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Heart Chronicles – Alone and Not Afraid

One of the many things I tell anyone who gets into conversation about living life, gay or straight, mostly gay though, is that you can’t be afraid to be alone. Whether anyone believes it or not, being alone is usually one of the largest reasons people remain in unhealthy, toxic relationships. They aren’t comfortable having to live life by themselves, theoretically. The truth of the matter is most people feel they need to have someone sharing their life, and space, in order to have a complete and full life. I don’t completely disagree with that sentiment, but I’m not fully in favor of it either. I believe there is and can be a happy medium between having your own space and sharing it with someone you love.

Far too often individuals choose to remain a couple with someone they know they’ve fallen out of love with because they don’t really know how to live or lead a life that doesn’t involve someone being there to support them and aid them in all things. Be it financial support, most common, emotional or mental support, that lack of someone there makes people scared and feel as though they must keep a man or woman around, even if they don’t have all of their best intentions for them. I’ve seen it paralyze people to the extent that they reject opportunities for betterment and prosperity in life all because they don’t want to be without, fill in the blank. I’ve yet to understand why that dynamic is so strong and prevalent, but it is and most times what’s forgotten is that if you have a strong circle of friends, or family, you aren’t alone anyway. No, you may not have someone living with you, but your journey is still being shared with people who love and care for you.

Why I feel that once a person understands how to live alone, they are better equipped to be with someone is simple. When you live alone, you have to learn how to live with yourself. You learn your traits, your patterns, your habits. You understand your likes and dislikes, which will make you better at identifying people you could see yourself sharing your space with, be it on a permanent basis or regular/frequent basis. It allows you to discover these things without sacrificing the relationship that you’re in. I believe that when you don’t know how to be with yourself, it impacts your ability to be with someone else. Ultimately, you’re learning yourself while learning and living with someone else at the same time. While this is definitely possible, it usually winds being detrimental because as you learn yourself you change, and what you like and want changes. If you have to learn another person at the same time, it could be that the two of you are changing separately. Be alone and learn you, then introduce someone to your space and see how they fit into your world and you in theirs. Then you can make adjustments and compromises on the things that you feel aren’t critical to who you are.

The truth is for me, I hate being alone when I come home. I’ve done for a long time, and I’ve also been in relationships where me and my partner lived together. That joy and sense of fulfilment when I had that was intoxicating. It was something that I knew I wanted and didn’t want to be without. Sometimes it came at great personal hurt for myself, because at times I had chosen the wrong person to build that life with. When I was younger, I would struggle to end those types of relationships because I hadn’t learned how to be comfortable with being by myself. My mom was always in a relationship, be it married to my father, or being divorced and in relationship with someone else. Right after I came out, my first boyfriend wound up being the first person I lived with. It came less than three months of being together. For two years all I knew was him and building a life together. I was growing and evolving, and so was he. Sometimes together and sometimes apart. The crazy part is for the first 5 years that I was dating, I lived with my partner for 4 of those years. Talk about not learning to live by yourself. It showed itself too. Even in dating, I would want the person to stay the night and be under me, because that’s what I used to and hadn’t learned how to be by myself.

The reality is once I learned that it’s truly ok to be by yourself and I accepted that challenge, I grew even more as a person. I evolved into the human that I feel fits who I am, and it’s allowed me to discover how to remove people quickly who aren’t good for me, to accept that things have a shelf life, and I can’t hold onto it past the expiration date, and that moving on my time is perfectly sufficient. My challenge to everyone is to find that space with being comfortable being by yourself. Learn yourself. Learn your mind, body, emotions, preferences, likes, dislikes and all those things you need to know to make yourself the best version of yourself. It can be painful and lonely at times, but close family and friends that you trust will always be there to occupy that space until you’re ready to let the man or woman in that you want to try and build something with.

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Heart Chronicles – Today’s Yesterday

I am constantly reminded that my yesterday must have been really dynamic and special. It never seems to take too long before those tasted the drug that is me find some way to return. Whether it’s the random pop up text, or the phone call out of the blue, or it’s the hey long time lets catch up. No matter what happens, there are those who just can’t seem to get enough of their fix. While on one hand I can appreciate that appetite and desire to feel that feeling, on the other hand, I have to wonder just why do they keep returning? What is really the driving force behind trying to recapture the magic that was lost.

Over the past week or so, I’ve been smacked with numerous reminders of my past and the people who have occupied time and space in it. From the fucked up ex, to the constant runner that could never fully commit. It’s been an interesting time in my world. Mixed in with the old, has obviously been the new. And what I’m realizing is that there is a reason why I say I keep the past buried. Within the past three days alone, I’ve had two people who really had a significant pull on me, back then, resurface and it didn’t go as they might have expected. In my mind today, I am not that same sweet, forgiving man that I was years ago. Life has hardened me, blackened my heart a bit, and made me far more skeptical of people than optimistic in them. It was nice having my old on again, off again flame back around for a bit. Ironically though, it was due to his return that I realized his time had truly expired in my life.

