love

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Heart Chronicles

One of the hardest things to do is to recover from a relationship without closure. I think that when you have so many questions that aren’t answered and you have no true reason as to why things ended so abruptly, it makes you examine and over examine things to try to find the solution. It creates the constant state of uncertainty. It makes you not sure of yourself from a compatibility stand point. I say that because if you don’t really know why someone chose to leave a situation that didn’t have any obvious or clear issues, you know that there was some underlying issue at play. You just aren’t sure if it was you or the other person that really caused that issue to exist. You wonder what you did or said that may have triggered something that caused them say the can’t continue further.

It leaves you with a sense of turmoil and a lack of understanding. You frequently question yourself when you have time alone to yourself to think about what happened. There is no way to resolve those questions within a short period of time. You have to let your mind wonder, if only to find its own answers that can be logical enough for you accept it as reality and allow you to move forward the best that you can. But, this usually also results in you feeling sort of bland about yourself. Yes, it’s possible that you could convince yourself that it wasn’t anything you did, that it was all about the other person. Other times, and more likely, you find yourself wondering if it was a con job. Were you being played, just so that they could achieve whatever goal they had in their mind.

It is often the second scenario that causes the most heart ache and disappointment. I am willing to bet that in that scenario, both of you expressed your love for each other, planned to build life together, considered yourselves to be likeminded souls who were yearning for that person that would understand you and be ready to grow together. You’re left feeling abandoned and alone. It really doesn’t matter if you have others who are trying to pursue you after this failure. You don’t really want to have their affection and you aren’t wanting to return the energy they are putting out. What you really want is just have time to yourself to wallow, but you aren’t able to do that because you know that you can’t afford to shut down.

If you are someone who relates to this, I can only offer you this kind of advice: Allow your mind the freedom to roam and reflect on all that has happened. Allow your emotions to bubble up to the surface and display themselves. But do not sit and wallow in your pain for too long. Use your coping mechanisms to overcome this situation. If you love music, listen to songs that will allow you to shed the tears you wish to shed and also to begin to rebuild you and encourage you thru the process. Don’t feel obligated to share the details of your breakup with anybody. Don’t feel pressure to discuss that person at all. Take time to heal as much as you need before you decide to talk about any of this. Involving too many people will only make it worse for yourself. In time you will be able to express as much or as little of it as you wish to those around you.

Depending on how deeply involved you were with this person you will have a shorter or longer recovery period. Depending on how much of yourself you put into the relationship, you will have longer moments of grief and disbelief. Only time will be able to resolve the conflict that roars within you. The answers that you’re looking for will only come as time passes and hopefully you still let yourself be open to love so you can see why you had to go through that situation in order to prepare you for the next one or the one after that. Don’t allow this to completely destroy you or discourage you from wanting to date and have love again. Some day someone will come along who will truly appreciate you for you and will want you for you.

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Rising Phoneix

If you are familiar with the metaphorical Phoenix, then you understand that to be called a Phoenix is both a blessing and a curse. This post strips away the physical form of this beautiful creature and focuses on the characteristics and how they apply to the human self and how it is impacted. From my point of view the Phoenix being has great strength and passion. A love that burns bright and pure. They give of themselves unapologetically, and yet is often taken for granted and mistreated. They are underappreciated and not given their flowers until after they’ve moved on from those that have damaged them. They and others marvel at their ability to recover and rebuild from devastation and hurt. It can often times create a twisted addiction to the thrill and flame out, but eventually that strength becomes it’s weakness. That fire burns too bright and too long and they just can’t take anymore. Causing another beautiful soul to turn black and either wither away or retreat into a more introverted way of being.

I think that the general guiding premise for the Phoenix like personality, is that you are at the core a pure soul. You have intentions that are only good. You love with clear and vibrant passion. You have an energy and fire about you that is contagious and unmistakable. People often gravitate towards you, but also away from you because your fire is bright and almost always positive. That keeps away those who seek to have you toiling in their negativity. It is something that leaves you prone to being more alone at times because your strength of character doesn’t allow you to be manipulated easily into wrong doing. Or contributing to unsuccessful behavior. Your strength of purpose and resolve makes others envious at times and that also creates a void of friends. Usually that means when you truly make genuine friendships, they last a long time.

