lifestyle

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A Fathers Dilemma

We are just removed from celebrating the fathers across the world for yet another year. For me, it’s my 11th such honor to be called a father and it feels like yesterday that I came into this position. No, I’ve yet to father any children biologically, but those of you out there that are surrogate parents, step-parents, true foster parents and so on, know that once you have that bond it doesn’t matter if you created the or not, you’re their parent.

I can remember back 11 years to when I first started this journey. I can remember thinking how the hell am I going to be able to give that type of influence to someone at just 21 years old. What was I going to do, how was I going to impart wisdom. And truthfully I’ve made many mistakes along the way fathering the 13 people that have come under my guidance.

I haven’t always done things the way that maybe they should have been done, but I’ve always believed that my decisions and efforts have been to protect those that I can son/daughter, and I’m proud of all the choices that I made. But you know that’s where the difficulty of being a father comes in.

Yes we all know that mothers get the glitz and glam of the honorary day. Because they carried you inside them. They nurtured you while you were inside them. They nurture you when come out and they comfort you when the father has to scold you and discipline you. If there is no father present then mother takes both roles so she has to give you tough love and comforting love.

For most fathers they are there to mostly be the stern parent. They are the one that you don’t want called up to school if you do something wrong. They’re often the parent that you go to when you want something because you know mom is gone make you go to him. Dad is the one who protects you when you go on first date, ladies. And young men, dad is the one who tells you how you should treat the girl.

But where a father struggles most is when he has to make choices when there are multiple kids involved. When he has to choose between standing firm and being consistent, but also protecting the younger child from their older, more freed siblings. He loves them both and wants the best for them both, but he knows when to step in and the result is never what he wants the outcome to be.

If you’re the father of gay children, and you’re gay yourself, you want to make sure that you provide the example that you want your kids to imitate. You show them the type of man that you hope they go after and wind up spending their lives with at some point. You make yourself vulnerable to the things you did and the mistakes you made, so you can hopefully prevent them from making the same mistakes.

The role of a father is not easy. Because you will always be that benchmark for someone or many someones. Man do I know how hard it is to be a father, because along the way I’ve made a lot of my children mad with the decisions I made. But, I look at the people they’ve become and I’m so proud because they’ve all grown up to become wonderful people. They fight their way through adversity and they never give up. All of them have pieces of me in them and it makes an eternally proud parent.

So my final thought on this is, never be afraid to talk to your kids about the things you’ve done, both good and bad. Because it will give them prospective and allow them to feel peace with making mistakes but give them comfort knowing that they can overcome. Being a father is a challenge, but it’s one that I’ve enjoyed with great fervor.

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Look In The Mirror

What I’ve commonly began to learn about people is that not many really have the ability to look themselves in the mirror without being forced to do so. I think that one of the greatest problems of our generation is being current with our lives and the ability to be alone with ourselves to bring about change.

You know many people love to tell me that I’m mean, or evil. That I’m a bitch or an asshole. I hear how much I’m stubborn and stuck in the way I see it. The list can go on and on about my negatives that I’m constantly told about. Yet, when the shit drops I hear how loyal I am, how much I truly go out my way to help someone. Maybe the truth is that I can be all of these things because while I’m going be the former to protect myself, I’m also the latter because I gotta look at myself every day.

Make no mistake about it, I think we would be a better people if instead of pointing the finger at someone else all the time when things go wrong, we stop and evaluate ourselves first and acknowledge that we had some part of the failure too. You know I get so tired of hearing or seeing people say they’re going back to their old way, like that shit was any better.

The truth is if your old ways were so damn good, you wouldn’t have tried to change them in the first place. What happens most times is that we try something out for a brief moment thinking that it’s going to yield instant results, and when it doesn’t we give up too quickly and run back to what we know. Which means we’re not really looking in the mirror and certainly not trying to grow.

I would implore folks to stop trying to dictate change and let the changes we need to make take the time it requires to become realized. I often wonder why it is we think that changing ourselves happens overnight, when we spent years becoming that kinda person. Changes need months, years to become reality, and when it gets hard isn’t the time to abandon those efforts, that’s when you double down and really give your all because the payoff is coming.

