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Heart Chronicles – Curiosity Peaked

The night I came face to face with my reality wasn’t a surprise. It was definitely accidental and not intentionally done. Vocal deception aside, lol, I didn’t know that my life would change that night. Also, it wasn’t like I was going to truly run from it. Once I started developing, it was easy to see that the male body had my attention way more than the female body. Credit given, women are gorgeous. Black women are amazing. Black men though… WHEW!! The male body is magnificent. The shapes, contours, complexions, firmness, and softness are mind-blowing. The skills that men have using their bodies are special. When all of my friends began developing, we were all curious as to what parts grew faster than others. LMFAO. Well, I know I was, and there were a few others who were too. Who had the biggest dick? Was it long and thick? Was it just long or just thick? Who was growing hair and how much? LOL. Dumb shit that kids sometimes care about.

To get to that night when I was bold enough to hold and develop the conversation with him beyond just the typical teenage attraction was scary. It was built on the foundation that I already had though. As I grew up, I was experimenting and exploring with those who I trusted and felt comfortable with. I understood what I liked and what I didn’t. I was well capable of saying what made me feel good and what I wasn’t sure of. Being young and curious worked in my favor. Those who remember those days probably kept quiet all these years later because it would expose them too. And I’m not in the business of putting someone else’s business in the street. That’s their story to tell and I would be wrong and disrespectful to take that from them. But knowing that I’ve always been attracted to men since we were boys and grew into men has always been reassuring to me. The outside world never knew, my world always was aware. Anyone who explored with me, was always a willing participant too. What did you think would happen? Teenage boys, with hormones, watching porn together? LMAO. That’s like taking a thief into a store and telling them you only have $5 to get food. We both know by the time y’all leave that store, more than $5 worth of food gone be leaving with y’all. LMFAO.

Gym class was always like the biggest fuckin tease in the world. Having to change clothes in front of all these handsome ass people. Most of them I know well because we grew up together. If they only knew what I was really thinking when we were dressing out in the locker room every gym class day. Middle school was when it started, high school was when it just went into hyperdrive. Knowing that so many of my friends had meat that just deserved to be serviced and asses that needed to be played in. LOL! I knew back then that my real attraction was a male, not a female. Living in an era when being yourself, was not fully accepted made it difficult to ever openly make advances to see if you can experience what you see. The key was to find the nonverbal cues that served as your opening. That’s what happened with one person in particular. We found our bond, and then we found our moment. From 9th grade, until we graduated, we was each other’s sneaky link. Sneaking off when the squad was over playing basketball. Pulling up on him when he was home alone. Coming over even when people were home and ducking off into the basement for a lil quicky. LOL. We acted like teenagers who found their long-lost love and enjoyed every chance we had to feel and taste each other. To this day, no one knows that we had our secret love affair.

Before him, there was another. One who the circle would never believe was down for sword fighting or throat goat activity. But if you know, then you definitely know. The freedom and the pureness with which we allowed ourselves to learn about our bodies and what we liked was an experience I’m so thankful that I got to experience. We never discuss these moments today, but we both fondly remember them. Shaping us and allowing our bond to be stronger on a level few may ever know. The truth about yourself must always be accepted by you. I knew I was curious about guys. I also knew that if I ever spoke it openly in public, I would be the black sheep for life. I imagine if we were able to have phones in school as freely and openly as they do now, we all would’ve been exposed so much earlier in life. Just because it’s not on a camera, doesn’t mean it wasn’t happening. So many moments were allowed to remain anonymous and sacred between young people figuring themselves out. No pressure, no eyes, no outside opinions. I was always piqued.

What’s unhealthy is trying to force someone to oppress their feelings and desires. If your child has an interest in something foreign to you, it doesn’t mean that you shun them or try to force them to change. Listen to them and try to understand them. Give them the room and freedom to explore themselves and understand what they feel. Give support and offer your ear, even if you don’t think you can. That’s what is required today. We don’t need to be suppressed. Dismissing a child’s curiousness to them being young and not understanding is stupid and harmful. We know as children what makes us happy. It evolves over time as we learn more, but we still know. Playing with boys from a young age was something I always did. I was always interested. Kissing them at a young age and liking how it felt. Another story for another day. The point is, when you’re young, you do know what you want. It may change or develop into something different as we experience it more and see what it really entails, but it doesn’t change the fact that we know.

Part of the reason we have so many DL/curious guys is because they want to be free to explore the feelings inside. They don’t just want to give in to the “norm” of being with a woman, but their families discourage them or they’re unapproving of it. Usually because of a bible written by men, interpreted by humans, who are biased to what they believe. Rather than allowing your child to be openly able to explore who they are as people. In the year 2024, people still live and breathe by the bible and the gospel preached by a human being, over common sense and the laws of nature. You love your child but you’re willing to put them in the streets as a minor because you disagree with their life choices. Because you don’t understand why your child would choose to embrace a way of living that is more difficult for them. That’s where you lose the game before it starts. It’s not a choice. Loving a man isn’t something I chose over a woman. It’s who I am. I am a man who loves being with men. Women who love being with women don’t choose that. It is who they are. Acceptance rather than betrayal is needed. Curiosity started a lot of things in life.

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Heart Chronicles – Filling the Void

Without question this is one of hardest recollections I talk about, because it forces me to admit facts that I’ve tried to steamroll for years. Missing the love and acceptance of my biological father has been devasting to me for a long time. It’s also one where I have to admit that the societal norms and teachings don’t help to prepare a child to grow up and deal with the deficit. Take nothing away from mothers, grandmothers, uncles, brothers, cousins, grandfathers, and any other part of the village that steps in to aide in closing the gap. But when part of who you are rejects and ignores you, it gives you pause to questions yourself. No matter how strong you build new bridges to cover the hole inside you, it cannot and will not replace the affirmation and self-identification of your father. Thankfully, the love and teachings of my momma, grams, aunts, and role models helped to ease a little of the burden and pain, but I’ve always lived with a sense of not belonging. Despite the adulation, praise, support, love, and encouragement from those I love and care for most, to see your father face-to-face and be ignored and disregarded in one of the most solemn times, that should bring y’all together was fuckin hurtful.

The loss of someone you love is difficult to comprehend, the loss of a child is fuckin unfathomable. When you have the luxury to lose one child, yet can be consoled by your other children, you should consider yourself lucky, thankful, and grateful. Yet, when blessed with the opportunity to grieve with your child, you stare into his eyes and move on to graciously and joyously greet the other guests, leaving your son to again wonder why is he not enough to earn your attention and time? One by one, at the bottom of the steps, you thank the attendees for coming to honor your late son. I watched as people filed out of the church and you proudly stood there to meet them. You took your time to greet my momma. Tipping your cap and speaking, directly in front of me. I walk right behind her, and you turn your attention to the next person. This is the treatment you give the son who is your namesake. I didn’t ask for that. I was given that, without consultation, after you married my momma. I was not born with your name, to be 1000 percent clear. I was born into my mom’s family with the family name. But, because she loved you, my name became your name.

Four children you had before I was created in this world. Two boys and two girls. You had experience with raising a son before me. You had time to hone your parenting skills to be a better parent to the 5th child, than you were to the first four. You had one the best fuckin villages I’ve ever seen. Both sides of your family were there to provide support, care, advice, and loving. You used it to your benefit for a while. But clearly, you’re not meant to be married and sadly you failed to be a father. The things most kids learn from a present father I did not learn from you. Yes, you did teach me work ethic, and for that I will always be grateful. That’s pretty much where your positivity ends in regard to my development as a young man, into a grown man. I didn’t learn about sex from you. I didn’t learn how to play any sport, didn’t learn how to drive, didn’t learn about dating, didn’t learn about self-defense, self-awareness, or any of those things from you. You were forced to do the fatherly shit that you did based on things I did. When y’all found out that I liked boys, particularly looking at they dicks, LMFAO, when I was in middle school, you were forced to “talk to me” about sex. That was the first time that you took any interest in my development. Your chosen way of “teaching me about sex” was comical, common, and lacking.

I didn’t then and I don’t now, knock you for the approach that you took. Maybe that was the best you knew how to address the situation, so I give you credit for the attempt. You showed me naked women and talked to me about how you handled sex in your days. That missed the whole fuckin mark, but you tried. I didn’t want to know how you chose to penalize a woman by withholding sex when you wanted to. That’s not teaching me shit, but how to be petty. You didn’t ask me if I was interested in both girls and boys, at the time either. Just forcing the “heterosexual” life on me with your various magazines and straight porn videos. Never knowing that me and some of my closest friends watched them together when we stayed at each other’s house. Usually, playing with each other in the process. LMMFAO! My curiosity with boys started from such a young age. None of you ever knew that. There are those who know, because we were playing together, exploring what this taboo thing was. And I’m blessed that I had people around me who had the same curious nature, and we were able to figure things out without the world gazing, judging, and stereotyping us.

The thing I could never figure out with you, was why you wanted me to have your name, if all you were going to do was be a breezy father. What is a breezy father? One who breezes in and breezes out. Development, growth, learning, doesn’t really come from you. You do the easy shit and show up for the accolades. When it’s awards season in school, here comes your Chesshire cat smiling ass to get the shine. When it’s time for me to put on a presentation, give a speech, be recognized for my outstanding works, here you come, skinning and grinning. The breezy shit. When it’s time to get dirty and do the work for those plaudits to be given, you’re in the breeze then too nigga. Breezy father. The hard work to get the grades I got. The extracurricular things I chose to get involved in. Preparing to campaign for school office. Learning how to do the life essentials, you were not there. It was my momma, my aunts, the instructors, the coaches, the teachers, or the counselors. When I came out, that was the end for you. You walked away and have pretty much stayed away for 20 years. Lying to your side of the family, telling them you talk to me regularly. Lying that you know anything about what’s going on with me.

When my brother died, you lied to my sister and told her that you didn’t have my phone number, and that you weren’t sure if I still had the same number. Fuck nigga, my phone always works, and I’ve had the same phone number since 2008. HA!! I hate changing numbers; it’s so ratchet to me. Mostly because when you change numbers you have to spend so much time giving it to the important people that need it. Family, work, friends, shit like that. But the audacity of you to boldly lie, in the face of tragedy striking our family. That just crystalizes how disgusting of a man you are. The trifling nature of your thoughts and the immature disposition of your soul. You just lost a child, and instead of you using that as a moment to galvanize your family, you continued to try and isolate your children from each other. This is the missing part of me that you want me to know and be like? You abandoned the family when you stepped out on my momma and created another child, during your marriage. Then you lied and hid his existence for 4 years! You and your side of the family. You people who claim to be “bible toting Christians”. But you committed one of the cardinal sins in that bible, and your trifling, wicked ass family helped you cover it up.

