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Know When to Fold and Walk Away

One of my most talked about principles when it comes to dating and the past, is that there is a time and place for the past to become jus that. Even through the desire to hold on to a friendship and provide that continued support, you have to know when to truly step away from that person and give space and air so you can truly have just the friendship you desire to keep. Or, maybe it’s one of those situations where you have to know when to say enough is enough and walk away for good, no strings left to be attached to. I have always held that concept to be accurate because I thought that no matter what you say or do, when the end comes you have to embrace it. No matter how much it may hurt and be uncomfortable. No matter how hard it is for you to mentally accept and fathom that that person will be loving someone else, touching someone else, fucking someone else, you have to learn to let go. I held very firm to that belief until the past couple years with two specific individuals. Now to be clear, there have been others who have danced around in and out, but when I mean these two have been like my constant always turning over the rock again every few months, it’s serious.

To give back story to each of these men, the first ex that I keep doing the dance with, has been in my life for eleven years. Back to when I was adjusting to so many things changing in my life. He provided a sense of peace and love for me. He accepted all the changes I had going on, and while he didn’t always know how to handle them, he did his best to stand beside me. We had a deep and passionate connection. The issues centered really around self-esteem and self-worth. A lack of both of those on his part led to him doubting his worth and usefulness in our relationship. This was despite numerous talks and efforts to reassure him that his purpose in my life wasn’t around what he could contribute monetarily. Nor was it about how complete of a man he was, knowing that I was still a major work in progress. I just had things figured out a little more and was a little more driven to see my way through the mountains that were placed in front of me. We would eventually separate, as he was certain he needed to learn how to be on his own and do things for himself before he could be fully committed to me. While I never wanted to break up while he figured those things out, he felt that it was best not to have a relationship hanging over his head while he was trying to discover himself and grow into the man he wanted to become.

I fought him to the ground over that decision, but ultimately I had to understand that this was something very personal to him and I had to accept that and allow him to do things his way. In my mind, love doesn’t let you be selfish and hold someone in place for your benefit. You trust that that bond will remain in tact and that when the time is right, if he is meant to be with you, you two will find each other. We went through these starts and stops. Only to see him move away and both of us move on. Finding love in different places, that really wasn’t that lasting love we sought. We would keep up with each other off and on over the years. Trying to rekindle that flame and deal with the different issues that crept up over the years of being apart and having life create more baggage to clean up. Every time we start doing the work, a big blow up or misunderstanding would happen and we would stop talking. Or, he would get too scared of what was happening and run away. Saying that while he loved the idea of being with me and wanted that, that he still wasn’t mentally and emotionally ready to commit to me.

The second man, well he was the last guy I was engaged to be married to. The love affair with him began so innocently, and heated up so quickly. It was like a freight train that I really couldn’t control. He had a very charming and determined mindset and he knew what he wanted. No matter that he was 12 years younger than me, he was set on getting what he wanted, which was me. And honestly, he fit the entire package of what I wanted in a man and I was more than happy to go on the journey with him. We got engaged after only being together for three months, but I had to slow things down in order to make sure we really knew who we were getting in each other and that we weren’t just so swept up in emotion and love that we made a decision that wasn’t truly ready to be made. In total we’ve known each other for 7 years now. Back then, we were nearly inseparable. We spent almost every weekend together and we would have fun dates and amazing times together. He was always the bougie one, wanting to be as politically correct as possible. And that worked for me, because while I’m highly educated and regimented in certain things, I have a very laid back approach most times, so he balanced me out well. The major problems with him stemmed from the need to control everything. I’m not submissive and I can’t be molded to behave like, or think like someone wants me to.

It was so striking to me that for all the commonality we shared and the ease with which we loved each other, there was such a hard push pull on the relationship because that asshole didn’t know when to shut the fuck up and let me be and do me. He was always concerned with what appearance someone else saw in regards to his relationship and the man that he was dating. It was less about there really being an issue, and more about what his family or certain friends would think if they knew about some of my skeletons from the past. There was also this tension from him having a more old school, traditional belief about how a male role was to be portrayed, and me being far more modern, contemporary and worldly in my views. He felt that the man should always have a refined, tailored look. Having a little hair was fine but always well kept and his guy should never have his hair braided. It was too hood and street, no matter that it was very much so a part of our culture. He also felt that his man shouldn’t have a very checkered past, preferring the clean nose to the more experienced person. Well I failed both of those requirements, I liked the options to have my hair braided or worn out, and I had one hell of a checkered past in certain aspects of my personal life.

The truth was professionally and most time emotionally and mentally, we were connected. We shared many of the same beliefs and values about life and how to maneuver through it. When I took him home to meet my family it was nothing for them to like him and approve of my choice in partner. I loved seeing him and my moms and grandma talking and interacting with each other. He made me so proud that I had chosen to be with him and he chose me. That we worked through some of our adversity and had a bond that seemed to be unbreakable. But, his need for perfection and desire to control eventually just became too unbearable for me, and the end came far sooner than I imagined it would. While he tried harder than I did to keep the relationship going, I decided that it was better if we weren’t together until he could figure out how to let go of that need to control his man. I was too independent and strong to be reigned in by anyone, especially if I felt what you were saying didn’t make me better.

Both of these men had special relationships with me and my family. Both my biological family and my gay family. I introduced them both to both sides of my family structure, because I have always been really big on family being important to me. My gay family has meant just as much to me as the one I was born into. My mother really took well to both guys. She had a special bond with the first guy. That nigga opened up to her in a way that he hadn’t even opened up to with me. So I was very appreciative to learn some of the things I did during those talks with the three of us, because I gained a better perspective for him. At the same time, I was so disappointed that he shied away from giving to me and to being more accessible to my gay family. We both talked about how much we wanted a family and how much having a supportive and positive gay family was to us. It hurt that he was so caught up in himself and his faults to be able to commit to the full dynamics of our relationship. Now the second guy, he was the complete opposite. He loved being in that environment with me and my gay family. He went to church with us and out to lunch. He was there for some of our famous dinner parties at my house too.

