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Friends With Benefits

Simple title, should be simple concept but apparently it’s very complicated and too many people seem to not take the nondirect clues or they want more than what it is. Now, just to give disclosure this doesn’t apply to me, but I’ve been watching some shows and know many people who this situation has happened to and I still don’t understand why people try to place blame on someone when this situation unfolds and one parties feelings gets hurt because a dynamic shifts. I’m going to explain this and try to make sure it’s understood why this type of setup should be very simple and not complicated.

If you’ve ever had a situation like this then you already know what the title of this writing means, if you haven’t well I will tell you. A friend with benefits is someone that you have a friendship with but you guys do extra and other things. Not just like going out together or having dinner, but you have a sexual, intimate component to your situation. But, it is an understanding in place that you aren’t exclusive, you aren’t building towards a relationship, it simply means that you don’t want to restrict yourself to only platonic dealings, you want to get sexual and not have to worry about feelings being caught behind it. Plain and simple that is the jest of the situation. This is what should happen in this type of arrangement, but, it’s commonly not how it goes.

In this situation what usually winds up happening is someone catches feelings. One of the parties likes all the attention and the intimacy and so on that happens, which leads to one getting feelings where it should just be fun and casual. I have been in these types of situationships before and I can say that while I do have an understanding for why one person catches feelings, I don’t agree with or accept it because when it’s clearly understood what’s going to happen, then there is no reason that blame should be assigned or angry feelings felt if the feelings aren’t mutual. If you are the type of person who can’t handle a setup like that, then I suggest you never agree with someone who says that’s all that they really want from you. Or, if you drop hints about being serious and they never really commit to it or talk about it, take that as a clue that you’re going too far and the whole situation may be called off.

If you are the person who is a hopeless romantic type person, this type of situation will never work for you. It will always leave you unfulfilled and wanting more, so don’t waste your time. If you’re the person who doesn’t like to be alone, but you also aren’t sure that you’re the relationship type this situation could be perfect for you. You have a friend that you kick it with and fuck around with, but you know that there is nothing serious between you two. Sounds like you’re getting the best of both worlds. You know the occasional sleep over and shit. Now, if you’re the person who is kinda broken and you might not be ready for a relationship then you could also be perfectly setup to benefit from this situation. But you also be setting yourself up for failure.

See the person who is trying to heal and recover from a relationship usually wants someone to keep them company and help to ease their pain. Usually they can rebound too quickly and jump into a relationship before they’re ready, but if they’re smart they also get into a friends with benefits situation and that can generally appease them until they feel they are ready to put their heart into it again. Then there is the person who doesn’t want anything serious and just wants to fuck around. This setup works for them too as long as it doesn’t seem too personal or exclusive. It’s pretty self explanatory too.

Hopefully this post will help people understand why if you aren’t a direct talker but you exhibit these actions and someone says they were misled or anything of the sort, this will clear it up. It should always be understood that physical actions work as well as actual words. Pay attention to the situation and the person. Don’t overplay the deal and you will be fine.

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Insta/Snap/Book Influencer

Yea if you on social media then you are likely to know what these apps are. Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook. And I can’t forget Twitter either. All of these social media vices are where most of the country absorbs it’s content. From news to sports to entertainment to social activities and events. Social media has become the largest influence over society. Print Media and Television media have become second and third in whatever order you want, but their importance has definitely diminished as instant news and idealist news has become the it thing in society. When you can have someone who looks like you and talks like you deliver what you think is the news. It’s usually their slant on what’s going on in the world and more specifically the country we live in.

It’s gone so far that now we have people labeling themselves as influencers. What does it mean when you call yourself that? More important what does it mean when a generation of people believe it without questioning the source or the validity of such a claim? It means that we are living is a bit of dangerous times. Social media as a whole is and has been a positive. It allows for people to unite far quicker than needing to call and get people in place. It allows for messages to be disseminated to the masses quickly and efficiently. It allows for you to find someone that you need to find, for people to memorialize themselves without having to pay lots of money to do so. It allows for people to be discovered without sacrificing their livelihoods to do so. All positives and things that have helped move us forward as a society.

