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Heart Chronicles

Something that I urge everyone to do is to think about what the word vulnerable means to you. In more detailed words, how does you being vulnerable affect you and your decision to get into a relationship? How likely are you to take your guard down to let someone in? Because it is my belief that once you have amassed some baggage from being hurt and disappointed in relationships, you tend to restrict the level of vulnerability to show in order to protect yourself. And believe me I truly understand why you would want to do that, but the question I have is are you willing to alter yourself so much to the point that you might miss the one for you, because you don’t want to be vulnerable enough to let them in to see the true, full you?

This is a discussion that I know has many different view points and there may not be a majority opinion to be had because it’s so subjective, but I truly believe that you have to make a decision at some point after you’ve been hurt, to allow your heart to be open to being loved by someone. If you are truly a hopeless romantic then this really isn’t a problem for you. As you naturally are predisposed to allowing yourself to be open to love. It’s your nature so you will want to let someone in to see if they’re going to make you feel how you want to feel. If you’re the shy type, it will most definitely be difficult for you to open back up to love. But that is the test of your heart and your mentality.

As someone who has a significant amount of baggage in his life, I truly think that this situation is multifaceted and it can ebb and flow with the emotions that you feel and the affection that you’re receiving from people or that special someone. I feel like there is always a push pull when it comes to being vulnerable. You feel the need to let your guard down to some extent in order to go through the process of finding the one you want or letting them find you. But on the other hand, you may also feel the need to hold back and reserve some until you truly feel as though that person is going to hold you down the same way that you’re holding them down. That can sometimes be problematic as well. Consider this point.. what if both of you have some baggage and are needing to feel the stability from each other to really release that hesitation? Who takes that lead to say I’m going to pull you and you can pull me too?

I think more times than not that happens in relationships between people with a past. One of the parties recognizes that there is a need for one to pull the rope for the other to follow. And it is in that moment you find out who is true to their words. You also find out who is willing to be the alpha. the lead person in the relationship and who will be more of the submissive person. Yes, I know that may be a little controversial but I do believe that once someone steps up to take the lead role that person will hold it for a prolonged period of time, until it is necessary for the other partner to lead on something they feel comfortable carrying their partner through. The ability to show that vulnerability of leadership and support, while the other submits and follows along is critical to a relationship. Truthfully both people don’t lead at the same time, it doesn’t work, neither can both parties be submissive it doesn’t work either.

When you are truly vulnerable, you allow all of your true traits to show. And if you are compatible with your partner they will respond accordingly because they are open enough to trust what you put forth. Honestly, that is how it should and needs to work. Anything else and you’re being disingenuous and that will always lead to failure. So take the time to make sure that you are ready to be vulnerable and then you will allow yourself to be open to be found, or to find your love.

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Quality Time Versus Quantity Time

If you know anything about me then you know that I always tell people to be careful of how they describe time spent together. I believe that there is a big misconception that simply because you are around someone that it means you’re spending quality time with them, or just because you live together it means all your time is quality and that just isn’t true. In fact I believe that more people misjudge and often times neglect to have meaningful time together with their partners when they live together. Typically because one or both parties think that living together automatically means quality time together.

So here’s the thing about that. There is nothing quality about laying in bed together while one person or the both of you are just scrolling and typing away on the phone, not really interacting with each other. There is nothing quality about one person trying to be intimate or just have real quality time while the other does just sit on their phone and dismiss the offering of time from their partner. That is neglect in the purest form and something that can lead to trouble in your relationship. Just because you have a high quantity of time together, you have to make sure you get quality out of some of that time. That will and is always the key to healthy relationships, making sure you get quality time out of every day possible.

I think that when we’re younger we have a greater tendency to mix up the two because we maybe haven’t had the experience to better inform us of which one we really are performing, and we haven’t been shown or told how to really have quality time until we have had that relationship that puts a focus on it, causing us to pay more attention to just how we are spending time with the one we love. It’s a loophole that doesn’t get covered as much by parents or people who are influences to us. If it is discussed it isn’t given the requisite time it deserves in order to be properly understood. So here’s the deal.. Being on your phone all damn day and laying under your partner doesn’t equal quality time. Not focusing on each other for a period of the day without your phones is not quality time it’s just time, quantity time.