The first time he popped up, last month, it was a surprise and his question was an even bigger surprise on the surface, thinking about it now it makes perfect sense for how things kind of line up currently. No apology for the bullshit that caused the last rift that kept us from speaking for almost a year, no his question was would I be willing to fuck again. For me it wasn’t even much that I needed to think about, regardless of how I felt about his actions, his mental and emotional bullshit, the nigga had a dick that would make you melt and yo hole cream. Of course I said yes. It’s been almost a decade since I last felt all that meat and I just knew the stroke was better than it was then. I figured that the 31 year old version of him was far better. Right and wrong, the dick was good, but the stroke… ehhh left much to be desired. Couldn’t keep his dick hard after about 10 minutes and never busted a nut, though he claimed he had been close when we fucked that night before.

All par for the course if you ask me. The problem with him always centered around the truth and his allergy to being honest about shit. Our whole beginning started from a lie he told. The twisting plot that was the next 15 years revolved around his lies and bullshit. It was the moments of truth and openness that captured my heart and he seemed to know this, and throughout time, played on those strings to keep me at his fingertips. That was until 3 years ago, when I reached my breaking point with him. Tired of the lies, the hidden stories and niggas, all of it. The rose glasses were destroyed and along with it was any chance of a real Romeo and Juliet type romance. When he came back this time, it was different and I could feel it. There wasn’t talk of dating and romance, just fucking ohhhh and catching up. It was predictable what he did. He talked to me about his past, and confirmed the lie he told that last time we talked. He tried to say he wasn’t gay anymore. That he was living in North Carolina and going thru this rebirth of sorts. That he had given his life to God and he wasn’t focused on, or thinking about a relationship or men.

The biggest bunch of bullshit I had ever heard him spew from his lips. And it all turned out to be one BIG ass lie. How the fuck you gone lie like that and put it On God. Like really, how fucked up in your head do you have to be? How committed are you to holding on to someone that you’re willing to lie about your relationship, your life and your journey, just to hold on to someone. Too bad for him I didn’t believe none of the shit and I unloaded all the years of anger, hurt, frustration, sadness, and disappointment on him. The end result being the end of whatever type of relationship we had. Then August happened and we reconnected and had a good sex session, but I could tell my feelings about him were different. Instead of wanting him to stay past the overnight visit, like it was in the past, I was ready for his ass to go home. He hit me up this week to inquire about linking again. I told him we could and Friday afternoon he asked what I was doing that night. I told him nothing, he asked to fuck, I said when and he went zero dark 30 for four hours. At around 130am he hits me to say now, but I was already doing my thing and never responded til the next day.

When I responded to him and told him it’s his fault because he waited 4 hours to respond the mood changed and he began to spew more dumb ass lies that made no sense. Apparently, he’s been lying to lots of niggas out here because we’re all giving him the same responses to the lies he tries to tell. He finally realized his hold was gone and now we have no communication again. I think he would be wise to let, at least, a year pass before he opened his mouth to me again. If ever at all. The lies, disrespect and manipulative actions are dead and so is his time in my life. Reality hurts and I’m sure for him it smacked in his face, his crutch has been kicked out and away. Now he’s charming so I’m sure he will find another unsuspecting, gullible nigga to take him in and let him live with them and build a fake ass relationship, built on lies, deceit and bullshit. Sad as fuck man, a guy with so much potential, caught in his web of lies and deceitfulness. A waste of a genuine heart, due to a twisted soul and fucked up mind.

Guy number two, well he’s different in every way possible. A true sweet guy, a bottom with a fat ass, a larger than life personality and thickness that people love. The problem with him though is he’s a runner. He has been and still is afraid of commitment. For over 10 years we’ve done a delicate dance of on again, off again. After he moved away, it was always going to be difficult for us to be together because long distance has long stopped being my thing and inconsistency gets you removed from me these days. The patience I had has long since gone, and I felt it when he decided he was ready to pop up again. Pride weekend always seems to conjure up the ghosts of the past. Being with him last night wasn’t like it was in the past. I didn’t feel the romantic embers burn, there wasn’t a special moment that made me want him back. It was all circumspect. I realized that I was talking to someone who does the same dance, asks the same questions, plays the same songs and I was tired of it and him.

Sometimes, you have to let the past surface, if only to finally put it to bed. You have to see why you left it alone, and let it go away. Sure, there are exceptions to that, but most times you wind up seeing why you let it go in the first place. It doesn’t serve you in your now, and it won’t serve you in your future. If the past isn’t able to rise to the level of the present and show signs that it’s ready for the new future that your life arched towards, leave it where it belongs. In the mirror and down the road. He was never one to do anything bad to me. He never showed me dishonesty or deceit, he just has a commitment issue and that I can’t get past. I want better, deserve better and will not allow less to be my new best. While it was fun to catch up and remember the good times of days past, I felt myself empty with the whole experience. Glad in some ways he was here, so I could see that it was done and closure was within reach, and disappointed that I even allowed him to be here.