However, it has also come with a great cost. It has allowed for social media thugs. People that pretend they’re hard or living a tough life, while really they are the total opposite. It allows for an alarmingly high rate of bullying, especially among teens. That has led to far too many deaths because of these hurtful actions. It had lead to pressures of having sex earlier than one wants, just to fit in with the crowd. It has led to people fighting and being killed over the go live culture. People who need to feed their egos and fan the flames rather than put them out. There are so many things that social media has been used for that is unhealthy and it has been used for many helpful things as well,

What it means is that the more that people, societies and cultures gravitate towards this vice for business and personal use, it is incumbent upon us to be more respectful and thoughtful. We all know someone who has benefited from the rise of social media and someone or people who have been hurt and as a result of social media. While we will never fully remove the negatives that are associated with social use, we can definitely control how much we allow people to attempt to tear each other down. Remember that even though you can’t be “seen” doesn’t mean you are all powerful. Consequences come with everything that we do, both good and bad. So with the rise of the influencer title, comes a rise in responsibility.

If that is something that you don’t want to assume, responsibility that is, then don’t label yourself as a influencer and don’t seek that mantle. Truth it that is millions of people out here looking for someone to believe in. Someone that will speak to them in a way they understand and can relate to. Someone who may be able to relate to their life and maybe help better their life and in some cases save their life. There is more to social media than just crystalizing a moment, or shaking ya ass for the camera or mike dropping on somebody. It is also to inform, connect, build, and inform. So choose your social media outlets wisely, Whether you know it or not, whatever you indulge in is influencing what you believe in and the view you take on things.

Be smart, be wise social media influence is on the rise.

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Religious Masters

You know I really wonder just how is it that White and Black people see God so differently and yet the same in many ways? I don’t know if it’s the theology being taught, or if it’s the history of religion that makes the two races have similar and differing places from which they come from. I thought about this because I was watching a movie yesterday and the characters were all white. The main antagonists were heavily religious zealots who felt that they were doing God’s will by abducting and killing young White women. It’s a concept that I have seen in almost every single movie where religion is the main plot and the focal characters are white.

I sat and wondered to myself why is this the case. Why is it that when I watch a Black movie about faith, there is a rigidity there but it’s also an undertone of love and compassion for following the rules of God. And then a wrath or a damning if you don’t follow what that person sees as God’s will. White people, their movies always say that one or two characters are the conduits for God. They’ve been spoken to and told to do harm to others who are devils or devil worshippers in order to please God and secure their place in heaven. When you think about that, to me that isn’t what God is all about. It shouldn’t be what religion is all about either, but unfortunately it is. Religion is suppose to be about guidance and togetherness. Bringing people the gospel and letting them decide how to incorporate it into their lives.

Both of these paths though, have tenants that I reject, and is why I am a Spiritual Christian not a Religious Christian. I believe that there is a gang like mentality to Religious people. They don’t want to accept people who aren’t like them. That don’t walk and breathe like they do when it comes to the God and scripture. I am very despondent as a Black, Gay male because people are so quick to want to take that Bible and castigate me if I don’t subscribe to some kind of Exorcism to take the gay away from me. This premise is stupid in every way to me. You know people keep saying that Gay is this major sin and so on, but there have been Gay people on this planet since the beginning of time. So what does that mean? Because to these Bible toting Christians God created it all and hates Gay people. But answer me this if God created all and knows all, then God created Gays and we should be accepted.