Now if you two are making a Youtube channel video while you’re online, that’s one thing, but the overwhelming majority aren’t so it wouldn’t apply. I really get tired of people trying to make the argument that all they need is to be next to the person they love and that’s quality time for them. Have you looked up the definition of the word quality. Laying there with no interaction or limited interaction isn’t a definition in the world quality. So how about if while you’re laying there y’all put the phones down and watch a couple movies or have dinner together or play video games together or get real intimate, where you fuck or not, that time is valuable. Or have a deep conversation to learn things deeper about you two and your desires together.

Do any of those activities for a bit, or sing and dance together, whatever it is there is where you have created quality time. That will make the both of you feel a lot better than just your face planted in the phone not or barely acknowledging the others presence. It is great important and value in making great use of the time you get to spend together. It is my belief that things operate on cycles. There will come time where the two of you won’t have that time to spend lots of it together. Work, children, family will intercede and require you guys to have less time together, making quality time less available and even more important. If you lack having it then, when times have gotten tighter, it could be the relationship killer.

I challenge you all to take time and think about what kind of time to you spend with your partners? Is it more quality than quantity or is it more quantity than quality?

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Friends With Benefits

Simple title, should be simple concept but apparently it’s very complicated and too many people seem to not take the nondirect clues or they want more than what it is. Now, just to give disclosure this doesn’t apply to me, but I’ve been watching some shows and know many people who this situation has happened to and I still don’t understand why people try to place blame on someone when this situation unfolds and one parties feelings gets hurt because a dynamic shifts. I’m going to explain this and try to make sure it’s understood why this type of setup should be very simple and not complicated.

If you’ve ever had a situation like this then you already know what the title of this writing means, if you haven’t well I will tell you. A friend with benefits is someone that you have a friendship with but you guys do extra and other things. Not just like going out together or having dinner, but you have a sexual, intimate component to your situation. But, it is an understanding in place that you aren’t exclusive, you aren’t building towards a relationship, it simply means that you don’t want to restrict yourself to only platonic dealings, you want to get sexual and not have to worry about feelings being caught behind it. Plain and simple that is the jest of the situation. This is what should happen in this type of arrangement, but, it’s commonly not how it goes.

In this situation what usually winds up happening is someone catches feelings. One of the parties likes all the attention and the intimacy and so on that happens, which leads to one getting feelings where it should just be fun and casual. I have been in these types of situationships before and I can say that while I do have an understanding for why one person catches feelings, I don’t agree with or accept it because when it’s clearly understood what’s going to happen, then there is no reason that blame should be assigned or angry feelings felt if the feelings aren’t mutual. If you are the type of person who can’t handle a setup like that, then I suggest you never agree with someone who says that’s all that they really want from you. Or, if you drop hints about being serious and they never really commit to it or talk about it, take that as a clue that you’re going too far and the whole situation may be called off.

If you are the person who is a hopeless romantic type person, this type of situation will never work for you. It will always leave you unfulfilled and wanting more, so don’t waste your time. If you’re the person who doesn’t like to be alone, but you also aren’t sure that you’re the relationship type this situation could be perfect for you. You have a friend that you kick it with and fuck around with, but you know that there is nothing serious between you two. Sounds like you’re getting the best of both worlds. You know the occasional sleep over and shit. Now, if you’re the person who is kinda broken and you might not be ready for a relationship then you could also be perfectly setup to benefit from this situation. But you also be setting yourself up for failure.

See the person who is trying to heal and recover from a relationship usually wants someone to keep them company and help to ease their pain. Usually they can rebound too quickly and jump into a relationship before they’re ready, but if they’re smart they also get into a friends with benefits situation and that can generally appease them until they feel they are ready to put their heart into it again. Then there is the person who doesn’t want anything serious and just wants to fuck around. This setup works for them too as long as it doesn’t seem too personal or exclusive. It’s pretty self explanatory too.