My hope to anyone who reads this, is that if you’re struggling with the ability to look yourself in the mirror, you realize that doing so only brings clarity to your life. It helps you grow and it will allow you to more quickly get over the pitfalls of failed endeavors in your life.

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Deception Doesn’t Pay Off

I was in church today and my pastor said something that verified exactly what I’ve always thought: “Deception in a relationship doesn’t work”. When you lie to the one you’re suppose to be with, it doesn’t protect the relationship, it actually sets the groundwork for cracks in the foundation, which leads to failure.

One must realize that the old saying that you lie to protect those you love, is definitely misleading. Maybe, you keep certain things from them so that they don’t have to be concerned with things that might be harmful, but to purposefully lie or be deceptive about who you are is not helpful.

I think people do it to try and manipulate a situation or individual. There is control in deception, because as long as someone doesn’t know who you truly are, or what you’re truly all about, then there is the opportunity to frame the narrative the way you want it to be.

The only problem with that is usually the reason for the deception is to hide those shadows, or skeletons that you don’t want to be known about. And you know, I guess if you got the money or enough time you can make them disappear without them actually being handled, but I find it to be that those skeletons rear their ugly head when you’re least prepared for them to.

It also leads me to one of my next thoughts, maybe instead of having to be deceptive about the negative choices you made, you might want to think about the choice before you make it. That way you won’t feel so embarrassed as to not to want to tell the truth about your past.

Maybe we should also remember that the past is also just that. Many people have done things in their past that they aren’t proud of, and as long as they’ve moved on from those things nobody should never try to convict them of things they’ve done in the past. I believe sometimes that people hide in the dark because they don’t want their demons to come into the light and be convicted of them.

Here is my solution: everybody mind your own damn business and stop tryna worry about people’s past. And those who have a past, don’t feel so ashamed, we all do things, make mistakes and learn. Let the light shine on it and grow. Help someone else to prevent them from that situation you were in. Maybe then the deception that people feel the need to display can fade away and we call be our own authentic selves.

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Orlando Pride

Once again we’re faced with a horrible, disgusting, senseless, hateful tragedy in America. A ISIS supporter, homophobic ass hole decided that he was gone take lives in his hands and shoot up a landmark Gay Club in Orlando, Florida in the wee hours of the morning.

It’s been said that the motive for this massacre was him seeing two gay men kissing while on vacation in Miami with his family. To this I say, Bullshit! and Fuck you! You are the kind of person that makes this country less safe and that terrorists around the world seek and applaud.

You decided that what you thought was correct was sufficient reason to go into this night club and take 50 lives, injuring another 53. And like the bitch you are, you allowed yourself to be killed rather than have this sit on your conscious, you sorry coward. I’m so sick and tired of seeing people kill in the name of hate.

You kill because you hate a religion, you kill because you hate a cultural group of people, you kill because you hate yourself. Whatever the damn reason I’m just sick and tired of the senseless, hate-filled killings. You can’t go anywhere these days and be safe can you? Church, school, the church, the club, the movies, no damn where.

As a former resident of Orlando, I have visited that club many times before and never before did I have a concern that I something like this would happen. It just goes to show how crazy people are. One thing I do know though, is that that city is extremely resilient and the people there will bounce back from this devastating event.

The one thing I do know is that no matter what, we need to get these Assault Weapons off the fucking streets. I’m tired of watching these stories and it’s always someone with an assault rifle. What the fuck do we need these for? Let’s make a change, if not for the sake of the 103 people affected, then by an entire Community in mourning.

Stand with Orlando, stand with the LGBT Community and damn it, stand for peace and removal of these heinous Assault Weapons. Guns are fine, but these assault weapons are killers, especially in the hands of those who mean people harm. #Pulse #Orlando #United

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The Light Will Always Shine

You know I never understand why people think that I’m not going to figure out when bull shit is being thrown at me. Don’t think that you can show up out the blue, “spend” a few hours of time, pay for one damn meal and think that you’ve accomplished something in my mind. That is absolutely false and you will certainly get your feelings hurt.

See when you try to portray one thing in my face, but then you show me something totally different when you not in my presence, you should always understand that I’m going to pay attention to the differences and pry myself into the situation to figure out why. I think that truly goes for any person that really knows how to read people. When someone shows you conflicting personalities and they have shaddy dealings, one would be wise to pay attention.

