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Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts

When I first started this journey again, to heal my soul, and to discover who I am again, I knew it would be a mighty fucking move. Requiring me to overcome years of trauma. Revealing the most damaged, twisted, painful, lustful, sinful, savage parts of who I am. In the course of one link, I blew his back out and then argued vehemently with him after. I’ve found myself in some situations and positions that never would’ve been dreamed of. The places I’ve allowed myself to be… to do some of the things that I allowed myself to do… Damn, I really had reached a new low that I never seen before.

To know the origins of this recovery, you must know the depths of the destruction. From being on top, thriving, succeeding, growing, evolving, flourishing, productive, accomplished. These were the plaudits being given to You, described You. No matter which end of the spectrum You were viewed from, everyone knew one thing, You were going places nigga. Determined to set the world on fire because You had arrived, and everybody was gone take notice. You showed your deft touch of life by smoothing navigating soo many worlds. You always lived in the Gay one, but you had a professional one, and a separate private one that needed attention, and if you fucked up how You operated the Gay one, well, You was fucking up Your life.

We had a couple instances of those. Relationships where they started with so much passion, fire, and success. Loving and lusting all at the same time, for each other, or so I thought. Before I continue that story, let me take you all the way back to the beginning. To where I was born, and I knew who I was underneath the cloak of “straight-male life”. I was 16 years old, and I met, who I thought was a girl, this dope ass person in a teen chat. Once I saw a picture of her, turned out to be him… WTF?!?!?!?!?! Then he begged me to stop firing off and let him explain. I don’t know why I listened to him, but his soft, soothing voice permitted me to ease the fire boiling in my spirit. Ready to allow this man to possibly expose a truth that’s been waiting to escape for as long as I can remember. He explained himself to me, told me who he was and where he lived. I learned we had a mutual friendship with someone well known in our community. I was scared as fuck then, because nigga WHAT??? This man is the living proof that I’ve been gay, and understanding of it, since I was a teenager. He was the perfect person for me. I gushed like a lil bitch every time we talked. He just knew what to say to me. How to touch my soul with the softness, fondness, and affection of his words. Even when we would argue, because he didn’t answer the phone when I called. Knowing that at our ages, calling each other was kinda crazy… well for me only I later found out. His family knew he was gay, and they loved him even more for it. His brother told me how much he liked me, but because I wasn’t out and couldn’t come out, at that time, I was going to lose him. He said I just needed to come see his brother and everything would be fine. Because his brother loves me and if I’m not scared then I should show up because that means I love him, and we would work through anything together. He even offered me to stay at their house, if my family put me out the house.

I was immediately struck by this terrorizing fear. I froze like a nigga staring down the barrel. Understanding his fate is about to be determined by this next move. Could he, or couldn’t he? Do you want to be happy… or do you want to be accepted? He told me he would tell his brother I called, and he would have him call me back. I was so thankful nigga. LOL. I wanted him to know just how much I truly liked him. Like over the time we spent talking, it was the most effortless conversations I’ve had in life. We waxed poetically like lil kids. Laughing and giggling, serious and honest, thoughtful and affectionate, raunchy and vulnerable. I never thought I could experience what pure, real love is at such a young age. The true definition of high school sweethearts. Just, we don’t fit into the “common America” narrative. So, to have this much love, we gotta hide this shit for now. Until we’re old enough to do this on our own, by ourselves. I remember his brother telling me that if I moved there, I would have to get a job, because no one lived free. But, I would be safe and protected there. Won’t nobody gone fuck wit me. They were a family, and the reason he was so protective over his little brother is because he’s super sensitive. He loves hard as fuck, which means once he’s with and for you, you got a rider til the wheels break off that bitch.

All the things I needed to hear, he told me. I was prepared to step out there, give up everything if needed, because I loved this guy. I just didn’t trust the roots. I was so fuckin scared. I’m just a fuckin teenager, what do I know? How am I sure this is even real? For all I know, this could be a scam. Somebody playing and catfishing, you know. I do all this shit only to be played and look like a Fuckin fool! Ok, let me back up, because there’s details, I’m leaving out that evens the scales. Right now, I look super fuckin weak, and that shit ain’t right. Truth is, during our late night talks he would always ask me to come see him at work. He worked at Taco Bell across town. For me, that was like a 20 min drive, not bad at all. Problem was he worked late night, and I couldn’t leave that late. My momma was the coolest moms, real shit, but she knew what was outside late at night and as the mother of a young, dark-skinned, nigga with man features in my hometown, nigga that was a recipe for one of two things… jail or dead. Well, the third was in fuckin, and she was worried about that, but not with who she thought. LMFAO!! See she was worried about becoming a young grandma, she didn’t know, who I prefer to play wit ain’t no kids coming biologically, we would need a third. HA!!!!! But I digress. LMAO. So, she won’t having it when I asked to slide out late one night to see him at work. I started asking a few times and she began to ask questions. I changed tactics, and instead of waiting late, I would go outside and ask if I could stay out til 12 or 1. Long enough to let him get to work, then go see him.

She blocked that when I wouldn’t tell her exactly where I would be going. And the one time I did, her eyes lit up and it was like I spoke the forbidden language or some shit. LMFAO. She said no, and that was that for me. I wasn’t gone sneak out because I just didn’t wanna be that kid. I love my momma too much and I didn’t want to be a teenage statistic in Va. He didn’t give up on me, but he started to move away from me. I remember the day we broke up. He told me that he just didn’t want to wait anymore. His brother told him everything we talked about that night on the phone. And he asked me “why didn’t I do it yet?” I told him that I really want to so bad, but I just scared as fuck. I could feel the hurt in his voice and the pain in his eyes, he sighed so heavy and brokenly said “I understand.” With that it was over. He broke up with me, told me that he found another guy that was open like him, and they lived close to each other, and he was going to move on. He never closed the door on me though. He told me where he would be if I ever wanted to be happy. I never went, and I never got my high school sweetheart. It broke my soul and my spirit so badly. He was exactly what I wanted in a lover. Sweet, charming, passionate, funny, smart, thoughtful, vulnerable, open. He showed me what heart looks like in a man. I never understand his magical pull over me. How could this person just speak to me like I’m the only person in the world who matters. We laugh about our days. Him in his ratchet school, being the fem kid that just dripped his own sauce.