Hopefully this post will help people understand why if you aren’t a direct talker but you exhibit these actions and someone says they were misled or anything of the sort, this will clear it up. It should always be understood that physical actions work as well as actual words. Pay attention to the situation and the person. Don’t overplay the deal and you will be fine.

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Heart Chronicles

There is something that I think many need to make sure to understand, the lack of openness or a suppression natural affection and sexual intimacy is not a reflection necessarily of both parties in a relationship. Most times it can be the result of one persons lack of transparency, but it can have a transfer effect. Meaning, that that missing or negligent action can cause doubts on both parts. Or, it can create a sense of resentment. Either way both are dangerous and need to be monitored because they can cause serious problems within a relationship.

As I’ve been saying recently, it’s not always one major thing that happens that causes change. It usually is smaller things that occur, that either lead up to the big thing happening that is obvious and noticed or the small things happen often enough, or in important enough situations that they’re noticed, at which point something must be done. It would be a mistake to just dismiss something small happening now, because it can be the catalyst that leads to something bigger down the road. If you notice these things happening you can handle it a number of ways and each carries different consequences. One way you can address the situation is to speak with intent on it. Meaning, ask why is it happening. Why is there a need to hide or feel the need to sneak if there is happiness and moving on one accord?

Be careful though because if that person isn’t use to that type of directness or bluntness it can lead to a retraction in that person. They may feel attacked and rather than engage in the conversation they may push back and attempt to disprove what it is that you’re putting forward. The other reaction you could get is a direct response. One that either you must accept or push forward if you feel that it doesn’t address the issue sufficiently. The second way you could handle it is just let it go. Don’t entertain it or any thoughts that could be associated with it. Maybe it’s just a situation that the person wanted an immediate fix and you were busy in the house and they chose to do it themselves and not involve you. Nothing against you and nothing indicating that any attraction is being lost or missing.

This is the passive approach, but it’s one that could also work. Again, it may allow for the situation to die out and not be tackled because it just may not need addressing at all. But be ware, because this could also be a flash point that needs to be marked as a sign of trouble down the line. Always remember, you have to maintain being present, which means attune to things within your relationship. A third way to deal with it combines the two approaches in a way. You address it but not questioning the deal. Speak your peace as to the necessity of your partner self pleasing themselves with you there in the house just in another room. Make it known your displeasure and let them think about why did they need to hide it and do it alone in the first place.

Now what you do after that is really up to you. If they don’t really have an answer and then ask you to join, well decide what you want to do. Maybe that was just a way for you to invite yourself, even though it was being hidden and you had to be playful and pull back the covers to see what’s happening. But maybe they wanted you to do it. Also consider, that had you not done any of that. Had you not played with person, had you not pulled the covers off none of that, you would’ve never known anything. It would’ve continued to be done and you would be in the dark. Maybe you need to leave them alone with your words and their thoughts. Nothing further to be said. No argument to have, no conversation to be debated. Just blunt words and then silence.

This has multiple ways it can turn out as well. Maybe the person thinks and talks to you about it and you clear the air and things improve. Maybe it leads to some tension and silence and nothing is really resolved. Or maybe there is some quiet, silent reflection that leads to discussion or action to ease your fears and doubts. Hopefully the outcome is the one you desire and the two of you can move forward in a peaceful and happy manner. Remember, relationships are going to have issues and obstacles. They will the most minimal of things to heavy and major things. Decide where it fits and handle it accordingly. It grows you both and makes you better if you accept it.

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Rediscovery of Identity

Often times when you’ve gone through something traumatic, especially if it’s at the hands of a lover, you tend to lose yourself for a time while you recover and heal. And if you choose to stay in that relationship longer after the damage has been inflicted upon you, you’re further alienating yourself from you. Because you have to turn into a survivor. That’s right, the minute that you try to remain in something damaging, you are no longer really living. At that point what you’re doing is existing, surviving until you ground yourself again and find you.

