Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, love, Sex

Heart Chronicles – Can’t get enough

I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted this to the universe, but today is going to be a first. Maybe this blog will help to break that seemingly suffocating cloud that looms in my environment, blocking the next phase of my journey from being grabbed and accepted. Today I have to admit that I’m an sex addict. I don’t know really when this became known to me, but I am here to acknowledge it today. It feels so weird to admit to such a thing because sex is seen as so out of bounds by many, misunderstood by some and nasty by others. Maybe it’s because I’m a openly, Black, gay man and I know that in my community those are three strikes right there, so to also admit that I have an addiction to having sex with men just seems like the final nail in my proverbial coffin. I mean how much more of a sinner could I be in the eyes of some right? For the question is.. how the fuck did I let this happen? When did I really become this sex starved guy? For the longest I use to be the guy that wanted that long term commitment. Wanting to have someone who wanted to share his body mind and soul with me. That way, the sex would feel better, it would linger longer, my dick would stay hard seemingly forever, and my ass would so moist that just a couple strokes would make me cream. I yearned for that in every relationship I had, and because of that, I wasn’t really willing to just fuck just because. I thought that having a couple sex partners being single was cool, but not too many. Always wanting to save the extras for that one guy.

Well, somewhere between being cheated on and mistreated and abused, I guess that hopeless romantic, that deep lover, got sidelined and gave way to the whore that exists today. It feels like I can’t even stop when I say that I’m going to take a break. Since I’ve been single the past 6 months, it’s like I’ve been playing catch for the lack of sexual attention and satisfaction my ex gave me the prior 6 months that we were living together. It felt as though with him I was willing to wait for the moon in order to have sex with him. It didn’t happen often at all, the fuck sessions in six months together. He probably sucked my dick maybe 10 times total. He complained that my dick was too thick made his jaws hurt, so he didn’t want to suck it so often, even though he claimed that dick sucking was his passion. He complained that my width stretched his hole too much and do he couldn’t take having sex regularly with me. Through all that I attempted to make the best of the times when we did. All the while, in the back of my mind I was screaming for more. Wanting to have passionate, love making sex, three times a week. Knowing that anything else would be too much, I figured that would be reasonable. It wasn’t for him and so my drought was epic for me. I thought at that moment I had my sexual sweet tooth under control.

However, once we broke up, it was like the chains to my sexual demon were unleashed and I haven’t been able to stop myself or slow down at all. One after another, same guy, different guy. Ass, dick, head and all of the above. Solo missions and threesomes. One a day up to as many as four a day. Temporarily stopping to get sleep and allow my body to have a slight recovery. Only to be tempted by a cute face, delicious body, big dick, juicy ass, and all that I’ll slow up talk disappeared like smoke from a blunt in the air. Replaced by a sultry lust for release. Not satisfied until that last drop of cum leaves my or his dick. Asses wet, flip fucking, that means we fuck each other, smiling when it’s all said and done. Smoking a blunt or two, just to loosen things up and allow the real freaks to emerge and leave their mark. U name the location, I’ve done it. The driveway, the street, the duck off, the car, the house, the shower, the bathroom, work, home it didn’t matter. I was willing to be caught if it meant releasing that beast that wanted to feel that sexual satisfaction. The fact that I’ve fucked at every job I’ve had since I’ve returned to this city is crazy. To be fair I’ve had two full time jobs and two part times jobs. I’ve fucked in the department store dressing room too. I’ve fucked with people watching in the room, with the blinds and curtains open. I’ve recorded some sessions and watched them back while we prepare to fuck again. All of these encounters and it still hasn’t been enough to satisfy that taste.

What’s crazier is that there is a specific set of people out there, who all they really want is the one off sex with you. No matter how good it was, they don’t want to repeat, they want someone different each time or a different scenario. I am the type of addict that if you got some shit ass and/or dick, I wanna keep getting it until I can’t have it anymore. Blow my mind and make me want to leave you alone. But that just seems to be a little too much here. The itch is too strong that once you have it once, maybe twice, they move on; which in turn means I move on to the next too. Finding the next one who’s ready to fill that prescription. Make me feel how I want to feel so that for that moment or day, my sexual desires are satisfied. I used to know how many people I had slept with. Even when the number was just barely over 100 I knew. Now, it’s been soo many people. Soo many hook ups, link ups and fucks, that I really don’t know. I can’t remember them all if I tried hard, because some days it was all a blur. That sexual fire burning so bright all I cared to do was have my fire rage, and then extinguished from however many sexual interactions it took to calm that flame.

