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Life Chronicles – The Mirror

I always pride myself on challenging myself to be the most honest and authentic version of me every day. I never say that I’m going to be the nicest or most respectful or understanding. Some days I’m not gonna be any of those things, some days I’ll be all of those things, and other days some combination of them. I always work to make sure I check myself daily. I constantly have talks about who I am, what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and who I’m doing it for. The struggle for me, sometimes, is trying to figure out the why, and the who. I get triggered when I think about the saying you are what you attract. I don’t know that I fully believe that statement. And then other times I believe it’s deftly accurate. Could that be the reason that I tend to have the types of men in my life that I do? Then I start thinking about the type of men in my life and I’m confused again. Because the men of my life are varied in style, personality, looks, and approach to life. There are lazy ass niggas who come around, trifling ass niggas who come around, college-educated niggas who come around, street niggas who come around, college-age niggas who come around, sports niggas who come around, gaming niggas who come around, chill niggas who come around, freak niggas who come around, and basic ass niggas who come around. Can I really be all these people?

Or is it something more tangible than just you are the company you keep? Is it more concrete than you are what you attract? I attract faithful, loyal ass niggas. I also attract weak ass fuck niggas, and all talk no action niggas. Am I really these different types of niggas too? I guess, depending on who you ask, on any given day I am. I think that’s why when I look in the mirror, I’m always conflicted about who I am. The masculine, naturally dominant man who likes things to flow according to me. The masculine, chill man who is indifferent to people, who allows the moment to meet my needs. The man, no classification of me. Living genuinely as the day presents itself. The vibe and aura of the music heavily influencing the energy I give off that day. The mixture of masculine and feminine energy. One where I set my boundaries for the day, allowing people to test their limits of engagement with me. The submissive guy who wants someone to come after me. Be outgoing and not always so laid back. Life isn’t just a one-way hunt. Both people need to feel wanted and liked for the dynamics to work.

The truth is I wanna show any and all of me off in a given day and I want someone versatile and diverse enough to appreciate it and be able to handle it. Who shows interest in me and I show the same in return. At times it’s the first part missing that causes questions and uncertainty. It’s the dismissive conversation we have or the energy I receive when we talk or get face to face. Understanding that I may not be aware of the shit going on with you or in your mind. I can only speak from my perspective. If you choose to keep your mouth shut, you can’t say anything to me. You say can why didn’t I speak or say something? The same will be true for you. Especially if you’re the one who has the problem. Realizing that constantly communicating can also be a sign of insecurity, as much as it’s a sign of genuine interest and intrigue. How do I balance all this? The itch for constant mental stimulation. The want for consistent emotional stimulation. The need for consistent sexual satisfaction. And a desire to not have to start it off all the time. The desire to not feel time-limited or suffocated. I want your time and your energy, but I don’t want you physically here all the time to give it to me… or do I?

The question that’s been asked to me who fuckin know how much in my life, and especially the past month or so. As the more healed, recovered, me shows himself, there have been renewed questions about my single status. Always consistent in my answer, niggas here ain’t shit and don’t know what they want. Truth is that partially correct. Now, let’s add I just don’t have time for niggas who with nothing to bring to the table. Get some depth and substance to you. Show me more than just your delicious body, your big ass dick, or your pretty plump ass. Yes, lil booties matter, and even lil booties is plump if the proportions right. Let me know that there’s depth to you. That we can do more than just be a nice fuckuationship or imaginary friends with benefits, because the truth is all we are is fuck buddies who take time to talk because we enjoy the comforts of each other, temporarily. I love that, don’t get me wrong. Sex is such a strong, passionate force in my life. Similarly, I want more. I want someone to be able to fuck all the time. Top or bottom action, on sum real shit, probably both. LMFAO. Someone to actually share my day with. Not like having to live in my house or physically be here, but to talk with about my day and theirs.

That’s where I look at myself again and say, don’t you keep it transactional with people until they prove themselves to be life including worthy. You can’t operate in this fashion and then not allow others to do the same. Because you know how to filter through the bullshit more efficiently than them, doesn’t give you the right to push them to your timeline. That’s where part of your evolution, being more patient, is being tested. When you give someone details on how they’re not showing up for you, you must have the patience to let them show you they do. That doesn’t happen overnight. And for me, that means getting impatient and finding a second or third option, because I’m still single and there’s been no conversation or comments made that we exclusive so we both can keep doing what we want. However, energy starts to be given that the desire is to just fuck with each other. Why should I do that when you’re not fully meeting my needs? There is always the balance between I want you for sex and I want you for more than sex. Maybe I want you around and it’s nothing to do with sex, it’s just the person you are that I need in my life.

The balance between willingly being helpful and that being abused because of how you see life. The uncertainty of: are they there because you’re willingly helping with life challenging shit. There really will be no way to know until you aren’t needed for anything but wanted for everything. There is a gigantic ass difference and knowing when you are chosen because of who you are and not for what you bring is a calm and confidence that can’t fully be explained. That’s why so many people refuse to date down. They date equal and up. Which makes sense because it provides a sense of security that someone isn’t solely interested in what you can give, but more on what you bring to the situation. These are the things I wrestle with all the time. The mirror can be a beautiful reflection or a tortured reminder.

Tell me about your mirror.

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Heart Chronicles – Fuck Nigga or Loyal Nigga

I know if you read that title off rip, you thinking what the fuck is this post even needed for? That would be ignorant of you and shortsighted too. It would also tell me that you really don’t know shit about me…LOL. You know I like to tease you with one thought and hit you with the true meaning behind the title. Let’s have this conversation for a minute because thinking about experiences and this is a very fair perspective to dig into.

When we think about some niggas today who are inconsistent with communication and appear to awkwardly or uncomfortably express and show their liking for you, we sometimes call them fuck niggas. Because they appear to be around to manipulate into being favorable to them and what they want. The pattern shows that when they’re most timely with their communication, is when there’s something to gain. Whether it be a free ride somewhere, money for their survival, or sex for the pleasuring of both of y’all. In this sense, you could easily say he a fuck nigga, because you don’t get most of his attention until he needs you for something. But that could also be part of the loyalty he’s showing you. No, it’s not the style or preferred way you want to communicate, but it’s actually very consistent in the way he approaches you. Then you can arguably say he’s a loyal nigga. He comes to you for the necessities of his life. Food to eat, things to buy that ensure he can have good hygiene, and to get him to important places he needs that aid his lifestyle and that fund it too.

Dig deeper into the puzzle, the truth is within every day y’all talk. There is always consistent checkin-in and following-up. You have a sense of what’s going on with each other. The reality is you’re intimately woven into his life now. Whether it’s to get weed, or to the store for a party he’s throwing, to getting food to eat, to eating cooked meals together, to being there while you work, and you, being present for his all-day panels he sits on. Within all that making time to talk to you, joke with you, sing for you, laugh with you, and spend true quality time together. Masked under the guise of life necessities is the building of something strong and stable. Seeing each other at different times of day and week. During the day, in the middle of the afternoon, evening time, nighttime, and late night. Truth is he’s been more open and transparent with his life than you have. In many respects, he sees that as a necessity for him to earn his way into your trust. Because you always come to the table with your chest wide open. People understanding who you are and why you are, but not the guts of you… the how.

Maybe that’s part of the dance that you have to do. Expressing to each other in specific terms who you are and how you move. Making sure that y’all understand the moves each other makes. The beautiful part of a dance with a stranger is that the awkwardness has to turn into beauty if you’re going to make the dance work. You have to learn each other’s tendencies. You have to understand what makes each other mad, happy, sad, all the shit that it takes to form something real. You can’t rush or push it; you must allow it to naturally happen. When the moments happen that make you feel a way, talk about that shit. Get understanding for each other. Learn about what makes him live as he does. Find out his back story. He will listen to you and learn about what makes you who you are. Again, hidden in the fuck nigga tendencies are real nigga traits. You can’t say you want someone real, honest, and open, then when you get that, you run because it’s being done the way you want it to. That’s being a hypocrite.

