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Heart Chronicles – Upgraded

It’s not too often that I sit back and say.. damn, that really is me. But this seems to be one of those moments. That I’m witnessing the revolutionized version of me is mind boggling. We only hope that at some point we get to encounter the next iterations of ourselves. A beautiful and real reminder from life that your seasons are beginning to fade. There is still plenty of room at the table for You, but the main course isn’t exclusively yours, and You may not be the favored entree in a majority of situations. This isn’t one of those times though, and you may have just found the secret to your life happiness.

You engage the conversation with all the attention that it deserves. You occasionally immerse yourself in the dialog. Listening to the words and stories given, but not actively paying attention to the lessons and the guidance given. Choosing to almost bluntly disregard the blueprint provided. Determined to figure it out in Your distinct ways. Wanting to quizzitively challenge the words and premise because you believe that you have answers, however wrong and distorted they may be. Realistically knowing that all you really want to do is keep me talking and engaged in discussions with you. Leaving it to every day would be filled with endless hours to banter. It is the secret way to unlock the keys to your magical kingdom. Speaking with clarity and difference. Bluntly and, at times for You, overly critical, excites Your senses. There’s an innocently cute quality attached to your undeterred quest for information. There’s this split complex to you though. You’re not all words and intellect. You just treasure the emotional connectivity because that heightens the physical flames for You. Then there’s the social You. A more eccentric version of what I put on display when I chose to put my face in the world. All the same impressive.

As much as I want to distance You from me because I know what You could do, if I allowed it. My spirit and soul won’t let me pull away because it’s secretly what I crave. I scream in my head for this kind of magnetic pull. Knowing how far to push the other, while gaining valuable insight and information. The forces are irresistible. Never needed to clout or status, always because we fit into the waves of each other’s life smoothly and seamlessly. The problem that keeps tripping You is that You’re trying to reverse to progress and it’s not working well. You can’t keep trying to force old standards on new situations. It will only keep causing confusion and problems. Eventually, you can destroy the present because you kept looking too much to the past for the answers. If you want something new and different, You must do different. And Yes, I know this shit is toxic on soo many levels. LMFAO. Intentionally pushing each other’s buttons is extreme, but that’s the way we’re wired, and it works. Just don’t keep pushing it, I’m not very patient and I will lose my shit. LMFAO. Thirsting for knowledge is a mighty tool to possess. The discernment to know when to activate that tool and how hard to go when you use it, that’s the most powerful tool in the box.

Consumption with talking is going to get you hurt though. We don’t live life for words alone. We require actions to validate the words, or else it all becomes hollow. When you think you see yourself, how do you react? What are the thoughts you have and are you wondering if they can feel or read your thoughts, like you feel and read some of theirs? Life always be fuckin lifeing. I am always in awe of the way things happen when you least expect them to. When You just live authentically. Damn.. I love writing. I miss this shit. You never know what time period I’m writing from… Some shit to think about huh…???

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Heart Chronicles – Trash In Trash Out

One of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen is someone giving You trash and expecting You to give them top notch treatment. Can someone please tell me what fuckin planet does that make sense on? Too many men out here have this distorted view that because they’ve been fucked over, or taken advantage of, that when it’s time for them to “find” the next man, he must accept the trash like approach. Those of you who believe you make a shit load of excuses to explain away your trifling ass actions, need to be punched in the throat.

The notion that you can keep harkening back to the glory days of your past to entice the future to accept your present trash is really fuckin sick. Yet, real shit, people do this every day. And then they wonder why they keep ending up being left or when they try to explain to their friends why the shit went sideways, they’re getting bleached because the friends know you’re full of shit. Lying, making up scenarios, convincing yourself that you’re the victim. All the while, you’re the fuck nigga doing fuck nigga things. How can you justify leaving someone in their time of need, when you claim to want to be their rock and dependable lover? Where does it say in the imma legit nigga book that imma show up to seeing you looking like I just got outta fight, and You need to bring me to life? How you tell somebody “Imma take good care of you this weekend”, then say “all you gotta do is lay back and relax”, only to show up and not do a fuckin thing?

See if you know then.. well you know.. LOL. Never bring yourself into someone’s space and you can’t perform the way you talk. A big talker with little to no action, that’s like jackin off and really thinking that nut feels the same as nuttin down a warm throat or bussin a fat nut inside a nice, wet, warm, clean hole. LOL. I know.. I’m always taking it there. Yea, I am.. because I can and cus it’s me. But really thou.. how you introduce yourself as this lucid dream. Flexible and amenable to whatever the environment presents to you. Willing to open your soul and spirit to the dynamic influence that I provide. Only to cower in the face of the fire. When life stepped it’s pussy up on you.. your dick shriveled up and you tucked your head and showed how pussy you really are. Change your hair as much as you might, the truth that is you never changes. You are that scared, fake, lying, introverted man that you showed yourself to be every time. Needing the power, strength, electricity, and fire flowing from me to breathe life into your listless, basic, dingy, conservative life.

When pushed and manipulated to upgrade you, you reluctantly moved to make the most minimal improvements. When dared to go outside the small box, you aim high and always end in the valley. You never met the moment; constantly missing the mark. Wondering why you’re never reaching the ultimate goal, when all you have to do is look at yourself. What about how you’ve presented anything says that you deserve anything more? If we’re calling a spade a spade, you deserve far less. I blessed you with more than deserved from me. I let you see me thru my pain. I allowed you to peer into the window and all your sad, shallow, low caring ass could do was offer shallow consolations. I credit you for lending your ear and time though. I fucks with that because you showed an ounce of care then. But the bullshit is you’re now following in my footsteps. LMMFAO!!! Never a leader.. always a follower.