The weakness though of the type of individual is a part of their strength. The power of their flame can be used against them. The actions and doings of others impacts the Phoenix person greatly. So imagine that someone is able to get close to you and then abuses you. Takes advantage of the loving and kind and generous nature that you operate from. Once you have removed the rose hue that you look at them with, it is innate within you to now defend yourself from that. But, when it’s someone that you love and care for deeply, you struggle to use that flame to properly extinguish them. Instead you let your blue flame burn enough to shield you, while still being impacted by that negative red flame. It creates a pain that tolerate because you have the strength to withstand it. But the question is for how long and at what cost?

How long will you let that person affect you and how much are you willing to pay in order to let this happen. Are you willing to lose your career, health, internal peace, external happiness and all the possessions that you have worked for, all in the name of loving someone? All because you know that deep down, once you truly activate that Phoenix spirit and character within, you will rise again from the destruction, battered but intact. But the question is how intact are you? Are you losing pieces of yourself every time you have to rise again from the proverbial grave? And then it prompts me to think about the concept that’s presented in one of the mythical stories about the Phoenix bird. That after time, the animal grew tired of living eternally and always being able to reprise itself after flaming out and burning. So it eventually gave up that eternal rebirth and allow itself to be extinguished.

My take on the human characteristic of the Phoenix is that there comes a time when that Phoenix within has had enough. It can’t take the burning flames any longer. It doesn’t have the same energy to give and it eventually gives up. This of course, is if that person isn’t able to find what their inner Phoenix really wants. Someone to tame that flame. To love them and care for them as passionately as they do. Give their full effort and energy so the inner Phoenix doesn’t feel the need to be ignited and burning all the time. When this occurs, it is my belief that then that inner Phoenix can survive, recharge and be prepared should it need to be activated again for a prolonged period of time.

I don’t believe that everyone has an inner Phoenix or better yet, is a Phoenix. It is given to select people, but it’s not hard to detect. Primarily because that energy radiates off the person. It can always be felt. They have a constant warmth to their body because the energy from the fire burns strong. If you are one of these people, let that Phoenix protect you as much as it can, but also be open to letting someone ease that flame, just be careful who you select. If you are the person that gets to be with someone who has this Phoenix quality, understand they are special and will be unlike any person before or after them.

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Broken Vessel

I have tried numerous times over the years to impress upon people how important it is for there to be open communication and total truth within your relationship. Those are two of the most important elements that must be present, along with love, passion and togetherness, in order a relationship to have the success it deserves. When these elements are missing, it creates a tension that has to be alleviated by talking out the issue to resolve the situation and restore the full circle of the relationship. It defies my understanding why someone would choose not to be open and honest with their partner when there has always been established communications lines that have allowed for sharing of deep personal secrets and addressing of the issues.

Let me explain and let me help you understand why the “avoid confrontation” type is harmful to a healthy relationship. If you have built a solid foundation for your relationship, most likely you and your partner have established solid lines of communication. That means you guys can talk about the fun and entertaining things, as well as the more serious and complicated issues that may arise. If this is in place, it would be very unsettling if one of you decided to up and leave without warning, without explanation and void of conflict that is threating to your relationship. Enter, the “averse to conflict” type individual here. It has become my belief that the person who says they don’t like conflict within their relationship, is someone who isn’t mentally mature to handle the complex dynamics of a relationship. They are also a huge threat to the peace within that you create for yourself.

It has always been my belief that all relationships need a healthy dose of conflict resolution. The conflicts are the things that let you see the type of person you’re embarking on your journey with. It lets you know if you have a quitter, or someone who is more a support type or someone who is a lead Alpha and wants to make sure they can address anything head on to make things better. Either way, conflict resolution takes two to create the conflict and two to resolve such issue. It means that both parties are engaged and ready to work through the issues, and it also means that there is an honesty and openness discussing the situations. If you are the person who says you are “conflict averse” then you are the threat to this resolution being successful.

The person who wants to avoid conflict, is one who on the norm, will be open and honest about everything else within the relationship. They will be willing to tell you the things that are deeply personal about them. They will communicate their likes and dislikes. Sexually you guys can have a very satisfying sex life and have the intimacy you desire. They are flexible and willing to be compromise. But, be warned, when there is conflict that they can’t easily handle, or when their way isn’t the way accepted going forward, the end result will likely be a removal of themselves from the relationship, not a solution to the problem. This characterization is not meant to encompass all people who have this type of character, because we all know people are different. It is a generalized premise, but I can tell you it has more factual following than not. And people who are Type A lite personalities will fall into this category more often than not.