These events allowed for them to see him and for him to see them as equals and as family. It also though, allowed for my kids to see a little of what I talked about when they would question why we hadn’t pushed forward with marriage yet. They saw some of his perfectionist ways and how he would try to have a little more control over how I conducted myself with my family. While they never disrespected him or said anything wrong to him, they would regularly talk to me about how they had concerns regarding his style and mines. Knowing that I was going to address it anyway and that I wasn’t going to be moved to change unless I felt it was warranted. For all the years since I’ve been in a committed relationship with either of these men, it’s the memories that I have with them over the years and the deep love we shared that never let me fully end their chapters of love in my book. I always held commas for both of them, not wanting to fold my hand and walk away just yet. Always feeling that if I gave them enough time to figure things out, which allowed me time to continue to work on me to always present the best and true version of myself, we would figure this thing out. At least one of them would be ready to move past all the travails of the past and find our rightful places together in the future.

See I was going against everything that I’ve told my kids and friends to do. I allowed myself to keep going back to the well. To see them as potential last loves and forever partners. The truth is I probably should have stuck to my rules regarding the past a couple of years ago with both of them. Allowing myself to keep the wonderful friendships we formed and nothing more. Giving enough air and breath to the situation so we could fully heal ourselves to close the door to a love relationship and keep the friendship in tact. Instead here we are today, both of these men tried to get back into the space in my heart and I opened the door for each of them. Allowing them to show me who they are today so I can decide which is the one for me. Not really knowing if this would the last time I would renig on my promise to myself again about letting the past truly be the past, unless they show you they are the best thing for your future. And so what is the truth about this time and today versus the past. Fact is that the issues are different, but the outcome is the same.

The first guy has done all the things he said he was going to do. He has established himself and gotten his life in order. He is in a positive place in his life. He is also divorced. He got married to someone who couldn’t do half the things that I could for him. He wasn’t half the man I was and yet he made him his first husband. He admitted to me that he made a mistake but found something in the man he couldn’t resist. Though he couldn’t help provide and he called me for financial assistance, he was all in with the guy, until it burned deep in flames. He came back to be numerous times, and this time I finally allowed myself to fully address all the issues that plagued us. I let my guard down to let him in again as he asked. We were working on all the things we said we wanted to see from each other in order to build a new foundation of love that would take us into forever. I gave him the consistent phone conversation time he was seeking and then he flipped the script. Once I gave him all of what he was asking for, now he has become a ghost. Seemingly running away again, and from what this time I have no fucking clue. No calls in four days, no texts in two days. I’ve called him numerous times in different times of day only to get no answer. I texted him throughout the day, to get no answer. So now I ask what next.. and my answer is simple… I will give you what I said I gave to everyone else, the period next to your name. The chapter of love in my book will now close for you. Friend you may remain, but lover you will never be again.

The second guy naturally took a slightly different approach. Our path has been much harder and emotionally challenging. We’ve addressed the issues we had and I can see that time has allowed him to have grown to having a much more varied view of life and relationships. No longer does he hold to some of those old ass traditional beliefs. He doesn’t try to control me, but he is always trying to make sure he can control the situations that involve us. He tries not to allow a conversation to get too emotional or deep. He avoids having to fully address topics that involve him being vulnerable and expose his feelings too deeply. He tells me that he is scared of my mouth and anger when we talk and he says something that I have a strong disagreement to because I don’t filter what I say and his feelings can get hurt some what easily. Understanding that I worked on being less expressive verbally. Not changing what I say, just how much or how frequently I say something and that worked well. One day he comes out the blue and said to me why don’t we get married. Very passive and I thought he was being funny. I laughed and asked was he serious, he said he was.

It was then that I told him I needed time and we would address the situation again at a later date, once I had time to really process what was being asked and whether I thought we were ready for something like that. Why that surprised me so much is that we still haven’t seen each other since I moved back to Atlanta three years ago. So I don’t understand why you want to marry me and we haven’t even had time to see what the actual vibe and energy is like again in person. After a few weeks, we finally discussed that idea. I told him that in order for me to really consider it and marry him, he needed to really do one thing for me: He had to open himself up and become vulnerable with me again. That meant seeing each other and spending time together, getting deeper into conversations and letting me see how evolved he is in his processes. It was agreed and we had set a day to see each other of last Thursday. Well when that day arrived the bullshit began from jump. After I was off work and able to meet up, he came with the biggest bullshit excuse I’ve ever heard. He said that he was unable to follow through because financially he wasn’t making the huge salary he thought, even though he just brought a house 9 months ago and you live with family so you aren’t paying a majority of bills. Despite you telling me how much you’re hanging out with your friends and going to dinners you are paying for. But you weren’t ready just to see me because your mental was fucked up cuz your bag not full as you want.

If he was staying home and not really doing shit, I would’ve accepted his reasoning. But know that just a few days before you was out in the streets with your friends and shit, that pissed me the fuck off. I’m proud of myself for how I reacted though. Rather than fire off a strong ass message or phone call, I decided just not to say shit. I left it alone with a simple okay. Knowing that he knows me well enough to know shit ain’t gravy with us. As the days have past, I have thought about it and I’ve decided his fate must meet that of my other ex. The comma is erased from you and the period is placed. The book closes on the chapter of love with you and maybe the era of friendship has arrived. Different in all ways from that of lover or potential lover.

It hurts me to do this twice in a week with two guys that I truly loved with all my heart. It makes me have continued doubts about myself and makes me have to rebuild my own self-esteem. I keep asking myself why if I’m so everything these men want, do I get dismissed and fucked over when I finally relent and give them all that they ask for. When I hold something back, they keep coming for it. The minute I show them all of what they want to see, they run and claim they’re not ready. That their mental isn’t right, that emotionally they aren’t ready to commit. But weren’t you just saying last week, you want me to let my guard down. All this shit and now I have to walk away. I know when to do this and I see that the time is now. Forever my love will be with you, but today I fold and walk away.

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Heart Chronicles – Real equals Real

Part of the problem with dating in the gay community, particularly the Black Gay community, is that no one really wants to be real and open with themselves and their feelings. Clearly this doesn’t apply to all people and in all places, but it is especially for folks who live in major metropolitan cities that are highly attractive tourist cities. There is this seemingly invisible, but very noticeable, atmosphere of fakeness. In short, so many niggas feel like they either have to stunt, pretend or manipulate their way through relationships. Willing to do emotional, mental and in some cases, physical trauma to a person in order to get what they want. Or to make sure that they’re never “missing out” on the next hot thing they see. It is the sad truth, that more often than not, gays like to be hoes. They like to feel like they’re the shit because they can get lots of dick or ass at any time, rather than feeling great knowing that that’s out there, but someone wants to take the time to know them and try to build something special and meaningful with them.

