Month: November 2024

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle

Life Chronicles – The Mirror

I always pride myself on challenging myself to be the most honest and authentic version of me every day. I never say that I’m going to be the nicest or most respectful or understanding. Some days I’m not gonna be any of those things, some days I’ll be all of those things, and other days some combination of them. I always work to make sure I check myself daily. I constantly have talks about who I am, what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and who I’m doing it for. The struggle for me, sometimes, is trying to figure out the why, and the who. I get triggered when I think about the saying you are what you attract. I don’t know that I fully believe that statement. And then other times I believe it’s deftly accurate. Could that be the reason that I tend to have the types of men in my life that I do? Then I start thinking about the type of men in my life and I’m confused again. Because the men of my life are varied in style, personality, looks, and approach to life. There are lazy ass niggas who come around, trifling ass niggas who come around, college-educated niggas who come around, street niggas who come around, college-age niggas who come around, sports niggas who come around, gaming niggas who come around, chill niggas who come around, freak niggas who come around, and basic ass niggas who come around. Can I really be all these people?

Or is it something more tangible than just you are the company you keep? Is it more concrete than you are what you attract? I attract faithful, loyal ass niggas. I also attract weak ass fuck niggas, and all talk no action niggas. Am I really these different types of niggas too? I guess, depending on who you ask, on any given day I am. I think that’s why when I look in the mirror, I’m always conflicted about who I am. The masculine, naturally dominant man who likes things to flow according to me. The masculine, chill man who is indifferent to people, who allows the moment to meet my needs. The man, no classification of me. Living genuinely as the day presents itself. The vibe and aura of the music heavily influencing the energy I give off that day. The mixture of masculine and feminine energy. One where I set my boundaries for the day, allowing people to test their limits of engagement with me. The submissive guy who wants someone to come after me. Be outgoing and not always so laid back. Life isn’t just a one-way hunt. Both people need to feel wanted and liked for the dynamics to work.

The truth is I wanna show any and all of me off in a given day and I want someone versatile and diverse enough to appreciate it and be able to handle it. Who shows interest in me and I show the same in return. At times it’s the first part missing that causes questions and uncertainty. It’s the dismissive conversation we have or the energy I receive when we talk or get face to face. Understanding that I may not be aware of the shit going on with you or in your mind. I can only speak from my perspective. If you choose to keep your mouth shut, you can’t say anything to me. You say can why didn’t I speak or say something? The same will be true for you. Especially if you’re the one who has the problem. Realizing that constantly communicating can also be a sign of insecurity, as much as it’s a sign of genuine interest and intrigue. How do I balance all this? The itch for constant mental stimulation. The want for consistent emotional stimulation. The need for consistent sexual satisfaction. And a desire to not have to start it off all the time. The desire to not feel time-limited or suffocated. I want your time and your energy, but I don’t want you physically here all the time to give it to me… or do I?

The question that’s been asked to me who fuckin know how much in my life, and especially the past month or so. As the more healed, recovered, me shows himself, there have been renewed questions about my single status. Always consistent in my answer, niggas here ain’t shit and don’t know what they want. Truth is that partially correct. Now, let’s add I just don’t have time for niggas who with nothing to bring to the table. Get some depth and substance to you. Show me more than just your delicious body, your big ass dick, or your pretty plump ass. Yes, lil booties matter, and even lil booties is plump if the proportions right. Let me know that there’s depth to you. That we can do more than just be a nice fuckuationship or imaginary friends with benefits, because the truth is all we are is fuck buddies who take time to talk because we enjoy the comforts of each other, temporarily. I love that, don’t get me wrong. Sex is such a strong, passionate force in my life. Similarly, I want more. I want someone to be able to fuck all the time. Top or bottom action, on sum real shit, probably both. LMFAO. Someone to actually share my day with. Not like having to live in my house or physically be here, but to talk with about my day and theirs.

That’s where I look at myself again and say, don’t you keep it transactional with people until they prove themselves to be life including worthy. You can’t operate in this fashion and then not allow others to do the same. Because you know how to filter through the bullshit more efficiently than them, doesn’t give you the right to push them to your timeline. That’s where part of your evolution, being more patient, is being tested. When you give someone details on how they’re not showing up for you, you must have the patience to let them show you they do. That doesn’t happen overnight. And for me, that means getting impatient and finding a second or third option, because I’m still single and there’s been no conversation or comments made that we exclusive so we both can keep doing what we want. However, energy starts to be given that the desire is to just fuck with each other. Why should I do that when you’re not fully meeting my needs? There is always the balance between I want you for sex and I want you for more than sex. Maybe I want you around and it’s nothing to do with sex, it’s just the person you are that I need in my life.

