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Just Keep Spinning

The world mental anguish is a slippery place to be. The struggle with depression and self doubt usually permeates your mind more than a little bit. The hot stove of feeling accomplished and validated, versus wondering if it’s all a setup is so disturbing. It can be difficult to appreciate just how much the cosmic forces have brought you to a path in life that you dreamed of, that you thought about for many, many years. Hearing your thoughts and dreams as a child and young adult in your head while the movie is playing right before your very eyes. The other side of you is saying, do you really deserve this? Are you really the right person for this dream to be coming to fruition for? See that is the push and pull that one can never really escape. It seems that you are destined to walk the tight rope between believing in yourself and your own dreams, and criticizing yourself because you don’t believe that it’s meant to be for you.

The mind set that I present to you is one that is experienced my millions of people across the world. Hell, maybe even billions. People live with self doubt and confidence issues all the time. Most of times, you never see it in that person. You don’t know the extent of how deep it goes. But, if you’re really close to these individuals, you get to peek behind the curtain to see just how debilitating it really is. To actively wonder if this really real, while you’re in the middle of completing one of most productive and potentially life changing meetings in your life, is kinda normal, but also kinda insane. Who really continuously doubts themselves in the face of consistent positive changes being brought into their life? I guess it really is true that once you’ve been burned by life a number of times, the cynic in you becomes the primary character and the believer in you has to wait for further validation. Then again, maybe that’s just the mind of a person who really struggles with their own self confidence. And let me make sure I’m covering all the bases, it’s not just the professional or family issues that fuck you up. It’s the personal ones with other people that usually tend to do the most damage.

Imagine getting promoted into your first formal leadership role. One that, though you don’t have a million years of experience, you are very well qualified for. Only to be constantly disrespected, belittled, marginalized by the other newly hired manager who is an older Black woman. Your same race, with a child who is in your age range, and instead of her celebrating your accomplishment and reinforcing you at a time of some uncertainty, she is the primary person trying to tear you down and sabotage your opportunity. And to be fair, there was plenty of reinforcement else where and from people who are closer and mean more, but to have a peer that you once looked up to because of their approach dog you out after that accomplishment, it’s like being spat on. Someone taking the oxygen and cutting it off a bit, because not only do you have to fight the Black stigma in Corporate America, but you don’t even have an ally who could fully relate to that struggle.

Why is that one scenario so impactful, because throughout time you have been hit with scenarios similar to that. You have individuals who are suppose to be supporters and reinforcers, only to let you down when things change. Or to fall off, or become a critic when the changes don’t really benefit them anymore. Yes, you are confident enough to carry forward, knowing that your skills and expertise qualify you. That whatever is coming to you in that moment you have more than earned and deserve to have happening to you. But, the heat that comes to you from those you expected to be your advocates is startling and throws you. It leaves a little residual doubt that can build momentum and sit over you, casting a shadow that you must out run. Why would someone want to live with these mental scars tormenting them so frequently? Part of it is motivation and the other part is to remind you. People ain’t shit sometimes. And most times they only want you for what the fuck you can give them. And you do happen to stumble upon a real ass person. You better keep them for as long as their season is. Soak up all the resources that they provide and reciprocate that shit as hard as they give it to you.

I struggle with these demons every day. And the sad part is just as much as I felt high and in the clouds after such a dynamic and positive meeting. The minute I dropped the call my mind went racing and wandering. Questioning if what just happened was real. Wondering why the energy I’ve given in other places isn’t being returned back. Thinking if I’m leaving myself open to be fucked again and I just can’t see it yet. I know, I shouldn’t be thinking like that at this moment. But man, after being fucked over as much as I have, I can’t help but to. A madness that just keeps spinning.

Talk to me

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Black Excellence

I often wondered just how deep did White hate go for Black excellence. And while I haven’t gotten to the full extent of it, having done research for the past two months, it is crystalized in my mind that they hated Us. I mean damn, if you take some time and look into the annals of history, you find that there are sooo many successful Black entrepreneurs. You see the success of a Maggie Walker, C.C. Spaulding, Dr. Aaron Moore, John Merrick, Walter Edwards, Granville T . Woods, Henry Boyd, Francois and Julien Lacroix, Jean Baptiste and Augustin Metoyer, Lucy McWorter, Henrietta S. Duterte, Elleanor Eldridge, CeCee Macarty, Marie Thereze Coincoin and so on. I can continue to list the names of Black male and female entrepreneurs in the annals of history. So many that it disgusts me to see just how under-represented and under-reported Black business history is and has been. What it does is make crystal clear just how much White America feared and despised Black people.

I said that I was going to be writing a series of stories to promote and uplift the Black community, and in particular the Black business community. See what was known about Slavery and Jim Crow doesn’t really begin to tell the detailed story about just how perverse and intentional White America was with belittling, devaluing, embarrassing, delegitimizing, suppressing, dehumanizing and disenfranchising Black people. Did you know that back during the Antebellum South days, because of the laws on the books that didn’t recognize Blacks as people and citizens of this country, if a Black slave invented something they could not get patent credit for it. The credit for the invention went to the White Slave owner. History has shown that Blacks invented many things that we use today. Maybe, just maybe some of the credit given to White men for creating inventions we consider revolutionary, doesn’t belong to them at all. Because of the system of suppression and oppression and enslavement, Blacks never got their full credit for the things they invented.

I think back to the free Blacks and the Slaves during Colonial times in the United States and I wonder how they really felt about having to scratch and claw for everything they earned. Having their dreams and creations taken away from them. To have credit given to a White man who didn’t do a damn thing and you have to accept it because the laws and customs of the country precluded you from having your say. You couldn’t go to court, you couldn’t testify, you couldn’t hold political office. None of the levers of control you operated, you were just along for the ride. And yet, with knowing all of this they persisted. Black men and women didn’t quit when they were stripped of everything. When racist and prejudiced Whites destroyed their businesses and homes, they didn’t quit. When the Slave master raped women and forced them to have their babies, they didn’t quit. Black people kept fighting and kept finding ways to succeed in a country designed to destroy them.