Maybe it’s because of all the hurt and pain that I just turn to the sex as a means of coping. So many years spent trying to be a great boyfriend. Doing all the things I feel that a man should do to keep home happy. Making sure that my lover knew no lack, no not only materialistically, but completely. Loving on him, giving him attention, feeling his emotions. No, I was never perfect and will never pretend to be, but I know I was a damn good boyfriend. I always tried to work on my flaws and made sure that I didn’t make the same mistakes in the next relationship as I did in the prior one. Always willing to take constructive feedback to work on myself and be a better me. That shit never worked. All it did was allow niggas a chance to get the utopia they dreamed of and then run away, claiming they weren’t ready for that realness yet. Maybe it’s how I’m dealing with the loss of my twins and the abortion of what would have been my first born son a couple years earlier. Maybe it’s a ways for me to feel appreciated just a little. As twisted as it may sound, to hear and feel and see someone express their gratitude for your sexual pleasings makes you feel a little better about yourself. Until you realize that it’s just fucking, that you’re just a one off or a dick or ass call, then you want more. Maybe, it’s my way of filling the void of the people that I thought were friends, who ducked out on me. Years of fun times together. Laughing, joking, breaking bread, being there, listening, helping, supporting. But when the time came for me to get that support, feel that love, get that listening ear, break bread to help reassure me all would be well, that was too much to ask and all I get are half assed dry conversations. Avoidance of in person meet ups, to catch up and bond again.

Sex became my escape and my drug. Sex became the way for me to meet some half way cool people. No, they weren’t my true friends, but they filled a void in some way. Some times the sex did become regular, or we did more than just fuck here and there. Never enough, but just enough to take away that edge for that moment or that day. Leaving a trail though, of emptiness and loneliness in its wake. I guess while I don’t know exactly when I became a sex addict, I definitely know why I am one. How or if I can get rid of it, I guess that is the million dollar question.

Talk back to me… do you relate to this at all?

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A Broken Spirit

So, I’ve been watching the trial of former police officer Derek Chauvin and I have to tell you that this case to me is very simply a case of humanity versus brutality. It is a test of the human spirit and shows why so many feel this country is broken and the spirit of this nation is not intact as it should be. If you have watched the trail the first three days and have seen the video footage of the heinous and inexplicable murder of George Floyd, there is no way that can’t come away moved and emotional. To watch a man have his life taken away from him in front of you. To hear him calling out for his mother and officer Chauvin show no type of remorse or care for the Mr. Floyd. For him to continually say that he can’t breathe, that he was in pain, that his body was hurting and for the officer to dig his knee even deeper into his neck. If you watch the body position of the officer it is clearly an aggressive and intentional posture. He had his hands in pockets or at his waist, which indicates he had no intention of getting off Mr. Floyd until he was dead, not moving and unresponsive. For nine minutes and twenty nine seconds, that man had his knee deeply implanted into the back of George Floyds neck. Despite cries from witnesses that he was having a hard time breathing, despite them saying they saw his face turn purple. People saying they saw his nose bleed, they saw his life being pressed out of him, until he eventually gave way to the force and died.

That was inhumane, that was barbaric, that was intentional, that was cruel and unusual punishment, that was excessive force. What ever legal terminology you want to use to describe the actions of this former officer, he committed murder. He killed that man in cold blood and had no reason to do so, and it has nothing to do with Blue Lives Matter or the Thin Blue Line or any of that bullshit. Derek Chauvin was not in any imminent danger from George Floyd at any point in time. There was zero need for the amount of force that he used to subdue and ultimately kill George Floyd. I don’t want to hear any excuses for his behavior. Can we please as a nation and as a people call this particular incident what it was, Murder! You can hear George Floyd begging and pleading for his life. Saying that he will do whatever the officers want him to do. You hear witnesses begging Derek Chauvin to take his knee off Mr. Floyd’s neck. They pleaded for them to check on his welfare to make sure he was breathing. The store clerk was shaken and disturbed. All the people who saw this scene were shocked, shaken and dismayed that they were witnessing a murder in front of their eyes, and none of the officers who were on the scene seemed to give a damn about whether or not Mr. Floyd lived.

As a black man in America we already know that there is a target on our back as big as the Hollywood sign in LA. We know that we are always assumed guilty and we’re always assumed to be aggressive and potentially violent, even if we are not. No matter what, once the police were called on George Floyd he was going to be subject to profiling and prejudice because in most cases that is the automatic assertion from law enforcement. Let’s understand this situation plainly so everyone can understand. We had a man go to multiple business establishments in Atlanta, Georgia and kill eight people! He walked out of that situation with his life and well being. A man walked into a grocery store and fired off numerous rounds, killing ten people! He was superficially wounded, but he walked away from the scene whole! George Floyd used a fake twenty dollar bill to by a pack of cigarettes! A pack of damn cigs! And he lost his life. What are the factors here between these three crimes. Two of them are Felony Murder! One was a misdemeanor. Two were heinous, resulted in numerous lives lost, one resulted in no harm being done at all to the establishment, but one man lost his life. Oh, that’s right.. the two murder suspects were fair skinned, White men. George Floyd was a black man. Case closed. The Black community is watching intensely as this trial progresses. When this jury delivers its verdict, it will really tell you if the spirit of this nation is broken, or on the mend to repair. Stay tuned. It’s emotional to watch and hard to stomach, but we must see injustice to fix injustice.

Black Lives Matter

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Heart Chronicles – Letting Go

I’ve spent some time thinking about this current post that I’m writing tonight. It’s suffice to say that we have struggle with this at some point in our lives, for various reasons. In this particular situation I’m addressing the difficulty of having to let go of someone that had your heart. It’s arguably one of the most difficult things that we have to do in life. Whenever we open ourselves up and let someone get close to us, we hope that we never have to close that door and remove or alter how we see that person or those people. In terms of a romantic relationship, it seems that nothing is harder than to have to give up on someone that you love. I think it is pretty obvious why this is so hard, but I’m going to dig a little deeper into the details and also give the logical reasons as to why it ultimately is for your benefit that you move on from what was.

