Periodically I find myself caught by the emotions that strongly push through my body. Lately, I’ve been dealing with a mixture of sadness, disappointment, loneliness, and emptiness. Compound those feelings with being bipolar, and it’s pretty easy to slip into a depressive state. Which is kinda where I’ve found myself this past week. There hasn’t been anything significant that happened to push me into this space. Just my thoughts, and feelings mixing. The same manic episodes I have when I get angry are the same episodes I have when I get depressed. The difference this time is when I get the depression manic episodes, they don’t ease up as quickly. This week has been challenging. I miss my grams; I feel like my circle is fleeting and I don’t really feel appreciated. Too often I feel like it’s all about what I can do for someone and very rarely is it about the family bond, love, and togetherness that I intentionally work on cultivating.

Calling my momma this week just to check in and talk, turned into a panic about what’s wrong. The return phone call never came, though, once she knew nothing was wrong, I just called to talk to her. The same thing happened with my son the next day. Calling to check up and check in. Needing to handle business, and the day still being relatively early, I told him to handle it and call me back. Three days later, still no callback. But if the world was on fire, or their lives needed a resolution, I’m gonna be called immediately. The same is true for my niece. I do my best to keep consistent contact with her, often times responses take days to come. But, like most niggas, let it be some money involved and those come back-to-back. Eagerly awaiting a favorable reply, and when it comes the response is equally swift. Let it be a conversation to catch up, those are far between. Add to that, my “big bro”. Always willing to sit in the group chat and wax about the bullshit of togetherness and brotherhood. Yet, numerous times, he failed to follow through on his word with me. Another one of my brother-in-arms talked with me recently and made the comment that he hoped the group reciprocated the energy I give to it. I never affirmed him in that response. It’s no secret that most of the niggas in the group are full of hot, stanky air. No real truth coming from them. Just plaudits to make themselves sound and look good in the eyes of the group.

I never live for the accolades from people. I do appreciate the acknowledgment of and appreciation for my realness and open compassion for others. When it doesn’t happen, or it feels like it lacks authenticity it bothers me. Yes, I can say to anyone you don’t appreciate me. The response will always be yes, I do, how can you say that? You don’t know what I feel. And that answer is always one thousand percent correct. My response though, is also true; the actions and energy coming from you don’t make me feel that you do. And that’s where the stalemate enters. As more time passes and life continues to draw shorter, I take time to evaluate who does what to and with me. Who reaches out without me always having to speak first. Who takes time to have conversations with me and catch up on life. Who just uses me for one of the many talents that I possess. I even had someone attempt to blame me for their life being fucked up. Because they aim to please people, and they lose track of themselves in the process. The fact that he attempted the same process for learning about me, caused him to have the same effect as when he went after others. Now the issue is, I never ever asked for, or told him to do anything. I was amused at the attempt, but I was pissed off at the brazen ignorance. You try to make people fall for you by sticking around them all the time. Being clingy as a bitch and getting upset when you’re rejected for the clinginess. Even still, I never rejected him. I explained that I don’t want or need anyone trying to be in my space every day. Especially someone new to me. Allow time and life to allow us to learn and understand each other.

All of these different interactions stick out to me. Last week a friend had the nuts to ask for tickets to the Nicki Manage concert as a birthday present. Nigga we not that close, and even so, I don’t buy shit like that for my friends who haven’t been substantive friends in my life. Another friend who is as sweet as a piece of red velvet cake but has the consistency of an absent parent. Birthday time and you want to have an event, but you don’t communicate and always have an excuse as to why you can’t do something. Why are so many different types of people, displaying the exact same type of behavior? It defies most of the logic that some use to try and explain people. The old saying “birds of a feather flock together.” While there is validity in the statement, it’s an overgeneralization that needs context provided. In all the examples I cited, none of these people would be considered the same. Some women, some men. Some straight, some gay. Yet the behaviors are the same.

My homegirl who claims she wanted to have a smoke session months ago, never opens her mouth about it. Yet, we spend plenty time keying together. Everything is always left up to me. Everything is always dictated by what I say or don’t say. What I do or don’t do. And to some degree, that’s a large amount of responsibility. On the other hand, it’s very challenging, because I don’t want to always have to make the first move. Ask the first question. Does anyone have the true concept of what friendship, and companionship is? It’s not built on the back of one person. It takes both people to actively be engaged with each other. I think that’s been part of my problem lately. With every relationship in my life. Biological family, friends, chosen family, and colleagues, everyone just seems to sit back and wait on me to do everything. No one reaches out just to see how I am. Just to talk and catch up on life. Or if they do, it’s always about what I can do for them. Not if they can do something for me, or to see about me. It becomes a hurtful place after a while because being a leader doesn’t mean that you don’t want to be seen about.