You allowed them to shun me and throw their “what about the bible” bullshit at me. How are you supposed to be my role model, my other half of my genetic and life makeup, but I don’t feel connected to you as my father. Then, when your son chooses to remove himself from the shit, you look stupid, act dumb, and the questions are flush with bullshit. Honor thy mother and thy father, is what it says in the text, and you mother fuckas be hell bent on following that. Fuck that! Honor those who honor you. Let’s start there. I will never honor someone who doesn’t even recognize his own child, that carries his name. The sad trend that you have carried on since you began having children, particularly sons. There is a reason that none of your living sons can stand your guts. You have no relationship with your sons. Not because we didn’t want one, but because you have never presented yourself open to having that bond. It’s not the job of the son to make his father bond with him. Understanding with clear eyes that anybody can create a child, being a parent, specifically a Father, takes work. If someone asks me about my father, I really don’t have a lot to positive things to say about you. I can’t tell them how you helped me develop into a young man, or a grown man. I built myself into a father figure in my chosen family life. Giving myself and those who choose to listen to me, solid foundation on which to stand. Finding, developing, growing, evolving, healing into a man that I can be proud of.

Never neglecting to mention that even with all I’ve worked hard to accomplish, I still feel a hole in my heart. Because the man I used to be named for, never took an interest in his son’s life. Interest is never a guaranteed thing. Just because someone shares blood with you, a name with you, doesn’t mean that they will actually take interest in knowing who you are and what you stand for. They may not be willing to provide support based upon your actions and what you believe, especially if it conflicts with what they think or who they are. True unconditional love is not easily found, and I learned that my father is not one of those people who poses that for his children. Love does not abandon or neglect. Love will challenge and push, but it also forgives and comforts. Where was your love for me when I was at my lowest? When I was struggling for survival where were you? How could you allow another man, who is not my father, stepfather, or any blood relation take your role and be ready to move mountains to secure my safety? The hole that exists used to be wide as an ocean, time has allowed that hole to close to a pothole that I drive over. Occasionally, causing cosmetic damage when I allow myself to wonder what could be.

I would have loved to be able to come to you and tell you that I have these feelings for the love of my life when I was 16 years old. But shit, telling you would’ve amounted to me telling a Catholic priest. You would’ve tried to have your side of the family pray the gay out of me. Or you would’ve sent to my momma and let her try to figure it out. Because she loved you, she wasn’t ready to truly deal with and accept her 16-year-old son as gay. The evidence that neither of you could have handled me then, was evident when you found those yearbooks in my locker at home. Choosing to isolate me away from my friends, choosing to force me to family house to “protect me” and “convince me” that what I liked was wrong. Y’all felt I needed to spend time with more kids around my age doing constructive extracurricular activities. That shit didn’t work. How stupid of you to assume that. Never considering my feelings. I never felt protected by the person I’m named after, whose DNA partly composes my DNA. The closest we ever were, was right before I left for college. You had a family that was built by my mama. Your two youngest sons had a beautiful relationship, definitely no thanks to you though. I had a girlfriend that all y’all knew about. Yea, I was fuckin her too and she was present when I had my graduation cookout right before I left. Your whole side of the family was beaming with joy. Laughing and being so jovial. Cracking jokes at my momma about how she had to step aside because there was a new number one in my life, with my girlfriend being right there on my arm, staying up under me. One because she was just naturally shy at first, and two because she genuinely loved me. But the day I dropped that news that women ain’t it for me… well that was the complete end for you.

For the better part of 20 years, I’ve lived away from where I was born. And for the first 13 years that I was gone, you were married to my momma. You took vacation the same time she did, but you NEVER came with her to see y’all son. Having my own place every time she came to visit. She always stayed in my house, comfortable, happy, and enjoying time with her kid. Boyfriend with me or not, it didn’t matter, the point was to see how her son was living. To bond and spend time with me. Where was your bitch ass at? In Viriginia, plotting and scheming. Stewing in your venom of hate for me. Never accepting and appreciating that I chose to live in my truth. I refused be like one of your kids, or your nieces and nephews who lied and hid their sexual preferences for a long time. I lived life on my own terms and that shit pissed you clean the fuck off. So, now we are at this point in life where I’m totally uninterested in you. I don’t care what you’re doing, how you’re doing, or what you’re dealing with. Be clear, I want nothing bad to happen to you. I want you to enjoy the fruits of your work. Have peace and joy in your twilight years of life. The need or desire or want, to know you intimately and have a bond with you is gone. The hole that’s left will be for me to resolve. There really is nothing that you can do. Over 20 years have passed, and the last time you had a chance to do something right, you choose to go so far left that you killed the last bit of respect that existed for you.

Your daughters are willing to stick around because clearly, they have a different relationship with you. Their love and forgiveness for you allows them to look past the issues of yesterday, and I love that for them and you. Me, I used to want to know why I was never enough for you. I used to wonder how can someone disown me. While honestly, I have that question sometimes when I’m reflecting on me and going thru my emotional check-ins with myself, I’ve moved beyond that on the whole. Whatever demons you have, you will need to work and fix. If you choose never to do so, then you lost out on knowing a dynamic ass person that you helped to create. Then if/when asked about honoring thy father, I choose to ignore that when discussing him, because I don’t honor anyone who doesn’t honor me. Where the fuck in life does it say that having a child the end of the responsibility? Life commands respect from all parties at all times. Mother, father, brother, sister, anybody. If you want to be honored or respected, then you better give the respect you want. Yes, I needed you to help be created and for that you get your thanks. But that’s all.

Voids are filled numerous ways. Positively and negatively. To ensure that your child doesn’t have to fill foundational voids, be present, active, engaged and involved as parents. It’s what you signed up for when you laid down and fucked the pussy raw. You knew what could happen, and you weren’t actively preventing it from happening. Step the fuck up, man up, and take care of your responsibility.

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Heart Chronicles – Lessons Learned

The beautiful thing about growth, learning, healing and evolving is that you see the shit before it comes. You understand the trends and patterns, which means you are expertly adept at knowing the outcome before it ever happens. The trouble with that is you don’t believe it. LOL! And I mean how could you not. You’re never told that You know what will happen. When You pay attention, connect with nature, and plug-in to their energy, You know the outcome before it happens. I’m here to let it be known that I understand the outcomes and fates of those who try around me. I see what’s possible and I know what’s the truth. When I listen to that, I always have you figured out. We All are given special gifts or talents, that allow Us to be dynamic. When You listen to it, the world seems to be so simple and easy. When You get scared or ignore the signs life is giving You, then You make mistakes that become detrimental, if You don’t get rid of them. People will circle around in Your life sometimes, just to remind You of where You don’t need to be. To have a truly balanced life, You should be exposed to All types of people. If You don’t know what an Opp looks like, how will You know when they’re there?

Sometimes, people will fall into Your universe to teach You lessons. Other times, it’s to remind You of who You are. Then, there’s times when they come to show You, tell You, remind You, advise You, why You shouldn’t do things that run counter to Your success and whole happiness. When You forget to disconnect, You get reminded why You should. Once You allow nature to run the course intended, You will also find out if the seeds planted bear fruit. Things don’t always stay as they begin. You have to know when an Opp is masking as the truth and when the truth is masked as an Opp. Life isn’t singular, monolithic, one dimensional, black and white. Life is color, it’s unpredictable, it’s fucked up, it’s surprising, it dynamic! Always changing, never the same. People that started out one way, become something else; and folks who start another way, show up differently all together. The golden rule for me is never assume that You KNOW. Accept that you almost know. There is always deviation. Nothing is absolute. Which means that You need a variety of people in You life to keep You sharpe and on top of Your faculties. Be accepting and welcoming to the fact that You will know a lot of life and You will know nothing of life.

The Opp will sometimes mask as the real shit. They have a keen ability to verbally touch the titillating parts of Your inner being. The energy they come with is very pure, so when it touches Your senses, You immediately awaken from Your self-imposed slumber. Tired of the bullshit out here. The dumb acting niggas, the too confident niggas, the trash niggas, the trade niggas, the pretend niggas, the hood niggas, the street niggas, the smart niggas, the intellectual niggas, the facade niggas, the catfish niggas, the popular niggas, the sports niggas, the fem niggas, the trans niggas, the DL niggas, the discreet niggas, the exclusive niggas, the trap niggas, the country niggas, drug head niggas, weed head niggas, alcoholic niggas, butch queen niggas, drag queen niggas, fuck niggas, fake niggas, coke head niggas, meth head niggas, cheap ass niggas, savvy niggas, smooth talking niggas, rough niggas, school boy niggas, college niggas, college professor niggas, law enforcement niggas, administrator niggas, fuck boy niggas, clown niggas, star niggas, freak niggas, sick niggas, wealthy niggas, pretty boi niggas, sensitive niggas, soft niggas, hard niggas, mean niggas, sweet niggas, sophisticated niggas, simple niggas, dumb niggas, childish niggas, grown niggas, real niggas, humble niggas, deaf niggas, illiterate niggas, easy niggas, wrong niggas, stupid niggas, beautiful niggas, trifling niggas, artistic niggas, athletic niggas, faded niggas, porn star niggas, innocent niggas, guilty niggas, lying niggas, hurtful niggas, harmful niggas, hurt niggas, quiet niggas, loud niggas, ignorant niggas, church niggas, doctor niggas, lawyer niggas, entrepreneur niggas, broke niggas, hustling niggas, honest niggas, trustworthy niggas, loyal niggas, loving niggas, compassionate niggas, caring niggas, family niggas, individual niggas, selfish niggas, angry niggas, bitter niggas, petty niggas, ruined niggas, sexy niggas, rare niggas, common niggas, tired niggas, hungry niggas, overwhelmed niggas, scared niggas, powerful niggas, powerless niggas, lazy niggas, weird niggas, ugly niggas, cool niggas, intentional niggas, thoughtful niggas, passionate niggas, blessed niggas, honored niggas, tragic niggas, tremendous niggas, fabulous niggas, gorgeous niggas, boring niggas, energetic niggas, excited niggas, eccentric niggas, shallow niggas, lowkey niggas, sleepy niggas, horny niggas, empty niggas, full niggas, deserving niggas, undeserving niggas, tortured niggas, exhausted niggas, needy niggas, free niggas, bound niggas, jailed niggas, partnered niggas, cheating niggas, greedy niggas, settled niggas, happy niggas, sad niggas, thankful niggas, protected niggas, unprotected niggas, ungrateful niggas, grateful niggas, aware niggas, unaware niggas, unresponsive niggas, responsive niggas, responsible niggas, unresponsible niggas, misbehaving niggas, well-mannered niggas, secretive niggas, criminal niggas, preacher niggas, deacon niggas, slut niggas, virgin niggas, dead niggas, alive niggas, musical niggas, lyrical niggas, poetic niggas, jovial niggas, community niggas, village niggas, life niggas, shady niggas, short-term niggas, sneaky link niggas, beginning niggas, middle niggas, superficial niggas, materialistic niggas, twin niggas, curious niggas, inquisitive niggas, reluctant niggas, scary niggas, heroic niggas, giving niggas, aware niggas, high niggas, spiritual niggas, religious niggas, fearless niggas, black niggas, puerto rican niggas, jamacian niggas, blasian niggas, dark niggas, light niggas, brown niggas, foreign niggas, scandanavian niggas, mixed niggas, homebody niggas, outdoors niggas, club niggas, old niggas, young niggas, entitiled niggas, spoiled niggas, hardworking nigga, single parent niggas, dog lover niggas, animal loving niggas, earth loving niggas, acting niggas, serving niggas, dedicated niggas, big dick niggas, little dick niggas, long dick niggas, skinny dick niggas, fat dick niggas, lil booty niggas, plum booty niggas, peach ass niggas, juicy booty niggas, fat booty niggas, skinny niggas, fat niggas, muscle niggas, thick niggas, slim thick niggas, thunder thighs niggas, basketball niggas, football niggas, pretty dick niggas, ugly dick niggas, tall niggas, short niggas, average niggas, singing niggas, musty dick niggas, fresh niggas, dirty niggas, slutty niggas, whore niggas, tight booty niggas, loose ass niggas, wett ass niggas, dry booty niggas, shitty booty niggas, dirty booty niggas, musty booty niggas, clean booty niggas, fresh booty niggas, hairy booty niggas, smooth booty niggas, jiggly booty niggas, muscle booty niggas, soft booty niggas, creamy booty niggas, saggy ass niggas, masculine niggas, fem top niggas, masc top niggas, dominant top niggas, submissive top niggas, power top niggas, power bottom niggas, masc bottom niggas, fem bottom niggas, vers bottom niggas, vers top niggas, top niggas, bottom niggas, hung bottom niggas, bisexual niggas, pansexual niggas, fluid niggas.