Unfortunately I recently had to go through this exact situation and the results left this vessel broken. It was the vile and nasty way in which the situation was handled. It to me was uncaring and unempathetic. It reeked of selfishness and self gratification. I would have never thought that someone would have such a callous game plan that they would build up all this good will and “love”, only to destroy all of it in the blink of an eye. This with no warning or explanation. No rationale given, no conversation had to gain understanding or resolution before simply bolting at the first opportunity presented. To be clear things were being portrayed as rosy and well. Communications had were preparing for the future, planning date nights and a impending move within the next couple months. All of it flushed in a matter of an hour.

When you are already questioning yourself because of things prior that you are still resolving internally, to have a lover briskly remove themselves, with no warning is jarring and damaging. Hell if all was right within you, something like this would leave you shaken. But when it something that was a year and half in the building and the open dialog happened without effort, it leaves you questioning what really was going on/ How long had the plan been to exit stage left. It makes you wonder if they were faithful to you the whole time, It puts the spotlight on you, rather than where it should be. On the person who did such a cowardly, fuck nigga thing. It creates so much hurt and anger. Not being able to establish any level of closure, because you don’t know why and you don’t know where they are in order to close the book. So you have to sit with lingering questions, a damaged heart and a broken vessel.

If you know that you’re someone who isn’t good at conflict resolution, try talking to your partner before you just walk out on them. Give it a chance to work. Maybe you will find that you are better at resolving conflict that you thought you were. Conflict is character building and relationship building. You grow stronger together when you face a challenge and overcome it as a unit, rather than trying to handle it all by yourself, or completely removing yourself all together as a means to avoid challenge or critique. None of us are perfect. None of us have all the answers, Therefore, we need to be challenged and opened up to other ways of thinking that are positive and helpful because they help us grow as people.

I never thought that I would go through this because I pride myself on being an open and honest listener and communicator. I always aim to make sure my partner is comfortable and feels comfortable talking to me about anything at any time. I know men have a hard time, sometimes, expressing those things that emotional or complex, but if you want to have a healthy and lasting relationship, you have to learn how to do so. Lean on your lover and let them help guide you until you find your own footing, That is part of the reason that you’re with someone. To share the journey of life together, to learn and grow from and with each other. Sadly that didn’t happen here. Instead it all now feels fake and contrived. The worst part is I don’t get the chance to ask why and have my questions answered. You left without a trace, only a sticky note with no explanation, just an I’m sorry. It feels like the final straw. The blow that breaks the bow. Who resurfaces from this, I don’t know, but definitely not the person I know inside.

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Heart Chronciles

I am a firm believer that once people begin to consistently show you the signs of who they intend to be in your relationship, you have three options in my opinion. You can accept what you’re shown and adjust accordingly, you can attempt to make them bend towards the characteristics you prefer, or you can have a conversation if what you are seeing is different than the words you have heard and are hearing to get an understanding of why, to see if there is room for growth and flexibility or if the situation is going to not resolve itself and and because the person you actually are with isn’t who they talked about being. For me I have taken all three approaches in the past and with varying degrees of success.

I’m sure that there are many people out there who can relate to a situation/subject like this one. One where you have a person that is a good person and for the most part they fit with you on a relationship level, but you feel that something just doesn’t feel quite right. You get the feeling that while they’re a good fit, they aren’t the fit that you know it should be. You have questions as to whether you need more time for each of you to grow together and maybe for some of the personal challenges or both of you are going through to subside, or is it a case of a person hyping themselves up and they aren’t able to be who they told you they were and you need to decide if you want to stay in something that doesn’t make you fully happy and satisfied. It is complicated by the fact that earlier in the relationship you saw almost off the things that you were told you would see, so you know that it’s inside the person. The question is what changed that holds them back now?

It is my belief that when time starts to pass and you start to see someone change in a significant way, you have to allow them time to reverse that trend, if nothing occurred between the two of you, before you just bring the conversation to the table. That way when you do have the heart to heart that will be needed there won’t be room for just give time. I think that line is one that is a crutch used far too often and it’s one that is so subjective. Honestly when someone says that, how much time are they wanting you to give them? The truth is that time itself, the noun form is infinite. Time doesn’t end, but time the adjective form used to describe what we have on this Earth is small and wasting it isn’t fair. It can be a rather selfish ask if you know that you won’t have the situation or issues worked out in short order.