You know on the surface it’s easy for someone to say you need to move on from someone. Or for them to question you as to why you have decided to stay with someone much longer than they feel you should, or longer than what the outside world says you should based upon what they see. The missing element is that anyone who is offering their advice or their opinion, is likely missing key elements as to why you have stayed. They could range from having children, to living together and having financial business tied up together. It could be that when you were in a compromising position that person helped you out of that unfortunate situation. Or maybe for that head space that you were in during that period of your life they were the perfect comforter and supporter. These things lead to emotional connections being deeper than people on the outside know, and it also means that you are more likely to hang in there and fight for what you have if you believe it to be true. Even if it has gone a little past the expiration date, you don’t want to give up on someone because it gets difficult or because you aren’t as in sync as you once were. You like to think that maybe it’s just life intervening and once you have time to address the issues y’all will be back on track.

Don’t get me wrong, often times that does prove to be the case. Life makes relationships go through good periods and rough period. And it is often the ones who refuse to accept less than or accept that life’s challenges will ruin something that they felt is meant for them. Sometimes we like to think that we are bigger than the issues that befall us. Yet, there is a fine line that must be walked when trying to fix something or hang onto someone when things aren’t going so well. Sometimes, that struggle is meant to reveal true character and allow for you to decide if the two of you have out grown each other, or maybe just one of you is ready to move on to another and the other person isn’t quite ready yet. See things happen to give you insight and help you make the appropriate decisions when it comes to the ones you choose to love. Often times we don’t want to accept it because the answer is usually definitive and counter to what we want to do. I’m here to tell you that it may be best to listen to that voice and heed the vision being shown to you. It could very well be setting you up for your next love and better match to come into your life.

You have to be willing to put past people and relations behind you in order to make room for the future and present situations in your life. You can’t always be afraid to let go of someone, let them grow, let yourself grow and move on to the next phase of your life. I do truly believe that if someone is meant to be yours they will be. And at the same time, I believe that you can miss your blessing because you’re too busy stuck on what was and what has been and not on what is and what will be. Be willing to allow your heart to feel disappointed, reassuring it that better is coming and better is waiting for you to be ready for it to come to you. Don’t shy away from love and being love. Take your time though, to heal from past pain and hurt. To evaluate yourself and be fully prepared to present yourself fully to the next person. While also being prepared to handle the baggage that will come with the next person. Failure produces growth if you pay attention and learn the lessons. So that should only make you better prepared for the next relationship that comes your way.

Next time you have a situation in front of you that you know isn’t going to last or make it, don’t be afraid to say I got to let you go. I’ve got to move on, because that will be the thing that saves you more heartbreak and devastation. It will also be the things that propels you to future successes and greatness. What do you think?

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Heart Chronicles – Rearview Mirror

You know I have always been a big proponent of not looking back to grab your future partner. I’ve argued for years that it is much harder in reality to be with someone from your past, than it is to start fresh with someone new and unknown. I argue this position for a number of reasons and I will break down why I feel this should almost always be the case. Why there are always exceptions and how to know when something is a chapter closer and not a chapter starter. If you’re not careful, a reunion with a lost flame could prove to be costly or harmful to your progress in the present day.

As has been commonly said, looking behind you doesn’t really do you any real justice. It doesn’t help you to see what’s happening in present day and it doesn’t do a lot to prepare you for what’s to come in the future. Looking back, in my mind, is used to teach us lessons and to help grow us from what we were and used to be into who we are and will ultimately become. It gives you a memory of experience to draw off of should you encounter a similar situation down the line, ensuring that you will be able to use more tools to better handle the situation should it present itself again. It works for reminding you of why you left someone alone, or why something didn’t work in the time period that it did. It serves to be a hallmark of where that past person must climb to just to be considered fairly relevant. But that’s where the problem comes in at. Too many times they reach the old bar, but you’ve graduated to an even higher bar that they must over come, and most people forget that when that past comes roaring back to the forefront.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been having a lot of reunions with my past and I’m really not sure why this season has been presented to me over the past eight months. But, it has definitely served to do some of the work I believe it was intended to do. It also caused some deep wounds and pain that I’ve been working through. Well, add two more people to the list of the returned and one blew up in a ball of fire less than a week after it got going. I’m glad that I have the ability to know what the past is primarily used for. Also, I’m glad that I have an understanding that not everything is black and white. There is a lot of color and gray area where we have to make decisions and be prepared for the consequences of those decisions. This guy from a few years ago, came back around to me again this time and I really thought that this was going to be something worth investing my time into. He was someone that we didn’t end on bad terms, we both just needed so much and neither of us were really ready to give each other what we needed. So we left things alone and life moved on.

