You know as I’ve had time to sit back and reflect on the recent things that I’ve gone through the past couple months, I have a new found appreciation for how much loving a person can make someone live in fear at the same time.

I know that to some that may sound crazy or may not make sense, but if you really understand what love is all about it can make anyone’s inner demons and insecurities come out because you fear that the person that you love would leave you if they know your truth. I think that this issue is a growing problem in this society because so many people aren’t comfortable enough with themselves to truly love someone.

As I look out towards the truth even surrounding folks close to me, I see how much past pains and hurt have led them to have such a fear of loving with all their might. See, they feel as if that something bad will happen or they will be heartbroken or embarrassed for loving someone with all that’s inside of them. I think that what people do is get so caught up in not only their past pains, but also the pains and trials of their friends.

Someone really needs to talk to me and tell me why what someone else went through in their own relationship is affecting you in your own personal relationship. No two people are the same and no two people go through the same experiences. While, you may experience similar things because you get treated a similar way by different folks. the truth is each relationship is its own entity and no one should be basing their love life off that of those around them. It is a falsehood that makes one think that they will truly gain their knowledge about how to handle their own affairs from hearing the issues of a friend or family members love pitfalls.

The other thing that I think is absolutely ridiculous, is that everyone wants to spend their time fixing the love life of someone else but they don’t truly take enough time to fix their love life or fix themselves. One day people will realize that when you are always trying to fix someone else’s relationship, your relationship suffers because all you do is bring the problems of their relationship to your own, if you’re not strong enough to separate the two.

Love is rough and requires the utmost attention and focus. You must realize that to love is to be selfless. To love is to give yourself to that one who you trust with all your might. To love is to understand that your home must be in lock step before you work on another home. Love means that when things happen you deal with them and let them go. Love means that you learn to compromise when needed and be firm when required. All of these things that love is and requires is what makes the fear so strong. Because we get so caught up in roles and positions and who should pay what and who should control who, that we forget about the love. Hence, the fear that always hovers over the relationship.

Are you in fear? Or are you in love?

Its funny if I had a dime for each time I was asked the question: Why are you single? I would be a rich motha fucka right now. I have tried so hard to sit back and answer that question with a calm face and with some notion of respect. But as I’ve sat and just gone through another situation, it reconfirms my first thought: That single question has got to be the dumbest fuckin question in the world. If you wanna know why I’m single go ask all these niggas in these streets.

A nigga would rather get dogged by a dude that don’t give no fucks, or forces them to live a certain way, rather than accept a man who wants to give them the freedom to be themselves. They would rather hide behind their hurt and pain and fear, rather than bow their back and face the challenges head on. They take the pain inflicted upon them and pass it down to the first good dude that comes along to be real and genuine with them.

Why I’m single is cuz a nigga opens their mouth to say I got a cute face, a nice body, a fat dick and a juicy ass. I can dress my ass off and my personality is so cool and I’m this complete package, but apparently that’s not enough to get a nigga to act right. Funny that I can be this cold hearted nigga who can be bold enough to tell you I just wanna fuck or I just wanna be fuck buddies, and that gets accepted without hesitation. But, you let me try to be real and try to develop something real.. I get all the facades and manipulation just so I get lured in, only to have some excuse to fall back.

So if I choose to answer that question with the response of: “Why the fuck you wanna kno?” Would I be wrong? I guess where I’m at with the whole thing is I’m sick and tired of the question because I’m sick and tired of the selfish nature of the question. So you know in reality I’m thankful for every relationship and dealing I’ve been in because it has always taught me lessons and made me better.

Thank you cuz if it wasn’t for those experiences, I would not be the man that I am today.

You know oft used phrase “Home is Where the Heart Is”, is a statement that rings true in so many ways, but it flawed in very demonstrative and tangible way. What happens when the heart is do torn that it doesn’t know where home is or how to find it?

I challenge this statement at it’s core because I’ve seen many people who spend time retreading relationships, hurting new people and running from the prospects of long-term happiness with one individual because their hearts have been so damaged that they don’t know how to heal it or where to start.

I will freely admit that as a consistent Church goer and seeker of inner peace, I still struggle with this dynamic quite a bit. I struggle to understand when it’s time to open up to someone and when to just exhibit that cold, uncaring spirit that just brushes off attempts at interactions with someone new.

I am a social butterfly, filled with life and energy, passion and fire, warmth and love, but at the same time, I am also beginning to understand the darker side of failed love. The abuse of the heart, the torment of the soul, the destruction of individual worth. Maybe it’s because so many in this state would rather find that dick or ass to suck or fuck, rather than find that person whose heart is genuine, intentions are good and build a life together.

Too many people run under the guise of self improvement and that is the justification they use to break off something good; when in reality, they’re scared of being hurt, afraid of losing another good thing and most importantly they don’t want to used, abused and thrown out again. I see the conflict that others wrestle with because I myself grapple with the same internal fight. Do I allow someone else to come in and potentially light up my life or shun them away because I just don’t want another cold, lonely night.

I’ve started on a journey to figure out why am I really under so much strife. I’m finding lost loves and the cleansing is an amazing one. But even as I find them, see them, talk to them and reflect, I’m still torn. The thoughts of what was and what could have been mix with the thoughts of peace and happiness that closure is coming.