I think part of that struggle to get real and be real is because so many guys now are willing to have long term friends with benefits, and there is now a huge increase of open relationships, or polyamorous relationships. Essentially creating the space for a man to have what he wants. To be able to have more than one guy that they are dating and fucking and it all be above board. It allows the hoe to be a hoe, while also giving himself a little sense of security, because they have one or multiple that are their consistent sex and emotionally connected person. Missing are the days where guys really want to have something consistent. Something that takes time and effort and makes you have to show your true self in order to get what it is that you want. It is truly my opinion that because so many guys who want something real, come across all these liars and fakes, they eventually grow tired and allow themselves to just have casual interests, while waiting for the real one to come along. The tricky thing about that though is if you aren’t careful you become just what it is that you didn’t want.

The reality of what I notice is that it’s hard to come across people who are willing to tell you the truth and let that stand for itself. They rather tell a room full of lies and misrepresentations, when the simple truth will do. If all you want is sex with no strings say that from jump. If you’re looking for friends with sex privileges, then let that be known from jump as well. Don’t sit and give the lip service, you know you want to find someone special or you not trying to rush into anything; knowing that what you really mean is you just want to fuck and leave the emotions and attachments for another day if ever. The truth of the matter is you will attract what it is that your energy gives off. You can say all day long that you want the real thing, but if you’re vibes and energy don’t say that, you’re likely to come across mostly people who just want to fuck . Or those who to fuck and get financial benefits from you. It is very interesting just how many people say they want a guy but really they want the perks of the guy without really putting themselves into the situation.

The other unfortunate thing that comes from these currents dealings in a lot of places across the country is guys taking advantage of the getting to know you process. You know how that goes, you get a bottom who says they don’t want the usual shit. They don’t wanna Netflix and chill or nothing, they want to be takes on a date or dates. They want more than just the typical interaction. And while that can be true at times, it’s also true that usually means they’re going to use the person for what they can get. if they’re willing to spend a little money to make them feel special, they will try to ride that out for as long as they can. Or the reverse can be true as well. Guys now give the sob story of how they have no one to help them. That they work hard but are always broke. Never having money of their own for anything because they always spend it on “bills”. And again, this can be a logical and reasonable situation, but all too often it’s not. It’s just the latest scheme for a guy to get money out of people for their own benefit. And if the guy is real, he will peep that bull shit and just simply walk away, if he’s not or he’s desperate, well… ya pockets gone get touched up a little bit.

I don’t judge anybody for what they choose to do because it’s not my business to judge how you make your life choices. In this case, I’m just issuing words of advice… if you want to be a hoe be that, if you want to fuck around with a couple people do that, if you want to be a hopeless romantic lover, be that. No matter which path you choose and how you choose to operate in your personal life, just be authentic. Be real about your shit. It’s the thing that separates respect from disgust. I’m easy to admit that I can be a hoe, I can let you be my friend with benefits or I can cuff you. It’s all subject to what energy you give me. It depends on what you show me, more than what you tell me. As I told someone earlier, I do whatever I want whenever I want, until such time that someone decides they want to have my time and I feel they are worth it. They give me honesty and transparency that entices me to want to know more, have more, be more. I’m sure many of you feel the same way and once you announce that to the world, then you allow for all of your options to present themselves transparent and open, the choice then becomes yours.

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Heart Chronicles – A Liars Truth

I don’t know if this will apply to anyone who reads this, but maybe you know someone like this or you’ve been the recipient of this type of situation. There is a reality that I’ve learned about someone who has lied to you on an important level, that to me is funny and at the same time disturbing. A liar feels that once they’ve found their conscious to tell you the truth that they shouldn’t have to bear the brunt of your energy after being told the truth, because they’ve already had to deal with their own issues and feelings about the situation. It’s like they feel entitled to be let off the hook from any further consequence, like ok they admitted to the truth so give them credit and let the situation die. I don’t know who told them that, but that has got to be the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve ever seen. Admitting that you lied isn’t the get out of jail free card. It is the start of maybe being forgiven, and working your way towards being trusted again. The truth starts that process towards healing and having real openness, not you feeling vindicated and just simply moving forward.

Something else that learned about a liar’s truth, is they may not accept all of what them telling the truth means. They don’t necessarily accept that there are emotional pains that need to be healed from the lies. When you lie about serious matters and then come clean, it creates a ripple effect that takes time to recover from, if you ever recover. The trust that’s lost may never return, and just as importantly, the emotional scars you caused by hiding the truth and just expecting your honesty to remove whatever damage you caused is totally unrealistic. I don’t understand why someone who lied feels that they can just snap their fingers with the truth and magically everything is back to normal. You have to do some work to try and gain back what was lost. The vibe is completely fucked up, the energy is off balance, and your mind is no where near stable. Your heart is most likely torn too, because you gave it to someone thinking that they’re going to protect it and cherish it. Instead, they decide to hurt it and tear it apart. Do people think about the full consequences of their act of lying? Is it that you think the truth is more hurtful that those lies you’re about to tell. Or is it that you’re too selfish and don’t want to lose someone?

The worst thing that a liar can do is tell the truth and then shut the conversation off because they don’t want to hear how they’ve made the person feel. It is a cowards way out to me and it also shows how little respect you have for the feelings of the person you’ve been lying to. How can you expect to turn the page and maintain anything of substance if you don’t allow the person to fully express how they feel. It all rings of selfishness in my mind and there really isn’t way to spin it to say it is anything different. If anyone says, oh I lied to protect you because I didn’t think you could handle knowing the truth, you’re just covering up the fact that you knew if you told the truth the person would stop fucking wit yo lame ass. It wasn’t that you lied to protect them, you lied to protect yourself. You knew that you would be on the outs and lose out on someone that was good for you, so you hid that shit so you could keep what you got. The problem is either your conscious or the pressure of keeping up them lies would get the best of you at some point. That is if you really care about the person, you’re not going to want to keep lying to them or hiding shit from them. If you’re just narcistic. In that case, you will keep lying to protect your ass.