When he knows he’s wrong, he owns that shit. No fuckin around or dismissive conversations, he understands when he hurts your feelings, and he always makes sure to correct the action. He knows now how to avoid unnecessary tension with you, but because he’s toxic as fuck, he wants some of that tension. It lets him see the nigga inside you. It lets him understand that you won’t allow him to walk over you and just do whatever he wants. It makes him come down from the horse that gay society has put him on. That’s where the fuck nigga part of him comes in, somewhat. He’s the eye candy that almost every gay nigga out here gawks at. He knows he’s the center of attention. He’s a cool thug, a pretty masculine nigga, a charming hellraiser. The juxtaposition of all those analogies isn’t lost on me. All of them are true about him. The constant chess match. Never really knowing the temperature of the room until the moment comes. Adjust constantly to it and given grace to do so. The flip side of that is he also is a sex symbol. He advertises his body and his big ass dick. He knows what attention it brings, and the fact he can sing, rap, discuss, wrestle, run track, and has a generally dope ass personality, makes him all the more popular.

He’s been a street nigga since he was a teenager. Learning and living the street life at a young age. Seeing family get murdered also took a heavy hit on him. When your little brother gets taken out so young, how can you not have hatred in your heart and venom in your eyes? So, you do whateva you have to for your survival, even after the environment around you changes. It’s the order of the details of the story being told that you have to determine. Whatever it is though, you’re learning about the man and seeing where his fuck nigga traits come from. Add into the mix part of his survival includes associating with the punk/faggot scene in Atlanta. He’s part of those videos you see on socials when the gays be fighting at the club. He’s heavily involved in the mess and knows a lot about the people involved too. Then here comes the loyalty to you though, he always keeps you away from it. Never allowing too much of your conversation to be heard. But giving people enough of you to know that you’re the new something.

Then you have the light skin nigga that really don’t give a fuck about the perception people have of him. He’s a street nigga too. Not afraid of jail or tricks or anything that comes with that life. He’s someone that nobody would ever think of associating with you. Which means they ignore the basic principles of your life. Book covers never matter. He’s your typical cute, hood, light skin nigga. Not focused on the flash and pop of life. He likes the gutter better. Less attention on him and he does what he wants, how he wants to do it. He’s very toxic because he can be. Gay niggas love a manish nigga, especially when they light skin. His sex is good and when y’all around it’s definitely a good time. But he’s like you, he don’t really like people either. So, you don’t have consistent communication or even the most friendly, LMFAO. But, when it’s time, communication is very easy and simple. Until it’s not.

When he switches up and starts showing fuck nigga behavior, the flaking and disappearing after making plans, that’s when you have to move sideways with him too. Until the loyalty part shows up again. Remember y’all always find each other when you want to, and once you do it’s easy fireworks. This time around the energy is very different. Both of y’all remember the chemistry you share and the conversations you’ve had. Not ashamed of or embarrassed by your pasts. Y’all embrace it and make life-lasting bonds because of them. Here we go again, you have to now consider all the shit y’all talked about and the time y’all spend reuniting and shit versus the fuck nigga he showing himself to be now. Here’s another nigga willing to take accountability thou for his actions. So let’s ask the question again. Is this a fuck nigga or a loyal nigga? Always a top, his way of making up for his shit was to bottom for you. Shocked and awed by the moment. Definitely happy you got it. Now you wonder is there more to this? Is it that he’s always been verse and just never felt you deserved it until now? Is he a Verse top that found someone he wants to and feels comfortable enough to give them cheeks to? Time will give you the answers as it always does, you have to be willing to let it do so.

What about the unintentional fuck nigga. One who does all the right things on the surface. Consistently communicates and takes deep interest in your life and what’s going on in it. Always willing to be there and is available for you. At the same time, when those efforts aren’t rewarded with daddy thick dick, there’s this meltdown that seems to happen. A disappointment that causes the whole dynamic to shift. The communication becomes less personal and more basic. The energy decreases and the attention is limited. All being done because he didn’t get what he wanted when he wanted it. How is that not the definition of a fuck boy too? There isn’t just one way or one type of fuck nigga. Fuck niggas come in all shapes, sizes, types, and styles. A brown skin, socially awkward, socially aware, handsome, workout warrior is very capable of being a fuck nigga too. Then consider the loyal nigga traits shown too.

You have history that already confirms both are true of him. He has given you some fuck nigga traits with his stubbornness and refusal to change some behaviors that don’t promote the we but I model of dealing with people. That theme has been consistently present, mixed in with that has been the consistency of the communication and quality of care and attention given to you. Never being willing to settle for being out of your life. Always wanting to have that connection to you and affection for you. Wanting to show you the evolution occurring within him and how that could substantively benefit you. You’ve cooked meals together, showered together, laughed together, had dinner together, and sat quietly together. There is never a denial of the loyal nigga in him, but again I ask if you’re unwilling to make changes with things that matter, aren’t you also a fuck nigga too?

Then there’s the person who knows they a fuck nigga but for you they tryna be a loyal nigga. How do those two things ever resolve themselves favorably? The only way that you will be able to convince me that I should deal with you is to show me that you aren’t a fuck nigga. Let’s examine that too. You don’t listen, you don’t respond well to criticism. You’re too self-serving and you lack action. The fuck nigga who thinks they can talk their way through everything is hilarious to me. I could care less how good you look, how big of a bag you got, or anything else. The number one thing for me is you can’t talk one game and your actions playing a whole different game. Then that means I can’t take you seriously. Some people are shy, I understand that, but that’s an excuse. If you’re open enough to talk, then be just as open to showing what you talking. Otherwise, it’s best to leave me the fuck alone.

That’s a toxic fuck nigga because to have the capacity to have a full, coherent conversation about the shit and to keep doing the same thing is a fuck nigga in all its glory. LOL. To be forced into a recalibration of your dynamic and you still come out with the same fuck nigga actions is really weird. And that’s when we ask is he a loyal nigga? Even through all these warts, the nigga is consistent in his outreach to you. When you drop his ass for a few weeks, he takes the L, knowing he fucked up, and then reappears. Attempting foolishly to talk you into believing that he’s had some epiphany, and his life now has new meaning and understanding. He has a new drive to take more ownership over what and who is in his life. You know, the standard, typical fuck nigga line all these simp ass niggas give when they know a nigga is truly tired of the fuckery that comes with them. Credit given though, because he keeps trying. He keeps “working” on himself to present a version of himself that will appease you. Trying to more consistently display traits that you will approve of. Trais that will endear him to you and make you wanna consider the more loyal side of him than the fuck nigga side.

I’m not sure how I wind up dealing with people whose personalities split so easily in opposite ways. Different types of people and completely different personalities. I guess it fits with me because I’m sure some will say I display both fuck nigga and loyal nigga tendencies too. LOL.

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Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts 3

The journey to close the wounds to your heart is extremely challenging, being bipolar adds an extra layer that many can never understand, and few will ever talk about. Part of the truth of the epic failure of my Dallas journey is that the person I chose to take with me and build a life, was trapped by his family. They saw that he had a boyfriend who truly loved him and wanted to see his life improve. I did things for him because he explained his story to me, and I wanted to see him win. Despite the challenges he faced, he seemed undeterred. He pushed himself to be better. He was leaving the fast life behind. Getting off the hard drugs and trying to live a life he could be proud of. He got his come up being with me, his family saw that, and their eyes only saw green. Not only did his family see green, but they became very manipulative and aggressive in their private conversations with him to get money out of me. That’s where many of the cracks began to show.

When your biological mother and the mother who raised you, both come at you all the time with they hands out, it’s hard to say no. The problem was he didn’t make money to the degree that I did. He didn’t know how to save and say no like I did. What complicated matters even more was the accident that he and his brother had. They had two different situations, and two different types of people advising them on what to do. He asked me what he should do. I gave him the truth, and told him how the process works, being a claims adjuster. I also rationalized with him to understand how getting money from accidents works. His settlement was nice and being someone not used to lump sums of money, he blew it all within a couple months, even though I also explained to him about saving and why he should. His brother played the long game, faked his injuries, and got a little more money. But he didn’t understand the process, a majority of the money went to the law firm he hired to represent him. Taking “loans” on the money from the insurance company to feed his drug habits and give his family money. My boyfriend did the same thing. Splurging on shit he really couldn’t afford and constantly giving his family money. Down to $500 in about 45 days.

I remember one argument we had one day after his family questioned my commitment to him because I was unwilling to regularly send money to them. When he got hooked back on hard drugs, and they found out, they quickly showed how little they really cared about him and more about the money he could give them. Quick to tell me he needs help, and he needs to get into rehab and all these things. Nobody offered to help pay for it. Nobody accepted part of the responsibility for constantly hounding him about money. Which means he harassed me for money, causing more issues in our already strained relationship. I accept and understand that part of what drew a wedge between us was his family. I also understood that he was a liar. Not being truthful about his prior sexual dealings, not being truthful about his drug problem. All these things compounded with rushing to be together and led to even more challenging times together.