Something that I figured out a long time ago, was that if a person has to starting hiding the simple things, and being discreet with when they and how they contact you at times, chances are there is another dick, ass, or pussy waiting in the wings. Ha, the funny part is that some people actually believe that they can pull it off and not think that someone has noticed.

Be careful of how much you show someone, because if they’re truly attentive they will always be able to call your bluff. The ones who think that they’re good at it, might want to take inventory of themselves. The light always shines when you’re trying to fool a fool. LOL, if you don’t what I mean, ask me here or find someone you know and ask them. The nostalgia of days gone by, don’t get you a pass, if anything it makes the process more difficult.

Smiles and niceness always work for a temporary minute, the grind and the daily shifting makes all the difference. I will and forever say, that the person who tries for the quick fix and haymaker, will be the first one to get knocked out. LOL, I dare you to pay attention to your latest “interest” and see if they show you signs that you might just need to keep them a “fling” or just something fun to deal with on the side.. HEHE

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What Do You Stand For?

One of the most interesting things that I often find myself wondering about is do people actually care about what they stand for? Do you care about the legacy that you leave behind? So many times we say that we don’t care what others think about us, but do we care what those close to us think? Does it mean anything to truly have a legacy? I’m so fascinated by how those soldiers who die in the line of duty have their comrades and superiors speak about how awesome they were.

Think about the businessman or businesswoman who leads a successful company and retires or tragically passes away. They do everything they can to leave their “mark” and have their respective legacies stand for something. Think about the teacher or President. Think about that sports coach or that mom or dad. How is it that they seem to block out the world but hone in on their own?

What it makes me realize is that no matter how much one says they don’t care about anyone’s opinion, the truth is there are some opinions that do matter. Otherwise we wouldn’t spend our time trying to leave the mark that we do on this Earth. One my dearest friends is no longer here but the mark he left on those who know him is so profound.

I think of the President of the United States. How hard he works to make sure that people know he’s America’s President, not just the Black President. I look at mothers and military personnel that don’t get the credit they truly deserve, but they continue to be their best selves because they care and they want it to be known when their gone, that they did the right things.

What am I trying to say? You’re legacy is nothing than a reflection of what you stand for, and how you go about defending those beliefs. If you’re full of shit that will be legacy that you leave. If you are messy or suspect, or blowing with the wind, then that’s going to be what you’re remembered for. No matter what you or anyone else says, we always care about the legacy that we leave.

Maybe if we always kept that in the front corner part of our minds, maybe we would be more conscious of one another. Maybe we would care a little more about how we treated each other, because we know that our legacies are defined by these actions that we take. I truly do implore all people to take a moment and think about what you want to be known for. Because that’s what’s going to stand the test of time when your dead and gone.

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Caught In the Trap

Normally I’m a big supporter of Ryan Cameron and what he speaks about, however, today even he must be opened up to what he just allowed himself to fall pray to today. As normal, on my way to work, I was listening to the Ryan Cameron morning show on V-103 and he was doing his segment about him having to speak out again some social issue that’s important to the community. Today’s choice was President’s Obama’s mandate of equal bathroom privileges for the Transgender community.

What his comments strikingly crass, uninformed, and unapologetically right leaning in tone, is the fact that he was very vague with his description of the mandate and then had the dumb ass nerve to suggest that more dialogue is needed on the subject. Hey Ryan wake the fuck up man! This is the Republican playbook if I’ve ever seen it. See they’ve had a strategy since the Supreme Court deemed same sex marriage legal in the United States. Conservative Republicans have systemically gone about trying to introduce legislation to find ways to skirt the ruling and find ways to create legal loopholes to deny the LGBTQ community it’s right granted by the US Supreme Court.

It began with various states writing the so called “Religious Freedom” bills and trying to get those through their Congressional state legislature and subsequently to the desk of the Republican Governor in that respective state. Once the government got wind of this and threated Federal dollars and once businesses threatened to pull out of these states, most of those plans have went down the shit hole. Enter the Bathroom bill passed in North Carolina and attempted to be passed in other states in the country.

