Month: May 2024

Leave a comment Posted on lifestyle, love, real talk

Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts 2

You ever had one of those moments where You’ve just come inside from working out, Your mind is flowing, Your muscles are stimulated, Your senses are heightened, and You just have an emotional and spiritual breakthrough??? Well, both hands raised high as fuck in the air. Today was a good Friday. Work was smooth and accomplished. After was well… after. LOL. Dumb shit from dumb asses. Then to the workout. Music thumping in my ears, zoned out enjoying the cool but humid air. Seeing the people go about their work to better themselves. The pure energy used and absorbed while lifting weights, strengthening my calves and cheeks, gaining lung and heart strength exercising. Melding physical excursion with mental peace. Brining the music home though and changing the vibe… Well, that’s when things turned, and I had to let my heart be open and my words become action.

Finding yourself also involves healing those wounds that were damaged along the way. When we lost our pillar and standard bearer, it fucked up the whole dynamic and won’t nobody really prepared for it. I love the responses of people who have a specific purpose. I am someone who has struggled in this world with myself, for various reasons. But when I accept my truth of life, I am as dynamic as I choose to be. I work on myself, and seeing the hurt still left in my family from her loss, and I just pray we can find and figure the way to unite together. Seeing and understanding Your pain and hurt, sadness and anguish, destruction and anger is so fucking difficult. You can and will rage at the world. Doing some unimaginable things because I wanted to and I was vengeful. I had so much heat to spew and never knew how or which way to let it out. The desire to be solo dolo, independent of, needing none but You. We do acquire this perception that for us to be as successful as we are, it must be done Alone. On Your Own without needing to depend on a sole. Forgetting that to live in this world, You must rely and depend on other EVERY FUCKIN DAY!!! How else do You think that You survive? When You drive Your car, or take Marta, or Uber/Lyft, You rely on others to make sure You arrive to Your destination on time. Understand that simple concept for just One fuckin second.

When You allow Yourself to find the peace and love of who You are, it becomes infectious, and You spread it wherever You can. Never trying to overpower or overstep, just offer the same feelings and energy that have permeated You since You allowed the past to end. Because You are who You are, everyone saw Your fall. It was humbling and humiliating. You were destroyed from the core of the inside of You. You went through the toughest times, and You saw that the village You have is strong, supportive, and resilient when it comes to You. Now, You feel that sense of purpose to return the favor. Understanding that healing is a powerful drug. It has the ability to restore what was lost. So, to go through life ACTUALLY thinking that You alone, have just moved life is stupid and ignorant. You never ordered food out? You never drove on a road with other people? You never went to school or work? You never dated? Had sex? The most arrogant and narcissistic thing You can do is assume that You never needed help in life. The understanding though, is that we’re self-sufficient and aren’t in need of assistance to function in life. However, there is a segment of the population that really thinks they do it ALL themselves with NO help.

Realizing just how devastated everyone is, has been hard. Primarily because I love these women and while some have moved forward, found happiness and shit, others have struggled mightily and continue flounder. Temporary happiness aside. Our family is so fractured. This set not talking to this set. Them over there staying away from those over here unless it’s a big fuckin deal. Two people over here talk to 2 or 3 people over there, so there’s some crossover, but not fuckin much. Group and family functions doing exist. Coming together for one event, doesn’t make shit solved. Especially, when the factions was on display the whole time. Only the guys could maneuver through the crowd. I know all families have bullshit and are splintered and shit, but we don’t have be just like them, do we? I don’t know how this will end. I’m prayerful that with my shove, these beautifully dynamic people can find full healing. We need it.

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Heart Chronicles – Actions greater than Words

Yo, I promise this is probably the biggest and most annoying thing that ALL niggas seem to do. When you talking, them motha fuckas will wax poetically about who they how. How they’re going to be different because they fill in all the fuckin blanks. When the truth is, soon as the real-life environment puts them words to the test, niggas come up shitty and shifty. Failing on all accounts, except to offer “words of support or encouragement”. Yes, those are cool, at times. But what happened to the actions backing up those words? Now days, dudes really think that them saying sweet shit, and holding a conversation is supposed to suffice for anything of substantial value, when the corresponding actions are lacking or missing as a whole. How the fuck do you call yourself a good real? A real one? And when it’s time to actually show what you say, you NEVER do. Ohhh, and then you either get frustrated, angry, bitter, or silent when the facts are put in your face?

