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The Masculine Complex

I’ve been wrestling for the past week or so with how to write this blog because I think that this dynamic could apply to most any state, however, this will focus on Atlanta, GA. I have struggled for so long to understand why is that everyone is in such a pressing urge to have this “Masculine” man when you’re gay. I can’t really wrap my mind around it.

Maybe I’ll break it down kinda like this. If you like the same sex and you’re a guy. That means you like to lay down with, cuddle, with, fuck and get your dick sucked by the same gender as you, there is already an element of Feminism attached to you. Oh, don’t get me wrong you can be big and strong and muscular and talk with a manish talk and like all the manly things, but don’t forget that the end of the night you want a man to please you.

Let me change the thought process a little and frame it like this. If you’re feminine I understand that you want someone who’s more manly than you because that’s your attraction, but do they have to be the stereotypical “Masculine” man? Essentially, the straight man wrapped in a gay mans body.

I can only imagine how defeating of the purpose it is to be an openly gay man and because you don’t watch all the manly sports, or do the manly things all the time or have the deep voice, that somehow you aren’t “Masculine enough”. I just would like for someone out there to help me understand what’s wrong with a man who knows he’s a man, but likes to embrace his entire self. I mean after all that’s why they decided to out themselves no?

Maybe I can shed a little on the situation. I tend to believe that everyone wants this “Masculine”, “Manish” man because that’s the flight of fancy in the  mind that so many gay bottoms like it. But the funny dynamic is that now you find many tops wanting the same thing and that makes me so baffled. Are you insecure wit yourself that you need another masculine presence to reinforce yourself?

Listen, I don’t knock anyone for wanting what they want, because we all have an ideal guy in mind that we want to date. The one who will compliment our personalities and lifestyles accordingly. But, I do think that in Atlanta there just seems to be this over eager feeling for a “Masculine”  man. You know if we recalibrated what we thought of as Masculine behavior, maybe it wouldn’t be soo bad.

But, that’s part of the issue with the craze. The guy has to look masculine, talk masculine, act masculine. Hell if they show any sign of an effeminate behavior immediately the person is dismissed. The truth is the guy that you just dismissed might the most masculine one you will find, but they just refuse to be boxed based on someone else’s image.

I think that we should stop trying to live in the boxes outlined for us. We should stop trying to look for the typical Masculine guy and find the guy that really fits you and has the dominant personality to match. Surprisingly to many, you might find that the guy that you dismissed because they didn’t act completely masculine, might be the one to do you exactly like you want them to.

It’s interesting too, because some folks I’ve talked to about this have seen the similar trend and laugh and mock those who think that the “Masculine” man is going to be prevalent in this city. The truth is you’re mostly likely to find a hybrid. One who carries himself with a dominant, masculine demeanor; but may have traits that are soft. And I would venture to guess that that those men will be some of the best ones to know.

Are you going to the find the traditional hard, masculine man..Yes! They exist and they’re out there without a doubt. But are you going to find them like fish in the Atlantic Ocean..No. Find yourself a good man who can give you all you need and most of what you want and I bet you will be truly happy.

What’s the message here? Accept people for who they are, stop trying to find the perfect box and expand yourself to a rectangle. You just find someone who will make you eternally happy.

 

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Racism vs Terrorism

You know I’ve been listening to the conversation being had this past week since the tragedies that occurred across America, and there’s narrative I’m coming away with from one side of the spectrum: The desire to use the word”Racist” to describe those dirty cops is damn near like pulling teeth. Yet, these are the same folks who want us to label an entire group of people Islamic Terrorists.

Indulge me for a minute because I’m going to be using the words of sorry ass Politicians who have the hateful rhetoric still and those who have risen above their dumb ass ideology and realized that there is a problem to prove a point.

Lets look at the ignorant, former New York City Mayor, Rudy G. and see what he’s said on the airwaves since the killings. His commentary is that the Black Lives Matter Movement is somehow inherently racist and that they’re the ones responsible for the violence against those Dallas officers and the protesters. If that ain’t some of the most ignorant shit I’ve ever heard.

