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Fears equals Failures

Try if you might to think of a time in life when you let your fears get the best of you. You were attempting to make major change in your professional career, or maybe personally you wanted to move to a completely foreign place. Perhaps you found someone you wanted to invest your time and energy into, or you wanted to take a substantial financial risk in hopes it paid off for you. Now for those of you who have always taken that leap of faith, or you found the courage to take it eventually, when you look back at it do you have a full understanding of why you let your fears make you a failure for those particular challenges that you neglected to act upon? I ask this question because when I talk to people and they tell me things they want to do or people they’re interested in, it’s amazing how quickly they will justify the reason or reasons why they didn’t go after it. Most times failing to realize that it comes down to fear. Being paralyzed by the idea of failing, made them a fail in their desire. We all know that you never get what you want if you don’t try. You also don’t find out if that thing or person is really a fit for you if you’re not putting your energy or effort into the matter.

It seems to be the most frequently talked about and known cliché thrown around and yet we still have so many folks who struggle to get out of their own way to go after that dream or goal or situation that might turn their lives from being ok, or decent, or solid and turn it into a life that is fulfilled and great. Greatness really isn’t something that you’re born with. You can be born into privilege or opportunity. You can be born into disadvantage or struggle, but it all amounts to just how much you’re willing to put yourself out there. I don’t know why this became the topic of discussion today in this post, but it just feels like I’ve come across so many people of late who have so many big dreams, goals or wants and just aren’t willing to get out of their own heads to take the risk of going for it. People who want to move out of the state they reside and move elsewhere, scared of leaving family or of being in a place they aren’t familiar. People who want to change professions that aren’t willing to push themselves and put their resume out for new opportunities. People who want to be on television, but not utilizing their resources to be discovered. People who want to sing, and instead of pursuing the goals blame others for their downfall.

I hope people really understand that it’s not about who didn’t do this or that for you. It’s not about what you don’t have that someone else does. It often comes down to who wants it the most. Who is willing to fail in order to get better. learn and go after that goal or dream again. If you want to be happy and inlove and married, you have to be willing to get your heart broken in order to get the love of your life. If you want to be a professional athlete, you have to be willing to get cut or be a backup in order to go after your dream of making it and being a main piece of the puzzle. Whatever it is you want to do, you have to be willing to make mistakes, be willing to fail, be willing to be critiqued so that you can be better and obtain what it is that you want. I will never understand why someone will let themselves settle all because you don’t want to take a chance. Or because you don’t want to be alone. If you’re giving the right energy, truth is you will never really be fully alone. Because people will continue to gravitate towards you, because you have energy that is magnetic.

Success and failure is as simple as risk versus reward. If you’re willing to risk it, you’re willing to reap all the reward of the energy and effort that you are putting into whatever it is that you’re doing. Be the next President of the United States, the next Governor of your state, the next Senator, the next astronaut or military General. Discover the cure to cancer and the cure to HIV/AIDS. All the things that are out there to achieve are only possible if you’re willing to fall and fail. If you are willing to be vulnerable in order to get people to invest in your journey. Take the chance, take the risk. Be bold, be confident and be resolved. If you do all of those things, you will get to what you want. Talent is part of it, mentality is the other part of it. Go strong and don’t let fear make you fail.

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Heart Chronicles – Real equals Real

Part of the problem with dating in the gay community, particularly the Black Gay community, is that no one really wants to be real and open with themselves and their feelings. Clearly this doesn’t apply to all people and in all places, but it is especially for folks who live in major metropolitan cities that are highly attractive tourist cities. There is this seemingly invisible, but very noticeable, atmosphere of fakeness. In short, so many niggas feel like they either have to stunt, pretend or manipulate their way through relationships. Willing to do emotional, mental and in some cases, physical trauma to a person in order to get what they want. Or to make sure that they’re never “missing out” on the next hot thing they see. It is the sad truth, that more often than not, gays like to be hoes. They like to feel like they’re the shit because they can get lots of dick or ass at any time, rather than feeling great knowing that that’s out there, but someone wants to take the time to know them and try to build something special and meaningful with them.

I think part of that struggle to get real and be real is because so many guys now are willing to have long term friends with benefits, and there is now a huge increase of open relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Essentially creating the space for a man to have what he wants. To be able to have more than one guy that they are dating and fucking and it all be above board. It allows the hoe to be a hoe, while also giving himself a little sense of security, because they have one or multiple that are their consistent sex and emotionally connected person. Missing are the days where guys really want to have something consistent. Something that takes time and effort and makes you have to show your true self in order to get what it is that you want. It is truly my opinion that because so many guys who want something real, come across all these liars and fakes, they eventually grow tired and allow themselves to just have casual interests, while waiting for the real one to come along. The tricky thing about that though is if you aren’t careful you become just what it is that you didn’t want.

The reality of what I notice is that it’s hard to come across people who are willing to tell you the truth and let that stand for itself. They rather tell a room full of lies and misrepresentations, when the simple truth will do. If all you want is sex with no strings say that from jump. If you’re looking for friends with sex privileges, then let that be known from jump as well. Don’t sit and give the lip service, you know you want to find someone special or you not trying to rush into anything; knowing that what you really mean is you just want to fuck and leave the emotions and attachments for another day if ever. The truth of the matter is you will attract what it is that your energy gives off. You can say all day long that you want the real thing, but if you’re vibes and energy don’t say that, you’re likely to come across mostly people who just want to fuck . Or those who to fuck and get financial benefits from you. It is very interesting just how many people say they want a guy but really they want the perks of the guy without really putting themselves into the situation.