Last week we reconnected, and for the most part, it was just like old times. Catching up, revealing feelings hidden and things sought and wanted from the other. So we began to talk heavy discussing whether or not we were going to finish the work we started years ago. I agreed and so did he, that we would attempt to make this work in the improved versions and forms of ourselves, than 3 years ago. Before that opportunity could even be tried out, he pulled the fag move. Got to the city and disappeared. Not talking any longer, not answering phone calls or returning missed calls. It showed me that he was meant to close a chapter. His bluster and bullshit, while sounding good, was nothing more than a time filler. Wasting my time and energy and his, because I guess he was bored. Or maybe he wanted a backup plan, while I was thinking I was primary, because he claimed he was spending his time talking to me. Which, from all accounts has proven to be false, cuz I haven’t seen the bitch since he arrived in town. It reminded me that just like all the others who have returned, these are chapters mostly closing and not new ones being written.

It reminds me that the truth is you only go back for one you believe is the one. A soulmate that you know fits you perfectly. That no matter how many years pass or how much time goes without you two being together as lovers or in each others presence, you still have a bond that is unmatched. It needs time to recalibrate to account for the changes that both of you have made. And then you write a new chapter, aiming to see if this is something that needs to be further developed, or is it a new chapter to close the prior partnership, opening a new friendship while closing the relationship portion of life together. That is a hard thing to decide that you need to do, but it becomes the right choice if it becomes obvious that only one of you is still into it and the other is just living their best life. See, you have to be prepared in great detail for all options to happen with people that you reconnect with. You have to be very careful to protect you energy and time. You don’t want to extend yourself for something that is really dead and trying to be reincarnated into something different.

I really don’t feel that there are any other real reasons to examine a past love for reignition. Don’t buy into the I still want to love you. Or the lets try this again and make it work. Or the you’re stuck with me now. None of that bullshit is true if you don’t see the actions matching those words. Don’t cancel plans that you made or adjust the way that you move until you are sure that the person is serious. That you two are really building towards something special. If this isn’t happening, then you’re just writing final chapters for people. And to be honest, you need that in life. Closure! A word that many say they want but when they’re given the opportunity to take it, they run from it. Because it means letting go and moving on and so many people want to hang on to things. Wanting to use what is familiar and comfortable as a basis for their new happiness. When in reality, it’s when you go outside what you know that you grow the most and usually experience the success as well.

So here is the summation. Don’t let yesterday become today unless yesterday and done all the work to become the present and future. Not just catching up to what was. And don’t let sweet words and matching rhetoric equate to love matching and compatibility, because you never know the reason for the season. Take your time, flush it out and when it’s time, write the final sentence and close that chapter. Move On and be happy.

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Heart Chronicles – Cuffed or Free

The older I get and more time I spend thinking, I feel like it’s the subliminal messages we take from the shit we go through in life that unconsciously trains us for the way we react with people and the way we build and decide on relationships. Check this out and let me help bring you to where my mind rests.

When you get into a relationship you go through the ups and downs, the good and bad. Sometimes things happen where you get a person pregnant and try to have kids, other times you deal with them and shit just makes your relationship grow apart or end. It’s my belief and opinion that if you try to have relationship forever goals and you keep ending up with short term fire, long term pain, or lots of great sex but no real commitment, it shapes what you seek as you get older and makes you more prone to one type of relationship over the other. It almost assures that unless someone comes along to disrupt the pattern of things that happens you will likely shift to being more in favor of what you are experiencing more of. For example, if a person tries throughout life to have the long term relationship goals, but they’re always taken away or not lasing, they will eventually say fuck it and just be single with entanglements along the way. Conversely, if someone winds up establishing a long term love affair. Maybe years, maybe they married. Or maybe they together a long time and just end because they grew in opposite directions you’re likely to want to try again for that long term happiness.

But if you are the person who, you try to have a family with someone and it fails. You heal and then you try again and it fails for a different set of reasons. You go back to the drawing board take time to figure it out then you try again, and it fails again for another set of varying reasons. And you try again, and same result failure with a hard end and you start to think are you really meant to be in a long term relationship. Is a forever love affair in your future. Have you missed your forever partner or have you been selected to just feel lots of short term pleasures. It’s hard not to feel like this when you have so many opportunities in life to have those long lasting moments, only to be denied and always end up with shorter term satisfactions, and long term disappointment. We know that not everyone will be lucky enough to meet their forever in high school or college. Maybe it takes you well into your 30s or 40s before that happens. To that end I ask why did it have to take so long. Why was your divine plan set for you to experience let down after let down until you reached that age of supposed stability?

Take it a step further, if you get peeped for sex a lot more than you do for the relationship end, what does that say about you? Does it mean that you are only giving off that energy or is that the strongest vibe being picked up by other people from you. And you know you think about how that fucks with your mind space. Do you really want to feel that your reputation is only that you have great sex. You’re a nice person and all that, you could be that number 1 on 90 percent of the people that you come across, but the biggest hit seems to be to experience your sexual satisfaction. And don’t let you be good at what you do. You get the hits from, damn we need to just keep fucking to yea it was great and now I want to do shit with you and other people. It’s like one great thing isn’t enough, It’s how do you get maximized without giving you the full prize. And the thing that can unintentionally reinforce one notion or the other is how often you see people you use to link with, settle down now with people that you aren’t as good as you, but you were never given the chance to rise about the amazing fwb you were.