When you understand that dynamics beyond your control are intimately affecting your relationship it’s hard to walk away, when you’ve become attached to the person at the center of the issues. That’s also where I must accept responsibility for allowing my life to crash out with him. There were numerous opportunities to walk away from him and rebuild the broken pieces, but I chose love and him. That has always been part of my downfall choosing the wrong man to love. Not always listening to my instincts when they scream walk the fuck away. This was one of those situations where I should have walked away and cut my losses, yet I chose to stay. The longer I stayed the more shit burnt up. Eventually, there was nothing left to burn and the whole situation exploded. Looking dumb and embarrassed, I walked away and went through this long journey to heal all the scars that relationship created. Damn man, sometimes it can be as simple as listening to yourself. This is one of those look yourself in the mirror and accept your shit. How I never allowed myself to get to the level of using hard drugs, I will never really know. I’m just thankful I have enough self-love to never get to that point.

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Heart Chronicles – Lessons Learned

The beautiful thing about growth, learning, healing and evolving is that you see the shit before it comes. You understand the trends and patterns, which means you are expertly adept at knowing the outcome before it ever happens. The trouble with that is you don’t believe it. LOL! And I mean how could you not. You’re never told that You know what will happen. When You pay attention, connect with nature, and plug-in to their energy, You know the outcome before it happens. I’m here to let it be known that I understand the outcomes and fates of those who try around me. I see what’s possible and I know what’s the truth. When I listen to that, I always have you figured out. We All are given special gifts or talents, that allow Us to be dynamic. When You listen to it, the world seems to be so simple and easy. When You get scared or ignore the signs life is giving You, then You make mistakes that become detrimental, if You don’t get rid of them. People will circle around in Your life sometimes, just to remind You of where You don’t need to be. To have a truly balanced life, You should be exposed to All types of people. If You don’t know what an Opp looks like, how will You know when they’re there?

Sometimes, people will fall into Your universe to teach You lessons. Other times, it’s to remind You of who You are. Then, there’s times when they come to show You, tell You, remind You, advise You, why You shouldn’t do things that run counter to Your success and whole happiness. When You forget to disconnect, You get reminded why You should. Once You allow nature to run the course intended, You will also find out if the seeds planted bear fruit. Things don’t always stay as they begin. You have to know when an Opp is masking as the truth and when the truth is masked as an Opp. Life isn’t singular, monolithic, one dimensional, black and white. Life is color, it’s unpredictable, it’s fucked up, it’s surprising, it dynamic! Always changing, never the same. People that started out one way, become something else; and folks who start another way, show up differently all together. The golden rule for me is never assume that You KNOW. Accept that you almost know. There is always deviation. Nothing is absolute. Which means that You need a variety of people in You life to keep You sharpe and on top of Your faculties. Be accepting and welcoming to the fact that You will know a lot of life and You will know nothing of life.

The Opp will sometimes mask as the real shit. They have a keen ability to verbally touch the titillating parts of Your inner being. The energy they come with is very pure, so when it touches Your senses, You immediately awaken from Your self-imposed slumber. Tired of the bullshit out here. The dumb acting niggas, the too confident niggas, the trash niggas, the trade niggas, the pretend niggas, the hood niggas, the street niggas, the smart niggas, the intellectual niggas, the facade niggas, the catfish niggas, the popular niggas, the sports niggas, the fem niggas, the trans niggas, the DL niggas, the discreet niggas, the exclusive niggas, the trap niggas, the country niggas, drug head niggas, weed head niggas, alcoholic niggas, butch queen niggas, drag queen niggas, fuck niggas, fake niggas, coke head niggas, meth head niggas, cheap ass niggas, savvy niggas, smooth talking niggas, rough niggas, school boy niggas, college niggas, college professor niggas, law enforcement niggas, administrator niggas, fuck boy niggas, clown niggas, star niggas, freak niggas, sick niggas, wealthy niggas, pretty boi niggas, sensitive niggas, soft niggas, hard niggas, mean niggas, sweet niggas, sophisticated niggas, simple niggas, dumb niggas, childish niggas, grown niggas, real niggas, humble niggas, deaf niggas, illiterate niggas, easy niggas, wrong niggas, stupid niggas, beautiful niggas, trifling niggas, artistic niggas, athletic niggas, faded niggas, porn star niggas, innocent niggas, guilty niggas, lying niggas, hurtful niggas, harmful niggas, hurt niggas, quiet niggas, loud niggas, ignorant niggas, church niggas, doctor niggas, lawyer niggas, entrepreneur niggas, broke niggas, hustling niggas, honest niggas, trustworthy niggas, loyal niggas, loving niggas, compassionate niggas, caring niggas, family niggas, individual niggas, selfish niggas, angry niggas, bitter niggas, petty niggas, ruined niggas, sexy niggas, rare niggas, common niggas, tired niggas, hungry niggas, overwhelmed niggas, scared niggas, powerful niggas, powerless niggas, lazy niggas, weird niggas, ugly niggas, cool niggas, intentional niggas, thoughtful niggas, passionate niggas, blessed niggas, honored niggas, tragic niggas, tremendous niggas, fabulous niggas, gorgeous niggas, boring niggas, energetic niggas, excited niggas, eccentric niggas, shallow niggas, lowkey niggas, sleepy niggas, horny niggas, empty niggas, full niggas, deserving niggas, undeserving niggas, tortured niggas, exhausted niggas, needy niggas, free niggas, bound niggas, jailed niggas, partnered niggas, cheating niggas, greedy niggas, settled niggas, happy niggas, sad niggas, thankful niggas, protected niggas, unprotected niggas, ungrateful niggas, grateful niggas, aware niggas, unaware niggas, unresponsive niggas, responsive niggas, responsible niggas, unresponsible niggas, misbehaving niggas, well-mannered niggas, secretive niggas, criminal niggas, preacher niggas, deacon niggas, slut niggas, virgin niggas, dead niggas, alive niggas, musical niggas, lyrical niggas, poetic niggas, jovial niggas, community niggas, village niggas, life niggas, shady niggas, short-term niggas, sneaky link niggas, beginning niggas, middle niggas, superficial niggas, materialistic niggas, twin niggas, curious niggas, inquisitive niggas, reluctant niggas, scary niggas, heroic niggas, giving niggas, aware niggas, high niggas, spiritual niggas, religious niggas, fearless niggas, black niggas, puerto rican niggas, jamacian niggas, blasian niggas, dark niggas, light niggas, brown niggas, foreign niggas, scandanavian niggas, mixed niggas, homebody niggas, outdoors niggas, club niggas, old niggas, young niggas, entitiled niggas, spoiled niggas, hardworking nigga, single parent niggas, dog lover niggas, animal loving niggas, earth loving niggas, acting niggas, serving niggas, dedicated niggas, big dick niggas, little dick niggas, long dick niggas, skinny dick niggas, fat dick niggas, lil booty niggas, plum booty niggas, peach ass niggas, juicy booty niggas, fat booty niggas, skinny niggas, fat niggas, muscle niggas, thick niggas, slim thick niggas, thunder thighs niggas, basketball niggas, football niggas, pretty dick niggas, ugly dick niggas, tall niggas, short niggas, average niggas, singing niggas, musty dick niggas, fresh niggas, dirty niggas, slutty niggas, whore niggas, tight booty niggas, loose ass niggas, wett ass niggas, dry booty niggas, shitty booty niggas, dirty booty niggas, musty booty niggas, clean booty niggas, fresh booty niggas, hairy booty niggas, smooth booty niggas, jiggly booty niggas, muscle booty niggas, soft booty niggas, creamy booty niggas, saggy ass niggas, masculine niggas, fem top niggas, masc top niggas, dominant top niggas, submissive top niggas, power top niggas, power bottom niggas, masc bottom niggas, fem bottom niggas, vers bottom niggas, vers top niggas, top niggas, bottom niggas, hung bottom niggas, bisexual niggas, pansexual niggas, fluid niggas.