Come to think of it, I’m almost sure that most everyone has dealt with this in some fashion with someone close to them in life. Be it a spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend or family member. You know how you felt when the truth was finally told to you. You know that sickening feeling that you got in your stomach. You know how angry and hurt it made you to know that that person would lie to you about something important and significant. I’m sure in the moments that followed you questioned that person, their loyalty to you and whether or not you could trust them. I just really wonder why so many liars feel they’re entitled to coming clean and not having to hear about it though. Like you really feel that you should get a medal for telling the truth. You know, the thing that you’re supposed to do anyway. If you had done that to begin with, there wouldn’t be a need for the moment in the first place. As I found myself in this situation not too long ago, I sat thinking all the things that I’ve written about today. My conclusion for my situation is that the nigga was selfish and only wanted to think about him and what he wanted. Little does he know, it is all coming to an end, sooner than he realizes.

Like, comment, discuss with your people. Tell the truth.

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Heart Chronicles – Can’t get enough

I don’t know if I’ve ever admitted this to the universe, but today is going to be a first. Maybe this blog will help to break that seemingly suffocating cloud that looms in my environment, blocking the next phase of my journey from being grabbed and accepted. Today I have to admit that I’m an sex addict. I don’t know really when this became known to me, but I am here to acknowledge it today. It feels so weird to admit to such a thing because sex is seen as so out of bounds by many, misunderstood by some and nasty by others. Maybe it’s because I’m a openly, Black, gay man and I know that in my community those are three strikes right there, so to also admit that I have an addiction to having sex with men just seems like the final nail in my proverbial coffin. I mean how much more of a sinner could I be in the eyes of some right? For the question is.. how the fuck did I let this happen? When did I really become this sex starved guy? For the longest I use to be the guy that wanted that long term commitment. Wanting to have someone who wanted to share his body mind and soul with me. That way, the sex would feel better, it would linger longer, my dick would stay hard seemingly forever, and my ass would so moist that just a couple strokes would make me cream. I yearned for that in every relationship I had, and because of that, I wasn’t really willing to just fuck just because. I thought that having a couple sex partners being single was cool, but not too many. Always wanting to save the extras for that one guy.

Well, somewhere between being cheated on and mistreated and abused, I guess that hopeless romantic, that deep lover, got sidelined and gave way to the whore that exists today. It feels like I can’t even stop when I say that I’m going to take a break. Since I’ve been single the past 6 months, it’s like I’ve been playing catch for the lack of sexual attention and satisfaction my ex gave me the prior 6 months that we were living together. It felt as though with him I was willing to wait for the moon in order to have sex with him. It didn’t happen often at all, the fuck sessions in six months together. He probably sucked my dick maybe 10 times total. He complained that my dick was too thick made his jaws hurt, so he didn’t want to suck it so often, even though he claimed that dick sucking was his passion. He complained that my width stretched his hole too much and do he couldn’t take having sex regularly with me. Through all that I attempted to make the best of the times when we did. All the while, in the back of my mind I was screaming for more. Wanting to have passionate, love making sex, three times a week. Knowing that anything else would be too much, I figured that would be reasonable. It wasn’t for him and so my drought was epic for me. I thought at that moment I had my sexual sweet tooth under control.

However, once we broke up, it was like the chains to my sexual demon were unleashed and I haven’t been able to stop myself or slow down at all. One after another, same guy, different guy. Ass, dick, head and all of the above. Solo missions and threesomes. One a day up to as many as four a day. Temporarily stopping to get sleep and allow my body to have a slight recovery. Only to be tempted by a cute face, delicious body, big dick, juicy ass, and all that I’ll slow up talk disappeared like smoke from a blunt in the air. Replaced by a sultry lust for release. Not satisfied until that last drop of cum leaves my or his dick. Asses wet, flip fucking, that means we fuck each other, smiling when it’s all said and done. Smoking a blunt or two, just to loosen things up and allow the real freaks to emerge and leave their mark. U name the location, I’ve done it. The driveway, the street, the duck off, the car, the house, the shower, the bathroom, work, home it didn’t matter. I was willing to be caught if it meant releasing that beast that wanted to feel that sexual satisfaction. The fact that I’ve fucked at every job I’ve had since I’ve returned to this city is crazy. To be fair I’ve had two full time jobs and two part times jobs. I’ve fucked in the department store dressing room too. I’ve fucked with people watching in the room, with the blinds and curtains open. I’ve recorded some sessions and watched them back while we prepare to fuck again. All of these encounters and it still hasn’t been enough to satisfy that taste.

What’s crazier is that there is a specific set of people out there, who all they really want is the one off sex with you. No matter how good it was, they don’t want to repeat, they want someone different each time or a different scenario. I am the type of addict that if you got some shit ass and/or dick, I wanna keep getting it until I can’t have it anymore. Blow my mind and make me want to leave you alone. But that just seems to be a little too much here. The itch is too strong that once you have it once, maybe twice, they move on; which in turn means I move on to the next too. Finding the next one who’s ready to fill that prescription. Make me feel how I want to feel so that for that moment or day, my sexual desires are satisfied. I used to know how many people I had slept with. Even when the number was just barely over 100 I knew. Now, it’s been soo many people. Soo many hook ups, link ups and fucks, that I really don’t know. I can’t remember them all if I tried hard, because some days it was all a blur. That sexual fire burning so bright all I cared to do was have my fire rage, and then extinguished from however many sexual interactions it took to calm that flame.

