Bro… it took reminding from my fiercest supporter that uniqueness isn’t always understood. Being different and determined is challenging. The world accepts U, generally, but the circle around U may not always rock wit U. Sometimes the person U think that would appreciate U, because U were always encouraged to be authentically U. Never compromise Urself for the sake of anyone else. With the passion and fervor that you apply to ur life, there should never be a surprise by those closest to you that Ure always going to live in a space separate from the masses. Always willing to evolve Urself and let the world see that Ure proud of who U are. Sadly, on this leg of the journey, she may not be as understanding or appreciative of who U are. It saddened me when I displayed another version of who I am, one that’s not new, just an upgraded, developed, evolved version of U.

To know me is to know that I have always embraced ALL of who I am. I made a promise to myself that as I recovered from this latest public embarrassment, that I would never allow myself to compromise who I am for ANYBODY. It doesn’t matter if you’re my blood or my chosen. ANYONE who didn’t accept who I am, in ALL my forms and might, can’t be around me. No love lost, no ill feelings, we just don’t have much to say. Applying this theory across the board to ALL. Giving little, if no exceptions to the situation. Well, now I’m conflicted because if I’m true to myself and those principles, the biggest and most determined supporter I’ve ever had, has to go back to a place of less access. I know many will read this and say WTF U mean nigga? Because this one thing that U do doesn’t land with the soft landing that U expected, U back away? WTF are U thinking? That is the definition of hypocrisy. U can never be this serious right? Unless Ure right, the reaction comes because this is not new. It’s not something that U just started doing now. This era of U existed before U left. U were happy, thriving, growing, developing, evolving, becoming loving. The ones who don’t know or never experienced don’t know how to handle it. The world has watched a disgraceful fall, become a remarkable, dynamic comeback. She’s had a front row seat to it ALL. She’s seen U in all the versions of U that exist. This one was displayed when U wore Ur pearls and fashionably stole the room.

He came to play for the wedding. I mean did she not see the style, pop, shine, glow that U had when U arrived in that bad ass fit? The room knew U had arrived, and nigga U stole the whole show. It was amazing, right…? Ur son, and by extension, U, got the shine for the weekend. Gettin and giving love to the whole room. An impartial observer, whose purpose to show love and respect. Love on the people, hear them out, provide my support and go back home. Knowing that I had secured an understanding for the issues. Also knowing that U really aren’t at the center of anything, because I listened, confirmed, and assured that was to be the case. Someone, who for 21 years has watched U become such a dynamic man. Not always seeing the earliest versions out of respect and a full lack of understanding of who U were, but happily able to let her see U once U found out who U really are. The urgency and disappointment she called to discuss what U did was simply astonishing. I’ve never heard such a concerned tone to Ur voice in who knows how many years. Now U already think that I’m showing out. And this next step was too far for U. Now Ure worried that I may be going too far. Are U really questioning whether I know what I’m doing? Are U really wanting me to stop fully being who I am. Knowing that everything has boundaries, and I know when too much is too much, but this is me. Nothing disrespectful, outlandish, or uncommon. Do U really watch sports these days? The number one pick in the NFL draft THIS year wears PINK nails. One of the world’s best MMA fighters has a French manicure when he fights. I’ve allowed myself to live in that reality because that too is truly part of who I am. I did this in my era right before this current one ended. Grace given because maybe Uve forgotten because this past season was bitter as fuck. That bitch hurt like a motha fucka.

I’ve always set to live my life according to me. Occasionally allowing someone else to come and anchor in my life. Giving importance to them and what they need. Showing love and care. Compassion and understanding. Willing to slow myself down and wait for someone to come join me where I am. Feeling that if I can show U that I love U and support U. Willing to take care of U and help U get settled on Ur feet. Whether or not U build into me wasn’t as important. Always knowing that I wanted that. U told me long ago that I do better when I’m alone. Because when I get with someone, I always put them first and not myself. It was an honest critique that was one thousand percent accurate. Nothing else needed to be said. I had to work that, and I did. I showed U that I could allow someone to find me who wanted to be with me. Not for what I can do for him, but because he wants me. That’s the last man that I felt was worthy enough to meet U. Because, in my eyes, U are my star, sun, and moon. There isn’t anything I’ve accomplished that hasn’t come from Ur lessons. My heart and compassion comes from U. I watched what U did and I didn’t replicate that. I did however take all that compassion that U always displayed, and told me to keep, overtake me at times. Sometimes it was the wrong time and with the wrong persons.