The past will always be active in one way or the other. It truly is about how you manage it and what you do with it that will determine how impactful it is in the present day and future days to come. Love yourself enough to let it go, listen to the feelings that you feel when the interactions come and pivot away from it when the time is right. Accountability, compassion, love, honesty, loyalty. These words are things that are the fabric of relationship building for me, no matter the type of relationship. Interactions with people have made these words harder to employ to all, but I’m trying. The past gets held to this standard and if they can’t be accountable for their actions, compassionate about how they treat you, love you genuinely, be honest about themselves and their lives, and be loyal to you in whatever capacity they hold, let asses go.

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Heart Chronicles – Thoughts from the Soul

Sometimes in life you have to be alone with your thoughts, your mind, your heart and you have to find your way to understand what life has given to you. Often times I’ve sat and thought to myself why am I going through the things that I am and have? When I’m alone with my thoughts and feelings, I struggle to make sense of it all. Trying to get the understanding of why am I so often chosen to experience things more than I’m ready to handle? Is this really part of life, that you have to go through so many difficult times and situations, and often times alone? The variance of those you call family and the ones who show themselves to be your friends, is often times hard to comprehend as well. Life happens and paths diverge, and you see who was meant to travel on the next part of your journey with you.

See, one of things I’m struggling with at this time is why does it seem like no one wants me. I know that I don’t have it all. I’m not the wealthiest or most connected. I know that I’m no Adonis or the most gifted or talented individual, but I know that I am more than enough. I understand that I’m a damn good catch. I’m a sexy, chocolate, tall, fit, Black man. I’m highly intelligent and can mix and mingle in any environment, at any time. I work my ass off, have always taken care of home, made sure mines don’t know no lack, yet the shit still seems not to be enough. And don’t play yourself, I can fuck with the best of em. No matter if it’s slangin’ dick or being stuffed, I always make sure home is satisfied. I have a personality that is inviting, fun and a whole fuck vibe, but again people seem to only want to use that for their advantage. Yet, I see niggas that are out here doggin’ niggas and still got them on they nuts.

Even beyond the personal, professionally life isn’t where I thought it would be, and that’s mostly due to me. Because while I know that my ex really fucked up my set up, I decided to be with him, so I own part the of the responsibility as well. It’s a difficult thing not to wonder if you’re dooming yourself or if life just continues to offer situations where you don’t always make the right choices, and you have to start over again and again. Mixing in that with a suck ass personal life at times and it’s enough to make you question yourself more than once. Lies get told to you so you will let your guard down, only to be used to take from you and not give back. How many times should someone allow for these things to happen before they push back, enough being enough. Hearing enough times that it’s nothing wrong with you but niggas keep flaking, enough times that happens and it becomes about you mentally and emotionally. Top notch ass, fire dick, all around sex game lit, dynamic personality, smart ass brain and still the results circle around the same.

More than you know I want to hear I love you; I appreciate you, I’m proud of you, I support you. I want the right one for the moment, be it a minute, a month or eternity, to hold me and just make me feel the physical support I mentally need to hear. I don’t just want to share the intimate nature of holding and being held, by another man with just anyone. I know to some they may not understand, but for me sex has devolved into something that I know how to separate feelings from just sex, and I still feel this strong urge to fuck or get fuck. LOL, but being intimate, passionate and so wrapped up in someone is something that I miss and want to share with just one. Yet, it seems the one I want to share it with never seems to want to share it back. And I don’t dwell on it or wait for them to show, I move forward and live life as it comes. Hoping and yearning for that feeling sooner than later.

Even the greatest warrior needed help along the way. And there are times where I feel like it’s been forgotten that I’m not superhuman. I’m not above the need to be loved on and feel the love and appreciation of those who matter to me. Another day passes, another day spent alone, without someone to really enjoy it with. Without my best of friends and my closest of confidants to do something with. I believe it’s all for a purpose and the journey I’m taking will be for the better, but damn I would love to have an amen corner right now.

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Heart Chronicles – Unnecessary Lying

What I cannot understand for the life of me is why niggas spend so much time lying about what you want, what you looking for, and what your intentions are. It’s not really a difficult concept to understand, but it seems like people would rather lie, waste peoples time and create unnecessary mental and emotional uncertainty, all because you won’t be real with what you want. The simple solution to this is for people to be honest with themselves first, which should allow them to be honest with the people they talk to after that. If you find trouble being real, then at the very least just keep things on a low stress level situation. If you know you not ready for something real, keep it at a friend level or a fuck friend level, if you wanna know what you getting before you commit. Another thing you could do, if you’re not comfortable doing that, just stop blowing bullshit and then disappearing after. Be the man that you are and just let it be known the whole situation.