What Mr. Cameron seems to conveniently leave out of his ignorant and uninformed talking points is that the Federal Courts have already started weighing in on the situation and deemed bills like the one in North Carolina to be unconstitutional to enforce in public schools because it violates Title IX, which prevent discrimination based on Gender, Sexual Orientation and so on in public academic institutions. Now the fight is whether businesses are allowed to discriminate solely based upon someone’s gender identity.

It is clear that the Obama Administration has said no, you can’t do this, but Mr. Cameron wants to believe that their decision wasn’t based upon conversations, just a rush to protect individuals. How ignorant of you sir. Maybe if you’ve been paying attention to the National discourse over the past year and a half or so, since that historic ruling in favor of same sex marriage, you would know that State Governments across the nation went into panic mode as to how to minimize the impact and find ways to disparage my community.

There has been talk about this for months and months now. This is a way for Republicans to set their agenda and try to attack the Courts ruling by putting in legal, constitutional measures, that say they can discriminate based upon gender identity, which paves the way for an expansion to discriminating because it’s against their religion and before you know it, we, the LGBTQ community, are marginalized yet again. Furthermore to the point, if you really think that transgender folks are the concern with “bathroom” selection you’re wrong.

I dare you or anyone who doesn’t understand to give me the proven data that says that Transgender men or women have been the aggressors in bathroom attacks. Oh and you’re assertion that grown men and women sharing a restroom with a young kid is somehow a no -no, just because they identify with the different sex, is laughable. Have you been in the women’s restroom Mr. Cameron? Do you know if Transgender women are already in the bathroom with girls and vice versa for the men?

I understand that just like with homosexual love and acceptance, some folks will never come to grips with or accept a Transgender person and their choices. But, at the same time how would we feel if we were back in the 1940’s 50’s and 60’s where Black people couldn’t use a White’s only restroom? Or if we have colored only restaurants again? So I guess the conversation is fine as long as it’s furthering your cause, but once it stops, you reject the movement right?

Ryan Cameron I know you’re a better man than to just spew the dumb ass rhetoric you’ve seen and heard. I know you know to do your own homework before speaking on the matter. And I really know, that you know better than to glaringly generalize and paint with a broad brush a National debate that has been very front and center for a while and one that frankly, is about respect and rights.

Maybe this will reach you sir and maybe it won’t. If it does I certainly welcome the conversation with you and if not, anyone who reads this, give me your thoughts. I’m open and ready to have this conversation.

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Consistently Inconsistent

You know what I’ve come to learn over my time talking to people and from the talks I have with my friends, is that every damn nigga in this city/state is consistently inconsistent. No one seems to know how to truly be about the business that they claim to be. No one seems to truly be real and honest. Everyone has an angle, and the minute that you either: a, stop fitting the angle; b, stop feeding their ego or c, the next dick or ass that feeds their want pops in their face, then whatever it was that being worked on stops.

I do find it to be funny that I have to agree with the same assessment that my friends have outlined above. I will agree completely that this shit happens all the damn time and it’s really pretty sickening. No matter if it’s a boyfriend that changes his spots, a friend that only seems to pop up when they need something or exes that seem to find their way around only to show they’re still no different than they were before; oh and let’s not forget the newbie that tries to talk a good game only to have it picked apart in less than a day.

What I find to be the most ironic is how everyone seems to shout the line that they tired of the same old shit, but they keep doing the same old shit. I wonder if people really got tired of it what things would truly look like. OOOOH, and while we’re at it, it’s not just an Atlanta thing, because this city is littered with people who aren’t from here or raised here and they have the same messy, bullshit type mentality as the niggas from this city.

It leads me to the conclusion that I’ve spoken about before: this city contains so much readily available dick and ass that no one seems content to wanna stick by their word, Instead, they’d rather hide under the umbrella of “friendship”, “meeting people”, or “relationship oriented” in order to accomplish their actual goals. Sex, money and control, in some way, shape, form or fashion combine to make up the reasons that people do most of what they do.

While the conscious mind may not say it or admit it, it’s the actions that people take that show you who they are and what they’re really all about. You can talk til your purple about respect, common ground and realness, but the truth is that shit takes a real ass person to enact as a way of being and honestly, most niggas too afraid of being vulnerable to be real. Too concerned with being in control or not letting yesterday happen today, so nothing of substance can truly be had.

The only thing that I know, is niggas are consistently inconsistent What are your thoughts?