Trying to pawn your chosen one onto me. Realizing that You bit more of the apple than your throat could accept. Now, you find yourself treading water, barely keeping it together, close to drowning and you’re desperately looking for a way out. You thought you could a lil game this way and it was gone get your ticket punched. HA!! Slow, stupid ass boyy. Twinks get a lot of room over here, but not the way you come. Take some time to find out who You really are as a human. You’re an incomplete person attempting to take a developed person’s spirit and fuse it into yours. Promoting falsehoods about who you are. Using tales of what used to be and who You previously were, to entice men to invest in You. Knowing that you can’t invest that same capital into him. You will invest what you can, which is admirable and respectable. Always appreciated for what it is, and never disappointed for what it isn’t. My disappointment is that You lied so brazenly and openly about EVERYTHING! Like damn! You really have no shame about you at all. You did anything that You thought would work. Attempting to persuade me that the moves You made were for the betterment of Your young king and your life primarily. When as time has done what it does, shine the light down..LOL.. It showed me just how much of a fraud You were. Deceiving me into believing that you knew what you were doing. Only, I caught on to your game very early on.

You tried so hard to make Your story be one of suffering and isolation. Claiming that You were essentially black sheep’d by Your family. Moms did this and that; pops, he did all this horrendous shit too. Wondering how in the fuck did this nigga survive being away from home if these people fucked him up this bad? Giving room for that to be the case, while also realizing, there is definitely more to it than this. These people know he’s not ready yet. They know what he’s doing and some of them like it because it removes the diva and the bitch out the picture. But when they see how he’s going about it, they refuse to support this because they know he’s about to abuse someone to get himself right. What they didn’t know was that I’m not simple or ordinary. The sweet trap of a country boy wore off almost 20 years ago. All of the traps and musings don’t work. I allow them to have room and life because I want to entertain what I want to entertain.

Your angle was nice. It was different. You just had no possible way to deliver on the shit you sold. You were talking from a pre-damaged you. Parts of your mind and your spirit are still breathing from before the destruction. But it’s small and barely able to survive. It comes out to shoot one shot and if You don’t reel it in with that first shot, you miss and you can’t it back. That’s what your problem was. It was never going to be enough to just do it once. You were going to have to deliver Your game for a sustained period of time. If you can’t.. well, I guess Your time will end too. I saw the truth thru the young king. I told you I love kids because they don’t lie. Their actions, words, mannerisms, all of that will be determined by how they are handled. What is their environment and who are their influences. For you to tell me what you did and for me to get the reports I got, told me everything. Without you being the sole presence, he does amazingly well… according to You. Bu that day I saw one of the Snaps you sent, and I could sense he had been prepped on how to respond in the video. Bruh that’s some real cheap, trashy ass shit to do.

Using the kid to get what you want. How disgusting of you to do that. And how low of your family to allow you to use your family in that way. Now, you’ve switched up tactics on em. You found you one half-way cross the country. You can’t take your young king this time because that wayyy too far, and Your people know nothing about him. Because you didn’t tell anybody. See this is the nasty and trifling part of You. You can never not have someone because You don’t know how to fully operate in life. And you’re too scared to do it by yourself, so You’re going to find a man to do it for and with you. Dumping your baggage on him, instead of talking with him so he can decide if he wants to do this, and the best way to approach. You are the worst type of faggot. The one who lies and hides his stripes because he needs to be taken care of. Only to trap the person and strip their life down to build Yours up.

I had respect for you until you exposed the lies you made up to try and convince other that You had to made to his move. Because contrary to EVERYTHING that You told them, I was this monster. Who just became infatuated with sex during the visit. You obfuscated the part about the other shit swirling around. It didn’t fit Your narrative, so you had to omit it during your explanation. The problem with that is, You told them everything when it came to me. That’s why You said, “It’s always hard talking about things that involve You (ME)”. In the end, You were exactly what I thought you were and showed me to be exactly who I said You were. I told You that in order for to get what You wanted, You must show me that You are ready. And You always failed. My solemn wish is that you take time to stop running man to man and spend time investing deeply in You and the Young king you chose to raise. Blessing to you!

Love and respect Y’all

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Heart Chronicles – Feeling Unappreciated

What happens when you continue to pour into the lives of those you care about, but very few, if any, pour back into you? That sense and feeling of being taken for granted, feeling unappreciated heightens. Now, to be clear, I’m not the guy who does things for people or to people just to get adulation or praise. Nor am I attempting to be rewarded in excess of what I’ve given. What I do want is for there to be acknowledgement and appreciation for the efforts and output that I provide.

It’s not about giving me, sending me, funding me. It is about showing me, remembering me, reciprocating to me what was done to you. As someone who has been in the fatherhood role since, I was 19, I understand how sacrificing it is to take people into your world, into your home and give of yourself without expecting anything in return. What you do expect, is to be given the proper respect and treatment as someone who occupies that role in someone’s life. What do I mean then, if I’m not looking for financial reward or anything in that vein. Well, how about remembering my birthday. Maybe taking me to a nice meal or cooking one for me to show your appreciation. You could buy me flowers, or my favorite sweets or snacks.

It has not and will not be able how much you spent, or how grand the gesture was/is. Yes, a big, fancy something is nice, and I will always appreciate those gestures. But sometimes the small things make an even bigger impact because it shows that you know me, and that you care. Here is an example, one of my closest friends decided he wanted to thank me for all that I had done for him over the years. He decided that one year for Father’s Day, he was going to come and cook and spread for me and my closest friends. I already had the food in my house, so what he brought was his time and talents. It took him hours to prepare, cook and serve the meal. That was so special to me. I was moved and appreciative because that showed me his true love and appreciation for me. It wasn’t that he spent lots of time, he spent his precious time. You can get money back, time you cannot.