Maybe it’s because of all the hurt and pain that I just turn to the sex as a means of coping. So many years spent trying to be a great boyfriend. Doing all the things I feel that a man should do to keep home happy. Making sure that my lover knew no lack, no not only materialistically, but completely. Loving on him, giving him attention, feeling his emotions. No, I was never perfect and will never pretend to be, but I know I was a damn good boyfriend. I always tried to work on my flaws and made sure that I didn’t make the same mistakes in the next relationship as I did in the prior one. Always willing to take constructive feedback to work on myself and be a better me. That shit never worked. All it did was allow niggas a chance to get the utopia they dreamed of and then run away, claiming they weren’t ready for that realness yet. Maybe it’s how I’m dealing with the loss of my twins and the abortion of what would have been my first born son a couple years earlier. Maybe it’s a ways for me to feel appreciated just a little. As twisted as it may sound, to hear and feel and see someone express their gratitude for your sexual pleasings makes you feel a little better about yourself. Until you realize that it’s just fucking, that you’re just a one off or a dick or ass call, then you want more. Maybe, it’s my way of filling the void of the people that I thought were friends, who ducked out on me. Years of fun times together. Laughing, joking, breaking bread, being there, listening, helping, supporting. But when the time came for me to get that support, feel that love, get that listening ear, break bread to help reassure me all would be well, that was too much to ask and all I get are half assed dry conversations. Avoidance of in person meet ups, to catch up and bond again.

Sex became my escape and my drug. Sex became the way for me to meet some half way cool people. No, they weren’t my true friends, but they filled a void in some way. Some times the sex did become regular, or we did more than just fuck here and there. Never enough, but just enough to take away that edge for that moment or that day. Leaving a trail though, of emptiness and loneliness in its wake. I guess while I don’t know exactly when I became a sex addict, I definitely know why I am one. How or if I can get rid of it, I guess that is the million dollar question.

Talk back to me… do you relate to this at all?

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Heart Chronicles – Letting Go

I’ve spent some time thinking about this current post that I’m writing tonight. It’s suffice to say that we have struggle with this at some point in our lives, for various reasons. In this particular situation I’m addressing the difficulty of having to let go of someone that had your heart. It’s arguably one of the most difficult things that we have to do in life. Whenever we open ourselves up and let someone get close to us, we hope that we never have to close that door and remove or alter how we see that person or those people. In terms of a romantic relationship, it seems that nothing is harder than to have to give up on someone that you love. I think it is pretty obvious why this is so hard, but I’m going to dig a little deeper into the details and also give the logical reasons as to why it ultimately is for your benefit that you move on from what was.

You know on the surface it’s easy for someone to say you need to move on from someone. Or for them to question you as to why you have decided to stay with someone much longer than they feel you should, or longer than what the outside world says you should based upon what they see. The missing element is that anyone who is offering their advice or their opinion, is likely missing key elements as to why you have stayed. They could range from having children, to living together and having financial business tied up together. It could be that when you were in a compromising position that person helped you out of that unfortunate situation. Or maybe for that head space that you were in during that period of your life they were the perfect comforter and supporter. These things lead to emotional connections being deeper than people on the outside know, and it also means that you are more likely to hang in there and fight for what you have if you believe it to be true. Even if it has gone a little past the expiration date, you don’t want to give up on someone because it gets difficult or because you aren’t as in sync as you once were. You like to think that maybe it’s just life intervening and once you have time to address the issues y’all will be back on track.

Don’t get me wrong, often times that does prove to be the case. Life makes relationships go through good periods and rough period. And it is often the ones who refuse to accept less than or accept that life’s challenges will ruin something that they felt is meant for them. Sometimes we like to think that we are bigger than the issues that befall us. Yet, there is a fine line that must be walked when trying to fix something or hang onto someone when things aren’t going so well. Sometimes, that struggle is meant to reveal true character and allow for you to decide if the two of you have out grown each other, or maybe just one of you is ready to move on to another and the other person isn’t quite ready yet. See things happen to give you insight and help you make the appropriate decisions when it comes to the ones you choose to love. Often times we don’t want to accept it because the answer is usually definitive and counter to what we want to do. I’m here to tell you that it may be best to listen to that voice and heed the vision being shown to you. It could very well be setting you up for your next love and better match to come into your life.

You have to be willing to put past people and relations behind you in order to make room for the future and present situations in your life. You can’t always be afraid to let go of someone, let them grow, let yourself grow and move on to the next phase of your life. I do truly believe that if someone is meant to be yours they will be. And at the same time, I believe that you can miss your blessing because you’re too busy stuck on what was and what has been and not on what is and what will be. Be willing to allow your heart to feel disappointed, reassuring it that better is coming and better is waiting for you to be ready for it to come to you. Don’t shy away from love and being love. Take your time though, to heal from past pain and hurt. To evaluate yourself and be fully prepared to present yourself fully to the next person. While also being prepared to handle the baggage that will come with the next person. Failure produces growth if you pay attention and learn the lessons. So that should only make you better prepared for the next relationship that comes your way.

Next time you have a situation in front of you that you know isn’t going to last or make it, don’t be afraid to say I got to let you go. I’ve got to move on, because that will be the thing that saves you more heartbreak and devastation. It will also be the things that propels you to future successes and greatness. What do you think?

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Heart Chronicles – Rearview Mirror

You know I have always been a big proponent of not looking back to grab your future partner. I’ve argued for years that it is much harder in reality to be with someone from your past, than it is to start fresh with someone new and unknown. I argue this position for a number of reasons and I will break down why I feel this should almost always be the case. Why there are always exceptions and how to know when something is a chapter closer and not a chapter starter. If you’re not careful, a reunion with a lost flame could prove to be costly or harmful to your progress in the present day.

As has been commonly said, looking behind you doesn’t really do you any real justice. It doesn’t help you to see what’s happening in present day and it doesn’t do a lot to prepare you for what’s to come in the future. Looking back, in my mind, is used to teach us lessons and to help grow us from what we were and used to be into who we are and will ultimately become. It gives you a memory of experience to draw off of should you encounter a similar situation down the line, ensuring that you will be able to use more tools to better handle the situation should it present itself again. It works for reminding you of why you left someone alone, or why something didn’t work in the time period that it did. It serves to be a hallmark of where that past person must climb to just to be considered fairly relevant. But that’s where the problem comes in at. Too many times they reach the old bar, but you’ve graduated to an even higher bar that they must over come, and most people forget that when that past comes roaring back to the forefront.

Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been having a lot of reunions with my past and I’m really not sure why this season has been presented to me over the past eight months. But, it has definitely served to do some of the work I believe it was intended to do. It also caused some deep wounds and pain that I’ve been working through. Well, add two more people to the list of the returned and one blew up in a ball of fire less than a week after it got going. I’m glad that I have the ability to know what the past is primarily used for. Also, I’m glad that I have an understanding that not everything is black and white. There is a lot of color and gray area where we have to make decisions and be prepared for the consequences of those decisions. This guy from a few years ago, came back around to me again this time and I really thought that this was going to be something worth investing my time into. He was someone that we didn’t end on bad terms, we both just needed so much and neither of us were really ready to give each other what we needed. So we left things alone and life moved on.

Last week we reconnected, and for the most part, it was just like old times. Catching up, revealing feelings hidden and things sought and wanted from the other. So we began to talk heavy discussing whether or not we were going to finish the work we started years ago. I agreed and so did he, that we would attempt to make this work in the improved versions and forms of ourselves, than 3 years ago. Before that opportunity could even be tried out, he pulled the fag move. Got to the city and disappeared. Not talking any longer, not answering phone calls or returning missed calls. It showed me that he was meant to close a chapter. His bluster and bullshit, while sounding good, was nothing more than a time filler. Wasting my time and energy and his, because I guess he was bored. Or maybe he wanted a backup plan, while I was thinking I was primary, because he claimed he was spending his time talking to me. Which, from all accounts has proven to be false, cuz I haven’t seen the bitch since he arrived in town. It reminded me that just like all the others who have returned, these are chapters mostly closing and not new ones being written.

It reminds me that the truth is you only go back for one you believe is the one. A soulmate that you know fits you perfectly. That no matter how many years pass or how much time goes without you two being together as lovers or in each others presence, you still have a bond that is unmatched. It needs time to recalibrate to account for the changes that both of you have made. And then you write a new chapter, aiming to see if this is something that needs to be further developed, or is it a new chapter to close the prior partnership, opening a new friendship while closing the relationship portion of life together. That is a hard thing to decide that you need to do, but it becomes the right choice if it becomes obvious that only one of you is still into it and the other is just living their best life. See, you have to be prepared in great detail for all options to happen with people that you reconnect with. You have to be very careful to protect you energy and time. You don’t want to extend yourself for something that is really dead and trying to be reincarnated into something different.

I really don’t feel that there are any other real reasons to examine a past love for reignition. Don’t buy into the I still want to love you. Or the lets try this again and make it work. Or the you’re stuck with me now. None of that bullshit is true if you don’t see the actions matching those words. Don’t cancel plans that you made or adjust the way that you move until you are sure that the person is serious. That you two are really building towards something special. If this isn’t happening, then you’re just writing final chapters for people. And to be honest, you need that in life. Closure! A word that many say they want but when they’re given the opportunity to take it, they run from it. Because it means letting go and moving on and so many people want to hang on to things. Wanting to use what is familiar and comfortable as a basis for their new happiness. When in reality, it’s when you go outside what you know that you grow the most and usually experience the success as well.

So here is the summation. Don’t let yesterday become today unless yesterday and done all the work to become the present and future. Not just catching up to what was. And don’t let sweet words and matching rhetoric equate to love matching and compatibility, because you never know the reason for the season. Take your time, flush it out and when it’s time, write the final sentence and close that chapter. Move On and be happy.

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Heart Chronicles – Cuffed or Free

The older I get and more time I spend thinking, I feel like it’s the subliminal messages we take from the shit we go through in life that unconsciously trains us for the way we react with people and the way we build and decide on relationships. Check this out and let me help bring you to where my mind rests.

When you get into a relationship you go through the ups and downs, the good and bad. Sometimes things happen where you get a person pregnant and try to have kids, other times you deal with them and shit just makes your relationship grow apart or end. It’s my belief and opinion that if you try to have relationship forever goals and you keep ending up with short term fire, long term pain, or lots of great sex but no real commitment, it shapes what you seek as you get older and makes you more prone to one type of relationship over the other. It almost assures that unless someone comes along to disrupt the pattern of things that happens you will likely shift to being more in favor of what you are experiencing more of. For example, if a person tries throughout life to have the long term relationship goals, but they’re always taken away or not lasing, they will eventually say fuck it and just be single with entanglements along the way. Conversely, if someone winds up establishing a long term love affair. Maybe years, maybe they married. Or maybe they together a long time and just end because they grew in opposite directions you’re likely to want to try again for that long term happiness.

But if you are the person who, you try to have a family with someone and it fails. You heal and then you try again and it fails for a different set of reasons. You go back to the drawing board take time to figure it out then you try again, and it fails again for another set of varying reasons. And you try again, and same result failure with a hard end and you start to think are you really meant to be in a long term relationship. Is a forever love affair in your future. Have you missed your forever partner or have you been selected to just feel lots of short term pleasures. It’s hard not to feel like this when you have so many opportunities in life to have those long lasting moments, only to be denied and always end up with shorter term satisfactions, and long term disappointment. We know that not everyone will be lucky enough to meet their forever in high school or college. Maybe it takes you well into your 30s or 40s before that happens. To that end I ask why did it have to take so long. Why was your divine plan set for you to experience let down after let down until you reached that age of supposed stability?

Take it a step further, if you get peeped for sex a lot more than you do for the relationship end, what does that say about you? Does it mean that you are only giving off that energy or is that the strongest vibe being picked up by other people from you. And you know you think about how that fucks with your mind space. Do you really want to feel that your reputation is only that you have great sex. You’re a nice person and all that, you could be that number 1 on 90 percent of the people that you come across, but the biggest hit seems to be to experience your sexual satisfaction. And don’t let you be good at what you do. You get the hits from, damn we need to just keep fucking to yea it was great and now I want to do shit with you and other people. It’s like one great thing isn’t enough, It’s how do you get maximized without giving you the full prize. And the thing that can unintentionally reinforce one notion or the other is how often you see people you use to link with, settle down now with people that you aren’t as good as you, but you were never given the chance to rise about the amazing fwb you were.

It can be difficult to see yourself as the one, when you’re always over looked or not fully given appreciation until after others have had less than you and they want to try to return. Shit that you know was going to be the case. Or you see that they took less than you and tried to build the mountain, when you were only given a chance to build the hill. Having these things happen, seeing these things in front of you can only cause you question yourself. If you think about all the different scenarios given in this blog, you realize that more often than not, the little messages within a breakup or within a relationship gives you mental guidance or blueprints to understanding why decided to become the person that you did. You know there are many people who have wanted to have forever happiness, that end up with forever entanglements. Largely because they were shaped by what happened to them early on in their relationships. Yes, the old saying great things don’t come without effort. But there is a saying I also like, a beaten person can’t give what he doesn’t have. If you’re constantly swatted away from what you try to attain, maybe isn’t not meant for you to have.