Let’s move forward to the current New York City Police Commissioner, Commissioner Bratton. Now this dick had the audacity to say that Black mothers and fathers need to have a conversation with their sons to make sure they’re more respectful and nice to police. Sir, get the fuck outta here with that. Are you serious. Did he watch those videos? Did he see what happened with the others who were innocently killed?

The Texas Lt. Governor who said that Black Lives Matter protests were responsible for the deaths of the Police Officers, and went so far as to say that it was un-American for them to do what their doing, protesting for what they believe is right. Are you really trying to sell that bullshit to somebody?

There is no doubt that this country is still as divided as ever on the question of race because many on the Right don’t want to admit there is a problem. Or let me bring it home this way, many in the White Elite class that have no fucking clue as to what a Black person goes through, let alone a Black man. That’s where the problem starts, see no one wants to sit down and have the conversation.

Listen to the athletes, Serena Williams, the Minnesota Lynx basketball team, the President of the United States. There is truly a desire to bring people together and have the conversation on why Black America, and Latino America feel so isolated and unequal in America. It’s time to do two things: One, admit that Racism is still alive and well in this country and two, we must confront the dynamic of Racist Policemen.

The Right is quick to want to label ISIS as Islamic Terrorists, but they don’t want to bring the label of Racist Policemen to light. I’m also disappointed that more don’t want to admit that you have both good and bad cops and in so doing, that’s not being supportive to the Law Enforcement community, it’s actually trying to clean it up.

The Governor of Minnesota said if the man had been White the cop would not have killed him. There have been stories of off duty Black cops who say they fear for their safety in the areas they live if they’re not in uniform. What statement does that make? Let’s be very clear the overwhelming majority of Cops are amazing and do their jobs without blinking an eye. But, there are those that takes the law into their own hands and feels no sense of accountability because the Justice System doesn’t punish them.

America, we must wake up to save our country or there will be no country. We are dangerously close to losing our peace to this debate about Race and Police brutality. The world is watching what we do, and those people are paying attention to see if we can offer solutions. Let’s tamp down the heated rhetoric, let’s slide back on the labels and lets get real and talk.

By the way, President Obama is about to have a National forum on this tomorrow night on live television. Bringing together all cross sections, Sports, regular folks, the media and the Police. Many other cities across the country are doing the same thing. It’s time America, let’s talk to each other and not at each other. Let’s try to understand one another and not ostracize one another. Healing comes with communication. It’s time to heal.

#PoliceLivesMatter #BrownLivesMatter #BlackMenMatter #Healing #Peace #Justice

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A Nation On The Brink

What we’ve been watching the past week has been a nation that is close to going over the edge. As I’ve heard political leaders, party enthusiasts and law enforcement talk about what’s going on I’m reminded that we are truly a divided nation. What I’ve seen and heard has been a tragedy and if we’re not careful, we about to see the tension bubble bust, and it’s going to unleash violence unlike anything seen before.

The Governor of the State of Minnesota said on national t.v. the other night that if the man stopped would have been a White man, instead of a Black man, he didn’t believe that he would’ve been shot and killed. He even went so far as to say that racism is still alive and very present in this country. Conversely, after last night’s deadly attack in Dallas, Texas, the states Lt. Governor said that the reason the violent outburst happened was because of the Black Lives Matter movement. He said that people expressing their discontent with the crookedness of the system and of some cops was the reason.

We hear the Political right dumb asses, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin, talking about the Black Lives Matter organization are terrorists and inciting the violence against the police. How fucking dumb can you really be. But I guess when you’re as stupid as Palin and as self absorbed as Limbaugh, you say what you want because there’s a section of the American public that will believe that shit.

You wonder why we’re at the dangerous tipping point? Maybe we need to realize that there is truly a national conversation that needs to be had. We need to talk about the racial tensions and discomfort. We need to talk about the injustice and disproportionate violence against Black people in relation to our White counterparts. We need to talk about how there is still an oppression of the Black community. How we are still very marginalized and picked over for job opportunities.