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The Current Blurried Line

One of the current debates running in the Black Community is the difference between the metrosexual man and the gay man. I’m going to address this solely based on a fashion and style perspective to understand why the lines are so convoluted.

The modern day man is now more in tune with the basic elements of fashion and business and it’s caused many to question their sexual orientation because the stigma has always been that most gay men are well kept, well dressed and love fitted clothing. Now that there is blend of these two words, a straight man and a gay look, we wonder how it came about.

The normal business man who’s gay will wear clothes that very fitted to the body. We are very neat in presentation and have smooth skin. We speak well and always have an eye towards what colors fit our skin tone and what clothes best accentuate the features we’re trying to speak to. So you may see us wear outfits that have pinks, blue, purple and other bright colors at the forefront of our accentuation of the base colors.

You see men who are more comfortable with fitted, tailored suits and pants, customary in European and Asian culture, rather than the more loosely fitting American tailored style of dressing. Metrosexual men have picked up on this and they now enjoy it. Where as, some closeted gay men gravitate towards traditional male dress because they don’t their tea to be spilled.

Look at a lot of the modern day athletes, they’re now wearing the fitted skinny jeans, and tight fitting shirts to best establish their desire to avoid the stereotype associated with lots of heterosexual Black men, which is we only sag out pants and wear big clothes. Because truthfully that look is still quite popular today, but not the prevailing trend. They wear suits that are perfectly tailored and polished Let’s be honest to the eye what looks more appealing: A man whose clothes fit and colors are spot on, or someone whose draws you can see but the look makes no sense.

I remember I read an article where a well known rapper had changed his style from a rugged thug to the metrosexual fitted look and the first thing said about him after the shift was, he must be gay. Who said that just because you choose to care about how you look, what you wear, the details you put together that you automatically are gay? The debate will rage on and I can’t wait to continue to debate.

If I wear a black with leopard trim shirt and some white skinny’s with some black boots  does that make me more homosexual than if I wear some pink skinny’s with a white fitted long shirt with layers at the bottom of the shirt? Is the metrosexual man more “gay” if he wears the Calvin Kline look, featuring tan and blue to work, instead of wearing any American made suit with precise tailoring that features blue with pink accessory pieces? Can you see the visual?

 

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Trump Is The Elephant

I’ve been talking about this now for months how Donald Trump is actually just like the Republican Establishment, despite many mainstream media outlets wanting to cast him as the outsider. He has all the talking points, rhetoric and actions of a man sold to the Republican Right Wing. Yes, he may say a few incendiary things that ruffle the feathers of some of the elite, but the truth is if you listen to his words he really is just like the folks sitting on Capitol Hill.

Trump wants to ban abortions and make women criminals if they do abort their child. Trump wants to restore “American Exceptionalism” and essentially build a wall around our country to keep folks out in order to “protect Americans”. Trump wants to expand the Military again and use our might in the Middle East more than using our brains. Trump wants to be the big bully instead of the influential big brother. If you’re wondering where these things have been heard before, well look no further than President 43.

You see as much as Trump is anti-Establishment, his tax proposal, economic strategy, immigration stances, abortion policy and foreign policy are all right from the think tanks of those who represent the Right Wing of the party. And if you think they’re not the Established part of the party just look at the number of “Tea Party” folks in the House and Senate.

Trump doesn’t want the violence to die down. Trump doesn’t want regulations. Trump wants to turn crazies loose. He wants to go back to those days where states could impose whatever rules they want. Jim Crow could return, White dominance reigns supreme and so on and so on. I was listening to Rachel Maddow in her opening monologue on her show and she couldn’t have said it any better. “If the Pro Life folks win the battle, it will be a constant parade of women facing criminal charges for anything that prevents them from birthing a child 9 months after conception.”

If you think this election doesn’t have consequences, look real hard at the candidates that are left on both sides of the aisle. Trump has views that are truly divisive and hurtful to the cause of American unity and equality. Cruz is even worse and while Governor Kasich is doing his best to stay in the race, he really is too moderate for this Republican electorate. Hillary can’t get out of her own way and people still don’t believe in her, while Bernie is just being Bernie and refusing to back down to the big bully in the yard.

The next few months will be interesting and November will be down right entertaining. Who’s going to win.. well I guess we will all find out together.