The other unfortunate thing that comes from these currents dealings in a lot of places across the country is guys taking advantage of the getting to know you process. You know how that goes, you get a bottom who says they don’t want the usual shit. They don’t wanna Netflix and chill or nothing, they want to be takes on a date or dates. They want more than just the typical interaction. And while that can be true at times, it’s also true that usually means they’re going to use the person for what they can get. if they’re willing to spend a little money to make them feel special, they will try to ride that out for as long as they can. Or the reverse can be true as well. Guys now give the sob story of how they have no one to help them. That they work hard but are always broke. Never having money of their own for anything because they always spend it on “bills”. And again, this can be a logical and reasonable situation, but all too often it’s not. It’s just the latest scheme for a guy to get money out of people for their own benefit. And if the guy is real, he will peep that bull shit and just simply walk away, if he’s not or he’s desperate, well… ya pockets gone get touched up a little bit.

I don’t judge anybody for what they choose to do because it’s not my business to judge how you make your life choices. In this case, I’m just issuing words of advice… if you want to be a hoe be that, if you want to fuck around with a couple people do that, if you want to be a hopeless romantic lover, be that. No matter which path you choose and how you choose to operate in your personal life, just be authentic. Be real about your shit. It’s the thing that separates respect from disgust. I’m easy to admit that I can be a hoe, I can let you be my friend with benefits or I can cuff you. It’s all subject to what energy you give me. It depends on what you show me, more than what you tell me. As I told someone earlier, I do whatever I want whenever I want, until such time that someone decides they want to have my time and I feel they are worth it. They give me honesty and transparency that entices me to want to know more, have more, be more. I’m sure many of you feel the same way and once you announce that to the world, then you allow for all of your options to present themselves transparent and open, the choice then becomes yours.

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White History, No Problem.. American History Problem!

One way to really get a Conservative White person mad.. tell them that you’re going to teach Critical Race Theory in history classrooms across this country. I mean that will “chap their ass” faster than anything. See from everything that I keep reading, and seeing on this topic, so many parents are outraged that schools want to teach real American history, and not this hyper Patriotic bull shit they taught for so many years. They make the Civil War seem so Black and White, when it wasn’t. They love to make it seem like it was a choice for us to be in this country. And conversely, they make it seem to so easy for us to just leave the country and go back to our motherland. Knowing that the resources have been depleted heavily and the access to good and quality healthcare isn’t the same. Maybe if you give us back all the gold and minerals and resources back that were taken when we were enslaved we can leave this country is peace.

I am always tickled when the discussion comes to teaching real American History just how much White folks get mad at that idea. They love to say that the way history has been taught for decades is just fine, why do we want to further divide our kids and this nation. It is my opinion that this fucking country has always been vastly divided because of the poor and distrustful way that American history has been taught in classroom through history books in this country. The fact that White people get credited with so many inventions, yet they love to tell the stories of how they had they slaves, Black people, making and building everything. If that is the case then how the fuck can they be responsible for all of these inventions? Yes, I think there is a big fuckin omission in history, as presently told, for the full contributions of Black people in this country. I also think that history is slightly distorted when discussing the Civil War. Yes, in part the war was over the North and South trying to “free” the slaves, but to be clear many of those in power in the North owned slaves as well as. There were and still are portions of the North that weren’t very friendly to Black people. Yet that doesn’t really get covered much in the telling of American history in classrooms across this nation either.

I get very annoyed when I hear so many of the supposed to be outraged parents spewing ignorance because they don’t want their children to be taught equality. They just want them to be brainwashed to thinking that how history has been told is the only way. That their people had a moral struggle to determine what was the right thing to do and in the end only they made the decision to free Black people during that Civil War. Then they casually gloss over the fact that even after being “freed” we still had to deal with Jim Crow and Segregation. We still had to deal with “separate but equal”. Which we know full damn well won’t shit equal about that time period equal. They’re satisfied with there being only that weak ass month in February for Black History. That is enough in their minds. They don’t really want the true trails and challenges put before Black people to become known. Because if we do that, then they have to accept that they were racist and prejudice. They have to answer questions from their children as to why they treated us unfairly. They would have to come to grips with the wrong doings of their Grandfathers or Grandmothers. Great grandparents that may still be living and they can’t do that.

They want to preserve their history and the place that their families have in the rich story that is America. They don’t want to look at the facts that they took the land from the Native Americans and forced them to retreat to smaller plots of land throughout the country. They don’t want to accept the fact that they brought and traded people for use and to pay off debts. Indentured Servants was something that was very pervasive and popular during and through slavery. Human Trafficking, the crime as it is today, was legal and practiced without prejudice then. Imagine having to explain to your child why their grandparents or great grandparents were selling people to each other to be used for labor and to rape in order for them to have their babies. They don’t want to discuss how because of the slave trade and the raping of the resources from Africa, how America became an even stronger power and dominant nation. Telling the full arc of American history requires busting through that façade that American has always been a place for the displaced and down trodden. That may have been the case for some ethnicities, but for Black people, this was the place where we were forced to live and be prisoners. The place where we made and developed so many things, but weren’t allowed to have ownership or possession of them. This is place where when we figured out how to run their system better than them they burned our shit to the ground. Making sure that we would have a much harder time trying establish and maintain generational wealth for our families and communities.