Maybe it is the water. Florida, South Carolina, Georgia, all following the same trends. People in their states migrate and take their mindset with them. Altering the cultural and social landscape. There is a certain dominance asserted with a Florida boy. It might be a quiet dominance, loud dominance, balance dominance, submissive dominance, deliberate dominance or powerful dominance. You must respect that energy and be able to absorb and reflect it back. That’s where the respect comes from with them. Don’t let them run You over. Remember why they wanted you in the first place. You are that nigga. The energy, fashion, intellect, mentality, and look is put together. Growing and evolving always. Keeping fresh with time, never in a way to make Yourself look foolish, but always to remind them that You are always current. Setting Your own trend. South Carolina niggas… well they’re just talk and flash. They want You to think that they’ve got it all put together. Often times, they got a piece here and a couple pieces there, but You will be the dominant one there. The catch with them though, is they love affection, quality time, and being affirmed. When You speak their languages, it always an easy win for You. It’s difficult to sustain though, because they want You to be open, honest, humbled, calm, nice with them, but they don’t fully return the favor. Reciprocation is the name of games always in relationships. If you expect me to give you this version of me, then I expect the same from you. How can you not agree with that? Why is it even a fuckin discussion that has to be had? Like on what fuckin planet do you think it makes sense to say, hey I need to You to be this way and that way, but me Imma just do me. Fuck no! Wrong as a bitch!! We doing this shit the same way over here. If I give you what you ask for and I can’t get the same energy in return, I’m gone show you it’s best you leave. And the Georgia boys… that’s the catch. When you meet the ones who are from here, they’re some of the best guys, at times. Now some of these niggas, is just UGHHHHH. The transplants made the shit a million times worse. Now, everything is superficial and fake. How much can you use someone for. What’s the most you can get from a nigga because hey, why not? Time is money they say. If that’s the case, then nobody should get money. If You choose to give someone Your time, then You have paid them, and they paid You. Both of You sacrifice time when choosing to fuck with each other. I get it, You think that You’re the prize all the time. So, if someone isn’t on Your perceived level, You make them pay for just Your time. Now if they meet and/or exceed the criteria, then You become just as humble to them. I can understand and respect that. If you dealing with niggas in Georgia, pray that You get a quiet nigga, or a homebody nigga. They will cherish You. They will respect You. You just need to have the one thing that You suck at… Patience! These types are the opposite of who You were. Who You are, they are the perfect match for You now. Not needing to be Seen. Comfortable in their skin and happy to be beside You. Actually, walking slightly behind You. Not because they are behind or beneath You, but because You are the star, and they want You to lead and shine. Happy to be Your fuel to re-energize when You begin to get drained. If You find one, keep him. If You get lucky to find more than one, hide them! Take Your time and let the relationships develop naturally. The right one of the group, will naturally gravitate towards you.

What You learned along the way, is that age is so fuckin relative. The niggas who should be Your target are so scattered and weak. The ones who are accessible are damaged and need to work on them. The ones You desire won’t be found in this city, and if they are, they’re at a level that You haven’t accessed yet. Until You can, realize that the value is in the quality of the experiences, relative to the age of the person. All adults are different, and at different ages do we mature through life. Some get to have the fullness of life by times they enter their 20’s. An idea most niggas today would say is fuckin crazy. But the truth is, in this country niggas was having full lives by age 18. Kids, school, the military, the workforce. All that shit accomplished by age 18 or 19 or 20. The drawback is that they aren’t as wide open mentally oftentimes. being world experienced, and mentally aware aren’t the same things. Young niggas need to have life happen to them to understand why You live life a certain way. As they begin to understand that You see they gravitate back towards You. You are an example even through Your shit. They see a level of accomplishment, and they realize that You’re not done. You have more ambition and drive to continue growing, learning, evolving, and healing. The challenge for You is identifying who is/are the Opp/Opps. There are niggas in life that are here to destroy everything You have. Take Your peace, happiness, success away from You. Tear You down because they were already torn, or because they believe to come up You must tear down. They hide in the skins of loving, caring, affectionate men. They’ve been heartbroken before by one or multiple lovers. They’ve had an abusive past in one form or another. They getting back up and need help getting there. Those are like activation words for You. LOL. You love trying to help someone get their life together. That’s because You know the value of peace. You’ve been homeless before. You’ve been hungry, having not eaten for more than a day. You’ve had to walk everywhere You went. Having no place with Your name on it, but You can lay Your head. Living on edge because You’re so close to losing it all and having it all. It’s just a matter of time and the right breaks happening for You. That Favor shows up for You right on time. That always has reached Your heart, so You always find Yourself prone to that type of guy. And that’s why You must be careful. Because Opps are ALL in those ones. Waiting for the right Host to be the Parasite on. Draining them while getting themselves full. The right parasite will benefit You, while You benefit it too.

The lesson You learn is You can’t be the Host all the time. Sometimes, the parasites have to feed on others. Let them use their manipulative skills on the others. They feel, sense and appreciate Your realness. They choose to separate themselves so they can present themselves the right way for You. You set the standard and You enforced it without having to be mean, nasty, or harsh. You gave with a dominant grace. The messages were felt, delivered and respected. The absence and distance is because the respect is mutual, the appreciation is mutual, the feelings are mutual, so changes must happen for them to be realized. The beauty is that because of Your growth, healing, evolving, and learning, You know how to continue to grow that bond, fuel that fire, without being the Host and them being the Parasite. Learning, growing, evolving, and healing are beautiful. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary. It’s the reason that You could identify two Opps before they could get any closer. Before any more time was wasted. You listened and You followed the vibes/energy. Never being disrespectful in walking away. Always giving full appreciation, balancing your critique, delivering it with the strength, dominance, grace available to You. Moving forward is what must be done in all cases. Sweet niggas and smart niggas don’t mean right niggas. LOL. It takes the right mix, and I will never give away the ingredients, because they Always change.

Damn this shit really does feel good. Normally, after I’ve done these things, I sit in my thoughts. Questioning if I made the right decisions. Not trusting the instincts and gifts I’ve been given. Discerning the energy once I connect to the source, seeing the future path when I flow with nature, knowing the soul, once our spirits connect. Today, I feel good. After this, I feel released and at peace. Time to go enjoy a beautiful day!

What have You learned?

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Heart Chronicles – The Unspoken Always Speak

Every so often the universe/God, has to remind You just how in tune You are with it. On a random day, at a very random time, Your peace gets disturbed in the best way possible. You encounter someone dismissed as fake and parasitic. They present themselves to You with the same fever and genuine excitement to have been able to plug back into the source. Giddy with excitement fills the space between the two of you. Giving air between texts to think and feel. Smiling and laughing the whole time, all because someone who brings out Your passion and emotion has returned. Understanding that the type of passion he unlocks is purely from a place in the heart. Touching the purest points inside You because You realize just how fueling he can be to You and You to him. What the fuck is the problem then? He’s needed time to learn and grown. Admitted to himself, when You began talking. Asked directly and answered with that phrase. Learning what? I guess time will truly tell us that. Admitting that only You know how to excite him inside. Not like that, LOL, not yet anyway, LMMFAO.

Saying that no one makes him feel the feelings, emotions that You do. Able to speak with commanding presence. Talk with a clarity and definitiveness that resonates with his spirit, touching his soul. From what it appears, he is and has always been fascinated with You. Your energy, presence, physical appearance, everything. You clash substantively at times, because You see the world from different view, but they’re mostly complementary. He desires for Your manly approach. Placing boundaries around his social life and enforcing them in the face of his friends. Loving on each other intentionally, purposefully, and passionately. Carefully aware not to deflect potential moments that could bring foundational joy. His energy for You has never been in question. Truth is, You have always been the prize in his eyes. He actually has been remarkably consistent in that regard. Throughout the three plus years you’ve known each other, You always were talked about with great excitement and arousal. Never able to be shown because of his reluctance. A combination of being scared and not having a real experience to draw from. Needing to live life a little more. Experience some things, talk to people, learn about himself, grow in his self-confidence and self-awareness. Understanding that even now, there will adjustment and growth. Time to see if the energy, aura, and vibe transcend from socially, to privately. Never rushing, always efficiently, moving to reveal what lies beneath the surface.

Words have meaning, the power is given when meanings are universally understood and accepted and/or there is a physical verification or validation of the words and their meanings. We can’t pretend like when someone tells us something that we want to hear, like it doesn’t get a lil warm on the inside part. Hoping that these words will be affirmed and manifest themselves with actions from the person who used the words. Why do we get so upset with someone who uses words we understand? Because we place expectation or responsibility on the individual to deliver on the promise of their words. When the door opens again the expectations will be the same. There isn’t a softening until the actions show up and match the words delivered. If it doesn’t happen this time, then that will write the final page, the book. We know how the story goes in that case. And where we stand at life today, we don’t have time for anyone that wants to lip service anything.

Now You are the person who never needs to be explained. You’re always talked about but rarely identified. You are my private life. Very few have ever seen You. And never because I’m ashamed. I mean real shit… You are the definition of a baddie. Head to toe, personality and all. For almost five years now, we’ve been each other’s silent love affair all this time. Never pushing an agenda, not trying to make anything happen. Loving the space and peace we have with and for each other. Always understanding that if/when the time presents itself, the moment will be there. Sometimes missing the signs myself, that innocently and subvertly show up. We always fill each other’s space with the things that are missing. If we just need to talk, endless hours reliving the past days, weeks, months, years of our life, there we are. Never being afraid to indulge ourselves in the moment. Overcoming any obstacles trying to prevent us from flowing through our conversation. Whatever topics we desire to bring up. Sharing whatever intimate details we want. Protecting each other from too much. Realizing that there is something being quietly built. Not to be discussed really, but always to be understood between us and us alone.