We need to have the conversation about how when Black folks are murdered by those crooked cops, the first response is well what did they do wrong, or why did they resist. It’s time to talk about all of these topics because the marginalization of the African American community is reaching it’s limits, and a repeat of 1968 may be closer than we realize.

After all of the rash of murders and killings there have been protests. After Mike Brown, Tamir Rice, Freddie Gray, Eric Gardner, and both murders this week, protests. But the truth is after those murders what happens? The answer is nothing. We go back to fighting to have the discussion. The White elite class in this country has doubled down. The White prejudiced class in this country has risen up and we are at a very dangerous point.

Lets talk to our Political leaders too. Donald Trump and your Republican Party need to really dial it back. You talk about going back to the days of civil policing of themselves. We hear talks of building walls, deporting millions, blocking millions from entering the country. We hear how disgusting and disrespectful the tone is towards the nations only Black President and First Lady.

To show you that I’m current in the moment, in my city right now, Atlanta, GA, were are experiencing a protest that could become violent and completely distort the purpose for the movement. We don’t need to have another display of peaceful protesting turn violent because we’re trying to make a point. The point can be made by making your voice heard, protesting and then letting the next day come to do it again.

Please Atlanta, New York, Dallas and everywhere else, don’t let this truly become the tip over point. Hold together, band together and become one voice and one body. Man when I tell you that the moment is coming in America when we have to face the reality that we are in need of change. God America we need to discuss the issues. We need to find solutions and we need to make change a reality.

We must understand that violence begetting violence is not the solution, rather it is another problem that damages the good will of those trying to make things better. I know that there is outrage and believe me, in all my discussions I’ve had I’ve been very adamant and vocal about my disdain and in some cases, hate for the senseless killing and bull shit we see in this country. But please know I don’t think this is the answer.

Make your position known. Make your voice heard. Get arrested in a civil stand. Do what you think in a safe manner that you need to in order to make the point. But remember the more dangerous and violent you get with it, the more you lessen the message. It’s time to be smart and realize that we need to use our voice, money and might to affect change.

Big ups to TIP and all the other folks who are taking themselves into the movement, one nation one fight. I want everyone to realize that this is how we take our country back. One protest, one rally, one movement, one sit in, one boycott at a time. Hold our dollars, hold our support and change will come. America, tell the Politicians we want change. Tell big business we want change.

#BlackMenMatter #ViolenceWon’tWork #PeacefulProtest #ATLPride

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Anerica’s Racial Stain

Once again Americans are out in the streets protesting the senseless, tragic, bombastic, and God-like killing of two innocent, unarmed Black men in the past 48 hours. One in Louisiana, an animalistic style killing; and the other in Minnesota, a cop taking life in his hands and killing a man who open admitted he was licensed to carry and was reaching to get his wallet as instructed.

The details of both killings are sickening and damn right inhumane. We keeping hearing there is outrage and disgust. We keep hearing how things need to change, but the truth is there is change. The change is that the crooked and corrupt cops, which are not all of them, are destroying any confidence that people have in them. See for each picture we see of cops helping people and playing ball in the neighborhood, we get these situations.

Mike Brown, Freddie Gray, Eric Gardner, the list goes on and on and on. We keep adding young, Black men to the number shot dead by White cops and just Cops in general. Why is it that there is a small minority of officers who feel that they’re Gods? Maybe part of the problem is that the so-called Justice system is really only designed to make regular Americans pay, not those that swear an oath.

Maybe part of the problem is that no one wants to accept that there really needs to be oversight for law enforcement officials. Yes it’s very true that all lives do matter, because I’m not going to separate a life taken. But let me be very, very clear when I say that Damn it Black Lives Matter! More important Black Male Lives Matter.

I’m so sick and tired of seeing cops decide when they wanna take our lives because they know they can get autonomy. I’m tired of people thinking that just because we are a minority that we don’t deserve equal treatment under the damn law. Why is it that the amount of violence towards Black people by police is on the rise? No can explain that shit huh?

Maybe it’s time that we put some financial pressure on these communities by not freely spending our dollars. Maybe we need to truly show solidarity and stop being mad for the moment and lets build a coalition that will sustain a movement. It is time that we as a people realize that in order to truly affect change we have to go after the things that mean the most. Money!