It is something that has split families and households apart because there is religious rigidity that seems to settle in amongst the religious folks. Like they’re the only ones who are right. Like they have all the answers. It’s as though they forget about the fact that they’re human and the only perfect being is God, who created the son Jesus. How are we to ever assume that in all situations we have the answers just because we are religious believers of Christ. If you read in the text it doesn’t say that at all. It doesn’t say that you are always correct or you always have the high ground because you base your bias or prejudice on the text. It is in times like these that we should be looking to the text for what it really is, a guide and a blueprint. It provides some structures and foundations upon which we should operate and conduct ourselves.

The Bible gives you moral and philosophical basis from which you can take lessons and grow towards. The text also preaches about love for each other and respect for each other. Yes it gives things that also shouldn’t be done and it also tells of things that shouldn’t be done when rebuilding a society and that grown men shouldn’t be sleeping with children. These are the places that we should be building from and understanding that religion is to be a common gathering ground. It’s suppose to be a way for people who believe in God and Christ to come together to bond spiritually, not act like thugs and judges and determine who is deserved of the love of God.

Some point in time we will finally realize that faith is something that should be a uniting thing and not a diving thing. From television shows to movies to real life, religion is always painted in a oxymoronic position. It serves to be the judge for some in terms of people they don’t agree with or feel represent God, but then it serves as their moral compass and compassion for when they want to try to reach out and bridge a divide created unnecessarily. How about we change the way we use religion and think about it. Use it for the purpose of love and support, growth and togetherness. Then we can possibly bring more souls closer to God.

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Say Their Names

As we sit here a little more than 60 days out from the election I’m concerned that people are forgetting what happened 4 years ago. Many people wrote off Donald Trump and elitist Democrats took too many states for granted and we got the worst President of a lifetime in the White House. Four years later it seems that a little has been learned but not much. We still don’t see the candidate pushing hard enough on the issues that will help them win. Pushing that there is abuse in the policing, the justice system is biased, racism is still present and systemic, the economy is in the shits for most people and this pandemic is fucking this nation up.

All these things are issues that should be pressed on a daily basis and they aren’t being done. We need to step up the attack lines and remind people just how terrible it has been and how much worse it will get if he gets four more years in office. Lets focus a little more on this Black Lives Matter situation. I said in my title to say their names. It’s serious because I want you to be able to understand just how horrible this situation is. There was a March on Washington this weekend, there are protests in Wisconsin, still protests in Portland, there were protests here in Atlanta this weekend. It’s coming quickly and over and over but Jesus this isn’t enough. So right now I want to say their names.. Philando Castile, Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, George Floyd, Jacob Blake, Admaud Arbery, Eric Garner, Trayvon Martin, Mike Brown, Trayford Pellerin. The list is far longer than this. The names just as important as these. But these are the names that have energized movements more and more because of the videos seen. Because of the outright disbelief in the stories told. Innocent black people, not being violent, not being criminal, and yet they were killed.

Justice for my brothers and sisters still hasn’t come and it appears it never will. This is the thing that continues to be talked about and action continues to be demanded for. We are looking for equality in the system. We are looking for police to be held accountable. we are looking for justice to equate to what we expect to see. Time and time again we sit here and we wonder when will it end. When will we get equal justice under the law for us. When will we get police held accountable for their brutality and misuse of force. Amber Guyger, one of the few officers held to account for murdering a black man in cold blood, when she went into Botham Jean’s apartment and shot him dead, he was unarmed by the way. She still only got a ten year sentence for her crime.

Can you imagine if that were reversed. If that was a black officer who killed a white man. That officer wouldn’t have been given mercy or leniency. They would have been sentenced to life without parole. They would have been crucified by the media and White America. But here she was with people begging for grace and mercy for her. Botham’s brother forgiving her as we are always asked to do, when our people are killed. Injustice that should be corrected. You wonder why we are outraged and tired of the system. All of these situations aren’t necessary. You have white people that have killed innocent black people taken to get food. You have a White teenager who kills people and he was not vilified. Why is this the case in this country still?