Always knowing when to drop a little tease. Keeping that tension at a peak. Reminding ourselves of what it is. I recently had something happen and my mind instantly clicked to understand that it was another reminder about You. That reminders of You can come from other people with no connection to You at all. It’s amazing at how much we keep away from the world when we truly want to protect something or someone. We will give details and present the conversation, but if we are concealing who it is, we will take ALL cautionary measures to be as general and obsequious as necessary to shield You. In some ways, You could say it’s the ultimate tease. Always just at the fingertips, never within full grasp. Can you imagine the feeling? Knowing that the potential is right in front of You, it’s just not ready to be tapped yet. You have to be comfortable with that, and take Your chances that if a serious threat comes up, You will be given full opportunity to present Your case as to why it should be You and not them. You know part of the issue will be, until you finally build that final bridge, is contending with close outsiders. He provides everything that like, want, need. Intelligent, gorgeous, direct, outspoken, loving. It reads like the one, two, three of things to be for You. Always knowing when enough is enough. Never overstaying, and willing to share with You no matter what. Now isn’t the time to really expound on You, there is more work to be done. But You’re in the conscious because You never let Yourself leave. The unspoken do always speak.

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Heart Chronicles – A Father’s Day Tribute

Man… fuck! What the fuck is going on in the cosmos? Here we are again just feeling all the emotions of life. This time in the most positive of ways possible. Healing, growing, learning, developing, striving. I’m beyond proud of the man I see in front of me today. A proud Son, a determined Father, an ambitious Professional, a loving Brother, an Inspired Uncle. How did we get here? What the fuck is really happening in my life right now? Well… let’s not waste any more time. Happy Father’s Day to EVERY Father out there! From One to One!

This King that you’ve seen on display for the better part of 20 years now, came from the hood bitch. I was born in the projects, started growing and developing there. Honestly, I loved it. I used to run with my older cousins, and nigga, let me tell you something!!! It was fuckin exhilarating! Like nigga, I’m this lil ass jit, okay! My cousins are older and already developing/developed. They chasin girls and instead of me being at home, I was always with them. They used to tell me, be quiet, don’t say nothin. And what the fuck did I do…? I stayed the fuck quiet and didn’t say shit. LMFAO. Truth is, I love them for it. Because it showed me what the streets are/were. How to maneuver tactfully in the streets, when you get ready. It also teaches you how to handle yourself at all times. Authentic, direct, but approachable always. Never being too caught up on U, because that’s when U make mistakes and get fucked up. Always keep it on the whole, which starts with U! Without U, the circle doesn’t work, because U are the needle that threads it all together. Watch and see how this universe works. That’s what a Father is to me. Always underappreciated, but ALWAYS necessary. No matter what form it took in development, a true Father will ALWAYS Be present.

He will most likely not come made this way. There isn’t a blueprint, and the examples aren’t always the best or most desired. So, learning how to Be a Father is something that takes time, desire, skill, and love. Shaped from the beginning of understanding the man, and what his expected role is versus what his role needs to be. The man called Father on my birth certificate is an example of the standard, Black male Father figure. He worked and provided the majority of the income with his salary. Provided stability and certainty. Demonstrated what work ethic and hard work is supposed to look like. Also, displaying the need for balance in life. Take time away for yourself to be with the family you created. But he failed in the most important areas. He didn’t build bonds, lasting and emotional. He didn’t understand true quality time and what it meant. Far too often content with the small, nominal gestures that satisfied the bar. Wondering why the child you clamored to bear Your name sake, felt and behaved nothing like You. Never able to connect with him because You preferred to be the Man’s man. More concerned with how You look, than how Your family sees you. You used your charm and charisma to fuck around when You desired. You had the nerve to take me around one of the women. She’s a mother, so I will not disrespect her, but any of them others that You chose to slang Your dick in… bruh, just straight trash. Mostly, You.

I was always watching. I always saw and felt everything. I never talked about it because it wasn’t business to tell. It was, however, my life. Even as a kid I ran from the tragedy. Always desiring to be with my best friends, as opposed to this house. Because the man that’s supposed to be the leader doesn’t know how to lead a fuck thing, except his dick. Always wondering why, You never stepped up and moved up in Your career? Just driving them damn busses every fucking day. Until You got too old to trick off and You finally sat that down and made a couple career moves. Too late to be useful to the families You created. Because that’s right, You have four other children, before me, and one after me. Nigga You definitely fit in with Your times. Make them babies, and not necessarily with the same women. You have 6 different Mothers of Your children. Your first born is the one who was the most like You. Moved just like You. Nasty and trifling. And it was there that Your downfall came. The final nail in Your coffin came after his memorial service. When You stood there, grinning for the people, Salesman for the family, basically meaning You, and betrayer in the eyes of the woman You regret most.

As a kid, I always knew the role you played. You were the parent who was involved enough that You were present. They saw You when it was time to get the shine. Your son, who has Your name is out here showing out again. Whether in the Hood elementary schools, after school, Suburban elementary school, I was gone stand out no matter what. It’s just who I am. When I want something, I’m gone get it. If it’s meant to be mines, when I apply pressure, it’s coming home. You ate that shit up out in them streets. Always talking to Your people about what I’m accomplishing, and how I’m accomplishing it. Knowing that My Mother wants me to know ALL of my family, we gravitate, now, to Your side of the family more. Around for all the family shit. Cookouts, family functions, church, all that shit. I’m seeing all my cousins more frequently. Around during the holiday season. Being compared to my younger cousin. We’re a year apart so close enough to compare, in their eyes. Because I was always thought of as more on my momma side, Your people were always sketchy with me. Showing commercial love always, but really only a few of them fucked with me for real. We were never gone fit into their Churchgoing ass circle. You never had the balls to tell them to back the fuck up, so we knew that it was gone be up to us to find our way to fit in. Some Father you are. Your family needs You to be the leader, and You bitch up. Preferring to be preoccupied with who knows the fuck now.

That experiment eventually crashed and burned. Although, it came back a couple times out of necessity. Always showing that it has potential, but never can be fully realized because You could never be a leader. I saw You always proud of me when I showed out. You also beamed whenever me and my siblings were able to join together. Problem was, them niggas couldn’t stand Yo ass. My sisters were always partial to You though. So, I always knew of their presence, more than my older brothers. Awards ceremonies, You were always counted on to be there. The big ones only. The smaller, intimate affairs, reserved for my mother. When I tore the house down in front of the school board in elementary school. Nigga, You ate that shit up. I was the fuckin show, and You made sure Your name got dripped on. My mother prepared that prince that night. She does that grunt work. Polishing my skills, always pushing my vernacular growth. Never allowing me to start something and see it to a conclusion. You were out there pounding pavement, much respect to You for that. But You failed to do the work. End of elementary school saw me show my ass AGAIN. And there You were, present to get the shine, overstepping my mother. Boy scouts, You did the same thing. When it was competition time, Yo ass was front and center. When it’s grind time, just me and her. Your example was always lacking in the personal department. Never fully appreciating that I watched You, because You were my example. Purposefully chosen to bring Your legacy into the world. And just like with Your other children, You were absent in being a fully present Father.

Presidential Academics and Physical Fitness. You were lights, camera, action for those moments, bro. Smiling for the people, lovingly embracing Your family. Allowing the audience to see that this is a proud, two parent household. Meanwhile, behind the doors, You can’t keep Your dick to Yourself. You bring me along with You to the woman’s house, who would become Your sixth and final mother of Your child. How disgusting of a role model can You be? Buying Your son’s silence and praying on his compassionate heart. Knowing that the love he has for his mother would see him hurt in silence, before he wanted her to hurt out loud. Praying on that to wedge him and his mother. You were the worst kind of Father. Present and destructive. The absent Father is destructive, because his active presence makes the difference in his sons’ life. You are the worst, because You have the power to help shape a generational leader. And You chose to try and poison him instead. You knew that I have greatness inside me. It was always and is always on display. You didn’t know how to grow and transcend, because You chose to be stuck in the paradigm of what the traditional Church said a Black Man was supposed to be. And Your family was too stuck up the religion’s ass to tell You the fuckin truth. Except one, and that’s she was always my favorite auntie. Her daughters my favorite and most loyal cousins.

When You, the Father, saw the first signs that Your son was gay, the reaction by You, was to show me straight porn. To introduce me to titties and pussy, dick and ass. That’s where You fucked up, and You never knew it. Hell yea I loved watching that shit. At first, it was because of the fuckin. I loved seeing the big, black dick slide in and out of the wett pussy. But after a short time, I didn’t give a fuck about the pussy, I became fixated on the man. His chiseled body, that bush that led down to his shiny, massive, hard, chocolate dick, beautiful balls, and his perfect, plump, soft, juicy ass. Like nigga damn, let me come join and fuck the shit out You, while You fuck the girl. HAHAHA. Anyway, this was your attempt to get me to understand sex, the traditional nature of it, and who I’m supposed to fuck. Then the next step was to attempt to bond with me by talking about Your fucking stories. How You slept with different women, and when You didn’t want to fuck them, You laid in bed with them, with Your dick between Your legs. Interesting anecdotes from Your life. Needless to say, You didn’t try understanding me, and You didn’t ask any questions to try and figure me out. Just used the normal male bonding shit, that failed miserably. As a man, and a Father You let the mother of Your fifth child find out about Your sixth child through the streets. How the fuck do You justify that? Then You didn’t facilitate the introduction of Your youngest two children, of course the women of the family had to engineer that. Some Father You are, right. What do I do with that? I’m watching my family crumble, and my example isn’t show me a fuckin thing, except for what not to do.

Right before this crumble, You had actually managed to build a nice little family unit. We got to another crowning moment for Your son and You followed through on call. Showing up, beaming like a chess cat. Your son did it again. Being chosen from his peers to be The Master of Ceremonies, fancy words for Host, LMFAO, for his school business program awards ceremony. Being part of the class and the student chosen to host this show was magnanimous. You would never miss this, but when I was selected as Student of the Year for this same class program, You missed. Smaller and more intimate, but more impactful. Recognized at the local/regional level again. Money given, thankful that my mother got her shine that day. But today, oh that’s big-time day, You need Your shine. Your son is the one controlling the mike. You showed Your ass like only You can. And me, well I showed out like only I can. That day, a perfect match for You. Danger awaited though, and You failed to be a Father to me. Now we’ve managed to get past the fuck shit You did, and the family unit is coming back together. No thanks to You but You didn’t torpedo it, so credit given to You there. You actually became a functional Father for the first time towards the end of my high school career. You saw me accomplish things small and large. You allowed Yourself to be present for a while. I could see why people found it so easy to gravitate towards You. When You were put together, You had an attractive package to offer. You knew popular culture to an extent, You tried to maintain Your relevance. You made the room slightly more comfortable with Your quick wit and intellect. The family units began to blend better together. Both sides of my family connected and connecting. But again, warning ahead, lightening yet to strike, and it would eventually yield the death blow.