All of these options to me present opportunity for situations to end without burning a bridge that you may want to revisit one day. One life lesson I learned is that you never know when someone from your past may come back to be present in your future. And in those cases, often times you find yourself wanting to revisit things because maybe you’re in a better place with life, but you forgot how you wronged them in the past and so you don’t get that chance in the future. The main thing is, and maybe some really don’t care, you never know who could be meant for you, but you spend too much time trying to be slick or have it all your way and you lose something that could be special. Even bigger than that common respect says you should at least be upfront with someone that’s not just a fuck. One thing I respect someone for is the ability to be honest and say they just wanna fuck, nothing more and nothing less. That establishes the dynamic from the jump, leaving no room for false pretense.

Part of the reason lies are unnecessary is because you never know if the person you’re lying to feels the same way you do. In creating situations where you lie or just flat out disappear without giving any reason for what’s going on, you rob the person of knowing why you left and again create unnecessary mental pauses within the mind of someone. One of the biggest lies I hear all the time when someone wants to tell me why they’re single is because they were mistreated, abused, misused, unappreciated and fill in the blank with every negative that you can think of. Meanwhile, in your dealings with that person they’re showing you all the traits that they claim someone gave to them. And isn’t that part of the problem with lies. When you’re the one that is displaying the actions that you claim were given to you, it creates this schism that you were the one who fucked up, but you had to blame it on the others because they’re not present to refute what you said. Again, unnecessary lies, wasting time.

When you sit and spend weeks having conversation and building and bond, then you erase yourself as quickly as you showed up, it makes everything you said in those weeks feel like a lie. Because the truth is if you were true to the things you said about yourself prior, you wouldn’t have removed yourself randomly and sneakily without expressing why. I am a big believer that you should be willing to face someone when you decide you want to walk away from something that isn’t just a physical connection. The same way that you take the time and energy to start engaging with someone, is the same way you should be eager to face them and explain why you are walking away. If it’s because you’re not ready say so, if it’s because you found a better connection with someone else say so, if it’s because you got overwhelmed say so. Whatever the reason be willing to say it, because then you make someone have a feeling that they’re not worth the truth.

The worst is when you have someone speaking out both sides of their necks because the outside influences have infiltrated inside their mind. When you make a decision that you want to deal with someone, it’s not about what anyone outside y’all relationship that should be impacting what you do, it should be the two people. But, when lies are involved, you see why people keep their business to themselves. The lies can go both ways, and I’m very well aware of that, but again I believe that when you confront someone with the truth you have a much easier ability to remove yourself quickly when the truth gets exposed in the light. I don’t understand why people claim to want something, but then run the lies that waste time. If you want a person then embrace it, stop running or looking for other people give you dirt to allow you to run to your insecurities.

Lies hurt and then impact of the lies can hurt even more. Just be real with yourself at all times, and therefore, you will be real with others as well. Stop the cycle of hurt, by not contributing to someone else’s pain.

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Heart Chronicles – Closure is like a drug

You know one of the most difficult things to do is move on from someone without having “closure.” And when you ask people what does that word really mean, you get so many different answers. That is because everyone takes closure to mean something different. You see a lot of times when someone feels a situation hasn’t had its proper ending, they will continue going back to date someone until they reach their hearts content. In my mind I feel like that means until they get their hearts broke, in one way or another. It is the thing that people chase almost as much as they chase love. Wanting to have a definitive answer as to why a relationship didn’t work out, when all signs seemed to point to the match being a long lasting one.

One of the hardest things for us to realize is that chasing closure can be like waiting to get a hit. It can be debilitating; it can be addicting and suffocating at the same time. Someone you had invested your time, energy and resources into turns you away or leaves you without much explanation and you don’t know yourself why it happened. That’s enough to make the most sane person itch for a conclusion so bad that they can’t leave the person alone until they reach the end. Also, I’ve seen the other way play to be true: the person feels that they’ve never gotten the best out of someone, and they refuse to let the relationship die until they have the relationship end on their time and in the manner they see fit. I’ve seen this scenario in action too, one of my closest friends will not quit dealing with a man who has fucked him over time and time again, rekindling the situation under the name of closure.

Closure makes people hold on to an old flame longer than they really should, because they believe that there is still something to resolve. You trick yourself into believing that you didn’t get the ending that was needed to close the book on that person, so you let yourself give them power to tear at the strings of your heart. The addiction of the desire to know that things are over and there is no hope to fix it, overpowers the rationale of looking being present in a relationship and seeing that it’s not going to work. It leaves you looking for the one thing that is a deal breaker, instead of seeing that the totality of things happening means it’s time to walk away.

The truth about closure is that you have to define what that looks like before you go seeking it from a situation. You need to know what it is that you need from that person in order to say goodbye. Or, you need to know what you need to be said to you or feel so you can peacefully walk away. I’ve had a couple of relationships where that closure was never reached, and I’ve handled each one differently trying to obtain that final chapter. In one situation, I kept that door to my heart open for him. I would never allow for the ties to be severed because I never felt that we had the time needed to decide if we could make a future together. All the while, I was missing the signs that were flashing in my face, that this was something being held onto from the past. That he knew that I was still in love with him. Time, energy and emotions went into someone who was never going to give me what I wanted and I chased closure with him for years. Feeling the high of highs when we were together, and the low of lows when he toyed with my emotions.