The truth of the matter is I’ve never had a grand gesture done for me by anyone that I’ve poured into. All that I know is the small, but powerful, selfless acts of giving of time and talents to show love and appreciation for me. Maybe that’s a good thing, and maybe it’s not. I really don’t know that answer. What I do know, however, is even those small acts have been missing in action for years now. There are so many people that I’ve chosen to give my time, talents, knowledge, money, and home, to ensure advancement of themselves. Not so that they return the favor, but to see them grow. And to hopefully, one day, be shown a modicum of appreciation for the opportunities or doors opened.

Some may say your speaking hypocritically, because you say you don’t do things to receive things, but you’re speaking about feeling unappreciated because no one has done anything for you. My response to that is this… if all you do is pour out and no one is pouring into you, eventually you will run out of juice. Balance in life is something that is required. Giving too much and receiving too little, that runs you down. Taking too much and sharing too little, makes you look selfish, and can eventually run you down. When there is a healthy give and take, it keeps the balance that is needed to pour out and to be poured into.

So right now, I feel unappreciated. There has been too much pouring and not enough poured. I’m not going to go around asking for appreciation. I believe that all people know when someone has been significant in their lives. We know the people that go above and beyond, that are there for us when there is no one else. You know that you should treat me with the special care that is deserved. If you don’t when you have the chance, what does that say about you? What should it say to that individual? Should they stop being that vessel? Or should they limit the resources they provide?

I wrestle with this issue because honestly, I am and have always been a giver. I don’t look for people to return to me the way I give to them. But I do, at times, think about why people are so resistant to showing the affection that they receive from me. I guess when I’m unable to pour into them because I’m not able to, or because I’m no longer alive to do so, they will appreciate what was done for them. It sucks that people really won’t appreciate you until your dead.

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Heart Chronicles – The Worst Firsts

For better or worse, we remember the first-time things happened to us. Be it the first time we got a boyfriend or girlfriend. The first time someone hurt your feelings. The first time you had a crush. The first time someone you like, liked you back. The first time you kissed someone. The first time your hormones showed up. The first time you got in trouble at school. The first time you had sex. The first time you got your nut. The first time you had a relationship. The first heartbreak. The first time a friend crossed you. The first time you were seriously lied to. The first time someone brought you something. The first time someone negatively hurt you. The first time you were rejected. The first time you were disappointed. The first time you became a parent. And the list goes on.

No matter which of those firsts mentioned above applies to you, you have experience with positive and negative feelings around the first time you did something, or had felt something, or had something happen to, by, for, with, or against you. It’s my feeling that when you experience too many of these firsts in a negative sense too quickly, it stigmatizes you against someone or something. Conversely, when you experience too many positive first too soon it gives you false sense of security or deepens your naivety about life. Some may say I’m wrong. You can’t have a negative blow back for experiencing too much positivity. On one hand I say, maybe you’re right. On the other hand, I say you’re wrong.

The balance in positive and negative experiences seems to be how life should work. The truth is sometimes these firsts happen in a vacuum that doesn’t allow for perspective, or steady remembrance that the journey of life will have multiple highs and lows. I think back to many of the first times in my adult life and maybe that explains why I’ve had so many issues trusting people as I’ve gotten older. Too many times I’ve believed the better in people and they show themselves to be other than what they appeared. Causing some painful firsts to happen that’s made those that have come after them suffer because of the trauma caused.

When you’ve been impacted by too many negatives early in life, it shapes how you see people and things in life as you grow. When you experience them in midst of your development, it can stunt you deeper than you believe. Let me also say that it matters who the person is that does this first to or for you. When you are affirmed by someone you care about it makes you feel even better than if it was a complete stranger. Similarly, when someone close to you wrongs you for the first time, it leaves a scar that’s deeper than what a stranger’s cross does. If a lover cheats on you for the first time, you feel that pain much deeper, than someone you’re just dating or someone you’re in an entanglement with.

There are two people who did two devastating firsts to me that I was unprepared for, and never expected to have happen. I truly believe that those two events happening enhanced some of my negative, pessimistic, and highly sexualized demeanor I carry for most men. When you put the best of you out there for the world’s consumption, and you get fucked over for your innocence, it strips away how much you open yourself. It begins to plant seeds of doubt and questions about you, and definitely about the intentions of others. It can lead to a drip, drip of poor choices that you have look up and wake up from.

Working through the traumas of my adult life have been extremely difficult. Admitting to my own role in some of the negatives and reminding myself of my self-worth with some of the positives, has been a bit challenging. Support systems, access to consistent and relatable therapy services are critical to maneuvering and successfully navigating through these emotional times in life. If you start to have these firsts happen too quickly, make sure you have people in your corner to talk to. Some who can help keep you grounded when you start floating, and others who can keep you lifted when you feel driven into the ground.

Love on yourself, respect yourself, and reassure yourself. These firsts are necessary and also dangerous traps in life. Can you relate?

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Life Chronicles – Supreme Court of Hypocrisy

I’m sure anything that I pose here isn’t going to be Earth shattering, or different from what has already been written and discussed about the final legal rulings of this term given by the Supreme Court of the United States. In a week unlike any other in American history, the Supreme Court decided it was going to throw its weight around and rewrite American history, this time not in the affirmative of rights of the people, but in stripping and restricting rights, access, and advancement in this country.

If I understand this correctly, mostly White business owners, and Congressmen, who didn’t need their PPP loans forgiven, were granted that, but students who went to college and completed their education, were denied relief from the anvil that is student loans because the Supreme Court said that the Secretary of Education went too far in providing relief. Then the Justices decided that they were going to take a hypothetical case, with a hypothetical scenario, with a fictious story and ram it through the court that now allows for businesses to deny service to LGBTQ+ people because it infringes on their religious beliefs.