Understand that when I graduated high school, I gained an appreciation for You that I didn’t have before. Because some things had happened to You along the way, and You preserved. You finally learned to step up to the plate and lead Your family. But, You had no idea what was really lurking under the surface. Your prized son is gay. He has always liked boys. Been touching, playing, feeling, fucking on them since he was a child. Numerous childhood friends know about the interactions because they were the first ones, of course. There was a particular interaction in middle school that I’ve never forgotten. That’s fuckin crazy right?? Middle school nigga. Do You know how far back that is for any of yall? Whew??!! But I remember like it happened yesterday. Standing in the classroom of my first period teacher. All the crew came in our class every morning because class starts. She’s the fun, relatable teacher and this is the fun period, the first of them. But, my longtime friend came in the class, unknowingly to me, was right behind me. The lights in the classroom were turned out, and he whispered in my ear, “Stand still let me do this, don’t tell nobody about this.” I’ve never forgotten those words, or the person who said them to me. When he did, I knew at that moment, I’ve always been watched. And by the most unexpecting people.

How would You handle all of this, when it comes out? Like a fucking BITCH. The proudest I ever saw You was my Senior Prom and after I wrecked my car. Senior Prom because I took a childhood friend, who was all grown up, like me, to Prom. Oh, we were a beautiful match. Baby girl was so beautiful. Naturally beautiful and the most radiant, comfortable smile. It was definitely saucy with me and her. You ate that shit up. Helping me get ready, giving me Your SUV for the night. Nigga You never did any of this shit to this level before. Everyone who saw us together saw the potential. None of yall understood we played for the same team. She really likes women and I really like men. Loving each other nonetheless. Having a few dates but realizing the truth and loving our friendship that much more, however strained it may be. The other was after I wrecked my car, because the reason was acceptable for You. I had a girl friend who was younger than me, and I was keeping her under wraps from just yall for months. LOL. She was fine too. Tall, dark, slim, ran track. She definitely was a baddie, real shit. LOL. When You found that out, ohhhh, yo Bitch made ass was thrilled. She came to my going away cookout and the WHOLE family ate that shit up. Both sides loving the fact that a leading lady was in the life of the family Golden child. First to go to a major institution outside of Va. And then continuing the legacy of my older cousin, who graduated from an HBCU. I upped the bar though, Morehouse College. But the bottom came hard, and You disappeared faster than the bottom fell. The girl from high school didn’t make it, the baby scare didn’t materialize, but I found a college sweetheart. I had two options I could take. One would be going the traditional way. Every Morehouse man hopes to find himself a Spelman woman. That’s the old saying around campus. And I had one on my hip out the gate, but I had a CAU chick too. And she was pretty dope, so I chose her. When You found out that I dated in college already and it was her. Your pride showed then too. She had resemblances to my mother. A former high school cheerleader, pretty, caramel girl. That’s the last time You were a Father to me. That was the last time You truly accepted me for me.

During my first summer vacation after starting college, I got tired of hiding and lying. I wanted to live in the authentic truth of myself. I began to explore that while I was in Atlanta, at Morehouse. Talking to beautiful, Black, gay men. Never engaging, always scared of being caught or outed, at the time. But loving the conversations and the intensity of potentially being caught. Now, I’m home on vacation and the itch is still there. I need to scratch it and why not do it here. Safer, and I probably will know some of them. Turns out, I did know a few, LOL. My coming out was the end of us. The family unit ravaged, the Father humiliated and destroyed. My mother torn between her duty to be a wife, by the side of her husband, and her natural, nature instincts as a mother, sworn to protect her child at all costs. In the beginning, siding with You, to Your delight, but ultimately growing, and understanding that her son was nobody’s mistake, accident, embarrassment or outcast. You, however, fell in line with the dumb bitches on Your side of the family, and behaved like the insulant adult that You always were. While everyone else around You evolved, accepting their nephew, brother, son, cousin, uncle as being an openly gay man. You sat there and showed the nastiest part of Your ass possible. Never realizing, Bitch, You have two gay sons! You always have! I been knew Your other son was queer. We talked about it so many times during my late teenage years. Yup, I’m gay and You lost Your shit. My Father, closed himself off in his room anytime my boyfriend came over. You didn’t eat dinner with the family, and my mother was left to look stupid as fuck because she has to explain Your grown ass Bitch man behavior. You didn’t care that You were a Father and Your son needed Your support. This was You. How embarrassed You felt because You have a son who likes to suck dick, get his dick sucked, fuck butt and get his butt fucked, by men.

For years You acted as the petulant child that I was supposed to be. My mother continually forcing You and Your “I am Religious” family to accept her son as he is. Not understanding that, a few of them at the table rock the rainbow, just like me… LOL. OOpps!! Consistency didn’t matter to You. Same man for three years and You didn’t care. It wasn’t a woman. NO titties, no pussy, no grand kids with Your name. The name whose name I was given, three years after my birth, didn’t want to be associated with me. Forced to interact with me or do things for me, because my mother or my grams got in yo ass. Sad and pathetic. Every time momma came to see me, You would take vacation and stay up there. Being the Bitch ass man that You are. What kind of Father doesn’t go support his hardworking, successful son? You have never, ever seen any place I’ve ever called home. And yet You live freely, comfortably, ably, every day of Your life. Never once trying to understand who I am. Where I originate from. You didn’t/don’t care. You told my momma that she shouldn’t be focused on her son. That I shouldn’t be in her house. That You are supposed to be her only focus. When she told me this, I immediately drew sadness and sorrow before I drew anger and rage. Sadness and sorrow, because for a man who had recovered from having a massive heart attack, and having heart surgery, You sure were very selfish and dissociative from the life You helped create.

Years passed and never did You make or take a step to heal or rebuild. Despite the numerous times I reached my hand out to You, it was always returned empty. Despite me knowing that You were cheating on my momma when we first got the computer and internet. You would get on the computer in my room and join chat rooms. Lying that You were 35 or 40, and that You were single. Trying to hide it from me and her. Not knowing, that, again, I’m always watching You. You were my first role model. Disappointing as You were and are, those are undeniable facts. You killed that so many times. Which brings us to the moment that doomed You for life. When all the final steps were taken to remove You from Us. Take the lineage back from You. What should have been Your proudest and most exemplary moment, turned into the most tragic and damning.

The memorial service for Your first born. First act of betrayal, You entered the church and saw the two of us, and You ignored us as though we didn’t exist. Sitting two rows up. She gave You a pass because this was the memorial service for Your son. Emotions can be quite high at this point. But the final move was the death knell. Exiting the church, You stand there greeting the guests who attending. Smiling, and shaking hands, hugging and comforting. You too, wiping the occasional tear from the cracks of Your eyes. You see her, and You straighten up immediately. Smiling and acknowledging her first, as she is in front of me. Speaking to a guest to the right of me first, giving enough time, in his mind, for my momma to walk past, he looks directly into my face, connecting my eyes and doesn’t utter a word. Doesn’t acknowledge my presence, except for the smallest tip of his hat, before moving on to the next guest. My momma had stopped to wait for me and saw the whole thing with her own eyes. When we got to the car, she asked me did You speak to me? Of course, I told her the truth that You didn’t and that was the domino that sealed Your fate. That sparked the changes in history that are forever etched. Losing Your right to claim that You have a piece of history. I entered under You, I exited separate from, detached from You, not my Father’s name sake, but My own.

What makes the situation worse, is that when my brother passed, You lied to my sister about having my phone number so I could be informed. She went out on faith, hoping that I had the same number she last had, which I do. LOL. We talked and she told me the truth. WOW, nearly 20 years later and You still have the same vitriol in Your heart that You would attempt to deny me knowing that blood family died. Yeah, some Father You are. That’s how I got to be here today. I really don’t have any male role models that helped grow me, shape me, mold me, develop me. My first ever boyfriend. That man did so much for me. He was the one that I drew so much from in my teenage/early 20’s years. From all the years of all those examples, watching tv, talking to friends, peers, classmates, teachers, and professors, I learned and developed myself into the Father that my kids have seen. I have a love for them that I can’t explain. They are beautiful people that I have had to learn how to be the present Father they need at each part of their journey. Being able to relate to Your sons is invaluable. What a Father gives to his son is something that can’t be quantified.

You have to be disciplined enough to not do when Your child wants You to do. They feel that they need You to do. There are times when You learn that always doing never allows them to grow to become doers. Loving enough to know when to back off. When to comfort and secure. Go reaffirm and substantiate them. So often we miss that mark. Always willing to be critical of someone, but not quick enough to give praise, reassurance, and comfort. Affirm Your children, they need to know that there’s support for them. Admitting to Your mistakes and wrongs. It’s okay to say I was wrong. It’s okay to admit that You have emotions You can become emotionally unstable. Admitting that You enjoy sex and have strong sexual drives. Being willing to share Your life and the story of Your life with Your son. They need that relatability. They need to feel comfortable to be themselves and talk honestly. Always thinking about how they’re feeling and coping with life and the obstacles that it throws. Never letting them get too far away from You. Always willing to give them space to grow and evolve. Allow them to develop so they can appreciate the lessons taught through silence and absence. Understand that a present Father can also step back, not to be uninvolved, but to disengage to allow You to learn and understand and experience Yourself. Actively present Fathers try to be Superman all the time, until they realize that they will need to be Jefferson Pierce, Black Lightning reference.

It doesn’t mean we don’t make mistakes or realize that we could’ve done things different or better. It’s that we accept that we fucked up. Not because I wanted to, but because either I didn’t know, or I thought I knew, and there was another, possibly better, way to address things. Love is about compassion for those moments as well. I’ve made sure to teach my sons that lesson. It’s hard to do but it must be done. Confidence and knowing how and when to find it. Understanding the next phases of life. Understanding money management, social engagement, financial discipline and literacy. The importance of having a strong reputation and legit face card. Always willing to stare down the truth good, bad, and fucking ugly. Live unapologetically and genuinely. Accept only which You desire to, and don’t let down keep You down. Be resilient.

If You know me, like for real know me, then You know who I am. You know the way I live my life and how I choose to live it. Thank You to every Man out there who has Fathered a child. You were responsible for the creation of so many brilliant and beautiful people. To ALL the Fathers who are and continue to be present in their kids’ lives, THANK YOU. To ALL the Fathers who made mistakes that took You away from Your kids, but You’ve made amends, and You are there, THANK YOU. Every Father who sacrifices his life for the freedoms given in this country, THANK YOU. I hope today someone remind You of just how special and loved You are! Again, HAPPY FATHERS DAY

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Heart Chronicles – Growth Shines

True shit… I have always struggled with the urges to be the savior. So many times, I came across people who were good at heart. Genuine, as much as one can be, when you’re struggling to live day to day. It’s relatively easy to catch someone when they’re down and build them up. Some would call them projects… LMMFAO! Until they paused long enough to realize they too, were now a project. They present themselves in many different forms. The social media lover, lol, always publicly in a relationship, which privately kills it before a foundation can be built. But, the chemistry is automatic. The sex is always explosive and intimate. Soo close to making the bond much stickier, every time pulling back for some unknown reason. Like our souls are saying now is not the time. Wanting to protect each other’s heart, as opposed to submitting the humid lust that permeates the air. And then it starts to happen… you catch him at the best/worst time. Ending the last public fuckuationship. Yup, I said it. Done for the ultimate benefit of their pockets, but he is truly a hopeless romantic at heart. Just be the right type and he’s going to do whatever you say. When you’re the right look, but the wrong type… you must catch him at the perfect moment. But you got to see why he’s so loved by those closest to him. His heart is pure. He will follow you because he will love you, but he’s terrified to give up the fast life. It’s what he knows best.

