Month: September 2014

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, Sex

Is Sex Really Just Sex…

I’ve often heard Pastors and some in the Medical community articulate that people who have a lot of sex are trying to compensate for some sort of pain or have a lack of self-esteem. While I think that there some validity to that opinion, I also feel like sometimes it’s just the case of a person really liking sex and wanting to explore their sexual beings more than trying to get over a painful, emotional breakup or a lack of self love.

As one of those people who’s has more sex than I ever thought I would at this age, I can say that I truly fit into both of these categories to be honest. There are times where I’ve had sex because I didn’t really feel good about myself and I figured I could fuck the pain away. There were other times, and most often, where I just liked having sex and found people who had great dick or ass, or both, and I wanted to just enjoy those experiences without having to worry about the emotions that are usually attached.

But I’ve often wondered whether some people run to the sex argument because deep down inside they just really want the sex and don’t know how to explain it any other way. I  think about how everyone says there are these unwritten rules that should govern ones’ pursuit of a relationship. Like you should wait before you have sex, and if someone wants to rush straight to the bed then they really don’t care about you.

I wonder how folks feel about those who have sex on the first date. Is it wrong to want to hit it out the park the first time you meet? Is there truth to the theory that if you give it to them too soon that won’t be nothing left? Or, is it a case to be made that if you give them a sample of everything, they just keep on coming back?

I am a person who believes that there is nothing wrong if you choose to wait and go on a few dates before you decide to get in bed together. But I also believe if you want to smash after the first, second, or third date more power to you.

I also believe that sex to some doesn’t mean the same as it does to others. There are people who have learned to become emotionally detached from sex, for their own reasons, and therefore will have sex whenever they feel because they like it and enjoy it. There are other people who can’t detach the emotion and once the sex happens, typically can be hooked on that person because that’s the final straw to bind them together.

I honestly don’t know which is true, because as with the previous part of my post, I’ve been down both roads. I’ve fucked just for the hell of it and had zero emotions attached and I’ve had sex be the thing that pulled it all together and the relationship was sealed and formed.

Whether you have great dick and ass, or ya vagina is all that, I think that it’s always interesting to find out how people feel about sex and whether or not they will be hooked to it enough to be with someone, or whether a long term fuck buddy relationship is established. Where ever you land on this broad spectrum, I am one who just doesn’t believe that you can be lumped into one group or another. I think each person defines their sexual bravado based on the situation at hand. Happy Sex Talk

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A Full Plate Can Still Be Empty

If you ever stop to take inventory of your life, you might be able to understand where this analogy makes lots of sense. Often times many people smile against a back drop of sadness, they cover up their unhappiness by filling themselves with the materialistic things of the world. I wonder how many people out there are full and still empty.

Even the most attractive person on the outside can be hollow on the inside. The person who is financially well established can be internally lacking. Even the person with the most friends, can still be alone. The hardest thing to do is try to marry the external desire for success with the internal need for peace and satisfication.

I am sometimes a victim of this analogy, because more often than not there is some element of emptiness felt when things aren’t completely in order. There is, in my opinion, no such thing as a moral victory in life. Moral is basis for the word morale, and I don’t think that a moral victory equals a morale boost. I want for someone to define for me what is moral victory actually is?

A man with confidence, strong and independent, outgoing, inviting personality with a damn good education. A man with a swag unto himself and able to go toe to toe with the best, yet one who still yearns for that emotional, internal pleasure. More than sex, more than temporary relief and gratification; it is the desire to be a man well rounded on the outside and complete on the inside.

While only time will tell if these two worlds can be harmoniously merged together, there is a sense of failure when you feel like you’ve been so close, only to really be so far away. I have no problem admitting that I have failed at the something, and I also have no problem admitting that more work needs to be done. I do however have a problem accepting that no one seems to be ready to work with me, to fight to overcome.

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I Will Never Forget

Thirteen years ago, the greatest tragedy on American soil happened. Hijacked airplanes torpedoed through the Twin Towers in New York City. Massive destruction was caused, thousands of innocent lives were lost. Mothers and fathers lost their sons and daughters, sons and daughters lost their mothers and fathers, friends lost friends, spouses lost spouses. A devastating and unprecidented amount loss and hurt seized this country,

I will never forget that day, where I was, how I felt and the absolute shock and awe I felt when watching the events unfold. I was a senior in High School, in my AP Government class when another teacher came into our classroom and informed our teacher of what had just happened. My teachers’ father was a consultant in Washington D.C. and the clear fear and concern for his fathers well-being was evident until he heard from him.