Finally, I had come into the present moment and realized he was taking advantage of knowing my heart still wanted him. I found my closure in thinking about all the things that had happened, and all the things that never happened. I allowed myself to make peace with the fact that he was not the one for me, and not as real as he pretended to be. The second situation I handled the complete opposite, but it’s left me with the same hole, craving for answers. He walked away from me, no reason given, no warning either. Just waited for me to leave the house and by the time I came home, just a note on my door, claiming that he was moving across the country. To this day I haven’t heard from or seen him again. I have no idea why it ended and no clues to point me in the direction of finality. And while I have not and will not search for him, it really fucks with my mental that I don’t know why he did what he did.

To someone who reads this and says what the point.. when you hung on too long you got hurt, when you let it go without trying to reach closure, you still are hurt. The point is that you have to allow yourself to be okay with not knowing why, not getting that closure and when you feel yourself thinking about the past, remember that they don’t deserve to occupy space in your mind, find the lesson from the failed relationship and move forward. Don’t let the drug of closure bog you down, keep you stuck and let you miss out on who could be waiting for you.

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Accountability Compassion Honesty

Simple and direct, I apply these three words to every part of life for me and that’s how I would hope others would engage with me, but I learn every day that I can only make that the standard for admission, I can’t make people believe and live these words like I do. Now yes, from time to time there may be a need for a slight bend of the truth. Mostly when I’ve wanted to get out of work, LOL, or get out of doing something that I really did not want to do. But on the whole, the baseline practice is to be accountable to myself and others, to have compassion for the situations that happen in life, and to be honest in my efforts, my deeds, words and actions when interacting with people and myself.

All three of these traits seem to be very difficult for people to develop with consistency. It’s as if they’re allergic to practicing developing traits that would make daily interactions mostly humane and enjoyable. No matter it be relationships, friendships, or any other type of ship, being able to say that you are accountable to yourself and those people, that you have compassion for the challenges life presents to you and others, and to say that you are honest about your intentions and the words that you speak. And then we wonder why there is so much hate and anger in the country today. We wonder why people aren’t willing to extend grace and mercy to each other. You don’t understand why there is so much killing and disrespect going around. While all the answers will not lie in the practice of these three traits, I can promise you if we all practiced these things consistently and with intent, the world we live in, the country we occupy, the state we call home, the communities we inhabit would be better off, would be more pleasant to travel through.

I’ve never come across so many guys who seem to want to be part of your life but be so unwilling to be accountable to the equality needed for that to be a reality. What makes you think that you can just take and take and take, but not be willing to give back when the time calls for it. And what makes you think that lying about what you already know would make the situation any better. Accountability is something that gays struggle with mightily. Too many are worried about who can get the upper hand on who. Who can make who look more foolish than they look? Worrying about all the wrong shit, not concerned enough with how their actions make them appear in the eyes of the ones they seek partnership from. How can you be so grown, and yet so unwilling to accept the fact that part of the problem is your unwillingness to be honest, which means you will not hold yourself accountable for what you do, nor will you allow anyone else to hold you to account because you won’t accept the truth?

Then to me the biggest part that’s missing from folks is the ability to have compassion. When you know that someone is going through something that is legit, no matter how big or small it may seem to you, extending the compassion that they may not be the same person you’re use to while they figure it out is so important. Compassion takes three seconds really; it means just taking a breath before you speak. It means allowing yourself to imagine yourself in the other persons place and give the grace needed to come through it. Often times we expect people to react to things the way that we would, or to have the poise and resiliency that you may have, forgetting that life hits everyone different and if you really care about the person, you will let them handle life their way. Giving your true and honest opinion when asked, not trying to overrun their lives. And the honest part seems to really not need much explanation. Stop bullshittin people and just be authentic. Don’t lie about shit you don’t have because you want to impress someone. Don’t pretend to be what you’re not because you don’t like where you are. Trying to be real, you might find out that people are more willing to help you, or grow with you when you’re real, let them see that you might not have it all together, but you’re making efforts to try and need help. And if you think about that example, it provides an opportunity for all three dynamics to be presented. Your honesty gives the accountability, compassion and honesty that needs to be on display.

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Don’t Tease Me, Just Leave Me

I am a person who enjoys a good tease as long as the end result pays off for all involved. See, it is my opinion that a little teasing is good for both people. You get to stir up some trouble and stimulate the mind and the body. What really makes the tease effective is when you both know that what’s going to happen when the two of you get together will make the tease all worth it. What sucks, is when the tease isn’t just a sexual tease, but it’s an emotional one as well. Those are the kind that if both people aren’t on the same page, and both people stop playing the games, that it could lead to continuous emotional trauma. And that is recipe for disaster, better yet, a recipe for mental instability.