It is my belief that people often will find someone they know can be their security blanket or their crutch in some fashion if they’re trying to rebuild a portion or all of themselves. It too is a selfish move and one that can cause resentment on the other persons behalf. if they figure out that they’re being used as more of a rebound or a regroup instead of really trying to be immersed in a relationship wholly independent of the past, building towards a strong present and even stronger future. In too many circumstances a person will want to use the words they’ve said as their support that they want you or use past actions that aren’t relevant to current dynamics in order to show that they want something. Forgetting that action isn’t just past tense thing, it very much so is present and as actions change feelings change with it. It is this dynamic that most skip when discussing how a relationship breaks down that could provide the clarity and the evidence that shuts down a retort of see what I did in the past.

The outcomes of these types of relationships are wide spread and aren’t really predictable unless you see such a dramatic shift that you aren’t interested in what you see. One thing I don’t want and have never allowed myself to do is be in one of those relationships where you decide to split, and then days later or a week or two later, you reverse course for no real reason and keep going through the same shit over and over. I don’t think that’s fair to anybody. It traps you in something that is really making you more resentful to the person and you’re resenting yourself. Because in that scenario, there isn’t anybody getting what they really want. You want to see change and you want to have what you had but it isn’t coming and you’re settling because you fear starting over and not having someone. The worst reason ever to stay in a relationship with someone.

I favor the patient but decisive approach to things. Talk and be clear and direct about what you want and what the issues are at hand, give time for discussion to resonate and thoughts to be had and changes to be made, then make a decision after you feel that sufficient time has passed. Once you make it stand on it. People won’t take you seriously if you say you’re going to do something only to change your mind after you made a choice. It means that you can be easily influenced. If someone is really wanting you and they see you mean what you say, they will be willing to meet you half way on the situation. If you can’t accomplish this then I think you have to consider moving along in your life. Don’t let talk alone be the thing that holds you to someone.

There is nothing that makes a situation more confusing than someone being able to talk the best game in order to buy time, only to underperform and you’re right back where you started. It is a tactic used by many and it has worked for hundreds, if not thousands of years. It is because as people we want to hear things that make us feel good and reinforce what we think, but sometimes what we’re being told just isn’t accurate to the real happenings of the situation. In those cases you must move forward for your own sanity and future. I don’t think that anyone just talking about the future and growing old together should absolve them of having to show that’s what they really want. If you happen to be with someone like this be careful. What could be happening is trifold. One could be they really mean it and are working on themselves to make sure they can meet that rhetoric, two, they’re buying time because they know they can’t meet that talk but they don’t want to lose you, or three they’re just blowing smoke and if you are supporting them, you need to end that support.

This discussion has the potential to branch off into so many different directions and there is no one set blue print on how to present this situation, but one thing that should be present is you being as direct as you can. There isn’t time for you to sit by and just wait for time to wain away in your life. There can only be so much time that you can allow yourself to not receive the fullness of what you want.

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Have It Your Way

Are you someone who feels that you have to have things go your way majority of time, or almost always? If you are that person, can I ask you why you feel that the world must revolve around you and what you want? And yes to some degree I understand that it’s a little self deprecating because, most of like things to go our way, or rather we don’t want to do things if it doesn’t have some tangible benefit for us. But I also think that more often than not, people are willing to cede that their way won’t be the predominant way when dealing with people and the battle of wills I suppose you call it.

Truth is, I guess it’s possible to have always have things go your way if your will is strong enough that you make someone bend to your desires. But I don’t think that it’s healthy, nor do I think it’s fair. I believe that there should be give and take in things, especially when dealing with love and relationships and real friends. You have to be willing to not have control of everything all the time. I think that is a bit selfish and self serving. It can lead to a lot of loneliness and isolation. The fact is that people usually don’t to feel like they have no control over things beyond just themselves. We all like to think that we have a say so in things that go on with our friends, family, and lovers to some extent. Whether you do or not, I think is very important for your standing within these relationships.

I have always struggled with dealing with individuals who think that the world should revolve around them at all times. Typically this is because I’m the guy who believes that no one person is that important that all things should exist when they say or how they feel they should. We all have the right to control ourselves and what we do without someone feeling like they’re being slighted. It’s an important part of self love to understand that you are always in control of what you want to do with yourself and life. Things will happen beyond your control, but the people you place in your life and the choices you make about how you interact with them will remain something that you can dictate.