I would tell him about the boring shit that happened during my school day. He would laugh and always tell me it wasn’t boring. He wished he was there with me. Because we would have the school talking. LOL. Lowkey, I wish he was able to go to school with me to. I know coming out with him would’ve been so liberating. Living my happy truth, with the love of my life. My desire to keep him a secret is what kept us apart. I know had I told my momma I wanted to see my friend. Tell her his name and what school he goes too and where he stays, she would’ve reluctantly said yes. Her reluctance not because he’s a male, she actually would’ve been happy about that. It’s that he lives in a questionable area. She knows what can happen over there and she would be worried about my safety. But, not wanting to shield me from life, she would say yes. I would have to let her know when I got there though. And when I’m on my way home. Knowing how the energy was between me and him, I would probably fall asleep every night and get in trouble every time. But that would start my momma’s clock in her head about just who this boy was. Mothers aren’t stupid and mines sure wasn’t. She was attentive to her son. Me consistently saying I wanna go to the same place, that’s going to draw flags and I wasn’t ready for that. The judgement and questions of it all. I couldn’t face that at 16. I wasn’t ready. I needed to protect this image because I needed to feel loved and accepted. Despite, feeling the real love an acceptance from him.

When we talked about music it wasn’t just rap and shit. It was pop music and female R&B. Never judged, always supported, cheered and encouraged. Express myself as fully as I feel I need to. Allow myself to explore my feelings and my spirit. He was everything to me. But I couldn’t out my head, and I lost him. Once we lost contact that was it. I forgot him, so I could move on and not feel the pain of no longer having him. I would keep tabs on him here and there. Always looking him up to make sure he was good. I remember looking him up when we graduated high school. I saw his name and his honors. I was so proud of that man. Living life his way and accomplishing shit people said he wouldn’t. That was the origin of me. That’s where this journey began. And the most recent travels and movements forced me to find my way back to where I began. This began the birth/rebirth of me.

The second stop on this train was a 17-year love affair. Yea, I said that exactly right! A true fuckin Grease love affair. Met the most innocent of ways and began what was 17 years of chasing, loving, lying, evading, persuading, contemplating, faking and regretting. See the first one was full of young love and ambition. Pureness. This one had everything in it. Fake identities, fake deaths, lying, deceiving, honesty, humility, lust, love, passion, betrayal, humiliation, embarrassment. The extreme toxicity that permeated between us was damn near killer. We had this insatiable desire for the love of each other, but we never knew how to harness it and present it one another without burning the bridge almost to no repair to get there. It was a tiresome game of chicken. Who would blink first and last? I was in love with this man. He showed me that pure love, even though it was introduced to me under false terms. This nigga was just a young bull, full of life and ready to show people just how grown and ready for the world he was, especially the gay one. I’ll admit, he definitely had game. He was a chocolate pretty boy. Smooth baby face, sweet eyes, soft lips and this general innocence that was the magnet to get you caught. Once in the web you see it was mostly smoke with a few broken mirrors.

Each attempt an effort to show he mastered prior challenges that stopped his progression. Forgetting the first rule of return, you must come back to me present, not currently caught up from the past. Present means you’ve done all the work of the past and now of the present and You are presenting You to me now, ready to be all that I want and need in the now. He would always fall short of now, because he was so busy worried about what he didn’t right before, to do right now. We continued this circular dance for a long number of years. Catching each other at the wrong time for one of us. Never willing to be patient long enough for both of us to slide back into our rhythm. Knowing that we don’t need long. Never have, because our souls connect like the links of a fence or the links in a chain. Welded so beautifully as to perfectly catch the weight to evenly distribute it across your neck to gloriously display itself for the world to see on your beautiful body. Again, an effortless ease that everything happened. No matter in person or on the phone, we always fit like gloves. But his lustful playboy life, and my open grown man life never came into alignment. He was always busy trying to have 3 options in case the first option doesn’t work. And I was busy being free. Exploring the world and the brown men in it. We never gave warning to each other. We just found one another and encroached into our personal spaces. Ignoring if anyone was/ is already there. We will make time for each other, until we deliver the safe words that push us away until that person who’s there is gone. Always waiting but not really waiting. Living, while also listening. Once the sounds of freedom were given, there we were finding each other again. But I was tired of that. Tired of the lies and bullshit. All the antics and theatrics. We’ve done them for such a long time and now the curtain must finally drop. As sad and hurt as I was to have to make this move, it was necessary. It was the only way to ensure that this shit ended.

Normally, we would’ve found each other again by now. Reliving why we broke apart. Walking on eggshells, to not damage the fragile foundation we’re attempting to rebuild. Desiring to lust of each other again. Knowing what it could do, understanding it’s only likely a dying mate call. One last time for all the years of bullshit. Doing the thing that we never did enough of, but when we did… exactly as expected. But that’s not how life is playing. That book is finished, the final chapter written, the last period placed. I will always and forever love that man. For 17 years of my life, I could count on him to show up and the world would feel right for a little while. Only to be reminded of just how narcissistic he is. I’m just grateful for the love and heart that we shared. Fuck all the dumb shit, we made beautiful music for a long time, and I’m forever indebted to someone who was willing to ride the roller coaster of life with me.

This one needs more time to air. Part two of the healing story will come shortly. I have to finish explaining about those three times, the Gay life fucked up the Whole Personal life. Damn, talk about healing that had to be done… I’ll be back with that story soon.

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Heart Chronicles – Fatherhood is Real

In the span of 55 days life showed me just how much of father I really am. Navigating my own personal issues, an exploding professional career, and my sons needing me for dramatically different, yet equally life changing and moving moments. Getting a realization of just how demanding being a present, and active father is. I’m so thankful for it! I’m blessed that I’ve been given the chance to mentor, discipline, critique, develop, mature, mold. When you face things for the first time, there is an expectation that it could fail spectacularly. There’s also the expectation that it could succeed beyond what You could’ve imagined.

Life is never going to truly be predictable. Regardless of how much we follow the same routine, everyday there will be something different that happens that You must alter the plan to address. Sometimes the block is small, a bump you can simply drive over, or walk through. In those times, we remember how we do the familiar thing or things, and we carry on. Confidence never shaken or disturbed. Then there are the blocks that require more work and attention. That level of focus can make you waver for a moment, but you find the solutions quickly and you are unimpeded any further. And then, there are those blocks that require fuckin grit and resolve. Fuck what you thought you knew. This type of energy You’re about to put out, You ain’t seen this shit before. I don’t know if I have the ability to do this. I don’t really know what’s happening internally, death is swirling, depression is heavy like a bitch, hurt is suffocating my lungs, pain is thunderously thumping in my head, anger is spewing out my pours. How am I supposed to navigate all these emotions and the biggest one of them all, shared across all the spirits I touch and discuss with, is fear! All of those previously mentioned emotions are connected to the biggest bitch of them all. Everyone is scared of something. Living life alone, living life miserably, losing life recklessly, unsure of their survival in life.