The thing about history is if you don’t know it and learn it, then you are doomed to repeat it. But what happens when they erase your history from the books. What happens when they take your stories and make them into their own because they control the machine. They run the system so they can always make the narrative fit into the imagination that they have planned out in their minds. Only recently has there been a movement to become more real with the history of this nation. Telling stories as the facts really bare them out. Acknowledging that race is, was and always will be a divisive force in this country until it is sufficiently acknowledged and atoned for by those who put us in this position. The day may come where we have to address these dark underbellies of American history and I hope instead of running from it or getting defensive and wanting to destroy facts and truth of history, we give the kids a chance to know the truth. We give the nation a chance to learn the truth and come together. Maybe then we can heal some of what has always ailed this nation. Accept the truth, put truth to power and then maybe American history won’t be so toxic to discuss in all it’s glory and all it’s failure.

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Secure My bag

As this country continues to open back up and companies look to rehire and staff up as a result, it’s funny to me how many companies are having a hard time filling the job openings they have. It’s almost like they’ve forgotten just how pathetic the money they were paying people prior to the pandemic. I think something that was lost in the this pandemic was that when people were receiving their unemployment benefits, plus the federal matching dollars, it allowed many people to get a taste of what real middle class living is like and they don’t want to give that up. Now yes, to some extent we all understand that those benefits won’t last forever, and as a result people will have to go back to work. The thing is though, this pandemic has pulled the scab off another one of America’s hemorrhaging social and financial issues.. the living wage in America isn’t being paid by a majority of these companies. You can start with whatever industry that you choose to and you will see that what companies pay most workers is bull shit. It’s like they’ve been stuck in 2000 for the past twenty years and every day folks are getting tired of not being paid a salary that lets them live in peace.

Do you realize that most people in this country either have a second, or third job just to make ends meet in their lives. Just so they can pay bills and have a little something left over to treat themselves. People are out here scamming and using their bodies sexually to make money or extra money because the “normal system” really isn’t paying them shit. So why not turn to something that doesn’t take taxes out and you can monetize yourself far quicker. I was watching one morning show and I found it laughable that one of the small business owners was upset that he had to raise the pay and offer signing bonuses to get employees in the door. He said that it was going to be harder for them to make profit doing that as well. I sat and I wondered to myself, how long have you been fucking people out of a real salary before this pandemic. People had no choice but to accept those jobs pre-pandemic because they didn’t have easier access to assistance that allowed them to pay their bills while obtaining a higher paying job. Think about that, you want to make more money, but the job you have uses job classification loop holes and phony “cost of labor” numbers to dictate pay, rather than the real cost of living to determine what to pay someone.

I just really wonder how long companies thought that they were going to continue to get away with just paying people low middle class to high barely above poverty wages? And let’s not forget Congress. You know them “Conservative” ass Republicans who don’t even want to let wages be standardized at $15.00 an hour. I mean that’s not even a living wage, but damn, it’s much better than the current minimum wages across most all states in this country. Quite honestly, with the current prices of food, gas, clothing and housing, paying $20.00 an hour isn’t enough to live with comfort in most places. I can literally remember when I started working seriously and I was making salaries similar to what they’re still paying today and it makes no sense at all to me. Like where do these people get their numbers from when it comes to salaries? It just feels like all these corporations have done is made record profits quarter after quarter, year after year and haven’t reinvested that money into their people. They’ve kept it in their pockets. Meanwhile, everything has continued to increase. The things we need to survive have gone up in price, why can’t our salaries match that? Why are so many Republicans afraid to let people make a baseline wage? They claim to be so American and being the party for the American people, but all their policies are geared towards rich ass people who don’t need the shit.

You know I really don’t understand the argument made against paying people salaries that lets them not need to rely on the Federal and State social/financial assistance programs. I wonder if enough of us think about just how much more beneficial it would be if we made enough money to only need one job and not two. That means it’s even more jobs out there to be had. It means that younger folks, like teenagers and college students can have jobs that aren’t being taken by someone who needs the extra pay check. If we actually changed the tax code so that rich people paid actual taxes. Not some bull shit amount that barely amounts to a tenth of their earnings. But they pay actual income taxes like regular folks do, and give tax breaks to middle class people so that we’re not losing a third of our checks to taxes then the another third to health insurance. Why the fuck do we have the most expensive health care premiums in the world? We can pay upwards of 300 to 500 dollars a month for insurance premiums and still have to pay co-pays and deductibles for services. Why the fuck don’t the premiums cover the co-pays? Talk about a monopoly on the system. The shit is rigged for you to go broke taking care of yourself if you get any type of illness.

This pandemic is waking Americans up to the need and desire to make more, while not constantly over-extending yourself. Make a living and not be so tired that you can’t have a life. No one is saying that they’re opposed to hard work, but we are opposed to hard work with nothing to show for it. So I say keep pushing, keep holding out and force these companies to have to increase their wages in order for us to work for them. Make them compete for our services. Clearly, Congress ain’t gone do shit to help us get the salaries we deserve, so we have to take it upon ourselves to get what we deserve. Secure your bag the way you want and live the best way you can in the process.