The balance between willingly being helpful and that being abused because of how you see life. The uncertainty of: are they there because you’re willingly helping with life challenging shit. There really will be no way to know until you aren’t needed for anything but wanted for everything. There is a gigantic ass difference and knowing when you are chosen because of who you are and not for what you bring is a calm and confidence that can’t fully be explained. That’s why so many people refuse to date down. They date equal and up. Which makes sense because it provides a sense of security that someone isn’t solely interested in what you can give, but more on what you bring to the situation. These are the things I wrestle with all the time. The mirror can be a beautiful reflection or a tortured reminder.

Tell me about your mirror.

Leave a comment Posted on dating, lifestyle

Heart Chronicles – Fuck Nigga or Loyal Nigga

I know if you read that title off rip, you thinking what the fuck is this post even needed for? That would be ignorant of you and shortsighted too. It would also tell me that you really don’t know shit about me…LOL. You know I like to tease you with one thought and hit you with the true meaning behind the title. Let’s have this conversation for a minute because thinking about experiences and this is a very fair perspective to dig into.

When we think about some niggas today who are inconsistent with communication and appear to awkwardly or uncomfortably express and show their liking for you, we sometimes call them fuck niggas. Because they appear to be around to manipulate into being favorable to them and what they want. The pattern shows that when they’re most timely with their communication, is when there’s something to gain. Whether it be a free ride somewhere, money for their survival, or sex for the pleasuring of both of y’all. In this sense, you could easily say he a fuck nigga, because you don’t get most of his attention until he needs you for something. But that could also be part of the loyalty he’s showing you. No, it’s not the style or preferred way you want to communicate, but it’s actually very consistent in the way he approaches you. Then you can arguably say he’s a loyal nigga. He comes to you for the necessities of his life. Food to eat, things to buy that ensure he can have good hygiene, and to get him to important places he needs that aid his lifestyle and that fund it too.

Dig deeper into the puzzle, the truth is within every day y’all talk. There is always consistent checkin-in and following-up. You have a sense of what’s going on with each other. The reality is you’re intimately woven into his life now. Whether it’s to get weed, or to the store for a party he’s throwing, to getting food to eat, to eating cooked meals together, to being there while you work, and you, being present for his all-day panels he sits on. Within all that making time to talk to you, joke with you, sing for you, laugh with you, and spend true quality time together. Masked under the guise of life necessities is the building of something strong and stable. Seeing each other at different times of day and week. During the day, in the middle of the afternoon, evening time, nighttime, and late night. Truth is he’s been more open and transparent with his life than you have. In many respects, he sees that as a necessity for him to earn his way into your trust. Because you always come to the table with your chest wide open. People understanding who you are and why you are, but not the guts of you… the how.

Maybe that’s part of the dance that you have to do. Expressing to each other in specific terms who you are and how you move. Making sure that y’all understand the moves each other makes. The beautiful part of a dance with a stranger is that the awkwardness has to turn into beauty if you’re going to make the dance work. You have to learn each other’s tendencies. You have to understand what makes each other mad, happy, sad, all the shit that it takes to form something real. You can’t rush or push it; you must allow it to naturally happen. When the moments happen that make you feel a way, talk about that shit. Get understanding for each other. Learn about what makes him live as he does. Find out his back story. He will listen to you and learn about what makes you who you are. Again, hidden in the fuck nigga tendencies are real nigga traits. You can’t say you want someone real, honest, and open, then when you get that, you run because it’s being done the way you want it to. That’s being a hypocrite.