Maybe it is the water. Florida, South Carolina, Georgia, all following the same trends. People in their states migrate and take their mindset with them. Altering the cultural and social landscape. There is a certain dominance asserted with a Florida boy. It might be a quiet dominance, loud dominance, balance dominance, submissive dominance, deliberate dominance or powerful dominance. You must respect that energy and be able to absorb and reflect it back. That’s where the respect comes from with them. Don’t let them run You over. Remember why they wanted you in the first place. You are that nigga. The energy, fashion, intellect, mentality, and look is put together. Growing and evolving always. Keeping fresh with time, never in a way to make Yourself look foolish, but always to remind them that You are always current. Setting Your own trend. South Carolina niggas… well they’re just talk and flash. They want You to think that they’ve got it all put together. Often times, they got a piece here and a couple pieces there, but You will be the dominant one there. The catch with them though, is they love affection, quality time, and being affirmed. When You speak their languages, it always an easy win for You. It’s difficult to sustain though, because they want You to be open, honest, humbled, calm, nice with them, but they don’t fully return the favor. Reciprocation is the name of games always in relationships. If you expect me to give you this version of me, then I expect the same from you. How can you not agree with that? Why is it even a fuckin discussion that has to be had? Like on what fuckin planet do you think it makes sense to say, hey I need to You to be this way and that way, but me Imma just do me. Fuck no! Wrong as a bitch!! We doing this shit the same way over here. If I give you what you ask for and I can’t get the same energy in return, I’m gone show you it’s best you leave. And the Georgia boys… that’s the catch. When you meet the ones who are from here, they’re some of the best guys, at times. Now some of these niggas, is just UGHHHHH. The transplants made the shit a million times worse. Now, everything is superficial and fake. How much can you use someone for. What’s the most you can get from a nigga because hey, why not? Time is money they say. If that’s the case, then nobody should get money. If You choose to give someone Your time, then You have paid them, and they paid You. Both of You sacrifice time when choosing to fuck with each other. I get it, You think that You’re the prize all the time. So, if someone isn’t on Your perceived level, You make them pay for just Your time. Now if they meet and/or exceed the criteria, then You become just as humble to them. I can understand and respect that. If you dealing with niggas in Georgia, pray that You get a quiet nigga, or a homebody nigga. They will cherish You. They will respect You. You just need to have the one thing that You suck at… Patience! These types are the opposite of who You were. Who You are, they are the perfect match for You now. Not needing to be Seen. Comfortable in their skin and happy to be beside You. Actually, walking slightly behind You. Not because they are behind or beneath You, but because You are the star, and they want You to lead and shine. Happy to be Your fuel to re-energize when You begin to get drained. If You find one, keep him. If You get lucky to find more than one, hide them! Take Your time and let the relationships develop naturally. The right one of the group, will naturally gravitate towards you.

What You learned along the way, is that age is so fuckin relative. The niggas who should be Your target are so scattered and weak. The ones who are accessible are damaged and need to work on them. The ones You desire won’t be found in this city, and if they are, they’re at a level that You haven’t accessed yet. Until You can, realize that the value is in the quality of the experiences, relative to the age of the person. All adults are different, and at different ages do we mature through life. Some get to have the fullness of life by times they enter their 20’s. An idea most niggas today would say is fuckin crazy. But the truth is, in this country niggas was having full lives by age 18. Kids, school, the military, the workforce. All that shit accomplished by age 18 or 19 or 20. The drawback is that they aren’t as wide open mentally oftentimes. being world experienced, and mentally aware aren’t the same things. Young niggas need to have life happen to them to understand why You live life a certain way. As they begin to understand that You see they gravitate back towards You. You are an example even through Your shit. They see a level of accomplishment, and they realize that You’re not done. You have more ambition and drive to continue growing, learning, evolving, and healing. The challenge for You is identifying who is/are the Opp/Opps. There are niggas in life that are here to destroy everything You have. Take Your peace, happiness, success away from You. Tear You down because they were already torn, or because they believe to come up You must tear down. They hide in the skins of loving, caring, affectionate men. They’ve been heartbroken before by one or multiple lovers. They’ve had an abusive past in one form or another. They getting back up and need help getting there. Those are like activation words for You. LOL. You love trying to help someone get their life together. That’s because You know the value of peace. You’ve been homeless before. You’ve been hungry, having not eaten for more than a day. You’ve had to walk everywhere You went. Having no place with Your name on it, but You can lay Your head. Living on edge because You’re so close to losing it all and having it all. It’s just a matter of time and the right breaks happening for You. That Favor shows up for You right on time. That always has reached Your heart, so You always find Yourself prone to that type of guy. And that’s why You must be careful. Because Opps are ALL in those ones. Waiting for the right Host to be the Parasite on. Draining them while getting themselves full. The right parasite will benefit You, while You benefit it too.

The lesson You learn is You can’t be the Host all the time. Sometimes, the parasites have to feed on others. Let them use their manipulative skills on the others. They feel, sense and appreciate Your realness. They choose to separate themselves so they can present themselves the right way for You. You set the standard and You enforced it without having to be mean, nasty, or harsh. You gave with a dominant grace. The messages were felt, delivered and respected. The absence and distance is because the respect is mutual, the appreciation is mutual, the feelings are mutual, so changes must happen for them to be realized. The beauty is that because of Your growth, healing, evolving, and learning, You know how to continue to grow that bond, fuel that fire, without being the Host and them being the Parasite. Learning, growing, evolving, and healing are beautiful. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary. It’s the reason that You could identify two Opps before they could get any closer. Before any more time was wasted. You listened and You followed the vibes/energy. Never being disrespectful in walking away. Always giving full appreciation, balancing your critique, delivering it with the strength, dominance, grace available to You. Moving forward is what must be done in all cases. Sweet niggas and smart niggas don’t mean right niggas. LOL. It takes the right mix, and I will never give away the ingredients, because they Always change.

Damn this shit really does feel good. Normally, after I’ve done these things, I sit in my thoughts. Questioning if I made the right decisions. Not trusting the instincts and gifts I’ve been given. Discerning the energy once I connect to the source, seeing the future path when I flow with nature, knowing the soul, once our spirits connect. Today, I feel good. After this, I feel released and at peace. Time to go enjoy a beautiful day!

What have You learned?

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Heart Chronicles – The Unspoken Always Speak

Every so often the universe/God, has to remind You just how in tune You are with it. On a random day, at a very random time, Your peace gets disturbed in the best way possible. You encounter someone dismissed as fake and parasitic. They present themselves to You with the same fever and genuine excitement to have been able to plug back into the source. Giddy with excitement fills the space between the two of you. Giving air between texts to think and feel. Smiling and laughing the whole time, all because someone who brings out Your passion and emotion has returned. Understanding that the type of passion he unlocks is purely from a place in the heart. Touching the purest points inside You because You realize just how fueling he can be to You and You to him. What the fuck is the problem then? He’s needed time to learn and grown. Admitted to himself, when You began talking. Asked directly and answered with that phrase. Learning what? I guess time will truly tell us that. Admitting that only You know how to excite him inside. Not like that, LOL, not yet anyway, LMMFAO.

Saying that no one makes him feel the feelings, emotions that You do. Able to speak with commanding presence. Talk with a clarity and definitiveness that resonates with his spirit, touching his soul. From what it appears, he is and has always been fascinated with You. Your energy, presence, physical appearance, everything. You clash substantively at times, because You see the world from different view, but they’re mostly complementary. He desires for Your manly approach. Placing boundaries around his social life and enforcing them in the face of his friends. Loving on each other intentionally, purposefully, and passionately. Carefully aware not to deflect potential moments that could bring foundational joy. His energy for You has never been in question. Truth is, You have always been the prize in his eyes. He actually has been remarkably consistent in that regard. Throughout the three plus years you’ve known each other, You always were talked about with great excitement and arousal. Never able to be shown because of his reluctance. A combination of being scared and not having a real experience to draw from. Needing to live life a little more. Experience some things, talk to people, learn about himself, grow in his self-confidence and self-awareness. Understanding that even now, there will adjustment and growth. Time to see if the energy, aura, and vibe transcend from socially, to privately. Never rushing, always efficiently, moving to reveal what lies beneath the surface.

Words have meaning, the power is given when meanings are universally understood and accepted and/or there is a physical verification or validation of the words and their meanings. We can’t pretend like when someone tells us something that we want to hear, like it doesn’t get a lil warm on the inside part. Hoping that these words will be affirmed and manifest themselves with actions from the person who used the words. Why do we get so upset with someone who uses words we understand? Because we place expectation or responsibility on the individual to deliver on the promise of their words. When the door opens again the expectations will be the same. There isn’t a softening until the actions show up and match the words delivered. If it doesn’t happen this time, then that will write the final page, the book. We know how the story goes in that case. And where we stand at life today, we don’t have time for anyone that wants to lip service anything.