Once you decide to leave that situation you start that process of rediscovery. It takes you through the highs and lows of the past. It reminds you of the person you use to be. It harkens back to better days and maybe even bad days to see just how far you’ve drifted away from yourself. It is a painful process, but ultimately one that becomes necessary in order for you to center yourself and move forward. Magnify that times ten when it comes to entering back into a relationship and defining yourself and role within the scope of that situation. If you’ve ever lost yourself in a relationship you know how hard it is to rediscover that being in the next one. Primarily because most of us really won’t take the time to examine who we became during that time and evaluate how much of that person we want to keep and how much we want to remove. Want to return to the person that we once were with some enhancements.

It is a challenge that becomes more difficult because as you evolve as a person that mark will move. There are risks to over compensating for the errors you made. Making too drastic a change because of the pain. You run the risk of changing all of you when you may only need to alter a small part. Trying to decide who you are in the current moment is hard enough without dealing with the past pains and traumas. It is also why I understand the need, usually earlier in relationships, for there to be a healthy amount of jockeying for status. Both of you trying to test your boundaries of what will be tolerated. Both trying to see just who is the more dominant person in the relationship. Both trying to re-establish their relationship identity.

Once you lose yourself, you tend to force yourself not to get too lost again. It’s a measure of control that many seek to keep because they don’t want to be hurt too much. They don’t want to be made a fool of and the normal action taken is to hold back. To present variations of yourself until you are ready and comfortable with the person you want to present and who you will giving yourself to. These awkward moments should be expected and shouldn’t be dismissed. They don’t need to be dwelled upon either. You each should take stock of the physical and emotional reactions you got. Think about what you said or did to cause it and understand the limit that your partner just placed on you. If it was something funny and joking understand that within the funny is a message.

I lost nuisances of understand that a message can be hidden in all things is something we should do a better job of. We can laugh and be joking in order to tamp down the harshness of what’s being said, but it shouldn’t be dismissed as not being serious. It should be possibly looked at as your partner wanting to restrict you without hurting you. Also, during this time don’t be afraid to address things that bother or aggravate you. This is when you should be alerting your lover to the things that you aren’t satisfied with. Again, it may be uncomfortable but it will better your relationship in the long run. Talking and understanding, giving constructive and considerate criticism is what makes relationships last. That authenticity and knowledge that you will get the truth from your partner is invaluable.

I’ve always said that until your relationship experiences that uncomfortable honest period, then you haven’t really begun reaching the deeper truths of your relationship. As long as everything is rosy and sunshiny you have nothing to really worry about. Once things become more serious and real, once there is self reflection and evaluation. Once you are asked to listen to your heart and once you have some positives and negatives of each other is when you really know whether or not you love that person deeply. That’s when you really know whether or not you have a love that is really lasting. That’s also when you really find out if you have rediscovered yourself. If you find yourself repeating the same things from before, maybe there is still substantial work to do. If you find yourself seeing the same issues, maybe you aren’t as ready as you think you are.

Always be willing to challenge yourself. Always be willing to look at yourself with a honest lens, not just the you don’t want to be alone lens. Healthy and happy people create healthy and happy relationships. A strong understanding of self and a love of that self is a big of the equation. So for all of those who may be questioning things about yourself. Wondering if you have truly found yourself, look deeper into the mirror and ask yourself if you have rediscovered yourself? If you have then hey move forward in the way that you see forth. If you still in that process, then let time finish working on you and that love will most surely follow.

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Heart Chronicles

So it’s fair to say that I’ve written a good bit about the need and importance of sex in relationships. In this post I will expand a little deeper into the why and what it does. How it has such an important role and what a lack of it can mean for you and your relationship. Sit back, read, relax and enjoy. As always if you have comments feel free to leave them.

The why about sex being important is more than just the obvious and face value. Yes it feels amazing and it’s a great way to release tension from you and your partner. Whether it be towards each other or the just the general ebbs and flows of life. But, there is really a tangible benefit to having sex, or better yet, making love in your relationship. When you and your partner make love, be it slow and intimate or aggressive and passionate, what you’re doing is intertwining your bodies. You’re making that connection that you have even deeper. Because you are giving your most prized possession to that person, You. It can’t be understated just how much control is relinquished in a relationship once sex becomes a normal part of the activities.