Take a look at what happened in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Atlanta, Georgia, Chicago, Illinois, Harlem, New York, Durham, North Carolina. These places were epicenters of Black business ingenuity and success. Places where Blacks built significant wealth and showed themselves to be equal to their White counterparts. And places where Whites, disgusted and outraged that Black entrepreneurs were maintaining, and in most cases, significantly growing their wealth, that they had to destroy the business community. They had to try to eradicate the Black businessman and businesswomen. In Tulsa they effectively destroyed the Greenwood district. Although, little by little the descendants of that once thriving Black business district are working to try and restore the lore and prestige of that hallowed land. The Black business district in Durham, known affectionately as Hayti, is still producing quality, sustained Black business and the descendants of their once sprawling, thriving business district are working to lift it back to similar stature. After the Atlanta race riots, the city leaders didn’t back down and Black business has continued to boom in Atlanta and expand. It is thriving and continues to be a place that many potential Black entrepreneurs come to get their foot in the door. All these places Whites tried to destroy because it ran counter to the narrative they were so skilled and persistent with delivering to the masses of this country. That narrative being that Blacks were ignorant, we aren’t intelligent enough to establish and run successful businesses. That we can’t be trusted and that we are animals, barbarians that need to be contained and controlled.

These are the words used to describe us when Slavery was brought to this country and kept in tact for hundreds of years. The same refrain was used post Slavery, during Reconstruction, when Whites didn’t want to integrate freed Blacks into the economic, social, and political mainstream of America. This narration was used to justify the need for Jim Crow Laws in the South and Segregation in the North. These reasons were used when the New Deal was being crafted, made law and excluded Blacks because of Southern insistence that Whites were superior to Blacks. This refrain was used during the Civil Rights Movement to explain why it was okay to allow police dogs to maim Black people. To explain why lynching Black people wasn’t a crime and why it was humane, because we were animals with no souls and we deserved this treatment. It is used today when Whites want to try and delegitimize the push by the Black Lives Matter Movement because we refused to protest in the manner they thought we should. Because they want to change the dynamics and don’t want to accept White talking points with little action.

Let me be clear here, notice I have not separated White groups in this writing. Because all iterations of the Republican and Democratic parties have been racist, prejudicial and demeaning to the Black community. Neither party has truly followed through on the promises of full equality for the Black community. Reparations is something that needs to happen. Look at history with a clear eye and you can see that, damn what these dumb asses say. Let that Booker T Washington mind set go. Proving your success doesn’t get you shit but more challenges if you’re Black. The race can’t continue to be ran when we’re starting a mile behind. Business equality still isn’t any closer to a reality than it was at the end of Slavery, and every era that followed. Consumer equality has never existed in this country, despite the half assed laws on the books that aren’t stringently enforced. I want this to be a clear message: History has never been fully, nor correctly told by White America or by the mainstream media of America. If you want to earn the trust of the Black community and want our support, start by fully supporting us. Give us an equal bite at the apple and level the playing field. Then, you might just stand a chance at earning back the trust that has been destroyed at your own hands.

Speak to me America.

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Historically Misled

I know that most of my real articles are lightly liked and not as read as the great sex pieces I write, but damn it, it’s time to get history out there whether you like it or not. So, White folks these next few articles might not make you happy, or if you’re real, it might make you want to see what you can do to help enact change.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately and having substantive discussions with some intelligent Black men and I’m seeing just how much White American distorted history in order to protect their fragile egos and psyches. I’m also seeing just how under reported and discussed in mainstream media the success of Black entrepreneurs were in the history of this nation. I’m realizing just how much they distorted historical facts and misled the facts in order to protect the narrative they wanted to tell. Did you know that Black people have been running successful businesses in this country dating back to the Antebellum Colonial period? Did you also know that that overwhelming majority of the Capitalist system that this country has used to become a super power was ripped off from African and West African civilization and culture? The history and literature is quite definitive in telling stories how Anglo Saxons, aka White Europeans, selectively choose the slaves they wanted to bring over in the Trans Atlantic Slave Trade. They had done sufficient business with Africans to know which region of African people were skilled at developing rice, tobacco, and cotton fields. They knew who were the intellectuals and who were the skilled laborers. They were tactful in making sure to separate the intelligent Africans from the unintelligent. In other words, they stripped Africans of their culture and identity when they brought them to this country and used them to establish their dominance.

Now, let me also say this, I’m not furthering the narrative that African Americans were simply overwhelmed and outsmarted by Europeans in the Slave trade, Africans controlled the Trans Atlantic Slave Trade, as well as other regions of the Slave trade. A majority of the Slaves sold, were people who were Indentured Servants and also people who became Slaves to different tribes as a result of fighting wars with other tribes and being defeated. Also of note, Europeans weren’t allowed inland very much in Africa. In order to get their slaves they were taken from inland regions to the coast, where the Europeans waited to get them loaded onto their boats and continuing their journey. See this history is being given to you because the narrative coming out of this country for hundreds of years to justify slavery was that Black people were savages and animals. That they couldn’t be counted on to be civilized and productive members of society. That they didn’t have an understanding of business and how to run one. Well, just from the examples provided all those lies are negated.

So let this sink in for a minute. Historical evidence shows that pre-colonial Africa and West Africa operated under a system of Capitalism. Individual wealth was encouraged, but they kept a sense of community or the collective whole, in order to make sure no one was left behind. So Capitalism mixed with the idea of Collectivism. What an amazing concept. Does it sound a little familiar? The American system is just hyper Capitalism with a lesser focus on the Collective whole. The programs that were made to include the “whole”, were originally made for just the White people in this country and excluded all Black people. It is amazing to see just how intentional the White community has been, and to some degree, still is in making sure their narrative of history is the one that is permeated in the minds of everyone in this country,

For reference material, I will give you three books to read and there will be more examples of literature you can read to give you more details.. the first is: The History Of Black Business in America Capitalism, Race, Entrepreneurship Second Edition Volume 1 to 1965, the second is The Color of Money Black Banks and the Racial Wealth Gap, and Entrepreneurship and Self-Help Among Black Americans. These three books are fantastic reads. They help to present information that will begin to challenge the historical disinformation and misinformation given by the U.S. Government and media alike. You will learn about Black people who were great businessmen and businesswomen. You will learn just how intelligent and thrifty Black people were in opening businesses, maintaining them and doing their best to pass them down to their family and friends in the face of extreme racism and prejudice. You will see just how much the U.S. Government was apart of the problem and contributed to the severe wealth gap and lack of advancement opportunities for Black people. You will also get to see how White America had to continue to change the narrative as to why Slavery, and Jim Crow, and Racism was needed at all.