If you’re in a relationship with someone who feels that you don’t enough for them or you don’t make everything about them, you need to ask yourself is this what you really want. If you love them because they make you feel a certain kind of way, but their insistence on being the center is part of the deal, consider if that love is really worth keeping. Why? Because in this situation you will always be second, not equal always less than. It has to be that way in order for them to always get their way. If you’re a person that is satisfied with that then you’re in the right kind of relationship for yourself, but if you know that you like being put first sometimes, consider if you are with someone who is a match for you. I think you have to really drill down on this too. If you’re relationship is one sided to where one person is controlling the activities you do and if or when you have sex, then y’all need to talk. Make sure there is balance to where control feels more even and no so one sidede.

You have to remember that when you give that person the controlling hand to dictate terms all the time, you are essentially setting the terms for your relationship. Even relationships have negotiations and posturing for what will and will not be accepted. The way to discuss them has to be direct but not too harsh. If you’re okay with telling your to have it your way, then keep it as it is, but if you’re starting to feel uncomfortable or feeling as if things are only going as one partner sees it then you have to really re-evaluate how things are going. There needs to be a harmony between you two. Have it your way is a recipe for failure, if there isn’t clear communication involved. If you’re the person who is having it all their way, if your pressed about why it needs to be that way, be open to discussing and not just shutting down.

One thing that seems to be obvious to me is that many times when someone who is use to getting things their way is pushed to make changes, it causes friction. Because they don’t know how to accept change or don’t want to accept change because it doesn’t benefit them. Those of you who fit this description, tell me why do you buck so hard when confronted with this reality?

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Heart Chronicles

As the journey throughout life continues one thing that you will eventually reckon with is your decisions and how they affect you in the present life that you live. I don’t think it’s something that’s meant to be a negative but it’s something that will make you look deeper at yourself, before you look at the person you’re with, if you’re in a relationship. If you’re single, then it will make you evaluate your choices before or while you’re considering your next love. This thought process and evaluation is one that has no timetable and in fact, can take quite a while to sift through. It pulls together the emotional highs and lows that you feel or felt. It presents goals achieved and failed. It reminds you of the things you said you wanted and still have left to accomplish.

What it does, if you’re honest with yourself, is it makes you be patient with the process of growing yourself and having patience for the partner you share your life with as well. Now to be honest, patience is not something that I’ve ever been really good with on the whole. In relationships I tend to have a quick trigger to remove something that I think will not work, and at times I have overcompensated and been too patient in situations where I knew the right thing to do was to leave, but I didn’t want to appear to be a quitter so soon. It’s a challenge that I’m sure many people struggle with, not just myself. It’s something that I feel is a result of not giving enough time for healing and self reflection from past relationships before engaging in the next one.

What happens is that your mind starts to really dig deep into where you have been, what you have been through and what you really want from what you’re doing now and where you ultimately hope to go in the future. It makes you have reason to attempt to try things differently if you really want success, because if you know prior relationships failed attempting things a certain kind of way, it would benefit you to try to do things a little different. What you learn about yourself will be helpful, either to the person you’re with currently or the next person that you allow to enter your world if comes to that. It is the need to say that you are flexible and not sedentary. To me, the person who is open to change and willing to accept that they don’t have all the answers is a person that can navigate the uncertainty of the mind.

You know I was watching something that said you have to have patience in a relationship sometimes. While that wasn’t news or anything new or earth shattering, the comment after is what gave me pause and has really had me in more a reflective and learning state as of late. The comment was, sometimes if you can get over the discomfort and struggles in the relationship, that person will give the best time of your life. That is what stuck with me more than anything. It’s the concept that sometimes you really just have to have the patience to allow for all the edges to be smoothed out so that the two of you can have the harmony and desires that you want from each other.

Something that I think is often forgotten is when you decide to get into a relationship with someone, you really don’t know what’s going on in their world, if you aren’t connected to them prior to you dating. The thing is most times, the person you’re choosing to be with is someone that hasn’t been in your orbit prior to the beginning of the dating/relationship process. So just like you’re dealing with past things and working on being a better you in the present and the future, that person could be doing something similar. They most likely are in a different stage in the process than you and that’s something that the two of you have to manage as well. Maybe one could help the other progress or the two of you work together if you’re closer to each other in your rebirth process.

It honestly feel uncomfortable to not really know how you feel or think from day to day. What I mean by that is, when you have a solid grasp on things, there is a consistent thought process usually. You wake up wanting to further yourself in the goals that you’re working towards. But, when you’re in the middle of changing and growing your mindset isn’t stable. It’s more scattered and it’s definitely not confident in some of what it feels or thinks. This is when that patience needs to be practiced more than ever. Because when you’re in this state you question things really easily, and you’re more prone to make snap decisions to want to change things because you see it fitting in with what you feel in the moment. That moment can last for a day or two or three and you have to have the discipline to understand that you’re changing and something that’s stable needs to remain present.

