True shit… I have always struggled with the urges to be the savior. So many times, I came across people who were good at heart. Genuine, as much as one can be, when you’re struggling to live day to day. It’s relatively easy to catch someone when they’re down and build them up. Some would call them projects… LMMFAO! Until they paused long enough to realize they too, were now a project. They present themselves in many different forms. The social media lover, lol, always publicly in a relationship, which privately kills it before a foundation can be built. But, the chemistry is automatic. The sex is always explosive and intimate. Soo close to making the bond much stickier, every time pulling back for some unknown reason. Like our souls are saying now is not the time. Wanting to protect each other’s heart, as opposed to submitting the humid lust that permeates the air. And then it starts to happen… you catch him at the best/worst time. Ending the last public fuckuationship. Yup, I said it. Done for the ultimate benefit of their pockets, but he is truly a hopeless romantic at heart. Just be the right type and he’s going to do whatever you say. When you’re the right look, but the wrong type… you must catch him at the perfect moment. But you got to see why he’s so loved by those closest to him. His heart is pure. He will follow you because he will love you, but he’s terrified to give up the fast life. It’s what he knows best.

The sneaky link, that becomes a crush, that becomes a friend, that becomes…? Questions of how do you present to him? What do you really want from/with him? Are you sure you can handle the pressure that will come? But see, here is his problem… just like the one before, but on a much more lowkey level, he’s a popular man in the streets. HAAAA!!! But the two of you share an unspoken bond, a link that formed more tightly than you anticipated. Never expecting this, but certainly open to entertaining him. Can you afford the lifestyle? Better yet, can you pull him up enough and until he can get himself situated? If you can, you might just have found someone special… but it’s not that easy. You must balance chasing with being chased. The fearless king that wants it all, but really doesn’t have the foundation. Flying higher than he can smoothly fly. Desiring to experience the turbulence to gain the needed life experience. He presents the characteristics that you love in a man. He’s ambitious and determined. He wants to show his versatility thou. He wants to have love… not the kind that plays and toys, but the kind that sticks and builds something. Problem is, like I said, he’s not fully armed with the needed tools to succeed on your level, right now. With time and guidance, he can, and will be a dominating presence for years to come. Right now, he’s not right for you.

The new guy that arrives with his shit together. Career minded and focused but loves a good time. Desires your company. Enjoys your vibe and aura. Sees your potential just as you see his. This time there’s no need to pull anyone up. Both of you are career minded. You are farther, but he’s not that far behind you. Allow yourself to indulge in him. It’s allowable for you to feel the full pleasure of your hard efforts. The only problem here is that you live on opposite ends of the city. Wheeeewwwwww.. traffic much. LOL. Before, you wouldn’t really allow yourself to test these waters because he was too far. But he’s been to you multiple times now… Return the favor and enjoy yourself. Don’t wait too long though, he’s willing to be a little patient, but if you hesitate, he’s gone. What do you do? Cuz there’s also the typical type you have that someone else fits. LOL. He’s bright, college almost graduate, employed, and aspiring professional. Right down your happy ground. He’s comfortable in his skin, and it’s unique, much like you. He keeps himself busy and that’s the problem, right now. You desire more and he wants to provide that for you. However, he has college son at home problems. You must relax and allow this to breathe. Your ability to feel the moment and have patience has been clutch for you. Do you maintain this patience? Push a little and make the dynamic try to fit your perspective? The flow has always been best.

The nerd, butch queen is still ever present too. Learning how to respect boundaries at all times is a challenge. You’ve been doing what you don’t too with him because once you decided to explore him, you had to grow him to adapt to you. It’s challenging, but truth is it’s been worth it. Because he comes with himself put together in almost all aspects of life. He would definitely aide in your update and upgrade. Religiously wanting to keep you current, even though he knows your appetite for life will demand that you remain current and inquisitive. The energy always surprises. Learning the softer, mellower, yet direct, cutthroat you has been jarring. You chose to have patience, but you demand respect. You’re going to find out very soon, if you should stay or exit stage left. Mr. Smooth School boy is back again and not going away quietly. His problem is that he’s very green still. He needs to find himself more and fully understand his body. Can you sit around and commit to that? You understand his love and affinity for you. It’s beautiful and you appreciate it with all of your soul. The ability to allow two different belief sets spiritually connect and coexist is divine. That goes to provide that both are right. Two different, yet similar belief sets can be true, peacefully. Always appreciative for you. Enjoying your time and presence, not understanding that simply showing up isn’t enough. You want more, but you’re not putting more effort. Growth must happen, and you can’t make it happen. You must allow him to evolve on his own. The guidance thing again… LOL. What are you going to do there?

And then there are the three aces. Always have been put together and ready. Away from you though, and that’s the catch with each of them. Different people, different energies, different experiences, but all of them so dynamic that the second confirmation is given, EVERYONE else is DONE. I’m never sure when the day is going to come that one of them really pushes their cards in the table and take the leap to live life with me. All of them show me, in their own ways, how they receive my energy and understand the purpose. Not to just keep pouring into them, only to be used on them other niggas. That soon, very soon, the time will come for us to take our place beside each other. Ready, willing, desired, and able to take this life journey and live it.

All of these situations diametrically different from each other. None of them alike. All with distinct personalities. Fitting some part of my complex inner being. I find comfort in each of these men that cannot be explained. Allowing each one to disqualify themselves from the ultimate perch, while allowing all of them plead their cases. I watch and observe it all. It will never be enough to just physically fit my needs. To be with/around me, you must be able to touch other facets of me. I’m proud of myself. I haven’t chosen anyone. I’m eliminating and evaluating, some have already fallen off, others are regaining footing and momentum. Preparing to understand the terms at play. Dropping hints of their pending character development. Stick around and I’ll see what you share. Desiring now me to share, because that’s what his current need is. Is the allure of balance in the future the reason for his continued journey in my life? IDK, because even when everything stopped, there the both of you were. Continuously in communication with each other. Explanations provided when the time lapse was too long. Never overextending; now showing signs of wanting to extend from sparce to sometimes, expressing a desire for more. Proclaiming his presence when the crowd is gathered. How fuckin grown is that bro. Like, the nigga openly made it known that he wants to be around you during that time. No strings, no questions. Now, openly proclaiming his desire for more of you. Is it real or just like everyone else that’s not quite put together, is this a means to an end? Parlaying that affection for him, into favors for him. Not coming to you anymore, meeting him now. Monitor the situation, though it was acknowledged that wheels are down, so that’s played an even larger role. But, here yo ass stand.

In the past, I would’ve forced myself to choose one. Letting most of them go, holding on to the one or two I have the closest bond too. Losing out on possibly better because I want to play hero, and don’t wanna be patient to allow people to sort themselves out. Not anymore. Feeling the vibe, understanding the moment, setting the tone and mood. That’s how you stay dynamic. Always able to command attention if/when wanted or needed. Today you had the floor and you dictated terms to all. Remember who you are. Not who you were. Yes, they know who you were, and what you did. They also see you for who you are now. Giving you the shine and respect you’ve earned. Stand the fuck up, stick yo got damn chest out, and take a fuckin bow. Now, get on your shit. We’re just warming up. There’s a lot to do and be done. Time to go. That’s going to sift through them very quickly. New home, new start, new life.

Growth is a mother fucka. You have to do to be better. It’s never going to be easy, but it will always be necessary. The more quickly you accept that growth is painful sometimes, you will have the grace to endure it.