There isn’t always a thank you at the end of these situations. The blocks come and we’re ushered in to protect, defend, support, correct, resolve the blocks for you. Getting a thank you or I love you and being satisfied knowing You just helped someone through a challenging block in life. Listening to and learning from the people chosen to be the closest to me in life is phenomenal. Supporting your kid when they a parent is a special and beautiful feeling. Through the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, depression, and torment is a lasting bond. Built on the strength of support for, and love of one another. Crying, laughing, talking together. Hours and hours of time spent, reminding You of Your brilliance and relevance. Showing you the evolution of You and introducing You to the next levels of life. Through it all You made me so proud of You. Never quitting, always standing up for yourself. Knowing when to humble Yourself. The biggest compliment a stranger EVER gave me was the one from Your family. I am and will forever be grateful, humbled, and honored that someone viewed Us as a family unit. You allowed me into Your private space and Your personal moment. The biggest compliment I’ve ever received from You came later that day. When You told me that I am a root in Your life. I could never see my life without you kid. For all these years, You have been part of my heart and I’m so thankful and humbled for You. I’m never leaving You.

Through that shit there was some other shit happening that required my attention, and it was as personal as it gets. I had my own shit to deal with and it’s been so fuckin scary at times. I’ve never had a feeling like this before. Scared and unsure. Not understanding what the fuck is happening. Trying not to scare everyone half to death, while also raising the alarm that something not right and I need my circle. Bruh, that motha fucka responded like a boomerang. From afar questions and prayers poured into me. Love and affection for me kept being sent in waves. Allowing me to push forward and keep moving despite the pain and discomfort. How did I go through the worst of this shit, prayerfully, by myself. All the fuck niggas claiming to care this and be here for me that was doing just that… Talking and claiming to be that nigga. Well guess what bitch niggas, the moment is and has been here for You to show that and ALL You’ve shown is how much of a bitch nigga You are. In my neediest of moments, it was the guidance of my village that pushed me over. The constant check-ins and list of things to try to help me through. And it was my son, when I really needed someone who came through with no questions asked. I told him what I needed, and He delivered fully and willingly.

The moment came where I had to blend my two worlds. My blood one and my chosen one, again. It’s been a long time since my momma was introduced to someone from my chosen world. Today would be another day. She thanked him with the gratitude of a concerned mother not there for her son. He reassured her with the love of a son who was always going to be there for his daddy no matter what. As he said to her when she thanked him, “I have no choice, I have to be here.” They shared their collective concern for my well-being. Knowing that I don’t these types of life situations crawl upon me often. Knowing also that my work with my kidd isn’t done. We one more heavy lift that must be addressed. I’ve pushed it off and he’s kept it away for long enough. We must deal with his torment and pain. I have to summon that strength and energy again. To deal with the hurdles of life with him and beside him, to allow him to fully get his life back.

And then there is role of a father when the support needed is stern and unwavering. No matter how he presents himself to You, You must always maintain that consistent level of accountability and compassion. Love on him right where he is. Allow him to understand that love is never far and will always be there for him. Accountability is right at the same distance and must be taken to resume control over life. Love is just as intoxicating a drug and crack, crystal meth, weed, alcohol, and any other substance taken to control our emotions. Holding someone accountable who is barely able to hold themselves accountable is a challenge. A necessary one that must be taken to ensure that He doesn’t fully lose himself to life and his coping drugs of choice. Never forget that we’re one fucked up life event away from being just as compromised. How hard of a responsibility is that. To have them tell You that they can’t go to their blood because they can’t, don’t, and won’t understand. You are that stable beacon of reasoning, rationality, discipline, accountability, love, and protection needed.

Fatherhood is a priceless joy that comes with great responsibility. It’s a thankless job, with little celebration, but the reward is eternal. Even when you have to be critical of a son who let his lust of a man interfere with his rational judgement, and it could potentially destroy his foundation. Understanding that attentiveness and understanding of a situation is ALWAYS required when living with others. Don’t allow the fantastical dreams disrupt the settled reality created. It never ends up being worth it. Most times, you lose out on both friends because they had them before you. Understand that You can’t always help who you connect with, but You can help what house you tear down. Love is not wicked or toxic like that. It will never lead you to damage another home, no matter how fucked up its built or how weak the foundation is. Let one situation end before the next one begins. The funny shit about that is when one son was talking about this brother, he says “when he talks, I swear he sounds just like you!” Laughing the whole time. And then I remind him, You sound just like me too. And we both laugh! What a special feeling and dynamic moment it is to be a father/daddy.

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Heart Chronicles – Upgraded

It’s not too often that I sit back and say.. damn, that really is me. But this seems to be one of those moments. That I’m witnessing the revolutionized version of me is mind boggling. We only hope that at some point we get to encounter the next iterations of ourselves. A beautiful and real reminder from life that your seasons are beginning to fade. There is still plenty of room at the table for You, but the main course isn’t exclusively yours, and You may not be the favored entree in a majority of situations. This isn’t one of those times though, and you may have just found the secret to your life happiness.

You engage the conversation with all the attention that it deserves. You occasionally immerse yourself in the dialog. Listening to the words and stories given, but not actively paying attention to the lessons and the guidance given. Choosing to almost bluntly disregard the blueprint provided. Determined to figure it out in Your distinct ways. Wanting to quizzitively challenge the words and premise because you believe that you have answers, however wrong and distorted they may be. Realistically knowing that all you really want to do is keep me talking and engaged in discussions with you. Leaving it to every day would be filled with endless hours to banter. It is the secret way to unlock the keys to your magical kingdom. Speaking with clarity and difference. Bluntly and, at times for You, overly critical, excites Your senses. There’s an innocently cute quality attached to your undeterred quest for information. There’s this split complex to you though. You’re not all words and intellect. You just treasure the emotional connectivity because that heightens the physical flames for You. Then there’s the social You. A more eccentric version of what I put on display when I chose to put my face in the world. All the same impressive.