The sneaky link, that becomes a crush, that becomes a friend, that becomes…? Questions of how do you present to him? What do you really want from/with him? Are you sure you can handle the pressure that will come? But see, here is his problem… just like the one before, but on a much more lowkey level, he’s a popular man in the streets. HAAAA!!! But the two of you share an unspoken bond, a link that formed more tightly than you anticipated. Never expecting this, but certainly open to entertaining him. Can you afford the lifestyle? Better yet, can you pull him up enough and until he can get himself situated? If you can, you might just have found someone special… but it’s not that easy. You must balance chasing with being chased. The fearless king that wants it all, but really doesn’t have the foundation. Flying higher than he can smoothly fly. Desiring to experience the turbulence to gain the needed life experience. He presents the characteristics that you love in a man. He’s ambitious and determined. He wants to show his versatility thou. He wants to have love… not the kind that plays and toys, but the kind that sticks and builds something. Problem is, like I said, he’s not fully armed with the needed tools to succeed on your level, right now. With time and guidance, he can, and will be a dominating presence for years to come. Right now, he’s not right for you.

The new guy that arrives with his shit together. Career minded and focused but loves a good time. Desires your company. Enjoys your vibe and aura. Sees your potential just as you see his. This time there’s no need to pull anyone up. Both of you are career minded. You are farther, but he’s not that far behind you. Allow yourself to indulge in him. It’s allowable for you to feel the full pleasure of your hard efforts. The only problem here is that you live on opposite ends of the city. Wheeeewwwwww.. traffic much. LOL. Before, you wouldn’t really allow yourself to test these waters because he was too far. But he’s been to you multiple times now… Return the favor and enjoy yourself. Don’t wait too long though, he’s willing to be a little patient, but if you hesitate, he’s gone. What do you do? Cuz there’s also the typical type you have that someone else fits. LOL. He’s bright, college almost graduate, employed, and aspiring professional. Right down your happy ground. He’s comfortable in his skin, and it’s unique, much like you. He keeps himself busy and that’s the problem, right now. You desire more and he wants to provide that for you. However, he has college son at home problems. You must relax and allow this to breathe. Your ability to feel the moment and have patience has been clutch for you. Do you maintain this patience? Push a little and make the dynamic try to fit your perspective? The flow has always been best.

The nerd, butch queen is still ever present too. Learning how to respect boundaries at all times is a challenge. You’ve been doing what you don’t too with him because once you decided to explore him, you had to grow him to adapt to you. It’s challenging, but truth is it’s been worth it. Because he comes with himself put together in almost all aspects of life. He would definitely aide in your update and upgrade. Religiously wanting to keep you current, even though he knows your appetite for life will demand that you remain current and inquisitive. The energy always surprises. Learning the softer, mellower, yet direct, cutthroat you has been jarring. You chose to have patience, but you demand respect. You’re going to find out very soon, if you should stay or exit stage left. Mr. Smooth School boy is back again and not going away quietly. His problem is that he’s very green still. He needs to find himself more and fully understand his body. Can you sit around and commit to that? You understand his love and affinity for you. It’s beautiful and you appreciate it with all of your soul. The ability to allow two different belief sets spiritually connect and coexist is divine. That goes to provide that both are right. Two different, yet similar belief sets can be true, peacefully. Always appreciative for you. Enjoying your time and presence, not understanding that simply showing up isn’t enough. You want more, but you’re not putting more effort. Growth must happen, and you can’t make it happen. You must allow him to evolve on his own. The guidance thing again… LOL. What are you going to do there?

And then there are the three aces. Always have been put together and ready. Away from you though, and that’s the catch with each of them. Different people, different energies, different experiences, but all of them so dynamic that the second confirmation is given, EVERYONE else is DONE. I’m never sure when the day is going to come that one of them really pushes their cards in the table and take the leap to live life with me. All of them show me, in their own ways, how they receive my energy and understand the purpose. Not to just keep pouring into them, only to be used on them other niggas. That soon, very soon, the time will come for us to take our place beside each other. Ready, willing, desired, and able to take this life journey and live it.

All of these situations diametrically different from each other. None of them alike. All with distinct personalities. Fitting some part of my complex inner being. I find comfort in each of these men that cannot be explained. Allowing each one to disqualify themselves from the ultimate perch, while allowing all of them plead their cases. I watch and observe it all. It will never be enough to just physically fit my needs. To be with/around me, you must be able to touch other facets of me. I’m proud of myself. I haven’t chosen anyone. I’m eliminating and evaluating, some have already fallen off, others are regaining footing and momentum. Preparing to understand the terms at play. Dropping hints of their pending character development. Stick around and I’ll see what you share. Desiring now me to share, because that’s what his current need is. Is the allure of balance in the future the reason for his continued journey in my life? IDK, because even when everything stopped, there the both of you were. Continuously in communication with each other. Explanations provided when the time lapse was too long. Never overextending; now showing signs of wanting to extend from sparce to sometimes, expressing a desire for more. Proclaiming his presence when the crowd is gathered. How fuckin grown is that bro. Like, the nigga openly made it known that he wants to be around you during that time. No strings, no questions. Now, openly proclaiming his desire for more of you. Is it real or just like everyone else that’s not quite put together, is this a means to an end? Parlaying that affection for him, into favors for him. Not coming to you anymore, meeting him now. Monitor the situation, though it was acknowledged that wheels are down, so that’s played an even larger role. But, here yo ass stand.

In the past, I would’ve forced myself to choose one. Letting most of them go, holding on to the one or two I have the closest bond too. Losing out on possibly better because I want to play hero, and don’t wanna be patient to allow people to sort themselves out. Not anymore. Feeling the vibe, understanding the moment, setting the tone and mood. That’s how you stay dynamic. Always able to command attention if/when wanted or needed. Today you had the floor and you dictated terms to all. Remember who you are. Not who you were. Yes, they know who you were, and what you did. They also see you for who you are now. Giving you the shine and respect you’ve earned. Stand the fuck up, stick yo got damn chest out, and take a fuckin bow. Now, get on your shit. We’re just warming up. There’s a lot to do and be done. Time to go. That’s going to sift through them very quickly. New home, new start, new life.

Growth is a mother fucka. You have to do to be better. It’s never going to be easy, but it will always be necessary. The more quickly you accept that growth is painful sometimes, you will have the grace to endure it.

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Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts 2

You ever had one of those moments where You’ve just come inside from working out, Your mind is flowing, Your muscles are stimulated, Your senses are heightened, and You just have an emotional and spiritual breakthrough??? Well, both hands raised high as fuck in the air. Today was a good Friday. Work was smooth and accomplished. After was well… after. LOL. Dumb shit from dumb asses. Then to the workout. Music thumping in my ears, zoned out enjoying the cool but humid air. Seeing the people go about their work to better themselves. The pure energy used and absorbed while lifting weights, strengthening my calves and cheeks, gaining lung and heart strength exercising. Melding physical excursion with mental peace. Brining the music home though and changing the vibe… Well, that’s when things turned, and I had to let my heart be open and my words become action.

Finding yourself also involves healing those wounds that were damaged along the way. When we lost our pillar and standard bearer, it fucked up the whole dynamic and won’t nobody really prepared for it. I love the responses of people who have a specific purpose. I am someone who has struggled in this world with myself, for various reasons. But when I accept my truth of life, I am as dynamic as I choose to be. I work on myself, and seeing the hurt still left in my family from her loss, and I just pray we can find and figure the way to unite together. Seeing and understanding Your pain and hurt, sadness and anguish, destruction and anger is so fucking difficult. You can and will rage at the world. Doing some unimaginable things because I wanted to and I was vengeful. I had so much heat to spew and never knew how or which way to let it out. The desire to be solo dolo, independent of, needing none but You. We do acquire this perception that for us to be as successful as we are, it must be done Alone. On Your Own without needing to depend on a sole. Forgetting that to live in this world, You must rely and depend on other EVERY FUCKIN DAY!!! How else do You think that You survive? When You drive Your car, or take Marta, or Uber/Lyft, You rely on others to make sure You arrive to Your destination on time. Understand that simple concept for just One fuckin second.

When You allow Yourself to find the peace and love of who You are, it becomes infectious, and You spread it wherever You can. Never trying to overpower or overstep, just offer the same feelings and energy that have permeated You since You allowed the past to end. Because You are who You are, everyone saw Your fall. It was humbling and humiliating. You were destroyed from the core of the inside of You. You went through the toughest times, and You saw that the village You have is strong, supportive, and resilient when it comes to You. Now, You feel that sense of purpose to return the favor. Understanding that healing is a powerful drug. It has the ability to restore what was lost. So, to go through life ACTUALLY thinking that You alone, have just moved life is stupid and ignorant. You never ordered food out? You never drove on a road with other people? You never went to school or work? You never dated? Had sex? The most arrogant and narcissistic thing You can do is assume that You never needed help in life. The understanding though, is that we’re self-sufficient and aren’t in need of assistance to function in life. However, there is a segment of the population that really thinks they do it ALL themselves with NO help.

Realizing just how devastated everyone is, has been hard. Primarily because I love these women and while some have moved forward, found happiness and shit, others have struggled mightily and continue flounder. Temporary happiness aside. Our family is so fractured. This set not talking to this set. Them over there staying away from those over here unless it’s a big fuckin deal. Two people over here talk to 2 or 3 people over there, so there’s some crossover, but not fuckin much. Group and family functions doing exist. Coming together for one event, doesn’t make shit solved. Especially, when the factions was on display the whole time. Only the guys could maneuver through the crowd. I know all families have bullshit and are splintered and shit, but we don’t have be just like them, do we? I don’t know how this will end. I’m prayerful that with my shove, these beautifully dynamic people can find full healing. We need it.

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Heart Chronicles – Actions greater than Words

Yo, I promise this is probably the biggest and most annoying thing that ALL niggas seem to do. When you talking, them motha fuckas will wax poetically about who they how. How they’re going to be different because they fill in all the fuckin blanks. When the truth is, soon as the real-life environment puts them words to the test, niggas come up shitty and shifty. Failing on all accounts, except to offer “words of support or encouragement”. Yes, those are cool, at times. But what happened to the actions backing up those words? Now days, dudes really think that them saying sweet shit, and holding a conversation is supposed to suffice for anything of substantial value, when the corresponding actions are lacking or missing as a whole. How the fuck do you call yourself a good real? A real one? And when it’s time to actually show what you say, you NEVER do. Ohhh, and then you either get frustrated, angry, bitter, or silent when the facts are put in your face?

To know me is to understand that I truly don’t ask people for shit. I’m very comfortable being built that way too. Not that I can’t or won’t ask if I don’t know or understand. But when situations happen, I’m going to do all that’s necessary to resolve it. So, when I actually reach out and provide details on shit, and you sit there looking stupid, giving all these typical ass nigga sentences about what you would and could do, I laugh. The opportunities have presented themselves on numerous occasions and they’re never seized upon. Instead, preferring to spend endless hours talking and musing about shit. Most of the time you’re not really focused on the conversation. Instead, you make general comments, or leave so much dry air and space, that one could question if you really care to be in the conversation. Never appreciating being called “You People”, because you swear to being different, only to be undressed and dismissed when the truth is put in your face.