Think about it for a minute. You have that special person and y’all are happy, things are going well, the vibe is amazing, but you’ve yet to get naked and let the physical attraction take over. While there is a bond and deepness that grows and develops from the time spent, the cuddling, talking and shit, nothing sends the feelings into overdrive like giving all of you to that person. Once that happens and the two of you have made love for the first time, everything changes. It’s not the same and you can’t even try to lie about it. You have just solidified your relationship with the most special gift of all. It’s then that you really find out just how bonded the two of you are. It takes all the words you’ve spoken and promises you’ve made and made them real and actual. Because now they have a piece of you and you have a piece of them.

Now the how is a little more intricate but just as relative. If you refer back to the previous paragraphs sex is the glue that binds the two of you together. How it does that is really simple if you think about it. Most people tend to value who they give their bodies too. And if it’s relationship wise, giving of your body is really the symbolic gesture of surrendering your heart. That’s what really happens when you lay with your lover. It is the act of you giving up control. It’s the emotions being released and bound and the heart being officially being tethered to that person. You have just done what you are or aren’t ready for. Made that person in control of you and the emotions that you display towards them. No matter what is said about you always being in control of you, when you love someone we all know that doesn’t apply the same way anymore.

What it does it changes everything. It allows for there to be tension and arguments so that there can be makeup sex. The best part, to some, of sex. Being able to disagree with that person and then releasing all that heat and passion in a sexual expression. If you’re the top or the male role, then you want to pound them cheeks or puss into submission. You want to make them know that you have that dominance over the situation. You want to make them submit to you and your will. If you’re the bottom or the taker in the situation, maybe you want to be punished and pleased. You want to be dominated or you may want to dish out a little aggression of your own. Maybe you sit on top and rid your partner so you can have control of the situation. Either way it goes, the sex allows you to release the frustration and get those good feeling endorphins released.

What it also does is change the mood and tenor of the environment without needing lots of discussion or time. If the debates are relatively small in nature, however, if things are more serious, sex can have a way of greasing the skids to ease into a more difficult and complicated conversation that needs to take place. Or just remove the conversation part at all until a later time when all parties are more prepared for the conversation. What it also does is allow for you to feel that love and passion that your lover has for you. It makes you feel as good as you want to feel, and we all want to feel good because of the one we love.

Now, if your relationship is lacking in the love making department, then it can mean a few things and most all of them aren’t good. If you aren’t having sex, then you have no real release value that the two you can engage in together. You are missing that physical connection as well, which is much needed. It can be hurtful because it can cause a buildup of tension and make you feel on edge more than you should. It leads to doubts and concerns of infidelity. It can make you feel unwanted and unattractive. These are all things that you don’t want to make your lover feel and if you have this present it needs to be addressed. A lack of sex brings about feelings of uncertainty. It can also make you wonder if the person is really into the relationship. The exception to this is if the two of you have agreed to wait until marriage to have sex.

The other exception is if the person is a virgin and you’re waiting for an appropriate time that they’re comfortable to have sexy with you. In these cases the intimate time spent talking, cuddling and bonding are precious and forming the necessary groundwork for that first night.

So there you have it. My feelings on the how, what and why’s of sex. The importance and what it creates. Having it, you feel good, you’re relationship is likely in a good place. You’re environment is a good one. If the sex is bad, well that’s a whole different conversation, but at least you having it. If you lacking, well time to make some decisions and think about what you want to do. If you want to save the relationship figure out how to put that extra spark back into your love life. If you don’t let it die and get out.

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Gay Isn’t Traditional

So, the title is meant to encompass the entire community. The LGBTQ+, but that isn’t as catchy as just the simple opening title. Now, lets get into what I mean by this and how it applies to the daily shits of life. Many relationships in the community seems to have a basis in the traditional male and female relationship. There has to be a masculine, dominant one and a submissive more feminine one. Now, most times that is going to come to pass because people are typically split as type A or Alpha people and the type B or submissive people. The natural dynamics of human interaction says that the outgoing person tends to date a more low key type person. The alpha tends to want a submissive type and fill in the blanks in between.