Now You are the person who never needs to be explained. You’re always talked about but rarely identified. You are my private life. Very few have ever seen You. And never because I’m ashamed. I mean real shit… You are the definition of a baddie. Head to toe, personality and all. For almost five years now, we’ve been each other’s silent love affair all this time. Never pushing an agenda, not trying to make anything happen. Loving the space and peace we have with and for each other. Always understanding that if/when the time presents itself, the moment will be there. Sometimes missing the signs myself, that innocently and subvertly show up. We always fill each other’s space with the things that are missing. If we just need to talk, endless hours reliving the past days, weeks, months, years of our life, there we are. Never being afraid to indulge ourselves in the moment. Overcoming any obstacles trying to prevent us from flowing through our conversation. Whatever topics we desire to bring up. Sharing whatever intimate details we want. Protecting each other from too much. Realizing that there is something being quietly built. Not to be discussed really, but always to be understood between us and us alone.

Always knowing when to drop a little tease. Keeping that tension at a peak. Reminding ourselves of what it is. I recently had something happen and my mind instantly clicked to understand that it was another reminder about You. That reminders of You can come from other people with no connection to You at all. It’s amazing at how much we keep away from the world when we truly want to protect something or someone. We will give details and present the conversation, but if we are concealing who it is, we will take ALL cautionary measures to be as general and obsequious as necessary to shield You. In some ways, You could say it’s the ultimate tease. Always just at the fingertips, never within full grasp. Can you imagine the feeling? Knowing that the potential is right in front of You, it’s just not ready to be tapped yet. You have to be comfortable with that, and take Your chances that if a serious threat comes up, You will be given full opportunity to present Your case as to why it should be You and not them. You know part of the issue will be, until you finally build that final bridge, is contending with close outsiders. He provides everything that like, want, need. Intelligent, gorgeous, direct, outspoken, loving. It reads like the one, two, three of things to be for You. Always knowing when enough is enough. Never overstaying, and willing to share with You no matter what. Now isn’t the time to really expound on You, there is more work to be done. But You’re in the conscious because You never let Yourself leave. The unspoken do always speak.

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Heart Chronicles – Growth Shines

True shit… I have always struggled with the urges to be the savior. So many times, I came across people who were good at heart. Genuine, as much as one can be, when you’re struggling to live day to day. It’s relatively easy to catch someone when they’re down and build them up. Some would call them projects… LMMFAO! Until they paused long enough to realize they too, were now a project. They present themselves in many different forms. The social media lover, lol, always publicly in a relationship, which privately kills it before a foundation can be built. But, the chemistry is automatic. The sex is always explosive and intimate. Soo close to making the bond much stickier, every time pulling back for some unknown reason. Like our souls are saying now is not the time. Wanting to protect each other’s heart, as opposed to submitting the humid lust that permeates the air. And then it starts to happen… you catch him at the best/worst time. Ending the last public fuckuationship. Yup, I said it. Done for the ultimate benefit of their pockets, but he is truly a hopeless romantic at heart. Just be the right type and he’s going to do whatever you say. When you’re the right look, but the wrong type… you must catch him at the perfect moment. But you got to see why he’s so loved by those closest to him. His heart is pure. He will follow you because he will love you, but he’s terrified to give up the fast life. It’s what he knows best.

The sneaky link, that becomes a crush, that becomes a friend, that becomes…? Questions of how do you present to him? What do you really want from/with him? Are you sure you can handle the pressure that will come? But see, here is his problem… just like the one before, but on a much more lowkey level, he’s a popular man in the streets. HAAAA!!! But the two of you share an unspoken bond, a link that formed more tightly than you anticipated. Never expecting this, but certainly open to entertaining him. Can you afford the lifestyle? Better yet, can you pull him up enough and until he can get himself situated? If you can, you might just have found someone special… but it’s not that easy. You must balance chasing with being chased. The fearless king that wants it all, but really doesn’t have the foundation. Flying higher than he can smoothly fly. Desiring to experience the turbulence to gain the needed life experience. He presents the characteristics that you love in a man. He’s ambitious and determined. He wants to show his versatility thou. He wants to have love… not the kind that plays and toys, but the kind that sticks and builds something. Problem is, like I said, he’s not fully armed with the needed tools to succeed on your level, right now. With time and guidance, he can, and will be a dominating presence for years to come. Right now, he’s not right for you.

The new guy that arrives with his shit together. Career minded and focused but loves a good time. Desires your company. Enjoys your vibe and aura. Sees your potential just as you see his. This time there’s no need to pull anyone up. Both of you are career minded. You are farther, but he’s not that far behind you. Allow yourself to indulge in him. It’s allowable for you to feel the full pleasure of your hard efforts. The only problem here is that you live on opposite ends of the city. Wheeeewwwwww.. traffic much. LOL. Before, you wouldn’t really allow yourself to test these waters because he was too far. But he’s been to you multiple times now… Return the favor and enjoy yourself. Don’t wait too long though, he’s willing to be a little patient, but if you hesitate, he’s gone. What do you do? Cuz there’s also the typical type you have that someone else fits. LOL. He’s bright, college almost graduate, employed, and aspiring professional. Right down your happy ground. He’s comfortable in his skin, and it’s unique, much like you. He keeps himself busy and that’s the problem, right now. You desire more and he wants to provide that for you. However, he has college son at home problems. You must relax and allow this to breathe. Your ability to feel the moment and have patience has been clutch for you. Do you maintain this patience? Push a little and make the dynamic try to fit your perspective? The flow has always been best.

The nerd, butch queen is still ever present too. Learning how to respect boundaries at all times is a challenge. You’ve been doing what you don’t too with him because once you decided to explore him, you had to grow him to adapt to you. It’s challenging, but truth is it’s been worth it. Because he comes with himself put together in almost all aspects of life. He would definitely aide in your update and upgrade. Religiously wanting to keep you current, even though he knows your appetite for life will demand that you remain current and inquisitive. The energy always surprises. Learning the softer, mellower, yet direct, cutthroat you has been jarring. You chose to have patience, but you demand respect. You’re going to find out very soon, if you should stay or exit stage left. Mr. Smooth School boy is back again and not going away quietly. His problem is that he’s very green still. He needs to find himself more and fully understand his body. Can you sit around and commit to that? You understand his love and affinity for you. It’s beautiful and you appreciate it with all of your soul. The ability to allow two different belief sets spiritually connect and coexist is divine. That goes to provide that both are right. Two different, yet similar belief sets can be true, peacefully. Always appreciative for you. Enjoying your time and presence, not understanding that simply showing up isn’t enough. You want more, but you’re not putting more effort. Growth must happen, and you can’t make it happen. You must allow him to evolve on his own. The guidance thing again… LOL. What are you going to do there?

And then there are the three aces. Always have been put together and ready. Away from you though, and that’s the catch with each of them. Different people, different energies, different experiences, but all of them so dynamic that the second confirmation is given, EVERYONE else is DONE. I’m never sure when the day is going to come that one of them really pushes their cards in the table and take the leap to live life with me. All of them show me, in their own ways, how they receive my energy and understand the purpose. Not to just keep pouring into them, only to be used on them other niggas. That soon, very soon, the time will come for us to take our place beside each other. Ready, willing, desired, and able to take this life journey and live it.

All of these situations diametrically different from each other. None of them alike. All with distinct personalities. Fitting some part of my complex inner being. I find comfort in each of these men that cannot be explained. Allowing each one to disqualify themselves from the ultimate perch, while allowing all of them plead their cases. I watch and observe it all. It will never be enough to just physically fit my needs. To be with/around me, you must be able to touch other facets of me. I’m proud of myself. I haven’t chosen anyone. I’m eliminating and evaluating, some have already fallen off, others are regaining footing and momentum. Preparing to understand the terms at play. Dropping hints of their pending character development. Stick around and I’ll see what you share. Desiring now me to share, because that’s what his current need is. Is the allure of balance in the future the reason for his continued journey in my life? IDK, because even when everything stopped, there the both of you were. Continuously in communication with each other. Explanations provided when the time lapse was too long. Never overextending; now showing signs of wanting to extend from sparce to sometimes, expressing a desire for more. Proclaiming his presence when the crowd is gathered. How fuckin grown is that bro. Like, the nigga openly made it known that he wants to be around you during that time. No strings, no questions. Now, openly proclaiming his desire for more of you. Is it real or just like everyone else that’s not quite put together, is this a means to an end? Parlaying that affection for him, into favors for him. Not coming to you anymore, meeting him now. Monitor the situation, though it was acknowledged that wheels are down, so that’s played an even larger role. But, here yo ass stand.