To know me is to understand that I truly don’t ask people for shit. I’m very comfortable being built that way too. Not that I can’t or won’t ask if I don’t know or understand. But when situations happen, I’m going to do all that’s necessary to resolve it. So, when I actually reach out and provide details on shit, and you sit there looking stupid, giving all these typical ass nigga sentences about what you would and could do, I laugh. The opportunities have presented themselves on numerous occasions and they’re never seized upon. Instead, preferring to spend endless hours talking and musing about shit. Most of the time you’re not really focused on the conversation. Instead, you make general comments, or leave so much dry air and space, that one could question if you really care to be in the conversation. Never appreciating being called “You People”, because you swear to being different, only to be undressed and dismissed when the truth is put in your face.

Now, another way to handle it, is to be completely dumbfounded and ignorant to your own actions until presented with them. You know for grown ass men, I’ve never so many that obfuscate the responsibility of being a man. Just because You want to consider yourself the Queen or a baddie, don’t mean that You are. And even if You are, it doesn’t mean that Your actions don’t match Your words. That’s just fake and trifling. Nothing sucks more than having the look and the talk, but not the game. To say You like to cater to yours, but You are incapable of doing it for a few days, at your request, is fucking nuts to me. How is it again, that you’re able to think that you’re the prize, but there isn’t a lot substantively about You, that supports that position. Chasing and being chased is a two-way street in my book. When you want someone, you let them know, and if they want you back, they respond affirming you. If you have to chase a little, so be it; if you have to be chased, so be it. Nothing beats a lazy, lame, liar, pretending to be official and legit. Those people are funny thou. After you break them down, they look dejected and stupid in the face. Often times feeling combative with you and their friends, because they got embarrassed by you, and their friends agree that they were dumb as fuck. LMFAO!

The beautiful thing about how I live, is any words I tell you, best believe I back them all up. If you were in any distress and needed something, I’m there. If you’re down and out, I’m there. You lose family or someone you really cared for, I’m there. No questions asked, no sketchy behavior, no empty dry ass words. When situations happen where my words can be put into action, they are, and you know. I think what pisses people off most, is that I don’t get mad and nasty and angry when you don’t follow through. Nope, I’m like a prosecutor. I calmly speak my peace, giving you the receipts of what You told me about You and how You handle things, versus what ACTUALLY happened when it the shit got real. Life gone always life, real shit! The ability to maneuver thru it with your word meaning something, because your actions are dynamic is priceless. The reason I stop allowing myself to be open to you, the reason I no longer express excitement about You and our interactions is because at every opportunity, you leave the bag half empty. I have to provide ALL the ingredients to ensure success.

It doesn’t matter what type of relationship you have with someone. Friends, lovers, friends with benefits, family, sneaky link (LMAO), it all should come with some baseline respects. One of which being, when You say something, You do what You said. Yes, there will be times where life will conflict and You can’t be available, that’s understandable and expected. Yet, when You can and You just choose not to, that’s where the doubt begins. When someone notices that they’re always showing up for You, always gettin things going and You just follow along, that’s usually when problems start. While there are some people who don’t mind, and actually prefer to do EVERYTHING, most people don’t want to feel like they’re in something by themselves. A friendship with no reciprocation isn’t a real friendship. family dynamics where the relationship is always one-sided isn’t healthy. Intimate relationships where one person does all the hard work and the other just talks about it, isn’t building a lasting foundation. I don’t know if it’s the microwave culture or the let me be the fake influencer culture, but somewhere the important actions became less relevant, replaced by let’s do it for the camera. Wanting to be seen as real but not really acting like it.

No matter how you present yourself, masculine, feminine, both, whatever… You must be authentic in your presentation and delivery. You should always want to be viewed as someone to respect. Not liked! Unless that’s just your thing. I don’t aim to be the most liked person. In fact, there’s a lot of people who don’t like me for whatever their reasons, but if they really know me, they respect me. I might not say what you want or respond favorably to some fucked up shit you did, but I’m going to be open and honest with you about it. It may not make you feel good about it, and you might be disappointed with me because I didn’t agree with you. But if you’re a real individual, you will respect the fact I have my own independent mind, that can listen to a situation, ask questions to gather necessary details, and deliver my honest opinion. You know that when I say, I will be there for You no matter what, I’m fuckin there. The best people I’ve ever met are still around in my life. Not because we always agreed on shit. Not because they think like I think. Because they’re consistently honest about them. Richness of life that many may not have. If you do, then you’re fortunate.

To consider yourself a friend and a big brother, but when real life hits, you show me your ass is massively disappointing and sad. Thankfully, I didn’t lie to you and reject the tenants of the friendship, I provided grace and humility. Giving space for calm to prevail and re-engaging in a lesser, but still quality, friendship with you. There is an adult way to handle all things with other people. Understand when someone has the ability to be a blessing in your life and find the way to allow them to remain so the blessings can be delivered to you. No, the friendship will never grow back into what it was. I don’t believe you can move the way you did and then keep the foundation as sturdy and in-depth as it was. There needed to be a lightening of the mix. And there, the sweet spot has been found. Life lessons niggas. Sometimes, you don’t throw a person away because they let you down. Sometimes, you have to give space, and think about whether or not they are valuable to your life. If so, how do keep them in your life.