When he knows he’s wrong, he owns that shit. No fuckin around or dismissive conversations, he understands when he hurts your feelings, and he always makes sure to correct the action. He knows now how to avoid unnecessary tension with you, but because he’s toxic as fuck, he wants some of that tension. It lets him see the nigga inside you. It lets him understand that you won’t allow him to walk over you and just do whatever he wants. It makes him come down from the horse that gay society has put him on. That’s where the fuck nigga part of him comes in, somewhat. He’s the eye candy that almost every gay nigga out here gawks at. He knows he’s the center of attention. He’s a cool thug, a pretty masculine nigga, a charming hellraiser. The juxtaposition of all those analogies isn’t lost on me. All of them are true about him. The constant chess match. Never really knowing the temperature of the room until the moment comes. Adjust constantly to it and given grace to do so. The flip side of that is he also is a sex symbol. He advertises his body and his big ass dick. He knows what attention it brings, and the fact he can sing, rap, discuss, wrestle, run track, and has a generally dope ass personality, makes him all the more popular.

He’s been a street nigga since he was a teenager. Learning and living the street life at a young age. Seeing family get murdered also took a heavy hit on him. When your little brother gets taken out so young, how can you not have hatred in your heart and venom in your eyes? So, you do whateva you have to for your survival, even after the environment around you changes. It’s the order of the details of the story being told that you have to determine. Whatever it is though, you’re learning about the man and seeing where his fuck nigga traits come from. Add into the mix part of his survival includes associating with the punk/faggot scene in Atlanta. He’s part of those videos you see on socials when the gays be fighting at the club. He’s heavily involved in the mess and knows a lot about the people involved too. Then here comes the loyalty to you though, he always keeps you away from it. Never allowing too much of your conversation to be heard. But giving people enough of you to know that you’re the new something.

Then you have the light skin nigga that really don’t give a fuck about the perception people have of him. He’s a street nigga too. Not afraid of jail or tricks or anything that comes with that life. He’s someone that nobody would ever think of associating with you. Which means they ignore the basic principles of your life. Book covers never matter. He’s your typical cute, hood, light skin nigga. Not focused on the flash and pop of life. He likes the gutter better. Less attention on him and he does what he wants, how he wants to do it. He’s very toxic because he can be. Gay niggas love a manish nigga, especially when they light skin. His sex is good and when y’all around it’s definitely a good time. But he’s like you, he don’t really like people either. So, you don’t have consistent communication or even the most friendly, LMFAO. But, when it’s time, communication is very easy and simple. Until it’s not.

When he switches up and starts showing fuck nigga behavior, the flaking and disappearing after making plans, that’s when you have to move sideways with him too. Until the loyalty part shows up again. Remember y’all always find each other when you want to, and once you do it’s easy fireworks. This time around the energy is very different. Both of y’all remember the chemistry you share and the conversations you’ve had. Not ashamed of or embarrassed by your pasts. Y’all embrace it and make life-lasting bonds because of them. Here we go again, you have to now consider all the shit y’all talked about and the time y’all spend reuniting and shit versus the fuck nigga he showing himself to be now. Here’s another nigga willing to take accountability thou for his actions. So let’s ask the question again. Is this a fuck nigga or a loyal nigga? Always a top, his way of making up for his shit was to bottom for you. Shocked and awed by the moment. Definitely happy you got it. Now you wonder is there more to this? Is it that he’s always been verse and just never felt you deserved it until now? Is he a Verse top that found someone he wants to and feels comfortable enough to give them cheeks to? Time will give you the answers as it always does, you have to be willing to let it do so.

What about the unintentional fuck nigga. One who does all the right things on the surface. Consistently communicates and takes deep interest in your life and what’s going on in it. Always willing to be there and is available for you. At the same time, when those efforts aren’t rewarded with daddy thick dick, there’s this meltdown that seems to happen. A disappointment that causes the whole dynamic to shift. The communication becomes less personal and more basic. The energy decreases and the attention is limited. All being done because he didn’t get what he wanted when he wanted it. How is that not the definition of a fuck boy too? There isn’t just one way or one type of fuck nigga. Fuck niggas come in all shapes, sizes, types, and styles. A brown skin, socially awkward, socially aware, handsome, workout warrior is very capable of being a fuck nigga too. Then consider the loyal nigga traits shown too.

You have history that already confirms both are true of him. He has given you some fuck nigga traits with his stubbornness and refusal to change some behaviors that don’t promote the we but I model of dealing with people. That theme has been consistently present, mixed in with that has been the consistency of the communication and quality of care and attention given to you. Never being willing to settle for being out of your life. Always wanting to have that connection to you and affection for you. Wanting to show you the evolution occurring within him and how that could substantively benefit you. You’ve cooked meals together, showered together, laughed together, had dinner together, and sat quietly together. There is never a denial of the loyal nigga in him, but again I ask if you’re unwilling to make changes with things that matter, aren’t you also a fuck nigga too?