Once you read, and do supplemental reading to understand how perverse and focused the efforts to belittle and disenfranchise Afro-Americans was, you will understand better why reparations is something that should be a must for all of the African American community today as a result of the harsh, cruel and unusual punishment implemented due to Slavery and Jim Crow. You will see how Southern White people controlled the conversation around equality and racism and prejudice more than talked about in history. You will also see just how complicit the North was in perpetuating this sham of a economic, political and human practice. The North was just as racist and discriminatory as the South was. The biggest difference was that they weren’t lynching Black people nearly as often and they made half-hearted attempts at giving equal opportunity to Black people, but they never truly stood up to their White Southern counterparts and they were just as eager to keep Blacks out of the mainstream American economy as they were.

More and more as I read and discuss and understand, I realize that we are still living today in a modified version of old days in this country. Things are marginally better, but the housing market is still unfavorable for Blacks, the inner cities in many places are still underserved and lack development. Blacks still don’t have full access to credit and infrastructure as needed. There still aren’t sufficient Black banks that serve the Black community. Large scale Black businesses are still lacking and not given fair competitive opportunities in this country. For centuries this country has said that Black people weren’t equal because we were savages, because we weren’t intelligent, because we didn’t understand business, because God created us as the inferior race. Yet, in history it’s shown that not only are we equal, but when given a fair shot or even a shot at developing our own in this country not only do we thrive, but we typically out perform the White counterparts in those industries.

This is just part one of this, stay tuned part two continues with more details and information for you think about. But think about this as you have read this blog.. How much do you really care for the well being of your fellow man or woman? If you really want to contribute to the cause of full equality, what are you willing to sacrifice in order to achieve equality?

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Raw or strapped.. Pull out or leave it in?

Ahhh… sometimes I have to go back to the topics that bring the most controversy and sparks so many different opinions. Whether you leave your opinions on the blog or you discuss with your friends, this is one of those topics where everybody has an opinion and, usually, they’re very strong in one direction or another. I know that sex is a big taboo topic that many still don’t like to talk about or even really be honest about. You know me.. I love to discuss these things. I think it makes things so much easier when you’re open and honest with yourself and others, that you want to sleep with, about your sex life. Too many people try to pretend to be one way, when often times they want to let their inner freaks be on display. I’m not one of those people. So I’m to going answer the questions put forth in the title and then pose more thought provoking questions or statements as I go.

Me personally, I prefer to have raw sex. I don’t know when that really changed for me, but there use to be a time when if someone suggested that to me I would look at them like they were crazy. The only exceptions I made to that rule was when I was in a relationship with someone. I also was very reluctant to have hookup sex with people too. I was more interested in knowing a little about the person before we got it in. But somewhere in my mid twenties that changed. I guess it was because I was use to being in a relationship with one guy and so all I had was raw sex. So that feeling just got stuck on me and I didn’t want to feel it any other way. Even after getting out of relationships I still had that desire to want to get in that ass raw and feel that warmth and tightness and wetness of the walls on me. I think in some respects being gay helps with that mindset. Yes, there are some concerns because of the std’s and HIV in the gay community, but there is the comfort of knowing that if I fuck a dude raw and nut inside him, I can’t make no baby as a result. LOL

And, I don’t like to pull out either. For some reason I feel that the big payoff after digging in some guts raw is to just bust that fat nut deep inside that hole. Now in truth I don’t mind if I have to pull out because I get it, not everyone likes to feel that nut inside them. They may like having unprotected sex but don’t want to get semen inside them. That’s not a deal breaker and usually I just shoot it all on the back and ass. No big deal still got to feel all that booty juice on my dick. It’s just something that turns me on even more every time I bet ready to put my dick in a guy knowing that I’m about feel all inside him naturally. It makes some really amazing sex moments happen when you get to feel it like that too. The orgasm the bottom gets is intense and the tension and friction on the dick is crazy good. Makes that nut so much more pleasurable.

Now I know for the straight world it’s a little more consequences that comes with gettin some cookie raw. You have to be mindful of the ease with which that woman can get pregnant and also how potent yo sperm is. I get why so many are so cautious and take all the necessary steps to prevent unwanted or unintentional pregnancies. You have so much more to think about when deciding to let that guy hit raw or to give that dick to a girl raw. Now again, there are some who don’t care and don’t mind having to do things after to make sure no babies come. You also have those women who be trying to trap guys by letting them get in it skin to skin and letting them skeet inside them so they can have they baby. Or, to get the money to abort it. I understand why those conversations are a lot harder to have and why women and men get so mad when one or the other creates a situation where they do it raw when they don’t want to.

So many choices and so many consequences no matter whether you gay or straight. You have to consider all the potential health ramifications and the medical after effects of having unprotected sex. No matter if it’s aborting or killing a pregnancy before it gets started or catching an STD or worse if you are gay. Those things can’t be taken lightly and you have to make sure that you’re okay with the outcomes of what you have to do. More importantly than anything, just be open and honest with yourself. I think more sexual relationships suffer because the two people aren’t honest with themselves. Once you accept what you like and what you don’t compromise on, then you can find better sexual matches for yourself and matches for yourself overall.

So there are the questions to be answered.. Do you like it raw or strapped? Pull out or fill that hole up? Talk about to me.. Have discussions with your friends and significant other if you have one.

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What’s Your Status

Still one of the most touchy subjects in Gay community is people being open and honest about their status. Even though we’re in the year 2021 and the medical advances are substantial, it is still the forbidden fruit for many to be honest about their medical situation. The irony about that is we now have medicines that make someone who does have HIV, be able to not pass the virus to a partner, once they’re undetectable for longer than six consecutive months. Additionally, for those who are negative who like that skin to skin, or raw, action, there is Prep that helps to protect people against catching the virus if they’re fucking people and aren’t fully certain of their status. After all these years, why is it that the community at large, still seems to be so paralyzed by someone who has HIV but takes care of himself. Why is it that a person will far more readily accept someone simply saying their negative, as opposed to taking someone who is being honest saying they’re positive and undetectable?