What a beautifully, peaceful day!

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Heart Chronicles – Healing Hurts

When I first started this journey again, to heal my soul, and to discover who I am again, I knew it would be a mighty fucking move. Requiring me to overcome years of trauma. Revealing the most damaged, twisted, painful, lustful, sinful, savage parts of who I am. In the course of one link, I blew his back out and then argued vehemently with him after. I’ve found myself in some situations and positions that never would’ve been dreamed of. The places I’ve allowed myself to be… to do some of the things that I allowed myself to do… Damn, I really had reached a new low that I never seen before.

To know the origins of this recovery, you must know the depths of the destruction. From being on top, thriving, succeeding, growing, evolving, flourishing, productive, accomplished. These were the plaudits being given to You, described You. No matter which end of the spectrum You were viewed from, everyone knew one thing, You were going places nigga. Determined to set the world on fire because You had arrived, and everybody was gone take notice. You showed your deft touch of life by smoothing navigating soo many worlds. You always lived in the Gay one, but you had a professional one, and a separate private one that needed attention, and if you fucked up how You operated the Gay one, well, You was fucking up Your life.

We had a couple instances of those. Relationships where they started with so much passion, fire, and success. Loving and lusting all at the same time, for each other, or so I thought. Before I continue that story, let me take you all the way back to the beginning. To where I was born, and I knew who I was underneath the cloak of “straight-male life”. I was 16 years old, and I met, who I thought was a girl, this dope ass person in a teen chat. Once I saw a picture of her, turned out to be him… WTF?!?!?!?!?! Then he begged me to stop firing off and let him explain. I don’t know why I listened to him, but his soft, soothing voice permitted me to ease the fire boiling in my spirit. Ready to allow this man to possibly expose a truth that’s been waiting to escape for as long as I can remember. He explained himself to me, told me who he was and where he lived. I learned we had a mutual friendship with someone well known in our community. I was scared as fuck then, because nigga WHAT??? This man is the living proof that I’ve been gay, and understanding of it, since I was a teenager. He was the perfect person for me. I gushed like a lil bitch every time we talked. He just knew what to say to me. How to touch my soul with the softness, fondness, and affection of his words. Even when we would argue, because he didn’t answer the phone when I called. Knowing that at our ages, calling each other was kinda crazy… well for me only I later found out. His family knew he was gay, and they loved him even more for it. His brother told me how much he liked me, but because I wasn’t out and couldn’t come out, at that time, I was going to lose him. He said I just needed to come see his brother and everything would be fine. Because his brother loves me and if I’m not scared then I should show up because that means I love him, and we would work through anything together. He even offered me to stay at their house, if my family put me out the house.

I was immediately struck by this terrorizing fear. I froze like a nigga staring down the barrel. Understanding his fate is about to be determined by this next move. Could he, or couldn’t he? Do you want to be happy… or do you want to be accepted? He told me he would tell his brother I called, and he would have him call me back. I was so thankful nigga. LOL. I wanted him to know just how much I truly liked him. Like over the time we spent talking, it was the most effortless conversations I’ve had in life. We waxed poetically like lil kids. Laughing and giggling, serious and honest, thoughtful and affectionate, raunchy and vulnerable. I never thought I could experience what pure, real love is at such a young age. The true definition of high school sweethearts. Just, we don’t fit into the “common America” narrative. So, to have this much love, we gotta hide this shit for now. Until we’re old enough to do this on our own, by ourselves. I remember his brother telling me that if I moved there, I would have to get a job, because no one lived free. But, I would be safe and protected there. Won’t nobody gone fuck wit me. They were a family, and the reason he was so protective over his little brother is because he’s super sensitive. He loves hard as fuck, which means once he’s with and for you, you got a rider til the wheels break off that bitch.