It’s hard because even as I’ve been writing this my mind has wondered from being confident in the thoughts I have regarding relationships. There is disconnects sometimes between the physical self and the emotional self. I yearn for sex with my partner, but I also try to be patient and understand maybe he’s at a different stage in his process and he isn’t feeling the sexual tension because he isn’t satisfied with parts of his life and sex is an afterthought because of it. I challenge myself to stick with it and go through the wave of inconsistency hoping that things square up and improve. Desiring for things to become closer to how it was in the beginning. When the affection was obvious and the intimacy was consistent. Hoping that with a return of those things, the physical, sexual activity will increase and the balance will be set.

I have always said that when you take away any one of the critical areas in a relationship you hurt the balance and create tension. It creates a feelings of uneasiness because things or something is missing. When you aren’t able to have a full and complete relationship, it leads to feelings of neglect and unwantedness. This is something that needs to be treaded upon lightly in my view. It’s also something that at some point needs to be discussed. When you’re going through your own person changes and reviews, you want to feel that your relationship will provide a stability that you can rely on, but the fact that you have two people who are making adjustments can make that not be a reality.

Undoubtedly, I’m sure that this is something that has occurred to others. Surely, these are things that people work through daily. It’s something that can be an easy quick fix, or something that can take time to overcome. There are so many things that can become attached to this. Self esteem issues can become part of the dynamic and lack of appreciation thoughts become more prevalent. How you work through these challenges will really determine whether or not the relationship lasts and sustains itself. The decisions that you make yourself and the ones you make together will really determine how you come through this uncertain time.

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Heart Chronicles

I’m sure if you read down the list there are quite a few blogs written about this topic, but I’m going to write about it again because I think it is one of the most underrated and least understood concepts in relationships. Just talking about the type of person you are, just telling someone about the types of things of you like doesn’t mean that you actually do them. Nor does it mean that it’s the end of the situation and because you said it, then it’s true so there needs to be no actions to demonstrate what you said. I think people get confused because when they are approached in conversation about the things talked about not happening, too many times the response is why am I proving myself or my love to you?

The truth is we all have to prove ourselves. Yes, you do have to show that what you is real. It has always been like that in all walks of life and in all things that we do. What it does is it shows that you are not just about talking about something, it means that you do what you say. It means that it truly is your character to act that way, not just talk. It means that you are dependable to hold true to what you say you’re going to do. More than proving your love, what you’re doing is proving yourself. We always know what the old saying is.. Actions speak louder than words. It is true all the times because anybody can say anything. You can tell me that you are the best athlete in the world, but if you can’t demonstrate that in a sporting event, then it’s just simply words with no proof.

Love is a lot like that. You can say that you’re a lover, an affection person, but if you don’t show that action then what does that really say? It means that you’re just talking, you’re not really that person because you can’t show the action that verifies what you say. If you say that you are highly sexual but there is no sex life, it’s scarce at best, then what does that mean in regards to your person? It means to me, that you’re not really that person. It means that you talk about something but you have no intention on showing this to be true. Actions and words have always gone hand in hand in life and they always will. If you’re the person who tries to push back against complaints of not being genuine to your words by saying, “Why I gotta prove myself to you?” What you’re doing is telling someone that you’re a lie and you just want to ear hustle. You know, use your mouth to get what you want, but not actually do what you say.

This type of person is one that makes being in a relationship complicated. Because on the one hand, we all love to hear the things that make us feel good or the things that we relate to, or that syncs up with us. So when that person tells you these things it makes you feel good, and while you’re still in the learning phases, you are inclined to believe them and give them the chance to show that they are that person. Yet, what happens when those opportunities present themselves and the actions don’t follow is you learn they can’t be trusted, because they aren’t being real and legitimate about who they really are. Again, actions show who you really are as a person, not just the words you speak. You must be able to show that you do what you say.

What will happen over time, is you will wear out your welcome. Meaning, people will sour on you because you say one thing and do another. You don’t follow through and that makes you unreliable. I can’t explain to people how much a lack of action leads to relationships ending more times than not. Sex is the leading thing that this shows up. A person talks on the phone or through text messages about being very sexual, then when the in person action comes, there is nothing that happens that verifies that. Talking about it honestly won’t solve the issue unless it gets backed up with action. This is true also when it comes to just affection and intimacy. It’s very to say that you like affection, but when you’re together, do you actually show it? If not, it usually leads to issues because nobody wants to be in a relationship where shit is boring and mundane. Where all you do is just have simple convos, or convos about days past, yet no actions that build memories and moments in the present.