Stand for this movement, stand for decency. Stand for change. It is time to put leaders in positions that will help the cause. Leaders that will pass legislation to rewrite the penal code to be more fair and just. Change the rules for law enforcement so brutality isn’t permitted and accountability will be held. Time for change. Time to remove the status quo. Trump and all need to go. New President, different congressional leaders. Stand up and make a demand for change. So I say again.. Say Their Names. Justice must be done.

#BLM#change#saytheirnames

Leave a comment Posted on dating, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles

There is something that I think many need to make sure to understand, the lack of openness or a suppression natural affection and sexual intimacy is not a reflection necessarily of both parties in a relationship. Most times it can be the result of one persons lack of transparency, but it can have a transfer effect. Meaning, that that missing or negligent action can cause doubts on both parts. Or, it can create a sense of resentment. Either way both are dangerous and need to be monitored because they can cause serious problems within a relationship.

As I’ve been saying recently, it’s not always one major thing that happens that causes change. It usually is smaller things that occur, that either lead up to the big thing happening that is obvious and noticed or the small things happen often enough, or in important enough situations that they’re noticed, at which point something must be done. It would be a mistake to just dismiss something small happening now, because it can be the catalyst that leads to something bigger down the road. If you notice these things happening you can handle it a number of ways and each carries different consequences. One way you can address the situation is to speak with intent on it. Meaning, ask why is it happening. Why is there a need to hide or feel the need to sneak if there is happiness and moving on one accord?

Be careful though because if that person isn’t use to that type of directness or bluntness it can lead to a retraction in that person. They may feel attacked and rather than engage in the conversation they may push back and attempt to disprove what it is that you’re putting forward. The other reaction you could get is a direct response. One that either you must accept or push forward if you feel that it doesn’t address the issue sufficiently. The second way you could handle it is just let it go. Don’t entertain it or any thoughts that could be associated with it. Maybe it’s just a situation that the person wanted an immediate fix and you were busy in the house and they chose to do it themselves and not involve you. Nothing against you and nothing indicating that any attraction is being lost or missing.

This is the passive approach, but it’s one that could also work. Again, it may allow for the situation to die out and not be tackled because it just may not need addressing at all. But be ware, because this could also be a flash point that needs to be marked as a sign of trouble down the line. Always remember, you have to maintain being present, which means attune to things within your relationship. A third way to deal with it combines the two approaches in a way. You address it but not questioning the deal. Speak your peace as to the necessity of your partner self pleasing themselves with you there in the house just in another room. Make it known your displeasure and let them think about why did they need to hide it and do it alone in the first place.

Now what you do after that is really up to you. If they don’t really have an answer and then ask you to join, well decide what you want to do. Maybe that was just a way for you to invite yourself, even though it was being hidden and you had to be playful and pull back the covers to see what’s happening. But maybe they wanted you to do it. Also consider, that had you not done any of that. Had you not played with person, had you not pulled the covers off none of that, you would’ve never known anything. It would’ve continued to be done and you would be in the dark. Maybe you need to leave them alone with your words and their thoughts. Nothing further to be said. No argument to have, no conversation to be debated. Just blunt words and then silence.

This has multiple ways it can turn out as well. Maybe the person thinks and talks to you about it and you clear the air and things improve. Maybe it leads to some tension and silence and nothing is really resolved. Or maybe there is some quiet, silent reflection that leads to discussion or action to ease your fears and doubts. Hopefully the outcome is the one you desire and the two of you can move forward in a peaceful and happy manner. Remember, relationships are going to have issues and obstacles. They will the most minimal of things to heavy and major things. Decide where it fits and handle it accordingly. It grows you both and makes you better if you accept it.

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The Week Sports Took A Stand

As a black man, I’m so proud of the statement that was made this week by the NBA, WNBA, MLB, NHL and WTA. Due to the great courage and leadership of the NBA’s Milwaukee Bucks, sports stopped and athletes said that they will not continue to be marginalized and ignored. Black athletes said that they will no longer entertain the masses on television and be killed in cold blood in the streets. I’ve heard many people say well what did that accomplish. The answer is it accomplished a lot. It made the world stop and ask why. It caused the issues of police brutality and racial inequality take forefront once again. It brought some of the families of some of these black people who have been murdered by police back into the spot light.