The concern for health in the Black Gay community is real, but it also is misrepresented also. It is really interesting just how stigmatizing people are still with someone who tells their truth about their health status. I think it’s honorable for someone to come clean and tell the truth about that. What it does it give the other person the opportunity to make a fully informed decision as to whether or not they want to sexually lay with you. And to that end, I honestly feel like the reason most don’t want to accept someone who is positive is because so many gay men love to have raw sex. They like how it feels and the like to be freaky with their sex lives. They usually like having multiple sex partners and group sex links. Things that aren’t really conducive to safe sex practices or healthy sex practices. To me, the truth about that is so many people are afraid of living their true selves. They live the double persona and want to portray an image of being extra careful and cautious, while on the other side, they’re a bedroom freak.

The stigma associated with HIV and the lying done by people trying to portray the “good boy” I think has led to so many people feeling ashamed to be open about who they are. Now, for those who are taking their medicine daily and taking care of their bodies, they pose very little to no threat to those who are negative. It’s the guys who are positive and aren’t taking their medicine and taking care of themselves that are the challenge. Because they feel a sense of shame and lack of self-esteem, they tend to hide their truth and those are the ones who are continuing to spread this disease hand over fist in the community. There is such this lack of compassion and empathy for someone who has an illness that can be contained. The missing links are education and compassion. If you ask someone to tell the truth about their status, be real and mature enough to accept the answer and not make them feel like shit. You never know what they went through to get the virus. You never know if they were raped or abused or anything that led to it happening.

Now don’t get me mistaken, I’m not saying that you have to accept them and keep talking to or dating them. That is each individual’s choice and you have to decide how much you want to take different precautions to protect yourself and your partner. To be fair, there are many people in the community who are open minded and compassionate and welcoming. If you find one of these type people, appreciate them and don’t abuse their love and compassion for you. It’s also my belief that people who do accept positive men, get done wrong by them so often because that positive person usually expect that equal treatment, so they abuse it. Which we all know friends talk to their friends and it leads even more so to the divide in the community. Living in this community for as long as I have, I’ve seen all sides of the spectrum. I fully believe that when we have people being open and honest, and we have compassion we can make any issue a learning and bonding moment and not a dividing moment.

The Gay community has the potential to be amazing and it can be such a fun and loving place. But, it can also be a place that tears you down and destroys your self esteem. No matter what issue you’re dealing with, you have to always remember that the illness is part of you, it doesn’t define you. Take care of yourself, love yourself, take care of your mental and you can be as accepted as you desire. Not all will open their arms to you, but they don’t need to. Love hard on those who genuinely love on you and the rest will fall into place. Know your status and have a plan.

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Know When to Fold and Walk Away

One of my most talked about principles when it comes to dating and the past, is that there is a time and place for the past to become jus that. Even through the desire to hold on to a friendship and provide that continued support, you have to know when to truly step away from that person and give space and air so you can truly have just the friendship you desire to keep. Or, maybe it’s one of those situations where you have to know when to say enough is enough and walk away for good, no strings left to be attached to. I have always held that concept to be accurate because I thought that no matter what you say or do, when the end comes you have to embrace it. No matter how much it may hurt and be uncomfortable. No matter how hard it is for you to mentally accept and fathom that that person will be loving someone else, touching someone else, fucking someone else, you have to learn to let go. I held very firm to that belief until the past couple years with two specific individuals. Now to be clear, there have been others who have danced around in and out, but when I mean these two have been like my constant always turning over the rock again every few months, it’s serious.

To give back story to each of these men, the first ex that I keep doing the dance with, has been in my life for eleven years. Back to when I was adjusting to so many things changing in my life. He provided a sense of peace and love for me. He accepted all the changes I had going on, and while he didn’t always know how to handle them, he did his best to stand beside me. We had a deep and passionate connection. The issues centered really around self-esteem and self-worth. A lack of both of those on his part led to him doubting his worth and usefulness in our relationship. This was despite numerous talks and efforts to reassure him that his purpose in my life wasn’t around what he could contribute monetarily. Nor was it about how complete of a man he was, knowing that I was still a major work in progress. I just had things figured out a little more and was a little more driven to see my way through the mountains that were placed in front of me. We would eventually separate, as he was certain he needed to learn how to be on his own and do things for himself before he could be fully committed to me. While I never wanted to break up while he figured those things out, he felt that it was best not to have a relationship hanging over his head while he was trying to discover himself and grow into the man he wanted to become.

I fought him to the ground over that decision, but ultimately I had to understand that this was something very personal to him and I had to accept that and allow him to do things his way. In my mind, love doesn’t let you be selfish and hold someone in place for your benefit. You trust that that bond will remain in tact and that when the time is right, if he is meant to be with you, you two will find each other. We went through these starts and stops. Only to see him move away and both of us move on. Finding love in different places, that really wasn’t that lasting love we sought. We would keep up with each other off and on over the years. Trying to rekindle that flame and deal with the different issues that crept up over the years of being apart and having life create more baggage to clean up. Every time we start doing the work, a big blow up or misunderstanding would happen and we would stop talking. Or, he would get too scared of what was happening and run away. Saying that while he loved the idea of being with me and wanted that, that he still wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready to commit to me.

The second man, well he was the last guy I was engaged to be married to. The love affair with him began so innocently, and heated up so quickly. It was like a freight train that I really couldn’t control. He had a very charming and determined mindset and he knew what he wanted. No matter that he was 12 years younger than me, he was set on getting what he wanted, which was me. And honestly, he fit the entire package of what I wanted in a man and I was more than happy to go on the journey with him. We got engaged after only being together for three months, but I had to slow things down in order to make sure we really knew who we were getting in each other and that we weren’t just so swept up in emotion and love that we made a decision that wasn’t truly ready to be made. In total we’ve known each other for 7 years now. Back then, we were nearly inseparable. We spent almost every weekend together and we would have fun dates and amazing times together. He was always the bougie one, wanting to be as politically correct as possible. And that worked for me, because while I’m highly educated and regimented in certain things, I have a very laid back approach most times, so he balanced me out well. The major problems with him stemmed from the need to control everything. I’m not submissive and I can’t be molded to behave like, or think like someone wants me to.

It was so striking to me that for all the commonality we shared and the ease with which we loved each other, there was such a hard push pull on the relationship because that asshole didn’t know when to shut the fuck up and let me be and do me. He was always concerned with what appearance someone else saw in regards to his relationship and the man that he was dating. It was less about there really being an issue, and more about what his family or certain friends would think if they knew about some of my skeletons from the past. There was also this tension from him having a more old school, traditional belief about how a male role was to be portrayed, and me being far more modern, contemporary and worldly in my views. He felt that the man should always have a refined, tailored look. Having a little hair was fine but always well kept and his guy should never have his hair braided. It was too hood and street, no matter that it was very much so a part of our culture. He also felt that his man shouldn’t have a very checkered past, preferring the clean nose to the more experienced person. Well I failed both of those requirements, I liked the options to have my hair braided or worn out, and I had one hell of a checkered past in certain aspects of my personal life.