As much as I want to distance You from me because I know what You could do, if I allowed it. My spirit and soul won’t let me pull away because it’s secretly what I crave. I scream in my head for this kind of magnetic pull. Knowing how far to push the other, while gaining valuable insight and information. The forces are irresistible. Never needed to clout or status, always because we fit into the waves of each other’s life smoothly and seamlessly. The problem that keeps tripping You is that You’re trying to reverse to progress and it’s not working well. You can’t keep trying to force old standards on new situations. It will only keep causing confusion and problems. Eventually, you can destroy the present because you kept looking too much to the past for the answers. If you want something new and different, You must do different. And Yes, I know this shit is toxic on soo many levels. LMFAO. Intentionally pushing each other’s buttons is extreme, but that’s the way we’re wired, and it works. Just don’t keep pushing it, I’m not very patient and I will lose my shit. LMFAO. Thirsting for knowledge is a mighty tool to possess. The discernment to know when to activate that tool and how hard to go when you use it, that’s the most powerful tool in the box.

Consumption with talking is going to get you hurt though. We don’t live life for words alone. We require actions to validate the words, or else it all becomes hollow. When you think you see yourself, how do you react? What are the thoughts you have and are you wondering if they can feel or read your thoughts, like you feel and read some of theirs? Life always be fuckin lifeing. I am always in awe of the way things happen when you least expect them to. When You just live authentically. Damn.. I love writing. I miss this shit. You never know what time period I’m writing from… Some shit to think about huh…???

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Heart Chronicles – Trash In Trash Out

One of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen is someone giving You trash and expecting You to give them top notch treatment. Can someone please tell me what fuckin planet does that make sense on? Too many men out here have this distorted view that because they’ve been fucked over, or taken advantage of, that when it’s time for them to “find” the next man, he must accept the trash like approach. Those of you who believe you make a shit load of excuses to explain away your trifling ass actions, need to be punched in the throat.

The notion that you can keep harkening back to the glory days of your past to entice the future to accept your present trash is really fuckin sick. Yet, real shit, people do this every day. And then they wonder why they keep ending up being left or when they try to explain to their friends why the shit went sideways, they’re getting bleached because the friends know you’re full of shit. Lying, making up scenarios, convincing yourself that you’re the victim. All the while, you’re the fuck nigga doing fuck nigga things. How can you justify leaving someone in their time of need, when you claim to want to be their rock and dependable lover? Where does it say in the imma legit nigga book that imma show up to seeing you looking like I just got outta fight, and You need to bring me to life? How you tell somebody “Imma take good care of you this weekend”, then say “all you gotta do is lay back and relax”, only to show up and not do a fuckin thing?

See if you know then.. well you know.. LOL. Never bring yourself into someone’s space and you can’t perform the way you talk. A big talker with little to no action, that’s like jackin off and really thinking that nut feels the same as nuttin down a warm throat or bussin a fat nut inside a nice, wet, warm, clean hole. LOL. I know.. I’m always taking it there. Yea, I am.. because I can and cus it’s me. But really thou.. how you introduce yourself as this lucid dream. Flexible and amenable to whatever the environment presents to you. Willing to open your soul and spirit to the dynamic influence that I provide. Only to cower in the face of the fire. When life stepped it’s pussy up on you.. your dick shriveled up and you tucked your head and showed how pussy you really are. Change your hair as much as you might, the truth that is you never changes. You are that scared, fake, lying, introverted man that you showed yourself to be every time. Needing the power, strength, electricity, and fire flowing from me to breathe life into your listless, basic, dingy, conservative life.

When pushed and manipulated to upgrade you, you reluctantly moved to make the most minimal improvements. When dared to go outside the small box, you aim high and always end in the valley. You never met the moment; constantly missing the mark. Wondering why you’re never reaching the ultimate goal, when all you have to do is look at yourself. What about how you’ve presented anything says that you deserve anything more? If we’re calling a spade a spade, you deserve far less. I blessed you with more than deserved from me. I let you see me thru my pain. I allowed you to peer into the window and all your sad, shallow, low caring ass could do was offer shallow consolations. I credit you for lending your ear and time though. I fucks with that because you showed an ounce of care then. But the bullshit is you’re now following in my footsteps. LMMFAO!!! Never a leader.. always a follower.

Trying to pawn your chosen one onto me. Realizing that You bit more of the apple than your throat could accept. Now, you find yourself treading water, barely keeping it together, close to drowning and you’re desperately looking for a way out. You thought you could a lil game this way and it was gone get your ticket punched. HA!! Slow, stupid ass boyy. Twinks get a lot of room over here, but not the way you come. Take some time to find out who You really are as a human. You’re an incomplete person attempting to take a developed person’s spirit and fuse it into yours. Promoting falsehoods about who you are. Using tales of what used to be and who You previously were, to entice men to invest in You. Knowing that you can’t invest that same capital into him. You will invest what you can, which is admirable and respectable. Always appreciated for what it is, and never disappointed for what it isn’t. My disappointment is that You lied so brazenly and openly about EVERYTHING! Like damn! You really have no shame about you at all. You did anything that You thought would work. Attempting to persuade me that the moves You made were for the betterment of Your young king and your life primarily. When as time has done what it does, shine the light down..LOL.. It showed me just how much of a fraud You were. Deceiving me into believing that you knew what you were doing. Only, I caught on to your game very early on.

You tried so hard to make Your story be one of suffering and isolation. Claiming that You were essentially black sheep’d by Your family. Moms did this and that; pops, he did all this horrendous shit too. Wondering how in the fuck did this nigga survive being away from home if these people fucked him up this bad? Giving room for that to be the case, while also realizing, there is definitely more to it than this. These people know he’s not ready yet. They know what he’s doing and some of them like it because it removes the diva and the bitch out the picture. But when they see how he’s going about it, they refuse to support this because they know he’s about to abuse someone to get himself right. What they didn’t know was that I’m not simple or ordinary. The sweet trap of a country boy wore off almost 20 years ago. All of the traps and musings don’t work. I allow them to have room and life because I want to entertain what I want to entertain.

Your angle was nice. It was different. You just had no possible way to deliver on the shit you sold. You were talking from a pre-damaged you. Parts of your mind and your spirit are still breathing from before the destruction. But it’s small and barely able to survive. It comes out to shoot one shot and if You don’t reel it in with that first shot, you miss and you can’t it back. That’s what your problem was. It was never going to be enough to just do it once. You were going to have to deliver Your game for a sustained period of time. If you can’t.. well, I guess Your time will end too. I saw the truth thru the young king. I told you I love kids because they don’t lie. Their actions, words, mannerisms, all of that will be determined by how they are handled. What is their environment and who are their influences. For you to tell me what you did and for me to get the reports I got, told me everything. Without you being the sole presence, he does amazingly well… according to You. Bu that day I saw one of the Snaps you sent, and I could sense he had been prepped on how to respond in the video. Bruh that’s some real cheap, trashy ass shit to do.