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Heart Chronicles – Real High

Every so often I sit back and wonder what happened to me over the years. I see what use to be and how I use to feel and wonder, have I been that damaged that I don’t even really recognize myself today. The thing about pain and being hurt is that is strips away the naïve part of the mind that you live within. It hardens you to life and it can sap you of the natural highs that you use to feel often. You know I can remember when I was in my late teens and early twenties, I use to never need to smoke weed to feel that sensation of being high. I didn’t need to drink too much or smoke numerous blunts to be lifted to a place that felt beyond Earth. All I really had to do was wake up, and let the music play and my mind and heart were so filled with happiness that I just had natural highs that were epic. I remember one day I was just really feeing myself. I was feeling good and I had no real way to explain the feeling. I couldn’t really tell you why, other than I felt great. Even though I was dealing with a few challenges, it was nothing that I felt I couldn’t deal with, and consequently, I wasn’t bothered. That Saturday morning I got up, washed my face, brushed my teeth, turned on my music, opened my blinds and let the beautiful light from the sun come into my apartment. I smiled when I looked into the mirror and I just knew the day was going to be great.

Earth Wind and Fire was blaring through the speakers and I was jamming. I called my mom laughed with her a little bit, called my best friend and we talked for a couple hours too. Then I went about the day without a care in the world. I washed my car so she would feel as good and clean as I did, then came home and made some lunch. I called my other best friend and laughed at him for a bit and then just enjoyed the day. I remembered talking to some guy on the phone and he asked me was I high. LMAO. I guess because my voice was very much so full of life and I couldn’t stop laughing at him and making jokes. I told him at that time that I didn’t smoke, I was just truly high off life. I felt great, things were working in my favor and I just had so much joy and energy inside me that I feel like I’m floating. I remember him telling me to hold on to that feeling for as long as I can. He said that he had those moments too and when they happened he just tried to keep it going until it left him. Not rushing it away or trying to bring people into his environment who could potentially spoil his high.

That’s been so many years ago that I wonder if I even know what it’s like to have a natural high anymore. I sued to sometimes feel a spiritual high during and after church service, but they never really seemed to last too long. Usually within an hour or two of being out of service that feeling leaves and it’s back to whatever normal feelings that I have that day. I miss those feelings though too. At least knowing that those endorphins were kicking in to make me feel like the world is beneath me and I’m floating on air was amazing. Now, I can’t tell you what that feels like anymore. It’s been soo long since I’ve had that feeling that it just feels like I’m not even connected to my natural feelings anymore. At least not the ones that make me feel really good anyway. Those feelings are the shortest lived feelings ever right now in my life. I can feel good and be in good spirits and then just like a puff of wind, it’s gone. Replaced by the pain or sadness or depression that often roams through my head and heart. It’s like I’ve been robbed of the ability to naturally feel good about myself, the only thing that gets me there is a blunt.

I can remember me saying that I never wanted to be that type of person. I never wanted to have life hit me in such a way that I needed to turn to weed just to make myself feel good for any prolonged period of time. I always said that I would remember who I am and just how much the spirit of life was in me and that would always be with me through the trials of life. I thought that I had solid foundational understanding of how to keep in touch with that part of my heart and spirit. Now here we are today and I can tell you that I don’t who that man is anymore. Seriously, I don’t even know who I am anymore. There was a time when having a lot of sex to me was a turn off. It was an afterthought because I always wanted to be settled and married to just one guy. Letting him have all of me and me having all of him. Always willing to be experimental with him so that we never lost the spice in bed. Never going soo far as to just get too loose with it and being the whore that I’ve become. I look at myself and I ask myself who have I become? Why do I hate myself so much that I’m willing to let myself be used for sex so much? Notice I didn’t say just my ass or dick, because I use them both.

It is one of the hardest and disappointing things that I’ve come to realize about myself. My ability to create and release that natural high seems to be long gone. A thing of the past that doesn’t seem to be returning anytime soon. I’ve tried for the past couple days not to smoke weed to see if I can create that feeling of being high on my own, and it really hasn’t worked out so well. The laughs still come, the jokes are still right there at the top of my head, but the fun isn’t really there. After I say my few jokes, I recede back into my own world. Not wanting to be bothered or talked to very much. More interested in the show that’s playing on the tv on my phone, than listening to what anyone has to say. Knowing that if I was high, I would be all engaged and just laughing it up, but I’m not and I don’t really want to be bothered. I really wonder if I’ve lost all sense of who I am. I wonder if I have lost all ability to love life for what it is, no matter the struggles that come my way. I watch my friends and shit living and enjoying life, while me I sit and just seem to stay stuck. Unable to let go and just enjoy the moments in life. I’m alone and depressed. All people want to do is lie and make themselves feel good by getting in my energy, taking my energy and then going on about their way. Not wanting to really expend the energy to know me, just feeding their fuel cells with my premium energy.

I guess I’ve been too damaged and too scared to really appreciate life for now. Maybe something will puncture this bubble and I will be able to breathe again. Find the air that lets natural highs reign supreme and removes the need to hit them trees. I try every day to find that person that use to exist. Not to return to the old, but bring part of the old into the new. Mold that sweet, exuberant energy with the wise maturity of today. A hybrid that is dynamic and unstoppable. I pray I find that man before it’s too late. God I miss seeing me, the true and pure form of me. A natural high is the best feeling ever and one day that high will find me again.