It can be difficult to see yourself as the one, when you’re always over looked or not fully given appreciation until after others have had less than you and they want to try to return. Shit that you know was going to be the case. Or you see that they took less than you and tried to build the mountain, when you were only given a chance to build the hill. Having these things happen, seeing these things in front of you can only cause you question yourself. If you think about all the different scenarios given in this blog, you realize that more often than not, the little messages within a breakup or within a relationship gives you mental guidance or blueprints to understanding why decided to become the person that you did. You know there are many people who have wanted to have forever happiness, that end up with forever entanglements. Largely because they were shaped by what happened to them early on in their relationships. Yes, the old saying great things don’t come without effort. But there is a saying I also like, a beaten person can’t give what he doesn’t have. If you’re constantly swatted away from what you try to attain, maybe isn’t not meant for you to have.

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Heart Chronicles – Men always tell

Bruh, I’m gone keep it all the way real with you right now, if you a man and date men, you know the nigga actions tell you when he’s moved on to someone else. Women same thing to you, you should know when your man got his side chicks or whatever, because his actions towards you will change. I think it’s actually quite comical when people say, Oh I didn’t know he was doing this. He never treated me different, then one day he was gone. Or one day he broke up with me. Those are the bold face lies that you tell yourself because you don’t want to acknowledge that the shit was right in your face and you ignored it. A nigga will show his stripes, unless he was already showing you them and you got caught up. This post is not for you, you are a dumb ass and if you get played that’s your fault. This is for the person that been with a nigga and then things changed and y’all weren’t together anymore and you thought it was sudden, when in reality it happened before you took notice.

If you have ever been in a relationship with someone and you broke up over what seemed to be a steady decline in the relationship, or one day you had an argument, minor one at that, and shit ended right there, I’m here to tell you it was over long before then. The truth about men is that they will always show when they’ve reached their peak, and essential end with you. A man almost always marks his proverbial territory but the energy that they put out on a daily basis. The more that man is giving of himself and time and effort to you, that more you know that they are with you. That have their full attention and that they are committed to you. It is my opinion that the first time you see that energy waver and the same gusto isn’t there, it is at that moment that he has began the process of entertaining other people. In my mind when he first shows the crack that there is unstable energy, that is the moment where y’all need to talk, see where that triggered from and how to go about fixing it. Because the longer that you wait to start realizing the drop in effort, the less likely it is that you can save your relationship.

Let me clear about this, when you are in a relationship with a man who says he is only with and for you, you will always know if the man is not fully interested by how he acts with you. If you are in a relationship with a hoe who is just trying to survive, you lost from the opening gate. See when a man has to share his time in more than one place, there is bound to be an energy drop off at some point. Usually because they get tired of trying to give 110% every day to two different people, if their emotions are in it. That overwhelms him, so he will eventually choose one of the two, and the one who isn’t chosen, if he doesn’t tell you, will know by the small things he does or doesn’t do anymore for or with you. Conversely, if it has been just the two of y’all for a while and then you feel a shift in the energy and effort department, time for concern if that energy isn’t increasing. And I know, some may say well you can’t give that same constant high energy forever, you will get worn out. The level is bound to decrease at some point, it’s just natural. You can’t say that just because the level decreased it automatically means they’re done. And I say to that, yes you can.

One of the common arguments against what I have said being the tried and true fact, is well look at how many people went to therapy to fix their marriage or help to give tools to repair it. Look at how many people stayed together and how many people made it. My comeback would be, it’s because the energy and effort given never decreased, it just changed its composition during the relationship that led to the need for issues. I would say there is a difference between things becoming more negative versus energy just being absent and void. The two can be interchanged, but it would be incorrectly done so because too often the two are linked together. A person can become negative because they lost interest, or because there have been too many arguments, too much nit picking, someone becomes too controlling. Energy and effort becomes lacking and missing when someone is tired of being together, when one doesn’t want it anymore and has moved on to someone else.

Now also to be clear, moving on to someone else could mean they just to be with themselves for a while too, not always being with another man. But, I want to make sure that it’s clear in this example, when the guy starts to give less to you, he is already out the door with someone else. It’s just up to you to figure this out and decide what you’re going to do about the situation. Some people say let the nigga leave. Can’t or won’t try to keep someone who as decided he doesn’t want to be kept. Some say, if you got history and love, try to fix it, maybe it’s something that can be done to boost that energy level again. Wherever you land on that spectrum know that you need to pay attention to your man, he is always going to give clues that he’s not feeling it. If y’all use to do a lot of playful stuff, and joke around a lot and shit like that, and that changes.. he is likely moving on. If y’all usually are very affectionate and touchy, all up under each other when you aren’t working, and that changes, he is likely already gone. If you use to always call each other pet names, and then all of a sudden he starts to use your name more often, he has likely moved on. The obvious one, if the sex level drops for no real reason at all, he has likely moved on.