Using the kid to get what you want. How disgusting of you to do that. And how low of your family to allow you to use your family in that way. Now, you’ve switched up tactics on em. You found you one half-way cross the country. You can’t take your young king this time because that wayyy too far, and Your people know nothing about him. Because you didn’t tell anybody. See this is the nasty and trifling part of You. You can never not have someone because You don’t know how to fully operate in life. And you’re too scared to do it by yourself, so You’re going to find a man to do it for and with you. Dumping your baggage on him, instead of talking with him so he can decide if he wants to do this, and the best way to approach. You are the worst type of faggot. The one who lies and hides his stripes because he needs to be taken care of. Only to trap the person and strip their life down to build Yours up.

I had respect for you until you exposed the lies you made up to try and convince other that You had to made to his move. Because contrary to EVERYTHING that You told them, I was this monster. Who just became infatuated with sex during the visit. You obfuscated the part about the other shit swirling around. It didn’t fit Your narrative, so you had to omit it during your explanation. The problem with that is, You told them everything when it came to me. That’s why You said, “It’s always hard talking about things that involve You (ME)”. In the end, You were exactly what I thought you were and showed me to be exactly who I said You were. I told You that in order for to get what You wanted, You must show me that You are ready. And You always failed. My solemn wish is that you take time to stop running man to man and spend time investing deeply in You and the Young king you chose to raise. Blessing to you!

Love and respect Y’all

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Heart Chronicles – Feeling Unappreciated

What happens when you continue to pour into the lives of those you care about, but very few, if any, pour back into you? That sense and feeling of being taken for granted, feeling unappreciated heightens. Now, to be clear, I’m not the guy who does things for people or to people just to get adulation or praise. Nor am I attempting to be rewarded in excess of what I’ve given. What I do want is for there to be acknowledgement and appreciation for the efforts and output that I provide.

It’s not about giving me, sending me, funding me. It is about showing me, remembering me, reciprocating to me what was done to you. As someone who has been in the fatherhood role since, I was 19, I understand how sacrificing it is to take people into your world, into your home and give of yourself without expecting anything in return. What you do expect, is to be given the proper respect and treatment as someone who occupies that role in someone’s life. What do I mean then, if I’m not looking for financial reward or anything in that vein. Well, how about remembering my birthday. Maybe taking me to a nice meal or cooking one for me to show your appreciation. You could buy me flowers, or my favorite sweets or snacks.

It has not and will not be able how much you spent, or how grand the gesture was/is. Yes, a big, fancy something is nice, and I will always appreciate those gestures. But sometimes the small things make an even bigger impact because it shows that you know me, and that you care. Here is an example, one of my closest friends decided he wanted to thank me for all that I had done for him over the years. He decided that one year for Father’s Day, he was going to come and cook and spread for me and my closest friends. I already had the food in my house, so what he brought was his time and talents. It took him hours to prepare, cook and serve the meal. That was so special to me. I was moved and appreciative because that showed me his true love and appreciation for me. It wasn’t that he spent lots of time, he spent his precious time. You can get money back, time you cannot.

The truth of the matter is I’ve never had a grand gesture done for me by anyone that I’ve poured into. All that I know is the small, but powerful, selfless acts of giving of time and talents to show love and appreciation for me. Maybe that’s a good thing, and maybe it’s not. I really don’t know that answer. What I do know, however, is even those small acts have been missing in action for years now. There are so many people that I’ve chosen to give my time, talents, knowledge, money, and home, to ensure advancement of themselves. Not so that they return the favor, but to see them grow. And to hopefully, one day, be shown a modicum of appreciation for the opportunities or doors opened.

Some may say your speaking hypocritically, because you say you don’t do things to receive things, but you’re speaking about feeling unappreciated because no one has done anything for you. My response to that is this… if all you do is pour out and no one is pouring into you, eventually you will run out of juice. Balance in life is something that is required. Giving too much and receiving too little, that runs you down. Taking too much and sharing too little, makes you look selfish, and can eventually run you down. When there is a healthy give and take, it keeps the balance that is needed to pour out and to be poured into.

So right now, I feel unappreciated. There has been too much pouring and not enough poured. I’m not going to go around asking for appreciation. I believe that all people know when someone has been significant in their lives. We know the people that go above and beyond, that are there for us when there is no one else. You know that you should treat me with the special care that is deserved. If you don’t when you have the chance, what does that say about you? What should it say to that individual? Should they stop being that vessel? Or should they limit the resources they provide?

I wrestle with this issue because honestly, I am and have always been a giver. I don’t look for people to return to me the way I give to them. But I do, at times, think about why people are so resistant to showing the affection that they receive from me. I guess when I’m unable to pour into them because I’m not able to, or because I’m no longer alive to do so, they will appreciate what was done for them. It sucks that people really won’t appreciate you until your dead.

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Heart Chronicles – The Worst Firsts

For better or worse, we remember the first-time things happened to us. Be it the first time we got a boyfriend or girlfriend. The first time someone hurt your feelings. The first time you had a crush. The first time someone you like, liked you back. The first time you kissed someone. The first time your hormones showed up. The first time you got in trouble at school. The first time you had sex. The first time you got your nut. The first time you had a relationship. The first heartbreak. The first time a friend crossed you. The first time you were seriously lied to. The first time someone brought you something. The first time someone negatively hurt you. The first time you were rejected. The first time you were disappointed. The first time you became a parent. And the list goes on.

No matter which of those firsts mentioned above applies to you, you have experience with positive and negative feelings around the first time you did something, or had felt something, or had something happen to, by, for, with, or against you. It’s my feeling that when you experience too many of these firsts in a negative sense too quickly, it stigmatizes you against someone or something. Conversely, when you experience too many positive first too soon it gives you false sense of security or deepens your naivety about life. Some may say I’m wrong. You can’t have a negative blow back for experiencing too much positivity. On one hand I say, maybe you’re right. On the other hand, I say you’re wrong.

The balance in positive and negative experiences seems to be how life should work. The truth is sometimes these firsts happen in a vacuum that doesn’t allow for perspective, or steady remembrance that the journey of life will have multiple highs and lows. I think back to many of the first times in my adult life and maybe that explains why I’ve had so many issues trusting people as I’ve gotten older. Too many times I’ve believed the better in people and they show themselves to be other than what they appeared. Causing some painful firsts to happen that’s made those that have come after them suffer because of the trauma caused.