We watched in horror in that class and my following class, as we watched the debris and heard the screams. We watched as the Towers fell one by one and as the smoke and ash littered the streets and air. It was a horror story that seemingly came from a Stephen King novel. It was the kind of tragedy that no one ever thought would happen to America, and definitely not on American soil.

As I can remember that day was also the one year anniversary for me at the job that I worked for, so while I wanted to go home and continue to watch the coverage, try to digest what I had seen all morning I had to go to work and have, what would turn out to be, a very muted celebration for my completion of my first year of service. I had friends who worked for the state and federal government that were locked out of the building because of the terrorist actions.

I can remember having a red, white and blue ribbon pinned on me at work and just trying to imagine how absolutely terrified I was at watching what had transpired. I remember getting home and watching as the entire Congressional body stood out on the Captiol steps and sang ‘God Bless America’. A rear site to see members of both parties united after the controversial election that put President 43 in the White House.

As I reflect today, thirteen years later, I remember the first conversation I had with a co-worker who said he couldn’t wait until we “Bombed those bastards to hell.” Yes he was a Republican. And I remember when I got college the next year and I met my best friend in college, who was from New York, and he told me about how he was near Ground Zero and the horror  he felt. He talked about not joining the military and knowing friends of his who were going to war, since the President had announced the first major offensive.

I remember September 11, 2012 because we woke up at 7 a.m. to have a make shift memorial service outside our dorm before we started our school day. It’s amazing to think that it has been this long since that unimaginable day and while we have been safe from such a tragedy again, we still feel the after effects of that day. We have a President who still has to send our Military personnel into harms way because of the need to protect us from the next potential threat.

We hold memorial and honorary services to mark the tragedy and to make sure that we never forget what was done. I am always reminded of how strong the United States is every time we have these types of moments. Many countries would not be able to sustain the type of attack we experienced and come back the way we have. While we still operate in a protect us first culture, we definitely are still the best country in the world.

God Bless the memories of those who lost their lives in that fateful day and those who have sacrificed in the years since and the wars we’ve fought. #Never forget.

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The Smile That Hides…

If you have ever heard an interview of a comedian most of them tell you that they learned to use comedy as a source of relief, but also to turn their pain into a manageable situation. The phrase I’ve often heard is one laughs to keep from crying. The other one is behind the biggest smile, are the biggest tears and the  most pain. I do believe that if you really want to know why so many people laugh so hard it is to keep from crying.

It goes with the territory of manhood in the traditional sense, because so many men are taught that real men don’t cry. Or you have to play it off even if you hurt, you can’t show it because it’s a sign of weakness. If you want to know why this generation of kids, and men in particular, are so insensitive at times it is because for generations all that’s been preached to them is don’t be weak, don’t be a bitch, don’t cry, crying is for girls and sissies.

I would bet that if we spent a little more time being compassionate towards one another and checking on each other to make sure we’re in a good place and if we’re not to let someone know that you care, then we would have a much more understanding and peaceful people. This is particularly true in the African American Community.

So many of the older generation and inside the Black Church have beaten into the heads of men that you cannot be anything less than a warrior. You have to have the strength to overcome anything and never show the pain and hurt when you feel it. I wonder how many men would be better if we had more influential figures who cared about how we feel and making sure that we are not only physically strong, but mentally and emotionally strong as well.

It has gotten to be ridiculous to see that so many of the generations have passed down this show no emotion mentality, that if you happen to let any kind of tear fall somehow you are less than the next man who balls up his pain, buries it in their soul and lashes out with anger and violence, or depression because they can’t freely express themselves.

I can testify so many times to having the widest smile in the world on my face, but underneath that smile was the hurt and pain of an avalanche. I allowed myself to be influenced by the customs of the community by conforming to what I was suppose to be instead of being a real man and showing those emotions, allowing myself to be vulnerable and healing because I dealt with my hurt and anger.

See to me a real man is one who is not afraid to cry when he hurts, to admit to being bruised and scared. One who can tap into his heart and allow for those close to him to see the real pain behind the smile that he cracks to mask the true feelings. I challenge you to take some time out of your day and check on someone you care for. Man or woman, it doesn’t matter, just let them know you care and are there. Because you never know when just that little reminder of someone being there can change the course of someone’s day, or even their life.

#Real shit

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Just My Take

I wanted to take a few minutes to give my thoughts about the recent events surrounding Ray Rice and his wife. I have previously spent time writing about my feelings on domestic abuse and how destructive and detrimental it is to relationships and communities as a whole. As I’ve listened to the conversations, had my fair share, and thought about it all, I will say that my view is slightly controversial but very well thought out. 