Pay attention to the mannerisms and movements of your guy. Pay attention to his actions, how he intentionally act towards you, the words he says to you, the way he caresses you. When these things start to change you need to be concerned. Don’t wait until it’s been weeks and months before you address it, because by then it will be too late and they will be gone. Maybe that’s for the best and maybe it’s not. That’s for you and him to decide, more you than him, because his actions show he may already be a foot and some toes out the door. Either way, know this, you must always be present and attentive in your relationship, a failure to do so will lead you to missing signs and opportunities, and probably you will end up single.

Leave a comment Posted on real talk, Sex

Saved From Disappointment

You have no idea where I’m about to go with this blog but sit back and laugh a little, I think you will enjoy. Have you ever had that old reliable sex buddy that you just dust off from time to time? You know, the one who isn’t the best but is very good. They can satisfy that urge that you have and you have the comfort of knowing that they’re reliable and can be trusted. But, you haven’t dusted it off in a while and you realize while they’re talking why you put them on the shelf to begin wit. LOL. I mean listen, it wasn’t even a situation where I’m in need, or can’t find who I want to do it. It’s not even that some other reliables aren’t available. I had just decided that I would take him off the shelf and see if it was still quality sex as it had been. And then he did the worst thing that you can do for me.. He started talking wayyyyy too much about how he wanted the sex to go and that was immediately a turn off for me.

Now let me be clear, it wasn’t a turn off because he told me what he wanted, or that he asked me to do a certain thing. The turn off came because he just kept talking and the more he gave details and I heard his voice explaining what he would like to do and be done, the more I was just not feeling that vibe and sexual tension with him anymore. It didn’t sound erotic and enticing, instead it was creepy and nasty, but not in a good way. It came across as out dated and definitely unfulfilling. Then he committed the most major sin that you can make when you’re preparing to be my bottom. He made an admission that he doesn’t know if he will clean his hole properly enough to take the dick this time. Like.. really.. what the fuck? Son who in their right mind says that to the dude who they preparing to let fuck them? I don’t do brownie situations. You can’t create a sewage mess and think that I would ever want to have sex with you again. And yet, he managed to keep talking about it.

Then he had the nerve to say, you might want to put a towel down. Nigga what the fuck you mean? You been fucking guys long enough to know that you need to take the time clean yourself. You know how to put the bottle tip up ya ass and make sure that you keep cleaning until the fluid is clear. You been a bottom before and more importantly you bottomed for me numerous times before and you always had a clean hole. Soo.. why now do you need to give this disclaimer that you will try to clean to the best of your ability but you can’t promise anything because you ain’t took dick in a minute. Man shut you dumb ass up. Once you made a practice of taking meat, you know how to rightly clean that booty hole. And then you have the nerve to tell me to make sure my hole is fresh and clean so you can eat me out. Then you say make sure my dick is fresh so you can use that throat. Nigga what kinda man do you take me for? For one you know that I always bring freshness to the table. Two, what fucking planet you come from expecting to me to have a whistling clean ass, while you try your best?

What dumb nigga told him that it was okay to say this or to not have the expectation of his ass being as deep cleaned as mines? The entirety of the conversation lasted about 12 to 14 minutes and what it did was reaffirm why I chose not to keep him on the active fwb list. It made me understand that he was meant to be right where I had left him.. on the shelf, letting whomever else enjoy the gifts be brings. Sometimes an old faithful is just that. Old and not so faithful. LOL.. I tell you one thing, I’m glad I listened to myself and allowed him to call me on the phone. He talked himself right outta getting this wood early tomorrow morning. So, I will relax, bit that blunt and pass the hell out. Get up and make a day out of it tomorrow. Ahhhh, I’m glad sometimes people don’t know when to shut the hell up.

Oh and one more little piece of info for this particular post. I wish dudes would stop thinking that just because they host, a nigga gone drive 30 to 35 miles away to get that sex. That is just as dumb as anything else. If you offering gas, I can make it happen, otherwise.. pray on it and wait on it.

Leave a comment Posted on dating, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Love Hurts

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like love isn’t meant to hit you the way it has others? You know, you’ve had relatively successful relationships, but for one reason or the other they never seem to make over the last hurdle to long time sustained happiness. Whether it be your young and dumb and trying to live life or you deal with someone who has self esteem issues and they prevent them from fully trusting in you and the foundation that you all built. Only to turn to the opposite race and settle for less, when the world was your oasis with you. Maybe you come across that person who is trying to pick themselves up after a horrible breakup and they aren’t ready for all of you even though they profess that they are. Maybe you come across someone who’s use to doing the break up to make up bit with someone and so they only know how to have toxic relationship practices and they bring them into the relationship with you.

It could also be possible that you deal with a fake and fraud. Someone who is pretending to want long term happiness and relations, only to protect their own interests. You know, maybe they need a place to stay because they really don’t have no where to go, so you become the means to an end. And it could just be that you aren’t ready yourself. You are recovering from bad relationships and hurtful past dealings. Truth is I want to be happy and married and loved on by that man who wants to ride with me just the same as I’m going to ride for him. The problem is, too many niggas want to play games and be tepid about committing because they feel like they’re going to miss something. Seeing people who came along and didn’t appreciate what I brought to the table, or I wasn’t prepared for them, involved with someone else is a bitter sweet pill. On the one hand, I’m truly happy for them and glad they found happiness. On the other, I’m very disappointed, especially if I gave the very best of me, that they didn’t show me the same love and effort they show their current.