That’s where I miss my angel most. Even though she would get fucked up trying to call me, because she would always get confused dialing my number, she tried. She would even get to the point of calling 411 and the operator would call my phone for her. LOL. I love that woman for that so much. She never let anything stand in her way of getting to her grandson. Anytime we talked she always made sure to make the beginning of the conversation about me. Wanting to know what’s going on in my life. All facets of my life and not because she wanted to know so she could run and tell it, but so she could be sure that I was well. I miss having that consistently present in my life. While there are a couple of people who try to incorporate elements of that, they miss the mark on consistency and tone. I always appreciate their efforts though, because they don’t have to do it at all. I’ve tried to listen to her when she told me don’t accept any wooden nickels or cardboard dimes. LMFAO. Meaning, don’t accept the fake shit that people sell you. Often when I don’t listen to those words is when the fuck shit happens.

She always brought the right amount of balance needed for me to offset the constant demands on me and the limited appreciation shown for my time and effort. It’s hard to hear from people that they don’t know what they would do if I wasn’t here. Or that I can’t die anytime soon because they don’t know how they would get through. When they do nothing to really appreciate me while I’m here. I guess it’s the reason so many people feel like they’re alone, even though their reach is wide and arching. When the substance you emit isn’t sufficiently returned, your levels deplete, and you have to find the recharge alone. I appreciate anyone who tries or has tried to offer themselves as a resource. I also am underwhelmed and often unfulfilled because the well is usually very low and inconsistently available.

All the changes that occurred in my life during the time she lived, she was always there for me. There for me no matter what I wanted to talk about or how I felt when we talked about shit. Even that one time we had a lil argument because I bucked back at her. She was unnecessarily aggressive and didn’t want to understand that I was not driving when I came home. Which meant I couldn’t come to see her as frequently as she was used to during my Thanksgiving vacation visit. She cussed me out while I was walking to the store to get my groceries for the week. And given that I was tired, hot, and walking, I couldn’t keep myself from returning the fire. She hung up the phone and called my momma. My momma called me, and I explained the situation to her. I gave her a day or two to think and calm down, then I called my grams back. She actually seemed happy that I stood up to her and held my ground when she tried to push back on me. We never spoke about it again and our relationship never wavered. We talked every week like clockwork.

My heart was severely damaged when my grandma passed away 5 years ago. My momma is still recovering, and I see the pain still in her eyes. My family was already dysfunctional before she passed, but we’ve taken it to new levels since she’s been gone. I’m the Swiss army knife of the family. I can navigate between everyone. I live outta state and I’m never in the middle of the drama because I don’t give a fuck. I miss being able to talk to everyone as a group. Not having to text one then the other, to get the others. Family traumas that have never been discussed and resolved. New family beef that seems to have no resolution in sight. Everyone struggling to carve their piece of ownership and leadership out of the pie. Forgetting that what makes this family so dynamic is the strength of the numbers we possess. We are smaller in packs because a family of 5 doesn’t carry the same weight as a family of 65. She was always able to make the family of 5 turn into 65, and that’s missing.

How do you continue to be the glue for everyone, when you have little glue for yourself. It’s the question that I ask more than a little bit. It’s one that I don’t know if I will ever find the answer to. Niggas don’t know how to be the glue. Too many are fucked up themselves and stuck on themselves. Others are figuring shit out like you are, they just lack the mental strength and foresight that you routinely call upon. Others are developing and aren’t ready to be consistent with their glue. Making mistakes is part of life. It happening publicly and embarrassingly isn’t always part of the plan, but it’s part of life. You definitely find out who really fucks with you and who was just along for the ride, long as the shit was clean. I appreciate anyone who knew or saw the wreck and decided to stand with me, not over me. Those who never knew but felt the pain and still rocked with me, I appreciate just as much. My angel, I wish you were here to talk to me. Laugh, joke, cry, encourage, support, love, care for me.