We got another march on Washington today. We got more actionable items by sports franchises, including voter registration and calls to legislators in their states. More conversation on the demands to be made and those demands becoming more crystal clear. Demanding new legislation to tackle the police unions, legislation to address racial inequality in the justice system, rooting out prejudicial and racist police officers. All these things are necessary if we are going to advance the cause and movement for equality. These are the things that happened as a result of the athletes taking a stand and refusing to play games on television. So if you think their boycotts did nothing, well I guess your view is a little narrow.

The women of the WNBA have taken it even a higher level and it has to be applauded. It’s a shame that because their game isn’t as popular that their messages aren’t seen as much, but they are just as powerful. They have taken a stand and refuse to not be heard. This to me is exactly what should happen. Entertainment is not more important than lives. Black lives are just as important and critical as the black athletes that entertain you night after night. They give all they have so you can be distracted from the daily grind, but you won’t respect their views and lives when they’re off the court or if they’re not entertaining you. Enough is enough. This has been a watershed week and one that will never be forgotten.

This is the time to continue to put pressure and energy on this issue. Voting in two months on November 3 is so critical. No exceptions and no excuses. No need to try and say that there is nothing in it for you because that’s a lie. Your future is at risk. Your equality and freedoms are at risk. When will we say that it can no longer be about ignoring what’s difficult. For all you people who are tired of hearing about this subject, close your damn ears, shut your eyes or just go somewhere else. You’re probably the same people that give lip service about supporting the movement but don’t really want change. Or maybe you’re the people who are happy with how things are now, because it favors you and your family and people so this struggle isn’t relevant to you.

If you can’t understand why this shouldn’t and won’t go away anytime soon, maybe you need to sit down and listen more closely. Maybe you need to find some black people and talk to them about why we’re demanding equality and justice. I will not stop writing about the issue. No matter whether it gets may clicks and views or no clicks and views, I will continue to memorialize my thoughts and feelings. So when history is written, my children and grandchildren and generations of my family yet to be born can know that I was here and that I stood for something relevant and important to my people. That I have done my part voting and engaging in the process.

The message from the week that was is stand up and stand for something. Don’t let your actions be dictated for you or to you, dictate what you do. Change is something that never happens overnight. Grand scale change happens day by day. With little steps and big steps. It starts with a call to action and ends with tangible action. We are in the midst of change, don’t stop, won’t stop.

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I Wish I Would’ve

This headline says it all in my opinion. It’s a blog I’ve written about a little before but not really giving too much insight towards. Things that I have regrets about. It’s something that can be small to some and large to others. There are also some people who say that they have no regrets because they don’t live life with regret. I think for me there are a couple things that I have regrets about and I will dig deeper into these two things and lay it on the alter.

One of the biggest regrets that I have is not being as present during the pregnancy of what would have been my first born son. The person that I was with at the time, we were having major issues and we broke up right before I was told that they were pregnant. It was something that was not planned and I didn’t expect. It caught me off guard and once I was able to find out about it, I tried hard to be attentive and give what was needed, but when I really look back on it, I was not as present nor as sensitive as I needed to be. I can honestly say that it was in large part due to the fact that the relationship had crumbled and I was trying to find the air to breathe, while also trying to be the supportive co-parent to be as well.

Over time I was able to see how my lack of compassion for them led to a premature termination of our child. It hurt so bad because I didn’t get to have a say so in it at all. I wasn’t consulted or anything. Also, I was lied to as well because I was told my child was lost in a fight. It wasn’t until a year and a half ago that my child was actually aborted. It’s something that I live with forever. I truly wonder if I would’ve been able to separate the feelings of disappointment and anger from the joys and happiness then I think my three year old would be here now. Definitely something that I have major regrets about.