Now, another way to handle it, is to be completely dumbfounded and ignorant to your own actions until presented with them. You know for grown ass men, I’ve never so many that obfuscate the responsibility of being a man. Just because You want to consider yourself the Queen or a baddie, don’t mean that You are. And even if You are, it doesn’t mean that Your actions don’t match Your words. That’s just fake and trifling. Nothing sucks more than having the look and the talk, but not the game. To say You like to cater to yours, but You are incapable of doing it for a few days, at your request, is fucking nuts to me. How is it again, that you’re able to think that you’re the prize, but there isn’t a lot substantively about You, that supports that position. Chasing and being chased is a two-way street in my book. When you want someone, you let them know, and if they want you back, they respond affirming you. If you have to chase a little, so be it; if you have to be chased, so be it. Nothing beats a lazy, lame, liar, pretending to be official and legit. Those people are funny thou. After you break them down, they look dejected and stupid in the face. Often times feeling combative with you and their friends, because they got embarrassed by you, and their friends agree that they were dumb as fuck. LMFAO!

The beautiful thing about how I live, is any words I tell you, best believe I back them all up. If you were in any distress and needed something, I’m there. If you’re down and out, I’m there. You lose family or someone you really cared for, I’m there. No questions asked, no sketchy behavior, no empty dry ass words. When situations happen where my words can be put into action, they are, and you know. I think what pisses people off most, is that I don’t get mad and nasty and angry when you don’t follow through. Nope, I’m like a prosecutor. I calmly speak my peace, giving you the receipts of what You told me about You and how You handle things, versus what ACTUALLY happened when it the shit got real. Life gone always life, real shit! The ability to maneuver thru it with your word meaning something, because your actions are dynamic is priceless. The reason I stop allowing myself to be open to you, the reason I no longer express excitement about You and our interactions is because at every opportunity, you leave the bag half empty. I have to provide ALL the ingredients to ensure success.

It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you have with someone. Friends, lovers, friends with benefits, family, sneaky link (LMAO), it all should come with some baseline respects. One of which being, when You say something, You do what You said. Yes, there will be times where life will conflict and You can’t be available, that’s understandable and expected. Yet, when You can and You just choose not to, that’s where the doubt begins. When someone notices that they’re always showing up for You, always gettin things going and You just follow along, that’s usually when problems start. While there are some people who don’t mind, and actually prefer to do EVERYTHING, most people don’t want to feel like they’re in something by themselves. A friendship with no reciprocation isn’t a real friendship. family dynamics where the relationship is always one-sided isn’t healthy. Intimate relationships where one person does all the hard work and the other just talks about it, isn’t building a lasting foundation. I don’t know if it’s the microwave culture or the let me be the fake influencer culture, but somewhere the important actions became less relevant, replaced by let’s do it for the camera. Wanting to be seen as real but not really acting like it.

No matter how you present yourself, masculine, feminine, both, whatever… You must be authentic in your presentation and delivery. You should always want to be viewed as someone to respect. Not liked! Unless that’s just your thing. I don’t aim to be the most liked person. In fact, there’s a lot of people who don’t like me for whatever their reasons, but if they really know me, they respect me. I might not say what you want or respond favorably to some fucked up shit you did, but I’m going to be open and honest with you about it. It may not make you feel good about it, and you might be disappointed with me because I didn’t agree with you. But if you’re a real individual, you will respect the fact I have my own independent mind, that can listen to a situation, ask questions to gather necessary details, and deliver my honest opinion. You know that when I say, I will be there for You no matter what, I’m fuckin there. The best people I’ve ever met are still around in my life. Not because we always agreed on shit. Not because they think like I think. Because they’re consistently honest about them. Richness of life that many may not have. If you do, then you’re fortunate.

To consider yourself a friend and a big brother, but when real life hits, you show me your ass is massively disappointing and sad. Thankfully, I didn’t lie to you and reject the tenants of the friendship, I provided grace and humility. Giving space for calm to prevail and re-engaging in a lesser, but still quality, friendship with you. There is an adult way to handle all things with other people. Understand when someone has the ability to be a blessing in your life and find the way to allow them to remain so the blessings can be delivered to you. No, the friendship will never grow back into what it was. I don’t believe you can move the way you did and then keep the foundation as sturdy and in-depth as it was. There needed to be a lightening of the mix. And there, the sweet spot has been found. Life lessons niggas. Sometimes, you don’t throw a person away because they let you down. Sometimes, you have to give space, and think about whether or not they are valuable to your life. If so, how do keep them in your life.

What a beautifully, peaceful day!

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts

When I first started this journey again, to heal my soul, and to discover who I am again, I knew it would be a mighty fucking move. Requiring me to overcome years of trauma. Revealing the most damaged, twisted, painful, lustful, sinful, savage parts of who I am. In the course of one link, I blew his back out and then argued vehemently with him after. I’ve found myself in some situations and positions that never would’ve been dreamed of. The places I’ve allowed myself to be… to do some of the things that I allowed myself to do… Damn, I really had reached a new low that I never seen before.

To know the origins of this recovery, you must know the depths of the destruction. From being on top, thriving, succeeding, growing, evolving, flourishing, productive, accomplished. These were the plaudits being given to You, described You. No matter which end of the spectrum You were viewed from, everyone knew one thing, You were going places nigga. Determined to set the world on fire because You had arrived, and everybody was gone take notice. You showed your deft touch of life by smoothing navigating soo many worlds. You always lived in the Gay one, but you had a professional one, and a separate private one that needed attention, and if you fucked up how You operated the Gay one, well, You was fucking up Your life.

We had a couple instances of those. Relationships where they started with so much passion, fire, and success. Loving and lusting all at the same time, for each other, or so I thought. Before I continue that story, let me take you all the way back to the beginning. To where I was born, and I knew who I was underneath the cloak of “straight-male life”. I was 16 years old, and I met, who I thought was a girl, this dope ass person in a teen chat. Once I saw a picture of her, turned out to be him… WTF?!?!?!?!?! Then he begged me to stop firing off and let him explain. I don’t know why I listened to him, but his soft, soothing voice permitted me to ease the fire boiling in my spirit. Ready to allow this man to possibly expose a truth that’s been waiting to escape for as long as I can remember. He explained himself to me, told me who he was and where he lived. I learned we had a mutual friendship with someone well known in our community. I was scared as fuck then, because nigga WHAT??? This man is the living proof that I’ve been gay, and understanding of it, since I was a teenager. He was the perfect person for me. I gushed like a lil bitch every time we talked. He just knew what to say to me. How to touch my soul with the softness, fondness, and affection of his words. Even when we would argue, because he didn’t answer the phone when I called. Knowing that at our ages, calling each other was kinda crazy… well for me only I later found out. His family knew he was gay, and they loved him even more for it. His brother told me how much he liked me, but because I wasn’t out and couldn’t come out, at that time, I was going to lose him. He said I just needed to come see his brother and everything would be fine. Because his brother loves me and if I’m not scared then I should show up because that means I love him, and we would work through anything together. He even offered me to stay at their house, if my family put me out the house.

I was immediately struck by this terrorizing fear. I froze like a nigga staring down the barrel. Understanding his fate is about to be determined by this next move. Could he, or couldn’t he? Do you want to be happy… or do you want to be accepted? He told me he would tell his brother I called, and he would have him call me back. I was so thankful nigga. LOL. I wanted him to know just how much I truly liked him. Like over the time we spent talking, it was the most effortless conversations I’ve had in life. We waxed poetically like lil kids. Laughing and giggling, serious and honest, thoughtful and affectionate, raunchy and vulnerable. I never thought I could experience what pure, real love is at such a young age. The true definition of high school sweethearts. Just, we don’t fit into the “common America” narrative. So, to have this much love, we gotta hide this shit for now. Until we’re old enough to do this on our own, by ourselves. I remember his brother telling me that if I moved there, I would have to get a job, because no one lived free. But, I would be safe and protected there. Won’t nobody gone fuck wit me. They were a family, and the reason he was so protective over his little brother is because he’s super sensitive. He loves hard as fuck, which means once he’s with and for you, you got a rider til the wheels break off that bitch.

All the things I needed to hear, he told me. I was prepared to step out there, give up everything if needed, because I loved this guy. I just didn’t trust the roots. I was so fuckin scared. I’m just a fuckin teenager, what do I know? How am I sure this is even real? For all I know, this could be a scam. Somebody playing and catfishing, you know. I do all this shit only to be played and look like a Fuckin fool! Ok, let me back up, because there’s details, I’m leaving out that evens the scales. Right now, I look super fuckin weak, and that shit ain’t right. Truth is, during our late night talks he would always ask me to come see him at work. He worked at Taco Bell across town. For me, that was like a 20 min drive, not bad at all. Problem was he worked late night, and I couldn’t leave that late. My momma was the coolest moms, real shit, but she knew what was outside late at night and as the mother of a young, dark-skinned, nigga with man features in my hometown, nigga that was a recipe for one of two things… jail or dead. Well, the third was in fuckin, and she was worried about that, but not with who she thought. LMFAO!! See she was worried about becoming a young grandma, she didn’t know, who I prefer to play wit ain’t no kids coming biologically, we would need a third. HA!!!!! But I digress. LMAO. So, she won’t having it when I asked to slide out late one night to see him at work. I started asking a few times and she began to ask questions. I changed tactics, and instead of waiting late, I would go outside and ask if I could stay out til 12 or 1. Long enough to let him get to work, then go see him.

She blocked that when I wouldn’t tell her exactly where I would be going. And the one time I did, her eyes lit up and it was like I spoke the forbidden language or some shit. LMFAO. She said no, and that was that for me. I wasn’t gone sneak out because I just didn’t wanna be that kid. I love my momma too much and I didn’t want to be a teenage statistic in Va. He didn’t give up on me, but he started to move away from me. I remember the day we broke up. He told me that he just didn’t want to wait anymore. His brother told him everything we talked about that night on the phone. And he asked me “why didn’t I do it yet?” I told him that I really want to so bad, but I just scared as fuck. I could feel the hurt in his voice and the pain in his eyes, he sighed so heavy and brokenly said “I understand.” With that it was over. He broke up with me, told me that he found another guy that was open like him, and they lived close to each other, and he was going to move on. He never closed the door on me though. He told me where he would be if I ever wanted to be happy. I never went, and I never got my high school sweetheart. It broke my soul and my spirit so badly. He was exactly what I wanted in a lover. Sweet, charming, passionate, funny, smart, thoughtful, vulnerable, open. He showed me what heart looks like in a man. I never understand his magical pull over me. How could this person just speak to me like I’m the only person in the world who matters. We laugh about our days. Him in his ratchet school, being the fem kid that just dripped his own sauce.