And if that wasn’t enough, they threw the haymaker and said that Affirmative Action in higher education is unconstitutional. All of these cases were decided along ideological lines for the justices. The 6 Conservative Justices in the majority and the 3 Liberal Justices in the dissent. The thing that I continue to find remarkable is every time Justice Clarence Thomas, a Black man, has the opportunity to decide cases of Affirmative Action, he ALWAYS sides with the Conservative Justices, either in dissent or concurrence. It’s as if he forgot that he’s a Black man, whose seat on the bench is a DIRECT result of Affirmative Action. As if he forgets that part of his privileged education came because of Affirmative Action policies in higher education. He has drank from the well for so long, that instead of being a proponent for the advancement of the Black community, he finds a way to sink further away from the community.

So, as I sit here today, I’m asking myself what this means for me, and the generations behind me that are coming up, and the generations that haven’t been born yet. I am torn in so many different ways because each of these rulings impact my life in one way or another. I am an adult with substantial student loans to pay back. That $20,000 that was going to come off the books would’ve helped immensely for me. I am a Black man, who has more educational goals than just my bachelor’s degree. How does phasing out Affirmative Action in the decision-making process impact my chances of acceptance to reputable graduate institutions. I’m a proud part of the LGBTQ+ community, and I’m really nervous about how this ruling will open the door for further removal of rights for my community.

For as many people that feel all these rulings are appropriate, ask yourselves, would you be supportive if you were one of the class of people affected? I’m sure for most of you the answer would be no. When people ask the question how did this right or that right get taken away by an Earth-shattering ruling, we look back on these major rulings that laid the groundwork for that catastrophic ruling to be made. This activist court is laying all the requisite foundation for more consequential changes to come regarding Affirmative Action, financial equality, and LGBTQ+ rights. We must be mindful and proactive to ensure we can elect officials that will select judges who will rule with an eye towards equality and true justice.

These decisions that these nine men and women are making aren’t just in a silo. They don’t just affect the country along the ideological spectrum that agrees with their rulings. They affect everyone and everything that we do in life. There is a danger that this court is reverting American policy back to the “Good Ole Days” of White majority rule. Restricting the progress of American life and democracy. The constitution granted rights to ALL citizens, not a few or the ones that have the power to control. Why are these ruling so consequential? Black people have been disenfranchised since being brought to America, Affirmative Action was a Conservative policy enacted to help level the field. Take that away in higher education, is the business world next? If that happens, do we go back to seeing even more majority White C-suite offices in Corporate America?

Why is relief so difficult to come by for everyday Americans? We let corporations, company executives, and wealthy individuals get away with debt relief and financial restructuring all the time. But when a policy is written that aids everyday people with managing finances and lightening their debt loads, the court or government, want to say that’s a bridge too far. I guess that Reganomics is still prevalent today huh. Who the fuck knew that an outdated, ineffective policy from the 1980’s would still be guiding an entire ideologies belief set. Help the rich, fuck the rest right.

And the LGBTQ+ situation, I could spend 50 blogs writing about the ramifications of what the court just did. You have a ruling that was based on a hypothetical that doesn’t exist, you lied about the man in your brief. You said he was gay, and he asked for your site to make a wedding site for him. The truth is that the man is straight and has been married for 15 years, oh and he didn’t ask the lady for anything. Bruh are we really living in a world where the government, White folks, still making up shit just to get a policy they don’t believe is just overturned. I’m not shocked, I’m just tired of the shit happening every time we turn around.

The sad truth is that as long as we live in a society where there is one class of people who still believes that they are superior to others, we will always be in a place where we have to be concerned with the courts rewriting history in a negative aspect for those in the minority and who have little to no power. Speak up, speak out, do something and advocate for and effect change.

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Heart Chronicles – Commencement for Kings

It’s been a little over a month since crossed the stage and became a Morehouse Man. Cloaked in all my regalia. Stoles, cords, academic hood, dressed to the 10’s, in school colors no less, and a smile that could light even the darkest room. The energy and atmosphere on that Sunday morning, May 21, 2023, was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t know how other institutions, or HBCU’s conduct their commencement ceremonies and weekends, but what I do know is there is NOTHING like a Morehouse commencement.

For one, starting that Sunday morning was a big ass challenge, LOL! I was cross-faded, drunk, and high. That had its own share of obstacles, especially when I didn’t lay down and close my eyes until 2 something in the morning, and I had to be up at 4:45am. Yet, I plied my ass out that bed, nothing was going to stop me from living in this moment and giving my momma her moment to glow and receive all the praise she deserved from having her only child, a Black man no less, achieve something is rare in our community. Being a Black man graduating college, statistics say I have a better probability of being in jail than being a college graduate, which is an accomplishment that needed to happen. Enough pretending to be a Morehouse Man, time to step into those shoes and fly to the moon.

Second, having to be on campus by 6:30am was whew! Just so early, but again I was going to do what needed to be done. Yet once we were instructed to line up to begin our final march on campus as students, the energy and the atmosphere shot thru the roof. Everyone woke up and once we got outside, as the sun was rising over the buildings, the buzz began to grow. The alumni arrived, parents, family, and friends were showing up in numbers. The faculty and administration had gathered at the top of the hill at our student center, waiting for us to take the Tiger walk down to the Century Campus, to take our rightful place in Morehouse College history. My body was immediately infused with this energy that was dynamic. It was too positively powerful to let tears fall, I just couldn’t stop smiling. 17 years in the making, and the day had finally arrived. The moment was upon us, and it was being recorded for the world to see.

That walk I’ve taken thousands of times over the years of being on campus, but it never felt as symbolic, important, and monumental as right then at approximately 8:30am. With alumni lining the street on both sides of us as we started our walk to history. They were so lively and energetic. Clapping, smiling, recording, high fiving, congratulating and basking in the glow of another round of intelligent, dynamic, Morehouse Men ready to take this world and lead it from whatever perch we happen to land upon. Cheers, applause, hugs, shouts, handshakes, and endless banter filled the walk, space, and time as we took the slow, but continuous march to the big show. The commencement master of ceremonies talking about the attributes of our class. Priming the families and friends of the 407 graduates of the class of 2023. And once we reached the top of the hill, my God it was a sight I never saw in person. Thousands and thousands of Black folk losing their minds as we entered the arena. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and friends all on their feet euphoric as their loved ones marched into their destiny.