When you’ve been impacted by too many negatives early in life, it shapes how you see people and things in life as you grow. When you experience them in midst of your development, it can stunt you deeper than you believe. Let me also say that it matters who the person is that does this first to or for you. When you are affirmed by someone you care about it makes you feel even better than if it was a complete stranger. Similarly, when someone close to you wrongs you for the first time, it leaves a scar that’s deeper than what a stranger’s cross does. If a lover cheats on you for the first time, you feel that pain much deeper, than someone you’re just dating or someone you’re in an entanglement with.

There are two people who did two devastating firsts to me that I was unprepared for, and never expected to have happen. I truly believe that those two events happening enhanced some of my negative, pessimistic, and highly sexualized demeanor I carry for most men. When you put the best of you out there for the world’s consumption, and you get fucked over for your innocence, it strips away how much you open yourself. It begins to plant seeds of doubt and questions about you, and definitely about the intentions of others. It can lead to a drip, drip of poor choices that you have look up and wake up from.

Working through the traumas of my adult life have been extremely difficult. Admitting to my own role in some of the negatives and reminding myself of my self-worth with some of the positives, has been a bit challenging. Support systems, access to consistent and relatable therapy services are critical to maneuvering and successfully navigating through these emotional times in life. If you start to have these firsts happen too quickly, make sure you have people in your corner to talk to. Some who can help keep you grounded when you start floating, and others who can keep you lifted when you feel driven into the ground.

Love on yourself, respect yourself, and reassure yourself. These firsts are necessary and also dangerous traps in life. Can you relate?

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Heart Chronicles – Commencement for Kings

It’s been a little over a month since crossed the stage and became a Morehouse Man. Cloaked in all my regalia. Stoles, cords, academic hood, dressed to the 10’s, in school colors no less, and a smile that could light even the darkest room. The energy and atmosphere on that Sunday morning, May 21, 2023, was unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. I don’t know how other institutions, or HBCU’s conduct their commencement ceremonies and weekends, but what I do know is there is NOTHING like a Morehouse commencement.

For one, starting that Sunday morning was a big ass challenge, LOL! I was cross-faded, drunk, and high. That had its own share of obstacles, especially when I didn’t lay down and close my eyes until 2 something in the morning, and I had to be up at 4:45am. Yet, I plied my ass out that bed, nothing was going to stop me from living in this moment and giving my momma her moment to glow and receive all the praise she deserved from having her only child, a Black man no less, achieve something is rare in our community. Being a Black man graduating college, statistics say I have a better probability of being in jail than being a college graduate, which is an accomplishment that needed to happen. Enough pretending to be a Morehouse Man, time to step into those shoes and fly to the moon.

Second, having to be on campus by 6:30am was whew! Just so early, but again I was going to do what needed to be done. Yet once we were instructed to line up to begin our final march on campus as students, the energy and the atmosphere shot thru the roof. Everyone woke up and once we got outside, as the sun was rising over the buildings, the buzz began to grow. The alumni arrived, parents, family, and friends were showing up in numbers. The faculty and administration had gathered at the top of the hill at our student center, waiting for us to take the Tiger walk down to the Century Campus, to take our rightful place in Morehouse College history. My body was immediately infused with this energy that was dynamic. It was too positively powerful to let tears fall, I just couldn’t stop smiling. 17 years in the making, and the day had finally arrived. The moment was upon us, and it was being recorded for the world to see.

That walk I’ve taken thousands of times over the years of being on campus, but it never felt as symbolic, important, and monumental as right then at approximately 8:30am. With alumni lining the street on both sides of us as we started our walk to history. They were so lively and energetic. Clapping, smiling, recording, high fiving, congratulating and basking in the glow of another round of intelligent, dynamic, Morehouse Men ready to take this world and lead it from whatever perch we happen to land upon. Cheers, applause, hugs, shouts, handshakes, and endless banter filled the walk, space, and time as we took the slow, but continuous march to the big show. The commencement master of ceremonies talking about the attributes of our class. Priming the families and friends of the 407 graduates of the class of 2023. And once we reached the top of the hill, my God it was a sight I never saw in person. Thousands and thousands of Black folk losing their minds as we entered the arena. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, and friends all on their feet euphoric as their loved ones marched into their destiny.

As I couldn’t do that day, but I’m doing as I write this and my mind takes me back to that fateful morning, tears are streaming down my face right now as I just think and appreciate how special that day was. In fact, that whole weekend was. As is typical of Morehouse College, we never have typical anything. So, we filled that weekend with special events and moments that allowed students and parents to being the process of preparation for that special day. Ceremonies that welcomed us into the alumni ranks, ceremonies that let us pay homage to our parents/guardians that were instrumental in helping to get us to this time. In each event, my mom allowed herself to be present and her emotions overwhelmed her as she just shined and beamed with so much pride and joy in me, her son, and my accomplishments.

I will never, ever forget that day. The emotions and pride I felt within myself. The beauty, pageantry, majesty, power, and magic of seeing hundreds of supremely talented Black men in one place, being honored and praised for our excellence. I hope that everyone is able to experience something like this in their lifetimes. You deserve to have your emotions and feelings pushed to this magnitude. The question becomes what I do with this achievement and how do I build upon it to take me to a higher level. Those plans are being crafted as we speak.

Thank you, momma, for always believing in me and loving me through my challenges. Thank you, Grams, for believing in me and pushing me to come back and finish what I started. Even though you aren’t present physically with us anymore, the way everything went off perfectly that weekend, you were clearly here with me in spirit. I am eternally grateful to everyone who pushed for me, who encouraged me, who loved on me, who understood my lack of availability while I finished this part of my journey. I fuckin’ did it!!!! Morehouse College c/o 2023!!!

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Life Chronicles – Morehouse Man

Damn it y’all I fuckin’ did it!!! It’s been 17 years in the making, but I am officially a Morehouse Man. Back in May 2002, when I wrote my acceptance letter to Morehouse College, informing them of my intention to enroll and accepting the offer letter they sent me, I just knew that in 4 years I would graduate with a degree from one of the best college institutions in America, and the best HBCU in the land. I never expected that life would.. well life, and it would take me 17 years to complete the journey I started all those years ago.

