Damn.. it’s been good lil minute since I revealed my heart. Let’s play catch up and Ian gone lie, this will take a while. There’s a lot that’s happened since I last truly sat down to spill my soul.

On a professional level, so much has changed. Some for the good, and some not so good. Taking it all in stride and figuring out the way through has been challenging, but ultimately, I think it will all be worth it, sooner than later. I took a promotion at the end of June and became a Technical Account Manager at the Practice Group level. What that means is I’m dealing. primarily, with high dollar spending clients. Also, with clients who are very knowledgeable about the software and specific business unit that I service.

There are definite advantages to being on a Practice Group team. There is a level of freedom and accountability attached that must be respected and maintained. You have to somewhat serve to the needs of your client, but the tradeoff is you get to have a level of autonomy that is enjoyable. There is a lot of bias that exists within this business unit. There isn’t a lot of true office variety. They don’t provide at work relief opportunities. They don’t provide any financial incentives for doing your job above and beyond. They don’t have a pay structure that rewards you for becoming a Practice level account manager.

There’s more to add but that’s coming in a latter post, more specific to just the work shit I’ve been dealing with.

Family-wise, life has been very difficult and challenging. I lost my aunt, my uncle, my sister’s momma, my cousin’s husband all since we last spoke. My family is still fractured from the actions of my aunts during the loss of their sister. The other truth is that my family still has old wounds that have existed since we were younger and they still have not been resolved. There is a lot of healing that needs to happen and I don’t know that it will happen any time soon. It’s a sad story to see such a powerful family torn apart because we can’t heal from our old wounds. Something that probably began during my grandma’s life and heightened after she died. That served as the split that seems to have permanently distanced our family from each other.

There have been efforts to mend the pain and at least bring some sort of family unity. Sadly, that hasn’t happened either. An attempt to bring us together blew up into petty and childish ass arguments. Just when I thought that we had a chance to better it turns out that we’re so fucked up. I hate it and it makes my heart hurt because I really thought and still think that can be a dynamic force if we can squad up and not remain so fuckin fractured. The sectionalism is pretty fucking crazy and I’m not sure what the solution is.. I truly hope we can find our way soon. It’s a family that’s in need of a lot of healing. Cousins, aunts, sisters, brothers, uncles and all. Good luck to those of us who really want to make this shit better. We’re in the minority and these strong-willed, stubborn women do not seem to be inclined to break the bullshit.

Personally, my life has been an interesting roller coaster. It seems no matter where I meet people, and what age they are, there’s this level of bullshit that exists and I think I’m either overreacting or I really am living ahead of or behind my time. I’ve come across some very interesting people and they all seem to revolve around the same bullshit. Niggas are good at giving the milk and not the cow. During my work trip to Texas, I met Terrence and he seemed like he would’ve been a good match if I lived in Dallas. However, as we continued to talk, I learned more about his personality and his beliefs. I understood that we weren’t really the chemistry connection that was physically on display when we met. Then there was MJ. He is from Detroit and again, early on the chemistry was pretty decent. We had good conversations and seemed to have a lot in common. Then the truth started to show and he came off as very crazy and weird. I think he isn’t used to dealing with someone who brings a realness to the situation that isn’t clouded in control or manipulation.

The ones who came after those two were largely forgettable and mostly on the same amount of bullshit as the rest of them. Good for a few good nuts, maybe an overnight visit or two and not much else. I tried to allow both Malcolm’s to show me how much they’ve grown and/or evolved in the years since I took them seriously. That showed itself to be much of the same shit. A lot of talking, but very little consistency and action. A desire to still think that there is a level of control or stature that they possess, when in reality they don’t. I think they definitely overstated their positions. They are good though for the occasional date and/or fuck. Sounds like a familiar pattern at this point right. There is Billy. I think he’s one that possess the potential to be more, but I also think there is a little fuck nigga sitting inside him that I’m not overly thrilled with. I feel like he needs to too prim and primed to get the best out of him. At the same time, I notice that he has some motion that I find interesting. I think it might be the best thing for me to think about spending more quality time with Billy to see just what he brings to the table.

That brings me to Pharrell. I met him in November, and life really took off quickly after that. We had this whirlwind set of life events happen that seemingly built a bond and foundation that could be the basis for something special. Yes, he is the definition of a YN and maybe that’s where all of this begins. Him being 19 and me being 41. That 22-year gap seems to be a larger impediment to him than to me. And for a lot of reasons, I can completely understand why it would be. very different spaces and times in life of where we are and where we’re going. To me though this is where the story starts to slide very left and the confusion, frustration, and manipulation resides. In so many conversations the theme is “I can’t explain it.” What is it that you can’t really explain. Is that that you’re truly captured by the gap in age and the opinions of the world about us? I know that I’m acutely aware that you look very young and you’re still young age wise. And me, while I don’t look 41, I still am and everyone will look at stare a little. Same time, why the fuck do you care. It didn’t seem to matter to you when we started fuckin. It didn’t seem to matter when you brought me around your family constantly. You could’ve made the choice to go do anything with anyone else. Why did you choose to stick around me?

There are signs and glimmers that he has a little more comfort with me. There is also signs and more motion that shows he’s found or is finding others that are closer to his age and probably relate more to him than I do. He is consistent in his belief that for now single and fun is the way to go for him. He references having some kind of trust issues and that’s not something that I can fix. That takes him dealing with those issues and also being willing to admit that everyone is not alike. No matter what anyone says, you can’t move to the next if you haven’t left the past alone. Having exes around isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, as long as there is a respect and a level drawn.

