In the span of 55 days life showed me just how much of father I really am. Navigating my own personal issues, an exploding professional career, and my sons needing me for dramatically different, yet equally life changing and moving moments. Getting a realization of just how demanding being a present, and active father is. I’m so thankful for it! I’m blessed that I’ve been given the chance to mentor, discipline, critique, develop, mature, mold. When you face things for the first time, there is an expectation that it could fail spectacularly. There’s also the expectation that it could succeed beyond what You could’ve imagined.

Life is never going to truly be predictable. Regardless of how much we follow the same routine, everyday there will be something different that happens that You must alter the plan to address. Sometimes the block is small, a bump you can simply drive over, or walk through. In those times, we remember how we do the familiar thing or things, and we carry on. Confidence never shaken or disturbed. Then there are the blocks that require more work and attention. That level of focus can make you waver for a moment, but you find the solutions quickly and you are unimpeded any further. And then, there are those blocks that require fuckin grit and resolve. Fuck what you thought you knew. This type of energy You’re about to put out, You ain’t seen this shit before. I don’t know if I have the ability to do this. I don’t really know what’s happening internally, death is swirling, depression is heavy like a bitch, hurt is suffocating my lungs, pain is thunderously thumping in my head, anger is spewing out my pours. How am I supposed to navigate all these emotions and the biggest one of them all, shared across all the spirits I touch and discuss with, is fear! All of those previously mentioned emotions are connected to the biggest bitch of them all. Everyone is scared of something. Living life alone, living life miserably, losing life recklessly, unsure of their survival in life.

There isn’t always a thank you at the end of these situations. The blocks come and we’re ushered in to protect, defend, support, correct, resolve the blocks for you. Getting a thank you or I love you and being satisfied knowing You just helped someone through a challenging block in life. Listening to and learning from the people chosen to be the closest to me in life is phenomenal. Supporting your kid when they a parent is a special and beautiful feeling. Through the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, depression, and torment is a lasting bond. Built on the strength of support for, and love of one another. Crying, laughing, talking together. Hours and hours of time spent, reminding You of Your brilliance and relevance. Showing you the evolution of You and introducing You to the next levels of life. Through it all You made me so proud of You. Never quitting, always standing up for yourself. Knowing when to humble Yourself. The biggest compliment a stranger EVER gave me was the one from Your family. I am and will forever be grateful, humbled, and honored that someone viewed Us as a family unit. You allowed me into Your private space and Your personal moment. The biggest compliment I’ve ever received from You came later that day. When You told me that I am a root in Your life. I could never see my life without you kid. For all these years, You have been part of my heart and I’m so thankful and humbled for You. I’m never leaving You.

Through that shit there was some other shit happening that required my attention, and it was as personal as it gets. I had my own shit to deal with and it’s been so fuckin scary at times. I’ve never had a feeling like this before. Scared and unsure. Not understanding what the fuck is happening. Trying not to scare everyone half to death, while also raising the alarm that something not right and I need my circle. Bruh, that motha fucka responded like a boomerang. From afar questions and prayers poured into me. Love and affection for me kept being sent in waves. Allowing me to push forward and keep moving despite the pain and discomfort. How did I go through the worst of this shit, prayerfully, by myself. All the fuck niggas claiming to care this and be here for me that was doing just that… Talking and claiming to be that nigga. Well guess what bitch niggas, the moment is and has been here for You to show that and ALL You’ve shown is how much of a bitch nigga You are. In my neediest of moments, it was the guidance of my village that pushed me over. The constant check-ins and list of things to try to help me through. And it was my son, when I really needed someone who came through with no questions asked. I told him what I needed, and He delivered fully and willingly.

The moment came where I had to blend my two worlds. My blood one and my chosen one, again. It’s been a long time since my momma was introduced to someone from my chosen world. Today would be another day. She thanked him with the gratitude of a concerned mother not there for her son. He reassured her with the love of a son who was always going to be there for his daddy no matter what. As he said to her when she thanked him, “I have no choice, I have to be here.” They shared their collective concern for my well-being. Knowing that I don’t these types of life situations crawl upon me often. Knowing also that my work with my kidd isn’t done. We one more heavy lift that must be addressed. I’ve pushed it off and he’s kept it away for long enough. We must deal with his torment and pain. I have to summon that strength and energy again. To deal with the hurdles of life with him and beside him, to allow him to fully get his life back.

And then there is role of a father when the support needed is stern and unwavering. No matter how he presents himself to You, You must always maintain that consistent level of accountability and compassion. Love on him right where he is. Allow him to understand that love is never far and will always be there for him. Accountability is right at the same distance and must be taken to resume control over life. Love is just as intoxicating a drug and crack, crystal meth, weed, alcohol, and any other substance taken to control our emotions. Holding someone accountable who is barely able to hold themselves accountable is a challenge. A necessary one that must be taken to ensure that He doesn’t fully lose himself to life and his coping drugs of choice. Never forget that we’re one fucked up life event away from being just as compromised. How hard of a responsibility is that. To have them tell You that they can’t go to their blood because they can’t, don’t, and won’t understand. You are that stable beacon of reasoning, rationality, discipline, accountability, love, and protection needed.

Fatherhood is a priceless joy that comes with great responsibility. It’s a thankless job, with little celebration, but the reward is eternal. Even when you have to be critical of a son who let his lust of a man interfere with his rational judgement, and it could potentially destroy his foundation. Understanding that attentiveness and understanding of a situation is ALWAYS required when living with others. Don’t allow the fantastical dreams disrupt the settled reality created. It never ends up being worth it. Most times, you lose out on both friends because they had them before you. Understand that You can’t always help who you connect with, but You can help what house you tear down. Love is not wicked or toxic like that. It will never lead you to damage another home, no matter how fucked up its built or how weak the foundation is. Let one situation end before the next one begins. The funny shit about that is when one son was talking about this brother, he says “when he talks, I swear he sounds just like you!” Laughing the whole time. And then I remind him, You sound just like me too. And we both laugh! What a special feeling and dynamic moment it is to be a father/daddy.