In the past, I would’ve forced myself to choose one. Letting most of them go, holding on to the one or two I have the closest bond too. Losing out on possibly better because I want to play hero, and don’t wanna be patient to allow people to sort themselves out. Not anymore. Feeling the vibe, understanding the moment, setting the tone and mood. That’s how you stay dynamic. Always able to command attention if/when wanted or needed. Today you had the floor and you dictated terms to all. Remember who you are. Not who you were. Yes, they know who you were, and what you did. They also see you for who you are now. Giving you the shine and respect you’ve earned. Stand the fuck up, stick yo got damn chest out, and take a fuckin bow. Now, get on your shit. We’re just warming up. There’s a lot to do and be done. Time to go. That’s going to sift through them very quickly. New home, new start, new life.

Growth is a mother fucka. You have to do to be better. It’s never going to be easy, but it will always be necessary. The more quickly you accept that growth is painful sometimes, you will have the grace to endure it.

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Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts

When I first started this journey again, to heal my soul, and to discover who I am again, I knew it would be a mighty fucking move. Requiring me to overcome years of trauma. Revealing the most damaged, twisted, painful, lustful, sinful, savage parts of who I am. In the course of one link, I blew his back out and then argued vehemently with him after. I’ve found myself in some situations and positions that never would’ve been dreamed of. The places I’ve allowed myself to be… to do some of the things that I allowed myself to do… Damn, I really had reached a new low that I never seen before.

To know the origins of this recovery, you must know the depths of the destruction. From being on top, thriving, succeeding, growing, evolving, flourishing, productive, accomplished. These were the plaudits being given to You, described You. No matter which end of the spectrum You were viewed from, everyone knew one thing, You were going places nigga. Determined to set the world on fire because You had arrived, and everybody was gone take notice. You showed your deft touch of life by smoothing navigating soo many worlds. You always lived in the Gay one, but you had a professional one, and a separate private one that needed attention, and if you fucked up how You operated the Gay one, well, You was fucking up Your life.

We had a couple instances of those. Relationships where they started with so much passion, fire, and success. Loving and lusting all at the same time, for each other, or so I thought. Before I continue that story, let me take you all the way back to the beginning. To where I was born, and I knew who I was underneath the cloak of “straight-male life”. I was 16 years old, and I met, who I thought was a girl, this dope ass person in a teen chat. Once I saw a picture of her, turned out to be him… WTF?!?!?!?!?! Then he begged me to stop firing off and let him explain. I don’t know why I listened to him, but his soft, soothing voice permitted me to ease the fire boiling in my spirit. Ready to allow this man to possibly expose a truth that’s been waiting to escape for as long as I can remember. He explained himself to me, told me who he was and where he lived. I learned we had a mutual friendship with someone well known in our community. I was scared as fuck then, because nigga WHAT??? This man is the living proof that I’ve been gay, and understanding of it, since I was a teenager. He was the perfect person for me. I gushed like a lil bitch every time we talked. He just knew what to say to me. How to touch my soul with the softness, fondness, and affection of his words. Even when we would argue, because he didn’t answer the phone when I called. Knowing that at our ages, calling each other was kinda crazy… well for me only I later found out. His family knew he was gay, and they loved him even more for it. His brother told me how much he liked me, but because I wasn’t out and couldn’t come out, at that time, I was going to lose him. He said I just needed to come see his brother and everything would be fine. Because his brother loves me and if I’m not scared then I should show up because that means I love him, and we would work through anything together. He even offered me to stay at their house, if my family put me out the house.

I was immediately struck by this terrorizing fear. I froze like a nigga staring down the barrel. Understanding his fate is about to be determined by this next move. Could he, or couldn’t he? Do you want to be happy… or do you want to be accepted? He told me he would tell his brother I called, and he would have him call me back. I was so thankful nigga. LOL. I wanted him to know just how much I truly liked him. Like over the time we spent talking, it was the most effortless conversations I’ve had in life. We waxed poetically like lil kids. Laughing and giggling, serious and honest, thoughtful and affectionate, raunchy and vulnerable. I never thought I could experience what pure, real love is at such a young age. The true definition of high school sweethearts. Just, we don’t fit into the “common America” narrative. So, to have this much love, we gotta hide this shit for now. Until we’re old enough to do this on our own, by ourselves. I remember his brother telling me that if I moved there, I would have to get a job, because no one lived free. But, I would be safe and protected there. Won’t nobody gone fuck wit me. They were a family, and the reason he was so protective over his little brother is because he’s super sensitive. He loves hard as fuck, which means once he’s with and for you, you got a rider til the wheels break off that bitch.

All the things I needed to hear, he told me. I was prepared to step out there, give up everything if needed, because I loved this guy. I just didn’t trust the roots. I was so fuckin scared. I’m just a fuckin teenager, what do I know? How am I sure this is even real? For all I know, this could be a scam. Somebody playing and catfishing, you know. I do all this shit only to be played and look like a Fuckin fool! Ok, let me back up, because there’s details, I’m leaving out that evens the scales. Right now, I look super fuckin weak, and that shit ain’t right. Truth is, during our late night talks he would always ask me to come see him at work. He worked at Taco Bell across town. For me, that was like a 20 min drive, not bad at all. Problem was he worked late night, and I couldn’t leave that late. My momma was the coolest moms, real shit, but she knew what was outside late at night and as the mother of a young, dark-skinned, nigga with man features in my hometown, nigga that was a recipe for one of two things… jail or dead. Well, the third was in fuckin, and she was worried about that, but not with who she thought. LMFAO!! See she was worried about becoming a young grandma, she didn’t know, who I prefer to play wit ain’t no kids coming biologically, we would need a third. HA!!!!! But I digress. LMAO. So, she won’t having it when I asked to slide out late one night to see him at work. I started asking a few times and she began to ask questions. I changed tactics, and instead of waiting late, I would go outside and ask if I could stay out til 12 or 1. Long enough to let him get to work, then go see him.

She blocked that when I wouldn’t tell her exactly where I would be going. And the one time I did, her eyes lit up and it was like I spoke the forbidden language or some shit. LMFAO. She said no, and that was that for me. I wasn’t gone sneak out because I just didn’t wanna be that kid. I love my momma too much and I didn’t want to be a teenage statistic in Va. He didn’t give up on me, but he started to move away from me. I remember the day we broke up. He told me that he just didn’t want to wait anymore. His brother told him everything we talked about that night on the phone. And he asked me “why didn’t I do it yet?” I told him that I really want to so bad, but I just scared as fuck. I could feel the hurt in his voice and the pain in his eyes, he sighed so heavy and brokenly said “I understand.” With that it was over. He broke up with me, told me that he found another guy that was open like him, and they lived close to each other, and he was going to move on. He never closed the door on me though. He told me where he would be if I ever wanted to be happy. I never went, and I never got my high school sweetheart. It broke my soul and my spirit so badly. He was exactly what I wanted in a lover. Sweet, charming, passionate, funny, smart, thoughtful, vulnerable, open. He showed me what heart looks like in a man. I never understand his magical pull over me. How could this person just speak to me like I’m the only person in the world who matters. We laugh about our days. Him in his ratchet school, being the fem kid that just dripped his own sauce.

I would tell him about the boring shit that happened during my school day. He would laugh and always tell me it wasn’t boring. He wished he was there with me. Because we would have the school talking. LOL. Lowkey, I wish he was able to go to school with me to. I know coming out with him would’ve been so liberating. Living my happy truth, with the love of my life. My desire to keep him a secret is what kept us apart. I know had I told my momma I wanted to see my friend. Tell her his name and what school he goes too and where he stays, she would’ve reluctantly said yes. Her reluctance not because he’s a male, she actually would’ve been happy about that. It’s that he lives in a questionable area. She knows what can happen over there and she would be worried about my safety. But, not wanting to shield me from life, she would say yes. I would have to let her know when I got there though. And when I’m on my way home. Knowing how the energy was between me and him, I would probably fall asleep every night and get in trouble every time. But that would start my momma’s clock in her head about just who this boy was. Mothers aren’t stupid and mines sure wasn’t. She was attentive to her son. Me consistently saying I wanna go to the same place, that’s going to draw flags and I wasn’t ready for that. The judgement and questions of it all. I couldn’t face that at 16. I wasn’t ready. I needed to protect this image because I needed to feel loved and accepted. Despite, feeling the real love an acceptance from him.