There have been a couple situations where I’ve involved with guys and we did the dance. We talked and flirted something serious. Mentally, emotionally, and sexually charging each other up in ways that many have never even began to touch with me. Teetering at the edge of a dynamic union, only to have the bridge collapse because one person decides they only want to do the dance and don’t want to really commit. That’s the thing about being a tease, you can do such a good job that you fuck up the other person once you pull away and that’s more damaging than just being a sexual tease. Truth is most people probably don’t mind a little teasing as long as you don’t go too far, and once you do then all bets are off. For me that’s one thing that I could never wrap my mind around to understand. Why do some people feel that since past people damaged them emotionally and mentally, that the best thing to do is tease and toy with people’s emotions in the present?

You become an expert at finding the right words to say and the rights actions to take in order to make sure that your rouse works the way you want it to. It’s also clear that everyone has different reasons for their actions. Some people tease because they are afraid of being hurt again, so before they do that they would rather get their fix of that emotional feel good, then run away back to their comfortable place. You also have people who do it because it’s what they’ve become use to doing. Put it another way, they know they shit they doing is fucked up, but it’s what makes them feel good about themselves so as the old saying goes “hurt people, hurt people.” To me it’s only one of these two situations that you belong in. Any other type of excuse is just a long hand version of slotting into one of these two dynamics. Unfortunately I’ve been exposed to both types of people. Learning how to handle each type is difficult because there so many different ways to do the same types of things, so you have to take each one separately and dissect them accordingly.

My answer to you all who feel the need to be the constant tease, is to leave me the fuck alone!! I’m tired of attracting the mentally and emotionally damaged guy who wants to be understood or wants to be loved and accepted for the damage they have, so they can helped be healed to become the person they use to be. Don’t use me for that purpose, get a therapist or ask me as a friend for help and don’t try to fuck me with in that way. I’m not your rag doll that you can fuck over, use and throw away once you feel that you are recovered, or you got the fix you needed to carry you to the next time. Case in point, this one asshole use to love to say he want me and I fit the ideal guy he looks for. You know all the same bullshit that so many gays spout out they mouths like they chucking the shell of sunflower seeds. The problem with what he was saying was the actions never measured up. The result of this was his ass got cussed out worse than most and then I blocked him. Only for a couple years to go by and he try to come back and convince me he’s changed. I let three days pass allowing for certain situations to present themselves and I saw the same shit. Suffice to say, no cuss out needed, no words to be spoke, I silently blocked his number and quietly walked away.

The other two iterations of this situation are very similar, only differing in the people and number of years that the rouse went on. One guy, we had a 13 year love affair. Talking, texting and seeing each other off and on. Making sure that when we were on, the world couldn’t stop what were doing. But when he decided he was ready to walk away he disappeared faster than he showed up. Always using some excuse of lack of readiness as his reasoning for why he needed to get a break. Loving the atmosphere he built up. See we had so much history and we knew so much about each other, we knew how to pull the right heart strings to get what we wanted most times. I never wanted to take advantage of this, no matter how much I had been hurt or damaged by others, including him, I never wanted to play the game and not pay it off. I always wanted the end to be what we talked about so many times. Only, it took that long to realize it will only and always be just a tease. Giving me a glimpse of what the present and future would be like if he were serious, disappointed knowing all I get is to sample because the tease is all he cares for.

The second guy, well he doesn’t have as long a history but he knew how to do the right things that pushed the envelope to it’s edge without forcing the contents out of the package. While his personality was direct and sharp, when he was in my presence it was like he became a completely different guy. He would be soft and affectionate. Loving on me just as much as I loved on him. Wanting to just be cuddled up under me the entire time he was with me. Saying things before we link up, like he’s ready to stop playing the games we been playin for the past couple years. He ready to make the next step and move. Only to have the night end and the next day begin and all of sudden he ready to go back to the place that he spent days and days telling me he ready to leave. It took some time for me to understand that this was the tease he wanted to feel. He needed to feel that comfort, peace and affection. He wants to have that feeling of being wanted as much as he wants, and once he gets that feeling, he’s ready to go back to the life of the streets. I tried to give you that and more, but the dance you wanted to play I can’t tolerate anymore.

The long and short is I’m sure we all know these type of people. They can trick you sometimes because the words they say are usually true. They want the love and affection and sex and all the things that come with it. But they don’t want for a long time, you’re jus the short term means to an end.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, dating, love

Cuddle Me Not

Here is one thing that I really don’t understand about gays now days. Why is that so many of you want to cuddle up? I mean I get it, most don’t like saying they’re just on a “dating” app to fuck, but lets keep this shit real. If you’re on certain ones, that’s all you really aiming to do. Get your dick wet, your ass plunged or your mouth stuffed. I’m really not one for all the fluff and beating around the bush of it all. The overwhelming majority of niggas on there truly just want to get their nut in one way or the other and be about their business. And in truth, that’s perfectly fine. My only problem is stop masking the shit with saying you don’t just wanna fuck or you want more than just a nut. The truth is most just want that fucking nut. Whether it’s a consistent person to get that nut with or randoms, that is truly what you want. Then you have those who love to say they just wanna cuddle. Or cuddle me and fuck. My question is what the fuck for? Is it because your conscious is fucking with you because you just see yourself as some ass or dick and you don’t like it? The hoe in you is coming out and you want to find a way to justify it? To that I say, appease your mind but stop the bullshit.