All the things I needed to hear, he told me. I was prepared to step out there, give up everything if needed, because I loved this guy. I just didn’t trust the roots. I was so fuckin scared. I’m just a fuckin teenager, what do I know? How am I sure this is even real? For all I know, this could be a scam. Somebody playing and catfishing, you know. I do all this shit only to be played and look like a Fuckin fool! Ok, let me back up, because there’s details, I’m leaving out that evens the scales. Right now, I look super fuckin weak, and that shit ain’t right. Truth is, during our late night talks he would always ask me to come see him at work. He worked at Taco Bell across town. For me, that was like a 20 min drive, not bad at all. Problem was he worked late night, and I couldn’t leave that late. My momma was the coolest moms, real shit, but she knew what was outside late at night and as the mother of a young, dark-skinned, nigga with man features in my hometown, nigga that was a recipe for one of two things… jail or dead. Well, the third was in fuckin, and she was worried about that, but not with who she thought. LMFAO!! See she was worried about becoming a young grandma, she didn’t know, who I prefer to play wit ain’t no kids coming biologically, we would need a third. HA!!!!! But I digress. LMAO. So, she won’t having it when I asked to slide out late one night to see him at work. I started asking a few times and she began to ask questions. I changed tactics, and instead of waiting late, I would go outside and ask if I could stay out til 12 or 1. Long enough to let him get to work, then go see him.

She blocked that when I wouldn’t tell her exactly where I would be going. And the one time I did, her eyes lit up and it was like I spoke the forbidden language or some shit. LMFAO. She said no, and that was that for me. I wasn’t gone sneak out because I just didn’t wanna be that kid. I love my momma too much and I didn’t want to be a teenage statistic in Va. He didn’t give up on me, but he started to move away from me. I remember the day we broke up. He told me that he just didn’t want to wait anymore. His brother told him everything we talked about that night on the phone. And he asked me “why didn’t I do it yet?” I told him that I really want to so bad, but I just scared as fuck. I could feel the hurt in his voice and the pain in his eyes, he sighed so heavy and brokenly said “I understand.” With that it was over. He broke up with me, told me that he found another guy that was open like him, and they lived close to each other, and he was going to move on. He never closed the door on me though. He told me where he would be if I ever wanted to be happy. I never went, and I never got my high school sweetheart. It broke my soul and my spirit so badly. He was exactly what I wanted in a lover. Sweet, charming, passionate, funny, smart, thoughtful, vulnerable, open. He showed me what heart looks like in a man. I never understand his magical pull over me. How could this person just speak to me like I’m the only person in the world who matters. We laugh about our days. Him in his ratchet school, being the fem kid that just dripped his own sauce.

I would tell him about the boring shit that happened during my school day. He would laugh and always tell me it wasn’t boring. He wished he was there with me. Because we would have the school talking. LOL. Lowkey, I wish he was able to go to school with me to. I know coming out with him would’ve been so liberating. Living my happy truth, with the love of my life. My desire to keep him a secret is what kept us apart. I know had I told my momma I wanted to see my friend. Tell her his name and what school he goes too and where he stays, she would’ve reluctantly said yes. Her reluctance not because he’s a male, she actually would’ve been happy about that. It’s that he lives in a questionable area. She knows what can happen over there and she would be worried about my safety. But, not wanting to shield me from life, she would say yes. I would have to let her know when I got there though. And when I’m on my way home. Knowing how the energy was between me and him, I would probably fall asleep every night and get in trouble every time. But that would start my momma’s clock in her head about just who this boy was. Mothers aren’t stupid and mines sure wasn’t. She was attentive to her son. Me consistently saying I wanna go to the same place, that’s going to draw flags and I wasn’t ready for that. The judgement and questions of it all. I couldn’t face that at 16. I wasn’t ready. I needed to protect this image because I needed to feel loved and accepted. Despite, feeling the real love an acceptance from him.

When we talked about music it wasn’t just rap and shit. It was pop music and female R&B. Never judged, always supported, cheered and encouraged. Express myself as fully as I feel I need to. Allow myself to explore my feelings and my spirit. He was everything to me. But I couldn’t out my head, and I lost him. Once we lost contact that was it. I forgot him, so I could move on and not feel the pain of no longer having him. I would keep tabs on him here and there. Always looking him up to make sure he was good. I remember looking him up when we graduated high school. I saw his name and his honors. I was so proud of that man. Living life his way and accomplishing shit people said he wouldn’t. That was the origin of me. That’s where this journey began. And the most recent travels and movements forced me to find my way back to where I began. This began the birth/rebirth of me.

The second stop on this train was a 17-year love affair. Yea, I said that exactly right! A true fuckin Grease love affair. Met the most innocent of ways and began what was 17 years of chasing, loving, lying, evading, persuading, contemplating, faking and regretting. See the first one was full of young love and ambition. Pureness. This one had everything in it. Fake identities, fake deaths, lying, deceiving, honesty, humility, lust, love, passion, betrayal, humiliation, embarrassment. The extreme toxicity that permeated between us was damn near killer. We had this insatiable desire for the love of each other, but we never knew how to harness it and present it one another without burning the bridge almost to no repair to get there. It was a tiresome game of chicken. Who would blink first and last? I was in love with this man. He showed me that pure love, even though it was introduced to me under false terms. This nigga was just a young bull, full of life and ready to show people just how grown and ready for the world he was, especially the gay one. I’ll admit, he definitely had game. He was a chocolate pretty boy. Smooth baby face, sweet eyes, soft lips and this general innocence that was the magnet to get you caught. Once in the web you see it was mostly smoke with a few broken mirrors.