The second regret was not taking more time after a very destructive and hurtful end to a relationship. I was in my mid twenties and I thought that I was superhuman. You know, thinking that I just needed a little time and I needed to get back on the horse sooner than later. That with the love of the next guy, mixed with a fresh start I would be able to move on quickly. That was the absolute wrong thing. It turned out that I really needed years. For the better part of 4 years I ran through people. Being with people but never really giving all of myself. Because the truth was I was torn and in shatters. I was attempting to rebuild myself and give my heart to someone. Something that was never going to work.

I wound up being very mean and dismissive of so many people, who could’ve been good people. But because I felt such a pain and distaste for what happened, I felt pushed towards men and it led t some unfortunate, life altering things happening to me. Things that would take years to deal with and work through. It was the textbook definition of spiraling. I couldn’t stop myself. I had no control it felt like. I was building myself back up in some ways and still tearing it down in others. I never really understood why that was. I still really don’t understand it today, but I learned from that mistake. I applied the things I should’ve then and made for a much better result after having a second very traumatic, life changing relationship.

The burden I lived with back then that I finally released years ago caused me to apologize to some of the people I was still in contact with. I finally was able to get a handle on it all. I learned how to be a better me without needing to have someone in order to do it. It was a challenge and it may have cost me a lot, but I accept all the fallout that has happened.

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Remember the First times

A little bit of fun before back to the realness of the world. So I was sitting around just letting my mind wonder and I started thinking back to some of the first times that I did things. This isn’t really about sex or love, though all of those things crossed my mind. I just took a little time to think about what it was like having my firsts. The real ones and the pretend ones. LOL. We all know when we was little kids playing house or whatever you played, we had our first kisses and little grinds on each other. Then you remember your actual first time. Whether it was wanted or not. Whether it was stolen from you or you gave it willingly. Or whether it was brand new or used. Happiness or disappointment.

I remember the first real kiss I had, I was in elementary school and I really wanted to see what it was like. I kissed her and she liked it so she kissed me back. LOL, my first time kissing a man, wow. It was really nerve-wrecking to me. It felt weird but then I really liked it. But because at the time I wasn’t able to be out with it, it was a lowkey thing that I just held inside. Then I think about my first car. It was a surprise to me and one that I was geeked about. It was a brand new 2000 Pontiac Sunfire. It was red with a sunroof and it fit me just perfectly. It was very noticeable and I was always spotted by friends out and about. My mom brought my first car and she showed up to my job as I was getting off in my car. When I figured out it was mines, I couldn’t get the smile off my face.

Then I thought about the first car that I brought. It was a different feeling. It made me feel like a grown up because this was the first major thing I was buying for myself in my own name. Which then I thought about the first relationship that I was in, gay that is. It was really something unexpected. He was two years older than me. He was tall, light skin and so in control and confident. It was a two and a half year love affair, that saw so many ups and downs. Being young and trying to find myself in the gay world and in a relationship was a lot. He understood my insecurities and helped me to grow into being a man. But, it wasn’t as confident as I thought and that led to the end of the deal.

Remembering the first time I had sex is a little bit harder. I did a lot as a young child. I was very curious and my first time having sex with a girl happened when I was around 11 years old. My first time having sex with a guy was around the same age, maybe a little bit younger. It was a lot because at that time puberty hadn’t hit me, so honestly I was pretty much taking his and it hurt, but it was something that I knew that I wanted to continue feeling. Another first that I recall is the first time I tried to get someone pregnant. Wild and so irresponsible, but it was when I was 18 before I went to college. The person I dated, we was hot in the ass and tried to make it happen. It failed and it was probably for the best.