I would tell him about the boring shit that happened during my school day. He would laugh and always tell me it wasn’t boring. He wished he was there with me. Because we would have the school talking. LOL. Lowkey, I wish he was able to go to school with me to. I know coming out with him would’ve been so liberating. Living my happy truth, with the love of my life. My desire to keep him a secret is what kept us apart. I know had I told my momma I wanted to see my friend. Tell her his name and what school he goes too and where he stays, she would’ve reluctantly said yes. Her reluctance not because he’s a male, she actually would’ve been happy about that. It’s that he lives in a questionable area. She knows what can happen over there and she would be worried about my safety. But, not wanting to shield me from life, she would say yes. I would have to let her know when I got there though. And when I’m on my way home. Knowing how the energy was between me and him, I would probably fall asleep every night and get in trouble every time. But that would start my momma’s clock in her head about just who this boy was. Mothers aren’t stupid and mines sure wasn’t. She was attentive to her son. Me consistently saying I wanna go to the same place, that’s going to draw flags and I wasn’t ready for that. The judgement and questions of it all. I couldn’t face that at 16. I wasn’t ready. I needed to protect this image because I needed to feel loved and accepted. Despite, feeling the real love an acceptance from him.

When we talked about music it wasn’t just rap and shit. It was pop music and female R&B. Never judged, always supported, cheered and encouraged. Express myself as fully as I feel I need to. Allow myself to explore my feelings and my spirit. He was everything to me. But I couldn’t out my head, and I lost him. Once we lost contact that was it. I forgot him, so I could move on and not feel the pain of no longer having him. I would keep tabs on him here and there. Always looking him up to make sure he was good. I remember looking him up when we graduated high school. I saw his name and his honors. I was so proud of that man. Living life his way and accomplishing shit people said he wouldn’t. That was the origin of me. That’s where this journey began. And the most recent travels and movements forced me to find my way back to where I began. This began the birth/rebirth of me.

The second stop on this train was a 17-year love affair. Yea, I said that exactly right! A true fuckin Grease love affair. Met the most innocent of ways and began what was 17 years of chasing, loving, lying, evading, persuading, contemplating, faking and regretting. See the first one was full of young love and ambition. Pureness. This one had everything in it. Fake identities, fake deaths, lying, deceiving, honesty, humility, lust, love, passion, betrayal, humiliation, embarrassment. The extreme toxicity that permeated between us was damn near killer. We had this insatiable desire for the love of each other, but we never knew how to harness it and present it one another without burning the bridge almost to no repair to get there. It was a tiresome game of chicken. Who would blink first and last? I was in love with this man. He showed me that pure love, even though it was introduced to me under false terms. This nigga was just a young bull, full of life and ready to show people just how grown and ready for the world he was, especially the gay one. I’ll admit, he definitely had game. He was a chocolate pretty boy. Smooth baby face, sweet eyes, soft lips and this general innocence that was the magnet to get you caught. Once in the web you see it was mostly smoke with a few broken mirrors.

Each attempt an effort to show he mastered prior challenges that stopped his progression. Forgetting the first rule of return, you must come back to me present, not currently caught up from the past. Present means you’ve done all the work of the past and now of the present and You are presenting You to me now, ready to be all that I want and need in the now. He would always fall short of now, because he was so busy worried about what he didn’t right before, to do right now. We continued this circular dance for a long number of years. Catching each other at the wrong time for one of us. Never willing to be patient long enough for both of us to slide back into our rhythm. Knowing that we don’t need long. Never have, because our souls connect like the links of a fence or the links in a chain. Welded so beautifully as to perfectly catch the weight to evenly distribute it across your neck to gloriously display itself for the world to see on your beautiful body. Again, an effortless ease that everything happened. No matter in person or on the phone, we always fit like gloves. But his lustful playboy life, and my open grown man life never came into alignment. He was always busy trying to have 3 options in case the first option doesn’t work. And I was busy being free. Exploring the world and the brown men in it. We never gave warning to each other. We just found one another and encroached into our personal spaces. Ignoring if anyone was/ is already there. We will make time for each other, until we deliver the safe words that push us away until that person who’s there is gone. Always waiting but not really waiting. Living, while also listening. Once the sounds of freedom were given, there we were finding each other again. But I was tired of that. Tired of the lies and bullshit. All the antics and theatrics. We’ve done them for such a long time and now the curtain must finally drop. As sad and hurt as I was to have to make this move, it was necessary. It was the only way to ensure that this shit ended.

Normally, we would’ve found each other again by now. Reliving why we broke apart. Walking on eggshells, to not damage the fragile foundation we’re attempting to rebuild. Desiring to lust of each other again. Knowing what it could do, understanding it’s only likely a dying mate call. One last time for all the years of bullshit. Doing the thing that we never did enough of, but when we did… exactly as expected. But that’s not how life is playing. That book is finished, the final chapter written, the last period placed. I will always and forever love that man. For 17 years of my life, I could count on him to show up and the world would feel right for a little while. Only to be reminded of just how narcissistic he is. I’m just grateful for the love and heart that we shared. Fuck all the dumb shit, we made beautiful music for a long time, and I’m forever indebted to someone who was willing to ride the roller coaster of life with me.

This one needs more time to air. Part two of the healing story will come shortly. I have to finish explaining about those three times, the Gay life fucked up the Whole Personal life. Damn, talk about healing that had to be done… I’ll be back with that story soon.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, lifestyle, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Fatherhood is Real

In the span of 55 days life showed me just how much of father I really am. Navigating my own personal issues, an exploding professional career, and my sons needing me for dramatically different, yet equally life changing and moving moments. Getting a realization of just how demanding being a present, and active father is. I’m so thankful for it! I’m blessed that I’ve been given the chance to mentor, discipline, critique, develop, mature, mold. When you face things for the first time, there is an expectation that it could fail spectacularly. There’s also the expectation that it could succeed beyond what You could’ve imagined.

Life is never going to truly be predictable. Regardless of how much we follow the same routine, everyday there will be something different that happens that You must alter the plan to address. Sometimes the block is small, a bump you can simply drive over, or walk through. In those times, we remember how we do the familiar thing or things, and we carry on. Confidence never shaken or disturbed. Then there are the blocks that require more work and attention. That level of focus can make you waver for a moment, but you find the solutions quickly and you are unimpeded any further. And then, there are those blocks that require fuckin grit and resolve. Fuck what you thought you knew. This type of energy You’re about to put out, You ain’t seen this shit before. I don’t know if I have the ability to do this. I don’t really know what’s happening internally, death is swirling, depression is heavy like a bitch, hurt is suffocating my lungs, pain is thunderously thumping in my head, anger is spewing out my pours. How am I supposed to navigate all these emotions and the biggest one of them all, shared across all the spirits I touch and discuss with, is fear! All of those previously mentioned emotions are connected to the biggest bitch of them all. Everyone is scared of something. Living life alone, living life miserably, losing life recklessly, unsure of their survival in life.

There isn’t always a thank you at the end of these situations. The blocks come and we’re ushered in to protect, defend, support, correct, resolve the blocks for you. Getting a thank you or I love you and being satisfied knowing You just helped someone through a challenging block in life. Listening to and learning from the people chosen to be the closest to me in life is phenomenal. Supporting your kid when they a parent is a special and beautiful feeling. Through the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, depression, and torment is a lasting bond. Built on the strength of support for, and love of one another. Crying, laughing, talking together. Hours and hours of time spent, reminding You of Your brilliance and relevance. Showing you the evolution of You and introducing You to the next levels of life. Through it all You made me so proud of You. Never quitting, always standing up for yourself. Knowing when to humble Yourself. The biggest compliment a stranger EVER gave me was the one from Your family. I am and will forever be grateful, humbled, and honored that someone viewed Us as a family unit. You allowed me into Your private space and Your personal moment. The biggest compliment I’ve ever received from You came later that day. When You told me that I am a root in Your life. I could never see my life without you kid. For all these years, You have been part of my heart and I’m so thankful and humbled for You. I’m never leaving You.

Through that shit there was some other shit happening that required my attention, and it was as personal as it gets. I had my own shit to deal with and it’s been so fuckin scary at times. I’ve never had a feeling like this before. Scared and unsure. Not understanding what the fuck is happening. Trying not to scare everyone half to death, while also raising the alarm that something not right and I need my circle. Bruh, that motha fucka responded like a boomerang. From afar questions and prayers poured into me. Love and affection for me kept being sent in waves. Allowing me to push forward and keep moving despite the pain and discomfort. How did I go through the worst of this shit, prayerfully, by myself. All the fuck niggas claiming to care this and be here for me that was doing just that… Talking and claiming to be that nigga. Well guess what bitch niggas, the moment is and has been here for You to show that and ALL You’ve shown is how much of a bitch nigga You are. In my neediest of moments, it was the guidance of my village that pushed me over. The constant check-ins and list of things to try to help me through. And it was my son, when I really needed someone who came through with no questions asked. I told him what I needed, and He delivered fully and willingly.

The moment came where I had to blend my two worlds. My blood one and my chosen one, again. It’s been a long time since my momma was introduced to someone from my chosen world. Today would be another day. She thanked him with the gratitude of a concerned mother not there for her son. He reassured her with the love of a son who was always going to be there for his daddy no matter what. As he said to her when she thanked him, “I have no choice, I have to be here.” They shared their collective concern for my well-being. Knowing that I don’t these types of life situations crawl upon me often. Knowing also that my work with my kidd isn’t done. We one more heavy lift that must be addressed. I’ve pushed it off and he’s kept it away for long enough. We must deal with his torment and pain. I have to summon that strength and energy again. To deal with the hurdles of life with him and beside him, to allow him to fully get his life back.

And then there is role of a father when the support needed is stern and unwavering. No matter how he presents himself to You, You must always maintain that consistent level of accountability and compassion. Love on him right where he is. Allow him to understand that love is never far and will always be there for him. Accountability is right at the same distance and must be taken to resume control over life. Love is just as intoxicating a drug and crack, crystal meth, weed, alcohol, and any other substance taken to control our emotions. Holding someone accountable who is barely able to hold themselves accountable is a challenge. A necessary one that must be taken to ensure that He doesn’t fully lose himself to life and his coping drugs of choice. Never forget that we’re one fucked up life event away from being just as compromised. How hard of a responsibility is that. To have them tell You that they can’t go to their blood because they can’t, don’t, and won’t understand. You are that stable beacon of reasoning, rationality, discipline, accountability, love, and protection needed.

Fatherhood is a priceless joy that comes with great responsibility. It’s a thankless job, with little celebration, but the reward is eternal. Even when you have to be critical of a son who let his lust of a man interfere with his rational judgement, and it could potentially destroy his foundation. Understanding that attentiveness and understanding of a situation is ALWAYS required when living with others. Don’t allow the fantastical dreams disrupt the settled reality created. It never ends up being worth it. Most times, you lose out on both friends because they had them before you. Understand that You can’t always help who you connect with, but You can help what house you tear down. Love is not wicked or toxic like that. It will never lead you to damage another home, no matter how fucked up its built or how weak the foundation is. Let one situation end before the next one begins. The funny shit about that is when one son was talking about this brother, he says “when he talks, I swear he sounds just like you!” Laughing the whole time. And then I remind him, You sound just like me too. And we both laugh! What a special feeling and dynamic moment it is to be a father/daddy.