When we talked about music it wasn’t just rap and shit. It was pop music and female R&B. Never judged, always supported, cheered and encouraged. Express myself as fully as I feel I need to. Allow myself to explore my feelings and my spirit. He was everything to me. But I couldn’t out my head, and I lost him. Once we lost contact that was it. I forgot him, so I could move on and not feel the pain of no longer having him. I would keep tabs on him here and there. Always looking him up to make sure he was good. I remember looking him up when we graduated high school. I saw his name and his honors. I was so proud of that man. Living life his way and accomplishing shit people said he wouldn’t. That was the origin of me. That’s where this journey began. And the most recent travels and movements forced me to find my way back to where I began. This began the birth/rebirth of me.

The second stop on this train was a 17-year love affair. Yea, I said that exactly right! A true fuckin Grease love affair. Met the most innocent of ways and began what was 17 years of chasing, loving, lying, evading, persuading, contemplating, faking and regretting. See the first one was full of young love and ambition. Pureness. This one had everything in it. Fake identities, fake deaths, lying, deceiving, honesty, humility, lust, love, passion, betrayal, humiliation, embarrassment. The extreme toxicity that permeated between us was damn near killer. We had this insatiable desire for the love of each other, but we never knew how to harness it and present it one another without burning the bridge almost to no repair to get there. It was a tiresome game of chicken. Who would blink first and last? I was in love with this man. He showed me that pure love, even though it was introduced to me under false terms. This nigga was just a young bull, full of life and ready to show people just how grown and ready for the world he was, especially the gay one. I’ll admit, he definitely had game. He was a chocolate pretty boy. Smooth baby face, sweet eyes, soft lips and this general innocence that was the magnet to get you caught. Once in the web you see it was mostly smoke with a few broken mirrors.

Each attempt an effort to show he mastered prior challenges that stopped his progression. Forgetting the first rule of return, you must come back to me present, not currently caught up from the past. Present means you’ve done all the work of the past and now of the present and You are presenting You to me now, ready to be all that I want and need in the now. He would always fall short of now, because he was so busy worried about what he didn’t right before, to do right now. We continued this circular dance for a long number of years. Catching each other at the wrong time for one of us. Never willing to be patient long enough for both of us to slide back into our rhythm. Knowing that we don’t need long. Never have, because our souls connect like the links of a fence or the links in a chain. Welded so beautifully as to perfectly catch the weight to evenly distribute it across your neck to gloriously display itself for the world to see on your beautiful body. Again, an effortless ease that everything happened. No matter in person or on the phone, we always fit like gloves. But his lustful playboy life, and my open grown man life never came into alignment. He was always busy trying to have 3 options in case the first option doesn’t work. And I was busy being free. Exploring the world and the brown men in it. We never gave warning to each other. We just found one another and encroached into our personal spaces. Ignoring if anyone was/ is already there. We will make time for each other, until we deliver the safe words that push us away until that person who’s there is gone. Always waiting but not really waiting. Living, while also listening. Once the sounds of freedom were given, there we were finding each other again. But I was tired of that. Tired of the lies and bullshit. All the antics and theatrics. We’ve done them for such a long time and now the curtain must finally drop. As sad and hurt as I was to have to make this move, it was necessary. It was the only way to ensure that this shit ended.

Normally, we would’ve found each other again by now. Reliving why we broke apart. Walking on eggshells, to not damage the fragile foundation we’re attempting to rebuild. Desiring to lust of each other again. Knowing what it could do, understanding it’s only likely a dying mate call. One last time for all the years of bullshit. Doing the thing that we never did enough of, but when we did… exactly as expected. But that’s not how life is playing. That book is finished, the final chapter written, the last period placed. I will always and forever love that man. For 17 years of my life, I could count on him to show up and the world would feel right for a little while. Only to be reminded of just how narcissistic he is. I’m just grateful for the love and heart that we shared. Fuck all the dumb shit, we made beautiful music for a long time, and I’m forever indebted to someone who was willing to ride the roller coaster of life with me.

This one needs more time to air. Part two of the healing story will come shortly. I have to finish explaining about those three times, the Gay life fucked up the Whole Personal life. Damn, talk about healing that had to be done… I’ll be back with that story soon.

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Heart Chronicles – Upgraded

It’s not too often that I sit back and say.. damn, that really is me. But this seems to be one of those moments. That I’m witnessing the revolutionized version of me is mind boggling. We only hope that at some point we get to encounter the next iterations of ourselves. A beautiful and real reminder from life that your seasons are beginning to fade. There is still plenty of room at the table for You, but the main course isn’t exclusively yours, and You may not be the favored entree in a majority of situations. This isn’t one of those times though, and you may have just found the secret to your life happiness.

You engage the conversation with all the attention that it deserves. You occasionally immerse yourself in the dialog. Listening to the words and stories given, but not actively paying attention to the lessons and the guidance given. Choosing to almost bluntly disregard the blueprint provided. Determined to figure it out in Your distinct ways. Wanting to quizzitively challenge the words and premise because you believe that you have answers, however wrong and distorted they may be. Realistically knowing that all you really want to do is keep me talking and engaged in discussions with you. Leaving it to every day would be filled with endless hours to banter. It is the secret way to unlock the keys to your magical kingdom. Speaking with clarity and difference. Bluntly and, at times for You, overly critical, excites Your senses. There’s an innocently cute quality attached to your undeterred quest for information. There’s this split complex to you though. You’re not all words and intellect. You just treasure the emotional connectivity because that heightens the physical flames for You. Then there’s the social You. A more eccentric version of what I put on display when I chose to put my face in the world. All the same impressive.

As much as I want to distance You from me because I know what You could do, if I allowed it. My spirit and soul won’t let me pull away because it’s secretly what I crave. I scream in my head for this kind of magnetic pull. Knowing how far to push the other, while gaining valuable insight and information. The forces are irresistible. Never needed to clout or status, always because we fit into the waves of each other’s life smoothly and seamlessly. The problem that keeps tripping You is that You’re trying to reverse to progress and it’s not working well. You can’t keep trying to force old standards on new situations. It will only keep causing confusion and problems. Eventually, you can destroy the present because you kept looking too much to the past for the answers. If you want something new and different, You must do different. And Yes, I know this shit is toxic on soo many levels. LMFAO. Intentionally pushing each other’s buttons is extreme, but that’s the way we’re wired, and it works. Just don’t keep pushing it, I’m not very patient and I will lose my shit. LMFAO. Thirsting for knowledge is a mighty tool to possess. The discernment to know when to activate that tool and how hard to go when you use it, that’s the most powerful tool in the box.

Consumption with talking is going to get you hurt though. We don’t live life for words alone. We require actions to validate the words, or else it all becomes hollow. When you think you see yourself, how do you react? What are the thoughts you have and are you wondering if they can feel or read your thoughts, like you feel and read some of theirs? Life always be fuckin lifeing. I am always in awe of the way things happen when you least expect them to. When You just live authentically. Damn.. I love writing. I miss this shit. You never know what time period I’m writing from… Some shit to think about huh…???

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Heart Chronicles – Trash In Trash Out

One of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen is someone giving You trash and expecting You to give them top notch treatment. Can someone please tell me what fuckin planet does that make sense on? Too many men out here have this distorted view that because they’ve been fucked over, or taken advantage of, that when it’s time for them to “find” the next man, he must accept the trash like approach. Those of you who believe you make a shit load of excuses to explain away your trifling ass actions, need to be punched in the throat.

The notion that you can keep harkening back to the glory days of your past to entice the future to accept your present trash is really fuckin sick. Yet, real shit, people do this every day. And then they wonder why they keep ending up being left or when they try to explain to their friends why the shit went sideways, they’re getting bleached because the friends know you’re full of shit. Lying, making up scenarios, convincing yourself that you’re the victim. All the while, you’re the fuck nigga doing fuck nigga things. How can you justify leaving someone in their time of need, when you claim to want to be their rock and dependable lover? Where does it say in the imma legit nigga book that imma show up to seeing you looking like I just got outta fight, and You need to bring me to life? How you tell somebody “Imma take good care of you this weekend”, then say “all you gotta do is lay back and relax”, only to show up and not do a fuckin thing?