The truth was professionally and most time emotionally and mentally, we were connected. We shared many of the same beliefs and values about life and how to maneuver through it. When I took him home to meet my family it was nothing for them to like him and approve of my choice in partner. I loved seeing him and my moms and grandma talking and interacting with each other. He made me so proud that I had chosen to be with him and he chose me. That we worked through some of our adversity and had a bond that seemed to be unbreakable. But, his need for perfection and desire to control eventually just became too unbearable for me, and the end came far sooner than I imagined it would. While he tried harder than I did to keep the relationship going, I decided that it was better if we weren’t together until he could figure out how to let go of that need to control his man. I was too independent and strong to be reigned in by anyone, especially if I felt what you were saying didn’t make me better.

Both of these men had special relationships with me and my family. Both my biological family and my gay family. I introduced them both to both sides of my family structure, because I have always been really big on family being important to me. My gay family has meant just as much to me as the one I was born into. My mother really took well to both guys. She had a special bond with the first guy. That nigga opened up to her in a way that he hadn’t even opened up to with me. So I was very appreciative to learn some of the things I did during those talks with the three of us, because I gained a better perspective for him. At the same time, I was so disappointed that he shied away from giving to me and to being more accessible to my gay family. We both talked about how much we wanted a family and how much having a supportive and positive gay family was to us. It hurt that he was so caught up in himself and his faults to be able to commit to the full dynamics of our relationship. Now the second guy, he was the complete opposite. He loved being in that environment with me and my gay family. He went to church with us and out to lunch. He was there for some of our famous dinner parties at my house too.

These events allowed for them to see him and for him to see them as equals and as family. It also though, allowed for my kids to see a little of what I talked about when they would question why we hadn’t pushed forward with marriage yet. They saw some of his perfectionist ways and how he would try to have a little more control over how I conducted myself with my family. While they never disrespected him or said anything wrong to him, they would regularly talk to me about how they had concerns regarding his style and mines. Knowing that I was going to address it anyway and that I wasn’t going to be moved to change unless I felt it was warranted. For all the years since I’ve been in a committed relationship with either of these men, it’s the memories that I have with them over the years and the deep love we shared that never let me fully end their chapters of love in my book. I always held commas for both of them, not wanting to fold my hand and walk away just yet. Always feeling that if I gave them enough time to figure things out, which allowed me time to continue to work on me to always present the best and true version of myself, we would figure this thing out. At least one of them would be ready to move past all the travails of the past and find our rightful places together in the future.

See I was going against everything that I’ve told my kids and friends to do. I allowed myself to keep going back to the well. To see them as potential last loves and forever partners. The truth is I probably should have stuck to my rules regarding the past a couple of years ago with both of them. Allowing myself to keep the wonderful friendships we formed and nothing more. Giving enough air and breath to the situation so we could fully heal ourselves to close the door to a love relationship and keep the friendship in tact. Instead here we are today, both of these men tried to get back into the space in my heart and I opened the door for each of them. Allowing them to show me who they are today so I can decide which is the one for me. Not really knowing if this would the last time I would renig on my promise to myself again about letting the past truly be the past, unless they show you they are the best thing for your future. And so what is the truth about this time and today versus the past. Fact is that the issues are different, but the outcome is the same.

The first guy has done all the things he said he was going to do. He has established himself and gotten his life in order. He is in a positive place in his life. He is also divorced. He got married to someone who couldn’t do half the things that I could for him. He wasn’t half the man I was and yet he made him his first husband. He admitted to me that he made a mistake but found something in the man he couldn’t resist. Though he couldn’t help provide and he called me for financial assistance, he was all in with the guy, until it burned deep in flames. He came back to be numerous times, and this time I finally allowed myself to fully address all the issues that plagued us. I let my guard down to let him in again as he asked. We were working on all the things we said we wanted to see from each other in order to build a new foundation of love that would take us into forever. I gave him the consistent phone conversation time he was seeking and then he flipped the script. Once I gave him all of what he was asking for, now he has become a ghost. Seemingly running away again, and from what this time I have no fucking clue. No calls in four days, no texts in two days. I’ve called him numerous times in different times of day only to get no answer. I texted him throughout the day, to get no answer. So now I ask what next.. and my answer is simple… I will give you what I said I gave to everyone else, the period next to your name. The chapter of love in my book will now close for you. Friend you may remain, but lover you will never be again.

The second guy naturally took a slightly different approach. Our path has been much harder and emotionally challenging. We’ve addressed the issues we had and I can see that time has allowed him to have grown to having a much more varied view of life and relationships. No longer does he hold to some of those old ass traditional beliefs. He doesn’t try to control me, but he is always trying to make sure he can control the situations that involve us. He tries not to allow a conversation to get too emotional or deep. He avoids having to fully address topics that involve him being vulnerable and expose his feelings too deeply. He tells me that he is scared of my mouth and anger when we talk and he says something that I have a strong disagreement to because I don’t filter what I say and his feelings can get hurt some what easily. Understanding that I worked on being less expressive verbally. Not changing what I say, just how much or how frequently I say something and that worked well. One day he comes out the blue and said to me why don’t we get married. Very passive and I thought he was being funny. I laughed and asked was he serious, he said he was.

It was then that I told him I needed time and we would address the situation again at a later date, once I had time to really process what was being asked and whether I thought we were ready for something like that. Why that surprised me so much is that we still haven’t seen each other since I moved back to Atlanta three years ago. So I don’t understand why you want to marry me and we haven’t even had time to see what the actual vibe and energy is like again in person. After a few weeks, we finally discussed that idea. I told him that in order for me to really consider it and marry him, he needed to really do one thing for me: He had to open himself up and become vulnerable with me again. That meant seeing each other and spending time together, getting deeper into conversations and letting me see how evolved he is in his processes. It was agreed and we had set a day to see each other of last Thursday. Well when that day arrived the bullshit began from jump. After I was off work and able to meet up, he came with the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard. He said that he was unable to follow through because financially he wasn’t making the huge salary he thought, even though he just brought a house 9 months ago and you live with family so you aren’t paying a majority of bills. Despite you telling me how much you’re hanging out with your friends and going to dinners you are paying for. But you weren’t ready just to see me because your mental was fucked up cuz your bag not full as you want.