First and foremost let me say that I do not in any way condone what Ray did. I have seen the video and it’s very disheartening to see that he could not exercise better restraint and discretion to walk away from the situation instead of striking his now wife. That being said, it is my belief that this is not their first time having a physical alternation and I also think that without having full knowledge of everything that happened we don’t know if she baited and provoked him in any way to lose his temper.

While I am all for a man being raised to not put his hands on a woman, I am also all in favor of women being taught to not put their hands on a man, and more importantly to not provoke and bait the man. There is reason to believe that both of them are to be blamed for the situation because the honest truth is, more often than not, women are not raised to truly respect their partner the same way a man is.

See if you’re a man, you’ve heard it from your mom, father (father figure), friends, and family alike, that you do not hit a woman. But is that same emphasis put on women to understand that putting your hands on a man, or provoking a situation is just as wrong. I would submit that we don’t see that. If you need proof look at so many of our young teenagers and kids today. So much more you’re seeing girls bullying boys, primarily because that little boy has had it drilled never to touch a woman.

Well let me say that I do not and will not agree with the premise that just because you’re a man you don’t hit a woman. I firmly believe that if a woman wants to act like she’s bad enough to hit a man or get in his face and act as though she wants to fight, then she needs to be ready to shoot the five and accept responsibility for the consequences. See nobody was screaming domestic abuse when Solange was beating on Jay Z in the elevator. In fact it was laughed at and made fun of. 

The rumor mill was swirling about if there were issues within his marriage and Beyonce`’s sister was standing up for her. The double standard is ridiculous and I’m sick of it quite frankly. The only difference is Jay Z knew if he did anything remotely physical to her, it was going to be all holy hell. If you want to start to curb this epidemic of domestic abuse, it will start with holding everyone accountable. It will continue with making sure real and consistent counseling is available to both parties. It will have to include raising up boys and girls to men and women who understand that putting your hands on someone else in a physically violent, abuse way is wrong. Whether you’re a MAN or a WOMAN it is WRONG.

#Just my take

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Tear it down, build it up…

Aaahhh… I’ m back.. after a much needed break to relax and recharge it’s time to get back to the business at hand.

So if you’ve ever had your heart broken before I wonder what your process is like for starting over and rebuilding yourself. Do you dwell on the pain of the breakup? Are you one who likes to wallow in your hurt and get lost in the failure? Is it possible that you are the type who moves on quickly? And you try to find the next one to develop that bond and become lovers? Or are you the pragmatic one; do you take the time to learn from what went wrong? Do you evaluate yourself and try to make sure that you clean up the areas that you know need improving?

All of these types of people and questions are very valid and they kind of tell the story as to why so many people struggle with relationships and building bonds with the next one, if they have haven’t truly gotten over the last one and allowed themselves to heal, learn, and grow. I have tried to do all three of these approaches at one time or the other. I have gotten right out of one relationship and turned to another, I’ve dwelled a bit on the end of a relationship and wallowed in my sorrow and I’ve also taken the pragmatic, systematic approach and allowed myself to recover from the emotions and things that come with ending a relationship.

I’ve always been curious though as to why so many like to land in one of the first two extremes of the breakup process. They either rush right into the next relationship or they just sit and wallow for so long that they miss the opportunity to really better themselves until the next one comes along, and by that time it’s really too late because you will wind up taking out that hurt, pain and emotion on the next one and you will lose that person. 

Could it partially be because so many people fear being along, so the minute that one relationship ends, whether it was a peaceful breakup or a painful breakup, instead of taking time to regroup and learn and grow, they just decide to charge ahead and bring in the next one who will ultimately pay the price because they’re getting an individual who is not really prepared for this relationship. I also feel like the person who spends too much time wallowing in their own sorrows doesn’t have the personal motivation to move forward and need that new interest in order to get the desire to want to do better.

All of it to me speaks to the bigger problem of: one, people not really willing to take their own responsibility for their role in the breakup and the mental fragility of people today and most importantly I think the need of people to feel like someone else loves them in order to feel good about themselves.

One thing you learn when you allow yourself to go through the process of recovering and rebuilding is that sometimes it’s truly not your fault and sometimes you are just as responsible as the other person. Another thing you learn is that your emotions can get the best of you if you don’t learn how to control them and to know that you are better than someone else validating your worth. So what does your recovery process look like when you’ve been heart broken?