Then there’s the person who knows they a fuck nigga but for you they tryna be a loyal nigga. How do those two things ever resolve themselves favorably? The only way that you will be able to convince me that I should deal with you is to show me that you aren’t a fuck nigga. Let’s examine that too. You don’t listen, you don’t respond well to criticism. You’re too self-serving and you lack action. The fuck nigga who thinks they can talk their way through everything is hilarious to me. I could care less how good you look, how big of a bag you got, or anything else. The number one thing for me is you can’t talk one game and your actions playing a whole different game. Then that means I can’t take you seriously. Some people are shy, I understand that, but that’s an excuse. If you’re open enough to talk, then be just as open to showing what you talking. Otherwise, it’s best to leave me the fuck alone.

That’s a toxic fuck nigga because to have the capacity to have a full, coherent conversation about the shit and to keep doing the same thing is a fuck nigga in all its glory. LOL. To be forced into a recalibration of your dynamic and you still come out with the same fuck nigga actions is really weird. And that’s when we ask is he a loyal nigga? Even through all these warts, the nigga is consistent in his outreach to you. When you drop his ass for a few weeks, he takes the L, knowing he fucked up, and then reappears. Attempting foolishly to talk you into believing that he’s had some epiphany, and his life now has new meaning and understanding. He has a new drive to take more ownership over what and who is in his life. You know, the standard, typical fuck nigga line all these simp ass niggas give when they know a nigga is truly tired of the fuckery that comes with them. Credit given though, because he keeps trying. He keeps “working” on himself to present a version of himself that will appease you. Trying to more consistently display traits that you will approve of. Trais that will endear him to you and make you wanna consider the more loyal side of him than the fuck nigga side.

I’m not sure how I wind up dealing with people whose personalities split so easily in opposite ways. Different types of people and completely different personalities. I guess it fits with me because I’m sure some will say I display both fuck nigga and loyal nigga tendencies too. LOL.

Leave a comment Posted on current events, Politics

Life Chronicles – America’s Misogyny Problem

I’ve digested my feelings for this past week. Again, I watched as America decided it will not elect a qualified woman to be President of this racist, patriarchal, White male-led country. The White women chose to vote with their race instead of their issues. The Latin community, mostly men, sided with a dictator, over their issues. Black men decided they would stay home and protest vote, while others decided to vote for a bigoted, racist who has never supported the community in the way it asks a Black woman to do. I’ve been reading, listening, and watching all the typical people come out and bullshit the nation about how out of touch the Democratic party is with blue collar workers. That’s the biggest fuckin lie in politics. They’re very in touch. Look at the policies of the current administration. Unemployment rate at 4%, good for all, especially Blacks. Student loan debt being cancelled and reduced. Paid Family leave being made law and required for all companies to offer. Persistent push to raise minimum wage, at all levels, to at least $15/hr. That raises the floor that all people get paid. That allows for people to make a wage that is more living life worthy.

Make sure LGBTQ+ people have equal rights and protections under the law. Providing quality healthcare access to more than 50 million people, who couldn’t get covered. And lowering costs for the hundreds of millions of others who have private insurance. Wow, they really must be out of touch. All you ignorant ass motha fuckas who sit out here and bitch about how things are, but you don’t vote and when you do, your dumb ass wastes your vote on people who will never win, or on a candidate who won’t do a fucking thing to help your life. Did your dumb asses forget what America was like under Trump pre-Covid. The economy was tanking. The stock market was high, but the job market was suffering. The economy lost millions of jobs under Trump before Covid. Oh, and for you ignorant ass people who think it was Trump who was responsible for the Covid payments, let me be the last and next to educate your stupid ass.

Congress is responsible for ALL financial laws and bills that become law. You got the money because of a Democratic-led House of Representatives, under the leadership of Speaker of the House, Nanci Pelosi. Oh, that’s right a WOMAN, you stupid bitches. She and her colleagues felt that all y’all ignorant Americans needed a check to make it easier for you to live in a shutdown economy. In fact, they wanted to give you MORE money. They wanted to give you between $2500-$3500 a month, for three to six months. Do you know who rejected that idea and stalled progress on it until the amount came down to the $1200 checks you got… DONALD TRUMP and the REPUBLICANS. So, for all the stupid people that voted for Trump because of the stimmi check, dumb bitch you didn’t get the check because of him, you got the check in spite of him. And more could’ve been had if he had been willing to agree to it.