If he was staying home and not really doing shit, I would’ve accepted his reasoning. But know that just a few days before you was out in the streets with your friends and shit, that pissed me the fuck off. I’m proud of myself for how I reacted though. Rather than fire off a strong ass message or phone call, I decided just not to say shit. I left it alone with a simple okay. Knowing that he knows me well enough to know shit ain’t gravy with us. As the days have past, I have thought about it and I’ve decided his fate must meet that of my other ex. The comma is erased from you and the period is placed. The book closes on the chapter of love with you and maybe the era of friendship has arrived. Different in all ways from that of lover or potential lover.

It hurts me to do this twice in a week with two guys that I truly loved with all my heart. It makes me have continued doubts about myself and makes me have to rebuild my own self-esteem. I keep asking myself why if I’m so everything these men want, do I get dismissed and fucked over when I finally relent and give them all that they ask for. When I hold something back, they keep coming for it. The minute I show them all of what they want to see, they run and claim they’re not ready. That their mental isn’t right, that emotionally they aren’t ready to commit. But weren’t you just saying last week, you want me to let my guard down. All this shit and now I have to walk away. I know when to do this and I see that the time is now. Forever my love will be with you, but today I fold and walk away.

Leave a comment Posted on love, real talk

A Grandmothers Love

If you know me then you know that I have no problem expressing myself. I speak my mind, and make no apologies about how controversial or unpopular my opinion or belief is. The goal is to get it out in the universe, and to provoke discussion. Sometimes though, it’s hard for me to really let out some of the more deeply personal and emotional thoughts. They push my mind to a tiring point and makes me feel like I’ve just fought in a war. Today is one of those days. This post is one of those posts, but it must be written either way. Take a seat and read along. I think many will be able to relate and feel free to respond if you like.

Today I pay tribute to one of the most important people in my life. Even though you’re gone and it’s now been two years, I am still so heavily impacted by the imprint you left on my life. I am saddened by not being able to hear your voice and call and talk to you for hours on Sunday, like we use to do. Today, and the days leading into this day, is so difficult for me. I so badly wish I could call you and make you laugh. Better yet, you making me laugh with all the stories of who’s done what and what you think about the things that some of the family is doing. I can only imagine how much fun you’re having up there. Able to see your husband and your closest friends. I know the games of Spades, Tunk and Deuces are epic. I know how much cash shit you talking too.. LOL.. especially if they’re beating you at your favorite games.

I know that you’re looking down and can see how much progress I’m making, but I wish you were here so I could call you and tell you just how much I’ve done. To hear in your voice the happiness and excitement for me because I was promoted into a management position. To know that I’m going back to school and am dedicated to continuing the journey that I’ve started. I know that if you were here and found out about these two major accomplishments, nobody would be able to tell you nothing. I’m sure different family members would be tired of hearing you talking about me and others would be just as happy as you are. You know one thing I could always count on, is you being overly excited for the things that accomplished. No matter how small it was, you always made sure to let me know that you knew about it and was proud of me for working hard to accomplish my goals. You always made me feel like I could do anything whenever we talked and you always encouraged me to keep pushing for all the things I want.

Even though sometimes we would have tense conversations, mostly because you were always a roaring lion of a Leo, and I was the stubborn, strong ram of an Aries. I would always smile when our phone calls ended. I would have never thought that they were coming to an end so soon. I don’t really want to give anyone that special gift of having a Sunday ritual talk like we use to have. It just doesn’t feel right and they wouldn’t make me feel as good as you do. I’m constantly sharing some of your classic one liners that you use to give me. Or telling fun stories that we’ve had. I’m trying to always be the man that you raised me to be. To continue to be authentic to myself and as you always told me, I’m not accepting any wooden nickels or no cardboard dimes. LOL. You never left me feeling unsure about how much you loved me. And for that I’ve always been thankful and appreciative.

Emotionally I’m all over the place. Sometimes I smile and have plenty of energy, other times I’m just spaced out and not sure that I want to do anything or be bothered by anyone. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad and I try hard not to be, I just miss my grams and it still doesn’t feel right without you here. I’m learning to be better with it and I’m making sure I take care of my momma as much as I can, being that we’re still in different states. I miss you so much and I love you with all my heart. I hope you always knew just how much I appreciated you and was attached to you. These days are a struggle sometimes, but I am always reminded of just how strong you were and I try to let that live inside of me every day, Thank you for everything and I love you so much.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics

When In Doubt Follow the Money

I recently read a story that matched what I have been thinking for quite a while now, and it is finally coming to a head. The President and most of his White liberal allies, have no intention to truly protect the right to vote. In order words, they used the message of true voting equality and working to secure the free and fair right of every Black vote to be cast and counted, in order to secure their place in power in this country, while leaving us behind. The summary of the article I read essentially comes down to these points: when the Republican Party was still a party that courted the Black vote, resulting from Lincoln being responsible for bringing the formal end of slavery and hundreds of years of Republicans advocating for Black people, decided they wanted to make change they abandoned the Black community and made way for the decades long Jim Crow era in American history. The abdication of their responsibility and the still reeling Southern, White South allowed for some of the most restricting voting laws to be enacted until activists grew tired and the Civil Right Movement ushered in the current voting situation that we see today.

Now here we are all these years later and the roles have flipped but the actions are still the same and it appears that the results could be too, just in a slightly different manner. In today’s political world, Democrats are the party of support for the Black cause. They have spent decades relying on our support to usher candidates into office and keep others in there. We have made sure that White people of all ages and backgrounds have gotten into office in places they didn’t necessarily think possible. We made way for the first Black President in this country. We, in part, kept the country from having the first Woman President ever, because partly we didn’t believe she truly cared about the regular guy. We decided to revive the political career of the current President and in turn, bring more history with Kamala Harris, the nations First Black Woman Vice President, being elected. We delivered the U.S. Senate to Democrats as turned out in droves in Georgia to bring home both of those U.S. Senate seats in the Democrats column. Time and again, when needed to deliver political victory Black people are expected to help Democrats and the White liberal left get that victory.