There is a lot of similarities between him at this age and me at the same age. I also see so many differences between us and that’s also normal and expected. There are different influences and life situations present between us, so it brings a different set of beliefs and values. One thing I’m very attentive to though, is the time we spend. While I’m okay with not rushing or forcing anything, I’m also not willing to be your play toy. Maybe I should really just be his friend. Much like I’ve done with Jaden. We’ve established a bond that does go beyond just the sex or the relationship. Honestly speaking though, part if it is tied to the fact I would want to be with him. For me that’s where I really have to do my own soul searching. Why am I so willing to be patient and wait for a young ass man who has a lot of life experience growth to have? What is it about him and this time of life that makes me want to be patient for him? Is it the right thing to do? The better question for me is, if I decide not to be patient. what’s the impact to our dynamic? The truth is a major one.

No matter what anyone tries to say, when you decide to put your time and interest in a person it sends and receives a different energy than when you casually fuck with someone. In a casual space, you’re more than welcome to be around and you’re more than welcome to share my space. However, you don’t get as much access or for nearly as long. I’m not in the let’s have shared fun mindset. I do that shit as a single man, on my own terms and my own way. Most of the niggas I wind up fucking around with aren’t the group fuck type either. They enjoy spending the time, having fun, quick fuck or enjoyable hours. Whatever we decide it’s ours to decide and not impeded upon. What that means for you is definitely less time here. I’m not going to suppress that just because you want your space from the place you currently reside. I can feel a shift in the energy just a little and I think that while I’m going to be a little sad to not share as much time and space with him, it will be for the best. I can clearly feel and tell there is a reluctance to fully embrace the dynamic that we’ve spent time building. I’m not sure how much longer continuing to hear I can’t explain it is going to work.

I do honor and realize that someone being so much older and younger than the other presents its own set of complications that maybe need more time to be addressed. The truth about that is I don’t plan to sit around and give you all this time to figure it out. You will need to do it and hope that when life circles back around, that the timing is right and I have the desire to circle back to finish the story. This is the price of what happens when someone decides they want to play the field right. You want to have the freedom to do whatever you, when you want and that’s your right. However, the trade-off is that you risk losing the depth of the relationship that you’re building. There is a level of focus that gets removed from you because you decide to live the life of discovery. And listen, I applaud the desire to have the freedom and independence of learning yourself and what you like. We all need that time and energy to do it the way that we see fit. What you don’t have is a monopoly or right to have someone waiting on or for you. If I choose to give time for the development, then that’s on me.. Once I decide to move around, that’s when the end starts to come.

Now the question of timing is what I’m trying to decide. When do I say enough is enough? When do I want to say that I can’t deal with the excuse of I can’t explain it anymore? Someone who sits and wants to control the narrative so they can ensure they have the transportation they need, which is what this seems to be, will only last for so long. How does this end? I’m not really sure just yet. I do feel like the month of April will be a very pivotal month. That’s where all the actions will come from. Birthday’s, trips, concert. It seems the instant bond and romance that began a few months ago is slowly starting to unwind itself. When will the chapter close, I’m not sure yet. I do think that’s gonna happen soon. I think and feel like there is a new situation developing and I must accept that my role is going to change. It’s not gonna be as exclusive or as enjoyable. I know what I know that’s the hard part. The lies on who you let fuck and what it takes. The lies on the pause on sex, when I find condoms in your pants when washing your clothes. There is enough out there to say that what you’ve been giving isn’t quite the full truth.

I want to know why should I keep allowing myself to focus on you? If I ask you, I know you’re gonna tell me that I shouldn’t and you’re definitely prioritizing the have fun and be free parts of life right now. I understand and respect your decision because it’s always been yours to make. At the same time, I can’t say that I’m disappointed. It’s really crazy that I have these thoughts and feelings about someone who is so much younger than me. I think that part of it comes from truly falling for someone just because of who they are. I didn’t care what you had and what you don’t have. I didn’t care about any of the semantics that make up the ignorant shit that people use for not associating with people. I really was just focused on the person. Who you are and what you bring to the situation. The thing that I’m trying to figure out with you is why are you so hesitant to allow yourself to get caught up in the energy that’s created. Let’s tell the truth about the situation too.. We chose to give the energy to each other, and then you decided that you couldn’t. I truthfully would like to understand why. We’ve had a few conversations and there is never a moment where you give me an answer of understanding.

Do we have to keep having these awkward days, nights and moments? The ability to talk to others with energy and life and clarity. But when we do talk, there is an inconsistency that shows itself and I can’t really understand it. Maybe I truly have come to the point and place where I’m not being chosen again. 10 years ago this happened. And the craziest shit is it happened with another Aries. My kryptonite again it seems. My sign is the best and the worst. We can make great magic and we can also create great fire and disharmony. As this story continues its journey, I can only hope that the way it began with peace and joy is the same way the transition happens. With peace and joy. It’s not going to be the easiest or most enjoyable part of this story, it is though going to be necessary. I think he’s doing the job of pushing me away from him on his own. There is and will be other niggas that get his attention. There is and will be others who look better, have more, and will do more with him on a level that he connects with better than you. Take it for what it is. Enjoy it for what it is and allow the journey of life to take its course. You’re known and talked about. You’ve been discussed probably more than you know. You also know that you are not the prize or the choice this time. You are part of the story that you need to find your place for you in.