If you read this and you can relate, I wonder which end are you relating from. Are you the person who has no problem delivering the actions and your partner struggles? Or, are you the person who loves to mouth hustle? You can talk a damn good game but can’t back it up with your actions? How fair do you think it is if you want real love, that you can’t show the love you talk about?

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Heart Chronicles

Something that I urge everyone to do is to think about what the word vulnerable means to you. In more detailed words, how does you being vulnerable affect you and your decision to get into a relationship? How likely are you to take your guard down to let someone in? Because it is my belief that once you have amassed some baggage from being hurt and disappointed in relationships, you tend to restrict the level of vulnerability to show in order to protect yourself. And believe me I truly understand why you would want to do that, but the question I have is are you willing to alter yourself so much to the point that you might miss the one for you, because you don’t want to be vulnerable enough to let them in to see the true, full you?

This is a discussion that I know has many different view points and there may not be a majority opinion to be had because it’s so subjective, but I truly believe that you have to make a decision at some point after you’ve been hurt, to allow your heart to be open to being loved by someone. If you are truly a hopeless romantic then this really isn’t a problem for you. As you naturally are predisposed to allowing yourself to be open to love. It’s your nature so you will want to let someone in to see if they’re going to make you feel how you want to feel. If you’re the shy type, it will most definitely be difficult for you to open back up to love. But that is the test of your heart and your mentality.

As someone who has a significant amount of baggage in his life, I truly think that this situation is multifaceted and it can ebb and flow with the emotions that you feel and the affection that you’re receiving from people or that special someone. I feel like there is always a push pull when it comes to being vulnerable. You feel the need to let your guard down to some extent in order to go through the process of finding the one you want or letting them find you. But on the other hand, you may also feel the need to hold back and reserve some until you truly feel as though that person is going to hold you down the same way that you’re holding them down. That can sometimes be problematic as well. Consider this point.. what if both of you have some baggage and are needing to feel the stability from each other to really release that hesitation? Who takes that lead to say I’m going to pull you and you can pull me too?

I think more times than not that happens in relationships between people with a past. One of the parties recognizes that there is a need for one to pull the rope for the other to follow. And it is in that moment you find out who is true to their words. You also find out who is willing to be the alpha. the lead person in the relationship and who will be more of the submissive person. Yes, I know that may be a little controversial but I do believe that once someone steps up to take the lead role that person will hold it for a prolonged period of time, until it is necessary for the other partner to lead on something they feel comfortable carrying their partner through. The ability to show that vulnerability of leadership and support, while the other submits and follows along is critical to a relationship. Truthfully both people don’t lead at the same time, it doesn’t work, neither can both parties be submissive it doesn’t work either.

When you are truly vulnerable, you allow all of your true traits to show. And if you are compatible with your partner they will respond accordingly because they are open enough to trust what you put forth. Honestly, that is how it should and needs to work. Anything else and you’re being disingenuous and that will always lead to failure. So take the time to make sure that you are ready to be vulnerable and then you will allow yourself to be open to be found, or to find your love.

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Quality Time Versus Quantity Time

If you know anything about me then you know that I always tell people to be careful of how they describe time spent together. I believe that there is a big misconception that simply because you are around someone that it means you’re spending quality time with them, or just because you live together it means all your time is quality and that just isn’t true. In fact I believe that more people misjudge and often times neglect to have meaningful time together with their partners when they live together. Typically because one or both parties think that living together automatically means quality time together.

So here’s the thing about that. There is nothing quality about laying in bed together while one person or the both of you are just scrolling and typing away on the phone, not really interacting with each other. There is nothing quality about one person trying to be intimate or just have real quality time while the other does just sit on their phone and dismiss the offering of time from their partner. That is neglect in the purest form and something that can lead to trouble in your relationship. Just because you have a high quantity of time together, you have to make sure you get quality out of some of that time. That will and is always the key to healthy relationships, making sure you get quality time out of every day possible.