As I couldn’t do that day, but I’m doing as I write this and my mind takes me back to that fateful morning, tears are streaming down my face right now as I just think and appreciate how special that day was. In fact, that whole weekend was. As is typical of Morehouse College, we never have typical anything. So, we filled that weekend with special events and moments that allowed students and parents to being the process of preparation for that special day. Ceremonies that welcomed us into the alumni ranks, ceremonies that let us pay homage to our parents/guardians that were instrumental in helping to get us to this time. In each event, my mom allowed herself to be present and her emotions overwhelmed her as she just shined and beamed with so much pride and joy in me, her son, and my accomplishments.

I will never, ever forget that day. The emotions and pride I felt within myself. The beauty, pageantry, majesty, power, and magic of seeing hundreds of supremely talented Black men in one place, being honored and praised for our excellence. I hope that everyone is able to experience something like this in their lifetimes. You deserve to have your emotions and feelings pushed to this magnitude. The question becomes what I do with this achievement and how do I build upon it to take me to a higher level. Those plans are being crafted as we speak.

Thank you, momma, for always believing in me and loving me through my challenges. Thank you, Grams, for believing in me and pushing me to come back and finish what I started. Even though you aren’t present physically with us anymore, the way everything went off perfectly that weekend, you were clearly here with me in spirit. I am eternally grateful to everyone who pushed for me, who encouraged me, who loved on me, who understood my lack of availability while I finished this part of my journey. I fuckin’ did it!!!! Morehouse College c/o 2023!!!

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Battle of the Dinosaurs

As I come back down to Earth from the most amazing weekend I’ve experienced in a long time, I’m watching what’s going on in the political world and it reinforces some narratives I’ve thought of for years and exposes America’s weaknesses even more. We are sitting on the cusp of having our next Presidential election be a redo of the last one. On the surface that isn’t the worst thing that could happen. However, when you understand that in 2020 the race was between a 78-year-old Joe Biden and a 75-year-old Donald Trump. Which means this time around, you have an 82-year-old Biden and 79-year-old Trump. What the fuck are we doing as a country that our leading candidates to lead the nation are old ass dinosaurs. Let me be clear, I have no problem with our Senior Citizens giving their wisdom and experience to the nation, but I do not believe they should in control of the “most dynamic nation in the free world”.

When you look at the men and women who have been elected leaders of their countries around the world, many leaders are significantly younger than our current American President, and his primary challenger for the position. They are more diverse in terms of race, gender, and background, than our current slate of candidates for the Presidency. Yes, some of you may say look at the Republican field. It’s diverse and has women and a Black man running for office. My response to you would be, bull shit and more bull shit. Do you really think that goof ball Tim Scott, of South Carolina, has a remote chance at winning the nomination. The dumb shit he kept saying and the weird dancing he was doing, will not endear him to anyone in the electorate. Nikki Haley, there’s another choice that realistically has not a snowballs chance in hell of becoming the nominee either. Why do I say that? Well look at the party. The modern-day Republican party is one of bigotry, misogyny, isolation, White patriarchy, and regression. Electable women do not fit in that mold, unless you’re a loudmouth, ignorant, Trump supporter. Therein lies the rub, those people can never win a Presidential election.

So, we as a nation are staring at a rematch of all the things that really should be the past of America. Instead, it is the present and future, for at least the next 6 years. When will some of you get off the notion that a younger candidate is an unprepared candidate? Do you realize that under younger Presidents America has been the most successful and innovative. Under John Kennedy we had the race to the moon, and the beginnings of the Civil Rights Movement. Under Clinton we had record surpluses in the National budget and many corporations that ran surpluses actually gave the money back to regular employees and not just the CEO or c-suite executives. Under Obama Universal healthcare became the norm. Don’t ask don’t tell went away, same gender marriage became legal, we killed the leader of the 9/11 attacks. What is the common thread amongst these men? They are all Democrats, and they were all young when elected President of the United States. Progress means accepting the youth movement and allowing it to proliferate into the realms of your businesses and institutions. That’s the only way that we move civilization forward in the ways it’s intended.

Instead of total forward progress, we find ourselves mired in another unofficial civil war. In the Conservative parts of America, Republicans are leading the charge to regress to eras gone by where old, and young, White men controlled and ruled the day. Even the White women elected as Republicans are governing blindly against their own interests. To ignore your child’s wishes because you think that they’re unable to fully understand themselves is laughable. To try and police the information that the world knows about this country’s founding and the devilish things Whites did to ascend to power is criminal. How do they do it, by restricting access to reading material that is comprehensive. By controlling school boards and local elections to restrict dynamic curriculums being created. By finding and appointing judges who will interpret the law to be in agreement with the outdated principles of their leaders. And by gerrymandering state districts to restrict and prevent true and accurate elected officials from obtaining office. In Liberal parts of the country, Democrats are trying to push the nation to become current with the times. Updated technology, modern electrical grids, dynamic school systems, upgraded tax codes that offer a shot at fair tax collection, updated public transit, and elected leaders that reflect the demographics of the areas in which they represent. Not to mention judges who don’t take a penal view of the law, but a just and redemptive approach to issuing justice to criminal offenders.