When the LGBT community wanted to assert itself into the picture you saw a financial element, an organization element that made those in power pay attention. We wouldn’t settle for second class citizen status. The Black community needs to come together and stop beating each other up.

We need to stop being sideline cause supports, and become full participants. It’s nice to post a status or two on social media talking about the issues and the cause. But the question is what are you doing to help the cause? Are you trying to “each one, teach one?” Translation: are you trying to help your young, black people who are out here struggling? Are you trying to set the example and make sure that you are in tune with the movement?

Stand up damn it. Stop waiting for a celebrity to take the first step. Stop waiting for someone else to organize. Gather your friends, and let them gather their friends, who gather their friends and before you know it, you have a ground swell, and a movement that will take you somewhere special. Come on America we need to take a stand.

#TheCause #BlackMen

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A Swift Transition

It’s funny that my pastor touched today on transition in life, because I’ve been deep in thought over my upcoming transitions and the ones that I’ve already gone through. It’s amazing to sit and look back at who I was 6 plus years ago when I made my return to this state and the man I’ve transitioned to today.

Subsequently, it’s been very humbling as well, to see how the relationships I’ve had have transitioned over the years as well. Both long and short term relationships have changed so much. I think it’s really hard for people to accept that transitions have to happen because we associate negativity with transition so many times, when in truth that’s not always the case.

We look at the transition in relationship status from taken to single. We take the transition of losing a job and the transition of losing a loved one as a negative or a loss. Maybe the problem is we need to reinterpret how we look at it. Transitions mean to cross over. Well if you’re relationship status is crossing over to single, maybe it’s a good thing, because while you loved that person, it clearly wasn’t a healthy situation.

If you’re fired from a job it hurts, if you quit for another one your happy, but there is still a transition. And you have to take the same lens, in saying that both provide you the opportunity to cross over into a new arena of professional development and growth. If you lose a loved one who transitions or your family transitions, you have to realize that you’re crossing over into a new situation that requires some development.

Transitions in life happen all the time. Whether we like it or not, and most of us rebel against these changes in life. Either because it causes us to cut folks off, change how we do things, move into a different place, space or situation. We have to remember that many times we will go through our transitions alone and without someone to hold our hand. Accept it and move on.

If the relationship fails, let your bitterness go before you get into your transition because it will only affect you and the one who comes after that relationship ends. If you leave a job, let the bitterness go when you walk out the door, don’t let your new employer pay for the old employers shit. No matter what, walk into your transition with a positive mind because you’re only being directed to your next great come up.

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A Fathers Dilemma

We are just removed from celebrating the fathers across the world for yet another year. For me, it’s my 11th such honor to be called a father and it feels like yesterday that I came into this position. No, I’ve yet to father any children biologically, but those of you out there that are surrogate parents, step-parents, true foster parents and so on, know that once you have that bond it doesn’t matter if you created the or not, you’re their parent.

I can remember back 11 years to when I first started this journey. I can remember thinking how the hell am I going to be able to give that type of influence to someone at just 21 years old. What was I going to do, how was I going to impart wisdom. And truthfully I’ve made many mistakes along the way fathering the 13 people that have come under my guidance.

I haven’t always done things the way that maybe they should have been done, but I’ve always believed that my decisions and efforts have been to protect those that I can son/daughter, and I’m proud of all the choices that I made. But you know that’s where the difficulty of being a father comes in.

Yes we all know that mothers get the glitz and glam of the honorary day. Because they carried you inside them. They nurtured you while you were inside them. They nurture you when come out and they comfort you when the father has to scold you and discipline you. If there is no father present then mother takes both roles so she has to give you tough love and comforting love.

For most fathers they are there to mostly be the stern parent. They are the one that you don’t want called up to school if you do something wrong. They’re often the parent that you go to when you want something because you know mom is gone make you go to him. Dad is the one who protects you when you go on first date, ladies. And young men, dad is the one who tells you how you should treat the girl.