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Heart Chronicles – A Liars Truth

I don’t know if this will apply to anyone who reads this, but maybe you know someone like this or you’ve been the recipient of this type of situation. There is a reality that I’ve learned about someone who has lied to you on an important level, that to me is funny and at the same time disturbing. A liar feels that once they’ve found their conscious to tell you the truth that they shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your energy after being told the truth, because they’ve already had to deal with their own issues and feelings about the situation. It’s like they feel entitled to be let off the hook from any further consequence, like ok they admitted to the truth so give them credit and let the situation die. I don’t know who told them that, but that has got to be the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever seen. Admitting that you lied isn’t the get out of jail free card. It is the start of maybe being forgiven, and working your way towards being trusted again. The truth starts that process towards healing and having real openness, not you feeling vindicated and just simply moving forward.

Something else that learned about a liar’s truth, is they may not accept all of what them telling the truth means. They don’t necessarily accept that there are emotional pains that need to be healed from the lies. When you lie about serious matters and then come clean, it creates a ripple effect that takes time to recover from, if you ever recover. The trust that’s lost may never return, and just as importantly, the emotional scars you caused by hiding the truth and just expecting your honesty to remove whatever damage you caused is totally unrealistic. I don’t understand why someone who lied feels that they can just snap their fingers with the truth and magically everything is back to normal. You have to do some work to try and gain back what was lost. The vibe is completely fucked up, the energy is off balance, and your mind is no where near stable. Your heart is most likely torn too, because you gave it to someone thinking that they’re going to protect it and cherish it. Instead, they decide to hurt it and tear it apart. Do people think about the full consequences of their act of lying? Is it that you think the truth is more hurtful that those lies you’re about to tell. Or is it that you’re too selfish and don’t want to lose someone?

The worst thing that a liar can do is tell the truth and then shut the conversation off because they don’t want to hear how they’ve made the person feel. It is a cowards way out to me and it also shows how little respect you have for the feelings of the person you’ve been lying to. How can you expect to turn the page and maintain anything of substance if you don’t allow the person to fully express how they feel. It all rings of selfishness in my mind and there really isn’t way to spin it to say it is anything different. If anyone says, oh I lied to protect you because I didn’t think you could handle knowing the truth, you’re just covering up the fact that you knew if you told the truth the person would stop fucking wit yo lame ass. It wasn’t that you lied to protect them, you lied to protect yourself. You knew that you would be on the outs and lose out on someone that was good for you, so you hid that shit so you could keep what you got. The problem is either your conscious or the pressure of keeping up them lies would get the best of you at some point. That is if you really care about the person, you’re not going to want to keep lying to them or hiding shit from them. If you’re just narcistic. In that case, you will keep lying to protect your ass.

Come to think of it, I’m almost sure that most everyone has dealt with this in some fashion with someone close to them in life. Be it a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend or family member. You know how you felt when the truth was finally told to you. You know that sickening feeling that you got in your stomach. You know how angry and hurt it made you to know that that person would lie to you about something important and significant. I’m sure in the moments that followed you questioned that person, their loyalty to you and whether or not you could trust them. I just really wonder why so many liars feel they’re entitled to coming clean and not having to hear about it though. Like you really feel that you should get a medal for telling the truth. You know, the thing that you’re supposed to do anyway. If you had done that to begin with, there wouldn’t be a need for the moment in the first place. As I found myself in this situation not too long ago, I sat thinking all the things that I’ve written about today. My conclusion for my situation is that the nigga was selfish and only wanted to think about him and what he wanted. Little does he know, it is all coming to an end, sooner than he realizes.

Like, comment, discuss with your people. Tell the truth.

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Heart Chronicles – You Say We’re Friends

This has been eating away at me for a little bit of time now and I guess now is as good of a time as any to really release these feelings and thoughts. I’m currently in the middle of trying to figure out, what is really a friend and who in my life really fits that image. It’s funny, for as long as I can remember I’ve never really struggled to have what you would call friends. As a child I made friends easily and seemingly effortlessly. It was pretty easy to tell that we had a real friendship at that time. How you say? Because those people were always around me and I was always around them too. It didn’t matter if I moved away from the neighborhood or we into the normal dumb arguments that friends have, we were always going to wind up right back around each other before too much time passed. And the biggest thing about it was that it very rarely one sided. Meaning, my friends would call and come see about me just as much as I would see about them. It was a mutual understanding of friendship and brotherhood/sisterhood. Never to be too far away from each other. Never allow ourselves to get so busy that we lose track of each other. Those were the easier days too I suppose. No responsibility really, just school, homework and playing. No kids, or careers/ jobs, boyfriends or girlfriends to really disrupt the circle too much.

What inevitably happens though, is we get older and the roads we take in life separate us sometimes. Some move out of state for college, or just to start life elsewhere. Some get married, have kids and settle down, which means their friend group is going to change. A married person with kids definitely tends to connect with other married or parenting type folks. They have more in common and have a better idea of how to offer the support needed during the child raising and marital life situations. So it is understandable that friendships grow and develop on some levels and they shrink or become estranged on other levels. Yet, I am one person who believes that real true friendships withstand all of those things. When it is someone who has shared your life intimately and have become like family, they don’t just get swept out and away. You just don’t forget them or push them out of the routine of your life. That’s what I thought, maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe they dynamics of all friendships change such that when you’re out of sight then you are somewhat out of mind. No matter how much you try to use that phone to keep contact, it just doesn’t work if there is too much distance and so much of life being lived that you just don’t have time.