Each attempt an effort to show he mastered prior challenges that stopped his progression. Forgetting the first rule of return, you must come back to me present, not currently caught up from the past. Present means you’ve done all the work of the past and now of the present and You are presenting You to me now, ready to be all that I want and need in the now. He would always fall short of now, because he was so busy worried about what he didn’t right before, to do right now. We continued this circular dance for a long number of years. Catching each other at the wrong time for one of us. Never willing to be patient long enough for both of us to slide back into our rhythm. Knowing that we don’t need long. Never have, because our souls connect like the links of a fence or the links in a chain. Welded so beautifully as to perfectly catch the weight to evenly distribute it across your neck to gloriously display itself for the world to see on your beautiful body. Again, an effortless ease that everything happened. No matter in person or on the phone, we always fit like gloves. But his lustful playboy life, and my open grown man life never came into alignment. He was always busy trying to have 3 options in case the first option doesn’t work. And I was busy being free. Exploring the world and the brown men in it. We never gave warning to each other. We just found one another and encroached into our personal spaces. Ignoring if anyone was/ is already there. We will make time for each other, until we deliver the safe words that push us away until that person who’s there is gone. Always waiting but not really waiting. Living, while also listening. Once the sounds of freedom were given, there we were finding each other again. But I was tired of that. Tired of the lies and bullshit. All the antics and theatrics. We’ve done them for such a long time and now the curtain must finally drop. As sad and hurt as I was to have to make this move, it was necessary. It was the only way to ensure that this shit ended.

Normally, we would’ve found each other again by now. Reliving why we broke apart. Walking on eggshells, to not damage the fragile foundation we’re attempting to rebuild. Desiring to lust of each other again. Knowing what it could do, understanding it’s only likely a dying mate call. One last time for all the years of bullshit. Doing the thing that we never did enough of, but when we did… exactly as expected. But that’s not how life is playing. That book is finished, the final chapter written, the last period placed. I will always and forever love that man. For 17 years of my life, I could count on him to show up and the world would feel right for a little while. Only to be reminded of just how narcissistic he is. I’m just grateful for the love and heart that we shared. Fuck all the dumb shit, we made beautiful music for a long time, and I’m forever indebted to someone who was willing to ride the roller coaster of life with me.

This one needs more time to air. Part two of the healing story will come shortly. I have to finish explaining about those three times, the Gay life fucked up the Whole Personal life. Damn, talk about healing that had to be done… I’ll be back with that story soon.

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Heart Chronicles – Fatherhood is Real

In the span of 55 days life showed me just how much of father I really am. Navigating my own personal issues, an exploding professional career, and my sons needing me for dramatically different, yet equally life changing and moving moments. Getting a realization of just how demanding being a present, and active father is. I’m so thankful for it! I’m blessed that I’ve been given the chance to mentor, discipline, critique, develop, mature, mold. When you face things for the first time, there is an expectation that it could fail spectacularly. There’s also the expectation that it could succeed beyond what You could’ve imagined.

Life is never going to truly be predictable. Regardless of how much we follow the same routine, everyday there will be something different that happens that You must alter the plan to address. Sometimes the block is small, a bump you can simply drive over, or walk through. In those times, we remember how we do the familiar thing or things, and we carry on. Confidence never shaken or disturbed. Then there are the blocks that require more work and attention. That level of focus can make you waver for a moment, but you find the solutions quickly and you are unimpeded any further. And then, there are those blocks that require fuckin grit and resolve. Fuck what you thought you knew. This type of energy You’re about to put out, You ain’t seen this shit before. I don’t know if I have the ability to do this. I don’t really know what’s happening internally, death is swirling, depression is heavy like a bitch, hurt is suffocating my lungs, pain is thunderously thumping in my head, anger is spewing out my pours. How am I supposed to navigate all these emotions and the biggest one of them all, shared across all the spirits I touch and discuss with, is fear! All of those previously mentioned emotions are connected to the biggest bitch of them all. Everyone is scared of something. Living life alone, living life miserably, losing life recklessly, unsure of their survival in life.