Why is this important? Because too many people assume that the looks of a guy determine what he is in his relationship. That’s usually the funniest and most inaccurate thing that you can judge from. Now yes, there are some guys that will openly show you who they are. But it doesn’t always mean that it follows that script all the time. For example if a feminine dressed or personality type is out in public, most people also assume that he is a bottom and submissive in his relationship. While that sometimes is true, there are more times than not, that it’s not the entire truth. Sometimes he’s the more dominant one and the bottom or the submissive one and the top and sometimes they do both and want both.

Furthermore, when it comes to getting married, there is this assumption that things go traditionally and the engagement as well. Most tend to follow this, but those that are current and present, realize that it isn’t necessary to follow a heterosexual script, because we’re gay not traditional. I’ve long since said that I am not a traditional guy. I don’t intend to have a typical wedding where only one person is being walked down the aisle. Also, I don’t want an engagement where only one of us gets to have that special moment. I think we each deserve to be proposed to and say yes to this engagement. I wish more in the community stopped thinking like we’re the same as straight couples. We have the same rights yes, but we also have the right to make our own dynamics.

One thing that I’ve appreciated so much about my current boyfriend, is that we have embraced the idea of being nontraditional. We agree that each should get their special proposal. We agree that we both should be walked down the aisle by our person of choice. While we do have some dynamics that are similar to hetero couples, such as the masculated and feminated dynamics with regards to character traits, but there can be a blend at times. We have many moments where we both exhibit feminine traits and masculine traits. It’s truly the part of this relationship that makes things unpredictable. Because for us, we both have big personalities. We embrace the fact that there is no ultra male or female here. We know what roles we typically tend to portray and we love who we are.

Being gay is awesome in my opinion. While we are still struggling for acceptance and we struggle as men to be fully accepted, for us it’s amazing. We can write our own rules. We don’t have to play by the norms for society just because someone wants to put us in a box. We have the right to determine what is normal for us and have no problem braking the molds that are predetermined. I hope that many of you out there that are in this community understand this concept. Embrace your difference, love your individualism and reject the urge to be boxed into a group or painted with a broad brush. Gay is not traditional. Gay is not a relic. It is very much so contemporary and progressive and growing. Think of yourself as a blank canvas and paint whatever portrait you want the world and those around you to see.

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Heart Chronicles

There is one fundamental lesson that must come from allowing yourself to love again, if you’ve been heartbroken. You must learn to love yourself and more importantly, all in love with yourself before you fall in love with someone else again. I know some may think this is a no-brainer or trivial, but you would be amazed how many people skip this step or don’t fully complete this step before getting back out there. Let me tell you, if you find real love before you’ve finished doing the work on yourself, you will find yourself torn between accepting the new, while removing and disowning the past. It is one of the most important things that you can do for yourself. To allow yourself to be in love with yourself again. It brings a special power with it that can’t be understated.

Falling in love with yourself again means that you have forgiven yourself for the past pain and hurt that you went through. It means that you have allowed yourself to remember just how special and deserving you are of that true and beautiful love. It also allows for the special someone to get in close to your heart. It embraces the magical moments being made, it gets caught up in the moment and doesn’t care about what happened before. It aides in removing those past memories that are taking up space in your mind, so you can make room for the amazing memories that you are currently making. What it really does is allow your soul to be replenished and your heart to feel light. Can you imagine if you are in love with someone else and not fully in love with yourself? Are you this person?

How can you be giving all of you to the next one and not appreciating the love within yourself for yourself? Honestly, this is me to a degree. The more that I find myself loving this man I’m with, the more I’m realizing my own love for myself. The more he loves on me and professes his love for me, the more I quietly profess my love for myself. The more we lay together, body to body, pulling the harmonious, loving energy from each other, the more my heart gets lighter, feels purer, embraces his unconditional love that he is providing. Sometimes, it can take for you giving all of the love you have left to someone else, and them return that love ten fold to you, for you to realize just how much you have love for the person that you are. And once you realize that, honestly it opens you up to continue to love harder and deeper. It allows you to breathe again. Enjoy the little things once more, like before.

