struggle for me, sometimes, is trying to figure out the why, and the who. I get triggered when I think about the saying you are what you attract. I don’t know that I fully believe that statement. And then other times I believe it’s deftly accurate. Could that be the reason that I tend to have the types of men in my life that I do? Then I start thinking about the type of men in my life and I’m confused again. Because the men of my life are varied in style, personality, looks, and approach to life. There are lazy ass niggas who come around, trifling ass niggas who come around, college-educated niggas who come around, street niggas who come around, college-age niggas who come around, sports niggas who come around, gaming niggas who come around, chill niggas who come around, freak niggas who come around, and basic ass niggas who come around. Can I really be all these people?

Or is it something more tangible than just you are the company you keep? Is it more concrete than you are what you attract? I attract faithful, loyal ass niggas. I also attract weak ass fuck niggas, and all talk no action niggas. Am I really these different types of niggas too? I guess, depending on who you ask, on any given day I am. I think that’s why when I look in the mirror, I’m always conflicted about who I am. The masculine, naturally dominant man who likes things to flow according to me. The masculine, chill man who is indifferent to people, who allows the moment to meet my needs. The man, no classification of me. Living genuinely as the day presents itself. The vibe and aura of the music heavily influencing the energy I give off that day. The mixture of masculine and feminine energy. One where I set my boundaries for the day, allowing people to test their limits of engagement with me. The submissive guy who wants someone to come after me. Be outgoing and not always so laid back. Life isn’t just a one-way hunt. Both people need to feel wanted and liked for the dynamics to work.

The truth is I wanna show any and all of me off in a given day and I want someone versatile and diverse enough to appreciate it and be able to handle it. Who shows interest in me and I show the same in return. At times it’s the first part missing that causes questions and uncertainty. It’s the dismissive conversation we have or the energy I receive when we talk or get face to face. Understanding that I may not be aware of the shit going on with you or in your mind. I can only speak from my perspective. If you choose to keep your mouth shut, you can’t say anything to me. You say can why didn’t I speak or say something? The same will be true for you. Especially if you’re the one who has the problem. Realizing that constantly communicating can also be a sign of insecurity, as much as it’s a sign of genuine interest and intrigue. How do I balance all this? The itch for constant mental stimulation. The want for consistent emotional stimulation. The need for consistent sexual satisfaction. And a desire to not have to start it off all the time. The desire to not feel time-limited or suffocated. I want your time and your energy, but I don’t want you physically here all the time to give it to me… or do I?

The question that’s been asked to me who fuckin know how much in my life, and especially the past month or so. As the more healed, recovered, me shows himself, there have been renewed questions about my single status. Always consistent in my answer, niggas here ain’t shit and don’t know what they want. Truth is that partially correct. Now, let’s add I just don’t have time for niggas who with nothing to bring to the table. Get some depth and substance to you. Show me more than just your delicious body, your big ass dick, or your pretty plump ass. Yes, lil booties matter, and even lil booties is plump if the proportions right. Let me know that there’s depth to you. That we can do more than just be a nice fuckuationship or imaginary friends with benefits, because the truth is all we are is fuck buddies who take time to talk because we enjoy the comforts of each other, temporarily. I love that, don’t get me wrong. Sex is such a strong, passionate force in my life. Similarly, I want more. I want someone to be able to fuck all the time. Top or bottom action, on sum real shit, probably both. LMFAO. Someone to actually share my day with. Not like having to live in my house or physically be here, but to talk with about my day and theirs.

That’s where I look at myself again and say, don’t you keep it transactional with people until they prove themselves to be life including worthy. You can’t operate in this fashion and then not allow others to do the same. Because you know how to filter through the bullshit more efficiently than them, doesn’t give you the right to push them to your timeline. That’s where part of your evolution, being more patient, is being tested. When you give someone details on how they’re not showing up for you, you must have the patience to let them show you they do. That doesn’t happen overnight. And for me, that means getting impatient and finding a second or third option, because I’m still single and there’s been no conversation or comments made that we exclusive so we both can keep doing what we want. However, energy starts to be given that the desire is to just fuck with each other. Why should I do that when you’re not fully meeting my needs? There is always the balance between I want you for sex and I want you for more than sex. Maybe I want you around and it’s nothing to do with sex, it’s just the person you are that I need in my life.

The balance between willingly being helpful and that being abused because of how you see life. The uncertainty of: are they there because you’re willingly helping with life challenging shit. There really will be no way to know until you aren’t needed for anything but wanted for everything. There is a gigantic ass difference and knowing when you are chosen because of who you are and not for what you bring is a calm and confidence that can’t fully be explained. That’s why so many people refuse to date down. They date equal and up. Which makes sense because it provides a sense of security that someone isn’t solely interested in what you can give, but more on what you bring to the situation. These are the things I wrestle with all the time. The mirror can be a beautiful reflection or a tortured reminder.

Tell me about your mirror.