The feeling that I felt when I realized that the journey was complete was surreal. It was on Wednesday night, around 8:30 pm, after my Marketing Management class was over. The final project for the class was complete and I knew at that moment it was done. That was the only thing that could’ve kept me from passing the course, so I had to focus and make sure that I not only finished the assignment, but that I put my A effort because I had a goal to accomplish. Knowing that I had done so after I submitted the assignment, all the emotions hit me at one time. I cried my eyes out for about 40 minutes. A Black man in America graduating college, those odds are steep. Fuck what you hear about equality. A Black man is more likely to get shot in the streets or to be locked up in jail than he is to graduate from college. Not only am I graduating from college, but it’s also one of the best colleges in America. The dream realized, a journey complete, a promise kept, a goal completed.

The emotions came from so many different places. Realizing that my journey to this point was anything but smooth. Leaving school, re-enrolling and finding out that things changed so you can’t go back without satisfying a balance that you didn’t have the money to pay. Make another attempt at returning, only to have your mother switch up on the plan y’all made together, ruined and facing the prospects of never graduating from the place you yearned for. Also, maybe not being a graduate at all. Some may say why do you even care? A college degree has been devalued in this country for a few years now. The most successful and wealthiest people do not have a degree. They don’t have that debt burdening them down. Those points are true, but for me, it was something I always wanted and aspired to accomplish. It’s challenging for Black people to earn a college degree. The failed everything that happened along the way and to finally be at the top of this mountain.

This moment was supposed to be shared in the physical presence of my gramz. She was my biggest supporter all the time. She always believed in anything I did and would always remind me that I needed to finish school. I promised her for years that I would. I never told her how my moms fucked that up in 2010 with her selfish decision. I kept my head down, hoping for the opening to go back and finish. That door opened in 2021 and I jumped at the chance. With the Morehouse Online program being launched, the opportunity was being presented and I was going to do what it took to finish. First thing was to pay off the debt still owed to the school. It still blows my mind that a damn college would hold a financial debt on it “college books” instead of sending it to collections like most businesses do when you owe a balance. Given that it had been 15 years I just knew I didn’t have to pay that $1100 back. Wrong! They made sure that they got their money.

For the better part of the last 17 years I had been living a life of a lie. Everyone in my professional world, and most in my personal life assumed that I graduated from college. Primarily because I spent 3 plus years in school. I withdrew early in the Spring semester of 2006. I was burned out, tired, and my personal life was really fucking with me. I needed a break and had come up with a plan to take a year away, re-enroll in Spring 2007 and complete my degree. Well, you know even the best plan is just that, a plan. Life did what it does, and that plan got all fucked up, so I had to adjust and pivot. Still operating under the guise of being a graduate in Corporate America. In some ways, that fear of being found out paralyzed me more than I even realized. My light shined so brightly for me at a young age in the corporate world. But not having my degree completed was always in the back of my mind. I wondered if I applied for positions that were truly a stretch would I be found out because the company would do a thorough background check and see that I was a dropout, not a graduate.

I danced around with the idea of going to another school to finish, but I knew the hassles of that. Trying to find another HBCU that would accept the majority of my credits, so I didn’t start over as a Sophomore was going to be difficult, plus, I didn’t want to finish anywhere else. I wanted to finish at Morehouse. Despite struggling with desires to change schools for a different scenery and environment during the years I was on campus, and a personal life that almost saw me attempt to transfer to Howard or Hampton to be closer to my then lover. I just felt that deep down, this school was the place that would prepare me best for the world that I was going to live in. And in truth, Morehouse did a tremendous job of that in just 3 years. These final years spent finishing have opened my eyes to new things, new understandings about myself and my heritage, and made me an even more dynamic person. Dreams do come true, you have to do the work though.

Here I find myself today, reflecting on the LONG journey that has gotten me to this point. I hope that my gramz is looking down smiling at me. Talking about me to my family that she’s with up in heaven. Proud of her grandson for finishing the journey I started. Proud that I kept the promise that I made to her. I miss you so much and my heart fills with emotion when I think about you and hearing your voice in my head. I know that if you were here, the family would be tired of you. LOL. I know that you wouldn’t stop talking about this moment. This weekend will be a celebration of me and I will be thinking about you. I cry tears of joy and tears of hurt when I think about this accomplishment and you not physically being here to celebrate in it. Know that I strive to make you proud and I know I don’t always achieve that goal, but more often than not I aim to accomplish it.

Being able to not live a lie and to confidently and boldly walk in my truth of being a graduate is so freeing. I feel like the rest of the goals and ambitions I had I can complete without fear of looking over my shoulder. Because I sealed this deal. Look me up and you will find my name with Morehouse College part of my educational background and a degree in Business Administration: Management under it. Walk in your truth and doors will be opened. As many that were opened before, when I was walking in half-truths, more will be open now that I walk in full truth. To God be the glory! My momma is preparing to slide down to Atlanta, and she is bringing some of the fam with her. Friends and my chosen family are going to be in attendance too. What a time to be alive. No time to stop though, I have and will pause to reflect, appreciate, enjoy, and celebrate this momentous achievement. Then on to pushing hard to make more goals reality, more dreams into possibilities and more opportunities to the table.

For now I’m truly allowing all of this to sink in. I gotta say it again: I am a fuckin Morehouse Man! Graduate C/O 2023. Thank you and I’m done.

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Life Chronicles – Community Failure

It continues to amaze me just how outdated and selfish the Black community can be at times. As a strong, black man I’ve watched as so many of us seem to make the same types of mistakes that can be corrected by community help, but it rarely seems to occur. Learning lessons from the past and passing that knowledge on to the future is critical element of community growth that lacks in our community far too often. While there are efforts to ensure that young up and comers have this knowledge, far too often it’s substituted for street knowledge and culture, that while critical for understanding of history of self, is not as relevant as knowing the tools needed for a successful life. And there aren’t enough corners where the messages of how to survive and thrive are being embraced and passed down either.

I was watching a recent Facebook story where someone was gloating about how much they love their young nieces and nephews because they were all in the living room dancing and rapping lyrics to trashy rap songs. Why would you be proud of kids who aren’t even able to fully understand basic life but can flaunt and behave in gutter, street like behavior. Wearing their clothes like they street thugs instead of being presentable. Please tell me what fuckin lesson is being learned by this behavior? Some people may say, aww it’s harmless and innocent they’re just young. And there belies the stupidity and ignorance of the community. Where do you think lessons and impressions and personality is built in us. When we are young is when we are the most impressionable and spongelike. Knowing your culture and the history of where you come from is fine but be proud of them because they can correctly recite their alphabets, spell their names, do basic mathematics and reading comprehension.