The first time I said I Love You and meant it was definitely something I don’t forget. It was with my first boyfriend and it was something I never thought I would say. But, it was something I was happy that I felt. My first ever car accident was scary as hell. It was something out of a movie. I was taking my partner home and it started to rain, a tractor trailer was coming up the country road and I was going down. Road too narrow, the tractor trailer took up half my lane. I tried to swerve to miss the truck but the slickness of the grass caught my tires and sent my car on a trip. It whipped hard across the street, into the ditch and up and over. It tumbled at least 3 times on the side and landed on the roof. The windows were smashed and I had to crawl out through the driver side window. Thankfully I was not hurt and my seatbelt definitely saved my life.

I remember the first time I was accused of being a criminal. It was here in Atlanta, and it was one of the most traumatizing times in my life. I was swarmed by police from all angles. No less than 7 marked and unmarked units. Guns drawn and police dogs were on the scene. I was scared and didn’t make any movements. I allowed the officers to find my wallet after telling them where it was. It was a call someone made saying a tall dark skin man wearing black and red was breaking into cars. I was a tall, dark man standing at the back of my car eating, talking to a friend. No apology was given, they just disappeared as quickly as they came.

All the other firsts are amazing and weren’t thought of at that time but I can surely think of them. My first apartment, The first time I traveled outside my home state of Virginia. The first time I went to college. My first time getting drunk, first time smoking weed. My first job and other firsts. I dare you to think of some of your firsts. Laugh, cry, all the things inbetween. Just take a little time to reflect and see how things have changed, how you have grown.

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Sexual Therapy

Have you waited a while to have sex with your lover for whatever reason and once you do it you feel this euphoria? You have this ease and peace about you, if they fucked you good, or you fucked them good? What is that about and why is that type of therapy such a necessary thing for the health and happiness of your relationship? I know I touch on this topic on a regular basis and that’s because I feel that it is needed. Being comfortable talking about sex, the different elements and the necessity for it should be something that is done more often.

Now back to the topic at hand. When you haven’t been fully sexually satisfied in a minute, there is nothing like getting some A1 ass, fye dick, wet ass pussy to put your minds at ease. Focusing on this is necessary for a number of reasons, one, if you have questions about the chemistry look no further than the level of sex you have. If it’s basic and usual, maybe you got problems. If it’s good and improving then you just might be on the right track. If it’s great and fulfilling then you got exactly what you need. It makes you feel like the king or queen. It gives you a sense of completion that your partner fucks you or you fuck your partner so good. If you don’t have to tell your mate how to do it, which way to do it because they know your body, how does that make you feel?

If you’ve had the foreplay leading into the sex so your always moist and the dude is already stimulated, just how much better is that sex than if it just seems set up and happens? What does it do to your mental and emotional psyche when you have sex that feels so good. That sex that makes you either hungry as fuck or fall into a slumber for awhile? These feelings that you have are important to the health of your relationship. It can provide a sense of security that you might not otherwise have if you aren’t having sex. Or if when you do have sex it isn’t good. Or if the sex feels rushed, or if one of you feels disconnected in some way.

I don’t pretend to subscribe to the notion that a healthy relationship can survive without a regular sex life. I don’t believe that you’re matched with someone to only experience parts of them. It is fully my belief that relationships are meant to have all elements involved. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. There should be levels of connectedness that make you feel like you and that person are one more times than not. Individual journeys being woven together by life experiences together, by conversations and by the best sex that each of you can provide. Tell me how does one feel that they have you if they don’t really have that deep physical intimacy that needs to be had? You can be as emotionally connected as you want, but if you don’t feel anything when it’s time to get physical, I don’t believe that you will stay together long term.

Sometimes what you really need to feel is the love of that person. To have that man feel your strength. To go through that release of tension, that rush of energy and pleasure is a feeling that nothing can compare to. There is amount of talking or cuddling that will actually replace the physical touching and tangling and mixing of bodies. I challenge you to go home and put it down on your lovers if it’s time. And even if you just recently did that tell me how did you feel when it was done? Did you just want to bask in the moment? If you’re the person that will do this today, I bet when you’re done you will enjoy that person just a little more than you did before.