I think that when we’re younger we have a greater tendency to mix up the two because we maybe haven’t had the experience to better inform us of which one we really are performing, and we haven’t been shown or told how to really have quality time until we have had that relationship that puts a focus on it, causing us to pay more attention to just how we are spending time with the one we love. It’s a loophole that doesn’t get covered as much by parents or people who are influences to us. If it is discussed it isn’t given the requisite time it deserves in order to be properly understood. So here’s the deal.. Being on your phone all damn day and laying under your partner doesn’t equal quality time. Not focusing on each other for a period of the day without your phones is not quality time it’s just time, quantity time.

Now if you two are making a Youtube channel video while you’re online, that’s one thing, but the overwhelming majority aren’t so it wouldn’t apply. I really get tired of people trying to make the argument that all they need is to be next to the person they love and that’s quality time for them. Have you looked up the definition of the word quality. Laying there with no interaction or limited interaction isn’t a definition in the world quality. So how about if while you’re laying there y’all put the phones down and watch a couple movies or have dinner together or play video games together or get real intimate, where you fuck or not, that time is valuable. Or have a deep conversation to learn things deeper about you two and your desires together.

Do any of those activities for a bit, or sing and dance together, whatever it is there is where you have created quality time. That will make the both of you feel a lot better than just your face planted in the phone not or barely acknowledging the others presence. It is great important and value in making great use of the time you get to spend together. It is my belief that things operate on cycles. There will come time where the two of you won’t have that time to spend lots of it together. Work, children, family will intercede and require you guys to have less time together, making quality time less available and even more important. If you lack having it then, when times have gotten tighter, it could be the relationship killer.

I challenge you all to take time and think about what kind of time to you spend with your partners? Is it more quality than quantity or is it more quantity than quality?

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Friends With Benefits

Simple title, should be simple concept but apparently it’s very complicated and too many people seem to not take the nondirect clues or they want more than what it is. Now, just to give disclosure this doesn’t apply to me, but I’ve been watching some shows and know many people who this situation has happened to and I still don’t understand why people try to place blame on someone when this situation unfolds and one parties feelings gets hurt because a dynamic shifts. I’m going to explain this and try to make sure it’s understood why this type of setup should be very simple and not complicated.

If you’ve ever had a situation like this then you already know what the title of this writing means, if you haven’t well I will tell you. A friend with benefits is someone that you have a friendship with but you guys do extra and other things. Not just like going out together or having dinner, but you have a sexual, intimate component to your situation. But, it is an understanding in place that you aren’t exclusive, you aren’t building towards a relationship, it simply means that you don’t want to restrict yourself to only platonic dealings, you want to get sexual and not have to worry about feelings being caught behind it. Plain and simple that is the jest of the situation. This is what should happen in this type of arrangement, but, it’s commonly not how it goes.

In this situation what usually winds up happening is someone catches feelings. One of the parties likes all the attention and the intimacy and so on that happens, which leads to one getting feelings where it should just be fun and casual. I have been in these types of situationships before and I can say that while I do have an understanding for why one person catches feelings, I don’t agree with or accept it because when it’s clearly understood what’s going to happen, then there is no reason that blame should be assigned or angry feelings felt if the feelings aren’t mutual. If you are the type of person who can’t handle a setup like that, then I suggest you never agree with someone who says that’s all that they really want from you. Or, if you drop hints about being serious and they never really commit to it or talk about it, take that as a clue that you’re going too far and the whole situation may be called off.

If you are the person who is a hopeless romantic type person, this type of situation will never work for you. It will always leave you unfulfilled and wanting more, so don’t waste your time. If you’re the person who doesn’t like to be alone, but you also aren’t sure that you’re the relationship type this situation could be perfect for you. You have a friend that you kick it with and fuck around with, but you know that there is nothing serious between you two. Sounds like you’re getting the best of both worlds. You know the occasional sleep over and shit. Now, if you’re the person who is kinda broken and you might not be ready for a relationship then you could also be perfectly setup to benefit from this situation. But you also be setting yourself up for failure.

See the person who is trying to heal and recover from a relationship usually wants someone to keep them company and help to ease their pain. Usually they can rebound too quickly and jump into a relationship before they’re ready, but if they’re smart they also get into a friends with benefits situation and that can generally appease them until they feel they are ready to put their heart into it again. Then there is the person who doesn’t want anything serious and just wants to fuck around. This setup works for them too as long as it doesn’t seem too personal or exclusive. It’s pretty self explanatory too.

Hopefully this post will help people understand why if you aren’t a direct talker but you exhibit these actions and someone says they were misled or anything of the sort, this will clear it up. It should always be understood that physical actions work as well as actual words. Pay attention to the situation and the person. Don’t overplay the deal and you will be fine.