One of the things that I really dislike is when people are too caught up living in the past. Now I have to be honest and say that when I was going through some of my difficult times I often said If I could only go back to when I was.. or Damn I gotta get myself back to when I was… That right there was a defeated mentality. Because, the reality of the situation is that we aren’t meant to live in the past. No matter how successful and fun and productive the past was, it is not the present nor the future. It should be used as a point of reference, a source of inspiration of it was good and a motivational point if it wasn’t so good. 

The past is something we should not want to go back to because we aren’t intended to just be content living out of or off or the past successes. I challenge everyone to take some time and evaluate yourselves to determine if you still are hanging on to parts of the past because of the memories that were created. I often find it to be the reason why so many people, especially the LGBT community, hang on to old relationships that have reached their expiration dates. It’s that feeling that if only they can recreate the time and situation that led to the happiness that existed that the relationship will thrive. 

That to me is a very flawed notion because truth is as we get older and time passes we evolve and change. We stop wanting things that we use to seek and have a desire for something more in most cases. We aspire to have a sense of happiness and satisfaction and what we realize often times is that a person who made us happy in the past doesn’t make us happy now because they haven’t evolved with us. And instead of admonishing that and moving forward, we spend so much time and effort trying to hold ourselves back or wishing for the days gone by so we can keep that person that has our hearts.

The person that you will be with is one who grows along with you. You may not reach the same points at the same time but the work and effort and time put in will reflect someone trying to grow themselves much like you. I’m very proud to say that once I figured that out a lot of things became easier. While I realized I lost some people and let some others gets away because I was stuck in an old mind set, I was thankful that I had grown to accept that the best is always in front of me and I will always be better today than I was yesterday.

#Get out of the past…Sometimes you have to be ok with giving someone the benediction. 

The great debate of masculine or feminine, hard or soft is one that rages on in the LGBT community. It’s sad to think that more than the personality of the person, the determination of whether most gay men and women talk to each other rests squarely on the fact of if the person a feminine or masculine. And while I certainly understand everyone’s right to choose who they want to date and with whatever characteristics they desire, I also think that it’s quite foolish to say that you can only date a masculine man because that’s what you are, or in most females and some males cases, I gotta date the opposite of me.

To me this theory almost certainly lends itself to not being able to really find a person that might be right for you simply because you can’t deal with parts of their personality. Again, for me I come in fairly indifferent to this one but I will say that I typically do not tend to date those who claim to be overly masculine because dealing with their attitudes doesn’t click well with me and I’m usually better served dating someone with a softer personality type to balance the aggressiveness that naturally shows through.

What I have also discovered is that for females, that fem, stud dynamic takes on a whole different meaning. But it can but much the same for men as well. For some reason we tend to assign roles to someone solely based of if they act, look, or dress hard or soft (masculine or feminine). I have thought for some time that that has to be the stupidest thing to do and the person who does it without knowing the full person is very small minded and is really trying to still fit into the heterosexual classifications of a man and woman relationship.

Something I always thought was weird was that in the aingst of the LGBT community to establish its independence and own identity, we still seem to want to run back the definitions provided by society for a traditional relationship, instead of setting our own boundaries and traditions. i often wonder if the years of fighting for our own equality and struggle to define ourselves, with the recent gains we’ve made have we actually become comfortable with being defined by someone else’s standards?

Does it really matter if you appear to be masculine or feminine? Is it really important if you’re a stud or a fem? I thought that as long as people were a match personality wise, and the sexual chemistry worked it didn’t matter. One thing I do know is some of most masculine men out there are some of most feminine in the bedroom and vice-verse with some of the feminine guys being more dominant and masculine than they appear. 

So where do you fit in on this conversation… #Does being hard matter..?