The heart is a vessel that needs constant attention. It needs to be massaged, talked to, loved, nurtured and developed. When it gets hurt or broken, it needs to be reassured, rebuilt, comforted and protected. If all these things are done, then you have a chance at finding true love again, otherwise, you continue to falter and have false starts. Sometimes you neglect to complete all these steps before you start looking for love. Usually, that’s when that someone helps you or pushes you to want to finish the work. Because you start to feel something on the inside that you want to let blossom into the beauty that it holds. It means taking control of the fear and uncertainty and reassuring yourself that this love won’t repeat the past failed love.

Take your time, take small steps, don’t try to over do it and allow the process to follow you. When you are genuine and intentional about healing and loving, it can be accomplished at the same time. Just understand that once the veins to the heart have been opened and blood is freely flowing, you are vulnerable and no longer in control. Make sure that the man or woman that you are giving this power to and embarking on this journey with, is worth the effort. If you’re assured of that, then gear up and enjoy the journey. It just may be the last one you need to take and the one that leaves you eternally satisfied.

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Integrity Matters

If you know me, then you know that one thing that I stand for more than anything else is having integrity for yourself. That statement is one that should apply universally to all things and in all things that you do. Having integrity means that you should always uphold your word once you give it. It means that you should be proactive to handle matters in life and not reactive, when possible. I find it utterly amazing how many people love to talk the talk of realness and integrity, only to fall way short of those words when the actions are called for. Another thing about integrity is you can’t verbally claim it, it’s something that you must demonstrate, always and without fail.

I dare you to apply this to your life and to the people that you know, and see of the people you have kept around you, how they fit within this dynamic. Think of the folks that you have been or are in relationships with. Was integrity, or lack there of, a role in the downfall or success of the relationship. I think more now than ever, in the times we live in and with the state of the nation, people should want to be filled with as much integrity as possible. They should want to show that they are as legit and forward as can be. I will never be one to say that we will miss this mark at some point in time, because we’re all human, but the overwhelming practice should be to show this trait as often as possible.

I am one of those people who believes that when the difficult conversations and topics come to the table, that’s when you should show your integrity the most. It’s the time when you need to be the most thorough and legit as you can. Why, because just think, if you have someone who isn’t willing to be straight up or they switch up when the shit gets dicey, is that someone that you really want in the foxhole with you should things get hard in life? Do you want to have someone is only a fair weather partner? You know, someone who is great to be around when things are breezy and smooth, but flakey when things get tough? I really believe that more relationships fail due in some part to this trait lacking in its existence.

I really feel strongly about the need to talk openly and forwardly from the beginning. I think that when you show yourself to be the same no matter good days or bad, it gives a confidence, a reassurance of the stability that you can count on from someone. It also allows you to be seen as reliable and dependable. I can’t tell you how important this becomes to a relationship when times get tough or just when people try to throw trash into your space to disrupt what you’re trying to build. To be honest, your integrity is for your partner as much as it’s for yourself. What it gives them is trust in you and your word. And if that isn’t one of the most important, if not the most important thing then I don’t know what is.

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A letter to the heart

Sometimes in life you have to take a moment to be honest and real with yourself. You have to take some time to speak to your heart from your heart. I that sounds crazy or you ask how the hell can you both from your heart and to your heart. Well, I think that speaking from the heart means your speaking genuinely and without hesitation. That you’re being as honest and open as you can with yourself. Speaking to your heart means that you’re really talking to yourself. Giving yourself the honest opinion and advice as you see it from your eyes, think it from your mind, and feel it from your body. In a way it’s a sort of validation or contradiction of things felt by yourself. You give clarity, as best you can, to things that you feel.