This brings me back to the two leading representatives of the political parties. Joe Biden, the Democrat, and Donald Trump, the Republican. One man reshaped his entire party to reflect the hateful, destructive views of many of his electorate, while the other capitalized on the fear of his electorate to endure years of a corrosive, damaging leader. The results were not what anyone expected but were extremely predictable. When America is uncertain about things, it turns to old White men to stabilize and reset the country. After 8 years of a Black man leading this nation, it turned to an old White man who had outdated beliefs because the new way was too dynamic for many of the old ass people living in this country. Young people wanted more and so the candidates offered in 2016 didn’t deliver on that, hence the Orange walrus being elected. In 2020, the field boasted new, fresh candidates, but none that excited the masses and none that offered a bold enough solution to remove the stench that engulfed America for 4 years, so we went with an old, White man who promised to “restore the soul of America”, and to “restore America’s place in the world”. Instead, what we’ve gotten so far is a half ass move towards progression in some ways and a regression to “Old White America” in most other ways.

As we stand just a year and a half away from the next Presidential election, we must answer the question: Do we really want to sit through another old ass geriatric election between two old farts that need to be sitting in their retirement homes enjoying the twilight years of their lives, not trying to run the most expansive country in the world. Neither Trump nor Biden are dynamic thinkers, movers, or organizers. They are writing American history that is truly dynamic, they are rewriting a narrative already written with moderate changes to the story. In Trump’s case, his party is rewriting the narrative and it’s going to destroy the nation of the other elected Republican leaders don’t break the zombie hold Trump has on the party. Buckle up, the dementia, outbursts, and rants are going to be on full display. What will also be on display is the embarrassing representation by our political leaders. Many of them are old, White, and male. Let the battle of the old White men commence.

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Life Chronicles – Morehouse Man

Damn it y’all I fuckin’ did it!!! It’s been 17 years in the making, but I am officially a Morehouse Man. Back in May 2002, when I wrote my acceptance letter to Morehouse College, informing them of my intention to enroll and accepting the offer letter they sent me, I just knew that in 4 years I would graduate with a degree from one of the best college institutions in America, and the best HBCU in the land. I never expected that life would.. well life, and it would take me 17 years to complete the journey I started all those years ago.

The feeling that I felt when I realized that the journey was complete was surreal. It was on Wednesday night, around 8:30 pm, after my Marketing Management class was over. The final project for the class was complete and I knew at that moment it was done. That was the only thing that could’ve kept me from passing the course, so I had to focus and make sure that I not only finished the assignment, but that I put my A effort because I had a goal to accomplish. Knowing that I had done so after I submitted the assignment, all the emotions hit me at one time. I cried my eyes out for about 40 minutes. A Black man in America graduating college, those odds are steep. Fuck what you hear about equality. A Black man is more likely to get shot in the streets or to be locked up in jail than he is to graduate from college. Not only am I graduating from college, but it’s also one of the best colleges in America. The dream realized, a journey complete, a promise kept, a goal completed.

The emotions came from so many different places. Realizing that my journey to this point was anything but smooth. Leaving school, re-enrolling and finding out that things changed so you can’t go back without satisfying a balance that you didn’t have the money to pay. Make another attempt at returning, only to have your mother switch up on the plan y’all made together, ruined and facing the prospects of never graduating from the place you yearned for. Also, maybe not being a graduate at all. Some may say why do you even care? A college degree has been devalued in this country for a few years now. The most successful and wealthiest people do not have a degree. They don’t have that debt burdening them down. Those points are true, but for me, it was something I always wanted and aspired to accomplish. It’s challenging for Black people to earn a college degree. The failed everything that happened along the way and to finally be at the top of this mountain.

This moment was supposed to be shared in the physical presence of my gramz. She was my biggest supporter all the time. She always believed in anything I did and would always remind me that I needed to finish school. I promised her for years that I would. I never told her how my moms fucked that up in 2010 with her selfish decision. I kept my head down, hoping for the opening to go back and finish. That door opened in 2021 and I jumped at the chance. With the Morehouse Online program being launched, the opportunity was being presented and I was going to do what it took to finish. First thing was to pay off the debt still owed to the school. It still blows my mind that a damn college would hold a financial debt on it “college books” instead of sending it to collections like most businesses do when you owe a balance. Given that it had been 15 years I just knew I didn’t have to pay that $1100 back. Wrong! They made sure that they got their money.

For the better part of the last 17 years I had been living a life of a lie. Everyone in my professional world, and most in my personal life assumed that I graduated from college. Primarily because I spent 3 plus years in school. I withdrew early in the Spring semester of 2006. I was burned out, tired, and my personal life was really fucking with me. I needed a break and had come up with a plan to take a year away, re-enroll in Spring 2007 and complete my degree. Well, you know even the best plan is just that, a plan. Life did what it does, and that plan got all fucked up, so I had to adjust and pivot. Still operating under the guise of being a graduate in Corporate America. In some ways, that fear of being found out paralyzed me more than I even realized. My light shined so brightly for me at a young age in the corporate world. But not having my degree completed was always in the back of my mind. I wondered if I applied for positions that were truly a stretch would I be found out because the company would do a thorough background check and see that I was a dropout, not a graduate.

I danced around with the idea of going to another school to finish, but I knew the hassles of that. Trying to find another HBCU that would accept the majority of my credits, so I didn’t start over as a Sophomore was going to be difficult, plus, I didn’t want to finish anywhere else. I wanted to finish at Morehouse. Despite struggling with desires to change schools for a different scenery and environment during the years I was on campus, and a personal life that almost saw me attempt to transfer to Howard or Hampton to be closer to my then lover. I just felt that deep down, this school was the place that would prepare me best for the world that I was going to live in. And in truth, Morehouse did a tremendous job of that in just 3 years. These final years spent finishing have opened my eyes to new things, new understandings about myself and my heritage, and made me an even more dynamic person. Dreams do come true, you have to do the work though.