Over the past couple of years I have come to wonder just how many real friends do I have currently in my life. This question sometimes hit me like a ton of bricks, as both newer, but lengthy friendships seem to have faded away and the long term ones don’t seem as settled and fulfilling. Far more distance and one sided contact than what I ever thought would happen. I’ve asked the friends that I thought I had on numerous occasions to meet up just to catch up. To have dinner or drinks or do something so we can take some time to reconnect, build back the foundation that may have cracks and every time I’m shut down and told no. Reasons that in my mind aren’t valid or justified for just not trying to have some bonding time. I find myself now ever increasingly alone, no one to consistently talk to, hang out with, travel and just enjoy some of life’s moments. Hell even sexually, friends with benefits are harder and harder to come by here in this city. So many preferring to continue to try new and unknown partners, rather than gettin what they know is grade A quality and satisfaction. It’s the desire to have group sex or threesomes all the time. It’s the what can you do for me, friend with benefits. You know we can fuck around as long as you doing more than just giving me sex.

Nothing replaces that feeling of being able to call your best friends or your really close friends and talking about the day. Maybe gossiping about the bullshit at work or what someone said to you. Talking about the same shows you guys watch or planning a trip or outing together. Things that create memories and make lasting moments. If you cherish these types of interactions, nothing makes you feel more angst, sadness and hurt than not being able to have those reliable people there, around and close to go through some of life’s darkest moments. Yes, I can say that I have a couple that fit this mold and I’m so thankful for them. The truth is, the ones that were the closest and that I’ve known the longest, are the ones that aren’t here. They’re the ones that things are so one sided; if I don’t message them or call them, then I’m never going to hear from them until something happens. It hurts when you feel yourself losing a friend. When you know that you’ve done all you can and you’ve tried to talk to them about it and still it goes away. There are days where I really feel as if I have no one. That is a very lonesome feeling, it’s one that makes you question your character and whether people really are for you, when you’re not doing things that immediately benefit them. And it all makes you wonder, you are really my friend.

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Heart Chronicles – Past Dreams Present Disappointment

So many times we hear that you shouldn’t dwell on the past. It’s said in many different iterations and forms, all with the same meaning. But, there is also knowledge passed that you must learn from your past or else you will be doomed to repeat it. These competing messages offer a glimpse into why so many people, in my mind, struggle to reckon with their past wishes and failures. And why, in their present, they have such disappointment. I have to admit that I am guilty of this a little bit and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve experienced too many past blow ups of great dreams that I feel stagnant and disappointed in my present. Or, if it is because the dreams of the past were so strong and positive and genuine; and because of the people who I tried to share those dreams with, it left a void and a lot of heart break and sadness. Either way, when you can begin to identify those things and work to reconcile those issues and feelings, then you can work to turn your present dreams into present and future success.

Sometimes when you start dreaming of the future and planning to have a certain someone be apart of that future, it can take a lot of energy and emotional fuel out of you when that dream blows up in smoke. Especially, if it’s a hard breakup or life altering situations within that end. It can leave you hesitant to draw up the next big personal dream that involves another. It can also make you not want to dream those utopian ideas for you and the next love interest. Often times, I’ve found that it turns people into one of two things. It either makes them very hard and rigid. Preferring to be single and have causal, surface level relationships with people. Just keeping themselves and their bodies bottled up, avoiding the flights of fancy that caused their heart to be broken however many times. The other type of person it spawns is the more loose and carefree person. The one who is far more sexually permissive and explorative. They don’t mind having multiple casual sexual interests, but careful and intentional enough to make sure it doesn’t extend beyond that. They don’t mind making you a permanent friend with benefits, but know that something more serious is highly unlikely.

Me personally, it took years of having my dreams end in nightmares before I just turned into the person who has a lot of sex, makes many friends with benefits, but very few real friends. And in turn, lovers who never really commit themselves to me, just the idea of being with me. Getting all the benefits that I offer. A good heart, giving and great sex, all while plotting their next moves. I’ve tried to be, and have been, in serious relationships the past few years, and all of them wind up ending around the same type of issues. Me not feeling appreciated enough, feeling like my sex is the main attraction, along with my money, too much talk of commitment and not enough action. Never being shown, the way I show them, that they’re important and a priority in my life. So lately, the past six months or so, what has happened is now I’ve just really dismissed the idea of a relationship. I’ve stuck to what I know works best and gets the most attention for me. Having lots of sex, most of the time good to great sex, but sometimes major disappointments there too.

It all revolves around the idea that the past pains from dreams unfulfilled lead to present distractions and resentments, that cause you to not want to lean into those pure and idealistic dreams. Rather, you choose to live in the sarcastic and manipulated real world that we live in. One in which, you have to carefully and wisely decide if, or when, you will use the dreams of your past to hopefully create the happiness of your present. For some you may not understand, or you may disagree, and that too is okay. I’ve learned that people often don’t want accept that the reasons for their actions in the present is directly tied to the results from the past. Most like to think that it is an evolution of sorts that got them to where they are today. That because of what they went thru before they made changes to themselves that lets them behave how they do today. And while I don’t completely disagree with that position, because I do believe there is an element of that in all of us, I am much more of the mindset that if you haven’t fully reconciled those past hurts, you’re really just running from those old thoughts and desires. Letting yourself exist in a shell to protect yourself or as a hoe to shield yourself from is really going on inside of you.