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Heart Chronicles – Men always tell

Bruh, I’m gone keep it all the way real with you right now, if you a man and date men, you know the nigga actions tell you when he’s moved on to someone else. Women same thing to you, you should know when your man got his side chicks or whatever, because his actions towards you will change. I think it’s actually quite comical when people say, Oh I didn’t know he was doing this. He never treated me different, then one day he was gone. Or one day he broke up with me. Those are the bold face lies that you tell yourself because you don’t want to acknowledge that the shit was right in your face and you ignored it. A nigga will show his stripes, unless he was already showing you them and you got caught up. This post is not for you, you are a dumb ass and if you get played that’s your fault. This is for the person that been with a nigga and then things changed and y’all weren’t together anymore and you thought it was sudden, when in reality it happened before you took notice.

If you have ever been in a relationship with someone and you broke up over what seemed to be a steady decline in the relationship, or one day you had an argument, minor one at that, and shit ended right there, I’m here to tell you it was over long before then. The truth about men is that they will always show when they’ve reached their peak, and essential end with you. A man almost always marks his proverbial territory but the energy that they put out on a daily basis. The more that man is giving of himself and time and effort to you, that more you know that they are with you. That have their full attention and that they are committed to you. It is my opinion that the first time you see that energy waver and the same gusto isn’t there, it is at that moment that he has began the process of entertaining other people. In my mind when he first shows the crack that there is unstable energy, that is the moment where y’all need to talk, see where that triggered from and how to go about fixing it. Because the longer that you wait to start realizing the drop in effort, the less likely it is that you can save your relationship.

Let me clear about this, when you are in a relationship with a man who says he is only with and for you, you will always know if the man is not fully interested by how he acts with you. If you are in a relationship with a hoe who is just trying to survive, you lost from the opening gate. See when a man has to share his time in more than one place, there is bound to be an energy drop off at some point. Usually because they get tired of trying to give 110% every day to two different people, if their emotions are in it. That overwhelms him, so he will eventually choose one of the two, and the one who isn’t chosen, if he doesn’t tell you, will know by the small things he does or doesn’t do anymore for or with you. Conversely, if it has been just the two of y’all for a while and then you feel a shift in the energy and effort department, time for concern if that energy isn’t increasing. And I know, some may say well you can’t give that same constant high energy forever, you will get worn out. The level is bound to decrease at some point, it’s just natural. You can’t say that just because the level decreased it automatically means they’re done. And I say to that, yes you can.

One of the common arguments against what I have said being the tried and true fact, is well look at how many people went to therapy to fix their marriage or help to give tools to repair it. Look at how many people stayed together and how many people made it. My comeback would be, it’s because the energy and effort given never decreased, it just changed its composition during the relationship that led to the need for issues. I would say there is a difference between things becoming more negative versus energy just being absent and void. The two can be interchanged, but it would be incorrectly done so because too often the two are linked together. A person can become negative because they lost interest, or because there have been too many arguments, too much nit picking, someone becomes too controlling. Energy and effort becomes lacking and missing when someone is tired of being together, when one doesn’t want it anymore and has moved on to someone else.

Now also to be clear, moving on to someone else could mean they just to be with themselves for a while too, not always being with another man. But, I want to make sure that it’s clear in this example, when the guy starts to give less to you, he is already out the door with someone else. It’s just up to you to figure this out and decide what you’re going to do about the situation. Some people say let the nigga leave. Can’t or won’t try to keep someone who as decided he doesn’t want to be kept. Some say, if you got history and love, try to fix it, maybe it’s something that can be done to boost that energy level again. Wherever you land on that spectrum know that you need to pay attention to your man, he is always going to give clues that he’s not feeling it. If y’all use to do a lot of playful stuff, and joke around a lot and shit like that, and that changes.. he is likely moving on. If y’all usually are very affectionate and touchy, all up under each other when you aren’t working, and that changes, he is likely already gone. If you use to always call each other pet names, and then all of a sudden he starts to use your name more often, he has likely moved on. The obvious one, if the sex level drops for no real reason at all, he has likely moved on.

Pay attention to the mannerisms and movements of your guy. Pay attention to his actions, how he intentionally act towards you, the words he says to you, the way he caresses you. When these things start to change you need to be concerned. Don’t wait until it’s been weeks and months before you address it, because by then it will be too late and they will be gone. Maybe that’s for the best and maybe it’s not. That’s for you and him to decide, more you than him, because his actions show he may already be a foot and some toes out the door. Either way, know this, you must always be present and attentive in your relationship, a failure to do so will lead you to missing signs and opportunities, and probably you will end up single.

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Heart Chronicles – Love Hurts

Doesn’t it sometimes feel like love isn’t meant to hit you the way it has others? You know, you’ve had relatively successful relationships, but for one reason or the other they never seem to make over the last hurdle to long time sustained happiness. Whether it be your young and dumb and trying to live life or you deal with someone who has self esteem issues and they prevent them from fully trusting in you and the foundation that you all built. Only to turn to the opposite race and settle for less, when the world was your oasis with you. Maybe you come across that person who is trying to pick themselves up after a horrible breakup and they aren’t ready for all of you even though they profess that they are. Maybe you come across someone who’s use to doing the break up to make up bit with someone and so they only know how to have toxic relationship practices and they bring them into the relationship with you.

It could also be possible that you deal with a fake and fraud. Someone who is pretending to want long term happiness and relations, only to protect their own interests. You know, maybe they need a place to stay because they really don’t have no where to go, so you become the means to an end. And it could just be that you aren’t ready yourself. You are recovering from bad relationships and hurtful past dealings. Truth is I want to be happy and married and loved on by that man who wants to ride with me just the same as I’m going to ride for him. The problem is, too many niggas want to play games and be tepid about committing because they feel like they’re going to miss something. Seeing people who came along and didn’t appreciate what I brought to the table, or I wasn’t prepared for them, involved with someone else is a bitter sweet pill. On the one hand, I’m truly happy for them and glad they found happiness. On the other, I’m very disappointed, especially if I gave the very best of me, that they didn’t show me the same love and effort they show their current.