If your significant other came to you and said they wanted to have a threesome would you do it? I believe it is this thought process where someone in the relationship has a wondering eye, or they feel like they haven’t accomplished all their sexual goals that the door opens for someone to cheat on their partner. For a man, its a lot simpler than it is for a woman. See a man will cheat just because he sees a nice body, a phat ass, a nice dick, or a pretty chest on a woman. For the woman, it’s so different. See they get their emotions involved, most of them anyway and will consider cheating to be physical or nonphysical. 

The truth of the matter is cheating takes many forms and can be different things. The most common form of cheating is physical. I have determined that for a man, physical cheating is their preferred method of choice; while for a woman the emotional, mental form of cheating is their usual method of choice. Unless of course they catch their dude cheating, then all bets are off and they usually seek revenge. 

The art of cheating has seemingly been perfected by the gay men, more specifically the Black, gay men. I cannot begin to count how many times I’ve had a friend call to tell me that their relationship ended for cheating. My first thought always is, you just caught them the last time; how many other times have you missed.

While all that context is nice and the reason can vary anywhere from ya partner not giving up the dick, ass, or pussy enough, to you having kids and the sex drive not being the same or because the kids are young there’s not enough time between work and caring for the kids. Maybe the person didn’t grow with you and their sex is still very basic and you want to become more of a freak and experience more fun sexual encounters. 

Whatever the reason behind it, I always wanted to know was it worth it? Did you get out of it what you wanted? Can you leave it as a one time thing or does the allure of doing it and not getting caught engulf you? Do you try to introduce that person into your bedroom business with your partner and see if you can have your cake and eat it too? Have you become such a skillful cheater that you’ve never been caught and if you haven’t would you ever consider telling your partner?

While all the answers to those question will come in another blog, maybe sooner than later, I will say that there have been occasions where I have cheated and to this very day, the individuals that I was in the relationship with when it happened don’t know that I did it. So I guess that answers the question for me: Will I ever tell them? Well I guess it all depends…

#Truth serum time…

Given that I have dated guys who have a shit load of rules, and also have dated guys who play it by ear and everything in between I feel that this topic really strikes also at the heart of why there are so many relationship issues these days. You know since there so many relationship guru’s and with Steve Harvey’s book, everybody seems to be looking for some set of guiding principles in determining who they want to date, should date, how long to date, when to act on the sexual urges, when to invite them to stay the night and all sorts of other shit.

Personally, I am not the guy who is all about “rules.” I think that yes, you should always have a guiding set of principles and a standard that you have for yourself, but it should not be so extreme that you don’t allow the natural order of life and love, emotion and passion to run its course and have a say in who you love, how you love and when you love. Far too many times, people rely on others instead of their innate ability to self determine who and what is right for them. As it is commonly said and I damn sure agree, what works for me may not work for you. I think today everyone sees a someone they know or respect or what have you in a relationship that looks successful on the outside and it may truly be successful, but the methods that that couple are taking to make theirs work certainly should be the basis for anyone else to make their decisions.

See to me the guy who wants to establish all these damn parameters and rules for how things will go to me is one who is really insecure and not able to control his own actions and emotions; so he enlists this laundry list of rules and time frames that determine when he will do this or when he will do that. And this is not reserved for just men, women are just as bad times, if not worse than men. The conscious effort to make a man wait a predetermined number of days or months before the next level things happen can definitely help determine if they are more interested in you or your body; but I also think that it can also dilute the process. What better way to really gauge someone then to allow situations to dictate how you do things and not some fixated number.

All rules are meant to be broken at some point and yes I do believe in that as well. Because you sometimes even the best laid plan doesn’t always work out as we intend it to. So my thought is why not have a mixture of the two. A little structure with a little instinctual behavior. See I believe the ones who really figure out how to deal with people the best are the ones who know how to blend the two and tailor it to each individual not a blanket set of rules for all.

So which type of person are you? Are you the strictly by the book kinda person? Do you like to let it fly and see let nature run its course? Or are you somewhere in between..prudent, yet still slightly unpredictable?

#Happy rule book hunting..