Here I find myself today, reflecting on the LONG journey that has gotten me to this point. I hope that my gramz is looking down smiling at me. Talking about me to my family that she’s with up in heaven. Proud of her grandson for finishing the journey I started. Proud that I kept the promise that I made to her. I miss you so much and my heart fills with emotion when I think about you and hearing your voice in my head. I know that if you were here, the family would be tired of you. LOL. I know that you wouldn’t stop talking about this moment. This weekend will be a celebration of me and I will be thinking about you. I cry tears of joy and tears of hurt when I think about this accomplishment and you not physically being here to celebrate in it. Know that I strive to make you proud and I know I don’t always achieve that goal, but more often than not I aim to accomplish it.

Being able to not live a lie and to confidently and boldly walk in my truth of being a graduate is so freeing. I feel like the rest of the goals and ambitions I had I can complete without fear of looking over my shoulder. Because I sealed this deal. Look me up and you will find my name with Morehouse College part of my educational background and a degree in Business Administration: Management under it. Walk in your truth and doors will be opened. As many that were opened before, when I was walking in half-truths, more will be open now that I walk in full truth. To God be the glory! My momma is preparing to slide down to Atlanta, and she is bringing some of the fam with her. Friends and my chosen family are going to be in attendance too. What a time to be alive. No time to stop though, I have and will pause to reflect, appreciate, enjoy, and celebrate this momentous achievement. Then on to pushing hard to make more goals reality, more dreams into possibilities and more opportunities to the table.

For now I’m truly allowing all of this to sink in. I gotta say it again: I am a fuckin Morehouse Man! Graduate C/O 2023. Thank you and I’m done.

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I am Whoever I Say I am

One of the most challenging things about actively living with dueling personalities is that they clash so frequently that finding a happy balance is increasingly difficult to accomplish. I struggle on a, damn near, everyday basis to meet the required need of both people that control the space in my brain. Someone might read this opening and ‘What the fuck did he just say?” And someone else might read it and go “that sounds just like me.” Wherever you fit on that spectrum know that there are more people like me than unlike me, they just might be unaware of it.

Ironically enough I have no idea when these two people split and became fully independent people living within my body. I’m not sure who came first, but I do who is most dominant. Yet, I’m not really sure of the actions of which person sometimes because it’s like there are moments when they’re moving on one accord, with one mind and purpose. Then, there are times where I know these two motha fuckers are battling it out to determine who will have the final say of the day. I’m never one to make a scene of what’s going on in my mind and in my body. I prefer to quietly manage these two individuals and hope to force a balance of what they want. There was a time where I was successful in this approach. I was able to fully integrate the needs and wants of both people into a day, or a week, or a month. Now, it doesn’t work at all and I feel like sometimes I lose the fight and it scares me because I fear that one is sabotaging the other, which in the end will fuck me over and destroy all I’m working to rebuild again, from a failed attempt to appease one person more than the other.

The funny thing about me and the people that reside in my head is that they attract vastly different people when they’re in control of things. One version of me attracts the quiet, shy, reserved guy. If you met him in the streets, he’s going to steal the show because his light shines bright from the background. He’s loyal, humble and respectful. That type of guy appeals to me in so many ways. It fits the balance that needs to be had because I tend to be very eccentric and outgoing. I don’t mind walking into any room, anywhere, and owning that bitch. So, to have someone on my side who doesn’t need or want that shine on that level is a bonus. On the other side, the other person attracts the same type of personality as me. The guy is outgoing and loud in his own right. His light shines bright, and he tends to be a little more ratchet than what is comfortable for me, but I appreciate it because it shows me my abilities and my limits with people. It allows me to demonstrate my true dominant nature, because to have influence in that situation, my dominance must be consistent.

Aside from the vast difference in guys I attract when each one is in control, my actions, emotions, needs, wants, and desires shift also. One version of me is satisfied with a under the radar life. I’m not being checked for regularly. People aren’t trying to find out what I’m doing, who I’m doing it with, and where I’m doing it at. Conversely, the other man in my brain wants to live life! Have more, be more, do more. The odd thing is that I feel comfortable in both settings. When the more extroverted person is out, I can pretty comfortably ride in that space as well. More eyes become fixed on me and there are more conversations had about me, and what I’m doing. The difficult part is getting the calm, introverted person to go along with the extroverted person, that’s where all the issues begin. To slow down or to speed up, and when to do each one leads to so many interesting conversations in my head, and probably some missed opportunities along the way.

One factor that impacted the rate of growth in my life was the lack of completion of my college degree. Admitting this today is not difficult, but it comes with a little trepidation. When I chose to leave school back in February of 2006, I thought it was the wise chose given the state of my life. I needed a break and taking a semester off would be good for me. I could handle the obstacles in my life, then refocus and finish my degree the following school year. The plan was off to a great start. Then life happened and derailed everything. For the better part of the last 17 years, I continued to live the life I never finished. I was pretending to be a college graduate because I only had 1 semester to finish. In my mind, I pretty much learned everything that I was going to need to say I was a college graduate. Yet, I wasn’t and there was still more that I needed to learn from an Academic, and preparedness standpoint that would have greatly benefitted me. But, after things fell apart a second time, I felt I couldn’t wait any longer and moved forward living the persona, because I had already started to build the foundation with it, to strip it away would’ve been disastrous.

I secretly lived with that fear for all these years. Knowing that at any moment if someone wanted to do a check to verify me, if a business wanted to make sure they knew who they were hiring, all they had to do was a search and they would find out that I didn’t graduate college like I said on my resume. I was a fraud. I was pretending that I had my shit all together when the reality was, I was riding half-assed out here. Trying my hardest to be seen but not shine too bright, because at any moment my trump card could be pulled, and I wouldn’t be able to defend any of it. That is until two years ago. I took the step to go back and finish what I started all those years ago. Back to the place I began, to close that chapter the right way. Some may ask why didn’t you just go back at any point and finish? Because I wanted to finish where I started, in my mind nowhere else was sufficient for me. Morehouse College, despite all its flaws and shortcomings, is a special place that carries special meaning. The name speaks volumes in many circles, despite what others may think.