There isn’t always a thank you at the end of these situations. The blocks come and we’re ushered in to protect, defend, support, correct, resolve the blocks for you. Getting a thank you or I love you and being satisfied knowing You just helped someone through a challenging block in life. Listening to and learning from the people chosen to be the closest to me in life is phenomenal. Supporting your kid when they a parent is a special and beautiful feeling. Through the pain, hurt, anger, sadness, disappointment, depression, and torment is a lasting bond. Built on the strength of support for, and love of one another. Crying, laughing, talking together. Hours and hours of time spent, reminding You of Your brilliance and relevance. Showing you the evolution of You and introducing You to the next levels of life. Through it all You made me so proud of You. Never quitting, always standing up for yourself. Knowing when to humble Yourself. The biggest compliment a stranger EVER gave me was the one from Your family. I am and will forever be grateful, humbled, and honored that someone viewed Us as a family unit. You allowed me into Your private space and Your personal moment. The biggest compliment I’ve ever received from You came later that day. When You told me that I am a root in Your life. I could never see my life without you kid. For all these years, You have been part of my heart and I’m so thankful and humbled for You. I’m never leaving You.

Through that shit there was some other shit happening that required my attention, and it was as personal as it gets. I had my own shit to deal with and it’s been so fuckin scary at times. I’ve never had a feeling like this before. Scared and unsure. Not understanding what the fuck is happening. Trying not to scare everyone half to death, while also raising the alarm that something not right and I need my circle. Bruh, that motha fucka responded like a boomerang. From afar questions and prayers poured into me. Love and affection for me kept being sent in waves. Allowing me to push forward and keep moving despite the pain and discomfort. How did I go through the worst of this shit, prayerfully, by myself. All the fuck niggas claiming to care this and be here for me that was doing just that… Talking and claiming to be that nigga. Well guess what bitch niggas, the moment is and has been here for You to show that and ALL You’ve shown is how much of a bitch nigga You are. In my neediest of moments, it was the guidance of my village that pushed me over. The constant check-ins and list of things to try to help me through. And it was my son, when I really needed someone who came through with no questions asked. I told him what I needed, and He delivered fully and willingly.

The moment came where I had to blend my two worlds. My blood one and my chosen one, again. It’s been a long time since my momma was introduced to someone from my chosen world. Today would be another day. She thanked him with the gratitude of a concerned mother not there for her son. He reassured her with the love of a son who was always going to be there for his daddy no matter what. As he said to her when she thanked him, “I have no choice, I have to be here.” They shared their collective concern for my well-being. Knowing that I don’t these types of life situations crawl upon me often. Knowing also that my work with my kidd isn’t done. We one more heavy lift that must be addressed. I’ve pushed it off and he’s kept it away for long enough. We must deal with his torment and pain. I have to summon that strength and energy again. To deal with the hurdles of life with him and beside him, to allow him to fully get his life back.

And then there is role of a father when the support needed is stern and unwavering. No matter how he presents himself to You, You must always maintain that consistent level of accountability and compassion. Love on him right where he is. Allow him to understand that love is never far and will always be there for him. Accountability is right at the same distance and must be taken to resume control over life. Love is just as intoxicating a drug and crack, crystal meth, weed, alcohol, and any other substance taken to control our emotions. Holding someone accountable who is barely able to hold themselves accountable is a challenge. A necessary one that must be taken to ensure that He doesn’t fully lose himself to life and his coping drugs of choice. Never forget that we’re one fucked up life event away from being just as compromised. How hard of a responsibility is that. To have them tell You that they can’t go to their blood because they can’t, don’t, and won’t understand. You are that stable beacon of reasoning, rationality, discipline, accountability, love, and protection needed.

Fatherhood is a priceless joy that comes with great responsibility. It’s a thankless job, with little celebration, but the reward is eternal. Even when you have to be critical of a son who let his lust of a man interfere with his rational judgement, and it could potentially destroy his foundation. Understanding that attentiveness and understanding of a situation is ALWAYS required when living with others. Don’t allow the fantastical dreams disrupt the settled reality created. It never ends up being worth it. Most times, you lose out on both friends because they had them before you. Understand that You can’t always help who you connect with, but You can help what house you tear down. Love is not wicked or toxic like that. It will never lead you to damage another home, no matter how fucked up its built or how weak the foundation is. Let one situation end before the next one begins. The funny shit about that is when one son was talking about this brother, he says “when he talks, I swear he sounds just like you!” Laughing the whole time. And then I remind him, You sound just like me too. And we both laugh! What a special feeling and dynamic moment it is to be a father/daddy.

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Heart Chronicles – Upgraded

It’s not too often that I sit back and say.. damn, that really is me. But this seems to be one of those moments. That I’m witnessing the revolutionized version of me is mind boggling. We only hope that at some point we get to encounter the next iterations of ourselves. A beautiful and real reminder from life that your seasons are beginning to fade. There is still plenty of room at the table for You, but the main course isn’t exclusively yours, and You may not be the favored entree in a majority of situations. This isn’t one of those times though, and you may have just found the secret to your life happiness.