A community that doesn’t invest enough in its young is a community that will suffer. Our community is so fractured from past pains, scars and divisions that today’s leaders are being put behind an 8-ball before they can get out the gates. I appreciate those who do the work to ensure that the next generation has more than the current. That is the way it’s supposed to be. Learn lessons and pass them forward. Teach those who don’t know what you do know so they can carry the baton once your time is up. Not learn what you know, make yourself successful then sit on it and let that wisdom die with you. Imprint on kids the importance of knowledge and understanding. Allow them to seek and obtain credible, healthy knowledge from those who will protect and grow them. Expose them to the ugly truths of life, while also giving them the talent and mental acuity necessary to combat these nasty realities.

What typically happens is procrastination and self-preservation over progression and evolution. How many parents really take time to explain life fundamentals to their children once they start to reach an age of understanding? Where do you see parents showing kids how to handle money and discussing the importance of credit, negotiation, budgeting and balance? It’s not enough to just let the teachers teach them these lessons. The reinforcement should come from home, and if not home then the community. Sowing back into the community could be financial, if you are blessed to do so, it can also be with your time and energy. It’s free to give back to the community. Organize free workshops for financial literacy. Provide free life counseling on managing money, expectations and influence. Talk about your struggles and successes with folks and do it with love and honesty and humility. Things that cost you nothing and can help generations of people.

I was watching Jennifer Lewis in a recent interview, and she said we have to start with love. I would amend that slightly to say we need to lead with love. When you do things from the kindness of your heart because it makes you feel good, and because you want to enrich someone else, it lands with the intended punch. When we as a community can love each other despite the skin tone, wealth gap, and education gap we are better as a collective. It disappoints me to see so many of us in conflict with each other because of the foolish and outlandish divides. We don’t collaborate enough, and we fail to do sufficient outreach. We are so strong minded in our belief of things we won’t accept views and perspectives that are healthy and natural alternatives. Stand on your beliefs always yet be open to receiving another view that has just as much logical reality as yours. More than one thing can be true at a time, and we keep missing that point.

African communities throughout history had been known for fierce loyalty and tribalism to be sure, but they were also known for community and providing for the whole and less fortunate as well. There was always the desire for growth, success and advancement, yet there was also the need to remember from where you came and promote the village not just yourself. In Black culture we’ve been so fixated on “equality” that we lose sight of the community and the ties that bind. We are so short sighted on financial stability, that lose track of the emotional, mental stability that is also needed. Don’t just teach financial literacy, teach mental, emotional, spiritual literacy. Teach how to manage relationships and how to build them. Display the ability to find common ground amongst differences. Community helps to provide that sense of belonging and acceptance. It promotes healthy, strong bonds. We need to embrace all of these things and once we do, maybe we can heal and truly reach the promise that King, Malcolm and others talked about.

Love and respect

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Heart Chronicles – The Evolution of Self

Being mistreated, talked about, abused and ashamed can have a lasting effect on you as a person. It affects your mental health, your emotional well-being, and your physical fitness. So many times, when you struggle with your self-esteem it doesn’t take too much to throw you off. Whether it be family, or friends, lovers or just fuck buddies, and even the occasional opp that just wants to see you doing bad, the words, and actions of others can impact how you feel and see yourself. Gathering that understanding that you are who you are, and that you are grade A quality is something that’s either instilled in your early on, or you learn it for yourself through time, trials, and bullshit that happens. For me, it was the combination of it all that helped me get to the point of today.

The honest truth about me is that I’ve struggled with my self-confidence for years. Regardless of how many times I’ve been told I’m attractive, or my body looks good, I am much more easily rattled by the insults, or the putdowns than I am reassured by the compliments. The actions of people mentally, emotionally, or physically abusing me have left scars and damage that is still being healed. I didn’t receive enough support and reassurance earlier in my youth and young adulthood to properly know how to disregard and ignore the fuck people. I think, more than anything, the fact it came from those who were supposed to be my biggest support, lovers, family and even close friends, it stings a lot more. It hovers over you even longer, because you didn’t that the friendly fire would come.

As time passes and I’ve truly had time to learn myself more, I don’t feel the need to prove myself to anyone anymore. Yes, I get nerves and have thoughts creep into my mind about my qualifications for things in my life, be it personal or professional. Most times, I reassure myself that I am that guy. The more I feel reassured within myself, and no lie, the more those I care about give my flowers, the more I evolve into that man I know that I’ve always been. It’s taken a lot of tears and dark days to get to this point. I used to think that in order to be seen as legit and A1, you had to have it all together. Job, car, place, money, looks. As I’ve evolved in life, having a combination of those things are more than enough. The truth is that when you start with you and you grinding on your come up, everything else is always magnified in your favor. You can simply do nothing at all, and it will be enough because what you’re currently doing is plenty. Catch that if you understand.

The crazy thing is even in my evolution I still feel the nerves and have the shreds of doubt linger in my mind. I still question myself at times, wondering if I’m really good enough for some of the interactions I have and for some of the accomplishments that I achieve. I at times struggle accepting my flowers, because I fear the other shoe dropping, but I’ll talk in conversation about how it’s the other shoe that drops, it’s just reality and the challenges that comes along. Yet, I listen to others as we talk, and I marvel at how resolute they are within themselves. I’m amazed at how grounded they are in themselves, how the belief in who they are, and their character overpowers the negativity and critiques that come at them. Younger, older, same age grouping, that determined belief in themselves is something that I still yearn too fully master. Not on the part-time basis that I do now, but on a full-time level that I see others on. I am believer though, that when you surround yourself with that kind of company, if you are in tune with energy and the vibes, it can’t help but to rub off on you.

My story of evolution is one that I’m sure is familiar to many. You go through things, you learn shit, you fail, you succeed and all the while you’re building yourself. Believing in yourself will always start with you, but truly it begins with those who nurture you and start to instill those things inside you. Someone recently told me; they don’t care what anyone says about them that’s negative. They know who they are and what they are, and that’s all that matters. As long as they know the truth. It doesn’t hurt that physically they fit what almost anyone looks for in a guy, personality wise, they have the ideal mix of outgoing and fun, and reserved and quiet. Hearing that they like the way I move, made me smile, offered reassurance of the changes I’ve gone thru and yet, I was more satisfied with myself because the compliment came from me doing nothing at all, just being who I am, which is more than enough.