For better or worse, we remember the first-time things happened to us. Be it the first time we got a boyfriend or girlfriend. The first time someone hurt your feelings. The first time you had a crush. The first time someone you like, liked you back. The first time you kissed someone. The first time your hormones showed up. The first time you got in trouble at school. The first time you had sex. The first time you got your nut. The first time you had a relationship. The first heartbreak. The first time a friend crossed you. The first time you were seriously lied to. The first time someone brought you something. The first time someone negatively hurt you. The first time you were rejected. The first time you were disappointed. The first time you became a parent. And the list goes on.

No matter which of those firsts mentioned above applies to you, you have experience with positive and negative feelings around the first time you did something, or had felt something, or had something happen to, by, for, with, or against you. It’s my feeling that when you experience too many of these firsts in a negative sense too quickly, it stigmatizes you against someone or something. Conversely, when you experience too many positive first too soon it gives you false sense of security or deepens your naivety about life. Some may say I’m wrong. You can’t have a negative blow back for experiencing too much positivity. On one hand I say, maybe you’re right. On the other hand, I say you’re wrong.

The balance in positive and negative experiences seems to be how life should work. The truth is sometimes these firsts happen in a vacuum that doesn’t allow for perspective, or steady remembrance that the journey of life will have multiple highs and lows. I think back to many of the first times in my adult life and maybe that explains why I’ve had so many issues trusting people as I’ve gotten older. Too many times I’ve believed the better in people and they show themselves to be other than what they appeared. Causing some painful firsts to happen that’s made those that have come after them suffer because of the trauma caused.

When you’ve been impacted by too many negatives early in life, it shapes how you see people and things in life as you grow. When you experience them in midst of your development, it can stunt you deeper than you believe. Let me also say that it matters who the person is that does this first to or for you. When you are affirmed by someone you care about it makes you feel even better than if it was a complete stranger. Similarly, when someone close to you wrongs you for the first time, it leaves a scar that’s deeper than what a stranger’s cross does. If a lover cheats on you for the first time, you feel that pain much deeper, than someone you’re just dating or someone you’re in an entanglement with.

There are two people who did two devastating firsts to me that I was unprepared for, and never expected to have happen. I truly believe that those two events happening enhanced some of my negative, pessimistic, and highly sexualized demeanor I carry for most men. When you put the best of you out there for the world’s consumption, and you get fucked over for your innocence, it strips away how much you open yourself. It begins to plant seeds of doubt and questions about you, and definitely about the intentions of others. It can lead to a drip, drip of poor choices that you have look up and wake up from.

Working through the traumas of my adult life have been extremely difficult. Admitting to my own role in some of the negatives and reminding myself of my self-worth with some of the positives, has been a bit challenging. Support systems, access to consistent and relatable therapy services are critical to maneuvering and successfully navigating through these emotional times in life. If you start to have these firsts happen too quickly, make sure you have people in your corner to talk to. Some who can help keep you grounded when you start floating, and others who can keep you lifted when you feel driven into the ground.

Love on yourself, respect yourself, and reassure yourself. These firsts are necessary and also dangerous traps in life. Can you relate?