The truth is all that hurt and pain from before creates self doubt. You have issues with your self-esteem, because you aren’t certain that you’re worthy enough to have the things you dream about in the real, woke world that you live in. It fuels your general negative feelings that exist in your mind. We have to face facts that the negative thoughts that we hold sometimes are far easier to tap into than the positive ones. When you take stock of the personal relationships you have built and if you have feelings of being slighted or unappreciated, it can have a tendency to feed the narrative that somehow you aren’t good enough or deserving of those things you think about. It takes a very mentally stable and strong individual to realize that you can’t allow for the absence of another to be associated with you necessarily. If you know that you have only been good to that person and never wronged them, you have to accept that maybe they just aren’t meant to be that close to you in life. And while it does hurt, it is a truth that you have to come to grips with in order to prevent an erosion of your personal wealth.

To be clear this also isn’t just about love relationships either. Sometimes the biggest disappointments and unfulfilled dreams lie within friendships and family relationships as well. These can have a lasting and often times largely damaging effect on someone if they don’t have positive energy. The foundation of a person is usually established at home with your family and loved ones. If those relationships sour and destroy the dreams that you had of what support from family and close friends looks like, then that also is likely to have a grave impact. It is likely to leave you questioning everyone else as you struggle to find the desire and ability to trust strangers, because those you know have caused you so much pain and disappointment along the way. It’s very unfortunate, but it is the way of life that you have to be careful of everyone that you allow to enter your personal space. You have to caution yourself as to how much you allow yourself to dream those sugary dreams, because what lies on the other side of that is disappointment, anger, frustration and pain. How you navigate through all of that will be critical for how your present looks and feels to you.

Maybe the worst things that can happen are for family members and close friends to dramatically cause emotional scars to you. It has a lasting effect that sometimes never goes away. It masks itself and will rear it’s head in your mind and thoughts. Sure to cause to emotional instability and disconnects as you go along your journey. When these things become the norm and the exception, it is time for you to look inward and decide if you are ready to handle those emotional challenges that are preventing you from having true happiness in your life. You can’t be afraid to challenge the people that you hold near and dear to you. It’s the only way that you will break through that cycle of pain. In order to hurt people to stop hurting people, they have address the issues that are bringing them the pain, so they can resolve the hurt, find the peace and stop inflicting pain onto others. Heal the world by healing yourself. If each of us took that time to do some healing, then we really could make this world better than what it has been.

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Heart Chronicles – Missing In Action

Over and over I think about what a friend is suppose to be. I challenge myself to select friends that I have in my based upon that particular definition. Then, I erase that mindset and just ask a simpler question… Who is there for me when I need them? Who checks on me when I haven’t sent messages in a couple days or so? Who doesn’t wait for their to be a situation or a provoking post, to reach out and check on my well being? Who isn’t switching up, now that I don’t run the streets much or I don’t over extend myself for them? All of these questions, you might say are more complex that asking myself the definition of friend and seeing who fits it. And if you think that way, then you’re missing part of this entire post. Asking myself that question means I’m making it complex. Because, I’m choosing to omit things that maybe I need to consider. So to ask the direct and pointed questions make it easy. It takes away the guessing or the built in reasons, or excuses, that might be provided and simply gets to the root. Who really cares?

Depending on how you think and what your life experience is, you may think that it’s unfair to associate who really cares, with the above mentioned simple questions asked. Because you might be quick to point out that someone may be going through things in life or they may be transitioning to different levels within their personal or professional careers. It may be some kind of difficulty that they’ve experienced and they need to be supported and checked on, rather than doing the supporting and consoling. In some fashion, you may have a point, but the purpose of friendship is to provide that life raft, any point when it is needed, and if you’re always the person that is waiting for someone to reach out to you in order for you to lend your support, well you’re actually part of the problem. Friends are suppose to have a spirit-like connection. They can sense or feel when someone they care for is in distress or discomfort. And if they can’t, once contact is made they can realize that something is off and change the tenor and tone of their communicative efforts.

To me, friends don’t require reminding or primping. They don’t need you to always be the first to call and check in. Maybe, there is a little time between communicating, but it shouldn’t be the regular practice that you go weeks and months without talking with one another. That seems like a long distance friend. Or maybe a friend out of convenience. Or maybe, they’re just a normal friend. Not to be confused with best friend or close friend. I’m not sure which way you really want to try and isolate or separate the friend category, but one thing I think should be clear, is that there should never really be a feeling of a one sided friendship. If that does occur, maybe you need to redefine how close of a friend this person really is to you. Or alter your definition and thinking of a friend. For me, as of late, I have been questioning if my definition of friend is appropriate. Maybe I need to rethink of how a friendship is constituted. It feels like to me, I’m losing all the close friendships that I have. It feels like everyone is just becoming a causal, situational friend. It doesn’t feel like I have a best friend or any close friends at all. It all is starting to feel transactional. Like when their moment calls for it, they are a close friend, but on the large picture scale, I’m just another one of their many “friends”. Nothing special to the friendship, as initially thought, just someone else who can fill the void when needed. To answer to their needs and comforts when called upon.