Early on, I allowed in at an intimate level. Understanding, however, the need for U not to be as strong a presence because I was starting to drift out of the full wholesome niggas I first dated. The ones who were young and ambitious like me. I knew because of my curiosity, my strong sexual urges, and my beautiful, chocolate skin, face, and body that I was going to be hot on the market. And true shit, when me and my first ended, I became the ticket. Real shit I found the next man that was supposed to be the love of my life. We were both young as fuck, innocent still, beautiful, loving, affectionate, caring people. I was almost ready to introduce U to him and not the person U wound up meeting. I made the first bad mistake that led to a series of them. But U met the first five men I ever dated. Those men equating the first 8 years of my life as an openly gay nigga. U witnessed the first transformation I ever made from pretend heterosexual, LMFAO, to a fresh openly gay man. I did ALL the young fun shit, early on. I was out late meeting boy, LOL. I met them in parking lots at night and all that young stuff…LOL. While U didn’t know about that early shit, U did meet the very first one. So Uve truly seen it all. Why now U felt so compelled to hit my phone with the urgent tone of a concerned parent. We just shared such special, lifelong bonds and moments just a few weeks ago. And now, we sit on the doorsteps of U basically saying that I’m being too gay, again, for U.

The last time I felt this level of concern was when I was in Texas. U felt my life threatened and U were ready to activate the village if necessary. I knew that if I allowed U to save me, in that moment, I would never have fully appreciated and learned the lesson. I endured what I did. I was fucked up for a long time, but U saw me thru it. Now it appears that Ure concerned or unapproving, of my current life choice. To add a little extra spice of personality to who I am. Allowing the outside world to see more of my inside world. What did U always teach me? Always be true to Urself. Know who U are and never apologize for it. Well, if I follow that theory, then I’m going to ignore what Ure saying to me. U know more than anything I pride myself on being current and authentic to me. Always advocating for myself. Never willing to accept anything that’s given to me. Ensuring that what I need is always met. Also, allowing myself to be on full display. Never allowing anyone to place me in a box that I don’t believe should be there to start. Amplifying a message that I’ve spoken about from the beginning, that U have never been at the front of my support. Uve been a trunk to me. Sturdy, reliable, dependable, but never my anchor, never fully understanding. We’ve had a few falling outs over the level of ur understanding and compassion for my lifestyle.

I know that Ure looking for the understanding as to why me and Grams could sit on the phone for hours, every week, and just talk. Easy-flowing conversation every single time. We talk about life, hers and mine. We get better understanding for what I’m trying to accomplish and what she wants to do. Me and U never had that kind of relationship. U never allowed urself to want to know too much because of U and ur husband. U allowed for a period of time to pass where U wanted to be confrontational about my decisions, rather than support me and let me have Ur love there to embrace me. I had to lean on a stranger because U chose to follow the ignorance of Ur husband and the church family. For too long a period of time, U were estranged to me. Failing to show up and support me like U promised. Stuck in the blinded musings of “The BLACK CHURCH”. Never underestimate what I remember. Grams told me from day one that she was going nowhere. Never going to look at me any differently because of my life decisions. Living in my truth was mandatory for me. I had already let the love of my life get away because I was young, and scared. I was not going to allow anything or anybody to disrupt this beautiful young love we had built.

We’ve had numerous fallouts over the years. The last one was about 17 years ago. It was very petty and unnecessary, but very understandable when I look back on it. I fully comprehend why it happened and why it needed to happen. My house is conducted with the same respect levels that U taught me that day. It also opened the first big fracture in our relationship after we had rebuilt it. U allowed the lesson to carry on too far. Leading me to leave for Florida. Experiencing life, one that I truly did enjoy and always thought about going back to get. Not the person, just me and that life. Orlando fit me good, and I was working to prepare for U to come visit. Problem was me and dummy stay on one accord long enough to settle down. U told me U felt so much guilt for that situation because U pushed me away. On some levels, I agree with U completely. Alternatively, I know the lesson U attempted to teach me. Honestly, U could’ve taught the same lesson without needing to go that far. U know I never had intentions to stay long term. I never wanted to live in my home state after high school. Too small, to me, of a city for me. There isn’t that immediate pop and movement.

We’ve disagreed and Uve never shown this level of concern before. Can U tell me why? Am I being too gay for U now, again? Grace given to U, so U can figure out how to handle this new development. 21 years and U still don’t accept Ur son fully. That’s so disappointing. I love U still and always will. I can’t back away because that’s not the order of the day. But I will have to do something, because this disappointment carried with me all thru the week. Released now, sad it was ever there.