Now an important point of order, I am not against cuddling! In fact I think it has its place and it is truly a wonderful feeling. Nothing beats having a man laid up under you, feeling each others bodies touching and the vibes flowing between each other. It makes the mood so much richer and the sex much more pleasing. However, that also carries tones of emotions and feelings in my book.. I don’t want to cuddle with just a fuck. If you my friend and we also fuck, then yea that makes sense to me. If you my boyfriend, then hell yea that shit should be happening regularly. But you if just my means to get my nut, or I’m your means to get yours, I don’t want to cuddle with you before sex. It’s too intimate in my mind and it creates situations that aren’t positive in my mind. Don’t spend too much time talking to me and chillin. Let’s have a couple conversations to take the edge off. We can smoke a blunt too, weed only, to relax ourselves and take away the nerves, then let’s fuck! Simple as that and just that easy. This cuddling shit that niggas want to do really is starting to annoy me. If you want something more than a nut I can understand why the cuddling shit happens, but don’t just let that be in the moment, then the next day or two you forgot what you wanted.

See this is when the problems occur. Why do I say problems? Because, you created an environment and vibe that intimated that you wanted more than just the casual fuck, and when discussed you said as such. So the next encounter after that fuck session, we cuddling and laying up. We fall asleep and you all up under me. Then times passes and a nigga no where to be found. What the fuck was the purpose? Ooooh, I get it, it was the moment that struck you right. In that moment after that good dick was stroked and pounded in yo ass, you weren’t ready to let me leave. You wanted to feel my body and energy next to you. Nigga fuck you and what you want. Again, back to the main point of this writing. Cuddle me not! Don’t waste my time, take my vibe and then act like you don’t know what the fuck going on. I never understand why niggas feel the need to hide their intentions. The truth is you loved the dick from the night before and you wanted more. But you didn’t want to make it seem like it was just that, so you covered with the extra bullshit. Why? Just leave it how it was and shit would’ve been just fuckin fine. Great sex links and a cool vibe to match. Maybe over time something more would have happened, but you moved too fast and now the shit is a wrap.

Moral of the story for me when it comes to most of these niggas, fuck you when you say you want to cuddle. Cuddle with your pillow, or your stuffed animal, or yourself. Or, find yourself a cuddle buddy. There are plenty of niggas out there who just want to cuddle and chill. No sex, or minimal sex, mostly movies and laid up. And if that is you more power to you. I understand why you’re doing it though. You want to feel the companionship of another person without having to have sex with them. I applaud you for that. But that’s a setup in my head and one I refuse to accept. Friends, family and lovers get the cuddle treatment. Fuck buddies get the we can chill and fuck treatment. Save that cuddling shit for something real. It will mean more and you won’t have to worry about unwanted feelings.

Thoughts and comments welcome.

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, real talk, Sex

Raw or strapped.. Pull out or leave it in?

Ahhh… sometimes I have to go back to the topics that bring the most controversy and sparks so many different opinions. Whether you leave your opinions on the blog or you discuss with your friends, this is one of those topics where everybody has an opinion and, usually, they’re very strong in one direction or another. I know that sex is a big taboo topic that many still don’t like to talk about or even really be honest about. You know me.. I love to discuss these things. I think it makes things so much easier when you’re open and honest with yourself and others, that you want to sleep with, about your sex life. Too many people try to pretend to be one way, when often times they want to let their inner freaks be on display. I’m not one of those people. So I’m to going answer the questions put forth in the title and then pose more thought provoking questions or statements as I go.

Me personally, I prefer to have raw sex. I don’t know when that really changed for me, but there use to be a time when if someone suggested that to me I would look at them like they were crazy. The only exceptions I made to that rule was when I was in a relationship with someone. I also was very reluctant to have hookup sex with people too. I was more interested in knowing a little about the person before we got it in. But somewhere in my mid twenties that changed. I guess it was because I was use to being in a relationship with one guy and so all I had was raw sex. So that feeling just got stuck on me and I didn’t want to feel it any other way. Even after getting out of relationships I still had that desire to want to get in that ass raw and feel that warmth and tightness and wetness of the walls on me. I think in some respects being gay helps with that mindset. Yes, there are some concerns because of the std’s and HIV in the gay community, but there is the comfort of knowing that if I fuck a dude raw and nut inside him, I can’t make no baby as a result. LOL

And, I don’t like to pull out either. For some reason I feel that the big payoff after digging in some guts raw is to just bust that fat nut deep inside that hole. Now in truth I don’t mind if I have to pull out because I get it, not everyone likes to feel that nut inside them. They may like having unprotected sex but don’t want to get semen inside them. That’s not a deal breaker and usually I just shoot it all on the back and ass. No big deal still got to feel all that booty juice on my dick. It’s just something that turns me on even more every time I bet ready to put my dick in a guy knowing that I’m about feel all inside him naturally. It makes some really amazing sex moments happen when you get to feel it like that too. The orgasm the bottom gets is intense and the tension and friction on the dick is crazy good. Makes that nut so much more pleasurable.