So once again we follow through on our task. We delivered the White House and the both Chambers of Congress. Now, those Republicans that we spent days and hours voting to defeat, have finished licking their wounds and are setting their sights on ways to make voting more difficult. More importantly, they are figuring out ways to take control of the rooms where the votes go to get counted. They are taking control of the elections process, so they can change votes if they don’t like the outcome, and President Biden and most of his allies aren’t doing a fucking thing about it. It was a concern I’ve been thinking about for quite a while and one that in private conversations I’ve talked about plenty. He isn’t truly a liberal politician. He has some liberal beliefs and policies, but he at his core a moderate who believes in Institutional process. Those beliefs have led us to a crossroads of sorts and it appears the same trend is following. All those years back when Republicans could have strengthened voting rights for Black people, they shifted to focusing on Infrastructure. Something they could build “bipartisan” support for. They would improve American bridges and trails and roads. Make things better for everyday people, which would in turn make the voting rights issue less critical.

The truth is it just allowed for the ball to be dropped and draconian laws to be made that disenfranchised Black people and made it so hard for us to vote. Well, enter 2021 and we’re seeing the rise of Jim Crow style voting laws again. And the response from the leaders inside the White House, and some on Capitol Hill, seems to be that they would rather try for the money win on “bipartisan” legislation rather than fully support the two bills that are already passed in the House of Representatives, awaiting Senate approval. Not only have they not provided any alternate options that could garner support, they just speak of the importance for their to be voting security, but never going the lengths needed to get there. Biden, the ever practical politician, doesn’t want to carve up the filibuster to achieve the goal. The same way he did in order to get that last stimulus package passed. Instead, he gives this bullshit answer that removing it would throw the Senate into chaos. Let’s be honest, the fucking Senate has been in chaos since the Democrats lost control during the midterms when Obama was in office. It hasn’t been truly decent and in order since then.

McConnell and the rest of the Senate Republicans have bent the rules, changed the rules and played legislative hard ball to make sure that only what they want gets done and Democrats have to fight like hell just to get a seat to the table. And now, even though the Senate has a 50-50 split, Democrats have control and will not wield the power they command. Because if we’re being honest, if the Republicans had full control of the White House and Senate, shit would be totally different. They would be using whatever tools possible to get their agenda through that they cared about. This was my fear when we voted in November and it is coming to light as we speak. That Joe Biden, the elder statesman, would try to prove that he could govern the nation. Moving from a Center left position and that the critical issues that ailed us would be tackled from a joint effort. That type of dumb ass thinking is why we sit here with all these Republican controlled states passing laws that allow them to take control of the elections process if they don’t like the results. It allows them to remove early voting areas and make it harder to have absentee ballot voting. We are watching as state after state make surgical cuts at voting rights and voting equality in this country. And Biden is choosing to avert attention from that in a ways that could turn the tide.

Yes, he gave one speech in Philly about the importance of passing those two critical bills that would bring back some concrete support and give some uniformity to the elections process. Things we desperately need in this country, but that Biden is refusing to fully support. And those White, liberal allies are going lock step with Biden as we speak. They don’t see how urgent it is to get this situation resolved so they want the thing to get Republicans on their side for this fleeting moment. I always wondered why we as a people, choose to continue to support the Old White establishment guard in this country, instead of the diverse coalition that we are, that makes up the Democratic party. Why don’t we have more U.S. Senators men and women of color? Why aren’t there more Black Women US Senators? Out of 100 Senators only 3 are black and none of them are women. Just let that sink in for a moment. And you wonder why Black people are so hesitant to really support politicians. Even when they heavily court our vote and make promises that they will finally tackle Prison Reform, Criminal Justice Reform, Education Reform, Voting Rights Reform, we rarely get the full throated changes they profess. Usually it’s not done at all, or what is done, really doesn’t address the root issue. It’s some small surface level achievement that looks like shit, but disguised as major.

So here we are again and it appears that we are going to have to deal with the same shit as usual. White men sticking together truly for White men. If we really want change, we’re going to have to take it. We’re going to have to vote for some new blood, that truly wants to advance an agenda that helps the every day person, and most specifically, the every day black man. Hold these people accountable, make them honor their words or vote there asses out.

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Help Wanted : Old White Men and Women

Yes, I know some may see that title and have some biased thoughts, but hell I don’t really care. It is something that I really think is both positive and also stymieing as well. In any other profession, once you get older to the point that you are clearly slowing down, you are given the room to end your career and your replacement is identified, if not already in the company preparing to replace you. It’s not something that the company is doing to be disrespectful, but it is an acknowledgement that, while you may still be productive as you get older, there comes a point when your skills are not as sharp as they once were and there is someone else who has a fresher take, a sharper mind who has the ability to do the job just as good, if not better, than what you did. Now this post isn’t meant to disparage the older working folks, but it is to draw attention to and heighten awareness of the need for change in the American political system.

Lets think about this for a minute. We had the most diverse field ever for the Democratic nomination for President and we wound up choosing the old ass White man to be the party leader. Am I saying that he wasn’t a good choice? No, I’m not. Am I saying he was the right choice for the moment? Possibly so. I’m not really convinced that another candidate couldn’t have done just as well as Biden has thus far into his short presidency. But, it is startling to know that we had, both, Black men and women, an Asian American and Latin X American running for President and they were all soundly beaten. We had an older White woman as well, who made it down to the end before it became a battle between very aged White men to battle it out for the nomination. Oh, and let’s not forget we also had the first Openly gay, and married, White man running for the nomination. So many different choices with varying degrees of experience and bold ideas to make this country reimagined in the likeness that it really should be at this point. And with all these options, we watched as the media beat up on these fresh candidates. They questioned Kamala unlike they did Biden or Bernie. They showed little love to Cory Booker, even though he presented himself as a candidate in the mold of former President Barack Obama.