It’s crazy to me that when I was in my lowest of places. My darkest of corners and despair, there were more of these close friends to be found. Maybe because I was weak and more prone to being taken advantage of for their needs. You know, willing to spend whatever I had so we could hang out and have fun. Or allowing them to use my place as their retreat from life’s challenges. Venting their hurts and pains, their shortcomings and complaints, being a sexual release, in some cases, when they didn’t want the risks of the unknown, but the assurances and guarantees of satisfaction and safety in my possession. It’s so hard when you are and have been so present for people, to not get that treatment in any meaningful way back from them. And yes, I’m that friend who will blunt say, I don’t feel appreciated to any and all friends, so it’s known how I feel. Wait for the usual bull shit answer and regret that I even said anything because it never really changes anything. The truth is, as with all other things, when you are a true friend that someone cares about they will make time to give you time. Whether it’s a little or a lot. No matter daily or weekly, there will be time given to validate those feelings of attachment that you have because of the bond that you’ve built.

It is truly odd to me that someone who doesn’t know me well, or hasn’t had the experiences and bonds with me over time, is more willing and desiring to be in my space than the people who know my quality and character. They’re the ones that can be found that will quickly shoot that empty, baseless Happy Birthday text or post, but have no real substance or meaning behind it. Finding way to avoid being present but at the same time wanting to preserve their “spot” as a true friend. Far too may days I’m alone. Alone in my thoughts and alone in my feelings. Missing the companionship of friends. Wondering why people reduce it down to what you can do for them. Can you deliver great sex? Can you provide refuge from the elements? Can you provide them some kind of assistance, so then they may give you their time. Always a transaction. Always something for something, never something for nothing. Never sacrificing getting something for doing something. Maybe, that’s why now instead of trying to push for time with friends, I just try to make the most of the time with myself. Lonely and as quiet as it may be, I don’t have to worry about any ulterior motives. I don’t have to wonder am I going to be expected to pay for the meal or take us shopping because I want to do something.

Oh how I miss the days of being a kid. When having friendships truly existed. I had real friends then. We did everything together even when the outside world didn’t understand how our friendships came to be and how they manage to be so strong. Before the complexities of life and the worries of image and association became so important. Before it mattered if people cared how you spent your time. And before you became concerned with you being on the high end of the transaction. A friend allows you to take yourself out of the world of Me and firmly place yourself in the word of We. I miss those we days. They were so fun and fulfilling. But, over time, I’ve grown tired of trying to continue to cultivate new genuine friendships, where we willingly sacrifice I for Us. Missing in action.

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Heart Chronicles – The voices within

You know one of the most difficult things to do is to talk about mental health issue, and/or, personal insecurities that you have within yourself. It requires to have a level of vulnerability that not everyone is comfortable with having. Sometimes it takes me time to write some of these more revealing posts because I have to mentally prepare myself for the vulnerability I’m about to show, but I think that the mark of a good to great writer, is being willing to put yourself into your writing. That is, allowing your readers to see and feel you in what you writing. This post, much like the one that posted earlier this week, is tough, because it is forcing me to openly confront certain issues that are deeply personal and issues that I don’t quite have control of. But I think for the sake of my healing and for transparency I want to lay it out here and address it.

The truth of me is that I struggle with depression and I have type two bi-polar disorder. These things combined together produce some very twisted voices in my head. There are days where I’m feeling good and positive about the changes and progress made in life. And in an instant, my mind will think about where I currently am and where I should be and it will cause a regression back to the insecure version of myself that exists. Or, I will think about the sexual addiction I have and while I should be far more concerned with containing it, I’m actively thinking about who I can fuck and when. It’s something that makes me feel some kind of way because my memory also triggers me back to the trauma and devastation that I’ve experienced dealing with my ex. You know when you already have depression and anxiety issues, and you have bi-polar disorder, it can be a very difficult combination. Most people only think about the aggressive and violent end of being bi-polar. But, there is a even more unpredictable and potentially harmful side to this disorder, and that’s the depression that can take over.

Much like the manic episodes that someone can have when they’re angry, when someone who is bipolar goes through their depression stages, they can get very deep and dark. It can make you question everything that you’re doing and why you’re doing it. It can make you feel very worthless and unfulfilled. At times, it can make you feel very isolated and alone. It can sometimes make you feel like the world is looking at you, when the reality is you are feeling the pressures from your own mental breakdown. Having multiple voices operating inside me is a challenge. It pushes the boundaries of how focused I can be. It often makes me do contrasting things or feel contrasting feelings. It’s very hard to understand if you don’t identify with this condition. It has been such a struggle because honestly, when I have these spaced out thoughts and feelings I just don’t know what to do. I be wanting to be alone and by myself, but then I want to hear people that care tell me it’s ok. Then I want someone I care about just hold me because I need to feel reassured. And then the other part of my mind wants to fuck and just be wreckless, and have as much fun as possible. Depression is a real thing within this dynamic and mixing that with a high sexual propensity, and a bad temper and having a bit of an anxiety problem and you get a very sporadic disposition. For me this is where I sit.