Something I don’t understand though, is every single person that I’ve ever been with, except one, has always tried to come back and have something with me after we ended. There is an admission that they haven’t found anyone who loved and appreciated them the way that I did. And while I appreciate them saying it, it pisses me off because why the fuck couldn’t you appreciate me when we were together. Maybe then we would still be together. Quite possibly we could be married, having a family and living the life that we wanted to live. It makes me wonder if I’m doomed to be alone until the end. Sprinkled with intermittent relationships that help to pass time and fill the gaps until it’s time for me to leave this earth. It just seems like this is one thing that always been just a little out of reach for a reason unknown to me. I have never been able to fully understand why I’m never really appreciated but I can tell you that it hurts. Because most times people just want to feel appreciated by those they love, especially inside of a relationship. And then to see them give that effort to someone else does make you kinda question why not you?

This blog doesn’t seek to find a solution because there is no way to know when love is going to find you and who it will be. But sitting here writing this and thinking back, damn man I’ve been fucked over more than I can remember. From being in love with my first and him not having self trust and restraint to believe in us. To my ten years love affair off and one with a man who use to treat me like a king, but he could never fully commit himself to me. There was the light skin pretty boy that I didn’t see coming, who seemed to really enjoy the dynamic we created, only to show that was the means to his end for him. The insecure guy who had all the promise in the world, but was too stuck on the irrelevant shit that caused things to go off the rails. The young twink who was ready to make it us versus the world, but was wayy too arrogant and controlling. The young hustler who was trying to make a name for himself, that I didn’t give the time to finish developing into the finished product. The lying drug head that wound up destroying my life with abuse and lies. The sweet young man who gave me his heart but wasn’t ready for the full commitment.

These represent, to me, the closest relationships that could have ended in the forever. And then there were the few friends with benefits, where the chemistry was there but I guess the timing was just wrong. They were still more about being free to do what they want but wanted that consistently great sex that we had together. All of these things man and not one developed into forever. People saying years later that they wanted to be something serious with me. Only they never showed or admitted to such when we were dealing at the time. So why the fuck would you bring it up right now? Why would you want to bring it up if you have intention of acting on those words? Pulling at the heart strings and emotions, bull shit at it’s best if you ask me. Have you had these types of experiences? Talk to me or your friends about it. Comments always welcome.

Leave a comment Posted on dating, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Heart break

If you have ever had your heart broken or you have had any traumatic event happen, you know that sometimes you become stuck in that moment. By that I mean that you’re emotions and mindset can somewhat become “stuck”, needing to be freed from that moment that placed in a emotional state of paralysis. The truth is when those events happen to you it takes something from you. It can rob you of an innocence or a naiveite towards people and/or life. These moments in time have a way of intertwining in your life and making you feel a sense of emptiness or loss. If you have multiples of these types of experiences in a short period of time, it can serve as a mechanism for which you become depressed or emotionally detached. It can cause you to lose track of yourself and lose touch with the currentness of the world because mentally you’re still locked into those moments that life changed for you. Understand that these moments can be of any variety. They can be physical abuse, emotional trauma, mental anguish, and any combination of those things. If you have been through it and overcome that hurdle then you know that what I’m referring to is real .

One of the truths I have to admit about my life is that I’ve experienced so many of these types of moments that I don’t really know if I’m broken, torn, destroyed or on the road to healing. Some days I feel as if I’m coming through the other side of all the traumas I’ve experienced within the past couple years. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of it. Not sure which way to turn, being tossed between feeling good one day and feeling depressed the next. I wonder how is it that I possess so many good qualities according to others, yet I’m unable to keep a partner fully satisfied. I’m unable to prevent my would be baby mother from killing our unborn child. I’m unable to prevent from being physically assaulted and abused. I’m unable to prevent so called friends from completely breaching the friendship and trust that I thought we had. It makes you wonder why and it makes you question yourself.

Then there are the other natural things that you have no control over, but sometimes happen in surprising fashion and it throws you for even more of a tailspin that you expected. Losing your grandmother and protector before you expected or were ready for. Having your cousin shockingly die of heart failure with no warning. Losing one of your favorite aunts without warning either. All of these things happening within the past 16 months and then you add to it losing your unborn twins to miscarriage a little more than a year ago. All of these things combined with the abuse, the mistreatment, the abandonment of long time friends leads you to feeling worthless at times. Makes you feel alone at other times. And to be clear, I have no problem being by myself, I learned how to be ok with that. But, it’s hard being lonely and feeling alone sometimes. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to heal. Yes, sometimes the journey is meant for just you, but even along the way you need cheerleaders and supporters rooting you on, even if from afar.

It can’t be understated just how much massive trauma can cause you to not believe in yourself and to make you feel a sense of pause within yourself. You physically continue and keep doing what must be done because you have to be an adult and take care of yourself and your business, but internally your a mess, destroyed, wishing that you could turn back the clock to take back the emotional blood spilled. Wishing you could reach back and pull the mental train wreck back so you can make the whole you, and not exist in broken pieces for the world to absorb. It can lead to you being very sporadic and all over the place. It can lead you to just wanting to be alone and wallow in your own self pity for a time. Honestly, it can also make you highly sexual, but very sexually irresponsible. Allowing yourself to do things that maybe you shouldn’t do, but wanting to feel that gratification from someone else may just make you want to push the limits you know you shouldn’t cross.