This was the dream and the vision that needed to be completed. To become a Morehouse Man was the goal I made in May 2002, when I wrote my acceptance letter to Morehouse College. Every day after that day I was striving to accomplish that goal. Living life, especially in the professional world, without my degree was tough, but I did it for 17 years. No one in my professional life knows now or knew before now that I didn’t have my degree. I climbed the latter to a point and then I would get stuck. Part of it was being in my head, not wanting to get outed and embarrassed. Part of it was not having the full training needed to grasp the opportunities and thrive with them successfully. It exacerbated the split in my personalities I believe. The introvert was content to take the modest gains and live that life. The extrovert wanted more and felt that why should those few missing hours and courses hold me back. Let’s find a way, through mentors and just hard work, to obtain the skills and knowledge needed to be an exceptional corporate professional. That way no one would want to question my background, because my work speaks for itself, and the assumption of a polished educational background would be a given.

Fast forward to the now, the fake life living is over. As of Friday, May 12, 2023, I am officially a college graduate!!! I am graduating this Sunday from the only undergraduate institution that I felt suited me. I am finally a Morehouse Man! When I cross that stage to accept my degree, what a sweet, beautiful moment that will be. Maybe that will help to make the two people work to become whole. Still needing their space to run free and control my brain, but in a more controlled and complimentary way. I guess time will tell. I also know that writing this blog just released sooo much tension and fear. Thank you for reading and hopefully this helps someone else out there.

Until next time y’all. I’m signing off this post.

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Life Chronicles – Community Failure

It continues to amaze me just how outdated and selfish the Black community can be at times. As a strong, black man I’ve watched as so many of us seem to make the same types of mistakes that can be corrected by community help, but it rarely seems to occur. Learning lessons from the past and passing that knowledge on to the future is critical element of community growth that lacks in our community far too often. While there are efforts to ensure that young up and comers have this knowledge, far too often it’s substituted for street knowledge and culture, that while critical for understanding of history of self, is not as relevant as knowing the tools needed for a successful life. And there aren’t enough corners where the messages of how to survive and thrive are being embraced and passed down either.

I was watching a recent Facebook story where someone was gloating about how much they love their young nieces and nephews because they were all in the living room dancing and rapping lyrics to trashy rap songs. Why would you be proud of kids who aren’t even able to fully understand basic life but can flaunt and behave in gutter, street like behavior. Wearing their clothes like they street thugs instead of being presentable. Please tell me what fuckin lesson is being learned by this behavior? Some people may say, aww it’s harmless and innocent they’re just young. And there belies the stupidity and ignorance of the community. Where do you think lessons and impressions and personality is built in us. When we are young is when we are the most impressionable and spongelike. Knowing your culture and the history of where you come from is fine but be proud of them because they can correctly recite their alphabets, spell their names, do basic mathematics and reading comprehension.

A community that doesn’t invest enough in its young is a community that will suffer. Our community is so fractured from past pains, scars and divisions that today’s leaders are being put behind an 8-ball before they can get out the gates. I appreciate those who do the work to ensure that the next generation has more than the current. That is the way it’s supposed to be. Learn lessons and pass them forward. Teach those who don’t know what you do know so they can carry the baton once your time is up. Not learn what you know, make yourself successful then sit on it and let that wisdom die with you. Imprint on kids the importance of knowledge and understanding. Allow them to seek and obtain credible, healthy knowledge from those who will protect and grow them. Expose them to the ugly truths of life, while also giving them the talent and mental acuity necessary to combat these nasty realities.

What typically happens is procrastination and self-preservation over progression and evolution. How many parents really take time to explain life fundamentals to their children once they start to reach an age of understanding? Where do you see parents showing kids how to handle money and discussing the importance of credit, negotiation, budgeting and balance? It’s not enough to just let the teachers teach them these lessons. The reinforcement should come from home, and if not home then the community. Sowing back into the community could be financial, if you are blessed to do so, it can also be with your time and energy. It’s free to give back to the community. Organize free workshops for financial literacy. Provide free life counseling on managing money, expectations and influence. Talk about your struggles and successes with folks and do it with love and honesty and humility. Things that cost you nothing and can help generations of people.

I was watching Jennifer Lewis in a recent interview, and she said we have to start with love. I would amend that slightly to say we need to lead with love. When you do things from the kindness of your heart because it makes you feel good, and because you want to enrich someone else, it lands with the intended punch. When we as a community can love each other despite the skin tone, wealth gap, and education gap we are better as a collective. It disappoints me to see so many of us in conflict with each other because of the foolish and outlandish divides. We don’t collaborate enough, and we fail to do sufficient outreach. We are so strong minded in our belief of things we won’t accept views and perspectives that are healthy and natural alternatives. Stand on your beliefs always yet be open to receiving another view that has just as much logical reality as yours. More than one thing can be true at a time, and we keep missing that point.

African communities throughout history had been known for fierce loyalty and tribalism to be sure, but they were also known for community and providing for the whole and less fortunate as well. There was always the desire for growth, success and advancement, yet there was also the need to remember from where you came and promote the village not just yourself. In Black culture we’ve been so fixated on “equality” that we lose sight of the community and the ties that bind. We are so short sighted on financial stability, that lose track of the emotional, mental stability that is also needed. Don’t just teach financial literacy, teach mental, emotional, spiritual literacy. Teach how to manage relationships and how to build them. Display the ability to find common ground amongst differences. Community helps to provide that sense of belonging and acceptance. It promotes healthy, strong bonds. We need to embrace all of these things and once we do, maybe we can heal and truly reach the promise that King, Malcolm and others talked about.

Love and respect