Now that we’ve established that, let’s really unpack what happened. America is still a racist nation, founded for and catering to the whims of White men, and now, old ass, nasty White men. They flexed all their muscle this week and it showed with the White women, who for the past 4 years, have been trending away from Trump, but chose to support him at a 57% clip. We will have to find the perfect woman candidate to run and win. Let’s be honest, she will probably have to be a Republican, and the chances of a woman Republican candidate getting the nomination for President is as likely as me becoming President. Notice that in multiple Presidential nominating contests, Republicans have fielded qualified women candidates who were defeated handily, by the Orange blob. Democrats were able to nominate two candidates and both times America said they weren’t going to support her. In a country where 157+ million people voted in 2020, we’ve had 18+ million fewer people vote this year. And most of them were Democrats. Now explain that to me. And don’t say the economy because I’ve already given you the data that shows you’re better off.

And yes, Imma regular nigga who knows the price of everything is high as fuck. I also understand a President saying he wants to impose 20% tariffs is only going to cause the price of shit to go through the fuckin rough. But you dumb assholes think because he plays a successful businessman on tv that he’s going to fix shit. Now his administration is going to ride the economic and fiscal policies of the current administration for their first year or so in office and take credit. All those jobs that are about to start because of the Infrastructure bill that passed under this Congress and administration, his people are gonna try and take credit for that. And you stupid-ass simpletons are going to let him. When the truth is they will be because of Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and the Democrats in the House of Representatives that got that legislation through Congress. What is it about this nation that when faced with the opportunity to continue growth and prosperity, you always choose regression, racism, misogyny, and divisiveness? I’ve only seen this country choose togetherness, in the modern era, once. The elections of Barack Obama as our 44th President. And because he didn’t give Black people, especially men, everything they wanted, they’ve vilified him every since.

We do not live in a country of balance and equality. We have always lived in a country of tolerance. The White ruling class tolerates Black prominence to an extent. When they feel it’s reached too far into their comfort, they will pull it back and remind folks of why America is never the greatest nation in the world. But adding to that, niggas, y’all are the biggest part of the problem. We constitute enough of a population block in this country that if we truly voted as a community 85% of the time in elections, do you know how many times the candidates that supported our initiatives and causes would have been elected. Can you imagine how different the country would be if we, Black people, took our vote as seriously as our ancestors who marched, bled, cried, and died for us to have this right? Yet, we choose to create some bullshit reasons, fake ass obstacles, and ignorant ass rationales why we have to sit out or support the racist over someone who truly is trying to improve the situation.

Now let me also not be ignorant or blind. I understand that Democrats haven’t done the best job at delivering on their promises at any point in this American experiment. When the political winds have been present, they’ve always chosen a pragmatic approach that attempts to isolate none and fully satisfy none as well. That definitely hurts their case when presented to people. The reason that the Republicans rarely suffer that fate, is because they don’t expand their tent truthfully. They open the backdoor for people who will latch on to one or two of their policies that fit their beliefs and ignore the 15 others that are contradictory to their daily life survival. We continue to live in this prism of oppression and repression. Allowing nigga turncoats like Candice Owens and Ray J and others to perpetuate the hate and divisiveness coming from the racists and bigots for their gain. If you want the real answers to what happened. White people became uncomfortable with Joe Biden because he’s too fucking old. Kamala Harris was the only candidate who could use the Presidential fundraising dollars amassed by the Biden Harris team. American people said they couldn’t vote for him, and they wouldn’t vote for her. Trump knew it and so did his people.

And let’s also be clear. I don’t want a single fucking media member, talking head, political advisor or anyone else coming to the Black community and asking or begging for us to do shit. Similarly, if you’re one of the ignorant niggas who voted for Trump or didn’t vote at all because you’re dumb as fuck, shut the fuck up! I don’t wanna hear your complaints, grips, or bitching. You are the reason that we’re all having to endure another 4 years of this ignorant shit. Fuck all you who thought that this was the best course of action. America will always be for the White man. The bigoted, racist, misogynistic, prejudiced White man.