Maybe that’s because there are two big pieces missing that I have yet to find. Two huge holes in my heart that I’ve struggled to move beyond and one big piece that seems to never want to commit. My goal is inner peace with these situations and I’m working as only I know how, but I also know that it’s been tormenting me for a while and I finally think I’m ready to put them all to bed.

You know this has probably been the most challenging start to a year that has not involved money since I’ve been a grown man. I’ve had to sit back and reflect on all the relationships and friendships I’ve encountered over the years. I’ve also had to take inventory of my emotions, in addition to my clothes I’ll get back to that in a second, that made me realize that a thief can steal from you in a multitude of ways.

The first kind of thief you have, is the most common thief, is the person who steals materialistic things from you. And I’m not diminishing how difficult and emotionally draining it can be to have someone steal your possessions from you, but trust me there is another type of thief that puts this one to shame.

We all have had someone, either friend or lover, whose stolen something from us and it made you feel some kinda way. You got all in your feelings because they violated you by taking something that either you brought, or someone gave to you, and therefore it has a value that goes beyond the financial price tag.

Yet, it’s exactly this kind of thief that you can recover from relatively quickly and without much of a thought, so long as the items taken can be replaced with little effort. I do admit that the more the item holds that intrinsic value that we cannot quantify does it become more challenging to move on from this kind of thief.

The second type of thief is the one that can a lot longer effect because what they take from you is much more close to you and it cannot be brought, and in some cases, explained. This is the thief that steals your emotional and mental stability, which means they are stealing from your soul. See this is the person that winds up holding control over you to an extent because they’ve tapped into the deeper parts of you that the world doesn’t get to see.

I’m absolutely certain that once again we all have experienced this type of individual too. For most of us all we have to do is look at our former lover, spouse, or close friend that has now become estranged or completely removed from the picture. See that person is special; those types of people don’t come along often so when you have one of those types of relationships and it sours, it takes a piece of you and your soul with it. You’re left with a little void and the reality is no one knows how long it will really take to get over that emotional scar.

And then there is the final type of thief and that’s the combo thief. You guessed it, this is the thief who steals both the materialistic possessions and the emotional, mental, soulful things as well. You know my ex falls into this category. While at first I thought it was just the mental and emotional drain from him, I took a look through my closet this week and realized that during the time I allowed him to stay with me until he moved into his own spot, he stole a couple pairs of my pants and was sly as fuck about it.

See I guess that’s that problem when you have a lot in your closet and you don’t wear the same thing each week; someone can come along and pick your pockets before you realize what’s missing. But you know as I have always said, the bitch that steals from me is the bitch that’s too afraid to ask. I hope he gets good wear out those pants and while he portrays to have that manish appeal on the outside, all the shit I’ve dealt with as a result of him shows me that he really is a bitch on the inside.

So touche to him and I hope he’s happy with the thievry he’s pulled off, because if we cross paths, I’ll show him what it’s like to steal your smile. And no I’m not going to physically touch or harm him, but ask around I got that asshole like attitude that will leave you with a inner void.

Do you know who your thieves are?

You know I’ve had conversations lately with friends and fam and I must say that the theme coming out of the past few weeks is.. I don’t know how to be alone. When I say that I don’t mean to be negative or condescending, but I’ve learned that until you can learn to be ok with being by yourself, you are likely to struggle when you’re in a relationship. And the reason is because you don’t allow yourself a chance to heal from the past relationship and make the necessary changes going into the next relationship.

Now I’m pretty comfortable with saying that 99% of the world has struggled with the complex in their lives. And no there is no specific thing that can be done in order to conquer this issue. I think it just comes along with growing and learning how to be comfortable with yourself. You know I even have to admit that while I’ve become very comfortable with living by myself and comfortable with sleeping alone, I will admit I miss the daily affection of another man.

I miss coming home and being able to kiss and hug that special someone. I miss cooking dinner for one another, for going on dates with that special person. I miss telling that one special guy I love you. Yes, I know that to some I’m a cold-hearted. insensitive, uncaring bitch; but that is quite contrary to my personality and character.

While I sit back and wait for the next real relationship to arrive, and yes I got eyes on someone, I ask have to admit that thinking about you makes a little weak in the knees; hearing your voice and seeing you up close makes me wish you’d never leave. Cuddling up and holding you tight, hearing you breathe makes me think about the life we’re breathing into this bond forming.

Scared of lonely is more of a realistic norm than people know. See there are people who stay in relationships for fear of lonely; people hop from man to man or woman to woman, because they can’t or don’t want to be alone. They don’t want to face themselves and allow for the self-examination process to work itself through.

One of these days very soon the game will change. One day soon the world be revealed to someone who might just be the one to make some noise and disrupt the lonely situation. I’m learning to be patient when it comes these things and while it scares me death sometimes to think about being alone, I’m nervous because I feel my heart trying to reopen again, my feelings stand on edge again, my love start to be robust again.

Once upon a time I was scared of lonely and would never be in a situation where I didn’t have man, now I’m scared of lonely, but I’m more scared of destruction of my soul. I cherish my heart more than I cherish sharing my bed. But make no mistake about it, this complicated melody over here will soon have the perfect song writer that makes this melody harmonious.