See if you know then.. well you know.. LOL. Never bring yourself into someone’s space and you can’t perform the way you talk. A big talker with little to no action, that’s like jackin off and really thinking that nut feels the same as nuttin down a warm throat or bussin a fat nut inside a nice, wet, warm, clean hole. LOL. I know.. I’m always taking it there. Yea, I am.. because I can and cus it’s me. But really thou.. how you introduce yourself as this lucid dream. Flexible and amenable to whatever the environment presents to you. Willing to open your soul and spirit to the dynamic influence that I provide. Only to cower in the face of the fire. When life stepped it’s pussy up on you.. your dick shriveled up and you tucked your head and showed how pussy you really are. Change your hair as much as you might, the truth that is you never changes. You are that scared, fake, lying, introverted man that you showed yourself to be every time. Needing the power, strength, electricity, and fire flowing from me to breathe life into your listless, basic, dingy, conservative life.

When pushed and manipulated to upgrade you, you reluctantly moved to make the most minimal improvements. When dared to go outside the small box, you aim high and always end in the valley. You never met the moment; constantly missing the mark. Wondering why you’re never reaching the ultimate goal, when all you have to do is look at yourself. What about how you’ve presented anything says that you deserve anything more? If we’re calling a spade a spade, you deserve far less. I blessed you with more than deserved from me. I let you see me thru my pain. I allowed you to peer into the window and all your sad, shallow, low caring ass could do was offer shallow consolations. I credit you for lending your ear and time though. I fucks with that because you showed an ounce of care then. But the bullshit is you’re now following in my footsteps. LMMFAO!!! Never a leader.. always a follower.

Trying to pawn your chosen one onto me. Realizing that You bit more of the apple than your throat could accept. Now, you find yourself treading water, barely keeping it together, close to drowning and you’re desperately looking for a way out. You thought you could a lil game this way and it was gone get your ticket punched. HA!! Slow, stupid ass boyy. Twinks get a lot of room over here, but not the way you come. Take some time to find out who You really are as a human. You’re an incomplete person attempting to take a developed person’s spirit and fuse it into yours. Promoting falsehoods about who you are. Using tales of what used to be and who You previously were, to entice men to invest in You. Knowing that you can’t invest that same capital into him. You will invest what you can, which is admirable and respectable. Always appreciated for what it is, and never disappointed for what it isn’t. My disappointment is that You lied so brazenly and openly about EVERYTHING! Like damn! You really have no shame about you at all. You did anything that You thought would work. Attempting to persuade me that the moves You made were for the betterment of Your young king and your life primarily. When as time has done what it does, shine the light down..LOL.. It showed me just how much of a fraud You were. Deceiving me into believing that you knew what you were doing. Only, I caught on to your game very early on.

You tried so hard to make Your story be one of suffering and isolation. Claiming that You were essentially black sheep’d by Your family. Moms did this and that; pops, he did all this horrendous shit too. Wondering how in the fuck did this nigga survive being away from home if these people fucked him up this bad? Giving room for that to be the case, while also realizing, there is definitely more to it than this. These people know he’s not ready yet. They know what he’s doing and some of them like it because it removes the diva and the bitch out the picture. But when they see how he’s going about it, they refuse to support this because they know he’s about to abuse someone to get himself right. What they didn’t know was that I’m not simple or ordinary. The sweet trap of a country boy wore off almost 20 years ago. All of the traps and musings don’t work. I allow them to have room and life because I want to entertain what I want to entertain.

Your angle was nice. It was different. You just had no possible way to deliver on the shit you sold. You were talking from a pre-damaged you. Parts of your mind and your spirit are still breathing from before the destruction. But it’s small and barely able to survive. It comes out to shoot one shot and if You don’t reel it in with that first shot, you miss and you can’t it back. That’s what your problem was. It was never going to be enough to just do it once. You were going to have to deliver Your game for a sustained period of time. If you can’t.. well, I guess Your time will end too. I saw the truth thru the young king. I told you I love kids because they don’t lie. Their actions, words, mannerisms, all of that will be determined by how they are handled. What is their environment and who are their influences. For you to tell me what you did and for me to get the reports I got, told me everything. Without you being the sole presence, he does amazingly well… according to You. Bu that day I saw one of the Snaps you sent, and I could sense he had been prepped on how to respond in the video. Bruh that’s some real cheap, trashy ass shit to do.

Using the kid to get what you want. How disgusting of you to do that. And how low of your family to allow you to use your family in that way. Now, you’ve switched up tactics on em. You found you one half-way cross the country. You can’t take your young king this time because that wayyy too far, and Your people know nothing about him. Because you didn’t tell anybody. See this is the nasty and trifling part of You. You can never not have someone because You don’t know how to fully operate in life. And you’re too scared to do it by yourself, so You’re going to find a man to do it for and with you. Dumping your baggage on him, instead of talking with him so he can decide if he wants to do this, and the best way to approach. You are the worst type of faggot. The one who lies and hides his stripes because he needs to be taken care of. Only to trap the person and strip their life down to build Yours up.

I had respect for you until you exposed the lies you made up to try and convince other that You had to made to his move. Because contrary to EVERYTHING that You told them, I was this monster. Who just became infatuated with sex during the visit. You obfuscated the part about the other shit swirling around. It didn’t fit Your narrative, so you had to omit it during your explanation. The problem with that is, You told them everything when it came to me. That’s why You said, “It’s always hard talking about things that involve You (ME)”. In the end, You were exactly what I thought you were and showed me to be exactly who I said You were. I told You that in order for to get what You wanted, You must show me that You are ready. And You always failed. My solemn wish is that you take time to stop running man to man and spend time investing deeply in You and the Young king you chose to raise. Blessing to you!

Love and respect Y’all

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Heart Chronicles – Disappointing Love

Sometimes the love that brings you together will be the love that brings you disappointment. In the arch of a love story there is always the reveal of true character that tests how much the foundation you built is sustainable. What really happens is the representative that you met and loved so much goes away and the true personality and actions of the individual began to apply to you too. Often times when someone is courting you and you court them, you put your best foot forward. The things you show that person differs from the things you show everyone else. And then the shoe drops. You begin to tell truths that will make smoother transitions and instead of them being honored as norms and customs, it begins the slow decline out of the honeymoon phase of that new love.

I never know how long that phase will last. Some say it lasts for months, others have said it can last a year, and yet there are still others who say it only lasts days. Wherever you fit on the pendulum, you know when it starts to feel different, and you have to adjust. The truth also is that’s when you have to have a conversation. In my opinion when you can see and feel the shift the worst thing that you can do is ignore it. Yes, you know that it always will happen, but knowing the why and when should help to ease into the transition better than just watching it happen and changing along with your partner just because you don’t want to be on the limb by yourself. Sadly, for me that time has come much sooner than I thought. It hit me from the blind side in a way I didn’t expect and the catch 22 on display was both hurtful and angering. I didn’t think that I would see the indifferent, immature, petulance that I saw and felt. And now I must follow my own guidance and speak on it.

I’ve never witnessed someone change so swiftly in front of my eyes before. I didn’t think that I would this man become so nonchalant and distant within the same night. How do you go from hugging and kissing and romancing, to moving me off you and removing your metaphorical presence from me, only to just be present in the flesh but not the soul and spirit like you usually are? As I went in and out of sleep I saw and felt something that was foreign to me and yet oddly familiar as well. I felt the change starting to happen and it infuriated me. Because what I now know is that thing dynamics are changing and things, I thought I didn’t need to concern myself with for a while, are now here and how much longer this journey lasts is anyone’s guess. It’s as if one forgets their own actions and the reactions they receive when similar events occur, and they want to feel their jilted feelings when they aren’t called for.

Waking up this morning I feel a sense of disbelief and anger that I haven’t felt in a while. I felt something that shouldn’t be there and my anxiousness to discuss the situation is eating at my patience that I really do not have much of. I want to know why it happened, what caused it and why was it felt to show your ass the way that you did. In learning your lover, you must understand their bitch levels. It is critical in understanding how you will handle certain situations. Talking and gaining insight into their thinking will only assist in maneuvering through this time period. And it can possibly aid in removing this unnecessary shift before it’s time, and giving you back to that effortless, but intentional love that you share. What to say and how to say it is so difficult to know. Waking up with these feelings is even worse. So as this morning progresses, I will figure out the way to address him directly, but with love. The point of this conversation isn’t to stoke further division, it’s to understand why and hopefully bring the closeness back and take away the disappointment.

Love and respect to all who read this.