You engage the conversation with all the attention that it deserves. You occasionally immerse yourself in the dialog. Listening to the words and stories given, but not actively paying attention to the lessons and the guidance given. Choosing to almost bluntly disregard the blueprint provided. Determined to figure it out in Your distinct ways. Wanting to quizzitively challenge the words and premise because you believe that you have answers, however wrong and distorted they may be. Realistically knowing that all you really want to do is keep me talking and engaged in discussions with you. Leaving it to every day would be filled with endless hours to banter. It is the secret way to unlock the keys to your magical kingdom. Speaking with clarity and difference. Bluntly and, at times for You, overly critical, excites Your senses. There’s an innocently cute quality attached to your undeterred quest for information. There’s this split complex to you though. You’re not all words and intellect. You just treasure the emotional connectivity because that heightens the physical flames for You. Then there’s the social You. A more eccentric version of what I put on display when I chose to put my face in the world. All the same impressive.

As much as I want to distance You from me because I know what You could do, if I allowed it. My spirit and soul won’t let me pull away because it’s secretly what I crave. I scream in my head for this kind of magnetic pull. Knowing how far to push the other, while gaining valuable insight and information. The forces are irresistible. Never needed to clout or status, always because we fit into the waves of each other’s life smoothly and seamlessly. The problem that keeps tripping You is that You’re trying to reverse to progress and it’s not working well. You can’t keep trying to force old standards on new situations. It will only keep causing confusion and problems. Eventually, you can destroy the present because you kept looking too much to the past for the answers. If you want something new and different, You must do different. And Yes, I know this shit is toxic on soo many levels. LMFAO. Intentionally pushing each other’s buttons is extreme, but that’s the way we’re wired, and it works. Just don’t keep pushing it, I’m not very patient and I will lose my shit. LMFAO. Thirsting for knowledge is a mighty tool to possess. The discernment to know when to activate that tool and how hard to go when you use it, that’s the most powerful tool in the box.

Consumption with talking is going to get you hurt though. We don’t live life for words alone. We require actions to validate the words, or else it all becomes hollow. When you think you see yourself, how do you react? What are the thoughts you have and are you wondering if they can feel or read your thoughts, like you feel and read some of theirs? Life always be fuckin lifeing. I am always in awe of the way things happen when you least expect them to. When You just live authentically. Damn.. I love writing. I miss this shit. You never know what time period I’m writing from… Some shit to think about huh…???

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Heart Chronicles – Trash In Trash Out

One of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen is someone giving You trash and expecting You to give them top notch treatment. Can someone please tell me what fuckin planet does that make sense on? Too many men out here have this distorted view that because they’ve been fucked over, or taken advantage of, that when it’s time for them to “find” the next man, he must accept the trash like approach. Those of you who believe you make a shit load of excuses to explain away your trifling ass actions, need to be punched in the throat.

The notion that you can keep harkening back to the glory days of your past to entice the future to accept your present trash is really fuckin sick. Yet, real shit, people do this every day. And then they wonder why they keep ending up being left or when they try to explain to their friends why the shit went sideways, they’re getting bleached because the friends know you’re full of shit. Lying, making up scenarios, convincing yourself that you’re the victim. All the while, you’re the fuck nigga doing fuck nigga things. How can you justify leaving someone in their time of need, when you claim to want to be their rock and dependable lover? Where does it say in the imma legit nigga book that imma show up to seeing you looking like I just got outta fight, and You need to bring me to life? How you tell somebody “Imma take good care of you this weekend”, then say “all you gotta do is lay back and relax”, only to show up and not do a fuckin thing?

See if you know then.. well you know.. LOL. Never bring yourself into someone’s space and you can’t perform the way you talk. A big talker with little to no action, that’s like jackin off and really thinking that nut feels the same as nuttin down a warm throat or bussin a fat nut inside a nice, wet, warm, clean hole. LOL. I know.. I’m always taking it there. Yea, I am.. because I can and cus it’s me. But really thou.. how you introduce yourself as this lucid dream. Flexible and amenable to whatever the environment presents to you. Willing to open your soul and spirit to the dynamic influence that I provide. Only to cower in the face of the fire. When life stepped it’s pussy up on you.. your dick shriveled up and you tucked your head and showed how pussy you really are. Change your hair as much as you might, the truth that is you never changes. You are that scared, fake, lying, introverted man that you showed yourself to be every time. Needing the power, strength, electricity, and fire flowing from me to breathe life into your listless, basic, dingy, conservative life.