But where a father struggles most is when he has to make choices when there are multiple kids involved. When he has to choose between standing firm and being consistent, but also protecting the younger child from their older, more freed siblings. He loves them both and wants the best for them both, but he knows when to step in and the result is never what he wants the outcome to be.

If you’re the father of gay children, and you’re gay yourself, you want to make sure that you provide the example that you want your kids to imitate. You show them the type of man that you hope they go after and wind up spending their lives with at some point. You make yourself vulnerable to the things you did and the mistakes you made, so you can hopefully prevent them from making the same mistakes.

The role of a father is not easy. Because you will always be that benchmark for someone or many someones. Man do I know how hard it is to be a father, because along the way I’ve made a lot of my children mad with the decisions I made. But, I look at the people they’ve become and I’m so proud because they’ve all grown up to become wonderful people. They fight their way through adversity and they never give up. All of them have pieces of me in them and it makes an eternally proud parent.

So my final thought on this is, never be afraid to talk to your kids about the things you’ve done, both good and bad. Because it will give them prospective and allow them to feel peace with making mistakes but give them comfort knowing that they can overcome. Being a father is a challenge, but it’s one that I’ve enjoyed with great fervor.

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Look In The Mirror

What I’ve commonly began to learn about people is that not many really have the ability to look themselves in the mirror without being forced to do so. I think that one of the greatest problems of our generation is being current with our lives and the ability to be alone with ourselves to bring about change.

You know many people love to tell me that I’m mean, or evil. That I’m a bitch or an asshole. I hear how much I’m stubborn and stuck in the way I see it. The list can go on and on about my negatives that I’m constantly told about. Yet, when the shit drops I hear how loyal I am, how much I truly go out my way to help someone. Maybe the truth is that I can be all of these things because while I’m going be the former to protect myself, I’m also the latter because I gotta look at myself every day.

Make no mistake about it, I think we would be a better people if instead of pointing the finger at someone else all the time when things go wrong, we stop and evaluate ourselves first and acknowledge that we had some part of the failure too. You know I get so tired of hearing or seeing people say they’re going back to their old way, like that shit was any better.

The truth is if your old ways were so damn good, you wouldn’t have tried to change them in the first place. What happens most times is that we try something out for a brief moment thinking that it’s going to yield instant results, and when it doesn’t we give up too quickly and run back to what we know. Which means we’re not really looking in the mirror and certainly not trying to grow.

I would implore folks to stop trying to dictate change and let the changes we need to make take the time it requires to become realized. I often wonder why it is we think that changing ourselves happens overnight, when we spent years becoming that kinda person. Changes need months, years to become reality, and when it gets hard isn’t the time to abandon those efforts, that’s when you double down and really give your all because the payoff is coming.

My hope to anyone who reads this, is that if you’re struggling with the ability to look yourself in the mirror, you realize that doing so only brings clarity to your life. It helps you grow and it will allow you to more quickly get over the pitfalls of failed endeavors in your life.

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A Final Farewell

As America has wrestled again with the debate about gun safety and the vulnerability of the LGBT community, I’ve sat and been arrested by the disgusting and divisive language coming from the pulpits across America. I’ve been extremely disappointed that many on the “Christian” Right, are still using hate filled interpretations of the Bible to condemn the victims in Orlando. And for a few extreme preachers, going so far as to want God to kill the victims that survived with injuries.

If there was ever a time to abandon being a Christian it could be now. When so many are so bound to the outdated and ill-conceived notions in the bible to crucify a group of people that are already marginalized because of who we are. But, you know I take solace in the fact that churches like mines, Tabernacle Baptist Church, and other affirming churches and inclusive churches across this country are preaching messages of love and compassion for those who lost loved ones.

That tragedy hits so close to home for me because Orlando use to be my home. I’ve been in that night club before on a Saturday night at 2a.m. and God knows the last thing on my damn mind was being shot up by whatever the fuck they wanna call that asshole. I struggle to understand why when things happen to certain groups of people, instead of everyone rallying around to support that group of folks, it exposes the underlying prejudices that remain in certain circles.