It is imperative, in my view, that you have this kind of honest discussion with yourself on a regular basis. It is needed if you to have a full and grounded approach to life. It’s necessary for you to be able to be considerate of yourself and others. It’s a way for you to have the necessary control of yourself and emotions/feelings that’s required. Honestly, for me this is usually one of the toughest assignments that I give to myself. Sometimes, because I have so many different feelings and thoughts that I’m not sure which to really give energy and voice to and which to just ignore and let go because they really need to be let go. It is also because I have often times struggled with handing the deep emotional parts of life that are brought forward.

I also struggle with this when it comes to dealing with people because I have no real ability to know the thoughts and feelings of someone else, other than what they tell me. When trying to have appropriate rationale of someone else if you don’t really have their full, honest and open disposition you will always be wrong. You must be comfortable with making decisions that are hard even when you aren’t sure. You have to trust and rely on the knowledge built up and the feel you have amassed for people and situations to get you through this time. You can never really allow yourself to let your heart have full control a matter unless you are ready for anything that may come of it. Being vulnerable enough to let your heart be exposed is something that can lead to tremendous heartache, but it also lead to amazing reward.

The heart is something that you can never take for granted. You don’t get another one once it’s been broken beyond repair. You are always changed every time you give yourself to someone and they break your heart. You are always different with each emotional let down and disappointment. I think the fair thing to do is assess how you feel on a weekly and monthly basis. Allow yourself room to adjust as things affect you in different ways. Allow yourself to feel whatever feelings you need to move past some things in order to make room for other things. Make sure you have a full understanding of the dynamics surrounding you. It is very important that you have a real life understanding of what’s going on and not simply going off the discomfort you may be feeling. Take time to breathe and allow the peace and quiet to help analyze things for yourself. Make sure you’re being fair to both parties involved.

It is an extremely scary situation once your heart is involved because you that you can’t easily pull it back. You know that once you involve all the emotions and feelings that are associated with a vulnerable heart, you will allow for mistakes to be made that need to happen in order to grow. It doesn’t mean your allowing your red lines to be crossed nor does it mean you should allow for yourself to be taken advantage of or have a feeling of being less than. It means you know that you’re going to have to deal with imbalance and inequality here and there. It means that you’re going to have to be mindful to determine whether or not the relationship is mutually beneficial as it should be. It means that you will have to be open to the possibility of things ending suddenly. It means you will have to be open to the possibility of things changing and adapting to that change.

It can also mean that you experience a level of happiness and pleasure that you’ve never felt before. It means that you have to willing to accept that pure and unconditional love can be given to you and you have to accept it. It means that you have to be willing to allow your partner to have control sometimes, in order to allow for you to feel the comfort of their protection as well. In order for you to have all the things that your heart desires and you have dreamed of, you will have to relinquish full control. You must allow for someone to love you deeply in their own way. For them to show you they love and care you for you in a way that feels comfortable for them, but is reassuring for you too. Passion and intimacy and love are things that come with time and feeling and comfort.

These are things that can’t really be defined with time. They aren’t equally or universally shown the same way. It requires a finesse of the heart. It requires you to take yourself out of the equation of satisfaction and put your partner first and allow them to satisfy you. It means telling your partner what makes you feel good and how you like to be treated, so that they can figure out how to do it in their way to you so that you feel the love. And so that you know the love is real and legitimate from them. I know that all of this seems so complicated and at times frustrating. But that is part of what love is. That is part of what leading with your heart means. It takes the thoughts from the mind filter them through your heart. There is a real solid chance that it will lead to varying degrees of happiness and sadness. You may feel disappointed and surprised. All of these things are normal and should be allowed to happen.

The goal is that with time and communication and practice, it will become normal to feel the good. Abnormal to feel the pain or disappointment and regular for the love and romance and passion to be on display. These things happening means that the love is real. That the heart is being exercised and the feelings are freely flowing. Good, bad, great, disappointment. All these words will be used at one time or another. Accept them all, embrace them all. Learn from the unhappy words, bask in the positive ones and hopefully a life full of memories and love will follow.