When pushed and manipulated to upgrade you, you reluctantly moved to make the most minimal improvements. When dared to go outside the small box, you aim high and always end in the valley. You never met the moment; constantly missing the mark. Wondering why you’re never reaching the ultimate goal, when all you have to do is look at yourself. What about how you’ve presented anything says that you deserve anything more? If we’re calling a spade a spade, you deserve far less. I blessed you with more than deserved from me. I let you see me thru my pain. I allowed you to peer into the window and all your sad, shallow, low caring ass could do was offer shallow consolations. I credit you for lending your ear and time though. I fucks with that because you showed an ounce of care then. But the bullshit is you’re now following in my footsteps. LMMFAO!!! Never a leader.. always a follower.

Trying to pawn your chosen one onto me. Realizing that You bit more of the apple than your throat could accept. Now, you find yourself treading water, barely keeping it together, close to drowning and you’re desperately looking for a way out. You thought you could a lil game this way and it was gone get your ticket punched. HA!! Slow, stupid ass boyy. Twinks get a lot of room over here, but not the way you come. Take some time to find out who You really are as a human. You’re an incomplete person attempting to take a developed person’s spirit and fuse it into yours. Promoting falsehoods about who you are. Using tales of what used to be and who You previously were, to entice men to invest in You. Knowing that you can’t invest that same capital into him. You will invest what you can, which is admirable and respectable. Always appreciated for what it is, and never disappointed for what it isn’t. My disappointment is that You lied so brazenly and openly about EVERYTHING! Like damn! You really have no shame about you at all. You did anything that You thought would work. Attempting to persuade me that the moves You made were for the betterment of Your young king and your life primarily. When as time has done what it does, shine the light down..LOL.. It showed me just how much of a fraud You were. Deceiving me into believing that you knew what you were doing. Only, I caught on to your game very early on.

You tried so hard to make Your story be one of suffering and isolation. Claiming that You were essentially black sheep’d by Your family. Moms did this and that; pops, he did all this horrendous shit too. Wondering how in the fuck did this nigga survive being away from home if these people fucked him up this bad? Giving room for that to be the case, while also realizing, there is definitely more to it than this. These people know he’s not ready yet. They know what he’s doing and some of them like it because it removes the diva and the bitch out the picture. But when they see how he’s going about it, they refuse to support this because they know he’s about to abuse someone to get himself right. What they didn’t know was that I’m not simple or ordinary. The sweet trap of a country boy wore off almost 20 years ago. All of the traps and musings don’t work. I allow them to have room and life because I want to entertain what I want to entertain.

Your angle was nice. It was different. You just had no possible way to deliver on the shit you sold. You were talking from a pre-damaged you. Parts of your mind and your spirit are still breathing from before the destruction. But it’s small and barely able to survive. It comes out to shoot one shot and if You don’t reel it in with that first shot, you miss and you can’t it back. That’s what your problem was. It was never going to be enough to just do it once. You were going to have to deliver Your game for a sustained period of time. If you can’t.. well, I guess Your time will end too. I saw the truth thru the young king. I told you I love kids because they don’t lie. Their actions, words, mannerisms, all of that will be determined by how they are handled. What is their environment and who are their influences. For you to tell me what you did and for me to get the reports I got, told me everything. Without you being the sole presence, he does amazingly well… according to You. Bu that day I saw one of the Snaps you sent, and I could sense he had been prepped on how to respond in the video. Bruh that’s some real cheap, trashy ass shit to do.

Using the kid to get what you want. How disgusting of you to do that. And how low of your family to allow you to use your family in that way. Now, you’ve switched up tactics on em. You found you one half-way cross the country. You can’t take your young king this time because that wayyy too far, and Your people know nothing about him. Because you didn’t tell anybody. See this is the nasty and trifling part of You. You can never not have someone because You don’t know how to fully operate in life. And you’re too scared to do it by yourself, so You’re going to find a man to do it for and with you. Dumping your baggage on him, instead of talking with him so he can decide if he wants to do this, and the best way to approach. You are the worst type of faggot. The one who lies and hides his stripes because he needs to be taken care of. Only to trap the person and strip their life down to build Yours up.

I had respect for you until you exposed the lies you made up to try and convince other that You had to made to his move. Because contrary to EVERYTHING that You told them, I was this monster. Who just became infatuated with sex during the visit. You obfuscated the part about the other shit swirling around. It didn’t fit Your narrative, so you had to omit it during your explanation. The problem with that is, You told them everything when it came to me. That’s why You said, “It’s always hard talking about things that involve You (ME)”. In the end, You were exactly what I thought you were and showed me to be exactly who I said You were. I told You that in order for to get what You wanted, You must show me that You are ready. And You always failed. My solemn wish is that you take time to stop running man to man and spend time investing deeply in You and the Young king you chose to raise. Blessing to you!

Love and respect Y’all