I’m tired of hearing some people say that they’re tired of hearing about that massacre. I guess if it’s not affecting them directly they don’t care. They would rather be as bitter as they can be because their lives are miserable, so they don’t care or can’t empathize with those families. But, I bet if happened to their loves ones, they’re the first who want someone to understand their pain.

Thank you to those who refused to leave friends and family behind in that club and sadly lost your life. Thank you to those businesses that have stuck their necks out to pay tributes to, raise money for those victims. So many have rallied around this tragedy to bring another awareness to gun violence and extreme prejudices.

Thank you to all those who really are trying to make the conversation a lasting one. Orlando will not be left alone in their time of sorrow and the world will never forget this horrible tragedy. Stand strong and stand proud.

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Deception Doesn’t Pay Off

I was in church today and my pastor said something that verified exactly what I’ve always thought: “Deception in a relationship doesn’t work”. When you lie to the one you’re suppose to be with, it doesn’t protect the relationship, it actually sets the groundwork for cracks in the foundation, which leads to failure.

One must realize that the old saying that you lie to protect those you love, is definitely misleading. Maybe, you keep certain things from them so that they don’t have to be concerned with things that might be harmful, but to purposefully lie or be deceptive about who you are is not helpful.

I think people do it to try and manipulate a situation or individual. There is control in deception, because as long as someone doesn’t know who you truly are, or what you’re truly all about, then there is the opportunity to frame the narrative the way you want it to be.

The only problem with that is usually the reason for the deception is to hide those shadows, or skeletons that you don’t want to be known about. And you know, I guess if you got the money or enough time you can make them disappear without them actually being handled, but I find it to be that those skeletons rear their ugly head when you’re least prepared for them to.

It also leads me to one of my next thoughts, maybe instead of having to be deceptive about the negative choices you made, you might want to think about the choice before you make it. That way you won’t feel so embarrassed as to not to want to tell the truth about your past.

Maybe we should also remember that the past is also just that. Many people have done things in their past that they aren’t proud of, and as long as they’ve moved on from those things nobody should never try to convict them of things they’ve done in the past. I believe sometimes that people hide in the dark because they don’t want their demons to come into the light and be convicted of them.

Here is my solution: everybody mind your own damn business and stop tryna worry about people’s past. And those who have a past, don’t feel so ashamed, we all do things, make mistakes and learn. Let the light shine on it and grow. Help someone else to prevent them from that situation you were in. Maybe then the deception that people feel the need to display can fade away and we call be our own authentic selves.

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Orlando Pride

Once again we’re faced with a horrible, disgusting, senseless, hateful tragedy in America. A ISIS supporter, homophobic ass hole decided that he was gone take lives in his hands and shoot up a landmark Gay Club in Orlando, Florida in the wee hours of the morning.

It’s been said that the motive for this massacre was him seeing two gay men kissing while on vacation in Miami with his family. To this I say, Bullshit! and Fuck you! You are the kind of person that makes this country less safe and that terrorists around the world seek and applaud.

You decided that what you thought was correct was sufficient reason to go into this night club and take 50 lives, injuring another 53. And like the bitch you are, you allowed yourself to be killed rather than have this sit on your conscious, you sorry coward. I’m so sick and tired of seeing people kill in the name of hate.

You kill because you hate a religion, you kill because you hate a cultural group of people, you kill because you hate yourself. Whatever the damn reason I’m just sick and tired of the senseless, hate-filled killings. You can’t go anywhere these days and be safe can you? Church, school, the church, the club, the movies, no damn where.

As a former resident of Orlando, I have visited that club many times before and never before did I have a concern that I something like this would happen. It just goes to show how crazy people are. One thing I do know though, is that that city is extremely resilient and the people there will bounce back from this devastating event.

The one thing I do know is that no matter what, we need to get these Assault Weapons off the fucking streets. I’m tired of watching these stories and it’s always someone with an assault rifle. What the fuck do we need these for? Let’s make a change, if not for the sake of the 103 people affected, then by an entire Community in mourning.

Stand with Orlando, stand with the LGBT Community and damn it, stand for peace and removal of these heinous Assault Weapons. Guns are fine, but these assault weapons are killers, especially in the hands of those who mean people harm. #Pulse #Orlando #United