Now I know for the straight world it’s a little more consequences that comes with gettin some cookie raw. You have to be mindful of the ease with which that woman can get pregnant and also how potent yo sperm is. I get why so many are so cautious and take all the necessary steps to prevent unwanted or unintentional pregnancies. You have so much more to think about when deciding to let that guy hit raw or to give that dick to a girl raw. Now again, there are some who don’t care and don’t mind having to do things after to make sure no babies come. You also have those women who be trying to trap guys by letting them get in it skin to skin and letting them skeet inside them so they can have they baby. Or, to get the money to abort it. I understand why those conversations are a lot harder to have and why women and men get so mad when one or the other creates a situation where they do it raw when they don’t want to.

So many choices and so many consequences no matter whether you gay or straight. You have to consider all the potential health ramifications and the medical after effects of having unprotected sex. No matter if it’s aborting or killing a pregnancy before it gets started or catching an STD or worse if you are gay. Those things can’t be taken lightly and you have to make sure that you’re okay with the outcomes of what you have to do. More importantly than anything, just be open and honest with yourself. I think more sexual relationships suffer because the two people aren’t honest with themselves. Once you accept what you like and what you don’t compromise on, then you can find better sexual matches for yourself and matches for yourself overall.

So there are the questions to be answered.. Do you like it raw or strapped? Pull out or fill that hole up? Talk about to me.. Have discussions with your friends and significant other if you have one.

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle, Sex

What’s Your Status

Still one of the most touchy subjects in Gay community is people being open and honest about their status. Even though we’re in the year 2021 and the medical advances are substantial, it is still the forbidden fruit for many to be honest about their medical situation. The irony about that is we now have medicines that make someone who does have HIV, be able to not pass the virus to a partner, once they’re undetectable for longer than six consecutive months. Additionally, for those who are negative who like that skin to skin, or raw, action, there is Prep that helps to protect people against catching the virus if they’re fucking people and aren’t fully certain of their status. After all these years, why is it that the community at large, still seems to be so paralyzed by someone who has HIV but takes care of himself. Why is it that a person will far more readily accept someone simply saying their negative, as opposed to taking someone who is being honest saying they’re positive and undetectable?

The concern for health in the Black Gay community is real, but it also is misrepresented also. It is really interesting just how stigmatizing people are still with someone who tells their truth about their health status. I think it’s honorable for someone to come clean and tell the truth about that. What it does it give the other person the opportunity to make a fully informed decision as to whether or not they want to sexually lay with you. And to that end, I honestly feel like the reason most don’t want to accept someone who is positive is because so many gay men love to have raw sex. They like how it feels and the like to be freaky with their sex lives. They usually like having multiple sex partners and group sex links. Things that aren’t really conducive to safe sex practices or healthy sex practices. To me, the truth about that is so many people are afraid of living their true selves. They live the double persona and want to portray an image of being extra careful and cautious, while on the other side, they’re a bedroom freak.

The stigma associated with HIV and the lying done by people trying to portray the “good boy” I think has led to so many people feeling ashamed to be open about who they are. Now, for those who are taking their medicine daily and taking care of their bodies, they pose very little to no threat to those who are negative. It’s the guys who are positive and aren’t taking their medicine and taking care of themselves that are the challenge. Because they feel a sense of shame and lack of self-esteem, they tend to hide their truth and those are the ones who are continuing to spread this disease hand over fist in the community. There is such this lack of compassion and empathy for someone who has an illness that can be contained. The missing links are education and compassion. If you ask someone to tell the truth about their status, be real and mature enough to accept the answer and not make them feel like shit. You never know what they went through to get the virus. You never know if they were raped or abused or anything that led to it happening.

Now don’t get me mistaken, I’m not saying that you have to accept them and keep talking to or dating them. That is each individual’s choice and you have to decide how much you want to take different precautions to protect yourself and your partner. To be fair, there are many people in the community who are open minded and compassionate and welcoming. If you find one of these type people, appreciate them and don’t abuse their love and compassion for you. It’s also my belief that people who do accept positive men, get done wrong by them so often because that positive person usually expect that equal treatment, so they abuse it. Which we all know friends talk to their friends and it leads even more so to the divide in the community. Living in this community for as long as I have, I’ve seen all sides of the spectrum. I fully believe that when we have people being open and honest, and we have compassion we can make any issue a learning and bonding moment and not a dividing moment.

The Gay community has the potential to be amazing and it can be such a fun and loving place. But, it can also be a place that tears you down and destroys your self esteem. No matter what issue you’re dealing with, you have to always remember that the illness is part of you, it doesn’t define you. Take care of yourself, love yourself, take care of your mental and you can be as accepted as you desire. Not all will open their arms to you, but they don’t need to. Love hard on those who genuinely love on you and the rest will fall into place. Know your status and have a plan.