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Rediscovery of Identity

Often times when you’ve gone through something traumatic, especially if it’s at the hands of a lover, you tend to lose yourself for a time while you recover and heal. And if you choose to stay in that relationship longer after the damage has been inflicted upon you, you’re further alienating yourself from you. Because you have to turn into a survivor. That’s right, the minute that you try to remain in something damaging, you are no longer really living. At that point what you’re doing is existing, surviving until you ground yourself again and find you.

Once you decide to leave that situation you start that process of rediscovery. It takes you through the highs and lows of the past. It reminds you of the person you use to be. It harkens back to better days and maybe even bad days to see just how far you’ve drifted away from yourself. It is a painful process, but ultimately one that becomes necessary in order for you to center yourself and move forward. Magnify that times ten when it comes to entering back into a relationship and defining yourself and role within the scope of that situation. If you’ve ever lost yourself in a relationship you know how hard it is to rediscover that being in the next one. Primarily because most of us really won’t take the time to examine who we became during that time and evaluate how much of that person we want to keep and how much we want to remove. Want to return to the person that we once were with some enhancements.

It is a challenge that becomes more difficult because as you evolve as a person that mark will move. There are risks to over compensating for the errors you made. Making too drastic a change because of the pain. You run the risk of changing all of you when you may only need to alter a small part. Trying to decide who you are in the current moment is hard enough without dealing with the past pains and traumas. It is also why I understand the need, usually earlier in relationships, for there to be a healthy amount of jockeying for status. Both of you trying to test your boundaries of what will be tolerated. Both trying to see just who is the more dominant person in the relationship. Both trying to re-establish their relationship identity.

Once you lose yourself, you tend to force yourself not to get too lost again. It’s a measure of control that many seek to keep because they don’t want to be hurt too much. They don’t want to be made a fool of and the normal action taken is to hold back. To present variations of yourself until you are ready and comfortable with the person you want to present and who you will giving yourself to. These awkward moments should be expected and shouldn’t be dismissed. They don’t need to be dwelled upon either. You each should take stock of the physical and emotional reactions you got. Think about what you said or did to cause it and understand the limit that your partner just placed on you. If it was something funny and joking understand that within the funny is a message.

I lost nuisances of understand that a message can be hidden in all things is something we should do a better job of. We can laugh and be joking in order to tamp down the harshness of what’s being said, but it shouldn’t be dismissed as not being serious. It should be possibly looked at as your partner wanting to restrict you without hurting you. Also, during this time don’t be afraid to address things that bother or aggravate you. This is when you should be alerting your lover to the things that you aren’t satisfied with. Again, it may be uncomfortable but it will better your relationship in the long run. Talking and understanding, giving constructive and considerate criticism is what makes relationships last. That authenticity and knowledge that you will get the truth from your partner is invaluable.

I’ve always said that until your relationship experiences that uncomfortable honest period, then you haven’t really begun reaching the deeper truths of your relationship. As long as everything is rosy and sunshiny you have nothing to really worry about. Once things become more serious and real, once there is self reflection and evaluation. Once you are asked to listen to your heart and once you have some positives and negatives of each other is when you really know whether or not you love that person deeply. That’s when you really know whether or not you have a love that is really lasting. That’s also when you really find out if you have rediscovered yourself. If you find yourself repeating the same things from before, maybe there is still substantial work to do. If you find yourself seeing the same issues, maybe you aren’t as ready as you think you are.

Always be willing to challenge yourself. Always be willing to look at yourself with a honest lens, not just the you don’t want to be alone lens. Healthy and happy people create healthy and happy relationships. A strong understanding of self and a love of that self is a big of the equation. So for all of those who may be questioning things about yourself. Wondering if you have truly found yourself, look deeper into the mirror and ask yourself if you have rediscovered yourself? If you have then hey move forward in the way that you see forth. If you still in that process, then let time finish working on you and that love will most surely follow.