I don’t always pretend to have the answers to solve every problem, especially the ones that I have. What I do try to do is talk and think and write, to express my feelings, emotions and pain and hopefully through expressing and releasing it into the atmosphere it will help to bring about healing and closure. Dealing with the folks, in some way, who played a role in the traumatic events occurring, hoping that we can find closure and with the closing of those chapters finding some peace and allowing myself to be made whole again, to take myself off pause, push play and be as current as I can be. Stay strong, stay encouraged and find your release valve. These things will help to get you through. And above all, find a support system and use it to the fullest extent possible.

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, real talk

Heart Chronicles

Have you ever just woken up and felt like you were just tired of it all. Nothing had happened the night before to cause this feeling and mindset to surface, just a culmination of things that have occurred in your recent history. It’s like something in your mind and heart just click. You can’t really give an explanation for why it happened right now, you just know that you’re drained. Your body feels exhausted and tired. Mentally and emotionally you’re just spent. It feels like all your energy and desire has been sapped from your body. It just has the feeling of depression, a hard one, trying to settle in over you and you just don’t really want to fight it currently. It feels pointless to do so, because all you’re really going to get is an artificial passification of your feelings and troubles that are weighing you down. While you sit and look off into space wondering one simple question.. Why?

You are asking yourself why did these things happen to you in the sequence that they did. Why were you denied children for a third time. Why was your heart unnecessarily broken again, when you did nothing wrong. Why was your biggest protector and supporter taken away with no real warning. Why aren’t you able to close the deal now on new employment opportunities. Why with the impressive and solid resume you possess are you still toiling in a position that you know you are vastly over qualified for. Why are you sitting in a sort of financial circle. Able to obtain a small degree of financial security, but nothing like what you feel that you should have right now. Why haven’t some of your dreams and desires happened for you yet. Why haven’t you been able to assemble the cast necessary for the show you want to reach the masses. Why does it seem like you can’t catch the break that you need to be found and exposed for the talented individual that you really are. Why are you unable to keep a lover. Why do people always want to try to reshape parts of your image into what they want, instead of accepting that with you they get 90 percent of what they want in a man. That 10 percent will never be found, that’s not the point. The point is when someone meets you that far down the road, why would you destroy him?

You ask yourself why do people feel the need to lie to you about what they want or their level of satisfaction. Why is it necessary to hide things from someone who is so open and real with life and the experiences that you have had. Why does it feel like you will are always the resource for others, but never given the resources for yourself. Why are you always seemingly expected to put out or pour out from your blessings, but never given a blessing from others. Why are you so kind hearted and willing to forgive, when being an ass would save you so much time and disappointment. You just sit and question everything about yourself and what you’re doing with your life. You wonder should you really just take off the shackles and allow yourself to be less restrained. Give in to the unhinged personality waiting to exist. Wondering what does that version of you actually look like. Does that mean that you’re willing to be even more free willing, less concerned with negative results and consequences? Does it mean that you allow yourself to abandon many of those considerate, resourceful dispositions that you’ve maintained for all these years? It feels like even that wouldn’t give you the successful results that you really are seeking at this time.

It all just starts to overwhelm you so much. You keep wondering how much more are you going to be asked to take. How much more can you sacrifice or not have satisfaction for in your life. You don’t understand how you can be feeling all this torment and despair, yet still people don’t see the pain or heartache. They keep coming to you, knowing that you will give them what they need. Be it an ear to listen, a brain to provide solutions, a heart to provide empathy and compassion, money to provide financial relief or food relief, or a ride to somewhere. You are given a gift but you also see how much you have been taken for granted that weighs on you just as much as anything. When you were at the height of your giving, so called friends were always around and to be found. Yet, when you started curtailing those things, not being so freely to give of money and food primarily, a lot of those folks dried up. Now there isn’t a dinner to be had, joint shopping to be done, chill times to be had. Now, it’s just a lot of you being by yourself. No appreciation shown when your birthday comes or Christmas comes. Just you and you appreciating you. I guess that’s the lesson that has stuck with me the most. Always just rely on yourself.

It feels better to have sat and released some of the things that are on my heart. It doesn’t remove the pain or sadness. It doesn’t take away the feeling of not being appreciated or recognized, but it releases some of it from my spirit. Let me be perfectly clear. All the the things that I’ve done were never for the acclaim or so that people would give me back. It was all done because I wanted to and I enjoyed the bonding time and laughter and priceless moments that were created. The memories from those events are always going to stick with me. At the same time, people have a habit of showing their appreciation or thanks for folks buy giving of themselves in some way to them. Be it with a financial gift or physical gifts, the art of showing that appreciation is there. Maybe this doesn’t resonate with you. Maybe you’ve always been shown appreciation or you’ve never had to worry about any of these feelings. Hopefully you never will. If you have, then some or all of what I’ve written speaks to you. Talk back to me or pass it forward.