Something I don’t understand though, is every single person that I’ve ever been with, except one, has always tried to come back and have something with me after we ended. There is an admission that they haven’t found anyone who loved and appreciated them the way that I did. And while I appreciate them saying it, it pisses me off because why the fuck couldn’t you appreciate me when we were together. Maybe then we would still be together. Quite possibly we could be married, having a family and living the life that we wanted to live. It makes me wonder if I’m doomed to be alone until the end. Sprinkled with intermittent relationships that help to pass time and fill the gaps until it’s time for me to leave this earth. It just seems like this is one thing that always been just a little out of reach for a reason unknown to me. I have never been able to fully understand why I’m never really appreciated but I can tell you that it hurts. Because most times people just want to feel appreciated by those they love, especially inside of a relationship. And then to see them give that effort to someone else does make you kinda question why not you?

This blog doesn’t seek to find a solution because there is no way to know when love is going to find you and who it will be. But sitting here writing this and thinking back, damn man I’ve been fucked over more than I can remember. From being in love with my first and him not having self trust and restraint to believe in us. To my ten years love affair off and one with a man who use to treat me like a king, but he could never fully commit himself to me. There was the light skin pretty boy that I didn’t see coming, who seemed to really enjoy the dynamic we created, only to show that was the means to his end for him. The insecure guy who had all the promise in the world, but was too stuck on the irrelevant shit that caused things to go off the rails. The young twink who was ready to make it us versus the world, but was wayy too arrogant and controlling. The young hustler who was trying to make a name for himself, that I didn’t give the time to finish developing into the finished product. The lying drug head that wound up destroying my life with abuse and lies. The sweet young man who gave me his heart but wasn’t ready for the full commitment.

These represent, to me, the closest relationships that could have ended in the forever. And then there were the few friends with benefits, where the chemistry was there but I guess the timing was just wrong. They were still more about being free to do what they want but wanted that consistently great sex that we had together. All of these things man and not one developed into forever. People saying years later that they wanted to be something serious with me. Only they never showed or admitted to such when we were dealing at the time. So why the fuck would you bring it up right now? Why would you want to bring it up if you have intention of acting on those words? Pulling at the heart strings and emotions, bull shit at it’s best if you ask me. Have you had these types of experiences? Talk to me or your friends about it. Comments always welcome.

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Heart Chronicles – Heart break

If you have ever had your heart broken or you have had any traumatic event happen, you know that sometimes you become stuck in that moment. By that I mean that you’re emotions and mindset can somewhat become “stuck”, needing to be freed from that moment that placed in a emotional state of paralysis. The truth is when those events happen to you it takes something from you. It can rob you of an innocence or a naiveite towards people and/or life. These moments in time have a way of intertwining in your life and making you feel a sense of emptiness or loss. If you have multiples of these types of experiences in a short period of time, it can serve as a mechanism for which you become depressed or emotionally detached. It can cause you to lose track of yourself and lose touch with the currentness of the world because mentally you’re still locked into those moments that life changed for you. Understand that these moments can be of any variety. They can be physical abuse, emotional trauma, mental anguish, and any combination of those things. If you have been through it and overcome that hurdle then you know that what I’m referring to is real .

One of the truths I have to admit about my life is that I’ve experienced so many of these types of moments that I don’t really know if I’m broken, torn, destroyed or on the road to healing. Some days I feel as if I’m coming through the other side of all the traumas I’ve experienced within the past couple years. Other times, I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of it. Not sure which way to turn, being tossed between feeling good one day and feeling depressed the next. I wonder how is it that I possess so many good qualities according to others, yet I’m unable to keep a partner fully satisfied. I’m unable to prevent my would be baby mother from killing our unborn child. I’m unable to prevent from being physically assaulted and abused. I’m unable to prevent so called friends from completely breaching the friendship and trust that I thought we had. It makes you wonder why and it makes you question yourself.

Then there are the other natural things that you have no control over, but sometimes happen in surprising fashion and it throws you for even more of a tailspin that you expected. Losing your grandmother and protector before you expected or were ready for. Having your cousin shockingly die of heart failure with no warning. Losing one of your favorite aunts without warning either. All of these things happening within the past 16 months and then you add to it losing your unborn twins to miscarriage a little more than a year ago. All of these things combined with the abuse, the mistreatment, the abandonment of long time friends leads you to feeling worthless at times. Makes you feel alone at other times. And to be clear, I have no problem being by myself, I learned how to be ok with that. But, it’s hard being lonely and feeling alone sometimes. It doesn’t help when you’re trying to heal. Yes, sometimes the journey is meant for just you, but even along the way you need cheerleaders and supporters rooting you on, even if from afar.

It can’t be understated just how much massive trauma can cause you to not believe in yourself and to make you feel a sense of pause within yourself. You physically continue and keep doing what must be done because you have to be an adult and take care of yourself and your business, but internally your a mess, destroyed, wishing that you could turn back the clock to take back the emotional blood spilled. Wishing you could reach back and pull the mental train wreck back so you can make the whole you, and not exist in broken pieces for the world to absorb. It can lead to you being very sporadic and all over the place. It can lead you to just wanting to be alone and wallow in your own self pity for a time. Honestly, it can also make you highly sexual, but very sexually irresponsible. Allowing yourself to do things that maybe you shouldn’t do, but wanting to feel that gratification from someone else may just make you want to push the limits you know you shouldn’t cross.

I don’t always pretend to have the answers to solve every problem, especially the ones that I have. What I do try to do is talk and think and write, to express my feelings, emotions and pain and hopefully through expressing and releasing it into the atmosphere it will help to bring about healing and closure. Dealing with the folks, in some way, who played a role in the traumatic events occurring, hoping that we can find closure and with the closing of those chapters finding some peace and allowing myself to be made whole again, to take myself off pause, push play and be as current as I can be. Stay strong, stay encouraged and find your release valve. These things will help to get you through. And above all, find a support system and use it to the fullest extent possible.