Lets take it a step further to really understand just how startling and insane, in my opinion this is. If you look at the Congressional makeup of the U.S Congress, the majority of its members are old, White people. Now I get it, there is great value in having people with experience in positions of great power within any government, but damn. I mean, can we get Congress members who are at least in their 50s, 60s and not necessarily in their 70s and 80s. I mean, I’m going to be honest, that’s a little bit absurd. It’s not to suggest that these elder American aren’t valuable and contributable folks, we know they are. And it isn’t to suggest that they all have lost a step or two, or that their mental faculties aren’t intact, but it is scientifically proven that at that age, you aren’t as sharp and attune as when you’re anywhere from ten to thirty years younger. It seems to be that Democrats, in particular, have a problem voting out some of these older folks and allow a youth movement to take over the party and push us fully into the next era of American politics. And Republicans, you aren’t far behind in your clinginess to the diaper booty crew. Leaders are to be commended for wanting to serve their country well into their twilight years, but let’s be honest, they aren’t exactly doing it because they aren’t extremely well compensated and pampered.

It’s disappointing honestly, because these people just look at the polling data and adapt their verbiage to meet that of their constituents in the moment that they’re in for that political season. I honestly don’t believe, and it’s been reported on extensively, that much of what these politicians say they don’t even believe. But, because of what districts or states they represent, they have to talk a certain language in order for them to keep their office. This usually results in the same bullshit happening, which is very little gets done and the power stays where it is. White elites and old ass Whites with the control and all other races and ethnicities of color fighting to get that truly equal footing and seat at the table. Funny, we have the nations first African American Vice President, who is also of Asian decent, and she is criticized for everything she does, no matter what it is. And the former President and Vice President were given more get out of jail passes than in a game of Monopoly. The sad truth is American Infrastructure has sucked for the past 15 years at least and these same old people haven’t done a damn thing about it. Our Education system is a sham and corrupt, but they haven’t done nearly enough to repair and fix those problem. Our justice system is still a shit show and they haven’t done nearly enough to fix that. Our voting system looks like it’s teetering on the brink of collapse and they damn sure aren’t doing anything about that.

So I ask all of my fellow voting eligible American, what the fuck are we doing? Why do we just blindly keep electing the same people to office, to do the same damn thing. Why aren’t we investing in the new candidates that are coming up. Those who have platforms that will target those issues that are critical to our community and ourselves. You know, it really seems to settle on a couple of factors for me. One, people really want to protect what they have and limit the exposure they have to the unknown. And two, money will always be the root that destroys the best efforts if it impinges on the money the White man wants to make in order to retain their mental dominance over the rest of the ethnicities. One day, we will get tired of this shit and we will be ready for a true Young, American revolution. Where the next generation comes in and takes over from the old, usher in some new changes and make things better for us all. Only time will tell when that happens though.

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Remember What Matters

Often times I’ve shied away from writing too many political blogs for a number of reasons. One, everyone seems to have some sort of opinion and the discussions always turn too extreme; two, I like to try to focus on things that are a little more intimate with your daily life situations. But, I also have to remember that politics is really an extension of daily life, just controlled mostly by old White men who talk in circles and don’t really do shit to solve the real problems. I’m amazed at the level of vitriol spewed by the mostly White congress, that Vice President Kamala Harris didn’t visit the Southern Texas border, as if her appearance will cause something to change immediately. It’s like they forget that their policies in regards for foreign aid to those impoverished nations to our South are in part responsible for the crisis that we have. When we try to give significant aid to those countries in order to help them build their own economies and countries, those entitled White men, usually bitch and complain, get control and strip away the amount of funding we give them. And they wonder why we constantly have this issue of hundreds of thousands of immigrants willing to take the journey to American borders for freedom.

Lets take what I just said and break this down into what happened this year. We had throngs of mostly White, prejudiced, some racist Americans raid the United States Capitol in the name of former President Donald Trump. They committed Insurrection. They committed Treason against this nation and those same entitled and prickly White men have done their damnedest to rewrite the narrative of that day. They tell you that it was nothing more than a normal tour of the Capitol. They say that all they was peacefully protest the results of the fairest, most secure election in American history. That’s the bullshit they want you to believe. Never mind that they found bombs outside both the Democratic and Republican National committees. Lets also not forget that they severely brutalized police officers that day. They found ammunition to the level that it would have done significant damage if they had the chance to use those weapons. They destroyed and defaced the Capitol. They broke into the offices of the Congress men and women and destroyed their offices. They potentially had access to sensitive, classified information. They tried to stop us from certifying and ratifying the fairly contested election.

And if that isn’t enough, since the inauguration Republicans all over this country have gone full sail to restrict Black people mostly, and brown people from having easy access to voting. Why is that so important? Because we all know that this country is not a White mans country anymore. This country is diverse and more colored that it is White. More progressive and diverse views are prevalent in this country and that means those old, tired White men are worried because they’re aware that the more people who vote, the less likely they get to hold on to the power and that means they don’t get to keep fucking this country up. I have a question, why are so many Republicans worried about Kamala Harris visiting the border, but they’re concerned with our bridges crumbling, our roads being all fucked up, we still have relatively slow ass train and rail service. Why are we still vastly underpaying teachers in this country. Why do they get so upset when we discuss cancelling student loan debt? Money that keeps people struggling for years and years. They care soo much about the Education system becoming more equal by teaching true American history. But, they don’t care about all the schools that still don’t have enough textbooks, that don’t have strong support systems for public schools.

Rich ass White people in that party care more about saving businesses from paying taxes and the uber rich, more than they care about making sure the American people can have true living wages. It’s dumb as fuck that so many people believe that Republicans are actually for the average American person. While at times they seem to stumble into supporting policies and legislation that work more for the middle class, regular person than the rich elite, it is far more likely that they’re going to do everything possible to protect their own. Meaning rich men and women like them and not the average person, or the Black person struggling to get to the next level in life. Maybe one day we will wake up and elect officials who really want to make this place better for the regular guy. Who wants to initiate policies that make so much sense that they won’t do it because it would upset their money train.

As I close this out, let us not forget what is really important. We have an Ozone that we’re burning through. We have global warming getting worse and worse. We have a public school system that is under attack and vastly underserving it’s students on the whole. We have laws passed that are restricting the ease of voting for people of color. We still have elements of Jim Crow at work all throughout the South. We have our highways, bridges and railways crumbling and lagging behind. We have a completely rigged tax code that favors rich people. We still have police unnecessarily killing, murdering Black people. We still have a justice system that isn’t working for all. We still have corporations charging more for their products and services, but not raising wages sufficiently. We still have a government that would rather keep wages suppressed, rather than making wages more livable. All these things and more are present, and a lot of them would have you thinking that Critical Race Theory is the most pressing issue of the day. That people being woke and attune to the social injustices are the most important. Remember what matters and what’s really important.